Ain’t no mountain high enough

While Jacob goes fell-running in Yorkshire and Florence takes the steep ,hair-pin bend drive to Tusheti , John and I will take Emerald onto the cliff-top at Eype and then spend 4 days looking for things we’ve packed away safely .

Rich or poor, it affects us all

Ben Goldsmith’s tweet after the sudden death of his 15year old daughter, Iris ,who died in a crash on the family’s farm in Somerset, last Monday July 8.

”God, please can I have my beautiful, brilliant, kind little girl back, please God. And if not, please take extra special care of her. I love her so so much and I’m so proud of her. It hurts me so much I can’t describe.”

Can’t get her out of my head ( as Kylie would say )

It’s hard to write about a wedding without sounding cheesy- but Natalie and Thomas’s was a joy .

I could say loads more , beautiful bridesmaids ( Florence was one !) , the love was in the air , we were thoroughly spoilt with food , music , drink , bon jovi or homie ( or something like that ) , our table was brill – great conversations , Right Rev Georgie C. did them proud .It was fabulous .
But still I see Rosie dancing on the decking in that lovely free way , so I preferred to do my pathetic jigging on the grass .

She was right , I did howl when I opened it .

I received a gift today from my art-room volunteer . KA is lovely , she used to be a student at the school and now comes back two days a week to help keep the art-room in order . Last week she went on her annual holiday to Bognor . This morning I was told to close my eyes and promise not to cry as she gave me my gift . I opened them to find a candle with the words

‘ 40 – you are starting a new phase in your life .You have self-confidence and are very attractive.You are in the full bloom of life and working hard for a wonderful , secure future. Just like this candle ,you glow with warmth and light ”

Considering I’m 61 and resemble a washed out old rag , that’s not bad going .

I guess it beats last year’s gift which was a mug with the inscription ‘5 days working with you twats , 2 days of bliss’ !

*except maybe Geoffrey

Now Darren is back from his amazing cycle across Kenya , he has chosen some beautiful and very moving photos of Rosie …

Her 18th Birthday party ,2007, our kitchen , with Helen on her left .

On The Staten Island Ferry , NYC , 2007, with Tim on her right ( I loved it when she wore her hair up )

Worthing seafront , around 1992. We had taken Grandpa down to Gifford House , an ex servicepersons respite care home , and we went on to have a fabulous day .

This is odd that Darren chose this photo as 2 weeks ago today ,John and I went to Worthing and had lunch in Crabshack . We walked along the front , up the pier , popped into the amusements and got hooked on the machine where you roll 2p down a shoot and a machine edges the coins forward . We must have spent a good half an hour in there as I was determined to get the £5 note that was teetering on the edge . I never got it and I finally relented and when a young child and her father took over my space , I even told them my tactics !

Anyway , while strolling , I talked about the very day that photograph was taken . It is a really strong memory . I remembered Geoffrey being anxious , me being more anxious and not wanting to show it , Joan feeling guilty as we drove off with him , although his stay was only for 2 weeks and he was doing her head in . Then ,once he was safely in situ , we hit the seafront and the mini funfair , and everyone was happy *.

Sadly , the last photo , I’m not sure about – it looks like she is dressed up for something – a nursery school play perhaps ?

Happy days , so beautiful , like my other children , she doesn’t know how loved she is .

Emerald’s cold box has made an apperance

Of course you know it’s not the worst thing that can happen , but , when you wake up and your new fridge has packed in and …

you have 6 people for supper

3 italians arriving tomorrow ( for 2 weeks )

Jacob, Florence and Simon arriving on thursday for a week or so

You’re working flat-out and full-time as it’s the busiest school week of the year , when we host our immersive , multi-sited ,sensory story as part of The West London Inclusive Arts Festival .

It’s parent’s evening on Thursday

and your head hurts a bit after a works do last night ..

what do you do ……?

Ditch the coffee and be the first one in Currys at 9am

At last Theresa’s done something right

The government are to introduce a children’s funeral fund next month, ensuring no parent will have to pay for their child’s burial or cremation .

grim topic/wrong order/ so sad / and all the other stuff you’ve heard me say before

* first scene , flowery fabric

‘Killing Eve’ – loved it , especially the scene in The Rijks ( and trying to spot any bars we’ve been to ) .

I also have to admit to having trouser envy *

It’s on the map at last

Thanks to Stormzy for bigging up Thornton Heath with a “Oi Glasto, it’s the only the fu**ing beginning,”

I’m not sure if he ever frequented…..

Brigstock Manor ( Grandma’s old people’s home )

Thornton Heath Baths – home to Enterprise Swimming Club – where I spent every Friday night from the age 5- 12

Drive thro Macdonalds at Thornton Heath Pond , where Grandma and I would go most Thursdays – at the age of 88 she’d have the Happy Meal and hand the toy to to the nearest kid .

The RHM offices , where I filed flour orders

Croydon school of Gymnastics – I never went there either ,just walked past it a lot on the way to Delly’s Caribbean Cuisine

A lovely couple and a wonderful bash

Thanks to Scarlett and Gareth for inviting us to your humdinger of a wedding .

We were truly spoiled and loved every minute of it – even walking up the lane in the pitch- black with only the stars to guide us .

Kings of Leon – not sure if i can listen to them anymore

Chopping veggies for my stir-fry .
Nearly chopped my hand off when I heard this

I’ll be the one to show you the way

You’ll be the one to always complain
Three in the morning, come a-bang-bang-bang
All out of fags and I just can’t wait
Cancel the thing that I said I’d do
I don’t feel comfortable talking to you
Unless you got the zipper fixed on my shoe
Then I’ll be in the lobby drinking for two

Eighteen, balding, star
Golden, fallen heart

Look at the shakies, what’s with the blush?
Fresh off the plane in my fuzzy rush
Everyone’s gathered to idolize me
I hate the way you talk, your Japanese scream
It’s…

Who’d have guessed ? The Class of 2001

A dear friend of mine works at Elthorne Park High School ,where Rosie went to school ( and The SOC were formed ) .

Today she sent me a WhatsApp with the simple message ‘found this in the staffroom ‘… it was Rosie’s yearbook ‘Class of 2001’ …

She the sent me some pictures of the book .

I saw Mr Mc Dougal’s face smiling out …and Holly’s and Manpreet and Ali Melissa and Mustafa …..and of course Rosie’s . Quite a moment . Funnily enough we have the year book upstairs but I’ve never been able to look at it .

Then the funny bit and probably now something that wouldn’t happen , the answers to the student’s questionnaire, I guess about the girls, there must have been another one for the boys –

Most likely to succedd -Laura Gordon

Most likely to be famous -Shauna Waugh

Most likely to rule the world -Amy Garcia Brooks

Best Female teacher – Ms Grimley

Most likely to be a model -JOURDAN DUNN

St Stephen’s Tavern is where they met

Back to Dad and the whole DDay thing .
Geoffrey loved water ,he was in the Royal Navy, then worked on the river and then ran a launderette!
When I was around 8 , he bought a little dinghy with an outboard motor. Before launching it on the River Thames at Weybridge , he painstakingly painted it’s name on the side ‘ Utah’. He then explained why he gave it that name , I wasn’t that bothered at the time , just wanted to pull that cord, start the engine and steer the dam thing. I think he only took it out twice – sad really.
Mother on the other hand viewed the war differently. She found it liberating .
In 1939, she was 18, had left home and was living with her Aunt Rene and Uncle Bill in their pub, St. Stephen’s Tavern, opposite St. Stephen’s Tower , otherwise known as Big Ben. She worked behind the bar and volunteered for The Red Cross. She told wonderful stories of how her and her friends would take leftover food and beer from the pub and picnic on Parliament Square after 11 pm closing time during the blackout . I asked her once if she was afraid as she was living in such a targeted area – she said it never really crossed her mind.
Geoffrey ,on the other hand,said nothing

After the sea, you can’t beat a bit of seeing stuff

Ooh what a week for seeing stuff ..

Lee Krasner at The Barbican

Tirzah and Eric Ravilious at the Fry Gallery , Saffron Walden

The inside of Hatfield House – when the troops were little we only ever saw the outside and I’m not sure if we ever went back after Florence dropped her Tamagotchi in the pond .It was a traumatic moment !

The inside of Emerald’s portipotti .

Tomorrow , as the clouds form and the rain comes we’re taking her to Eype – cannee wait

My sister,Jane

On Radio 4’s Saturday Live listeners can leave a message of gratitude to someone they haven’t thanked before but have really impacted them in some way .

I would like to say sorry to a group of vulnerable people to whom I fear I frightened / shocked/startled and to whom I’ve never seen since ….

Around 5.30am on this day 18 years ago I had a phone call from the nursing sister of Lane Fox Ward ,St Thomas’s Hospital ,London .All the patients have sleep disordered breathing, chronic respiratory failure and pulmonary hypertension. They are not well and often fearful people . She told me to come in quickly as my sister ,Jane, was very unwell . I had spent the previous evening with Jane , and because the staff couldn’t locate a piece of medical equipment she needed, had driven back to St Oswald’s Road ,to get it for them . I did not have confidence in the ward staff and was very concerned about the level of care .I felt I did have insight having stayed with her the night before last , and witnessed the nurse on night duty only do 2 ward rounds and spend the rest of the time reading the bible .

Anyway , back to my apology . After the phone call , I dressed , and this is weird and superficial, but I remember what i was wearing – black shorts and t shirt and carried a brightly coloured plastic basket . John drove me to Northfields, I got the tube to Westminster and stood ,gripping the bar and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed . People looked away , no-one said a thing . I (sort of ) ran across Westminster Bridge ,along the riverside walk and into the entrance of Lane Fox Ward . The nursing-sister was stood in civvies, white jeans and a white t shirt , I knew she was waiting for me .Ironivcally she just said 2 words ‘Im sorry’ and I immediately knew .
So what did I do ?
I screamed . I howled and then flung my basket across the ward .

So to those patients , i would like to say sorry

My brother ,Richard

Sending a BIG pile of Happy 70th Birthday Love across the North Sea to my dear brother Richard

and an apology …

Just after Rosie died , Richard asked if he could have one of Rosie’s pieces of art – a sketch , a painting , a collage – he didn’t mind . The truth is I haven’t forgotten , but in 10 years and 5 months , have never the strength to go through her portfolios .

Sketches are like handwriting – HER , alive and vibrant and beautiful and of the moment .

Ditto, Georgina and Danny’s wedding present , they were promised a piece too . Instead they got egg-cups

I have no doubt that one day I’ll dig very deep and Richard ( and G&D) you will get the special present you deserve

I think I saw that coach and wrote something similar last year

A 10 out of 10 Suffolk walk , which included a trip across the river in a rowing boat and a double seal spot.

A night in Benjamin’s Britton’s House .

Dins in The Anchor , Walberswick .

Lunch in Billy’s on the Beach , Bracklesham Bay .

The first swim in the sea of 2019 ….

life is pretty dam good …

and then walking past Elthorne Park , I see a coach with French number-plates . And I know exactly who that coach is for and it transports my mind back to around this time 16 years ago and all I can see is Rosie bouncing along next to her French exchange guest and realising that 4 days with her could be quite hard work and so getting in touch with Laura , who not only could speak fluent French ,but was also hosting a student, and arranging for them all to meet up .

She was a happy , joyous bunny, my Rosie.

* by us

We’re heading west to unexplored (*)coastal territory …Orford Ness .
My favourite sort of day , especially as it involves a rowing-boat

She admits to feeling vulnerable , which jane did all the time , especially in unfamiliar situations

Until yesterday I’d never heard of Sinead Burke, but now she’s my style-icon .

No ,I’m not going to give up my baggy-black ( although sometimes navy ) – anonymous – comfy clothes and adopt a Burberry ,Gucci, Ferragamo ( never heard of them ) or even a Christopher Kane look … but I’m going to follow her somewhere/ somehow .

Why , because she is beautiful and stylish and lovely and she picks her clothes off the rack and then customised for her 3′ 5” frame . Like my dear sister, Jane ,she has achondroplasia, which is the most common form of restricted growth, and results in wider hips and cruelly, curvature of the spine and she campaigns for one of the subjects closest to my heart , inclusion .

I could go on and on and bore everyone , but I won’t . I’ll just make a little detour next time I’m in Glasgow to see ‘Body Beautiful: Diversity on the Catwalk’ at the National Museum of Scotland, in Edinburgh .

31 years ago today and I couldn’t have been happier

My boy is 31 today …

and as I walk down the Thames towpath with Johnnie and some dear friends who have know him since the day he was born , I will thrown in a pebble and hope my ripples of love run all the way east to Southend , across The English Channel , up The Amstel and right up to whichever little canal he happens to be sitting next to at the time .

What a great little community we live in

Along with half of Hanwell, I had the great privilege of seeing The Missing People Choir sing Birdy’s ‘Wings’ at St Melitus Church this evening .

It once one of the most moving performances I have ever seen . The song was introduced by Ros Hodgkiss, the mother of Alice Goss ,who went missing in Hanwell five years ago .

The Missing People Choir is made up of people with missing loved ones, alongside staff and supporters of the charity Missing People .

Two years ago they got to the final s of Britain’s Got Talent . As they sung ,appeals for their missing loved ones ran on screen behind them. It was quite something .Tonight they told us that this prompted some of their loved ones to contact them.

I don’t think there was a dry eye in the church .

I know I’m always plugging things , but it’s only because these people are special and have suffered and continue to suffer and when things get into my gash , I want to shout out their cause/plight/pain . Don’t know why , guess I feel a little bit of solidarity in hope.

Anyway , if you have 3 minutes ……….

Daisy Haggard – what a star

Sorry , I’m still drawn to it .

Did anyone read the article in Sunday’s Times magazine ?

‘ Please tell me , I said slowly.Did the brick hit her head ?’

It was a piece by the writer ,Jayson Greene , on the unbearable agony of losing his daughter in a freak accident .

Of course I did . Then I got to think of what other people would think when they read it . And of course ,I judged ,jumped to conclusions and made assumptions that most people would think …. how sad , how awful , how tragic …and then get on with their day to day stuff .

Meanwhile , I read it , and I think …

another heart broken

he’s in my cliche of a stupid club

how can he remember that level of detail ?

How can he bear to write it down ?

How can he bear to share it ?

Then I have a little weep and watch ‘Back to Life’ – which made me laugh a lot and for a little while distracted me from Greta’s death and Rosie’s death , and gave my brain a little rest .

Please look ( and like -if , in fact, you do )

Instagram – it’s a funny old thing . I think I’m called a lurker .I don’t post anything , but I look at stuff .

I hooked up after having a drink with some of Rosies’ friends in a pub in Shoreditch ( did I get carried away by the hipster vibe ?) after seeing a viewing of Jacob’s film ( arty vibe ?) .

They were all talking about Holly’s amazing drawings , and I was kindly told ,that to see stuff like that , it is best to go on Insta . I did as I was told , signed up , logged on , fell in love with Holly’s pictures and…then started following other stuff which made me feel in awe / inadequate /a looser/ a voyeur / happy/ bored / impressed / envious /shocked/ etc etc .

Anyway , recently I have been working with other special schools on the WLIAF – West London Inclusive Arts Festival , and through this collaboration , I have met up and have been working with a wonderful parent of a SEN student from a different school . This parent is a photographer and as part of the Festival , has been meeting with other parents and carers of SEN young people , taking photos ,hearing their powerful stories and presenting them in word and photographic form .

With their permission , they are to be displayed at The Lyric Theatre , and also on Instagram .

So please , please look at Portraits of Grit

https://www.instagram.com/portraitsofgrit/?hl=en

as it is a project very close to my heart and one , of which I am very proud.

You got it

Correct !
All new accepted Scrabble words – time to buy a new dictionary ( or cheat ?)

???

Today’s brain gym:-

What do all these words have in common ?

OK

zen

yowza

dox

ew

ze

I always sing ‘Lose Somebody’ – makes me cry a bit harder and stops me from punching the wall

I have a dear friend Jayne , we are in the cliche of a club that no-one wants to be a member of . I say cliche because it’s used for groups of people , experiencing every different kind of bad stuff . Everyone thinks theirs is the worst .

Anyway ,Jayne’s daughter, Emma , died a couple of years before Rosie .She was a similar age to Rosie and she contracted the same god awful infection . Jayne and I are close , we share stuff . We laugh and cry and walk and eat but disagree on …..omens .
Jayne is a big believer in omens , I’m not .

Then today this happened , I was driving home listening to the dreadful Jeremy Vine and his interesting guest , Emily Dean . They were talking about grief .Well she was talking about the death of her sister ,Rachael , closely followed by the death of her Mum and Dad . Jeremy was just interrupting. Emily has written a book ‘Everybody Died, So I Got a Dog’

The interview ended and the silence was broken by Kings of Leon ‘s ‘Use Somebody’

Maybe Jayne has a point

Thinking of you ,the amazing IP

A big thumbs up to Izzy P who is running The London Marathon today for Stonewall .
I have no doubt thatRosie is right there behind you ,giving you a gentle push every step of the way .
Or knowing her , it would a huge shove and a big guffaw .

A Scottish Easter

It was a case of Easter Bunny meets DIY SOS …just back from a fab week in Glasgow and it was being in a film set of ‘Wild Rose’ – but without the singing , the prison and the posh house . However ,line dancing was on the menu.

I’ve learnt a lot – mainly ………

The staff at Toolstation are very friendly and helpful.

There are lots of different sorts of protective masks and gloves and when you wear them , you can’t see a thing ( steam ) , you can’t hear a thing ( hearing aids get dis-lodged and are rendered useless ) and your temperature rises so much you have to escape to Lidls with the excuse of making lunch for the team.

Queen’s Park Cafe serves the best vanilla ice-cream

Monopoly Shuffle is addictive

When you get a king-sized super-soaker held up to your face by a 6 year old boy , it is best to smile and salute him .

Even though it’s hot and you think you’ll go in the sea , faced with the waves on Portobello Beach , Edinburgh , you don’t even take your cardie off..

That our car with the bike rack on the top just fits under the 1.8m height barrier at the council tip ( for those who don’t know , I once got the school mini-bus jammed under the ones at Westway Cross)

That if you go to the council tip ofter enough , wearing clothes , trainers and an overall covered in s***e , a member of the public will ask if you work there

Rishi’s does the best South indian food outside of Southern India – kicking off with a 3 foot Dosai !

I love my family so much ,it hurts to say goodbye.

I think she’d just seen them in concert

It came at me out of the page, slapped me in the face, broke another piece off my heart and then got jumbled up with all the other concert ads.
Talk about,mind the bloody gap.
And it was just an advert for Hot Chip and all I could see was Rosie dancing round the kitchen to ‘ I was a boy from school ‘.

Every little helps

EU citizens living in the UK can vote in the EU elections so please make sure friends and colleagues register.

https:/www.gov.uk/register-to-vote

Easter Hols

2 weddings and a family gathering and another good-bye and a trip to Walberswick .

Then later today ,another good-bye and a welcome to my brother who i haven’t seen for a couple of years

Synopsis:-

Wedding 1 – Tim and Amanda…..The Cotswolds . Beautiful , happy , amazing speeches , too many Negronis, line dancing ( not to be advised after too many Negronis ) , fire-pits, roast beef etc. Felt very spoilt and privileged to be there

Wedding 2- Dad and Godmother …. conducted by The Catholic Priest and attended by Claire, Martin ,Daniel who’s deaf ,A bisexual Syrian refugee friend and of course ,Fleabag .

I’m emotionally wiped out after watching that – just brilliant .

Family Gathering – Jacob and Florence and a big full English

Walberswick – staying with my friend, SA . The Anchor is booked for supper

First goodbye- Florence , at king’s Cross with the heaviest suitcase in the world , and a 6 hour train ride to Glasgow ( half the time it takes to fly back from Japan – how weird is that ?)

Second goodbye – Jacob , ,Boston manor , small rucksack and a 50min flight to dam , where KLM still give you a drink and a scooby-snack.

Then …..Richard and Lise are in town , so I’ve dusted off my Ottolenghi !

The return of The P.D.

As I type my Bambino is in the skies ,halfway between Tokyo and LHR .
Cannee wait to see her – 3 months is the longest i’ve ever gone without seeing her lovely face

I live in hope

Mothering Sunday and ………
I’ve had little video messages from Florence in Nagano ,Japan and from Jacob in Amsterdam
St Paul’s Church ,where Rosie’s funeral was , gave me a grape hyacinth plant …and because that is the colour of Rosie’s bedroom walls ,I’ll take it as a sign …………

Max Porter talks sense

I’m not going to see it , ironically ,it sounds too dark . but anything with ‘grief’ in the title , has got me and I just have to read it .
As we know there is no miracle cure , you grieve because you love someone and they are gone forever . What is that famous quote ‘ grief is the price you pay for love ‘ ?

So last night i read the review of the play ‘Grief is The Thing With Feathers’. Cillian Murphy plays a bereaved father of 2 and his troubling alter ego Crow .

But according to the author,Max Porter, ”grief is a long term project.The pain it thrusts into our hearts can’t be quickly fixed…..”

new photos

Lovely ( international ) photos Darren – thank you

San Clemente, Copenhagen and Morocco ( I think ) .

Makes us sound like The Kardashians , which we weren’t , but I’m so glad we visited all those wonderful places and have such happy memories .

The best bits in my life now , are when we’re all together having an adventure , be it on a little boat in Dam or in the mud in Scotland . Look out the Wadden Sea – for that is where we’re we are heading next , with Rosie holding our hands and pounding in our hearts, at all times .

— so they don’t feel like some asshole from TV has it all together

I should be on THE march , but I’m not cos I’m a wimp who can’t stand crowds and so now I feel guilty and so I’m re-reading this article .

I love Catastrophe and I love Sharon Horgan and I love Rob Delaney and now I love him more because he too has a broken heart and he has spoken out about looking ‘normal ‘ when inside he’s a huge mess of sadness ( my words and feelings ,not his ) .

So when you’ve signed THE petition ,washed your smalls , cut out Feast’s Ottolenghi recipes , or whatever it is you do on a Saturday ….read this –

Rob Delaney says he is still “a mess” after the death of his two-year-old son Henry and that coping with the loss is a “life-time work in progress”.

The toddler died from a brain tumour in January last year.

US actor and writer Delaney, who lives in London, said: “I’m a mess. My child died 14 months ago and I’m basically a bag of wet rubbish. I need a lot of help. It has been very hard. It comes in waves. I’ve learned to not control how the waves come. Right now I’m sad a lot.

“The reason I’m being honest with you and not trying to impress you, and make you think I’m cool or that I’m a tough guy, or maybe working through loss in an inspiring way, is that I have found that if a bereaved parent or bereaved sibling reads this, I want them to know that it’s okay that they feel terrible, sad, confused and so brutally humbled.

“I’ve been sad and angry and I am telling you that just in case somebody else who has suffered a terrible loss reads this — so they don’t feel like some asshole from TV has it all together. I am a life-time work in progress.”

Delaney, 42, was speaking at the Rainbow Trust’s annual fundraiser Trust In Fashion. The charity supports families with seriously ill children. He said: “We were at Great Ormond Street Hospital for seven months, and then we were at our local hospital for seven months, and then we were home with Henry for seven months, and then he died. It would have been towards the end of our Great Ormond Street stay that we would have been hooked up with Rainbow Trust. The care worker assigned to us was a woman named Fiona who was just amazing, and remains so. She still comes and visits us sometimes.

“At that point we didn’t know Henry was going to die. We knew he was disabled by his tumour and his surgery. Fiona was like a paratrooper who just drops in and has the skill set to help people in unbelievable pain and fear.”

Delaney — who has three other sons with wife Leah — was writing the final series of Channel 4 sitcom Catastrophe when Henry died. He said: “I wanted my kids to see me work … I just wanted to project normalcy in an effort to maybe one day feel normal again.”

Happy Holi

There’s no better time to be an art teacher than when you’re celebrating Holi Day …..

a celebration of happiness with paint , water , bodily fluids ( that’s not a Hindu thing , more an Hanwell one ) and shed loads of exuberance .

We all went home covered in it .

The residency explained

I went onto the website and used Google Translate to e text into English

”ait_npo

アーティストFlorence Dwyerの、有田で制作した作品の一部。(左端の陶器の動物の作品除く)

明日20日の夜のトークイベントでも会場の古民家スペースに展示します。’制作の思考や滞在のエピソードをぜひ聞きにいらしてください。”……..

And this is what got ……………………”.Ait _ npo ātisuto Florence Dwyer no, Arita de seisaku shita sakuhin no ichibu. (Satan no tōki no dōbutsu no sakuhin nozoku) ashita 20-nichi no yoru no tōkuibento demo kaijō no ko minka supēsu ni tenji shimasu. Seisaku no shikō ya taizai no episōdo o zehi kiki ni ira shite kudasai.”

Wish I was there …..

Sorry for the short notice …but if you’re around at tomorrow at 7pm ,pop down to The Old Huis in Tokyo where Florence is presenting some of her beautiful work in progress and speaking about porcelain and perfume bottles .

If you catch the 20.05 from Heathrow, you might just make it .

More info at @ait_npo

Sooooooo proud it hurts .

An email from Radio 4

Just in case you haven’t had enough of us …………

”Just confirming that The Listening Project – a repeat of your conversation will go out tomorrow, at 11am and 9pm, on Radio 4 Extra.

Thank you again for letting me use your conversations.

Very best wishes, Ali”

beware The Ides of March

This week in politics- too depressing , too worrying and too much of The bloody DUP holding power in their hands , so let us move on to …

Rachel’s week in stuff

Red Nose Day at work – I wore my only item of red clothing in my wardrobe- a red cashmere jumper from a charity shop in Glasgow, price-10 quid .What I discovered – I was too hot .A lot of ASD students like the feel of cashmere. When you introduce red glittery finger paint to a certain young person , they like to add their spit to it and get it as far up the sleeves of thus mentioned cashmere jumper as they can .

Standing at the E8 bus-stop in the middle of Storm Nadia ( Bake Off influence?), a young twenty something girl approached me , opened her carrier bag and said ”would you like some chocolate?” I obviously do not look like I need any chocolate and so I did the typically British thing and said ”no-thank you ”, thinking I was about to be scammed or signed up to something for life . she repeated her question to my fellow bus queuers and they said more or less the same . She looked a bit crestfallen . Then I took time to think and asked her why she was offering people bars of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk – to which she replied ”I’m carrying out 40 acts of kindness in Lent and so I’m giving away 40 bars of chocolate”- so we all said , how kind , thank-you very much , and took one .

I turned 61, nuff said .

Serves me right

I was hoping to be taken up The Shangi La over the weekend . But an Italian airport strike put paid to that .

One of our students dad’s was to be staying there while on business in London , but his plane never left Milan , so he never made it to The Shard .

All week I’ve been hinting about how I’d love to go to the bar /pool/restaurant .What a bloody waste of time .

I’ve made Louey cut my hair differently

I’ve only just felt calm enough to put this down on paper …..

but a few weeks ago ,I was doing my daily ‘post-work- Sainsbury’s-top-up-shop’, and as usual I got chatting to one of the lovely people on the check-out .

Because I’m in there so often ,I know them all and we normally discuss what we’re having for supper/ crap TV ? how long left in their shift etc . This time Nishi says to be ….”I’ve been meaning to tell you for sometime- you remind me of someone” ……..I get a bit puffed up , and am thinking Mama Cass / Bella Emberg/ Beyonce etc , when she proudly and loudly says …”My hero- Theresa May”. At which point I burst into tears ,went and got a bottle of gin and told her we’d agree to differ on politics

My same lovely Sainsbury’s check-out lady said to me last night ‘are you an artist or just really bad at doing your nails ?’ Made me laarf.

My cousin Sonia

My Dad , Geoffrey, was the 3rd of 4 children .About 70 years ago , his eldest brother ,Anthony , emigrated to New Zealand , married Laura , and had 4 girls – Sonia, Elaine, Christine and Pamela- my cousins .

This summer , Cousin Sonia is coming to London , and we’ve been emailing mainly about practical stuff and then it moved on to personal stuff and today I received this …..

Dear Rachel,

I have some idea of your grief over Rosie. It is 30+ years since we lost our Andrew, to viral Myocarditis. It was so sudden and unexpected, but I was able to do CPR, and get help. Sadly after 10 days we had to let him go. This time was social, as it gave us all time to adjust to the inevitable and be together. You never forget, and always there are ‘what ifs and if only ‘. But you cannot put the clock back! Even after all those years I write this with tears running down my face.. I have a box, with mementos, and as I go throug stored boxes and papers etc I still find more to add to Andrews box.

Much love

Sonia

Sunday afternoon at 106

After 2 late nights yahooing ( and a few tears ) , then meeting ,greeting and orienteering 3 Italian students ,I was pooped and so yesterday afternoon I binge watched ‘The Great British Sewing Bee’ .I don’t even like sewing . I was thrown out of The Brownies for protesting too loudly about Brown Owl wanting us to make something every week , when all I wanted to do was dance around the toadstool with my six ,The Imps. I was then thrown out of The Guides for not going to church . Secretly I think Grandma was quite proud ..

