I speak to Rosie evryday

Blogs are odd things aren’t they ? I write one and I think they are odd. Where does the word ‘blog’ come from ? Who reads them ? Is it just a public form of self-indulgence? Why would anyone want to read about someone elses’ life- let alone what they think ? I just don’t get it .

Sometimes I read my last few entries back and I realise …I don’t finish stuff …it’s trivial …I don’t mention Rosie …I talk about myself …and I feel a bit stupid .

So now I’m going to finish stuff and talk about pain/love/loss because that is what this is all about .

John arrived home late on Monday night .He had a brilliant time ,was pooped, but has cycled to work everyday since and is even contemplating a cycle ride into the Chilterns tomorrow .

Jacob flew in ,worked hard on his film and flew out .We had a short time together to share some WeirdBeard Hanwell Ale and some Reunion Island Passion Fruit Chocolate .

Our students have no mobile phones , have never been to England before , are very young and to their credit ,have not got lost .My heart was in my mouth the first time they went out, having had a 20 hour journey ,been in London for 2 hours and only had a photocopied A-Z page of Ealing and a tube-map.

Life is not the same as it was 6 years ago .It is good , but it is not the same .For anyone who has experienced the death of your child ,you will know what I mean .There is a sort-of science to it .When you love someone so very very very much, and they are suddenly snatched away from you , the amount of pain is relative to the amount of love you have for them .Plus as a parent , your job is to nurture and protect and I haven’t . So in effect ,I have failed .The guilt is unbearable at times -and that is destructive . When those thoughts enter my head I have to give myself a good old talking to and apply mindful strategies my therapist has given me . Although my life goes on , the pain never goes away .But ,I think, in 5 years ,4 months and 18 days I have learned to live around it and with it and I feel my life is very positive and full of good experiences and people .John,Jacob and Florence will probably cringe when(if) they read this ,but everyday ,I thank the stars for them .They are my world ,and although they don’t know it ,my sanity .

I would like to thank Benjamin Brooks-Dutton for these beautiful words .I have adopted them and at some point in everyday I say them to my beautiful,older ,daughter,Rosie

“I can’t bring you back ,but I promise to keep your memory alive.

I can’t touch you ,but I can love you everyday.

I can’t replace you, but I promise to help the people you loved through this pain.

I can’t feel the way I felt when you were here, but I can try to remain positive for you and our family.

And these are the four promises I make to you now.”

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