It is like someone has taken the rug from under my feet

6 years, 7 months and 10 days later and I still don’t know when that overwhelming ,searing pain is going to hit me and this afternoon it did ….and it hit real hard .

I was in a good mood , don’t get me wrong I still am ,I am certainly not in a bad mood , but I am having to battle with a deep deep level of sadness .My threshold has been reached and I’ve sunk below it , but believe me ,I’m swimming very hard to get back to the surface ,where I can breathe and just ‘be’.

So here goes .

I’ve had a lovely week -nights out with friends, been taken up The Shard ( for breakfast ) , taught how to feed live maggots to Geckos ,had a budgie sit on my finger , heard from Florence in China , met friends for coffee and cake in the Petersham Nurseries , sat in the garden and stopped the cats from killing my frogs , got my OS map / book of Pembrokeshire walks out etc etc .

Today I put aside for packing , So this afternoon I was sitting on my bed ,facing the window sorting something out when this vivid memory came to me ……

It was around 15 years ago ,on a Saturday at around the same time and date and we were getting ready to go on our Keycamp holiday .The plan was that at around 6 we were driving to the Channel Tunnel and then on through the night , arriving in Spain in time for breakfast .Rosie, Florence and I were sitting on my bed ,I had the sewing box out and was doing some last minute repairs . Rosie being Rosie kept putting buttons in her mouth ,until the inevitable happened and she swallowed one . OMG , I was in a dither , I didn’t know what to do .I phoned NHS Direct and they said take her to casualty . What I hate to admit is that I was cross .Cross with her for doing it, cross with myself for being cross , cross with myself for doing the bloody sewing . Anyway ,all was fine .Casualty was efficient and we got the booked shuttle and the drive went well .We had a lovely holiday .

The story became a famous family one ,but in a funny sort of way .

So why did it come to me today ?

Because I love her , because I miss her , because all the sensory clues of time, space, light were there , because I feel guilty ?

Who Knows ?

All I know is that it is so hard and it makes me so sad I have a big pain in my chest just where my heart is

One Reply to “It is like someone has taken the rug from under my feet”

  1. I wish there was something anyone could say to ease the pain for you.

    I really like that story – classic Rosie, always wanting to discover what’s around her using every single one of her senses! It’s great that you did so many things together as a family that you have so many memories with Rosie. It’s reliving and remembering those, and telling those stories, that keeps her alive in all of our hearts and minds xxx

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