But up there , above my dislike of sewing , is my hatred of ironing .Now I loathe that – I don’t even like to see someone else iron . I can’t bear the smell of it , the look of it , the dry sound of it .The touch of that taut starchy cover ( even worse when we had a metallic one ) . About 4x a year John irons a shirt , it’s like a covert operation .He takes the ironing board in another room and shuts the door .It’s weird , but I think I’ve worked out why …… when I was in junior school my mum worked nights .Dad and I would take her to work at 8pm and she would return the next morning just before I left for school . I would return from school , bursting with stuff to tell her , and in my mind ,nine times out of ten , she’d be ironing with the Radio 4 play on and a fag in her hand …now I can’t ever listen to a Radio 4 play and I dislike smoking . Not quite neglect ,but it used to hack me off !

Anyway ,I’ve fallen in love with ‘Sewing Bee’ , but it is top-trumped by the best programme of the week ‘Sky Arts Portrait Artist of the year ‘ – it’s like an hour of heaven , even though the judges have got it wrong twice this series .

….’The Great Pottery Throw-down’ comes pretty close

Now I’m really nervous about the first coat

I’ve done something I’ve never done before .

Nothing grand like climbing a mountain or abseiling down The Shard , but creating a ‘mood-board ‘ ( which doesn’t consist of grumpy , not so grumpy , hyper , etc ) .

While Johnnie’s being doing the hard yards- laying tiles, fitting units, plumbing in sinks etc , I’ve been fannying around with fifty shades of blue . I now have a palette ( 49 shades ) , so off i toddle to the paint shop where you take your posh- colour chart and they mix the cheap variety. The person who served me told me her name was Etna , and she told me I’d remember it , as she erupts just ,like a volcano ! Then between our cornflower /duck egg /ultramarine discussion , she proceeded to fill me in on her medical history . There were lots of mentions of stents, kidneys , drips, pain and 3 types of sepsis . I think Etna was a bit shocked , when I just pointed at ‘that one ‘ and left the shop in tears .

i hope I don’t sound like I’m standing on a moral high-ground, but Reid’s words are a good grounding block for me

My sister , Jane ,pops in and out of my head all the time .

She taught me a lot . Made me howl with laughter , made me be the whole of The Von Trapp Family singers / a convent in Austria /a goat-herd , tested my patience and I believe is the reason ( for a fat lump that I am ) that I have so much energy .

When someone cannot move , let alone scratch their nose , tweek their toes , stop that bee from buzzing round their head …you learn a) to listen to the intercom b) NEVER say you feel tired c) try and make their life as positive experience as it can possibly be .

Anyway , why I’m talking about Jane is because I read a review of Melanie Reid’s memoir ‘The World I fell Out Of ‘. Like Jane, she is tetraplegic as a result of a riding accident – which in fact is unlike Jane, who never went on a horse in her life ,but was Achondroplasiac ,and if that wasn’t hard enough developed Syringomyelia, a rare disorder in which a fluid-filled cyst formed within her spinal cord rendering her paralysed from the chin down . How bloody awful.

I’ve followed Melanie’s columns in The Times .She is very honest and tells us that ‘ paralysis takes it’s victims hostage until they feel little more than vacuum-packed lumps of flesh,inert and helpless within their own bodies’ . Jane used to describe her body as being ‘trapped in a suit of armour that is 2 sizes too small’ .It used to break my heart .

Melanie says her book is a plea to those living with well-functioning bodies to be aware of what they have .To love themselves and relish their ability to dance, run , go to the lavatory without help. With serious disability can come wisdom and perspective,and Reid passionately urges fellow women to set aside their self-loathing and get out there and live

can you spot the flamingoes in the background ?

A new 21st of the month so new photos .Thank-you Darren .

This has never happened before , but I didn’t think the girl on the left of the first photo was Rosie . To me ,it doesn’t look like her , I don’t recognise the hat . Florence and John have both confirmed it is her . So apologies Rosie ( you do know I talk to her )

Anyway back to the photos .The first one was with the Moakes girls aboard a Dragoman truck on the banks of Lake Nakuru – best best best holiday ever

The second is with Neelam , I think in NYC on The Drayton school trip . Funnily enough when I saw it ,I thought I must tell Neelam she’s on tinternet , and who should I bump into in Osterley Park today , but the very girl and she’s as lovely as she looks on that photo ..Next we have Rosie and Izzy Pickles , in our kitchen, wearing an assortment of dressing up clothes ( never quite grew out of it !) .Then finally it’s with Jacob ,in I think , the bedroom of The Anchor ,Walberswick .

Now I’ve seen them , I want her back even more .

It’s bloody bloody wrong

The story gets a bit sadder

A friend (who tweets ) sent me this ……

What you may not have heard is NASA’s last words TO Opportunity: as a final transmission to the rover, they played Billie Holiday’s “I’ll Be Seeing You.”

I’ll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day and through
In that small cafe
The park across the way
The children’s carousel
The chestnut trees
The wishing well

I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summer’s day
In everything that’s light and gay
I’ll always think of you that way

I’ll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I’ll be looking at the moon
But I’ll be seeing you

I’ll be seeing you
In every…

That’s really made me cry

NASA has now not heard from the golf buggy-sized rover for eight months now.

I hope I’m not heartless, but I do struggle when people tell me how sad they are as ‘their 97 year old granny has just died ‘ ( or similar ) .I feel that poor granny had to go sometime, she’d had a good innings and I really hope she had a good death and didn’t suffer .

I think the worst personal case of this was in 2009 when a friend phoned me and apologised that she was a bit weepy today as Elvis had just died . Elvis wasn’t all shook up , but her 89year old Dad’s cat .I don’t think I’ve spoken to her since .

So then why when I hear the last word’s of Opportunity’s last words to NASA were “my battery is low and it’s getting dark.” I felt really sad ?This is a robot for God’s sake – who cares about a robot ( well a lot of people actually ) . So then I think about it and maybe it is because – the words are beautiful , mournful ,honest and in my head I can tragically hear my loved one saying or thinking them .And it makes me very sad .

Don’t be fooled by the opening 3 words- quick and cheap

The headline hit me like a steam train and of course I’m happy …but then I’m not .

I’m so selfishly sad that it’s too late and it brings back so many painful memories . Things that I’ve never shared with anyone – maybe just one out of the 11 counsellors I’ve seen over the years ( but that’s another story ) . But things that are so overwhelmingly powerful, I’ve moved them to a part of my brain ,I call ????.In fact I don’t have a name for it , cos I’m just not that clever and even thinking of a name for it hurts .

so here we go ….

”Quick and cheap test for deadly sepsis could save thousands of lives’. ”

At least she got something right

26.10.16
The 7 brilliant arguments Theresa May once made against Brexit

Just in case you missed them.

1. There’s no such thing as total sovereignty

2. It’s safer to Remain

3. Rules are better than no rules

4. It could break up the UK

5. Brexit endangers Britain’s financial services industry

6. Negotiating trade deals won’t be easy

7. Nor is staying in the single market

We stayed on a lovely little houseboat

Just back from a fabulous mini-break in Dam , and for the first time ,after 6 years of visiting at least twice a year ,we visited The Rijksmuseum.

Previously we’ve walked past it , sailed past it , motored past it , walked through it , played boules on Museumplein behind it , taken photos on the now defunct IAMSTERDAM- in fact everything ,but go in it .
So on Tuesday we did ……only to find out the BIG exhibition ‘All the Rembrants’ starts tomorrow .Still it gave us more time to eat kibbling and drink one too many Iijndejaars- which at 9% ,wasn’t a wise move , when you have a plane to catch the next day .

A liile bit of peace in this mad world

This is a Mass for the repose of the soul of Rosie Dwyer.

Ten words you never want to hear – but ten times we have .

Thank you Anne for organising and to our dear friends who came and supported us .

It is beautiful , serene , a bit daunting and for me , a time to take Rosie and nothing else into my head for half an hour.

He named more wild birds and animals than I’ve had hot dinners

You can’t tell a book by it’s cover ,a sausage by it’s skin , a Soupy Guest by their facial tattoos…. or so the sayings go .

The best bit at Soupy for me is the chat – with everyone …guests, volunteers , people that drop stuff off . But on Sunday it was a bit different – gentler ,calmer, dam good bread donated by Pitshanger Bakery , loads of grated cheese , beans ,potatoes , spare seats , a steady trickle of people coming and going and no argy bargy .So ,in other words , lots of time to talk .

So now I go back to my first line …

Long term guest ( and one of my favourites ) T , introduces me to B .They share a dependancy on alcohol and also on drugs – but the drugs are not recreational , they are for control of their epilepsy .But the drugs don’t work ,because ( and I think this is what they said- don’t quote me on this ) the alcohol does something to the liver which then stops the effectiveness of the drugs . And so they have seizures and end up in hospital .They weren’t moaning , just telling me how it is . Then T leaves and B and I continue our conversation . He tells me about his life in Ireland ,London in the army ,in action .He tells me he has been shot and has a violent temper and in order to curb his temper ,he self-harms and then he shows me his scars . Then for some reason we get onto the subject of nature and it’s benefits .He often gets up early and sits by the canal , if things are bad he walks The Grand Union to Birmingham , it takes him 3 days and he knows where to shelter .Then he tells me he writes poetry and could he tell me one of his poems .It was so beautiful ,I had the wind blown out of my sails . (I’m not sure what he thought of the moment as just as we arrived at Soupy one of my hearing-aid batteries died so I was only on fifty percent audio hook-up , so he might have feared me invading his personal space ). I suggested he wrote his poems down , which he thought was a silly idea .So I said you would expect an artist to carry a sketch-book and a pencil , well this is the same thing . So next time I go ,I’m going to put a little Muji red notebook in my pocket , just in case he’s there

No 3 , too much

In between a morning with Alice and an afternoon at Soupy ,I listened to Bob Mortimers’ Desert Island Discs .

I’ve just about picked myself up off the floor .

Why ? …you might ask ….

1.Talking about the sudden death of his Father , when he was just 7 .He said

”It kind of defined my personality.I think it’s just as simple as when something so precious is taken away from you, you can feel very insecure .I think they call it ‘compulsive helping’.Just to make sure people aren’t going to abandon you – you make them really rely on you.”

2. He chose the song ‘Some Fantastic Place’ .The hope being that after you are dead you might be able to meet up with your loved ones in some way

3. His final song -King of the Rodeo by Kings of Leon …….Which was the final song in Rosie’s Funeral Service

***and the gravy

It’s weird , I feel a bit guilty if I don’t write on Rosie’s website .But I’ve come to the point I feel what I say is boring .When I write about grief ,I’ve said it before .When I write about me ,I’m in danger of narcissistic , When I write about art ,I don’t really know what I’m talking about , and when I write about stuff ,it’s just stuff .

So I’m just going to do a bit of brain gym ( or as my colleague ,Paul , calls it – a brain dump ) and say whatever comes into my head –

‘Call the Midwife’ and ‘The Favourite’ – both fab and both about women who are screwed up as their child died ( 17 in the case of Queen Anne ) ……and I said i wouldn’t write about grief .

The visit to The House of Commons was exciting and beautiful and I was proud to be in invited .Big it up for ‘The Cultural Inclusion Manifesto’………….

Having Sunday lunch with Alice and her family was a treat .

Cliveden with C&B was a down dale up hill beaut of a walk followed by the best proper ( pastry underneath and on top ) steak pie and chips ever .Thumbs up to the pub waiter who bought us 2 extra boats of home-made gravy .

My 60th birthday magical mystery tour on Saturday was to Kettle’s Yard ,Cambridge . What a house and gallery .I’m inspired .I’m looking at 106 in a different light .Should I hang pictures below the Dado rail ?

I don’t want to walk on my kitchen tiles -they are so beautiful .

I’m worried my steak pie might make a reappearance during Zumba tonight ****

Art for ALL

I hope tonight , walking down the corridors of power ( joke ) , that is The House of Commons , I don’t bump into Theresa, Jacob,Michael or Boris – to name but a few .

That is a pretty unsubtle way of saying ,I’ve been invited to a Cultural Inclusion Manifesto event by the Labour MP ,Sharon Hodgson .

I’m quite chuffed

I’m not bothering with the cossie

Emily Grace is one today – a big fat happy Birthday to such a joyous little bundle of love .

My thermals are packed and I’m heading east ( like the wise men or was it the star ?) to the coast for the weekend , meanwhile , John the carpenter fits more of our kitchen

It’s just like an out of kilter nativity

Here’s the link …

https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/AttractionProductReview-g186338-d15563579-West_End_Musical_Silent_Disco_Walking_Tour-London_England.html?m=19905

rachey_bake was on our tour ……

Ouch Andrea – I think it would be better if both arms worked , especially for The Time Warp !

The public loved us !

Thank you Sarah for inviting me along on The Silent Disco London walking Tour of the Musicals – what a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon .

If you don’t mind following the leader , learning new routines, belting out songs and doing The Timewarp in a public thoroughfare just off Leicester Square , this is for you .

It was a headphone wearing , dancing , singing , make an arse of yourself ball of fun .

楽しむ

Last night ,just as my Bambino was boarding flight BA4600 from Heathrow to Tokyo , a drone was seen to be hovering above the runway and all flights were halted …

but the good news is , hers took off …and landed and she’s there and it’s all very exciting and I’m very proud

What a mess

I know it’s TV and there’s artistic licence and all that , but after watching last night’s ‘Brexit:The Uncivil War’, I was all of a lather .

The manipulation , the spin , the lies, the arrogance , the power struggle and the secret nuclear weapon ( not literally ) that is AggregateIQ…. didn’t make for a good night’s sleep , or worryingly , future .

06.01.09

10 years ago I said my final , long , heart-wrenching , gut-aching , desperate good-bye to Rosie .

I could write loads ,but when your heart is broken ,your energy vaporises with it ,

so I’ll leave you with the quote of quotes which sums up a place I hope you never have to visit

“…Time does not heal,
It makes a half-stitched scar
That can be broken and again you feel
Grief as total as in its first hour.
-Elizabeth Jennings”

2019- woop woop

I last said ‘Happy New Year ‘ , and meant it on 31.12 07 .

So forgive me for not saying it – it means nothing and is stupid .
Those I love and care for know I love/care for them and know I hope for peace , safety , and joy in their lives and that I am walking with them / rooting for them / would do anything for them .

So I’ll stick the platitudes where the sun don’t shine .

I feel a bit of responsibility to show people what grief looks like

It’s not often I read something that hits me like a scene out of batman- POW! ,AIEEE!,THWAKE! But yesterday I did .

For those interested ,it was page 8 of The Sunday Times supplement and was entitled ”I feel a responsibility to see what grief looks like” .A Decca Aitkenhead interview with Rob Delaney -stand up comedian and writer and star of the sitcom Catastrophe. Sarah and I went to see him live in 2016 and he was pants – all is now forgiven .His son ,Henry was dying after being diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour .

Like his humour , he is blunt , direct , honest and so much of what he said resonated with me and made me feel much less of a failure/ sad lonely person / bitter ,twisted old bag .If the truth be known , I do not think I am bitter twisted person , but the so-called friends I have tried to talk to about their lack of understanding , have spun my honesty so much , they have thrown these doubts back into my face . It’s very easy to say ”I can’t get anything right , therefore I’ll stay away ” , as opposed to ” I miss you , I care for you .How can I help ? What can we change ?” Ho hum , I don’t know why I bother saying this , It’s got me no -where . But actually ,yes it has – even more excluded .

Anyway I digress , back to Rob and his wisdom .

And before he starts , he explains to Decca Aitkenhead ( who has had her own fair share of tragedy ) , that he is going to speak very slowly and once he hears of her grief and illness, he visibly relaxes ”I didn’t know i was talking to someone who got it.I was trying to gauge if i was talking to someone I could trust ? i feel more comfortable now.I really prefer to talk to people who’ve had terrible things happen to them .”

When asked how he is , he tells them ”My heart hurts OK ? I’m a balloon that is filled almost to the point of bursting, and when you bring up my dead son, it’s like you’ve let a little out .It’s like a gift .”

Are people ready to hear that answer? ” Not everybody, but I don’t care. I’m an ambassador from the f*****g other side now , and I feel a bit of responsibility, being in the public eye, to show people what grief looks like.It’s just so weird to me how we deny grief , how we shut it out ”

Misapprehensions about how to comfort a grieving parent never cease to bewilder Delaney When he told one of Henry’s carers that the tumour had returned and nothing could be done, ” she started screaming ,’Oh, Jesus Christ, oh Jesus Christ ‘, over and over . And it felt for me like getting into a jacuzzi. Because i was like, yes , that’s what it f*****g feels like. Thank you .It’s so refreshing to hear that ,rather than some platitude bullshit. Scream jesus Christ again , and you scratch the surface of what we’re feeling in this family right now .”

It has, though left Delaney feeling exiled from normality , unbridgeably distanced from other families. ”Yes, we live on a lunar outpost now. Except on this lunar outpost, there are other ( bereaved ) parents. There are good people here ,but we are different

It stays in it’s cardboard til Christmas morning

Every Christmas John gives me a beautiful present . A calendar of Rosie .

Every month , there are 1 or more photos of her – many I have moved to the safe part of my brain , as I can’t bear to look at them .When I first look at the calendar I turn each page over in trepidation . Even though I have seen the photos before , I am quite shocked and overwhelmed and a little bit more breaks of my heart . .Because I’m so moved , I look at it through spread fingers in order to protect myself .

But this year was different – I was rendered speechless , dumbfounded and mildly hysterical . Because there she was …on a horse / beside a horse/ patting a horse / getting medals for something she’s done on a horse , plus 8 other horse related poses. But after I’d put my fingers down and looked properly , I realised it wasn’t her but a 9year old girl looking rather like the lead in the musical ‘Annie’ .

Then I really was hysterical….especially to think , that somewhere in the world ,Annie’s family are probably looking at pictures of my Rosie !

Photobox had sent the wrong one

It hangs on our landing

‘That picture’

You will never know how much hassle that picture gave me .The one that Rosie is sat in front of . She painted it for her Art A’level .It was a 10 hour piece . When it was finished , it came home . It sat in our back garden .It got wet .It warped . Then about 5 weeks after taking residence against our fence , she phoned me at work .She was in a state and a panic and told me we ( she ) have a problem .The external adjudicators were in her school and they need to see her piece . Apparently her art teacher had said she could only bring it home if she was prepared to bring it back to school at short notice – she’d failed to tell me this .

So suddenly her problem ( she was out , not even at home when the school had rung her ) became my problem . I ran to my Head-teacher and asked if I could borrow a school mini-bus ( the picture was too big to fit in the car ) .I waited til my students had left , jumped in the van and drove home . The picture was so heavy I asked my next door neighbour to help me lift the dam thing into the van .I then drove it to Drayton Manor High School , and asked for more help to get it out .It was about 82degrees outside and I was in a lather , but the deed was done , the adjudicator. could adjudicate !

When she got home , I told her what I had done and to this day ,I don’t think she’ll ever know what I had gone through .

I’d give my soul to do it again tomorrow

The most beautiful book in the world

It’s not written in tablets of stone , but at some point , usually the 22nd ,Rosies’ friends come round for supper .

It’s a very loosely , open to interpretation , themed affair . Last night’s was ‘Carry on Camping ‘ , due to us not having a kitchen ( another story ) . Everyone brings a very creative dish . I feel Stu’s ‘chocco slab fluff desert ‘ won a lot of prizes for originality and the classy coc of choice was a good old ,Margherita. We saw the night off with a flagon of Somerset cider called ‘Old Rosie ‘ . Games were played ….Mafia and the Bowl Game . Joe turned up at 12.30 and Holly and Ryan were persuaded to stay the night .

In the past we’ve talked about Rosie , little stories, memories and although we’ve never actually come out and said it , we are all together for her , because we love her .

But last night was different. in her memory The SOC had made a book

‘Rosie

Paces

Objects

Stories’

It was a complete , wonderful and breath-taking surprise .My words cannot do justice to it . It is beautiful and sad and funny and poignant and on every page there is a specific memory of Rosie , accompanied by a photo .

Let me read you the introduction

”We’ve all been thinking about this year ;how is it that ten years have come and gone How so much has happened and yet how quickly time has passed .Wondering how things might have happened differently and how you know some things would have happened exactly as they did, but with Rosie also there. This is a collection of places, objects and stories that over 40 friends shared with us when asked to think about their lives with Rosie, then and now. Some are old memories , some are new, but every one of them shoes how Rosie is still with all of us ”.

I cannot thank Holly, Laura ,Izzy P. Ryan ,Stu and any other of the collaborators enough – it really is the most beautiful book- I will treasure it always .

And also thanks to Maisie, Georgina,Madeleine, Lisa, Alex ,Ruby , Micheal, Alison, Amie, Emma, Anna, Neelam, Freddie, Amy Tom , Bethany ,Laura, Helen C, Danielle, Laura W, Tariq, Matt ,Charlotte, Nikki, Samara, helen M , Joe, Natalie, Helenka, Katie, Anna D,Fiona, Adam , Anna S, Manpreet , Leo, Liberty and Kate

21.12.18

Ten bloody years and we all miss her so very very much .

I have a lot to write ,but no energy to do it .Being sad is exhausting ……
but we had a lovely day – a walk to The Isis, The Serpentine ( I did NOT like the flies ) and Sackler Galleries , afternoon tea in the beautiful V&A cafe , beer in the micro-brewery and a Thai feast .All Rosie’s favourites

So just a quick than-you to all those who sent flowers, donations, gifts and messages .They mean a lot

keep calm and carry on

Some of the great mysteries of ( my) life …..

Why did ‘First Dates ‘ allow a drunk guy to carry on with the date ? It just wasn’t fair on his dinner companion .

Why did Alan Sugar let Daniel get to the quarter finals , knowing he wouldn’t endorse his business plan ?

Why can’t I get Sally4ever on Auntie Grace’s ( now ours ) TV ?

and I’m not even going to bother asking the big , bloody awful blinding one about Rosie dying on December 21st 2008. Because I’ve learnt it’s a stupid question , with a ‘why not ?’ as an answer

I’d love to go back and explore some more

We couldn’t have been in a more beautiful place than The Isle Skye to celebrate Rosie’s 29th birthday .
To be honest I’m a bit overwhelmed with feelings for her at the moment , so putting pen to paper is extra tricky – so I just won’t bother and go out and eat some Korean food instead .
Back to the old manta- do nice things with kind people .Always helps.

I love her more than ever

Tomorrow we’re going Over the Sea to Skye after we’ve hooked up in Inverness via Heathrow, Schipol, and Glasgow Queen’s Street .

It’s Rosie’s 29th Birthday on Sunday and I’m so glad we can walk, talk ,relax and dig deep together . Being together is pure joy to me . I feel Rosie is with us and I feel safe – nuff said .

I’d never read the words of this song before , but they are relevant and sad aren’t they ?

Sing me a song of a lad that is gone,
Say, could that lad be I?
Merry of soul, he sailed on a day
Over the sea to Skye

Mull was astern, Rum was on port,
Eigg on the starboard bow.
Glory of youth glowed in his soul,
Where is that glory now?

Give me again all that was there,
Give me the sun that shone.
Give me the eyes, give me the soul,
Give me the lad that’s gone.

Billow and breeze, islands and seas,
Mountains of rain and sun;
All that was good, all that was fair,
All that was me is gone.

Jolly japes in the basement

I can’t think of a better way of spending my morning off , then bonding with 23 strangers in a windowless room of The Crowne Plaza Hotel ,Hanger Lane .

We all had to turn our phones off , not mention the names of anyone who attended and weren’t allowed out until it was over in 4 hours .

Like everyone else I had paid £92 and got nil points ( the reason we were all there ) and yes it was the day of my Speed Awareness Course maybe ,because of my shrinking world ,I quite enjoyed it .There were nice people , loads of banter , respect , facts , interaction , very witty presenters and a lot of talk about streetlights ( VERY significant in regards to speed limits) and we’re all trying our damnedest not to have to go again .

Ditto

Anyone see First dates last week ?
I love it and think the researchers do a dam good job .
Last week a 62 year old teacher meets 64 year old man – he has a dodgy heart , she has arthritis , they both have diabetes .He orders champagne , they get on well and talk and laugh .He asks her if she has children , she has – a daughter who died aged 28 and her name – Rosie .
I needed something stronger than the champagne after that .

You never know what’s coming next….

We went to see ‘Widows’ .

It was good, although I think I’m pretty thick /shallow/weird as I preferred Bohemian Rhapsody – maybe I just like songs .

Anyway ,it was all going fine until-
spoiler alert – do not read on if you haven’t seen it

we discovered the character Veronica Rawlings , played brilliantly by Viola Davis ,is a bereaved mother – her son Marcus was 19 when he died .On his gravestone was inscribed ….1989-2008 .I found it hard to engage after that
But today Dec ,Dottie and I have packed our buckets and spades and are off to catch crabs in Walberswick . Apparently they sell puddings in the village hall on a Sunday – what’s not to love ?

Only one unaccounted for

Instead of guessing ,I asked Laura where the photos were from ……
”The first photo is us in the scorching heat waiting for a bus to take us to Benicassim. Then it’s us in an Elthorne classroom smothering Amie Woodgate. And on the blog page we have a drunken night in at the Maynards’ and a shot of me, Rosie and Ryan at Benicassim.”

For Tony and Rosie

Over the weekend I went walking with my pal Mary .

Once she’d picked herself up of the floor in shock of me telling her I got a seven letter Scrabble word ‘ quashed ‘ ( and it was on triple letter and double word – 94 points ,thank you very much ) on Friday night ,we carried on walking and came across a bench with these words inscribed on it

”If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever” .

So we sat down and had a little weep.

“I’m a shooting star leaping through the skies. Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity”

By the time you’ve read this you’ve missed it – sorry .

On Sunday and Monday I felt proud and happy and on Thursday I was blessed once again to feel proud and happy – not twice but thrice p.a.h.f. in one week is more than just a Brucie bonus .

On Thursday Jacob’s film was screened on the open Screenings event at The Whitechapel Gallery .A great space , 6 very diverse films ,lovely people , post-viewing drinkies in a proper pub and a couple of samosas down Brick Lane for our supper .Could only have been a better evening if Florence had been there ( to see herself and the rest of us on the big screen ) .

I won’t bore you with the other stuff , but the Proddy Son has Eurostarred it back to Dam , John and i have seen Bohemian Rhapsody and although neither of us are a fan of Queen ( especially THAT song – I actually can’t bear it ) , we thought the film was great and that Rami Malek was pure genius.

It is funny how the brain works , because as soon as I heard

”Tonight, I’m gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the world I’ll turn it inside out, yeah
And floating around in ecstasy
So don’t stop me now don’t stop me
‘Cause I’m having a good time, having a good time………”

It took me back to a precise place and time

– 2004 ,our front room , Rosie ,Florence and I squished onto the settee watching a documentary ”The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off’- a film about a young Geordie man ,Jonny Kennedy ,who had a terrible condition , Dystrophic Epidermolysis Bullosa which meant his skin fell off at the slightest touch . He was amazing , funny , caring and philosophical about his death .He loved that song and wanted it played at his funeral . This film really effected the 3 of us , we talked about it a lot

Jonny died on September 26, 2003 in his wheelchair on a train as he was returning home from meeting with Cherie Blair. Jonny was trying to raise awareness of EB so other children born with the disease would not have to live as he did.The day after he died, His mother Edna found a note addressed to her which said, “Do not be sad for I am free. I could not have done so much with my life were it not for you. I leave you with a symbol of my strength and all my love.” The parcel contained a gold brooch that Jonny had made for her. It was fashioned in the shape of a tiger with a ruby for an eye.

Royal Drawing School Exhibition

Another big WOW and another proud moment seeing Holly( one of Rosies’ Besties ) fabulous art on show at Christie’s .
Catch it if you can… free coffee in the foyer , posh ,unaffordable stuff on display upstairs and real art in the Royal Drawing School Exhibition .
Good cider and chips in the pub opposite and lovely company in the form of Rosie’s friends- Holly,Laura ,Izzy ,Ryan and Stu

WOW !

https://www.google.co.uk/search?tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=zzXoW8DiNqmNgAaTvL2oBQ&q=danny+boyle+sand+drawings+walter+tull&oq=danny+boyle+sand+drawings+walter+tull&gs_l=img.3…11256.15445.0.15780.12.12.0.0.0.0.120.787.11j1.12.0….0…1c.1.64.img..0.0.0….0.ktB4N37pDM8#imgrc=fgMfAiIq8BKyOM:

An Art project -Pages of the Sea – 100 years since Armistice Day

Read on , I haven’t just cut and pasted this – Florence plays a part …..

On 11 November 2018, communities will gather on beaches across the UK and Republic of Ireland to say thank you and goodbye.

Film-maker Danny Boyle invites you to join him in marking 100 years since Armistice and the end of the First World War. Pages of the Sea is a unique moment to say goodbye, together, to the millions of men and women who left their shores during the war, many never to return.

You’re invited to beaches across the UK where, over the course of several hours, a portrait of an individual from the First World War will emerge from the sand. And then, as the tide rises, watch as it’s washed away as we take a moment to say a collective goodbye.

