There’s a moment when I wake up , it’s probably just a few seconds , when I think everything is normal. This is a moment of pure peace in my head . Then ,my brain clunks into gear , and the realisation that I no longer have Rosie ,kicks in , and my heart plummets and its bloody hard to get up .Sometimes I just don’t want to , but I have to .Ironically lying in bed thinking ,makes me more crazy than going downstairs and doing mundane stuff .Hence the reason I never lie in .
Today is doubly hard as it is the 11th anniversary of Jane’s death .This time 11 years ago ,I was sitting shaking and crying in St Thomas’s Hospital and Mother had just turned up in a mini cab . She didn’t know Jane had died .I shouted it out to her ,I’ll always regret that – she was calm and I was hysterical. I got to the hospital at about 7am , having settled Jane the night before ,saying goodnight to her around midnight. The hospital phoned at 6 to say she had cardiac arrested and to come in quickly .The journey was odd, I remember what I wore ( black shorts and T Shirt ) and the basket I carried .On the tube ,I stood shaking and sobbing and no-one offered me a seat . I ran ( by my standards ) over Westminster Bridge ,along the Thames path ,opposite the Houses of Parliament and into Jane’s ward .The Ward Sister was waiting for me ,and I just knew .When she said ”I’m sorry’ .I just screamed and flung my basket across the ward .I think now of those poor patients in that ward (which was for patients having their breathing assessed ) , I certainly didn’t do them any favours . I then burst into the Nurses handover meeting and shouted a few of my observations of staying there the whole night with Jane, 2 nights previously ( too much to write here a, but it included not doing ward rounds ,but instead sitting and reading a bible ) and was escorted out .Then Mother came , then I phoned Richard .Then I sat with Jane and for her ,I was calm .