For the moment …anyway

In the words of Tom & Jerry ”That’s all Folks”
I could say something pious like… I’m not sure if I want to be part of this world of social media , where everyone’s life is perfect ,fun-filled, sociable ( and smug ) , but I won’t .
I’m just weary and boring and there’s only so much anyone can say about grief , without becoming more weary and boring
So I’ll leave you with a fact . Stormzy went to my primary school – Kensington Avenue in Thornton Heath – banging !

9.12.19

I’ve gone quiet and am likely to remain so .
Rosie would have been 30 on Monday .
We will celebrate her life together in Northumberland .
Beautiful landscape for a beautiful person

You could see and hear his pain – so sad

Haven’t written in a while as we’ve been gallivanting around Northern Ireland and then I took myself off to Walberswick
I’m not sure if I have Brexit- anxiety , eco-anxiety or am just plain scared , but with all this horrible , nasty ,destructive , narcissistic ( Boris ) politics going on , there was one voice that hit home .
It came from the newly elected speaker ,Sir Lindsay Hoyle’ and in his opening speech said this
”…..I also want to say to my family…
( there’s a difficult part I want to get over )
There is one person who is not here.
My daughter,Natalie. I wish she’d been here ,We all miss her as a family , no more so than her mum, Miriam.
I’ve got to say , she was everything to all of us .
She will always be missed ,but she will always be in our hearts.”

More beautiful photos

That last one really is very special as Rosie is wrapped in cling film and covered in paint .
Another day … another art-project .
Just love it xxxxxx

so beautiful

Before those lovely photos go .
I’m thinking ….
Top of your climbing frame
Benicassim
Richard Clarke’s 50th

Not to mention Bolly-Illusion, Crystal Rasmussen

I urge you to beg , steal or borrow a ticket for tonight’s Carmina Victoriana at the wonderful , atmospheric and beautiful Wilton’s Music Hall .
It’s the best thing I’ve seen in ages . made me laugh and cry and sing to some of mine ( and Jane’s ) favourite songs …
‘Maybe this Time’ ….from Cabaret. ‘Losing my Mind’ – also Liza Minnelli .’Chandelier by Sia’ ( After Jane’s time – but I know she would have loved it )
‘Wind beneath my Wings’ …and lot’s of other cheesy stuff .
Thank you to Tom Glitter ,Miss Hope Springs ,Diane Chorley,ACM,Glamrou and Dinah Lux .
Bloody fab

Never been there

We went to Soupy on Sunday .
I got talking to one of the regular guests ,James. Sitting on the other side of him was a female guest I had never seen before . James seemed to know her and introduced me with ‘I don’t know her name , but she’s Lithuanian ‘.I asked her her name – Karolina , then introduced myself and then proceeded to tell her everything I knew about Lithuania … which isn’t much . But as I went to Vilnius a couple of years ago , it was an opportunity for me to do a bit of brain gym and share everything I remembered of the city .So in over-emphasised sign language I attempted to describe the beauty of the 3 huge crucifixes on the hill , the snow , The Contemporary Art Centre ,The ice on the River Arno , my favourite bar ,Spunka ( struggled with the sign language for this one ) etc etc .
Karolina nodded and smiled and then said 2 words ‘ I’m Polish ‘.

Part 3

I often think the students we have staying with us get fed up of us droning on … things to do in London / where do you go on holiday? / spread the word in your country – we HATE Brexit / you told me you eat everything – how come you leave onions, chilli. jacket potato skins etc on the side of your plate ?… i could go on …
But the last 3 young Italian boys ,must have been listening , because on their last morning ,I came down to a note saying
‘We’ve had lots of fun together in these 2 weeks and to show you our gratitude, we’ve bought some presents.
Signed Andrea, Fillipo and Francesco
and on the hall table were 2 gifts ..
For me , wrapped in green Gaunt Book’s paper was a book ‘The Unfinished Palazzo’- Life, Love and Art in Venice
For John , An LP =Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Greetings from Asbury Park, N.J.’