National Theatre of Scotland will be leading events at six beaches across Scotland: St Ninian’s Isle beach in Shetland, West Sands in St Andrews, Scapa beach in Orkney, Ayr beach, Roseisle beach Moray Firth and Culla Bay beach on the isle of Benbecula in the Outer Hebrides. In addition to the large-scale sand art, the public will be asked to join in by creating silhouettes of people in the sand, remembering the millions of lives lost or changed forever by the conflict.

Ayr Beach is where you will find Florence helping to create a sand-art portrait of ……..

Lieutenant Walter Tull (28 April 1888 – 25 March 1918)

Walter Tull found fame as a one of Britain’s first black footballers and the first ever black officer to command white troops. Born in Folkestone, his mother was from Kent and his father a carpenter from Barbados. Both of Walter’s parents died before he was 10, after which he was brought up in a London orphanage. Walter became an apprentice printer before signing for Tottenham Hotspur in 1909, becoming a professional football player.

In 1914, Walter volunteered for the Footballers’ Battalion, 17th Middlesex regiment. Two years later, he was promoted to sergeant while serving in France, before returning home after the battle of the Somme to be treated for trench fever and possible shell shock. Having recovered, he was sent to Ayrshire for officer training. His brother Edward, Britain’s first registered Black dentist, was brought up by adoptive parents in Glasgow and became a friend of Rangers player James Bowie. Walter was invited to play for the club and may have participated in friendly matches.

Walter returned to the front as the British Army’s first Black officer. After a period of fighting in Italy, Walter was posted back to France and killed in March 1918 at Arras. Although his men tried to rescue their officer after seeing him shot, his body was never found

A beautiful answer from Nick Cave

A letter to Nick Cave on his website ‘The Red hand Files ‘
I have experienced the death of my father, my sister, and my first love in the past few years and feel that I have some communication with them, mostly through dreams. They are helping me. Are you and Susie feeling that your son Arthur is with you and communicating in some way?
CYNTHIA, SHELBURNE FALLS, VT, USA

HIS REPLY

Dear Cynthia,
This is a very beautiful question and I am grateful that you have asked it. It seems to me, that if we love, we grieve. That’s the deal. That’s the pact. Grief and love are forever intertwined. Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love and, like love, grief is non-negotiable. There is a vastness to grief that overwhelms our minuscule selves. We are tiny, trembling clusters of atoms subsumed within grief’s awesome presence. It occupies the core of our being and extends through our fingers to the limits of the universe. Within that whirling gyre all manner of madnesses exist; ghosts and spirits and dream visitations, and everything else that we, in our anguish, will into existence. These are precious gifts that are as valid and as real as we need them to be. They are the spirit guides that lead us out of the darkness.

I feel the presence of my son, all around, but he may not be there. I hear him talk to me, parent me, guide me, though he may not be there. He visits Susie in her sleep regularly, speaks to her, comforts her, but he may not be there. Dread grief trails bright phantoms in its wake. These spirits are ideas, essentially. They are our stunned imaginations reawakening after the calamity. Like ideas, these spirits speak of possibility. Follow your ideas, because on the other side of the idea is change and growth and redemption. Create your spirits. Call to them. Will them alive. Speak to them. It is their impossible and ghostly hands that draw us back to the world from which we were jettisoned; better now and unimaginably changed.

With love, Nick.

Thank-you Bill Bullard

Chugging along in the car this morning and I heard Graham Norton quote this quote

“Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge… is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world. It requires profound purpose larger than the self kind of understanding.”

Bloody brilliant and makes me :-
think before I speak
realise why my true friends are my true friends
why a lot of people leave me cold

I read this back and thought ‘bin it ‘ .But I didn’t

The photos of Rosie with Katie, Izzy P ( I think- distinctive ,beautiful hair ) and Florence are stunning .

Took my breath away .

Once again I return to Elizabeth Jenning’s quote

“…Time does not heal,
It makes a half-stitched scar
That can be broken and again you feel
Grief as total as in its first hour.

I stole myself to watch ‘Child of Mine’ – the excellent documentary which followed three grieving ( who consented to be filmed ) couples through their traumatic experience of giving birth to a still-born child and the subsequent grief . Different to mine , but grief is grief and grief of a child is the worst and I’m not trying to top-trump anyone here – it just is , and it’s hard and there are loads of right-on quotes …. the way you feel now is the ‘new-normal’ and all that truth/bollux stuff , but if you’ve never felt it and i hope you never do – it’s well and truly awful and all-consuming and tough and that’s just the dumbed down version .
I realise now I’m rambling ( that could be age ) , but life is good and you have to make it good and I’m grateful to my family for giving me joy , my special friends for keeping me sane , my students for making sure I dance and sing and get covered in paint everyday of my working life, for nature for grounding me , for crime series for keeping my brain distracted , for art for making me think , for Soupy for making me feel grateful , for Ottolenghis’ recipes which I try and cook up at least once a week …..plus tons of other stuff . Because if I close my mind to Brexit and Trump and Putin etc this world is a lovely place to be in .

Steve Unwin – Theatre Director and Chair of KIDS

I was lucky enough to hear Steve Unwin speak on Thursday at a conference ‘The Cultural inclusion manifesto’ – which really means making the arts accessible to ALL .
I couldn’t possibly have written down what he said ,it was too emotional and very earthy . So as a second best ,i found this article that he wrote around 6 years ago
”Some people would say that my second son is stupid. I understand what they mean. But it’s a word that I’ve come to use less casually than most. Just a few days before the opening ceremony for the Paralympic Games, he had a pretty significant birthday. But while most boys would have celebrated turning 16 by tasting the forbidden fruits of adult life and drinking too much cheap cider, Joey blew out the candles on his birthday cake with a giggle of excitement, jumped up and down with pleasure unwrapping the presents he’d been given and went to bed – entirely sober – at 7pm.

Because, you see, Joey is very different from most 16-year-olds. He has profound and multiple learning difficulties. His condition is still undiagnosed, although it’s almost certainly the result of a genetic glitch. He’s an attractive boy, with a shock of brilliant blond hair and a dazzling smile. But he’s very small, sometimes painfully thin and suffers from severe epilepsy. His coordination is poor and he’s extremely timid. He’s terribly vulnerable and when the epilepsy is bad, he’s pitiful. Most significantly, he has very restricted cognitive abilities and only a limited understanding of what is going on around him. He communicates in rudimentary Makaton Sign language (and makes noises with a clear commitment to what he wants) but has never uttered a single word: not “mum”, not “dad”, nothing. What at first was termed “developmental delay” is now quite clearly a profound and serious learning disability.

Joey does learn, by modelling. I once spent the best part of a weekend showing him how to put on a sock (it’s counter-intuitive: you have to pull the heel in the opposite direction to get it round the corner). He can write a handful of words: but the great challenge is getting him to understand the relationship between the word and the object.

He’s pretty adept with an iPod and watches a handful of Pixar films over and over again (“a gold medallist in repetitive DVD watching”, as an uncle of his affectionately quipped). He listens to his four-year-old sister’s CDs but loses interest when it’s not playing one of his two favourite songs, and can’t be tempted to follow the books that we read her.

He loves pulling at willow trees and watching flowing water, and bounces up and down in delight at the sight of a passing train. He’s very sociable and quite capable of accosting complete strangers in the park to point out to them the trees, the trains and the water that he loves. And, gloriously, his brother enjoys making him laugh so much that he farts and sometimes wets himself.

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He goes to a brilliant special school in Waltham Forest – Whitefield school is the sort of place that restores your faith in society. He attended a mainstream primary school for a few years but the great dream of inclusion requires things that are impossible in a busy state school. Securing the right statement of special educational needs required endless letters, phone calls, lobbying and legal advice – and when it finally came through I tried to imagine what it would be like for a child with less pushy parents (I’m proud to be one for Joey). And the enormous form (thankfully, about to change) required to claim disability living allowance is a masterpiece of bureaucratic hurtfulness. As Joey’s parents, it’s essential for our sanity to hang on to the positive as much as we can, but to make the self-evident case for support we have to stress how helpless, vulnerable and problematic Joey is on every one of its almost 50 pages.

Many different specialists have seen Joey, but there is a limit to what they can do, and one of the big challenges has been accepting that the medical profession does not have the answers. For the most part, they are careful to take into account his particular problems, but learning difficulties can make hospital appointments a harrowing business: just getting him weighed or taking his blood pressure is traumatic enough, but pinning him down while the anaesthetist at Great Ormond Street hospital held the gas to his face is something I never want to go through again. He had no idea what was going on, and we couldn’t explain a magnetic resonance imaging scan in terms that he could possibly understand. For a boy who hardly uses his vocal cords, his screams of terror were heartbreakingly loud: it felt as if I was holding his face under water.

The circle of Joey’s life is small: school, home, the park, the occasional holiday and his family. We have to be careful about what he can cope with: we couldn’t take up free tickets for the water polo at the Olympics because he can’t cope with loud noise and crowds. He’s terribly sensitive to other people’s moods and gets very upset if anyone around him is cross, even when it’s not directed at him. As he’s grown older, he’s become more emotional and, in moments, swings from extremes of giggling, laughing and cuddling to weeping, thrashing and floor-hugging despair. Being around Joey can be pretty exhausting. He needs very careful handling and many a plan has been scuppered because we expected too much of him.

People sometimes say sympathetically, “Oh, Joey is such a tragedy.” In some ways they are right: we all wish that Joey was developing along more normal lines. But it’s also counter-productive because it reinforces the negative and does nothing to help relieve that “tragedy”. Another reaction is, “Surely something can be done, let’s throw money at the problem.” Again, well-meaning as this undoubtedly is, it doesn’t help anyone, least of all Joey. The fact is, there are no miracle cures for Joey, no simple happy endings: it’s the people around him who need to change and the challenge of Joey’s disability will be with us all our lives.

Joey has had a huge impact on his large and, frankly, high-achieving family. We’ve all been through a range of emotions: confusion, denial and despair one moment; optimism, humour and determination the next. Looking after Joey on a day-to-day basis is very hard work – he can’t do much for himself, needs dressing and undressing, wears a nappy at night and can’t be left alone – and it’s important for everyone to get some respite.

But I was so moved watching him jump into the arms of his elder brother, an undergraduate at Cambridge, outside the main gate at King’s College: it felt as if the walls between knowledge and ignorance, pomp and simplicity, the elite and the dispossessed might, for a moment, come crashing down.

Our society has a confused attitude to learning disabilities, which are all too often swept under the carpet. Physical disability is much easier to relate to, and it’s hard to construct narratives of heroic struggle against the odds for people with learning difficulties. There are no obvious role models, no Stephen Hawking, no Oscar Pistorius and no Stevie Wonder, no high-functioning people with profound learning difficulties made Companions of Honour, winning Paralympic medals or being hailed as musical geniuses. And, despite the tremendous work done by Mencap and others, there are still issues with the way that they are treated by the rest of society. The Papworth Trust recently published research showing that 90% people with learning difficulties have experienced hate crime or bullying, and almost a third say that it takes place on a daily or weekly basis.

I was brought up to value language almost more than anything else and, as a theatre director, it’s integral to my work. I’m ashamed to say that as a young man I was completely ignorant of people like Joey and assumed that people as well-educated as me couldn’t possibly father children like him. But I think I’ve learned the hard way that words aren’t everything, and by looking into Joey’s eyes and watching his behaviour, I’ve seen something beyond words, something that lies behind the words, something that can’t be expressed in words. It’s been the single biggest challenge of my life, but also the most rewarding. Because Joey, in all his fragility and his vulnerability, has opened my eyes to the real meaning of difference, to the tyranny of normality, to another way of thinking about human beings.

Joey is what the religious would have called sancta simplicissima, a holy fool. And, yes, he’s “stupid”, and there is no getting away from that. But the great lesson that he offers – which we all forget at our peril – is that being clever isn’t everything. And that nothing is too good for those who cannot help themselves

…with laughter

I was greeted at breakfast by my Thai student dressed in full Harry Potter regalia – made me howl !
( he’s 32…and the teacher of the group !)

Jane Rosemary ( how she hated that name ) Brown

My little Jane Brown’s birthday today – she would have been 66 .
She had it tough ,but we always did good birthdays and pushed the boat out and I know I’m in danger of repeating myself – but we bestowed on each other the highest level of trust , when we agreed that we were the only person we’d let order from a menu for us .

D.I.D

I love Nile Rogers .

A few years ago ,I was lucky enough to see him ,and Chic , perform in a small space .He was amazing .Everyone danced and sang and came out a lot happier then when they went in …

But why did he chose 5 ( out of 8 ) records ,that he’d produced or sang on , to take on his desert island .It seemed a bit odd .

And while we’re on the subject , Lauren Laverne . A bit like Jo Whiley on Drivetime , a really bad and wooden choice .I would have gone for Simon Mayo – brilliant with people and does great interviews

Wish i could have seen it – the exhibition ,not the dog

I was a bit scared this morning .

My friend and I set off on our Marble Hill , put the world to rights , walk , when about 7 yards in front of me I saw a brown ,baldy ,thin, dog running towards me – I just knew something was going to happen when he didn’t appear to slow down or make a slight body swerve.

He then made a huge leap up and smashed into my top of the chest/ base of my neck bit .I really thought he was going to bite me . He jumped down and then back up again , while I screamed to his owner ( who looked as petrified as me ) ”get him off me” , to which she replied ”he’s only a puppy” to which I replied ” I don’t care if he’s 100years old” , he shouldn’t be let loose .

There was no blood , no bite , but I couldn’t stop shaking .My friend , who has 2 little dogs , said she’d never seen a dog jump so high . I don’t know if that’s a badge of honour for the dog or me …

So when I get home and took a look at Instagram , this put a big fat smile on my face …..

Rosies’ Friends- I doubt they are aware of how lovely and inspirational and important they are

I don’t spend my whole life , thinking about , reading about , listening to stories about …. grief . But I’m drawn to it . I don’t mean to dumb it down , but it’s like dieting – always hoping there is a miracle cure and if there’s not ,sharing other peoples stories and getting hope / less feeling of being a failure / encouragement , from hearing them . But all the time knowing there is no magic wand . I’m stupid really .

So this week , it was the omnibus edition of Listening Project ”Changed by Loss- the impact of sudden death or suicide of a young person,on those left behind ”. Three stories to break a little bit more off your heart – my words not the BBC’s .

So here comes to the link to this website – friends .

The first Mother ,talked of her son ,who took his own life . She spoke so fondly of his friends ,and what a great source of love and support they had been to her . I can only mirror her words and celebrate some of them with the photos that Darren has chosen-

Rosie with Florence and Jacob(‘s arm) in California

Rosie with Laura and Joe C in Benicassim ( I think )

Rosie with Georgina at The Drayton Prom ( I think )

Bless them all

Glitter

About half an hour ago there was a knock on the door – it was Postie .

He handed me the parcel and asked me to sign in the magnetic box with the magnetic pen . But I couldn’t – my eyes were full of tears , i couldn’t see properly, I couldn’t speak and my nose was about to drip . I gesticulated for him to wait while I retrieved my linen hanky ( for those of you who know me , I always carry a hanky because I do cry a lot and I never know when it is going to happen ) and then I scribbled RJ somethingorother.

Why the tears ? It’s a Saturday – the joy of the weekend .We’d had some special friends round to supper last night .We are going to new, never been to their house before , friends , for supper tonight .We await a Thai teacher tomorrow ( not a teacher whose going to teach us Thai ,but a teacher whose bringing his Thai students to London – all bar one , who was meant to be staying with us , but was refused a visa ) , we have nice things planned , it is raining -which means my goldfish is happy.

It’s because I dug deep and stole myself to watch BBC’s ”George Shelley : Learning to Grieve”

In May 2017, George ‘s 21 year old sister ,Harriet died in a sudden accident. He has spent the last 12 months trying to cope with her loss and has struggled to talk about it. He has suffered with depression and anxiety and in a bid to help himself cope better, and to understand the impact grief has had on his life and mental health, he made this documentary.

Lots of things hit home , too close at times – being strong / grieving for the future / life being flipped upside down /the impact of the person’s handwriting/ the what ifs? /why ? / thoughts sending the mind into overdrive ….I could write so much , but you’ve heard it before so i’ll just give you george’s best analogy of

”grief is that it is like glitter………..

no matter how much you try and tidy it up , you’re never going to get rid of it all and you’re ALWAYS going to find bits of it somewhere .”

What will we leave in the hall , behind the sitting-room door ,this time ?

Emerald is having her last run of the summer – she’s off ( taking John and I )to Eype .
It will be lovely cos it is beautiful and relaxing ( unless you forget half the bed like we did last time), but just not the same without Mary and Tony – we’re hoping that one day Mary and the dogs come and stay in a pod , but until then ,we’ll gaze misty eyed at the pitch Tony cooked us up a fry-up and thrashed us at Scrabble.

Good luck to everyone doing The Ealing Half Marathon – we’re rooting for you

If you happen to be near Limerick today….

…go and see the new monument which will be unveiled at Rath Cross, Sixmilebridge o

The monument will honour Thomas Healy, Nanny’s uncle ,therefore Jacob,Rosie and Florence’s Great Great Uncle ,who was the last member of the Irish Republican Army’s East Clare Brigade. After retiring from the police force in Ennis, Healy joined the IRA and died fighting the British forces near Sixmilebridge in 1921.

An Unquiet Mind

I look at those photos and bang, here it comes again ……shock- disbelief- and overwhelming pain and sadness and yearning .
and I go back to the quote that says it all

“…Time does not heal,
It makes a half-stitched scar
That can be broken and again you feel
Grief as total as in its first hour.”

Being heard , helps .No-one can fix us .

Megan Devine is a grief expert , author and psychotherapist .

This is a brilliant ( edited ) piece she has written about helping someone in severe anguish , fear or pain

”So what do we do about the pain we see in people and how come it often seems that our best efforts to help someone . backfire?

I’ve been studying about grief and loss and I’ve learned something interesting. Cheering them up , telling them to be strong and persevere, helping them move on – it doesn’t actually work .It seems counter intuition but the way to but the way to help someone feel better ,is to let them be in pain. You can’t heal somebody’s pain by trying to take it away from them .

Acknowledgement does something different. It makes things better even if they can’t be made right . If someone is in pain , it is more helpful to join them in their pain than to try to cheer them up .We’re not really sure with what to do with someone’s pain and so we do what we’ve been taught , we look on the bright-side. We try to make people feel better .We give them advice. It’s not like this is nefarious , we try to cheer people up as we think it’s our job .We’re not supposed to let people stay sad .The problem is you can’t heal somebody’s pain by trying to take it away from them .Now acknowledgement does something different , when a giant hole opens up in someone’s life, it’s actually much more supportive to acknowledge that hole and let pain exist .It’s actually a radical act to let things hurt.It goes against what we’ve been taught .In order to support you ,I have to acknowledge things are as really as bad as they feel to you . If i try to cheer you up, you end up defending yourself and your feelings .If i give you advice you feel misunderstood instead of supported .Rarely does the admonishment to look on the bright side actually heal things for someone .It just makes them stop telling you about their pain .To be able to say ‘this hurts’,without being talked out of it ,that’s what helps .Being heard , helps.

It seems too simple to be of use ,but acknowledgement can be the best medicine we have .It can make things better , even if they can’t be made right ”

Death

Death – not the easiest of subjects to talk about , but somehow Grayson Perry gets it right . I think the man is a genius .

Last night I watched one of his Rites of Passage series and I was so moved and so interested and so sad , because I defy anyone to watch a programme like that ,and not think about the closest person to you ,whose death you have witnessed..

I admire his gentle ,empathetic manner .He has the ability to be quiet and to listen .His questions to the bereaved and dying are pertinent ,relevant and sensitive .His dialogue is thought-provoking and his art , beautiful .

In a very understated and dignified way ,he joined in the rituals .

A march around the estate where 17year old Jordan, a young lad who was knocked down by a drink-driver ,lived. For this he made a beautiful gold icon

He was MC at a celebration of Roch’s life .Roch who has since died , was near the end of his life ,he had motor neurone disease .Roch spoke and heard the tributes his friends and family gave him .Grayson had made an urn ,in which people could leave their momentos .It was truly amazing .

Funnily enough ,the one I struggled with most was the Toraja tribe ,where mourners will live alongside the body of a departed loved one for a year or more before any kind of public ceremony is held. This sort of freaked me out a bit .

After a night of over-thinking , it now makes perfect sense .

TV is a wonder ( and we don’t even have Netflix )

Blimey ,that was hard to listen to …
Thank God for Bodyguard and Bake Off – took my mind off my sadness and how I sound like I have a poker up my a**e.

Off to sing and walk ( and wheeze ) over The Seven Sisters today .
Best dig out out the words to ‘Windmills of my Mind’ – our favourite .
‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’ is out second favourite , even though we don’t need the words for that one .

Today on the radio ……..

A suggested listening programme for the day

Radio 4 7.54 – Michael Rosen makes the Radio 4 Appeal on behalf of Meningitis Research Foundation

Radio 4 Extra 10.10 – The Listening Project .Rachel and Mandy diary keepers . Two friends who are both avid diary readers share their secrets

Radio 4 18.15 – Lemm Sissay …Pick of The week

Radio 4 21.26 – Michael Rosen makes the Radio 4 Appeal on behalf of Meningitis Research Foundation

Radio 4 Extra 21.10 – The Listening Project .Rachel and Mandy diary keepers . Two friends who are both avid diary readers share their secrets

Points to note

I have been in contact with Michael Rosen since Rosie died . He is wise and kind and funny and sad and empathic . His book ‘The Sad Book’ is the best book about grief that I have read . Tragically his 18 year old son ,Ed, died in very similar circumstances to Rosie . I love Michael Rosen

Radio 4 Extra must be desperate

Back home

Blimey what a summer of adventures….

Were just back from our holiday in Spain and France and now await our 3 Italian students .

I don’t want to leave Europe ,I love it and being part of it .Everyone I met ,I told them this and even suggested that at least we join The Basques or The Catalans and form principality .Pathetic I know , but a start ?

Anyway Tim and Teresa’s Wedding was amazing !

The Irish and the Spanish know how to party …and eat ( an 8 course banquet )…..and drink …and celebrate …and dance …and sing ….and make heartfelt ,moving speeches .

From the beautiful Catholic Church ( in the square with the fountain in the sunshine – it was like a film set ) , to the reception in the countryside , to the people and the love and the joy and the inclusivity -it was a dream .

Thanks to some good instruction from Tim’s relatives , The Spanish now know how to dance the Siege of Venice , and of course ,we have nearly all perfected the art of flamenco dancing- not !

Not to mention ,the night before gathering for drinks and Tapas in the Plaza del Castillo , the afternoon after for drinks in The ( guess where ) Plaza del Castillo and supper on the roof terrace .

Such a joy .

Then we drove to our familiar little piece of heaven in The Languedoc region of France ,Caunes Minervois .

We frolicked in The Orb and The L’Argent Double They are rivers , not dodgy sounding casinos .
We celebrated Johnnie’s birthday at a lovely restaurant on the banks of the Canal du Midi – and on top of the obligatory half a carafe of vino each , a Dutch friend ,treated us to a bottle of champagne .

Ryanair even let us carry our bodyweight of luggage on board .

All good stuff

Why do I always chose the ones that are 8.6%?

Between Dam and a wedding in Pamplona and a pottery session in France , we have a little break , and before I try to squeeze 10 days worth of clothes into a Ryanair size cabin-bag ,I’d like to thank Johnnie and Jacob and Florence and Simon and Jacobs’ friends for a wonderful time in Dam .

We walked round Marken , swam in the sea , swam in the canal , picnicked , ate Ethiopian food , drank the best beer ever , played Dobble and a new type of Scrabble , walked , cycled ( John nearly ended up in the canal – the whole lack of brakes thing , threw him – literally ) , went to Radio Kootwijk, climbed the dunes , made movies ( I’ve discovered the slow-mo function on my phone – everything looks amazing !) watched a screening at Gallery W139, ate kibbeling , some people went clubbing- no guesses for who didn’t !

So lovely and I felt so safe and Rosie was with us every turn of the wheel and raise of the glass .

And the good news ,we’re all going to be together in Amsterdam

You’ve heard it all before , but I’ll give you a few clues as to what day it is tomorrow , 26 years ago…

It was lashing down with rain .We were in Lammas Park ,one o clock club .Rosie took all her clothes off and ran around like crazy and wouldn’t come back to me . She would only listen to Lorna , who persuaded her to get dressed and walk home with me . We went to The Maynards and the kids did finger painting – we were all covered in the stuff . Sitting at the table, I went into labour , drove home and had a strong contraction while turning the car right into Mattock Lane , the car came to an abrupt standstill – someone tooted me and i cried . Grandma and Jane came over to look after jacob and Rosie and at 25 past 11 that night ,in Queen Charlotte’s Hospital , the most gorgeous bundle of joy was born .

I send her all the love in the world

Not a recipe but a review

If you do nothing else this summer , sell your soul to see ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ at Regents Park Open Air Theatre .

I thought it was wonderful , wonderful wonderful – funny , relevant , happy, sad , beautiful, powerful, uplifting.

A ten out of ten from little old uncultured me .

Thank you so much for Declan and Neal for taking us ( and for all the other stuff too )

Author unknown

When we were children ,we’d be round for dinner all the time and I remember Georgina once not wanting to eat her vegetables .Rosie’s response ,as quick as a flash was : ” what are you , a meatafarian?”

It still makes me smile

Chris Venting was the much maligned driving instructor

I’ve been de-cluttering and what happens when you de-clutter ?

You end up with loads of stuff to take to the charity shop/tip/ and you find stuff that makes you cry and sometimes laugh- and then cry .

Today found the recipe card box that Georgina kindly gave me not long after Rosie had died .People wrote down things to do with Rosie and food .As I said at her funeral ,Rosie LOVED food – tasting it ,playing with it , sticking her finger in it , playing with it some more and on few occasions – following a recipe .

This is one of the cards I read

”OK so on the morning after a gr8 night and Rosie and I had the munchies on a serious level and so we decided to make a fry up. Unfortunately all we had in the fridge was some sliced ham,eggs and a cheese platter from the night before , so Rosie , claiming she’s done it loads of times before , said we should mix it all in a bowl and serve it with toast ( I don’t know why I agreed to it, must have been because I was still tipsy from the night before )…anyway it was really disgusting and I swear I felt sick for 2 days after and it didn’t help I had a Chris Venting sesh at noon .”

I think this would have given Jane hope

It’s stupid and I am under no illusion that this is nothing but drivel , but I always feel a bit guilty towards Rosie when I don’t write on this …but

I only want to write if i have something to say , and at the moment I have lots to say , but am too weedy to say it . So I’m going to do what my friend and colleague , Paul M. calls a ‘Brain Dump’ ( is it corporate speak ? – if so it’s pretty rank and it makes me laugh every time he says it ) .

….I’m very proud . Florence and her friend,Sarah , cycled the Dunwich Dynamo ,overnight last Saturday – yes the day the sun went in ,the full moon was no-where to be seen , the rains came and the winds blew a hooley. After a 130mile overnight cycle ,they arrived smiling, intact and happy – pure joy .

….You’re hot , I’m hot , we’re all hot and the hottest room in the house is Rosie’s – bless her .

….Brexit …”It’s painful to see Britain buy into it’s own imperial , nostalgic myth and fall prey to the resulting delusions ” – I’m not clever enough to write that German journalist ,Alexander Menden, is .

….Being an ostrich – regarding Brexit ,Trump ,the far right , the chaos that is The Labour Party , global warming , I am .

….Just watched the final episode of four seasons of Homeland , only to find out there are another four seasons .

…. A medal should be awarded to the casting director of Homeland for getting a baby who looks exactly like Damien Lewis !

….Thanks to all who have funded The Medical Research Council,Spinal Research and Wings for Life ,who are working on removing dense scar tissue blocking nerve recovery in a damaged spine thus allowing tetraplegics to feed themselves, brush their teeth, pick up a drink etc .

Melanie Reid writes ”Life has been hard recently ; behind a brave face I have felt fairly desolate.I speak here for 50,000 fellow paralysed people in the UK and for the 3 more poor buggers told every day that they will not be able to walk again : this news allows us to hope that in our lifetime we might – just might – receive an injection to restore a tiny bit of our lives”

Sex on fire

Kings of Leon on the radio – I still can’t listen to them .
switched off and typed this – hopefully by the time i finish ,so will they

I’m heading north up the A12

Forget The Ganges ,Im off to swim in my spiritual place today , Walberswick . Of course it’s not really spiritual , but ,I feel so close to ALL my family there- Geoffrey ,Joan , Jane , Rosie and as we scattered Janes’ ashes there and Joan requested hers to be scattered there , it is extra extra lovely

I’ve done a lot of swimming in the sea this holiday . Three days ago ,it was in Eype , two days ago , it was in Birchington on Sea (never been there before ) . I must add that for swimming , I mean a few strokes then bobbing up and down squinting at everyone else then when no-ones around doing handstands – because only place I could ever do them was in water

…Anyway ,this year ,I’ve seen all sizes – big one ,floaty ones, clusters of the dam things and one even gave me an electric shock of a sting . But I really find jellyfish beautiful and fascinating and I’m quite stupidly drawn to them . A bit weird really

…Anyway ( again ) , the one thing that we always say when we are on a beach . the only member of the family who could run barefoot across the stones and not go ‘ooh ow ooh ‘ and sort-of hop around , was Rosie . She was a tough old bird .

