Lots of stuff going on in my head …

Today ,the 3rd of May , is Grandma’s birthday . My dear old Ma was born in 1921. It is also the day the Madeleine McCann went missing in 2007. Sometimes ,in my dark times, I think of Kate McCann and what she must be going through . I fear she might be in an even darker place than me , and she carries on .So I suppose for me ,she is a bit of an inspiration .Today on AOL news it popped up “Madeleine McCann’s bedroom remains the same six years after disappearance’. Made me cross really – they are dammed if they do and dammed if they don’t .Rosie’s bedroom is more or less as she left it at around 11am on Sunday 21st December 2008 – the books she was reading are by her bed , her birthday presents in a bag ( including the bomber jacket I bought from a charity shop which she said made her look like a prostitute ) and the felt-pen writing on the wall .At the moment her room is also stuffed with all the pictures from ‘We Cluster and we Stick’ plus the pictures from our kitchen,hall,stairs and landing ,which we took down when the wall was knocked down .When we are strong enough, we shall start putting them up . Doing new stuff ,making decisions is never easy .But once the pictures are out of Rosie’s room , it will be ‘her’ again . I never go in there without apologising to her .Apologising for what happened and apologising for not being able to look at her pictures- it makes me so so sad.

I know I said I don’t believe in the supernatural , but just sometimes I feel Rosie is with me , nudging me , and this is going to sound silly, but never more than when I hear Kings of Leon ‘Use Somebody’ . It came on this morning , just as I was thinking of Ma, Jane ,Maddie McCann and John cycling to Amsterdam, but funnily enough, not about Rosie .I like to think she is with me ,giving me strength and holding my hand .

Jane was in my thoughts as last night I saw ‘A Chorus Line’ and I’ve told you before about ‘the feet on the ladies’ shoulders in front’ incident. I knew every dam word and my friend told me I was singing a little too loud in …”Nothing, I’m feeling nothing,” And he says “Nothing Could get a girl transferred.” They all felt something, But I felt nothing Except the feeling That this bullshit was absurd!

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