letting your mind wander is a luxury

I believe I ( we ) have suffered deep trauma .Stupidly ,after Jane died ,I thought I’d had my emotional shock .Even though Jane became frailer and frailer , I didn’t think she was going to die .When I was with her I kept buoyant ,happy ,upbeat always planning what we were going to do next .She loved Jacob ,Rosie and Florence and they loved her .They planned for her too. Then seven years and seven months later when Rosie died , the trauma,shock,sadness,disbelief hit me again ,but this time like a steam train- it was a million times worse .I live with this trauma and have developed coping strategies. I know now who my true friends are , who will let me just ‘be’ , who will talk about both sad and happy stuff , who will talk to me about their vulnerabilities and with the odd text,email ( I continue to loathe the phone ) invitation ,suggestion- show me they care .But the one thing that still eludes me ,is the luxury of just lying in bed or just sitting and doing nothing. I always have to be ‘doing’. I think it is because I cannot let my mind just meander – because it always ends up at the same place .So I only go to bed when I am very tired ,and as soon as I am awake ,I get up.

Yesterday I read a tragic story ( look away now Ann D.of Ealing ) about a young woman,Tina Nash, whose abusive partner gouged her eyes out with his fingers .Her trauma is unimaginable .She is an amazing ,inspirational woman and lives independently at home with her two sons, but relies in someone being with her outdoors.But one little thing she wrote which made me think ,I’m not all mad and that there are common strands in trauma was ” I decided that every morning when I wake up I need to get straight out of bed. I still keep to that rule .I won’t lie there and think about things.” I’m with her on that on, and I have the luxury of being able to see.

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