I’m glad she was out there doing stuff

Just got back from our little hols in a campsite in Eype ,Dorset ( hot , sweaty ,swimmy ,climby ) when I tool a quick peek at Rosie’s website .

Oh Darren thank-you for the beautiful photos, which evoke ‘stop in your tracks , mind numbingly sad feelings’ – and make me want her so much ….I would do anything

The photos are thematic and summery ,and as always she looks so happy and full of joy .

The first was taken in 2007 on the beach at San Clemente ,California .

The second ( I think )was taken with Jamie Ives in NYC

The third and fourth are taken at ( again ,I think ) Reading Festival – doesn’t look warm enough for Benicassim , with the lovely Laura

A beautiful sculpture

Did you know that July Is Bereaved Parents Month ?
I didn’t – Declan alerted me to it and also a powerful photo with the following quote

”We may look as if we carry on with our lives as before .

We may even have times of joy and happiness.Everything may seem ‘normal’

But this ‘Emptiness’ is how we feel …all the time….

( click on Melancholy by Albert Gyorgy)

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=melancholy+albert+gyorgy&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=eNy4Sunh53nPDM%253A%252CJeHCac0nNdYeeM%252C_&usg=__T70MlY5R9mFzA37EmCMld7hNoGE%3D&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjCwpflq6ncAhVENMAKHYioATUQ9QEIKTAA#imgdii=A-5tvHECBAsaWM:&imgrc=eNy4Sunh53nPDM:

Good bloody byes- I hate them

It really has been an emotional week .

On Wednesday ,17 of my work students left .

Most of them I have taught for 8years as they leave our school at 19 .
So saying goodbye to someone of that age who you have grown to love and admire and who has made you laugh and who you’ve danced with , sung with , made art with , rode bicycles with and had water fights with and have a huge affection and admiration for , is dam bloody hard and sad . I wish them all safe ,happy and fulfilled lives .

Then yesterday , John and I helped Mary clear Vilma out .

Dear old Vilma is Mary and Tony’s much loved, very lived in ,trusty old VW camper-van .

We have had such happy times with Emerald parked up next to her and the 4 of us hysterical over something or nothing . We LOVED going away with Mary and Tony .

It was all going Ok until we came across Tony’s hat – a big brown leather thing that was him . If our grief overwhelmed us ,I cannot imagine how it felt for Mary – so sad , so tough .

Sorry for the clumsy words , but I know what I mean

Last weekend

A huge than-you to my dear friend Declan for jetting John and I off to Nice and for letting us get our mitts round a Twingo to get us to St Tropez ( and I don’t say that lightly ) .

Thanks also to Neal and Dottie for hours of fun round and in and on the beach /pool/ house .

We loved it – the walks , the swims , the Scrabble ,THE swan ( inflatable not edible ) , the fish , the food , the restaurants , the wine ,the Campari Spritzers , the mistake of finishing of everyone’s free Creme de Menthe , the chatting for hours ,the crosswords .i could go on and on ……..

We are truly blessed to have friends like you .

by Hanya Yanagihara

I’m reading ‘A Little Life’ when I read a character ,Harold , describing the love he has for his child Jacob,
But it is a singular love, because it is a love whose foundation is not physical attraction, or pleasure, or intellect, but fear. You have never known fear until you have a child, and maybe that is what tricks us into thinking that it is more magnificent, because the fear itself is more magnificent. Every day, your first thought is not “I love him” but “How is he?” The world, overnight, rearranges itself into an obstacle course of terrors.”

!.True
2.It’s just a coincidence he’s called Jacob ( could have been Florence ,Rosie , Pierre or Saif or anything )
3-which has nothing to do with 1&2
my lovely, kind , generous friend, Declan is flying us off to St Tropez via Nice tomorrow.
Blessed be the day

Those eyes

That first photo quite blew me away .

I know I say that a lot , but I really do mean it . Rosie is looking into my ( your ) eyes .She is alive .My gash opened wide .She is on The Top of the Rock , with the Empire State Building in the background.

The second is with Izzy P mixing up a classy coc

The third is with yours truly in December 2007 getting her 18th Birthday Tea ready .

Bloody bloody not fair

Gustav- what a great middle name

Unless you’re over 80 , like a free tea, and the person who died is over 80 , no-one likes a funeral do they ?.

My lovely Louey was cutting my hair on Friday and we had the usual conversations – dating on line ( him not me ) …… Sitges- I’ve never been there , he has -but somehow thinks I have too …… Amsterdam – his Dad lives there as does my boy ….being gay in the Iraq army ( again him not me and probably the most interesting conversation ) ……. when he throws in a swerved ball ‘ what are you doing at the weekend?’ .I reply with ‘I’m going to a funeral ‘ , to which he says ‘ I hate funerals ‘ , to which I say ‘ does anyone like them ?’ Now go back and read my first sentence .

So yesterday was Tony’s Funeral at St Joseph’s Church , south of the river .

By God it was sad but by God it was amazing .

As I’ve said before ( I read it and am certainly not clever enough to have made it up ) grief is the price you pay for love , and John and I have grown to love Mary and Tony . They are 2 of our closest friends . We were all due to take Vilma and Emerald ( the vans ) and Frank and Daisy ( the dogs ) to our favourite campsite in Eype,Dorset in two weeks time . Funnily enough after Tony died we were talking to his kids about our trips ( remember when we went in the winter and Storm Angus hit ? ) and all the time we’d been going to Eype they thought we were going to Ypres in Belgium – don’t know why it’s funny but it is- the dogs haven’t even got passports

Just too much to write – but if you’ve never seen a Met Police Guard of Honour , it is very impressive and incredibly moving .To see about 100 of his colleagues line the street in honour to him we testament indeed .

Anyway I could go on and on but I would just like to end with what the order of service ended with

He smelled the garden.The yellow shield of light smote his eyes and he whispered,

”Life is so beautiful,’

Yes’he thought,’If I can die saying

‘Life is beautiful’ the nothing else is important.’

from ‘The Godfather’ by Mario Puzo

Thank you JPD x

A big thank you to my man Johnnie for talking me to the wonderful city of Florence for my birthday – it was fab and hot and bustling and beautiful and joyful .

We ate boiled beef in buns , sesame and honey icecream , drank Negronis and Campapri spritzers and saw David and other famous paintings, sculptures, frescoes , chapels , courtyards,cloisters and churches and more art and ate more seafoody stuff and climbed 424 steps up the Duomo Campanile ( bloody zumba hasn’t increased my lung capacity one jot ) .

But my favourite bit was climbing up to the peaceful, calm , beautiful and green Forte di Belvedere ……..old Kim Kardiasicardigan and Kanye got spliced there – which on paper , made it a bit sound a bit chavtastic – but it wasn’t .It was understated and beautiful with a view of the city one side and the rolling Tuscan hills the other . No-one seems to go thereA great place for a game of Scrabble

Firenze

Today I’m being whisked off to Firenze .
I have the beautiful daughter and now I’m going to the wonderful place .
Tickets to see David ( the statue not the nephew ) are booked … and we’re flying from London City Airport – which i am fascinated with since souring above in The Cable Car ( I love The cable car ) .
Very excited

Tony Mason

Our dear friend Tony died in the early hours of this morning . Even though he had been in ITU since Saturday morning ,I always had a glimmer of hope . This is very sad news and I feel wretched for all those who loved and cared for him .I know it is NOT about me , but it has knocked me sideways /opened up a wound / made me overthink .The mindfulness has gone out the bloody window .

He was our campervanning buddy .
Him and his wife,Mary, took Vilma – plus the 2 dogs while we just took Emerald and the Boules . We walked the cliffs , ate at The Hive ,the farm and drank at any pub we walked past ( not many on a coastal path). He swam in the sea with me . On New Year’s Eve we hid the clock and played Dobble, Scrabs and Doms til the wee small hours . Early on Christmas morning, when all our kids were asleep we met early in Marble Hill park for a walk .

We laughed a lot .We cried together too

He cooked for us .Bacon butties by the van , Peking Duck in his kitchen . He cracked us up .He thrashed us at Scrabble and was the only person I know to get 2 seven letter words in one game . He had a telephone job interview while we were on a windswept beach in Dorset – and got it . He loved his wife , his kids, his mother ,his auntie and his siblings …

But most importantly he was kind . We shared the same values and were happy to talk about our vulnerabilities and our sadnesses and our joys . it was an honest unpretentious relationship.

The four of us only really became close after Rosie died, because of the fact we shared stuff .

I’m lost for words ,I feel so sad

A big heads up for Saga ( not the travel company )

Why did she do it ? I can’t stop thinking about her ..and Henrik ..and his sadness .

Bugger the plot ,it’s the love story that’s getting into my bones .

She is the best TV character ever .I sort of love her .I think we all went to protect her , and now him as well .

If all goes to plan ,we’ll be in Emerald next friday night , and so I’ll have to hold off til sunday , and the Aidan’ll be back on the scene

zzzz

Staying up and watching the 5 final episodes of Salamander back to back ( while waiting up for our 3 Italian students to come home) is not conducive to a good night’s sleep.

Wish I was back in Broughty Ferry

It may sound crass ,but we trusted each other with our lives

Today was a bit tricky .Not in the is it /isn’t going to lash down , but in the emotional sense .

Seventeen years ago today was the same day-wise as today .It was the Thursday of half term .It was the day my dear sister ,Jane ,died .

I wouldn’t wish what she had to endure ,on anybody . She was certainly no angel , but by God she was amazing . She was kind, generous, funny, witty , observant ,creative and had to put up with so much .It seemed to be one blow after another. But when we were together and with just one slight look we could howl with laughter .She knew what I was thinking ,I knew what she was thinking , she knew what I’d order whenever we went into a bar, cafe ,restaurant . She knew who I liked , who irritated me and i could take one look at her ravaged little body and make her comfortable – it was all about symmetry and getting her bum in the right position

.Syringomyelia is horrible and cruel and painful and frightening – on top of all her other physical problems ,it was just too much- her little body just couldn’t take any more .

Lovely ,more lovely and even more lovely

Three beautiful photos Darren , thank you .

The first is on The Yankee Clipper motoring around Manhattan ,on the way to The Yankee Clipper game at guess where …Te Yankee Clipper Stadium ,in 2007 .

The second is The Jazz Fest ( I think ) in 2007 or 8

and

The third is on Southwold Pier

Advice for next time ?

I know it’s not about me , but I feel I was nearly there today ….why ?

Meghan’s real name is Rachel

I took a school trip to Windsor last year .

Justin and I have met ,I’ve sent him a book ( Religion for Atheists) , he responded .I like him .

I had an ASD student once who knew all the words to ‘Stand by Me’

John’s met Wills and Kate

I went on a Chiltern’s walk on Thursday .Half way round we popped into Chenies Church , picked up a hymn book and belted out the first hymn the page fell open at – only bloody ‘Lord of all Hopefulness’

Anyway my views on the whole thing ,

I loved Rachey’s/ Mehg’s dress and The Queen’s outfit . Apart from above mentioned song , the music was funereal and so sombre .Doria looked so sad and so alone – why didn’t she have a bessy mate sitting close and holding her hand .It would be nice if the Queen smiled .

I’m always nervous when The Royals ( and Meghan ) go up the steps – I wish they would link arms with someone . Do they not like touching each other ?

All in a days work

I find it’s always a bonus when you are on a mission from work and you take yourself onto the terrace at The Lyric Theatre,Hammersmith , to eat your ( naff ,leftover salad ) packed lunch ……..and Aidan Turner come and sits next to you and proceeds to learn his lines .

Happy 74th Michael

It’s Michael Rosen’s birthday today .I love Michael Rosen .

We have communicated by email .We talked of his son ,Ed’s death, of Rosie’s death – how both life changing ,mind-numbing,heart-breaking events were similar/tragic/wrong/sad/too much /unjust etc .I asked him for self-help tips’ – he said go out and have more children .I ignored him ,

As a gift to my school for being so caring , I bought every class a copy of Michael Rosen’s ‘The Sad Book’ , which to this day is the book that best describes ‘Grief’ .

Everyone should read it ,starting in reception and coming back to it in times of one’s own or anyone else’s grief .

It is a little piece of readable understanding for me

Text me pleeeeeeese

On what should be a gloriously sunny and relaxed day ,I have obtained a new phone – it is of the Apple variety ,so for God knows what reason has not stored my contacts ( not at all stressful !!??)

So please can you text me saying who you are

Mucho gratius

We woke up to good news and the day got better

A big fat hearty congrats to Darren Moore ( Green ) who got 1109 votes…and Binda rai ( Labour ) who got 2465.

Thank God the people of Ealing can hold their heads up high .

A big fat hearty thanks to my friend Jane who treated me to my last supper .
It wasn’t my actual last supper , but if it was to be ,it would be what I would choose -(if you get my drift ) – whole lobster- half grilled and half steamed ,garlic mayo , chips and salad …served with pliers ,a bib , a flannel and a bottle of Gavi -sublime.

The M section

What we could be more normal than opening your address book at M, to look for a friends’s house number ,to send a card …and then feeling physically sick and sad at the same time ?

Seeing Rosie’s handwriting is a killer .

Like her sketches, it is HER .

I can see her ,feel her ,smell her .

Unlike a photo ,there is movement , grace,chaos, creativity and soul .She is on the page .It winds me .

On page 4 of my ‘M’ section, amongst all my neat entries written within the lines contained within the box headed Name/Address/Mobile/Email , scrawled across 2 boxes are Holly Mills Mob , with a swirly line underneath and then 2 numbers 075******43 and 077******14, then in

further down the page ….Manpreet and 2 more numbers , then further down the page in thick blue running-out felt pen , for no reasons I can possibly understand ‘Sally Tye called ‘.

I can only guess the page was open when Rosie took the call .

I need chocolate – that sort-of helps .

112 months

Thank you Darren for choosing such beautiful photos ..

The first is with Georgina ,on I think ,Rosie’s 18th birthday tea, here ,in our kitchen

The second is The SOC – although I’m not sure who is the little face in the middle

And the third is with Jacob, Florence and Cousin Victoria .

It is hard to think straight after seeing her beautiful, happy face

And ian mentioned Rosie in his speech , which was very special

This time last week we were putting our glad-rags on , thanking the Lord for a sunny day and also Dunham Malbec for coming first in the 2nd Towcester greyhound race , thus making me a winner , and so not out of pocket for the rest of the night .

Thank you so much Anieka and Ian for an amazing ,happy ,dancey ,joyous,beautiful wedding .

Right from the beginning , being led by The Indian Drummers and dancing around the statue of George 1, to join the rest of the family on the steps of Stowe School , it was special. Then it just got better and better , the service , the mingling on the steps ( south entrance this time ) , and as for the wedding breakfast – sublime . Never before have we danced in to a wonderful band ,danced on our chairs , watched other people dance ,belted out Boyzone songs( and others but that’s the only one I remember ), cheered , clapped , talked and just laughed – and this was all before ,during and after the Indian feast .

Then it cranked up another notch – absolutely amazing

Sad,but true

I know quotes can be a bit crass , also a bit of a cop out – saves me articulating stuff .But some people just say what I think /feel /want to say .

Our copy of Child Bereavement UK”s 2017 has sat in our sitting room for about 2 months – I just couldn’t bring myself to read it .This morning I did , alone ,in my kitchen .The house was quiet .John had gone to work , the four German students to college and I had the place to myself . I had peace and enough strength to open it , and then read it -cover to cover .Every families’ experience of death made me cry , and you know what I think about crying – it is good ,it releases something , it doesn’t show you are softer or more caring than the next person .You just do it because you can .I know some people who are so traumatised, they just can’t cry .Now that is really tough.

Page 1 and Jason Watkins is staring out at me and his words are shouting out at me

” It’s their physical absence that is so painful. You can still feel their hand in yours, then it’s not there .It’s gone.It’s absolutely true that your heart breaks; you feel your heart breaking”

Does it make her an Empath ?

I braved Waitrose this today, something I would normally avoid doing on a Saturday .

But ……. it was the morning , I was driving past and I knew if I spent ten quid ,I’d get a free paper and so it just had to be done .

It probably took me 10 minutes longer than anyone else doing the same 5 item shop , as I had to skirt the cheese counter a few times , and then I bumped into an old colleague , Sue . I must have bumped into her about seven times since Rosie died and she always mentions her . Not in a mawkish way ,but in a kind remembering sort of way . Anyway ,this morning she told me that on March 18th ,her boss’s 22 year old son died suddenly . Sue was very fond of this young man , she used to babysit for him and had known him all his life . She then went on to talk about pain and grief …..my pain , my grief , her boss’s pain ,her boss’s grief , her pain , her grief , and it was interesting what she said ( and apologies for explaining this badly ) , but in the days after this young man died , she thought about him every ten seconds while his Mother probably thought about him every second . now 2 weeks on ,she thinks about him about 10 times a day whereas his Mother probably thinks about him every other second . That pain just does not go .

I’ve said the before , when people acknowledge my pain and my grief , in a sensitive ,relevant way I feel I can be myself with them . It is part of me , it lives with me and I think ,makes me a bit calmer ( except at airports )

What a poet

We went to see ‘Girl from The North Country ‘ last week , and I loved it .

This song has always touched me , now it makes me weep

”May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you

May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay
Forever young

Forever young
Forever young
May you stay
Forever young

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you

May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
And may you stay
Forever young

Forever young
Forever young
May you stay
Forever young

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift

May your heart always be joyful
May your song always be sung
And may you stay
Forever young

Forever young
Forever young
May you stay

Forever young”

…and lots of other stuff .She was a very happy bunny

A beautiful blue , slightly paler than the one Rosie chose for her bedroom walls , and even more beautiful photos .Thank you Darren .

The first ,with Ollie and Helen was on Brooklyn Bridge, 2007.The second was with Florence ( loving the hair-band) in our middle room and the third was with Holly by a big bus red N207 somewhere in London between Holborn and West Ealing .Rosie is wearing the leather jacket we bought her from Topshop for her birthday – she loved that jacket – and London and Florence and Holly and Ollie and Helen and NYC and jumping and life .

Over the hill – but fortunately not the cliff

Ten days later …..and I can now officially tick the ‘concession’ box .

The wonderful NHS have informed me that my bowel cancer testing kit is on it’s way . TFL have sent me my Oyster Card and I’m booking into the opticians ,just because I can .

Thank you to everyone who sent me cards , flowers ,gifts and love . You probably realise i find birthdays tricky , especially when I look back to ten years ago and how happy we were and how we took life and health and all things celebratory for granted .

I love my home ,but I knew I couldn’t wake up in 106 . I had to be away and John ,Jacob and Florence had to be there -I couldn’t feel joy without them . So we all rendezvoused in Crail , a beautiful fishing village in The East Neuk of Fife .Jacob jetted into Edinburgh from Dam, we flew up from London and Florence and Simon motored over form Glasgow …two days later Henry got the bus from Dundee . It was quite a little party .

True to Dwyer form , we did the usual – ate and drank too much , cooked , explored , watched Ireland beat England , played games, lit the fire , cosied up , played games , had fish and chips …… but probably the most memorable factor was THE WIND ( and that had nothing to do with the hashnaganzi breakfasts ) …Walking The Fife Coastal path in 34mph is no mean feet .Every visible orrifice streams , we were battered , wet and our cheeks were bright red but it was bloody fantastic .

Selective viewing

Call me crass ,shallow,thick ..but I love ‘Call the Midwife .I think I’ve watched very one with the exception of the last three . Healthy,young Barbara being diagnosed with septicaemia. Barbara dying of septicaemia .Everyone grieving for Barbara who died , too young ,too soon .Even the nuns and her vicar husband couldn’t make sense of it .

Then there’s The Archers – Nic Grundy , a young woman died suddenly of septicaemia . A few friends advised me not to listen , so I didn’t and then caught a bit pre Desert Island Discs , all about grieving .

I’m sticking with my Nordic Noir – only 2 left off ‘before We Die’ – edge of your seat , mafia type programme .Despite the title , very good for a sad brain

Mothering Sunday

Thank you to Alice ,for making my morning special .

To Lorenzo,Michele and Simone for my flowers and for educating me on visiting another city and staying with a host family , when you have Down’s Syndrome .

To Emerald for getting me to the River Chess and to John for driving her there .

But most of all to Jacob and Florence for their messages .Cannee wait to see you

It sits in the middle of the Neue Wache

‘Mother and Her Dead Son ‘

I have just listened to a programme about Kaethe Kollwitz’s sculpture and I was so moved ,then so cross, then so moved , I have sent my first personal tweet to the producer ,Lucy Lunt .

I was moved ,because they described all My Compassionate Friends and of course ,Me.
The sculpture shows the pain a mother feels when her child dies and it was observed to be powerful expression of the loneliness of grief, plus loads more other stuff I’m not really strong enough to type .

Then right in the middle of it ,Lucy talks about her reflections on her Mother’s death .Yes ,it is sad , but absolutely categorically ,no comparison .

Why do people always have to bring it back to themselves ?

Feb pics

Thanks Darren , fab photos and fab colour ..

The first was taken in NYC ,I’m pretty sure around this time of year in 2007 ( I think )

The second , must have been taken in 2008 ( I can tell by her fringe ) ,I have no idea where .But we do have a beautiful painting of it ,by Jo , on the top landing of 106 .

The third is in a Wetherspoons ( or similar ) I guess . I don’t know who took it .

So beautiful and so very happy . Makes me want to scream with sadness

Vilnius

Thank you to Jacob and Florence for an amazing Lithuanian adventure and for keeping me upright in minus 14 temperatures with thick snow, covering sheet-ice underfoot . I have a huge fear of breaking bones .Grandma broke practically every bone in her body and it was always an effort to bounce back , which she did – but never as high . I don’t even want to attempt to bounce , just stay vertical . I am a weedy cautious wimp in those conditions – sorry .

Anyway back to Vilnius – I loved it , loved it ,loved it .

It is small and spotless and cheaper than London , and it has snow and beautiful buildings and huge Negronis for 6 Euros and dumplings and the River Neris and Russian Orthodox churches and Dimitri and Georgian/Russian/Lithuanian food and the best bar I have been to in years ,Spunka ( I jest not ) in the republic of Uzupio , which sells the strongest IPA I have ever drunk and hunks of cheese and garlic bread for 4 Euros and the most beautiful walk through the hilly pine forest from The Tys Kryziai( The Three Crosses ) …

…….and of course ‘Rupert’ where Jacob is doing his residency .Stunningly beautiful , both the studio space and the outlook ( snow, river , pine forest – you get the picture ) what a fabulous space to create in .I am very very happy for him and very very proud of him.

Michael Rosen and Dr Laura Wright are joined by CN Lester, author of ‘Trans Like Me: A Journey for All of Us’ to talk about language and gender identity. What does it mean to be transgender and how is language being used (by and about) people who identify as transgender, non-binary or genderqueer?

This afternoon ,Radio 4 , 4pm , listen in if you can to one of the nicest ,wisest , kindest ,men , I ever had email correspondence from , Michael Rosen ,in conversation with CN Lester , the daughter of one of my kindest and loyal friends .

The programme is ‘World of Mouth’ .

The topic, language and gender identity .

Hilary’s was on Wednesday night

We went to a mass for Rosie at The Abbey last night…. except it was for Hilary – until our friend Anne got the priest behind the pillar and told him he had got it wrong. When he reappeared,he apologised and then it really was for Rosie.

Thanks -to all our friends and colleagues who came, it meant a lot.

I love a film where the audience claps at the end

Ipm Sunday , Genesis Cinema, Mile End , one screening of the brilliant Irish film ‘Sanctuary ‘ …and I’m so glad I went .

Did you know that it wasn’t until 2017 that the Irish Government repealed a law which made it a criminal offence for a person with an intellectual disability to have a sexual relationship?

This film was just about that – not the political side but the human ,physical and emotional side . The actors were from The Blue Teapot group , a multi-award winning Theatre Company, Performing Arts School & Outreach programme for people with intellectual disabilities and at the forefront of arts & disability in Ireland.

It was set in Galway and it was brilliant – happy ,sad , thought provoking , at times very funny and at the end the whole audience clapped .

I never realised ‘how in the dark’ Ireland is

Maggie O Farrell

Geraldine told me about this article when we were discussing empathy .
I think it is brilliant ,and although not applicable to me , I do see some parallels having grown up with a my wonderful sister , Jane , who had a very complex and debilitating medical condition.

Personally…
Number 9…..Love the bit about the head
Number 11…..Too hard to read

On Raising a Child with Additional Needs: An Incomplete Guide

By Maggie O’Farrell

1. Acquaint yourself with synonyms for the word “additional”: extra, added, further, supplementary, increased, new, auxiliary, expanded. Read that list. Memorize it. These are the adjectives of your life, now; these are the words which will sum up your days, your nights, your everything. All the effort and patience and love and exhaustion and strife and challenges and exhilaration of parenting is just a baseline: You, my friend, are going to have to go beyond, to a further, extra, additional place.

2. You might find the reading of parenting manuals makes you feel terrible. They may have a list of milestones, say, or advice on how to equip a legion of neuro-typical, able-bodied, healthy children with confidence and independence. If this is the case, don’t hesitate to hurl these books across the room. Or use them as firelighters or doorstops or draught-excluders. Or tear out the pages to make origami frogs. Whatever makes you feel better. Generally, make sure you know this: It’s okay to avoid anything that makes you feel worse. It took me a while to figure this out.

3. Whatever the nature of your child’s particular additional needs—neurological, immunological, physical, emotional, mental—it’s important for them to know that their home is a place of safety, of acceptance, of unlimited love. It’s up to you to create this space, this right, for them. Once they are inside your front door, ensure that no one is going to criticize or judge or laugh at them. They need this, and so do you.

4. If one member of a family has a medical condition, you’ll need to frame it as something that is shared by everyone in the house. It affects every single one of you. I never for a moment forget that all three of my children carry the weight of what my middle child suffers.

When she was taken away in an ambulance last winter, her four-year-old sister was clinging to her so tightly that we had to peel away her fingers. As we zoomed to the hospital, my priority was of course the child on the gurney, but at the back of my mind was her little sister. I knew she would never forget being pulled away like that before the ambulance doors were slammed shut. I knew that when I got back home, I would need to make it okay for her—or as okay as I could.

5. You may have to bear witness to your child’s pain. This is harder than you might think. To hear your beloved child scream in agony, to hold them as they writhe, to listen to their distress: There is nothing that will lacerate you as this does. These moments will etch themselves on to your heart; you will be able to summon the exact pitch, timbre, and rhythm of these cries, even years later.

Though hard to live through, they will give you a specific strain of strength and awareness. You will learn from them. You will never again be able to act without compassion, without an urgent instinct to help someone in need. Which is a bonus, of sorts. It can also be inconvenient if, for example, you’re trying to get somewhere but your rewritten heart keeps making you stop to help people, animals, cars, situations, on the way. It might make you late for things: just a heads up.

6. You will be desperate for people to recognize your child for the person she is, not just a collection of symptoms. Too often are my daughter’s condition, her skin, her extra needs taken as a substitute for who she is. I once heard someone refer to her as “the girl with the gloves,” and I wanted to go up to them and say, what else about her can you see?

7. You are determined that your child will live as full and large as life as possible, within whatever strictures their condition dictates. You become a mother who tells your children, sure, climb higher. Yes, leap into that water. Go for it. Do it. Get on that extremely large bike/skateboard/incline/vertiginous rock face.

8. When your daughter is feeling isolated, set apart, despite all your efforts, you need to look her in the eye and say, yes, it’s rubbish. I’m sorry. I wish it wasn’t so. I would swap places with you, a thousand times over, if I could. You must also tell her she isn’t alone. That everyone has something they struggle with. It may not be as visible as a skin condition or as dramatic as anaphylaxis, but everyone faces challenges.

9. You might feel a bit twitchy when people say that they know exactly how you feel because they have a gluten allergy that makes them feel really bloated when they eat pasta. Others might tell you what a struggle it is to get their child to do their daily flute practice or that they haven’t slept for several nights because their child has a dreadful cough. Then there are the over-sympathizers, the ones who tell you, with tears in their eyes, that they don’t know how you cope. For all these situations, you need to perfect the neutral nod. It’s an all-purpose, single downward tilt of the head. You can add a distant, noncommital smile, if you like.

10. There will be people who just don’t get it, no matter how many times you explain. They won’t remember crucial details. They may show signs of impatience or exasperation, when you are unable to make a date or go to a certain place or take part in an activity. You may sense that, spooling through their mind, is the thought that you are somehow making this all up. That these people may include good friends, close relatives, is one of the trickier things.

