There’s a moment when I wake up , it’s probably just a few seconds , when I think everything is normal. This is a moment of pure peace in my head . Then ,my brain clunks into gear , and the realisation that I no longer have Rosie ,kicks in , and my heart plummets and its bloody hard to get up .Sometimes I just don’t want to , but I have to .Ironically lying in bed thinking ,makes me more crazy than going downstairs and doing mundane stuff .Hence the reason I never lie in .

Today is doubly hard as it is the 11th anniversary of Jane’s death .This time 11 years ago ,I was sitting shaking and crying in St Thomas’s Hospital and Mother had just turned up in a mini cab . She didn’t know Jane had died .I shouted it out to her ,I’ll always regret that – she was calm and I was hysterical. I got to the hospital at about 7am , having settled Jane the night before ,saying goodnight to her around midnight. The hospital phoned at 6 to say she had cardiac arrested and to come in quickly .The journey was odd, I remember what I wore ( black shorts and T Shirt ) and the basket I carried .On the tube ,I stood shaking and sobbing and no-one offered me a seat . I ran ( by my standards ) over Westminster Bridge ,along the Thames path ,opposite the Houses of Parliament and into Jane’s ward .The Ward Sister was waiting for me ,and I just knew .When she said ”I’m sorry’ .I just screamed and flung my basket across the ward .I think now of those poor patients in that ward (which was for patients having their breathing assessed ) , I certainly didn’t do them any favours . I then burst into the Nurses handover meeting and shouted a few of my observations of staying there the whole night with Jane, 2 nights previously ( too much to write here a, but it included not doing ward rounds ,but instead sitting and reading a bible ) and was escorted out .Then Mother came , then I phoned Richard .Then I sat with Jane and for her ,I was calm .

6 Replies to “31.5.01”

  1. I remember arriving at Grandma’s house that day, I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t in then went to one of her neighbours who told me Jane had died….. I had Kris with me and remember being (and still am) grateful that he got to meet Jane and see what a fantastic, strong, funny, intelligent and caring person she was. She was amazing! XXX

  2. A terrible time for you Rach but thanks to you and Joan, Jane had a life that others only dream of. It was short but so fulfilled and what a mark she left on those who were fortunate to know her. When I think of Jane, I think of the best of times. xx

  3. Rach, I hang on to the last two times I hung out with Jane – the first time she was in hospital and I took champagne and glasses; she said we can’t drink that in here and I said, well, we’re going to – and we did, laughing, telling stories and sharing good times; then not long after when Jane was back home, on New Years Day we cooked roast duck for dinner and she sparkled, as usual. But my overwhelming admiration and respect goes to her being able to have a gaggle of men – complete strangers – feeding her gin and tonics without even knowing it, within minutes of meeting her; a true testament to her charisma, panache and zest for life. 11 years on she still travels with me every day xxxxx

  4. Sally, I agree.Jane was no angel , but she really was amazing .I don’t think many could have endured what she had to and kept such an enormous love for life

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