We were very very touched

Reasons to be cheerful -part one

1.Thank -you to Declan ,Neal and Dottie for a wonderful time in France . They cooked for us , looked after us , shared their beautiful house ,garden and pool with us and hired a fast boat and took us to the most beautiful bays ever where clothes were optional ( except for me ) and the food and wine , sublime . We played Dobble ,Scrabble and swum in the sea very day .It was a real treat .
2. Colourscape on Clapham Common .
I took a group on my students there last week and it is one of the best sensory experiences we have ever had – the space, the shapes, the colour , the music and Michael .Michael is a musician who uses the singing-bowl like I’ve never seen it used before . For many of my students who have very little mobility , the tingling feeling of the bowl , gave them such joy . He demonstrated on my back and it was like a lovely tingling feeling running under my skin – very hard to describe , but very special .
3 . Rosies’ friends – they are lovely ,and nearly all turn 30 this academic year . I so wish she were too . ( silly to wish , but as already stated , anything ending with a 0 ,makes it harder ) .
The Hafeez Family , for bringing round sweets to celebrate their daughter’s wedding .
4.’Darkness-Those who Kill’ . Gripping – The Danes do drama so well.
5.Alice – I’m seeing her tomorrow and she always cheers me up

Enjoy

I feel I should write something about DC , the man , not the place .
His memoirs are out ,but I cannot bear to look at his face , but then he writes about the grief for his son ,Ivan and so I read selective bits and then I feel sad and sadder and anxious about brexiB and cross and all sorts of things that aren’t good and so I’ll write something positive ..in fact a recommendation ….
Visit Eltham Palace if you can ….henry VIII grew up there , The Coutald family bought it in the 1830’s and completely renovated and extended it .Is an an Art deco marvel . The audio guide is free and good , the grounds beautiful and the Koi Carp hungry . For all you South London hipsters , it is a hop , skip and a jump away ( I felt it was near the place you made me squeeze through the railings ?!) .

Grammar

For the first time ,in the 30 years we’ve been having international students to stay , I was asked if this ( text ) question ‘ what time dinner at ? ‘is grammatically and semantically correct.
Truth is , I’ve no dam idea !

Whichever one it is , it’s hard to come back from it

Sometimes I think it’s just me , super-sensitive, super-stupid ,super-heightened and then someone puts how I feel into words and it helps me justify my feelings .
Am I making sense , I doubt it ?
on Saturday , in true ritualistic form , after reading ‘Blind Date ‘ , I turned to The Family Section and ‘Ask Annalisa Barbieri’ . This week’s question was ‘ Should I tell my sister her father might not be her father ?’ This question has absolutely nothing to do with me ,but Annalisa’s answer helped me a lot .
If you’ve got the mag , read it , if not I’ll quote
” When we pass on news, any news- we are usually just a conduit, so “I heard so and so has just got married” is usually pretty harmless. But if the information has an extra dimension that has the potential to hurt or wound that person ( or in my case take me to a place or time which is unimaginably painful) , the person delivering it becomes extricably linked to the news they passed on, and therefore part of the problem . So “I hear so and so has just got married” delivered to someone who has been jilted ,has the ability to hurt the person hearing it. ”
Let me explain . There are certain words that I find too painful to say ,let alone type , but in order for this to make a sense , I will type one of them – sepsis .
In the past year ,2 men we know have had sepsis and both been admitted to ITU . Thankfully ,both survived .
So when their condition is casually mentioned in conversation , it discombobulates me and not only am I shocked and sad and thrown off kilter , I also think to myself , has the person who has uttered those words either
1.forgotten what has happened
2.or are they so devoid of empathy ,that they don’t think it will effect me
3.or maybe worst of all , they think I’ve got over it .

I’ve watched 3 of this series ‘Peaky Blinders’ and still not sure if I really like it

Last night I caught up on all my missed while on holiday ,  TV viewing …
And are thoughts and feelings are ….
Why , in GBBO , apart from Phil ,who is 56 , why are there no other contestants over 50 ?
The Danes do drama so well – ‘Under the Surface’ – so gripping .Loved it .
I was so gripped , I couldn’t breathe in the final half hour of The Handmaid’s Tale’ . Then I blubbed .When Rita and Luke hugged , there wasn’t a dry eye in the sitting room .
As for ‘This Way Up’ , I’ve only got one to go .and the song ‘Zombie’ has taken on a whole different persona.