Tell yourself, over and over, that there is nothing you can do about this. You can’t change them, you can’t make them see, if they don’t want to. You have to alchemize any sadness you may feel over this into cherishing the people who do get it. Let them know how much you value them; tell them how much their understanding and support means to you.

11. Track down as many enticing audiobooks for your child as you can and bring them with you for hospital appointments. You can set the headphones on their head and tune them into Harry Potter or Roald Dahl or E. Nesbit, so that you can listen to whatever it is that the doctor is saying. Remember, though, that your child is watching so be sure to smile and look upbeat, whatever the doctor is saying. This has, on occasion, given rise to the following conversation:

Me: What are the risks?

Doctor: Systemic infection, fever, sepsis, organ failure, and then death.

Me (grinning and nodding): Oh.

12. Hold fast to the kindness and let go of the callousness, for you will encounter plenty of both. It will be necessary for you to devise a way to neutralize or pass over the devastation you feel when another parent at a play park pulls her son away from your daughter, saying, “Don’t play with her—you might catch something.”

A woman will look you in the eye and tell you that she isn’t inviting your daughter to a birthday party along with the rest of the class because “it’s too much hassle.” You will need to metabolize this slight, this exclusion, and move on. (You will have to see this woman every day, at school drop-off; you will, when your own daughter’s birthday comes around, need to invite this woman’s child. This woman will come to your house. She will sit at your table and you will watch her drink your tea.)

13. For every one of these ignoramuses are ten angels in disguise. The friends who clean and vacuum and dust their houses, so that she can come over. The people who cook special food for her, who text you five times to check ingredients, who say, tell me what to do, tell me how to help. The classmates who spot someone with a peanut butter sandwich across the playground and drag her to safety. The teacher who goes out of her way to make sure your daughter feels secure, protected, wanted, included. The lady on the bus who gazes at your daughter—and you are bracing yourself for a comment about her reddened and raw skin—but instead she says, what beautiful hair she has.

14. If I start to feel even a little bit sorry for myself, I pull myself up with an important reminder. I live in a developed country with excellent healthcare; the medication which can save my daughter’s life is given to us for free; I am able pick up the phone and summon an ambulance and paramedics to our door, if we need them.

15. Sometimes you have to stop chasing “the why.” As in: Why has this happened? Why him? Why her? Why us? These thoughts are, for the most part, circuitous and therefore exhausting. Various theories put to me as to why my daughter has an immune disorder, chronic eczema, and potentially fatal allergies have included the following: the amalgam fillings in my teeth, a trauma from a former life (for me or her was never clear), a vaccination I had while pregnant with her, her conception via IVF, the confluence of my mild asthma and my husband’s mild eczema, and so on and so on.

It’s possible to flush away a great deal of energy and money on pursuing this elusive question. You need to forget the why and concentrate instead on the how. How you are going to deal with this, how you are going to live your life and carry on.

16. A dermatology nurse once told me I needed to make time for myself. I was, at that particular moment, standing in a hospital toilet, having a little weep. I had a sick and suffering three-year-old, a tiny baby whom I hadn’t seen that day, and a nine-year-old who happened to be in double leg casts. Also, a job. I remember raising my head to look at her and wondering, was she mad? Was I? Time for myself? Where was this time to come from? From the two or three hours of sleep I was getting? Should I skip getting dressed in the morning? Could I save a few minutes here and there by not cooking meals? Maybe I could give up doing the laundry or feeding the cats or taking the kids to school.

It was, however, good, if somewhat unrealistic, advice. You will need to carve out whatever time you can, to gather yourself, to stabilize yourself. I’m not about to tell you to find joy in small things, to be grateful for kitten paws or narcissus petals or sunsets, but to allow yourself a moment, here and there, if you can, to put down your cares. The other day, I’d had some lowering news about my daughter and we were going to have to wait several weeks for some crucial blood results. I was feeling as if someone had tunneled into my chest cavity with a blunt knife. I put on a pair of particularly warm socks and sat in a chair, watching my daughters, who were running about, both dressed as wolves. I thought: Yes, these results could be awful, but look, the world has socks, and animal costumes, and chairs. Right now, just for an instant, the blood tests can go to hell in a handcart. I’m going to just hang out here, in my Icelandic socks, with my wolf cubs.

17. You can only try your best. It won’t always be perfect. You won’t always be your ideal self. Accept this.

18. Hold in mind that, wherever you are, whatever circle of hell you find yourself in, there is always someone worse off than you. To get to appointments at our first hospital, I had to walk down a corridor which bifurcated into two different departments. There’s nothing like a signpost to the right, reading “Paediatric Oncology,” to make you grateful that you’re turning left to “Immunology.” You have your child. She is here. Not every mother can say that.

* A really big Mind The Gap moment

Angie Greaves is no Claire Balding .
Ever since she sat in for Steve Wright on his Love Songs programme , and read out , with no tongue in her cheek , the top ten ways to kiss someone , I’ve never much cared to listen to her . But this morning , on ‘Good Morning Sunday’ just after playing a David Gray song , she said this (* I heard it ,just as I’d picked myself up off the floor ,dusted myself down , got my breathing back into a rhythmic state and cleaned my steamed-up , tear filled glasses )…..
”you may forget what people say.You may forget what people do. But you never forget how people make you feel’. ”

Isn’t that true ? Quite made me think .

best news ever …..

Huge big fat hearty congratulations to Georgina and Danny on the birth of their beautiful baby ,Emily Grace .

We send them all the love in the world , as would Rosie , who would have held her and made her smile – and then spilt her drink on her …..

109months

I love the lime green and the photos

No 1. Richard Clarke’s 50th at ealing Cricket Club

No 2. Some station somewhere , with her legs wrapped around Holly

No 3- Southwold Pier

Miss her , want her ,love her – especially today .
Let’s hope Soupy kitchen ,followed by the arrival of 3 Brazilian teenage boys ,will take my mind off the pain.

6.1.09

Nine years ago today ,I said good-bye to Rosie .

So what did I do today to mark the date – ordered a chair so I can sit closer to her portrait and wept over an article entitled ‘ How to take control of death ‘

The house goes quiet and so i hit the ‘self-help’ button

Have you heard of Byron Katie ?

After suffering deep depression , she experienced a radical change that left her joyful. Sounds a bit far-fetched or culty – yes I thought so too ..

But she has written it down , in what she calls ‘The Work’.

Anyway after reading ”Katie has helped people do The Work on rape, war in Vietnam and Bosnia, torture, internment in Nazi concentration camps, the death of a child and the prolonged pain of illnesses such as cancer ”, I took an interest , and also a moment of reaffirmation , that she groups my pain/ trauma with people who have endured such terrible, terrible things..

So to summarise ,Katie helps people from around the world to dismantle stressful thoughts, using a line of enquiry that sounds laughable simple when written down .

Just spell out your stressful thoughts, she explains, then ask four questions about each thought in turn .

1.Is it true ?

2.Can you absolutely know it’s true ?

3.How do you react , what happens, when you believe the thought ?

4.Who would you be without the thought ?

It doesn’t sound like much, but it’s extremely diverting. She explains ” Most people spend a large part of their life thinking essentially ‘ this shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t have to experience this.God is unjust. Life is unfair’.” She shows them it’s much easier to stop struggling with reality and accept whatever is happening.

Of course the article goes on and on and I am not good at paraphrasing – but maybe , just maybe ,if you are anxious or depressed , it is worth taking a look.

Bad grammar , but you know what I mean

I won’t bore you , but we ( well John ,Flo and I , plus Sarah and Gro in Copenhagen ) have gone down with the lurgy . You know the thing- high temp , coughing, sore throat , no energy …and now i really am boring you .

Actually John and I are on the way up , less of a temp, cough , can manage to get dressed – by this time you’re asleep with boredom .

Suffice it to say , we couldn’t even face supper and Scrabs with friends on NYE , instead we stayed in and watched Nile Rogers , hoping for a glimpse of Freya and Jacob , jigging in the audience .Had to go to bed half-way through the fireworks as they hurt my eyes .

So I won’t say HNY as it’s a load of bollux . Said it last time in 2007 and have vowed never to say it again .

But I do send my love and thanks to all my kind friends and family who have made the last year a little bit lovely .

last day of the year ( in case you didn’t know )

Too much to say – so I won’t .

Suffice it to say we had a lovely time with the Thomsen Browns and did all things Christmassy – winter walks , indoor fireworks, games , more games ,Scrabble ( I know it’s another game- but not easy when English is your second language ) , Karaoked breakfasted up The Shard and watched a horizontal snow blizzard below us , exhibition-ed , sang , danced ,…

Now ,apart from a couple of us , we are struck down with the lurgy. So It’s NYE with a hot totty and ‘Call the Midwife ‘ .

We know how to live the rock and roll lifestyle

Darren , I love the pink …and the way it matches Grandmama’s jumper and that you’ve chosen a picture of us sitting around the table in 2006 ( I think ) .
So special

hope you had a good one

We did Rosie proud …
We did all the usual – ate , drank , karaoked, danced, Srcabbled ,Dobbled, table fireworked, pass the parcelled , but forgot one little thing …

the Danish tradition of dancing round the Christmas Tree – although the night before we’d made an exec decision not to all haul Jane’s little twig one into the kitchen , but instead to join hands around Grandma’s pot-plant . Even then we couldn’t be ar**d. Too busy , too in the moment , too happy – which is a really ,really good thing
Just one complaint .Is it me or have the hats in crackers got smaller – not in girth ,but in depth ????

I can see her doing that now

I hope Bunny ,Eve ,Anna and Allan don’t mind me quoting from their Christmas card , but it made me laugh

” We were talking about Rosie today and remembered how she used to fall of the back of chairs…don’t know why .Often when we doing art/craft”

And as Julia Samuel said recently ” Sudden death is like grief with the volume turned up”

Despite doing all the things that normally keep me buoyant/happy/active ie. concert ( including a whole singalongasoundofmusic section ), walking, cooking, dining and Scrabbling with friends , I had an energy -sump yesterday . I just couldn’t get those spirits lifted . So instead of trying to self-motivate , I went with it and took Michael Hann’s advice and watched BBC 4’s ‘Roy Orbison:Love Hurts’ documentary .

It was so unbelievably tragic . I so wanted to reach out and hug his third son ,Wesley , I forgot about my pain , sadness and bloody lethargy ( not to mention the headache that sadness induces ) and thought about the Orbison Family , Nim’s Family ,The Kurdi Family ,The Pearson Family plus plus plus .

Talking about the sudden death of someone very close you ,Alex Orbison said ”they say that time makes it better .But you know that’s one of the biggest lies .It’s just that … time stops” ”It’s not like you think of it all day , everyday, but it’s there and when you visit it , it’s just as fresh as it was ”

Blessed be the fruit. May the Lord be open.

I am so traumatised, I will either

A. go and lie down in a dark room

or

B. go up to The Troxy and see a Chorus of London Gay Men singing .

I have just watched the final episode of ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’, and although having read the book in 1986, I was left completely shell-shocked. Apart from ‘The Bridge’ and the final episode of Crossroads in 1988 ,The Handmaid’s tale was the most powerful thing I have ever seen on TV .

I’ve opted for option B

She was with us . She is always with us .

Storm Caroline got us off to a wobbly start . I’ve never seen the wings on an aeroplane so up and down . There was a deadly hush as we landed and then a long queue for the toilets .

Then we hooked up with the troops and marked Rosie’s 28th Birthday in style .

We walked ,brunched , galleried , saw a performance piece , ate curry ( twice ) , walked through snow and ice, over waterfalls , through forests ( Scotland is sooo beautiful ) .The sun shone for her , the pub fire roared for her and even BA helped prolong our celebrations by cancelling our return flight and giving us a night in an a la posh hotel in Glasgow .

Home now , only a week til I see them again

Rosie’s Birthday

We’re off to a windy start to Glasgow, to celebrate Rosie’s 28th birthday with the troops ..and it’s nothing to do with last night’s ‘ throw it all in and get rid of the dregs in the fridge then chuck in in a can of kidney beans , kind of a chilli .

Storm Caroline has popped up to greet us and The Cross Keys Kippen awaits ……and I cannee wait to be with Jacob and Florence and Simon

To our European Friends

I just signed the petition “To our European friends from your friends in Britain – this is not our brexit (#notourbrexit)” and wanted to see if you could help by adding your name.

The goal is to reach 25,000 signatures and the campaign needs more support. You can read more and sign the petition here:

http://chn.ge/2ASHYdF

Plus ‘I know who you are’ , so confusing , but got me gripped

With December looming , in fact it’s bloody well loomed- always does ,always will . Ofsted Bofsted and HMI Inspectors gone . Sardinian students no longer in total body-shock ,having arrived from sunnier climes to 106 ,where immediately the boiler packed in and temperatures dropped to sub-zero …. I’m filling my head with lots of PDT ( not to be confused with PTS- although as I’ve said time and time again , don’t be fooled , there is a bit of me still in shock – the pain never goes ,it is now a part of me – but that is love for you ).

So back to the PDT – Reasons to be cheerful…..’Hair’ at the Vaults , ‘Follies’ at The National ,’Landscape Artist of The Year’ on the TV in our front room .The location of the final of LAOTY , Winkworth Arboretum , visited last Saturday . This afternoon ,”Everyone’s Talking about Jamie ‘ at a theatre just up the road from lunch at Brasserie Zedel , and then home for Maqluba with friends who have just come back from taking a year off and done artist residencies in France and Finland . Thinking out loud , I think the people that i most admire ,are those who are kind , help other people and do stuff that they really want to do , in a non-capitalist money-making sort of way .

So life at the moment is good

Not quite Shakespeare (D.C.not W. the P.)

I was sleeping and right in the middle of a good dream ,like all at once I wake up from something that keeps knocking at my brain. Before I go insane I hold my pillow to my head and spring up in my bed screaming out the words I dread
I think I love you ,I think I love you.

I’ll miss old Clare Balding on the radio on a Sunday morning . I’ve loved her guests – always one faith and one non-faith . She always talks about love, kindness, humanity .neighbourliness etc

The above 2 sentences are totally unrelated .

Anyone ( female ?) , around the age of 59 , will know exactly where those words in the first paragraph come from , and will probably now spend the rest of the day singing them …and imagining…….

The second sentence are my words . I love her and the way she broadcasts .Many of her guests have helped, grounded and saved a little bit of me .

She ended with a quote from the world’s greatest philosopher ,Pooh.

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”…that makes such sense

i never realised she could be so profound

Lovely colour , lovely photographs Darren .Thank-you
The first -John and I looking like embarrassing tourists ,while Rosie looks too cool for school .Taken on Brooklyn Bridge , 2007 .
The second Rosie and her cousin ,Sarah . Taken in Copenhagen perhaps ?
The third , with Holly , taken outside Northfields Station .
She is so beautiful and so missed/wanted/yearned for , but as Queen Elizabeth II wisely said ” grief is the price we pay for love ”

The TV equivalent of comfort food

After a week of Ofsted Bofsted, a night of pizza ,red wine , good company at the Soupy Social , a ~Chilterns walk cancellation , what better than coffee and a taste of a Worm’s Head in …’Sky Art’s Portrait Artist of The Year ‘

For what it’s worth , I think Andrew was robbed

Tom ,Claire,CRY and help

from Tom and Claire’s page ……

”Claire and I always remembered that while some folk crossed the road because they didn’t know what to say to us after Tom died, Tom’s friends – and Ellen’s too for that matter – always made a point of crossing the road to talk to us. It didn’t mean, of course, that they didn’t have their own sorrow to deal with. CRY have now bought out a new booklet ‘A Friend’s Grief.

The charity Cardiac Risk in the Young (CRY) is this month [13 November 2017] launching a powerful new booklet for young people learning to navigate their emotions following the tragic and sudden death of a close friend from a previously undiagnosed heart condition.

The booklet, ‘A friend’s grief following a young sudden cardiac death ‘ has been compiled by CRY’s Founder and bereavement counsellor, Alison Cox MBE. It features 10 short chapters from 29 bereaved young people talking through their experience of coping with the gap their friend has left, trying to adapt their lives without them by their side and finding a ‘new normal’.

Poignantly, the authors emphasise how much talking helps address what happened and their surprise and delight when they found that parents wanted to retain contact. Many spoke of ‘living for the day’, taking nothing for granted and discovering how they value relationships more.

The booklet – which is being officially launched in the lead up to CRY’s annual Raising Awareness Week [19-26 November] – is part of a wider campaign highlighting the grief felt by young people when they experience the death of a friend. CRY hopes this new initiative will encourage young people to share their memories and to talk openly about their grief. The resource will also be available to read online or order for free, directly from CRY:
www.cry4friends.org.uk

Castleton ..with Craig, Dave Ian, Lee and Trevor

We’ve been up hill and down dale .In the bog and out of the bog (and that was before a few pints of The Belgium Blue ). In The Nag’s Head ,Cheshire Cheese , Peaks Hotel and Bull’s Head . Ate /talked/laughed /reminisced a lot , and all the time Rosie is with me , right there , right next to me .She props me up , she picks me up , she holds my hand and she makes me put one big clumsy foot in front of the other .She’s where my strength comes from

last Saturday

Brilliant film ( I’ve only seen in 8x) , lovely people , too much German wine , fireworks , kids ( and dog ) coming in off the street .

An altogether wonderful opening night

Forsythe not Springsteen

Jacob and Florence are home -woop woop .

So feeling all chilled after Celebrity First Dates ( even though I only knew who Sinitta was ) , we tuned into the even mellower ‘Sky Arts Landscape Artist of The Year ‘…… only to see Chris Stevens’s face pop up on our screen . Not only is the painter of Rosie’s beautiful portrait ( as endorsed by Stu and Jo ) , but he was one of the 8 contestants who were to paint a picture based on their view of The Gower Peninsula

Sadly , his dry stone wall didn’t impress the judges ( I don’t know if the fact it was behind them and was out of eyeshot had anything to do with it ) and he didn’t make the final three , but as Brucie would say – he’s still our favourite

Emotional Safety is a funny one- great when you have it , awful if you don’t

Amsterdam was a blast .

The sun shone , John hung off a low bridge just a little to long and just before he fell off the back of our little motor-boat ,Florence caught him – which was a mean feat as she was steering at the time ! We went to our favourite place ,Brouwerij ‘t IJ, and new places – Mossel and Gin, De Ceuvel, Winkel 43 . But best of all , we were together . Sounds corny , but for me ,it’s the best thing in the world …

and now Proddy Son is home and Florence chugs in later today . So when she arrives ,I’ll feel safe again .

Q&A ( just the one )

Q:What could be better than a half-term of ..putting up displays , walking from Faversham to Whitstable, meeting a college friend who I haven’t seen since his wedding day , 25years ago ?

A: Going to Dam and meeting up with the troops .Wooohooo, cannee wait !

Humayun Khan

Yes Judy ,I did read Simon Hattenstone’s interview with Khizr khan about losing his son to the Iraq war , and why it drove him to challenge Mr Trumpton on live TV.

I was moved , impressed ,enlightened and have nothing but awe for the man and his wife ,Ghazala.

This is not about me or Rosie , but about pain and dignity and respect and empathy and support and understanding .Everything that makes our broken lives meaningful and bearable .

In response to Mr Trump suggesting Ghazala may not have been allowed to speak. Khizr said ”I asked Ghazala if she would speak first at the convention.She just looked at me, and I knew that was a no. Ghazala could not even enter the room with Humayun’s picture in it for seven years. It was our youngest son’s job to clean that room. She said: ‘You think I’ll be able to even stand if his picture is on the screen?’ I said, ‘OK, just stand with me and hold me. I will hold you and you hold the podium.’ When we got off the stage you can see I’m trying to put my arm under hers to make sure she doesn’t fall.”

And the article ended with

‘Khan was recently recognised by an airport check-in worker during his book tour. “The fellow who was checking me in at the airport recognised my face and name. He came out and gave me a hug and said: ‘I also lost my son, Mr Khan. Both you and I know that hole in the heart is never filled. We just get used to living with it, so be strong, and you have my support and my prayers, and he went back to his counter and dealt with the rest of the passengers.’” He pauses. “It is true. That hole in the heart always remains.”

One more minute

Last night , glass of wine in hand , Scrabble victory secured , ad -break in the brilliant Cold Feet , and this comes on

https://childbereavementuk.org/onemoreminute/

John and I stopped in our tracks , froze, watched ,listened and cried . It is so moving , so powerful and so true . We are one of those people ,and yet I feel deep sadness for them . Like us ,their hearts are broken .

This is the transcript

”What would you say if you had one more minute ?”

Woman: ”Gosh that is such a hard question”

Child: ” I would tell her I still wanted her to be with me ”

Young woman : ”I’d just want to tell her that I love her ”

Mary Berry : ” I would thank him for being a brilliant son”

Woman : ”It would be nice to look at her ”

Man : ” To see her open her eyes ”

Jason Watkins : ”I’d remind her of all the wonderful things she had given us and we’ll never forget her – is what I’d say to her ”

Rio Ferdinand : ” There’s loads ”

Child: ”I would say I love you as I never had the chance to ”

Mother and child : ” It would be to tell him we are doing OK”

Mary Berry : ” CBUK gives face to face support to children, young people and families.

When a child grieves or when a child dies”

Prince William : ” Please take one more minute to support CBUK and help to build the lives of bereaved families”

THT closely followed by GBBO

THT- Three down ,seven to go . I don’t know if i can bear the tension

Meanwhile on GBBO – Liam was robbed , injustice was done . It should have been Kate . He was robbed and I’ve fallen a little bit in love with Noel .

I don’t just watch television – although that and spending 7 hours up The Oxo Tower working our way through their cocktail list , celebrating a dear friend’s big birthday , certainly helps .

An amazing book

It’s a bit odd when you watch The Handmaid’s Tale and get more frustrated in the mis-use of S’s in the Scrabble game , than the Dystopian barbarism that is going on around them .

I guess , it’s because the rest is fiction .
I read the book in 1986 and it disturbed me then .This is a brilliant adaptation but it’s odd , I can only watch it on my own in daylight hours as i think it will make getting to sleep harder than usual

Anyone see it ?

Just watched the final episode of ‘Black Lake’- like a cross between Scooby Doo and the Shining …
Pure escapism

What next ?

The Great Gambo is trying to finish me off … the day started ( radio wise ) with Gloria Hunniford talking eloquently , beautifully and compassionately about her grief, after the death of her daughter

Then I went out for a walk .

Then I came home to hear Gambo playing No.1 in 1973 -The Simon May Orchestra’s ‘Eye Level’ ,otherwise know as the them tune to Van de Valk otherwise known as Grandmas favourite classical piece of music – still make me laugh .

Had lunch

Then Gambo winded me by playing 1994’s ‘Circle of Life’

I think I’ll go and lie down in a dark room ( with some chocolate )

It is not rocket science

This is a bit of cheese ( not literally ) …sounds American .Some makes perfect sense , some is a load of b****x

10 surefire ways to achieve unhappiness

1.Complain ( harp on about bad things, while ignoring the good )

2. Avoid your problems ( eat, sleep, work, procrastinate, go on the re-bound….anything to avoid the issue )

3. Compare yourself with others

4. Worry about things that have not happened yet.

5. Let your problems overwhelm you ( instead of handling them in a grounded manner )

6. Do things you don’t love

7. Stay on in relationships that no longer serve you

8. Try to change others ( instead of working on yourself )

9.Try to please others ( …and pleasing no-one in return )

10. Attach yourself to goals/outcomes/statuses/things /people (and let your emotions be tied to them )

My version …

1. Complaining …only makes you feel miserable and gets you no-where,especially if it’s to Ryanair

2. Sounds great in theory

3. I’m guilty of this , makes me feel a complete failure.I’m doing my damnedest to stop

4. I often refer back to my Mindfullness training ” Thoughts are not facts , thoughts are not facts ”…It DOES help .

5. See 4.

6. Some times you do have to do things you don’t love ( like listening to people trying to sing Disney’s ‘Let it Go’ ) , just do it with good grace.

7. Avoid mood-hoovers.

8. Too hard , grin and bear it/them.

9. You should always try to please others .If you make others happy ,it makes you happy.

10. Do nice things with kind people

Here’s to Angela and Rosie , who never knew each other , but still give us so much love

Due to a cock-up over wind speeds we never made it to the cable car yesterday . You’ve probably gathered , I LOVE the cable car .

So instead we went to the Tate Britain to see ‘Queer British Art 1861-1967’.

I always find it hard going to the Tate Britain , as I have to go past Chelsea College of Art . But yesterday , I didn’t just walk past it , I pulled my shoulders back , took a deep breath and walked right across the courtyard – corner to corner . It wasn’t easy , I kept thinking ..this time 9 years ago , this time 9 years ago – I couldn’t get it out of my head .I could see Rosie there . I met my friend Judy in the members cafe and she told me ,she too had tested herself ,by walking up the front steps . A few years before her daughter Angela died (in South Africa ) they had come to London for a holiday .Angela had a list of things she wanted to do , and one of them was to have her photo taken on the steps of The Tate . So unbeknown to each other ,we had both dug very deep .No-one in that cafe would ever know .

I tried ‘Rabbit Hole’ and that annoyed me , so i won’t bother with TCIT

A big fat well done to Darren, Izzy P ,Stu ,Neelam ,Bethany ,Sara and Gill H.and everyone else who ran today’s Ealing Half-Marathon .

It was scorching and lovely and one of the hi-lights was when a group of Octogenarian ramblers ,complete with walking-poles and rucksacks ,walked straight down the middle of the track, oblivious of what was going on around them ! ( That’ll be me in a couple of years time )

Something not to watch tonight ,The Guardian’s No. 2 ,Don’t Miss TV programmes ‘The Child in Time’…..’
‘Kelly Macdonald and Benedict Cumberbatch in this necessarily narrowing adaption of Ian McEwan’s novel exploring the shattering impact of losing a child. Not comfortable Sunday night viewing, but still essential ”

Joe and Rosie

I’ve done a bit of digging – which means texting Joe and Izzy.

Joe’s reply ‘ I love that photo of us .It was taken,I think, at your house !Pretty sure it was the time we got umbrellas up in the kitchen dancing to Rihanna ‘

Then he sent me a photo of a photo of him and Rosie at Benicassim, smiling , happy, on the beach .he keeps it next to his bed .

So she’s shining out there …in Joe’s bedroom in Berlin .

Hopefully I’ll be catching up with Ealing’s finely tuned athletes ,later , so I can hear about the second photo .

It sounds like all I do is watch TV – selective stuff gives my brain a bit of respite

Lots of jumpy things

‘Liar’- whose lying ?

‘Rellik’ – couldn’t make head nor tale of it , given up

‘Black Lake’ – creeps me out .John’s given up ,but I’m persevering from behind a cushion

This months’ photos

Grandma’s Garden , our swing , best toy in the world , fixed metal poles .I loved it , Jane posed on it and Richard did daring things off it , which often involved me lying on the ground and him launching himself of it to land the other side of me .

Rosie, Joe , Leo and someone in a Drayton sweatshirt – where ,who knows ,but they’re loving it .

Rosie, Izzy P. on a coach in NYC perhaps ? Rosie holding her camera , she LOVED that camera .

Always happy , always joyous , always with me

GB/DD

Goggle Box- Dragon’s Den – woman comes on with her Emoji Cushions . Dragon’s asked why her ex-thriving-business failed , woman tells them her son died ( and I guess so did a bit of her ) and ……..

Dragons cry and offer her a business deal .

I am not mad .It is sad ,it is the worst and there is no formula as to who has the empathy gene

We were truly spoilt

Yes Andrea , of course he remembers you , and all those happy times in Cobnar Gardens .

Dec’s birthday celebration was truly amazing .

His friends are lovely .We ate and drank and lounged and talked and laughed and Scrabbled and swam …fabulous.

No Joanie sightings , although Gloria Hunniford was on the flight home (cattle class with us ) and all I could think was ‘ She had a daughter who died ,and she doesn’t look too bad’.

Silly ,but it gives me hope

he doesn’t look a day over 47

I know it is a bit late ,but thank you Darren for the fabulous green background and the lovely photos of Rosie (in the matching lime green fleece )

God knows where the first one is taken,but if you look closely ,you’ll notice they are in the back seat of a car and Jacob is proudly wearing his Aston Villa sweatshirt…aah sweet ( as Rosie would say )

The second ,I think , is with Leo and oddly enough the third one I find the hardest to look at, as that day is firmly etched in my mind . Rosie’s face glowed as she walked with The Guides down Boston Road ,as part of the Hanwell Carnival Parade . Sarah and I were stood outside Elthorne park , when Georgina ,Rosie and the rest of the pack went past .

They were so happy .Rosie’s face just lit up when she saw us .

I never walk past that spot without thinking of her , in that dress , holding that placard

This weekend is to be very special John and I are flying to Nice tomorrow to celebrate ( one of the bestest friends a girl could possibly have ) Declan’s 60th birthday in St Tropez.

We are excited bunnies

Andrew has swum amongst them

Just in case you haven’t scrolled back to the 27th June , this is what Jane has just added
”…..HUGE apologies. I have discovered that there ARE whales off the coast – Minke Whales.”

