Although my love and sadness (which is found to be associated with increases in bilateral activity within the vicinity of the middle and posterior temporal cortex, lateral cerebellum, cerebellar vermis, midbrain, putamen, and caudate.) never dwindle , my grief alters .I have talked of my pain being almost scientific – it is relative to the immense love I have for Rosie .But my grief is not – it is organic .It changes, it moves, it is unpredictable BUT it is always there .I continue to protect ‘my gash’, nurse my broken heart – for it is unfixable – and work hard at making mine a fulfilled,happy, safe ,good-hearted ,kind of a life.
So it really pisses me off ( not sounding so good-hearted now !) when people tell me how I feel ,what I like doing ,what I don’t like doing , who am comfortable being with etc .Someone said to me recently ‘we had a gathering of local friends ,but I didn’t invite you as I know you don’t like big groups’…Give me the dam choice .I love gatherings, parties, games,picnics,walks, dinner-parties ,I love people …but maybe not at that moment ,but maybe I will in a day/week/month/year/decade .I don’t know how I’ll feel ,so I don’t know how anyone else does . I firmly believe in choice .I spend half my working day ,employing strategies to give my students opportunities to choose , so why can’t people do it with us ?
Rant over, and maybe two examples of how things have changed
Yesterday was the first time in 5 years+5 months and 6 days ,I felt strong enough to step into Waitrose on a Tuesday after 5pm .It was only because I wanted to pick up a lipstick I’d ordered online ! I said Rosie’s name out loud and told her how shallow I was and apologised for not being able to walk anywhere near the cheese counter.
Today ,two friends are taking me away to Lewes for the night .Hopefully we are going to look around Charleston ,the home of Duncan Grant and Vanessa Bell and walk over The Seven Sisters ( cliffs not siblings ) .I know ,they know, at times I need peace ,to opt out ,to take Rosie into my head whereas at other times I’ll be partying with the rest of them .Scrabble is packed.