Not the bike so much , but being on the water

As if things were’t sporty enough , I hired a bike .
What could be easier ? In The Netherlands ,EVERYONE cycles .Motorists respect cyclists .There are 2 metre wide tarmac cycle lanes . It is easy – unless you are me and take a look left at Bel’s kibbling and chips caravan , hit the kerb , don’t put your feet down and smash your head on the concrete . The only saving grace was that there were no other cyclists around. I did what all hardened cyclists do , picked up my bike , soaked up the blood , went home and never got on the dam thing again !
I fared better with the kayaking and let the others zoom round the canals in our little motor-boat , while I sat there like the figurehead . Although I do admit to being a bit nervous when going under a bridge which is only 30cm above the top of the hull .Every time someone shouted out ‘Bridge’ , J,J& F just ducked , while I found myself lying on the bottom of the boat .I guess I just didn’t want to hit my head again .
Despite the bash on the head , the dented pride and the realisation I’m crap at anything sporty , I loved it

I bet you didn’t know that The Wadden Sea was named a UNESCO World Heritage Site in 2014 – impress your friends , bring it up at the next local quiz night !?

At first I thought I wasn’t going to cope …no chance to go to the toilet beforehand , 2 people having to have their shoes taped to their ankles , a guide with rope, flares ( off the survival not the sixties trousers type ) and all other kind of life-saving stuff and wearing rubber surfing boots , a group of athletic looking people ( including my family ) and me .
It’s dam hard to describe a Wadlopen walk .During certain times of the year, groups of hikers traipse across mudflats located in the Wadden Sea to experience the vastness of the mudflats and see birds , wildlife and islands that are usually cut off from the Dutch mainland. We did it last Friday , on Johnnie’s birthday .It was certainly one to remember
Although it might seem simple enough, hiking across mudlflats is actually quite perilous, especially when your name is John and you have the responsibility of not letting me fall over / sink / drown or show myself up .
Well , it was bloody amazing – after the initial stress of walking about 400metres out to sea ,over deep sinking sand and therefore not being able to put your foot down for more than 1 second , we reached the oyster beds and things perked up as
1) i could look around rather than at my feet , and it was so beautiful.
2.I had stayed vertical
3. We waded through rivers and estuaries ( my favourite bit ) .
4. We saw crabs with trapeziums on their backs and 2 penii
5 .There was an overwhelming sense of achievement
and then
Kibbling, chips and beer
I won the first game of Monopoly

No sat nav then – just The AA road map of Europe

Thank you Darren for the beautiful background colour and the wonderful photos – isn’t the last one sad ?
Funnily enough , looking at those photos is like reading my old diaries- it takes me back to a specific place and time . All I remember about that photo is Rosie’s flowery dress and our flowery wall paper . I don’t remember the occasion .I really really hope she didn’t stay sad for long .
The windbreak photo was taken on a beach in Brittany and weirdly I’ve been thinking of those Keycamp holidays we used to do . The reason those holidays are in my head is because we’re packing up the car to go to Friesland to walk on the Wadden Sea . Don’t ask questions , google it and you’ll see the adventure Jacob and Florence gave me for Christmas..
Anyway ,I digress, back to the car , it used to be rammed . We were all wedged in with stuff . Every year we cranked it up a gear , and for the last 3 trips , we drove to Spain . We’d Eurotunnel it around 7pm and then John and I would take it in turns to drive ,while the kids slept .it is the only time in my life I’ve drunk red Bulls and circled Lyon 3 times as I didn’t want to wake John up ! We’d be in Pals in time for breakfast
I could write more ,but it makes me too sad to think about it and too fearful that maybe everyone didn’t enjoy it as much as me .