Also , a plea ..My phone has returned form Dorofixitanddelaeteeverything department, so now i only have about 2 numbers on it , and one of those is mine ..
So please can you text or whatsapp me saying who you are and hopefully I can save your numbers

Heaven

Thanks to

Dee, Florence ,Freya, Henry ,Jacob, John , Martin , Ruairidh and Simon ( alphabetical, absolutely no favourites ) for a wonderful holiday .

The Lake District and Scotland are absolutely beautiful and so we tended to make base camp and then just walk , walk ,walk and then do some more walking .
John did some cycling, cycling and more cycling .
And we all ate and drank like Queens , played boules, Cluedo ,Doms, Contract,Mafia ,The Bowl Game, Scrabble .
We swung off ropes, got lost ( when up to our thighs in bog ) jumped off the jetty , hitched a lift with a gamekeeper on his quadbike ( post bog incident ) , but the best bit was swimming in Loch lomond and The River Earn – some of us even bothered with swimwear.

Lots to tell ,but this plays on my mind the most

In the grand scheme of things ,it is nothing ….but my phone has given up the ghost .
No little fizz when I press the on button ,no little flash on the screen , zilch , zero ,kaput …. so I’ve sent it back .
So yesterday I popped into Carphone Warehouse to spend 79p on a little PAYG phone.
The very nice lady ,Shazia, asked me my surname , postcode and then whether I was Rosie or Rachel .
It took a long time to pick myself up from that one

Spanish subtitles- the ultimate in brain absorption

I went to bed last night with a spinning brain .
Not only did Usain Bolt walk, talk , smile, pose for selfies , right next to me …OK about 4 yards away , but I came home from The Athletics and watched the final nail-biting ,( had he ,hadn’t he ? ) episode of ‘ I know who you are ‘.
I’m still in a bit of shock

I know you have heard it before

This time 25 years it was lashing down in Ealing

I know this , as we were in Lammas Park , Rosie had stripped off to nothing and was running around like crazy , I couldn’t catch her ,she wouldn’t come back to me .Eventually Lorna caught her , dressed her , made her laugh and then we all went home

and then …..

in the middle of a finger painting around The Maynards kitchen table ( how right on were we ?) , I went into labour !

At 24minutes past 11 that night , my beautiful , adorable , kind, gentle ,creative little baby ,Florence was born .I love her so very very much .

Funnily enough I knew she would be a girl .

Mum and Dad had had boy ,girl ,girl . Richard and Lise had had boy, girl ,girl , and I didn’t know it at the time but Sarah and Kristian would go on to have boy ,girl , girl .

I cannee wait until next week when we will all be in Scotland and can celebrate together .

I’ve had a golden week

London is a fantastic city isn’t it ? I love it .

I also love nature and the sea and the countryside but this week , thanks to some very generous , kind and creative friends ,has been a huge pile of all good and different stuff in this city .

I’ve see Richard C. and John whizz around the Olympic Velodrome .

I’ve met up with Rosie’s friends and been to Frank’s rooftop bar on top of a multi-storey car-park in Peckham where we ate , drank , saw the most amazing sunset behind the backdrop of the iconic london skyline and were the only table to be given a tray full of vodka on the rocks with sugar-free Red Bull ( it was only the next day i thought ,why didn’t we park the RB and buy some OJ instead )

I’ve seen Grayson Perry’s ‘The Most Popular Art Exhibition Ever !’ ( his words not mine ) .Amazing .

Then last night we celebrated Declan’s birthday by seeing Jesus crucified in Regents Park Open Air Theatre ! I think it was one of the best pieces of theatre I’ve ever seen .Thank you Neal .

plus

I’ve seen a new shrink

And in fear of sounding smug , tomorrow night we are going to The World Athletics

Maude

Jason Watkins ,you will probably know him from W1A, Line of Duty ,Nativity etc .

I’ve written about him before .His daughter ,Maude, died suddenly of sepsis on New Years Day 2010.

Yesterday , he wrote a piece in The Guardian entitled ‘When we hold hands ,Maude is there with us

He has a prominent tattoo on his left forearm; The tattoo spells out his daughter’s name: Maude. His wife, Clara Francis, has the same tattoo, only hers is on her right arm. “When we hold hands,” explains Jason, “we like to think Maude is right there with us.”.

What a lovely thing to do.

The article resonates .It is personal ,honest ,too close too home . He is a patron of CBUK and has campaigned for sepsis to be more widely understood . Even closer to home .

He ends with this

”Time does make a difference, however. “When your child dies, it’s like this massive red dot in front of you,”

“And as time goes on, it’s still right there in front of you, but it gets smaller. But the thing you know is, it’s always going to be there; it will never disappear, and that’s the right way and the only way for things to be.”

D.I.D.

A few people have asked if I’ve listened to this week’s Desert Island Discs .The answer is yes I have .

This week’s guest was Sheryl Sandberg .

She is American, 47 years old, Chief Operating Officer of Facebook , stinking rich , has 2 children …and is grieving .

Her husband ,Dave Goldberg , died suddenly ,two years ago .He too was 47 .

She didn’t say anything that hasn’t been said before , but I guess people sit up and listen as she is wealthy , powerful ,has written a book , is known

But for me ,it is always good to flag it up .Grief , that is , and all the sadness, energy and bewilderment that goes with it .

So I won’t try and re write what she said , I will just share with you the bits I wrote down .I wrote them down because they resonate , affirm ,give me permission ,make me feel less alone

Ok here goes, in no particular order and as I wrote them on a scrap of paper……

profound sense of isolation and being alone

sharing ( with certain people ) brings us closer

focusing on what is real

it is Ok to grieve

it ( the death ) is nobody’s fault

take back joy , we deserve joy.

get out of the home

work can be a lifeline

laugh- it brings light out of the darkness

we have been robbed of our imagined future

dare to dream

Heading east today ,to all things crabby

Thank you for all your words and comments about the programme .

I have thought about it a lot – their sadness , our sadness, Diana, Rosie , the fact they were on the same programme .

Rosie would find this hysterical .i found it moving and odd and surreal . but ,as you know , i want the world to see her , so that is good .

So in times of darkness ,i turn to the wisdom of the one who utters the wisest of words …

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.” A.A.Milne

Nobody notices, but i hold her hand every day .

Love Island only managed 2.6 million

First things first .

We had a wonderful time in Eype, Dorset .The sun shone , the wind blew .Our safari room stood firm , Emerald strutted her stuff ,we went in the sea , ate at The Hive, coffeed and caked at Down House Farm , cliff-walked, Srcrabbled, Dobbled, Dominoed, Broadchurched, pub quizzed ,laughed a lot and thought about the programme. Texts and Whatsapps came through ( when we had a signal ) so we knew John and Rosie were up there – with The Royals .

Then last night John and I dug deep ( I think his digging went deeper than mine ) ,poured ourselves a drink and then watched it . ….

Before a word was spoken , we read

”It is dedicated to all those who have lost loved ones – to young and too soon’

Good start .

Then William and Harry spoke and shared and showed unbelievable empathy ,compassion, sadness and love .They have had huge , heart-breaking ‘if only’ moments. They looked at photos of Diana .That might seem an easy ,everyday thing to do , but in my experience is isn’t .It is dam tough .In those photos your loved one is alive, normally happy and it takes you right back to that moment .You want it back so much ,it breaks you a little bit ,and you have to suffer this without anyone else knowing let alone noticing .

Then it was the turn of CBUK .Kate made an appearance as did Emily and John and Ann .Our hearts stopped . John spoke so well .It was from his heart and filled with love .Then the photo of John and Rosie .John had given Ashley Gething a few photos and that was the one he chose ..happy smiling , we think on holiday in California, all I do know is that Rosie had just come out of the swimming-pool. They seemed to be on the screen for ages- good .I want the world to see her .

They all spoke , the 25 minutes was edited to around 90seconds ,but by the end ,Emily, William,Kate and Ann were all holding the copy of Rosie’s Order of Service that John had given them .Her face was on the laps of the Royals and beamed out to 7.4million viewers in the UK alone.

‘Diana,Our Mother: Her Life and Legacy ‘… with a little bit of John and Rosie

Apart from a dog weeing on my rucksack while I snoozed on the beach , the first mini-break of the hols was fab .

It involved walking over the Kent cliffs from Margate to Ramsgate , eating too much , Scrabble, singing ( the A-Z game, used to keep Jane and I awake for hours ) and all the other usual stuff ..

But this is the big news which I thought you might be interested in ……

On Monday at 9pm on ITV the programme ‘Diana,Our Mother: Her Life and Legacy ‘ is aired .

It will show a clip of John talking to William and Kate about Rosie and CBUK . Amanda Redman is narrating . Ashley Gething , the Producer/director emailed John and told him Amanda was visibly moved as she knew John and taught Rosie for many years at Artists Theatre School.

Unfortunately John and I will be camping in Dorset, Florence will be hiking in Bulgaria and Jacob is in Amsterdam !

So if you see it please let me know what you think…I might even have a signal !

We have mixed emotions about this .

No doubt ,John’s appearance will be brief ,but most of all wishing because of Rosie’s death , John hadn’t had to do this interview , but also glad he had the opportunity to speak

I will sing for her on the cliffs between Margate and Ramsgate

I was just going to tippy type on my blog that I have a proud mother moment take 2 as Florence has some beautiful hand-made chairs in an exhibition in Glasgow.

I was getting in a pickles as I couldn’t find the website on tinternet /I am running late as I’m just off on my first day of the holidays annual cliff walk and night in a pub / the 3 lovely Italian boys wanted to talk ( about the 2 Russians – but that’s another story ) / I haven’t made my packed lunch ………. and then I switched onto Rosie’s website and then the world stopped …

I know I say it every month , but aren’t they the most beautiful photos , and against the yellow- sublime ?

The first was taken in a shopping mall , just north of San Clemente ,California , almost exactly 10 years ago …she is wearing THAT ( my ) top again .

The second was in Tenby – or on a Pembrokeshire Coastal path walk

and the third was an official Oaklands School photo- it may even be a fake tree .

I bloody love her and want her , want her ,want her .

Thank you so much , a wonderful day and I will treasure forever

Near perfect yesterday .Bloody perfect today .

Claire and Bob took us to Chichester for lunch and then to see Fiddler on the Roof , with Omid Djalili ( he didn’t come too , he played Tevye ) .

A foot tapping , tear-jerking , sing alonging ( in your head ) jaw dropping ,,beautiful production , with a story not far removed as to what is happening in the world today

I had Petula Clark’s ‘Downtown’ in my head all day – we couldn’t stop singing it !

It was a near perfect day yesterday as I went to 2 places i have always wanted to go ,only a couple of miles apart .

In the morning we went to Sandham Memorial Chapel .

The chapel is tucked away in the Hampshire countryside and houses 19 canvasses painted by one of my all time favourite artists ,Stanley Spencer .

I love his paintings as they are of ordinary people doing ordinary things , but painted with love, humour, amazing detail and deep spirituality . He painted each one to express his military experience during the First World War .But they are not of trenches and death , but of everyday stuff ..cleaning and washing and nursing .

When something resonates with me, I write it down , others peoples words are so clever and beautiful . He said something like ( I can’t read my own writing ) ”I find spirituality in the everyday busy-ness, washing taps,getting dressed , ironing”

Apart from the ironing , so do I . I continue to get up as soon as I wake and enjoy doing everyday things , such as hanging out the washing , putting stuff away , tidying up , all in silence .For me it is therapeutic . I feel safe, useful and peaceful .Why stay in bed and let my mind go a bit haywire ?

Then in the afternoon , it was Highclere Castle and all things Downton .Role play of the highest calibre

meanwhile…back to the Zulus

It is no secret …

It was reported in The Metro, The Sun, The Telegraph , The Mirror, The Mail ,The BBC, The Yorkshire Post .

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/3964620/busload-of-zulus-perform-war-dance-at-the-wrong-school-after-a-200-mile-postcode-mix-up/

…even ITN didn’t turn up this morning- probably in Hull

A little bit of self reflection

Are you an empath? 10 traits of highly empathic people

1. Crowded places and loud noises overwhelm you, and you crave time alone
2. You get bored easily
3. When people get angry and shout, it makes you feel physically unwell
4. You can tell when people are lying; your gut feelings about people are nearly always correct
5. People often bring their problems to you, and you become emotionally involved with solving them
6. You can’t watch the news because it’s too upsetting
7. You can sense the general mood of a room when you walk in
8. You know how people are feeling before they tell you
9. You are a great listener
10. You rarely say no

i think most people ( me included ) would think they are , as it is not nice to think you’re not .I also wager , we all know someone who is empathic and someone who isn’t …and at certain times ,we give the person who isn’t , a wide birth .

The plot thickens

……..back to the Zulu Warriors…
can’t say too much , just that they hope to make a return visit ,bringing an ITV film crew with them .
I jest not

can you feel it ?

Empathy – nurture or nature ?

A bit of both I guess .

All I know is that I can only spend lengths of time ( more than a cuppa or a stroll ) with people who have bags of it .

Up there with kindness, good listening /non-judgement a deep sense of humanity /humility , it is right up there .

Then last week I read about Empaths .Have you heard of them ?

Apparently an Empath is not merely someone who is capable of common empathy.
”It is someone who is capable of feeling someone else’s feelings in their own body, as if they were their own, in the sense of they can consciously enter into someone’s emotional field and figure out what is going on with them.”

I think I want one.

Lucky Hull

As a child I never liked sports-day because I was rubbish at everything .

But where I work now ,I love it .We dress up , it is fun , we are all in it together , we laugh, we encourage and there is normally a lot of water involved. Everyone goes home drenched .

Yesterday was to be super special as we had made African tribal costumes and 9 Zulu Warriors were coming to run workshops- dance , drumming ,that sort of thing . Except they didn’t – as they went to a special school with the same name as ours …in Hull !

You couldn’t make it up

Sort of New Look meets Primark

Back to the photos …..
1.Our last morning in San Clemente, California – August 2007.
We had been for a swim and went out for brunch .
2. Top of the Rock , NYC. 2007
3. Last day at Drayton with Bethany and Laura , July 2008

The flowery top Rosie is wearing in 1&2 was mine .
It was cheap as chips and made of very thin Indian Cotton .I bought it from a really cheap shop where Abu Zaad now is .
She loved it and I’m glad she did

Just home and I should be doing chores , but i wanted to see Rosie’s pictures .

A big thanks

To everyone at work who let me leave early , leaving my devastation behind .

To the man from the Sri Guru Singh Sabha Gurdwara, who stood in the middle of the road , on the hottest day in Southall for forty years , giving out cups of cold strawberry lassi to passing motorists . We had one each

To Andrew and Lin for letting us gatecrash their holiday .

To the kind people at Caerfai campsite who saved a pitch for Emerald , not only with a 180degree sea view , but directly behind A&L’s mobile home ( a la posh- they have ensuite now )

To The Pembrokeshire Coastal Path for being one of the most beautiful and restorative places in the land .

To Darren for choosing great pics ( just next time please photoshop out my flabby arms !)

We won’t see Rosie’s new pictures til we get back

What do you do when it is scorcheroonie in London and you can’t see the sea ?
…..head for Caerfai Bay Campsite where it maybe 15degrees , but looks directly out over the ocean .
Emerald is packed ,so straight after work tomo we are heading west .
Cannee wait .

this must never happen again

Grenfell Tower , just too sad for words .
It is heart wrenching and impossible to understand the fear ,shock, sadness, trauma and grief those poor residents have experienced .
My heart goes out to them

Jo Cox

I’m still drawn to it – this whole grief thing .
I want to live alongside it ,in it , by it , but in a positive way

That and all that goes with it can eat me up and spit me out , and a lot of my energy goes on not letting it . It’s there for a reason – I love Rosie, want Rosie ,yearn for Rosie .So I never want it to go away .

I do a lot of digging deep and grounding myself and I am blessed with a good life, in an amazing country which allows us freedom and choice …yet grief is ever present in my heart and in my soul , BUT don’t get me wrong , I am happy . Yet however much i try I am drawn to other people’s grief – I really really feel for them .It is not a competition , it is about empathy ,love and hope.

After the atrocities at London Bridge last week , i wanted to copy you into the piece that Brendan Cox had written , but I just couldn’t bring myself to .Today I feel stronger , so here we go …..
‘The attack at London Bridge will not succeed in dividing our communities — but it will cause immense pain that will last for many years and never fully recede for those involved.

Thousands of people will have been traumatised by the events of Saturday night. Those memories will take a long time to fade. But for the families, friends and loved ones of those killed or injured the healing process will take much longer. In some cases their lives will never get back to normal.

After my wife Jo was killed in a terrorist attack last year, the shock was immediate and overwhelming. Friends and family felt powerless to help, but it was their help that got me through it. If you know people involved, here are my suggestions for how you can help:

Tell them you are there for them — but don’t expect a response, they will be deluged. Don’t call in the first 48 hours unless you are close — text or email is better. They will need to call people and don’t want their phones engaged. If you are close, or worry that they don’t have many close friends or family, then please do call them.

Help in practical ways — offer to take their kids out to the park, walk the dog, take food around, mow the lawn. It’s much better to do specific things than a generic “I’ll do anything you want”. They won’t have time to think about what they need or to ask you to do things. The longer you can keep these things going, the better. These random acts of kindness speak volumes.

Hold them. Sometimes there’s nothing you can say. When the tears flow and their body shakes with grief, sometimes the best response is to show that you are there for them.

Make sure they have access to experts: there are lots of organisations out there that provide expert advice and support that continues long after the immediate shock.

Be there for the long term. Their lives will never be the same again but the kindness of family members, friends, neighbours and even strangers is more important than you can know.”

418 seats- imagine that ?

How many times can I hear the words’ strong and stable ‘ before I smash the screen / tune into HeartFM / run for the hills .

So instead of getting all worried and stressy and fearful about today’s election , I think back…to happy times ( for lots of reasons ) , to be precise May 1st 1997.

The sun shone ,Oaklands was closed as it was a polling station , so Sarah ,Michael,Georgina, Natalie,Jacob, Rosie,Florence and I hit West Wittering .We did all the usual Clarke/Dwyer stuff ..paddled, picnic’d ,frisbeed , laughed a lot , stopped at the pub on the way home .

Then there was the icing on the cake- Labour ended it’s 18 years in opposition .

Honey we’re home

We’ve done all things Scandi – eaten weeds, meatballs and chilli liquorice .Wherever possible embraced the Hygge ( could so easily have been arrested ,especially on The T.Bana ) .

I thought Stockholm was amazing , so beautiful .

We rode the ocean waves to Fjaderholmarna and Djurgarden . Saw a photographic exhibition at 1 in the morning , walked the bridges ( not to be mistaken with THE bridge ) . Strolled the aisles of the Systembolaget . Ate weird and wonderful stuff which was cooked at odd temperatures . Gawped at their style . Was impressed with their footwear- all women wear fabulous flat shoes.

But the best bit was being with the fam .

We celebrated Richard’s 68th Birthday at Sophienholm. We barbecued at their summer house ( a bit like The Royals ) . We went to my favourite art gallery in the world, Louisiana ,and saw a brilliant William Kentridge exhibition. We walked, talked, played Scrabble ( in English , can’t cope with all those J’s and an O with a line through it ) , ate communally at Absalom Church , I had a facial , courtesy of my niece ,Victoria , remembered Jane on the 16th anniversary of her death and fell in love ,with the newest member of the family , Elvis .

Missing them all like crazy now .

Both are creative beautiful stuff

Izzy P has confirmed …It was at Alex Juke’s house and she and Rosie had volunteered to make Classy Cocks . I thought I recognised our jug , which was probably full of our alcohol ! .

Saying au revoir for a bit as we fly north to Sweden and onto Denmark . I suggested Jacob filmed us making a re-enactment of The Bridge ( with me as Saga of course ) , he liked the idea so much , he has flown west to New Orleans .Meanwhile Florence is heading not-quite-so-far-west, to the Lochs.

No idea what it refers to . I love it , but it bothers me

Terrible terrible news this morning …

please do not think I am trivialising it by writing about the colour of Rosie’s bedroom walls …but I woke up with her them in my head , as they are the same beautiful blue as the cover page of this website .

So ,why the words

”I will stop dwelling

Yes! Yes Yes ”

Because that is what Rosie wrote on them in her distinctive black pelt tip pen scrawl

I don’t think I have seen the I&R pic before- quite knocked me for six

This month there is…..

Rosie and Oliver ,in August 2006 on The Statten Island Ferry ,NYC, with Oliver looking like he’d rather be on The isle of Wight Ferry .

Rosie ,John and me ,in our kitchen ,celebrating her 18th birthday in 2007 , with Sarah and Natalie peeping over in the background

and then for me , the piece de resistance ,
Rosie and Izzy P, partying sometime, somewhere and both looking so happy , beautiful and joyous .

I wish , I wish ,I wish …but what’s the bloody point

Little Boy Blue

What a tragic story made into a most amazing drama .

I think Sinead Keenan deserves a medal for portraying grief so realistically and powerfully . I felt her pain ,I related to her pain and I wanted everyone to look after her .

But my heart is with Melanie Jones , for your son to die like that ,is unimaginably cruel .

We even got a free panini on the way home

We’ve done all things Dam Dutch .

We’ve eaten the apple pie , tiptoed through the tulips – all 8 million of them in Keukenhof gardens, climbed a windmill , drunk far too much La Chouffe than is good for you , heard Jacob’s latest exhibition piece- a sound bite, gone back and forth on boats ,trams and foot , been to one of the best museums ever ,Ons’ Lieve heer Op Solder ( Our lord in the Attic ) -https://www.opsolder.nl/, exchanged polite good-evenings with our next-door neighbour ( who had forgotten to put most of her clothes on ) ..

then we said good-bye .

Wishing our lovely ,kind,funny, son a happy 29th year . Both Jacob and Florence will probably never realise the joy they bring us .

Arthur

Thank you for Jane for alerting me to this interview with Nick Cave

https://www.theguardian.com/music/2017/may/04/nick-cave-death-son-struggle-write-tragedy.

He speaks as he sings ,poetically , and a bit like ‘ there is no logic in this world’ etc etc ‘ ,this is a brilliant and beautifully written paragraph. It helps me make sense of life , when things happen for which there is no sense

”The idea that we live life in a straight line, like a story, seems to me to be increasingly absurd and, more than anything, a kind of intellectual convenience,” he says. “I feel that the events in our lives are like a series of bells being struck and the vibrations spread outwards, affecting everything, our present, and our futures, of course, but our past as well. Everything is changing and vibrating and in flux.”

On a lighter note , wasn’t the ending of Car Share Series 2 , gutting and so real .

Rhys

‘Little Boy Blue’ – The story is different but the pain is the same .

Never have I seen grief portrayed so tangibly .

Like the death of any young person – so sad, cruel , devastating, shocking .

In no way am I comparing Rosie’s death to Rhys Jone’s , but the weird thing is , that some of the words and actions of his mother ,Mel, have shocked me , as they were so similar to mine .

A dear friend of mine was on holiday when Rosie died , she came round 3 days later . Although that period is a fog ,I clearly remember saying to her ( as I fell into arms in our hallway ) ‘what am I going to do ?’ Mel said those exact same words to her friend . A simple sentence , but a loaded one . I can’t remember her answer , but I know now – hold your family tight , breathe , weep, put one foot in front of the other , only be with people you feel ‘safe’ with and then living and all the practical stuff will follow .

Heads Together

I’ve been meaning to say it for ages , but hats off to Prince Harry for speaking about his grief and mental health .

Twenty years ago I thought it so cruel to make him and his brother walk behind his mother’s coffin , when the whole world was watching them

Of his current focus on mental health, he said: “What we are trying to do is normalise the conversation to the point where anyone can sit down and have a coffee and just go ‘you know what, I’ve had a really s— day, can I just tell about it? Because then you walk away and it’s done.”

LOD

I have found a good way to settle anxious brain- watch ‘Line of Duty ‘.

You have to follow closely and it takes your brain to a lovely ‘safe place .

Don’t want it to end

HHD

Yes Sally they are beautiful photographs ,made even more beautiful on that background colour ( thank you Darren )

The one with Rosie in the pink hat was Jane’s absolute favourite .She had in a silver frame on the shelf of her sitting room .

The second one is in our back garden on Jacob’s 20th birthday .

The third is on a beach near Concarneau, France .

Happy ,happy days

It’s taking me all week to read the paper , any recommendations for a good book ?

In the paper yesterday ,mark one : ’15 ways to support someone who is grieving ‘

I won’t go on , you’ve heard it all before ,but I would like to flag up number 10 , cos I liked it

10. Don’t be afraid to make the bereaved person laugh. Tell them about your day or “silly things” (once you’ve checked in on them) – the minutiae of other people’s lives can be really comforting and momentarily distracting.

In the paper at the weekend , mark two : ‘Life after loss .Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg talks to Decca Aitkenhead .’

Both belong to a club no-one ever wants to join ( this phrase is a bit cliched now – it is used for illnesses, deaths , falling down a ravine and losing a body part etc ) , both went on holiday with their husband and came back with him in a coffin .Their grief is different to my grief , but in someways it is similar . It was sudden , wrong and shocking . But Sheryl’s sentence that resonated with me was ‘ I was not shocked by the anger, not shocked by the sadness .But the self-confidence blow completely surprised me ‘ . I’d never thought about that before , but I think I felt the same . Just walking into a room , let alone something like a party ,would cripple me . I would freeze and try and be anonymous. I didn’t feel safe , just trapped and out of control – what would people say , would they mention Rosie , what if they didn’t – that would make me cross , after all she was all I could think about ? But on a positive note ,that has changed. I feel stronger , more in control, happier ,safer , I feel little stuff doesn’t matter but people matter but community matters , nature matters and I really really do believe in PTS – post -traumatic strength ( she talks of post traumatic growth , which I also believe in ) . I feel I am little stronger , wiser , more selective , and I hope ,above hope , kinder and even a little less crumbly .

the mainland was stunning

Bute was beaut .

Ok it is not like the more remote islands , but it was good for us .

But what was the most beautiful ?…….

The walks, the beaches , the seals, the birds , the air , the sea, the ferries , the lobster ( in garlic butter at Loch Fyne Oyster Bar ), the lochs , the pubs ,the music, the mountains , the lambs , the highland cattle ( although crossing a field full of them , fills me with fear – it’s the horns ) , the standing stones , the beach races , the Scrabble, Dobble, doing the crosswords together and of course the Geocaching

A big thank-you to John,Jacob, Florence, Simon and Anthony for a stonker of a week.

Not in Emerald this time

Samosas, Scrabble ,Campari ( not sure if Bute Co-op sells it and I’m not risking another ‘Class War’ classy cock ) all packed and it’s nearly time for the off .

Wishing you all a happy Easter – although ‘Good Friday is a bit too much about death for my liking ‘, and you may have had an almighty sense of deja-vu reading that ,as I’ve said it before as it is a direct quote from a good friend of mine , who is a devout Christian and whose son tragically died when he was young . So I feel it is OK to say it .If she can ,I can ( and that goes for a lot of other stuff too . ).

In fact talking of empathetic Mrs B. she is the wise old owl who said the one thing that I truly believe and it is so simple ” Rachel , there is no logic in this world , so why look for it ”

432 miles and a Calmac ferry crossing

While London basks in 20 degree sunshine, we are heading north to The Isle of Bute – where it is a steady 10 degrees, with the added bonus of torrential rain .

So I am sticking with Nicola Sturgeon ,who , while visiting California urged Americans to study in Scotland , by saying ” I can assure you our weather’s much more interesting than the boring sunshine you get here ”

I always said she was a wise old bird .

We are being treated to our stay by John Paul Retreats which is a newly created charity set up to help parents and siblings who are trying to cope with the loss of loved ones, either through death or other unforeseen tragedy. The charity was founded by Anthony McMahon, who lost his brother, John Paul, to a car accident in 1984. Anthony’s parent’s suffered greatly over the loss of John Paul and they also passed away in their early fifties.

There is another quote somewhere ( from me ) ” many people who have suffered great ,unexpected loss find that helping other people somehow makes their lives considerably more positive and joyous ”

Minus the cakes

click this now , and you’ll see the new Great british Bake Off line-up

https://twitter.com/iaincarruthers

PS John’s on mopping up duties ,so not in the frame

Rio and Rebecca Ferdinand

Now here’s a fact -Men are only half as likely to get grief counselling help as women are.

I only found that out after watching ‘Rio Ferdinand: being Mum and Dad – a moving account of loss’ . Funnily enough ( stupid expression , it is not funny at all ) , earlier in the day ,John had taken the same steps as Rio , up the stairs and into the offices of CBUK .It was how he we knew the programme was on ,John’s Counsellor had mentioned it to him . And I thank her for that .It was moving and brave and sad and relevant .

