6 years, 7 months and 10 days later and I still don’t know when that overwhelming ,searing pain is going to hit me and this afternoon it did ….and it hit real hard .
I was in a good mood , don’t get me wrong I still am ,I am certainly not in a bad mood , but I am having to battle with a deep deep level of sadness .My threshold has been reached and I’ve sunk below it , but believe me ,I’m swimming very hard to get back to the surface ,where I can breathe and just ‘be’.
So here goes .
I’ve had a lovely week -nights out with friends, been taken up The Shard ( for breakfast ) , taught how to feed live maggots to Geckos ,had a budgie sit on my finger , heard from Florence in China , met friends for coffee and cake in the Petersham Nurseries , sat in the garden and stopped the cats from killing my frogs , got my OS map / book of Pembrokeshire walks out etc etc .
Today I put aside for packing , So this afternoon I was sitting on my bed ,facing the window sorting something out when this vivid memory came to me ……
It was around 15 years ago ,on a Saturday at around the same time and date and we were getting ready to go on our Keycamp holiday .The plan was that at around 6 we were driving to the Channel Tunnel and then on through the night , arriving in Spain in time for breakfast .Rosie, Florence and I were sitting on my bed ,I had the sewing box out and was doing some last minute repairs . Rosie being Rosie kept putting buttons in her mouth ,until the inevitable happened and she swallowed one . OMG , I was in a dither , I didn’t know what to do .I phoned NHS Direct and they said take her to casualty . What I hate to admit is that I was cross .Cross with her for doing it, cross with myself for being cross , cross with myself for doing the bloody sewing . Anyway ,all was fine .Casualty was efficient and we got the booked shuttle and the drive went well .We had a lovely holiday .
The story became a famous family one ,but in a funny sort of way .
So why did it come to me today ?
Because I love her , because I miss her , because all the sensory clues of time, space, light were there , because I feel guilty ?
Who Knows ?
All I know is that it is so hard and it makes me so sad I have a big pain in my chest just where my heart is