Another suitcase in another hall

By the time we saw this ,there was equity in our musical theatre relationship .
We were no longer sharing a bedroom , I was overcoming an obsession with David Essex and Jane , bless her , was having a tough time physically ( which means mentally as well ,as the two go hand in hand ) .
So ,I was happy to be Che Guevara, while she attempted to hit Evas’ high notes .
So last night , sitting in ,what I consider to be the most beautiful theatre in London , Regent’s Park Open Air , seeing Evita , little Jane Brown was in my head ,singing along with me and making me weep a little bit more

They nailed it

I used to seize up every time I heard Beyonce’s Crazy in Love …you know the story
Rosie- audition – practicing in the kitchen-didn’t get it- tears – trauma – hate the bloody song
until this weeks GameFace when Marcella, Graham the therapist and his student all danced to it , in silence , with the song playing in their heads.
I was hysterical and now I’m free !

Dunno why I’m even writing this !

Dunno why , but I got up at 4.30 , put the washing on , then got up at 5.30 and hung it on the line and now I feel all discombobulated – I think the only thing that perked me up was a breakfast dish Florence introduced me to – chia seeds mixed with oat milk and water and left for 5 minutes to form a paste ( at this point it looks like cat’s sick ) and then covered in fruit , yoghurt and tahini .
Anyway to absorb myself in my weedy state I watched the documentary on Jade Goody and attempted the crossword – both made my head hurt a bit .
Game Face tonight – I love her

Clause 39 Magna Carta

When Emerald needs a run out and we fancy a bit of a picnic, a river view , a hill walk and 3 memorials ..we head to Runnymede .
We did that today , except without Emerald whose boot is refusing to open .
The Brucie Bonus was the beautiful installation ‘Writ in Water’ , an artwork by Mark Wallinger . It is built in grey stone and is the same shape of Windsor Castle’s Round Tower .
The tower contains a circular pond around which are inscribed the words
‘No free man shall be seized or imprisoned, or stripped of his rights or possessions, or outlawed or exiled, or deprived of his standing in any other way, nor will we proceed with force against him, or send others to do so, except by the lawful judgment of his equals or by the law of the land.’
But the words can only be read in the reflection in the water .
So very beautiful

Even Prime-ministers suffer

We’ve caught up …. Killing Eve , The Sopranos, GameFace , We don’t have Netflix ( not a series , just a fact ) , The Handmaid’s Tale , First Dates etc etc ,and so ,when that happens , we defer to our CD box set of series 1 of The Crown .
Last night we watched the episode where Graham Sutherland painted Winston Churchill’s portrait – which ,by the way , Winston loathed so much ,he destroyed.
Anyway , artist and sitter chatted . Graham tells Winston he he is sad as he is grieving for the loss of his son who died suddenly at 10months and then Winston opens up about his grief for his daughter ,Marigold , who died of septicaemia
..
Mind the bloody gap

I won’t make the ‘catching crabs’ joke again

Last week I headed 138miles west to Eype, today .I’m heading 138 miles east , to Walberswick .
As you know ,I love it there ,it is where we scattered Janes’ ashes and where Jane and Grandpa and Grandma and Auntie Rita and Uncle Jack and Richard and Lise and Nicholai and Sarah and Victoria and Jacob and Rosie and Florence and John and I laughed a lot

We’re having a heatwave

My bedroom used to be this colour …. can’t beat a good strong shade of orange .

Well we’re back from Eype ,Dorset and what have I learnt ?
1. No matter how many times I climb Thorncombe Beacon , I puff , pant , wheeze , feel like my lungs are going to explode and then take 100 pics plus of the view – it is worth every dam step .
2. ( worryingly ) Lots of Daily Mails are sold in the campsite shop . Not that I’m into labelling (?) , but I think its all the people up the static-caravan end , that are buying them . Us lot ,on grass , tend to be hitting the IPA’s and local cider and avoiding anything to do with Boris.
3. After 7 years of staying in Eype and drooling over the view – white cliffs, aqua sparkling sea, the occasional para-glider drifting over Emerald , don’t be hacked off when you invite family over for a lunchtime bbq , the mist drops , and you can’t even see your soft baps, let alone the view.
4.bbq’s on the beach taste better
5.Going in the sea is more fun with somebody else .
6 . That when you drop a Travel Scrabble tile down one of Emerald’s grooves , you might not find it until the following day – good job it wasn’t an S , I’d have demanded a re-match.
7 . Dorset cereal tastes better in Dorset – it’s back to Lidl’s granola once home
8 . Whatever the temp on the cliff-top , its 13 degrees higher at 106