God knows why I do it , but I do

Did you watch the programme – brilliant wasn’t it ?

Changing the subject completely

I don’t know why I do it , is a sort of weird self-flagellation like a monk wearing a horse-hair vest used to do?

But I continue to test ( punish ) myself .

This week I did it 3 times

1.looked in my 1990 diary to check I did start in my current job 25years ago .

Turned out it was the 2nd September and I was more nervous about Jacob and Rosie going to their new child-minder,Viv. .

Jacob was fine , but Rosie kept up a protest for about 4 months , her final a act of defiance being throwing her dirty nappy onto Viv’s bed , while she was meant to be having a nap in the camping-cot . After a few words from Viv and then me , she calmed down and loved it there . In 2009 , both Viv and their subsequent childminder ,Bev , came to ‘We Cluster and we Stick’ .I loved them then and I loved them more for doing that.

2. En route to the brilliant Barbara Hepworth Exhibition at the Tate Britain, I walked across the forecourt of Chelsea College of Art ….doesn’t sound much , for me that was MASSIVE

Add to the fact ,this is probably the hardest term for me , as I am always thinking ..back in 2008 Rosie had just started at Chelsea, Jacob was in his 2nd year at Newcastle and applying to go to Istanbul , Florence was at Drayton starting her A’levels , John was considering a career change , Grandma was in Brigstock saying inappropriate thins to anyone who would listen and loving her weekly samosas/Maccie D / jerk chicken , I was plodding along … and we were so happy .

They say you shouldn’t live in the past – well whoever wrote that hadn’t experienced trauma .It is impossible not to think of the past – I don’t live in it , it lives in me.

3. After seeing Bab’s sculptures and lunching at the Garden Cafe at Lambeth Palace , I chose to walk south side of the Thames, opp the Houses of Parliament to the tube .I walked past the very spot where I had sat with Jane ( outside St Thomas’ Hospital ) , the day before she died .

That was a bridge too far , I came home and took my vest off .

2 Replies to “God knows why I do it , but I do”

  1. I was feeling incredibly sad reading this until the last bit. You always make me laugh and I now have this image of you wrestling with a string vest and the string vest winning xxxx

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