I’ve never got 50 extra points for a 7 letter word

Although my love and sadness (which is found to be associated with increases in bilateral activity within the vicinity of the middle and posterior temporal cortex, lateral cerebellum, cerebellar vermis, midbrain, putamen, and caudate.) never dwindle , my grief alters .I have talked of my pain being almost scientific – it is relative to the immense love I have for Rosie .But my grief is not – it is organic .It changes, it moves, it is unpredictable BUT it is always there .I continue to protect ‘my gash’, nurse my broken heart – for it is unfixable – and work hard at making mine a fulfilled,happy, safe ,good-hearted ,kind of a life.

So it really pisses me off ( not sounding so good-hearted now !) when people tell me how I feel ,what I like doing ,what I don’t like doing , who am comfortable being with etc .Someone said to me recently ‘we had a gathering of local friends ,but I didn’t invite you as I know you don’t like big groups’…Give me the dam choice .I love gatherings, parties, games,picnics,walks, dinner-parties ,I love people …but maybe not at that moment ,but maybe I will in a day/week/month/year/decade .I don’t know how I’ll feel ,so I don’t know how anyone else does . I firmly believe in choice .I spend half my working day ,employing strategies to give my students opportunities to choose , so why can’t people do it with us ?

Rant over, and maybe two examples of how things have changed

Yesterday was the first time in 5 years+5 months and 6 days ,I felt strong enough to step into Waitrose on a Tuesday after 5pm .It was only because I wanted to pick up a lipstick I’d ordered online ! I said Rosie’s name out loud and told her how shallow I was and apologised for not being able to walk anywhere near the cheese counter.

Today ,two friends are taking me away to Lewes for the night .Hopefully we are going to look around Charleston ,the home of Duncan Grant and Vanessa Bell and walk over The Seven Sisters ( cliffs not siblings ) .I know ,they know, at times I need peace ,to opt out ,to take Rosie into my head whereas at other times I’ll be partying with the rest of them .Scrabble is packed.


4 Replies to “I’ve never got 50 extra points for a 7 letter word”

  1. I read your blog and feel you meet and face life courageously , with a lot of love and guts.
    I get annoyed when people assume I am tired or ill , just because I haven’t put my make-up on .

  2. I may not visit your blog daily but I do need to visit it regularly and when I do I always catch up on al the missed blogs so hope Florence didn’t lose her work and is OK and do carry on writing this Rachel. You have an amazing way with words,knowing you as long as I have I shouldn’t be surprised! Hop the Seven Sisters went well, I don’t think I have ever managed all 7, we have friends in Eastbourne so we visit them regularly. I hope you and John will be able to come here soon xxx

  3. Julia we would love to come to the IOW – hopefully next year .
    As for the words ,thank-you for writing that as I honestly don’t know how I sound ( I fear stupid,illiterate,self-pitying,come to mind ) .But I do know back in the days when we got together ,no-one could get a word in edgeways!

  4. Never stupid, illiterate,self pitying, truly inspiring,heart felt and honest.xxx Look forward to you coming over next year and talking our socks off together xx

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