Of course his loss ,his wife Rebecca , mother to their 3 young children , is different ,but in many ways ,it is similar to ours .It was sudden ,and both Rebecca and Rosie were young and in their prime .It was cruel and traumatic

He too , took support from meeting up with a group of bereaved, youngish men whose partners had died a while before Rebecca ( I’m guessing they had met before ) . With them he could talk freely about his sadness. It reminded me of how emotionally safe I feel when I am with my bereaved friends .The ‘mind the gap’ moments are virtually non-existent , and they are the least judgemental bunch of people I have ever met .No one cares what ,if any , job you do , what your social life is like etc .Of course these subjects come up , but what matters is support, love, empathy , encouragement and honesty .Believe it or not ,we laugh a lot .In Rio’s group ,Dan made a great joke as they were going round the group telling Rio how their wives died “This is like the shittest game of Top Trumps ever,” . But then it got sadder ,since losing his wife, Dan has also lost the daughter he’s had with his new partner.

Dan’s new partner was also interviewed and she spoke not only of supporting Dan’s son ,but of when she thinks of her baby girl who died at Christmas ”It hurts , it really hurts, it physically hurts your heart”
She is so right . Grief hurts , it is definitely physical as well as mental and not many people ‘get’ that.

Anyway back to the programme , for me was the most moving part was a voicemail Rebecca left for her son Tate from hospital: “Love you loads and loads and loads, sleep in my bed if you want, do whatever you want, run the house … just be a good boy and use your best best best manners, all right?”

It’s not quite ‘The Bridge’ , but I love the Amsterdam architechture

Have you ever had a home-made Walnut Whip ?

No ,nor have I but I’ve seen a photo of a tray of them , on Florence’s phone – made by her own fair hands , and now I could kill for one .

Florence and Jacob jetted/chugged in yesterday for a weekend on Adam’s farm and now they’ve zoomed out again ( with Izzy and to be joined later by more of Rosie’s friends ) for a Swallows and Amazons type Norfolk jolly .So the house has gone quiet …and when the house goes quiet ,so do I and in solace I reach for the chocolate and a cookbook and the Scrabble board, and get the neighbours in .

If this is beginning to sound like episode 3 of the Dutch series ‘The Swingers’ ,you couldn’t be further from the truth .I’ve never seen them play Scrabble.

I named my first doll Dolores , then bit all her fingers off

I am now the proud owner of a little bit of Imelda Staunton.
At today’s Ealing Soupy Fundraising Charity Auction I rejected Jim Carter’s naff entry ,but bid and bought Imelda’s .
She has created a postcard piece of art with a picture of a happy face next to her handwritten words’ Imelda Staunton ‘ and a grumpy face next to ‘Dolores Umbridge’.

I had to google who Dolores Umbridge was .

I’m sure Kirsty’s quote isn’t grammatically correct

This has to be one of the cheesiest quotes ever ,but Kirsty used it on Desert Island Discs ( the last 2 have been great Jimmy Carr and Marian Keyes – but not a patch on David Nott , one of my absolute favourites ) and accredited it to great artists (?)

”Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life”

and to add to that a quote from me

” and art ,along with a bar of lidls milk chocolate with hazelnuts while watching Call the Midwife / Catastophe/The Replacement/ Sky Arts portrait Painter of the Year / The Great Pottery Throwdown / Coach trip- old format , while sipping on a Negroni , makes for a pretty dam dust-free evening ”

ECL- there must be a witty acronym in there somewhere

A friend at work took me to one side today and asked if I’d minded that she had written Rosie’s name on a little card and handed it in at the mass on Saturday . Of course I didn’t mind , I was moved and pleased and touched and lots of other emotions . My friend went as her son also tragically died suddenly at the age of 19 . She bumped into another of our colleagues whose daughter also died suddenly .

We are not alone, we may be a bit lonely at times, but we are not alone .When we see each other at work , we always touch each other . I guess it’s a little physical sign of empathy, compassion and love.

This afternoon

If anyone is interested this afternoon there is a Mass for Bereaved Parents.
I am not going , one mass in a week is enough for me.
But is good to know we are not forgotten .
https://www.tcf.org.uk/content/events/56-mass-for-bereaved-parents-at-westminster-cathedral/

A Mass for Rosie

Thank you Ann H. for organising a Mass last night for Rosie at Ealing Abbey – very moving , very sad, very beautiful .
Thanks also to all those friends and colleagues who came , supported us , remembered Rosie and had a drink with us afterwards .
We were deeply moved and very grateful .

The next bit

To reply- no Gel, I don’t think she has suffered traumatic loss , but has been a grief psychotherapist for 25 years . She co-founded CBUK , was a best friend of Princess Diana and is Godmother to Prince George .
I agree Sally ,that last sentence is mind-blowing .

She also says this :-
Eight ways that family and friends can help

Listening. Be a friend who is prepared to give their time, to listen and to acknowledge the extent of your friend’s loss. Listening is the key. Bear witness, and allow your friend to be upset, to be confused and contradictory, or to say nothing at all. Every time they tell their story once more, or are allowed to say how important the person who has died was, the burden of carrying their pain on their own is incrementally a little lighter.

It’s not about you. Follow the mourner’s lead: they may not want to talk about their grief right now, or even with you. It is good to say something to acknowledge their loss, but then let them have the control they need (they had none over the death), to choose to talk or not. If they ask you to come and be with them, and want to talk openly to you, go. If they truly do not want you to visit, and do not want to deal with it at that particular time, don’t force it on them. Don’t confuse your need to speak or call or be in contact, with your friend’s need.

Acknowledgment. Death isn’t catching, but those who are bereaved might think so, judging by the fear they see in other people’s eyes. People are frightened about whether to come forward, about what to say, about saying the wrong thing – so, in the end, they say nothing. All of that comes from a belief that whatever you say should make things better, that you should have enough wisdom to make the pain more bearable. But you can’t. Nor do you need to. Being kind enough to dare to acknowledge them and their situation is good enough.

Offering to be there if they need you, suggesting that they should be the one to ring you, is probably asking too much of your friend at this time. It is better if you take the initiative and make contact, and then follow their lead: they may want to see or speak with you – or not. Often, people don’t make contact because they feel they don’t know the bereaved person well enough. If you are erring one way or the other, better to err on the side of making contact.

Practical help. Doing practical things is often what really makes a difference. Don’t say, “Let me know if I can help”; actually do something helpful. At the beginning of a bereavement, there may be a lot of people around, so bringing food may be the best thing you can do. Taking food around for longer than the initial crisis is rare, and therefore particularly appreciated.

Honesty. Be honest. Honesty is comforting and easy to deal with. There is a direct cleanness to honesty that cuts through much of the complex messiness of grief, and this can come as an enormous relief to people.

Also, be honest about what you actually can do rather than covering up because you feel guilty about what you can’t. Be specific: say, “I’m going to come round for half an hour” or “I’ll come on Tuesday”; don’t say, “I’ll come whenever you want, tell me, and I’ll be there”, and then find you can’t deliver on that offer.

Be sensitive. While being honest is important, so is being sensitive. Promiscuous honesty is not a good idea. Be aware of showing too openly that your life is trotting along happily, as that can feel like rubbing their nose in your happiness.

Be in it for the long haul. Try to remember to make contact and be supportive after everyone else has gone. Usually three months following the death, people get back to their lives, as they should. But it is by no means over for the person who is bereaved. Sending a text or popping by can be hugely supportive.

Writing. Letters, cards, texts or emails: it doesn’t matter what you write – all are extremely helpful. It is better, however, to say that you don’t want a reply, because some people simply can’t respond. And it is never too late to send them. It is a welcome surprise to receive a card much later, because it is when everyone else has forgotten and your friend is still grieving.

When you do write, try to make it personal and avoid tired cliches such as, “She’s had a good innings” or “Better to have loved and lost”, because they are trite and in some way diminish the personal importance of this very loved person who has died.

You don’t need to go into long explanations of why the person has died or theological explorations about death; just be loving and personal, warm and acknowledging.

Extracted from Grief Works by Julia Samuel


how to live and learn from great loss

Julia Samuel,that name has popped up in my life a lot.

John has met her , my dear friend received counselling from her ,she is co founder of CBUK, something she said on her Desert island Discs really upset me and there she is today on the front of the Guardian’s Family Section speaking very good sense and telling us to talk honestly. This is a snapshot of what she says in her new book ‘ Grief Works ‘ …..

”If you ignore grief and push it down, you can live and even function, but you will live a very narrow emotional life

But there is a paradox at the centre of loss, and it is this. Grief is the most intense pain there is, and we will do anything to avoid pain. So we run away from it; we run away from our own grief, and we run away from others’ grief.

And yet, says Julia, running away from it means we will never recover from it. Embracing it, moving through its agony, and allowing ourselves to just be while it washes over us, is the only way to survive it; because we have to feel the worst of it in order to let it change us, and then we can start to find out who we are going to be in the wake of it.

If you ignore grief and push it down, you can live and you can even function, but you will live a very narrow emotional life because you are using so much emotional energy to cope.

Everything in your psyche will be squashed down, and that means small things can trigger a much bigger kind of effect. The fact is, you have to do the work of grieving. You have to let it run its course. Pain is the agent of change; pain is what allows you to change, it’s what enables you to reach a new reality.”

There are two sorts of loss, says Julia: expected loss ( for example o someone elderly , frail , very ill ) and traumatic loss. ( death of a child ) . At the beginning, and this is especially true of a traumatic loss, the grief is all-consuming: but over time, says Julia, you find you are starting to live again. The mistake some make, though, is believing they can go back to being the way they were.

Some people say, ‘This isn’t going to change us.’ But that’s not how it is: and it’s when you recognise that bereavement is a life-shattering experience, and that you have to grieve and rebuild, that you can move on positively into a new phase of life.

You don’t forget the person who’s gone; you can never do that, and you should not worry that you’re going to. But you fold them, and their loss, into the new person you become; and maybe that, in the end, is the greatest tribute any of us can make to anyone who has died.”

get booking

http://tomclabburnfund.co.uk/2017/03/03/booking-open-for-free-cry_uk-heart-tests-in-ealing-hanwell-westlondon/

And she Smiled

My Mum .
She was no bloody angel , but she used to make me laugh ,cry and could make the best chicken curry in the world . She is also the kindest person I have ever known and I grew up secure with the fact that whatever happened , she would always bat for me …and likewise ,me for her .
I said goodbye to her 5 years ago this morning and the more I think of her ,I realise what an amazing ,strong, funny, caring, selfless ,kind woman she was . For all her worries and demands ,I had a very happy childhood .

Ruth Negga- what an actress

About forty years ago ,when I was in my first or second term at Sheffield Poly ,I was involved in a collaborative , creative project .

Ged, Lee and I formed a group , and between us we made a stop/go animated children’s story and book ‘Oscar the Octopus’ .I did the illustrations, they did the script and all the techy stuff and we spent the best part of 4 Thursday mornings ,pissing about and putting fictional sea creatures in uncompromising situations . .Oh what fun we had .

Roll on to present day …Lee has retired from teaching in a Doncaster Comp . I’m doing what I’m doing ……..and Ged Doherty has collaborated with Colin Firth to form Raindog Films and has produced 2 blockbusters this year ‘ Eye in the Sky ‘ and ‘Loving ‘ .

We all have to start somewhere

Paintings

I’ve done nothing but sleep, eat things with salt in , moan , feel sorry for myself ,get on John’s nerves and watch easy oozy TV this week – can’t even bare the radio ( except Simon Mayo’s Confessions – everything stops for that ) . So today is my first big trip out – wooo wooo . Anyway I digress …my favourite programme to watch – and I’ve caught up on all the series, is ‘Sky Art’s Portrait Artist of the Year ‘.

It has everything – people, art ,skills, processes , beauty ,Joan and Frank , three dodgy professionals who are a bit up themselves etc etc . I am in absolute awe of people who can paint portraits .Then I look round our house and it is full of them – and they are all different and meaningful and in practically every room of the house Rosie is with me . So thank you to Anna, Chris, Holly ,Jo,Stu and everyone who did a square in Rosie’s ‘We Cluster and We Stick ‘, you will never ever know how much pleasure your work gives me .I look at them every day and I love them more everyday , and do you know why ? Because not only is Rosie in them ,but so is the artist .Both souls are there , and that is beautiful.

The Blue Lagoon will still be blue in a year or two

It was all going great til Saturday……..My Valentine’s night threesome was a hit . Dat Likwid Land was the best JPD production to date . The juxtaposition of Mike Pratt’s sculptures next to Jacob’s film made the exhibition quite unique and I just loved it. Seeing Jacob’s friends- fab . Newcastle, what a city – I could live there . Drinks in The Cumberland Arms, Fish and chips at Marshalls in Tynemouth all gastro and comforting.

Then we came back to London and I went down with the lurgy .The lurgy is fine if you are not booked onto a flight to Reykjavik .I saw the emergency Doc and she advised me not to travel …I was just too hot ,too sore,too weak, too runny ( don’t ask ) , so instead of gazing at Gullfoss, snowmobiling on Thingvellir, eating Hakarl and sipping on Brennivin……..I’ve been gazing at my bedroom ceiling, sliding out the sheets , eating cardboard ( or similar ) with Marmite on it and sipping on ice cubes . And now I have the delight of my insurance forms to fill in

A Valentines supper for 3 at The Barrel in Derbyshire awaits

Today we are heading north .
God how I love heading north.
Mind you it is just as good heading east to Amsterdam .In fact any route to where Jacob and Florence are , is a good journey .
So today it is off to my old stomping ground ,Sheffield ,and then tomorrow we rendezvous in Newcastle, Jacob’s old stomping ground … for ‘DAT LIKWID LAND ‘ at Baltic 39

Jacob Dwyer and Mike Pratt

Curiosities and queries about the artists’ practice that arose during a show the duo completed for Amsterdam Art Weekend 2015 will be explored in this exhibition. Dwyer and Pratt intend to use BALTIC 39 as a stage on which to push their conflicting vocabularies in a process that aims to free both works and roles of the artist from their familiar realms. Dwyer’s new film DAT LIKWID LAND will be transplanted from the cinema, into a gallery space designed and filled by Pratt and conceived in the first instance without collaboration. Both set and film will then come together with simultaneous activity and cyclical duration, creating an installation that examines the encounter with the works both in an ‘on’ and ‘off’ state.

Cannee wait til Florence and Simon chug down and we are all cosied up in our Airbnb – I feel really safe then

Finding strength

For me , grief is like dieting .

I read everything there is to read about it ,but of course deep down ,I know there is no miracle cure .

I eat too much ,therefore I look like I do . I miss ,love, yearn for Rosie so much , therefore I feel like I do . There is no magic wand . I am not on a bloody journey ( God, how I hate that expression ) .I am where I am …fat and sad .

But neither stop me from having a good time with kind people ( still not too good on my own – but ask Joan , I never have been ) and even though I love nature, the arts , my job ,travel , food and drink , my home , board games, exploring , I still read everything I can get my hands on about dieting and grief .Stupid isn’t it ? Guess it makes me feel less alone , less of a failure .

So yesterday’s little gem was in the family section . A father was writing about his little girl’s grief . His wife died when their daughter ,Romy, was 6 years old and he was concerned that bereavement seemed too much for a young child .In his words ”Too vast .Too complicated ”. To cut a long story short ,Romy , would not talk about her grief , her father,Carl, worried that his daughter was bottling up her feelings.But when she asked him to ‘make’ Mummy from cardboard boxes ,it was a breakthrough …

I’ll let you read the article , but he closes with this

”Bereavement is a lifetime’s project and as Romy gets older she will doubtless encounter many road blocks on the way .Moments when she feels stuck, emotionally in chains.My hope is that she thinks back to that extraordinary time and finds strength in those memories and her own courage ”

Endorphins don’t last long

Bloody hell , I typed that , walked into the kitchen ,turned the radio on to Liza Tarbuck , and she played ‘Catch the Wind’ by Donovan.
Soon wiped the smile off my face and made me cry

Go

I expect you already knew that laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease,

and that laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain…..

and in my case ,that is an internal , emotional , in my head sort of …..pain / sadness / yearning / plus loads of other stuff which is too tricky to write down .

So a trip on The Duck Bus followed by a visit to see Nick Mohammed ( remember him in The Job Lot ) as Mr Swallow -Houdini, has sent my endorphins through the roof – I feel I can tackle anything ( except sewing or cleaning behind the bed in the spare room )

when will there be good news ?

Happy to say out of 20 MPs who defied their leader in that bloody-should-never-be-having-it-in-the-first-place vote , 3 of them represented Ealing .

Thank you to Rupa Huq,Stephen Pound and Virenda Sharma .

Now all we need is a Wolfie Smith type revolutionary and we could form our own popular front

( all those under the age of 55 ,Google him , followed by the word Tooting , and you’ll get my drift ! )

I knew nothing about West Africa until 3 weeks ago

While Tessie and Stupidman try to work out what their special relationship is , I have formed one of my own …with Angola .

Our four lively Angolan students left yesterday and we shall miss them ,their Uncle Antonio, Auntie Sandra ,baby Denzel and vibrant Sully plus all that they educated us in ……Kizomba and Semba dancing , singing and marching to ”Angola Avante!”/ ”A Portuguesa” , the reluctance to eat vegetables, the beauty of Kalandula Falls , that is polite to shake hands every time you greet someone , that religion is suspicious OR Catholicism is the way .

The house has all gone quiet , which is always hard ,but especially on a Sunday

guess where we are going in half term ?

Turn to page 36 in yesterday’s Guardian’s Guide and you will see

Exhibitions-Five of the best

No.5 BALTIC 39 Figure Four

Now click on http://www.baltic39.com/baltic-39-figure-four/ ……..and scroll down to week five

very proud .

Photos

Yes Sally I agree , the black and white home page photo is beautiful . Rosie is so full of life and energy and joy . I’m not sure who took it and where it is .It could be at The Clarkes- the plantation shutters look familiar ,but I’m not sure about everything else in the room .
After Rosie died , ( apologies in I have mentioned this before ) her friends brought round hundreds of their photos that they had printed especially for us – eight years,one month and five days later and I still haven’t looked at them . That is how heart-broken I am . John has a lot in files on his PC and there are photos on this website and each month Darren chooses 3. So I never know which stage of Rosie’s life I am going to see . It is lovely , hard , but lovely . And weirdly I love the fact that someone who has never met her in the flesh ,yet has come to know her through this website , chooses the photos we all see .

The second one was at Reus Airport and the third was in the winter somewhere . I can tell by the coat she is wearing and her rosy but cold cheeks . She had lovely full, pink, cheeks . And what a smile – so lovely I could eat her .

….part two

The light – not as in ‘I’ve seen the light ‘ , just the light . We went to Cliveden today , and the campanile , the partare , the phallic things in the fountain , The Thames , the maze ,the amphi-theatre all looked so beautiful and misty and atmospheric

La La Land – once I’d managed not to see Ryan Gosling as David Beckham’s younger brother .

Himself by Jess Kidd . Best book I’ve read since Schtum

Return of Call the Midwife

Sprouts still in season

Redchurch IPA

reasons to be cheerful – part one

Yesterday was lovely. I was spoiled.

My favourite ladies were on the early shift at Sainsburys so by 7.30 we’d put the world to rights and I’d done my weekly shop.

Richmond Park looked beautiful,Petersham Nurseries looked shabby chic, was over priced, pretentious, but still the most atmospheric place to have coffee.

Then we’ll skip the bit when I came home and cooked for our four Angolan students.

Next up to town, met the boys and was treated to aperitifs in a club and the then the best Chinese meal ever. Thank you D,N and M .

Then on the tube on the way home our end of the carriage had a bonding session ( not a bondage session, it was all conversational).

The young girl next to me tells the lady opposite that she’s dropped something, I look up and say oh yes it’s a five pound note. Lady opp. picks it up and says it’s not hers and offers it to the girl. Girl refuses, man joins in and suggests lady gives it to charity. I step in and suggest why not give it to the next homeless person you see. . Lady ( still clutching five pound note) says despite Trump and Brexit, we are not all bad are we ? and that we really are nice people….and then we all joined in ,actually spoke to each other and had a universal declaration of our horror for today .

Then we said goodnight to each other and went our separate ways .

Shaping Ceramics : from Lucy Rie to Edmund de Waal – Well worth a visit

Trauma , now there’s a word , it may be short ,but it’s got a dam big meaning .

Some ( although I guess ,hardly any ) people go through life having never experienced it . Others have unimaginably horrendous experiences ,while others have the dictionary definition

trauma -noun
a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.
“a personal trauma like the death of a child”

So why is this going round in my head ?

It could be because

a.I have just visited the Holocaust Exhibition at the wonderful Jewish Museum

b.The 27 January is Holocaust Memorial Day

c I’ve read an article about it ( as usual ) and I want to hope that somehow and in some way ,post trauma I can be more resilient / less fearful / kinder…

So reading this is sort of good and sort of relevant

” Harrowing experiences have the power to crush us , but as research is starting to show, they can also leave us stronger, through a process called post-traumatic growth.

Beyond courage, we all instinctively recognise that tribulations can produce a rare and rarefied commodity:character.It is not the people with enormous wealth who we admire,rather those who have gone through unspeakable circumstances and have come out the other end with wisdom unattainable by any other means.

If resilience is one of the most praised attributes in our world today, we are confronted with an uncomfortable truth: if we want to develop it, we cannot wish away the trials that test and produce it .”
JT MacCurdy

John takes tea with William and Kate

Guess who John had a chat with yesterday ?

here is a clue …..

BBC News- ”The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have visited a bereavement centre to mark its one-year anniversary.

Prince William, who opened Child Bereavement UK’s Stratford centre in east London in 2015, has been the charity’s royal patron since 2009.

The charity supports parents who have lost children as well as helping children who are bereaved.

William and Kate were introduced to staff and volunteers, before meeting families who have used the service.

The duke made a rare public admission about his feelings following the death of his mother, Princess Diana, telling a grieving boy he was “very angry” when she died.

The duke was a teenager and his brother, Prince Harry, 12 when their mother was killed in a car crash in Paris on 31 August 1997.

He spoke openly during his visit to the centre, where he and Kate sat down with families and made memory jars in honour of loved ones who had died.”

Yes ,John was there as he has received ( and still receives ) counselling and support from Child Bereavement UK . Along with another bereaved parent ,Emily , John sat and chatted to William and Kate .

This makes it sound dry ,but it wasn’t .It was lovely and emotional and he got to talk about Rosie , our sadness ,our pain ,our love, our support and to make sure she is spread a little bit more across the land , he gave each and everyone of them her Order of Service .

So maybe somewhere ,someplace ,people may be looking at her and listening to The Kings of Leon, The Lion King , David Grey and Lykke Li.

NYR

New Year-

I don’t like to say ‘Happy New Year ‘ .Sometimes I’m forced into saying it , but I think it’s a pile of tosh .

I last said it with genuine feeling and hope on 31.12.07 , and I really meant it but by 31.12.08 , I was in such a dark hole / place of shock ,I couldn’t even say my name .

……as for New Year Resolutions ,I’ve failed at any one I’ve ever set so this year I’m sticking with Tim Lott who says

”Don’t resolve to do better. Resolve to do what you can.That way lies not perfection,but sanity.”

I don’t like the house when it goes quiet

Because the birds have flown and the house has gone a bit quiet and we have joined The National Trust and we are padlock pockets and so will take every available opportunity to use it ,John and I went for a post- Christmas de-brief/planning walk in Osterley Park today and we both decided Christmas was good .

When you are scared about something and wondering how you will cope , maybe ,just maybe , conscious breathing ,digging deep, being in the moment , keeping Rosie at the side of your head ,where she is peeping in ,but not obliterating the view, really helps . There weren’t too many ‘mind-the-gap’ moments and I have had to come to terms with the fact that most people just don’t seem to mention her or make reference to what a sad time of year it is for us . I am in my bubble and they are in theirs .Anniversaries really do matter and they really do affect me , so December is very very tough . When I wake up on Boxing day ,it is a huge relief. It may sound melodramatic , but I feel ‘I’ve survived ‘ and I can relax a little bit .

So thank you to everyone who fed us ,watered us , played games with us, walked with us ,broke bread with us , popped in and sent lovely words .

And in fear of sounding crass ,I really do hope you have a healthy , happy and safe two thousand and seventeen.

two days later

Lots to write ,but my head hurts too much to type it . I blame that extra shot of coffee late in the evening – nothing to do with the classy cocs, red,white and pink stuff, gluhwein , espresso martinis and something Irish with an icecube in it ( i guess it could have been the icecube ).

Thanks to Rosie’s friends for coming round and exceeding all expectations of our ‘Post Brexit Apocalyptic’ buffet , known affectionately as BAPS .

It was all there- mixed ‘leaves’ , mushroom stroganoff in Yorkshire puds ,French quiche, Italian salad, cadburys Chocolate bread and butter pud ,Pierogi, Amaretto and cherry trifle, German sausage, Marmite mac n’cheese , a cheeseboard to end all cheese boards ,each cheese identified by a little flag bearing their benefactor’s photo- Boris,Nige,Theresa,Angela,Marine etc etc and a table decoration fit for a fascist convention of the local Eastern European ‘leave ‘ party ( I know-odd). In the local Kujawiak Sklep, cans of ‘Brexit’ energy drink were found ( think Red Bull with a logo designed in the same font as X Factor ) ……so adorned with fake gold ivy and Ikea night-lights and placed in the middle of the table,the scene was set for a night of being with Rosie and being together .

Things I’ve learnt –

I can’t lie

People shout a lot when they play Mafia

The bowl game can wait

Things I knew already

Rosie has lovely lovely friends and the best brother and sister in the world

Thank you to everyone who sent flowers, cards, donations, food ,drink,candles, texts whatapps – they ALL mean a lot

In case you are wondering – I am not a spy

For the first time since Rosie died ,I have to work on the 21st December .

I love my job and in respect to my students and colleagues ,I cannot talk about it .So working that day is what it is .But , thank God Jacob and Florence will be home and so I can wrap my arms around them and we can all be together with Rosie in our hearts and heads .

This is about a hundreth of the actual conversation

You never never know what people have gone through , are going through. We tend to scrub-up well and present ourselves as ‘pretty together ‘ even though my pathetic attempt at scrubbing-up means brushing my hair and putting my lipstick on albeit never looking in a mirror .

So this morning’s routine took a funny turn . By 6.55 I was at Geoff’s getting my friend some flowers .By 7am I had my trolley and was in Sainsburys and by 7.35 my stuff was on the conveyor belt and I was being checked-out by the lovely Harpreet , who I noticed was wearing a brace on her left hand and wrist . So the conversation goes something like this …

Me ( after this know as R ) : Oh dear what have you done to your wrist ?

H: I’ve been in pain for sometime and the specialist has told me to keep it strapped up , to see if it improves.

R:It can’t be easy doing this job , it is so physical and so busy at this time of year .

H: I know ,plus I have to do everything at home as my husband passed away 4 years ago .

R:OMG how awful , how old was he ?

H: He was 54 and suffered a brain haemorrhage while on his early morning walk

R: What a terrible thing to happen and what a shock for you .

H: Yes, I think he was in shock as earlier that year our daughter had been in a bad car accident in Birmingham and had spent a few weeks in ITU in The Q.E. and he could never talk about it .

Are you looking forward to Christmas ?

…At this point , I crumpled , started to cry , couldn’t speak, couldn’t see and just wanted to hug Harpreet . Of course it wasn’t about me . But when your sadness is just under the surface , only a smidgen of empathy, makes it come bubbling over .

By the time I’d left the store , I had told her about Rosie , we had shared photographs and the woman next in the queue had given me her packet of paper tissues

Nativity!2

My friend (whose daughter also died of streptococcal septicaemia ) passed this on to me .
It is the actor ,Jason Watkin’s ,post on Facebook

”Christmas is almost here; As you know, it’s a difficult time for my wife Clara and our family. On New Years Day, six years ago, we lost our beautiful, impossibly precious daughter Maude.
She died of Sepsis, just two years into her life.
I have entertained millions of children in the Nativity! films. But the one child I would love to make laugh and see her Daddy be silly and funny, is not here.
Nativity! 2 is being shown on Saturday on BBC2 and is dedicated to Maude. Please look for her name at the end of the movie. But there is another way you can remember Maude. Today, NHS England is launching a Public Awareness Campaign to spot the signs of Sepsis. The early diagnosis of Sepsis is crucial. If it the signs of Sepsis were known within the community as a whole and the Health Service, then Maude would not have died. And she would be sitting, curled up on the sofa with her Mum and Dad, her brothers and sister, watching her Father and his friends, make her and so many other children laugh.
I can’t tell you how much I wish that could happen…
Please look out for Tweets today from @UkSepsisTrust and Retweet like crazy and please share this post. And stop another family from suffering such impossible loss.”

Rosie’s Day

Today is Rosie’s 27th Birthday .

Thank you to everyone who sent flowers, donations, cards ,texts ,whtatapps,emails and love . All your words and gifts and stuff matters . It means she is not forgotten , we are not forgotten.It makes the day different .

I oh so wish we could have been with Jacob and Florence , or they could have been together , but this year ,it just was not possible . So …..Florence went walking in Ardchullarie , Jacob went walking in Den Haag and john and I went up to The Isis – we had the best visual landscape ever – The Royal carriage and 8 horses rode past , The Parakeets were all around us , Jo public were smiling and we were blessed with a private falconry display by 2 guys and their 2 Harris Hawks who were employed by Kensington Palace to keep the pigeons at bay – amazing .

Tonight we have been invited to some friends house for supper , and we have agreed with Jacob and Florence that at 7.30 we will all raise our glasses to Rosie . Feel free to join us .

I send her all the love in the world

Sorry for churning out all this cut and paste ,yet well -meaning stuff .

I think as the years go on , my loss for words increases and in certain situations , especially at this time of year , I could quite easily go and hide in a cave . So if I sound tired, boring and repetitive , I apologise .

Then I hear someone speak that touches a nerve . They say stuff I think , but in a much better , more expressive way .

This time it was on Monday’s ‘First Dates’ . You”ll be relieved to know it wasn’t Fred , but Charlie from Brum who was on a date with Tania ( I think ) .

Charlie’s Mum had taken her own life the previous year .

When talking to the interviewer about the person she would like to date , she said

”When something brutal like that happens ,you have to detach yourself and kind of let it settle in pieces, bit by bit .

I’m not asking for someone to fix me but I’m just asking for someone who understands that maybe the way I look at the world isn’t the same way as everybody else does”

I’ve found it to be a very special sort of person who can understand that .

Wise words I received from TCF

When your child has died, Christmas can be unbearably difficult. The whole world seems to celebrating, everybody appears to be obsessed with preparations, which seem to go on for weeks. These confront us at every turn –in shops and streets, on TV, radio, in magazines and on the web and social media. We often feel alienated, isolated by our grief.

As we contemplate Christmas –especially in the early years of our bereavement – we wonder how we will survive. It is normal for parents to feel they just want to ’cancel’ Christmas. It is a time to be with family, and the enormous gap left by the death of our child is intensified. Christmas cannot be the same as it was because our family is not the same – not complete. If this is the first year, it will be painfully different from previous years. We may find the anticipation and stress of what we ‘should’ be doing very hard to deal with. Do we decorate the tree, send cards, give presents, attend a place of worship, join in the festive meal, go to a family party? For younger children especially, do we continue with important traditions of trips to the shops, the decorations, a pantomime, and a visit to see Father Christmas? Many bereaved parents find the run up to Christmas – with all the accompanying anticipation– can be more difficult to cope with than the actual day itself.

We hope that some of the ideas below might help and support you as you prepare for the holiday season…

  • Don’t allow other people to dictate to you how you should get through this extremely difficult time of year. Don’t feel you have to go to the office party or festivities with friends/extended family if you can’t cope with them.
  • Sometimes we don’t know what we will feel like doing until the last minute. Don’t feel you have to have a plan. Tell people you will decide on the day and you will come if you feel up to it, but may well not be able to.
  • Let close friends/family know that you are struggling and need to be able to talk about your child at this important family time.
  • Tell people that you need to have your child acknowledged by others at Christmas – to see their name in a Christmas card or to remember them with a toast during the Christmas meal means so much, but many people would be scared of doing this unless you tell them.
  • Within the family try to talk to each other, about how you are feeling, or what you all might want to do. Thinking and talking together can help us to prepare ourselves for Christmas, and sometimes when these plans do go right, the day can bring surprising comfort to us.
  • If you have young children in the family be aware that they might wish for Christmas to carry on as before – although this can be enormously painful for you, for surviving children the normality of Christmas celebrations can be a comfort
  • For parents who have lost their only child or all of their children, Christmas can be an especially painful, particularly so if there are no grandchildren. Christmas is generally recognised as a family time and for parents without surviving children this can be extremely hard to bear. For such parents it can be difficult being with other families at Christmas and yet the alternative – being alone – can be equally hard to bear. Whatever these parents choose to do, it is vital that their child or children are remembered.
  • Some people don’t send cards at Christmas any more. Others like to include their child’s name – for example – “Love from X x and x and always remembering xx”. You can also ask others to include a similar sentiment on any cards they send you. A small gesture which can really lift our hearts.
  • Don’t put too much stress on yourself. If there are difficult relations who expect to visit or for you to visit them, just say you can’t do it this year if it’s going to make you feel worse. Or introduce a time limit – “We’ll come over for a quick drink but will only stay an hour.”
  • Develop a Christmas ritual involving your child – attend a candle lighting service with other bereaved parents; spend time at a special memorial place on your own or with others; make or buy a special card or decoration for your child.
  • Spend time with people who understand. Avoid those who don’t.
  • On the day itself, make time for yourself to escape if things are too much. A walk outside can really help ease tensions. Or take yourself off for a long warm bath.
  • If you can’t cope with the idea of Christmas at all, go away and do something completely different. (Be aware, though, that sometimes being away from supportive friends or family can be more difficult and the jollity of strangers may be painful)
  • Volunteer for a charity helping the homeless or elderly over Christmas. This can be some small distraction and you are doing good too.
  • Try to take some gentle exercise every day – really helps boost those much needed endorphins.
  • Be aware that the New Year celebrations can also be difficult. The coming of a new year can feel like we are moving ‘further away’ from our child and the celebrations of others, wishing us a ‘Happy New Year’, can intensify our yearning and grief. We can feel isolated from the celebrations and happiness of others. Acknowledge these feelings to yourself and others close to you, and perhaps plan the evening of December 31st – whether that is to be alone, or with close, understanding friends who will allow you to be yourself and remember your child at this poignant time of year.

After the death of our child, the Christmas holidays will have shadow, a yearning for what might have been, an added poignancy. However, we do survive these days, difficult as they are. What matters is that, as far as possible, you are able to do whatever feels right for you, and eventually be able to carry the loving memory of your child with you into future Christmas-times.

Little things keep me very happy

This day 70 years ago Grace Joan Brown married Geoffrey Ambrose Brown .

They produced 3 little Browns .

The first was tall and sporty and played volleyball for England .

The second was little and beautiful and charmed everyone who met her .

The third was known as ‘green eyes greedy-guts ‘

Cannee wait for the final episode of ‘The Missing ‘ tonight . Anyone else find Tcheky Karyo rather attractive ?

It is not a lecture ,just some wise words

I don’t think we are very good at listening .

We jump in , we talk about ourselves , we don’t think , in fact half the time, we don’t really listen .

Sorry if that is a huge fat generalisation , but on a personal level ,I have found it to be true ….and I am just as guilty .

Since Rosie died, my pain is so big ,my heart so broken , that I am very careful who I expose ( in an emotional way ) myself to . I never cease to be shocked by inappropriate comparisons, lack of empathy, the pretence that nothing has happened .It has been a very steep and painful learning curve .

So yesterday these words on the page ,jumped out at me

How to listen to a friend who is down

The first step, Pam the trainer says, is being aware of the barriers. If your friend is feeling low, even expressing sympathy can get in the way. “We think it’s helpful to say, ‘I know exactly what you mean, I went through something similar…’ but that’s you talking about your own feelings, rather than allowing your friend to tell you what it’s like for them. When a person wants to express their pain, your experiences aren’t relevant to them.” A similar, common mistake is to leap to offer advice before being asked. “Giving advice is not listening, and often it’s not helpful,” Pam adds. “It shuts people down. If you feel a responsibility to fix your friend’s problems, relinquish it.”

The hardest habit for some to break was the instinct to turn the conversation round to the positive. It can take a while to understand that if a friend is in a dark place, the most compassionate thing we can do is to climb down into that place and sit with them for a while. “If a person trusts you enough to talk about their distress, trying to cheer them up is like shutting them up – you are dismissing and trivialising their feelings,” Pam says. “Give them the space to say how bad they feel and stay with it. Swerving away from it, talking about a silver lining, can signal you don’t want to hear it.” Focus on your friend and their words. Thinking too much about your responses can be detrimental. “Sometimes, my mind’s whirring and I’m so busy thinking about what to say that I leap ahead,” Pam explains. “So I make a constant effort to calm my mind down and tune into what is being said.”

It is possible, when you know how, to say a lot without saying anything at all. “Just being a calm presence can give someone the trust and confidence to open up to you,” she says. Your body language should look engaged, perhaps leaning forward, and be open to making eye contact but also sensitive to people who might find it unnerving. Adopt a soft, caring voice, but beware, Pam warns: “There’s a fine line between sounding warm and gentle, and sounding patronising and pitying. Don’t talk down to anyone, just show genuine interest.”

Your most important tool, she says, is silence. “Don’t be afraid of silence; learn to hold it. Although it may feel uncomfortable to you, it won’t to them. They’re working through painful thoughts and feelings, so don’t rush them. People will start opening up if you don’t interrupt.”

Winter drawers on ……..

We are going away for the weekend …albeit back for Soupy Sunday .

You know those themed 70’s weekends held in Minehead Butlins Holiday Camp – where there is plenty of eating ,drinking , dancing , swimming , dressing up etc etc …with people who like the same sort of thing .

Well this is sort of similar , except there is no Butlins and no live music BUT there is Emerald and Vilma and thermal underwear and Scrabble and walking boots and a de-iced portipotti , plenty of pubs … and anyway what is wrong with camping near the edge of a cliff in Eype ,Dorset , on 2016’s coldest weekend since February 11th ?

In all the madness, a chink of sanity

I read an odd sort of article yesterday about two friends taking a road trip from London to Weimar in a Trabant.

Are you gripped ? I doubt it ..

The reason it interested me was the two friends were Will Self ( height 6’5”- the same as my brother,Richard ) and Michael Shamash ( height 3’5”- my sister Jane was 4′).

Will Self wrote ”Michael is a person of restricted height.This is a description he wouldn’t object to; small person is also acceptable ; dwarf, just about. Midget never ; it is the N word of the restricted person’s vocabulary, and should be of yours as well .”

At last someone has said it .

Makes more of a farce of it

Obviously these are not my words ,but straight from tinternet:-

Before making sweeping statements about what Donald Trump’s Election Day victory says about everyday Americans, consider one fact: Only about one-fourth of Americans eligible to vote actually voted for him.

According to the US Elections Project’s count so far, only about 56.9 percent of the voting-eligible population cast a ballot on Election Day. That means 43.1 percent of people eligible to vote just didn’t. (The voter turnout rate will increase over the next few days as the final votes are tallied.)

It also means that Hillary Clinton, based on the latest estimates, got a little more than 27 percent of the voting-eligible population’s vote, while Trump got just 27 percent. (Trump won the Electoral College but may have lost the popular vote.) So a little more than a quarter of the voting-eligible population chose the next president.

This isn’t a total anomaly in US elections. Voter turnout has been fairly stable over the past few elections, hitting 55.3 percent in 2000, 60.7 percent in 2004, 62.2 percent in 2008, and 58.6 percent in 2012, according to the US Elections Project. So President Barack Obama and former President George W. Bush also won their last elections with around 30 percent of the voting-eligible population — not a huge difference from 27 percent.

The Missing – a question

Did I miss something in ‘The Missing ‘ ?

Present day ( not to be mistaken with 2014 , long hair , no burns etc ) – the young copper identified the 3rd girl on the roller coaster , phones her parents and ………..then turns up at ‘that’ man’s ( a family friend ) house .

Please tell me what made him go to that house ?

The world has gone mad for it to have gone this far

This time roughly ( November 4th 2008 ) eight years ago ,all was well with the world.

Everyone in 106 ,including Kiri our American student, were celebrating Barack Obama’s victory .

Rosie and Florence were celebrating catching Kiri red-handed pinching food out of our fridge .

Girl’s Aloud were No.1 ( who cares ?).

Now it’s all gone tits up and I ‘m a bit scared – I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and hear a rich , racist ,sexist,perverted,bigoted madman is fronting one of the most powerful countries in the word…. and I thought Brexit was bad enough

Good Food for Good Causes

Some good has to come out of all our sadnesses doesn’t it ?

Otherwise what is the bloody point .

So another family whose 14 year old son ,Felix ,died suddenly of meningococcal septicaemia in July 2014 , have set up The Felix Project

http://www.thefelixproject.org/

Breaks a little bit more off my heart when I read about him

..because you can’t just splurge onto the page ,you have to construct a structure of the experience and so it will let other people in…..

There is no way I consider myself a writer .

I just like to write – be it my diary , a shopping list , on this odd little blog etc.. I like paper,pens,words, symbols .I think they are beautiful

And then I hear a real ,proper,poet speak and it makes sense to me why I write .

Last week on Desert Island Discs, Jackie Kay said ( in a much less clumsy way that I am writing it )

”The more traumatised we are about something, the more we want to tell the story, or we would be silent. Writing is one of the ways of expressing the inexpressible.

Love defines us and gives us identity and love is what makes us strong .We are often shadowed in our life by losses, we have lost people in different ways and so strange loss becomes a presence , absence becomes a presence. Writers write to try and grapple with the presence that absence makes ”.

Sounds like a ditto but it’s not

Third day ,and today it’s Ibiza to The Norfolk Broads .
John got excited when he read it on the calendar and thought we were going on a cruise ,only to find out , it’s just me and I’m off to see a one man performance about David Bowie.
Hope he sings ‘Five Years’ , Rosie’s and my ,belt it out in the car, favourite .

Ditto

Second day of the holidays and because it was so hard to see the sea through the mist,rain and low cloud of Burton Bradstock , I’m giving it a second shot and hitting West Wittering

an email from Sally- It says it all

Dear Rachel

Sending you love on Jane’s birthday and, of course, thinking of her heaps. Alastair and I are sitting here chatting about her and I’m reminding him of stories about him and Jane that happened when he was so young he doesn’t remember.

I can hear her laugh ringing in my ears.

Somehow it seems incredibly appropriate that she shares her birthday with the anniversary of Jean Batten landing her little plane here in Auckland after flying all the way from the UK – another British woman with determination, tenacity and a strong sense of self.

Hugs and much love

Sally xxx

Remembering Tom and Claire

http://tomclabburnfund.co.uk/2016/10/13/november-ealing-cry_uk-heart-screenings-fully-booked/

If you are local and between 14 and 35 , book your screening …
please

I even spiralised the carrots

It’s been a bit stressy and a bit near to teary here tonight .
Three italian students were due to arrive this afternoon .Two did, one didn’t .
The one that didn’t ,didn’t ,as within one hour of being in London he had lost his rucksack containing his Mac-Pro,his money ,his ID card and some other stuff .
Poor lad , I felt proper sorry for him when he did eventually turn up ( with his teacher ) for his home cooked rigatoni ragout – which he didn’t eat

Not quite ‘Hello’ ,but getting there

It’s not often you get mentioned on a website , but i have and i think I might be heading for the big-time …move over Brandgelinakardashiankanyaandbros , forget your tweets and your your offyourface-book and get clicking onto the hip and happening

http://www.dairydiarychat.co.uk/

You’ll all be ditching your electronic diaries and ordering one of these next week

( I think that is how Filofax started )

from our house to Terminal 5 , Departure Lounge, Heathrow Airport in 55minutes- a record ( all on public transport )-

Turning back the clocks big-time is dangerous. I try not to do it ,but of course ,I do .

This time 10 years ago we were glowing after a trip to beautiful Sri Lanka, Jacob, Rosie ,Florence and I were still at school , John’s 50th bash had gone well , maggotgate was forgotten. All was good with the world .I can’t even go there .

But…turning back the clocks to a week ago and wishing I was back there is fine ( sod the Mindfulness ) .

Thank you Declan ,Neal and Dottie for the most amazing mini-break . We loved the not-so-early-morning swims in the sea,the walks , the all day swims in the pool , the walks. the talks, the beauty of your house and garden, the sunshine, the Scrabble , the sun-downers on the beach , the food, the drink – just EVERYTHING.

Plus I finished the best book I have read in ages – Shtum by Jem Lester

Plus I watched last night’s ‘A World Without Down’s Syndrome ?’ with a heavy heart .My only criticism of the programme was that it only showed high functioning people with D.S. I hope it has made people think , this is not and can never will be a perfect world and I am glad I am part of a community where all people are valued .

Somehow they always manage to get butt naked – adds to the fun

It continues to be a huge challenge to keep sad/ dark/ distressing thoughts out of my head .

At times my head hurts cos I am trying so hard to keep positive/light/joyous ones in .

My sifter gets rather clogged at times.

So i would like to say a huge fat thank-you to Aitor Basauri , Stephen Kreiss,Petra Massey and Toby Park for giving me 2 hours of pure joy and laughter on Saturday night .

These four hugely talented ,funny, brilliant actors make up Spymonkey and for the people in Shoreditch Town Hall they performed all of Shakespeares’ 76 deaths in just 2 hours.

Pure genius.

It mentions football and food a lot

Georgina ,you’ve made me laugh so much – not so sure if it is about the sniffing or you secretly reading Rosie’s notebook .
Funnily enough I have just stumbled upon a diary Jacob wrote when he was 10 . On about every other page he writes ‘Mum, I know you are reading this ,so please don’t.’
The joke is I have never seen it before in my life !

How to have a seaweed bath

Let me explain …
you pay 20 euros ,go into a tiled room with nothing but a mat ,a towel ,a clock , a polite notice asking you to be quiet and a bath .You lock the door strip butt naked and get into the steaming bath filled with freshly picked seaweed and hot water . You then nearly break your neck getting out as the bath is so slippery .
What you do do is lie back ,relax and soak in the most amazing natural oils and come out looking like an Irish Adonis ( Me and Florence ) .
What you don’t do is …not add cold water and emerge looking like a freshly boiled Kerry lobster ( Jacob )

A lovely lovely weekend

I still carry a linen handkerchief in my pocket at all times……. mainly because I cry a lot , I cannot bear people sniffing ( especially those big globular ones ) and so I try never to sniff , it is a bit of a comfort blanket ( I squeeze it when someone says something particularly thoughtless ), I spill a lot of stuff down myself and finally ,tissues make my nose sore and are a pain in the butt when you wash them in your trouser pocket .

But today ,even though my hanky has been through 2 hot washes , it is stained yellow and I know the culprit – Saturday night/ Sunday morning’s gourmet dinner of chips, cheese and curry sauce …bought from a stall and eaten on the hoof while walking down Market Street ,Listowel County Kerry .We know how to celebrate a big birthday .

As you know space is precious when you fly with Ryanair so packing it was a godsend .

It was used for

Wiping away happy tears when singing along with a packed bar to ‘Whiskey in the Jar ‘/ meeting the relatives / visiting John’s Granddad’s house / being able to sing the Lidl and Aldi song , having been in THE Lidl and Aldi and stood in the exact spot it was sung in John B Keane’s Bar / placing a bet on each of the eight Listowel races and winning on four of them / having a late night jig to the twiddly diddly dee live music.

Wiping away sand ( John and Jacob ) after they helped push a car which was stuck in the sand ,with the tide coming in ,off Ballybunion beach .

and

Wiping the sweat off my brow and the oil off my hands as I got out of the seaweed bath .

and

Covering my mouth in shock when the guy at the turnstile charged me a pensioner’s price to get in to the races

and

always for when I shed a little tear saying good-bye to Jacob and Florence .

Watch this ,it is good …..

Because he’s worth it

We’re leaving on a Ryanair jet plane .
For John’s big birthday bash
The Emerald isle and the Listowel races awaits .
along with the loosing of lots of cash .

pants poem but an excited heart

If you happen to be in Paris ……

http://www.wallpaper.com/art/kate-mccgwire-gentle-sculptures-at-la-galerie-particuliere#HG8g586eyCBPXZeX.01
Very proud to read this in Wallpaper

Very grateful to be taken on The Watercress Line for a birthday treat – you can’t beat a steam-train, a picnic and a river walk .

Very moved to read the review of Nick Cave’s film ‘One more time with feeling’.
A film that ,at first, the film seemed a straightforward account of the creation of his new album ‘Skeleton Tree’, but then turned increasingly into a direct relation of what his family has suffered since the devastatingly tragic death of his 15year old son ,Arthur , who died falling from a cliff near their home in Brighton ,last summer.
The one thing that Nick Cave said which rang so true was ‘people offer a greeting card-size platitude,he lives on in my heart-he is in my heart but he doesn’t live at all’
I feel his pain just reading that

We did go

We went to see Justin Welby speak last night – and very well he did too.

He is funny, articulate, engaging ,and honest .

He spoke of his relationship with the press, the shock news that the man he thought to be his father – isn’t, his families’ problems with mental illness, his daughter’s depression and of course, his faith .

The main gist of his speech was when you are caught in a storm , where is the best place to be ? Not trying to get out of the storm ,but in the thick of it ,in a boat -with Jesus. That is fine if you believe in Jesus .Sadly, I don’t .

Afterwards we spoke to him and he is really lovely . I told him of one of my ‘bibles’, ‘Religion for Atheists ‘ by Alain de Bottom , and although he had heard of it ,he hadn’t read it , and so now, I am going to send him a copy

The Autumn Term

This summer’s been good .

We’ve been to Whitstable, Walberswick ,West Wittering , and a few other places that don’t begin with W – Amsterdam, Basselthwaite, Arrochar, Loch Long ,Luss, Glasgow ,Eype .

We’ve swum in the sea and the loch , we’ve made fires on the beach , we’ve walked over cliffs and up mountains ( other people call them hills- I don’t ) , we’ve seen a submarine ( a first ) and seals and dolphins , I’ve been to the osteopath and the physio ( don’t ask ) , we’ve barbied and partied and scrabbled and celebrated John’s big 60 …and now it is countdown to the new term .

I don’t mind going back to work , I like structure , my students and colleagues , and after all it is my 26th year at the same place .It is just this term I have a problem with . Why does my head keep taking me back to this time 8 years ago ?. Jacob at Newcastle , Rosie just about to start Chelsea, Florence at Drayton , me in my 18th year in Hanwell , John considering what to do next ,Grandmama in Brigstock Manor ….life was good , we were happy ,things were calm .I’m not stupid ,I know I can’t have that back , so why does my head go over it ? I repeat my mantras , be in the moment , move forward , have another bit of chocolate , chop some vegetables , go for a walk – but the only thing that works is positive distractions- helping people ,being with kind people, watching Coach Trip , thinking of where to explore next .

Then there’s tonight .Justin Welby is speaking in Ealing .Shall I go ? I would like to hear what he says – but only if it is not too heavy on the religion ( which is a big ask seeing as he is the Archbishop of Canterbury ) . I am interested in the personal stuff – the death of his first daughter ,Johanna, when she was less than a year old .On desert Island Discs ,I thought he spoke very well. Talking about anniversaries of his daughter’s death he said: “The thing is to celebrate the person, to remember them with love, to remember what they gave and what you gave them.“In other words, attack the day so it does not attack you.”- wise words indeed .

It all sounds so easy in writing ,but you can probably tell by muddly words , I am a little bit at sea

Today is John’s Day

Some days are very happy , some days are very hard , but milestones have a tendency be very sad and tricky .

I feel I am meant to be upbeat , joyous , but when your heart is broken ,that takes a lot more effort and cranking up of an inner- self-positive-energy-life-force. Quite frankly ,it is knackering

So the three of us are heading for the hills and setting off for Dorset .

We have Jacob, Rosie and Florence in our heads and hearts and the huge,huge,pile of love we have for them just keeps us agoing and happy .

A very kind and insightful friend sent me this poem .

Today it is for John on his 60th Birthday

“How do you do it?” Said night
“How do you wake up and shine?”
“keep it simple & repeat” said light
“One day at a time.”

Lemm Sissay

We LOVE West Wittering

It was too good to be true…..and now her protest has begun .

Emerald refuses to open her back door , but that is not stopping us …we are going to the seaside.

To the place where Helen and Rosie panicked when their blow-up canoe tipped over in 3inches of water -I recall the whole beach heard them .

I think that was the time before we lost Tim on the beach and were just at the point we were about to panic.

Or maybe it was the time after Florence,Rosie and Helen did a car-park-field-disco ,using CDs in the car and when it was time to leave ,the car battery was flat and we had to wait an hour for the RAC – Mr Farmer was not happy .

Or the time before when we were the last last to leave ( as we mislaid a quoit and were looking for it ) and had to pay Mr Farmer a £10 fine .

Thank you Andrea ps John and I visited Luss Church and both said ‘what a beautiful place to get married’- how weird is that !

I returned to this lovely email….
”Hi Rachel,

On Friday Maggie and I came to London for the day-(I know….who would visit London on a Friday in august??!!)

We went to Buckingham Palace to see a few of the Queens clothes-amazing but sooo busy and had decided to have the afternoon in Kew Gardens. Time ran away with us so we couldn’t make it but both of us decided we wanted to be out and about in the fresh air so went to Kensington Gardens and then on to Hyde Park.

By chance we came across the Isis sculpture and I remember reading that Rosie had a plaque there. I told Mags her story and we searched for her name which she found.

We just had a moment-a quiet thought- just me and my daughter and a little smile at the wording you chose-particularly lovely as we have a Maggie Grace.

As I didn’t know Rosie I didn’t think it appropriate to write on her blog about our visit but wanted you to know that on Friday afternoon you were all in our thoughts….

Andreaxx ”

I checked with Andrea it was OK to cut and paste this onto Rosie’s blog, and so I have , and please never ever feel it inappropriate to right on this blog – I always like to know she is being thought about

the real big five being,African lion,African elephant,cape buffalo,African leopard and rhinoceros

A treble wammy –

Emerald performed,behaved and did over a thousand miles without a hint of a tantrum.

The exhibition was amazing – I was so proud I had a little weep .

While gazing out over Loch long ( we found the binoculars on the last day ) , between us ( Florence,Jacob,Simon,John and I ) spotted three out of the BIg five

dolphins,seals and a nuclear submarine- I jest not

To be sung to the tune of ‘Leaving on a jet plane’ , first thing tomorrow morning

All our bags are packed
We’re ready to go
She’s parked up there outside our door
I hate to start her up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin’
It’s early morn
Emerald’s waitin’
She’s blowin’ her horn
Already I’m so worried
I could cry ( or wet myself )

So fire up and rev for me
Tell me that you’ll not blow out for me
Road-hold me like you’ll never let me go
‘Cause we’re leavin’ in our Emerald
Don’t know when we’ll be back again
Oh babe, I can’t wait to go….to Scotland

There’s so many times I’ve put you down
So many times I’ve played around ( with your big end )
I tell you now, they don’t mean a thing
Every campsite I go, I’ll sleep in you
Every song I sing, I’ll sing for you
When I come back, I’ll bring ..a case of Iron Brew

.Yes the time has come …we are off to see hills,lochs,mountains and of course -the BIG one

“Making the bed, Laying the Table’.

http://www.glasgowsculpturestudios.org/exhibitions/katie-schwab/

I’m continuing with my summer holiday plan- doing nice stuff with kind people- Watts Gallery yesterday, Walberswick today.

Don’t you just love Jacob’s fleece ?(I bet not half as much as he did . )

I think that photo was taken about this time of year in around 1998 on one of the days it didn’t rain ,when we were Keycamping in The Dordogne .I seem to remember ‘Mr Hankey, the Christmas Poo’ featured rather heavily that holiday .

I’m pretty sure Rosie bought that grey maxi skirt in Copenhagen , when Lise showed enormous patience when taking her shopping .Rosie was VERY picky and took ages to decide on anything .We clashed a lot when shopping – maybe one of the reasons I loathe it now..

The second shot is on the best piece of equipment ever-Grandma’s garden swing .Richard,Jane and I have had many a fight on that.

The third is on our kitchen table , with her art ,her camera and her diet coke- I’m guessing Florence took it .

All beautiful ,happy memories- thanks Darren, lovely choices .

Not to mention Tony Chocoloney- he really is the best

Woke up this morning and checked my Geocache app for the nearest bit of hidden treasure- ok a rusty tin containing a list of finders and a couple of Japanese trinkets and maybe a code – and guess what ..there is one in Hanwell Library and the Drayton Court Hotel . But CBA to do it and anyway it is no fun without the whole Dam Gang .

Dam was fab and wonderful and one big huge fat barrel of stuff ( couldn’t think of a word to sum it up ) .

We barbecued on Rico , ate at De Kas and Hotel de Goudfazant ( which isn’t a hotel ,but a huge old warehouse across the water ) ,played Boules, Scrabble, Contract , cruised on Jacob’s boat ( sort of ) , had pre, post and during drinks at The Brouweriji, got wet , got hot , snoozed on the deck , got locked in the toilet ( John ) ,ate homemade corn pancakes for breakfast , saw the Roddy Muller exhibition , went to The Stedelijk ( or in my,Jacob and John’s case-played boules outside it ) .

But the best best best bit of all was being with John, Jacob,Florence,Freya and Simon …nothing makes me happier

an explanation

Let me explain why I chose what might be considered a cheesy piece of music , but I think is beautiful .

Jane and I loved John Denver .in 1971 ,when she was becoming weaker, she bought the LP ‘Poems,prayers and Promises’ .We sang it a lot .

When Nim married John Hoy, she played John Denver’s ‘Follow Me ‘ at her wedding . Not many years later she played it at his and their 3 children,Robert,`David and Kate’s funeral.

Last night we attempted singing ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’ – it helped having Michael on keyboards and quantities of alcohol in the bloodstream .

This morning as I was ( stupidly) thinking back to 8 years ago when the 5 of us had just gone to Barcelona , ‘Sunshine on my Shoulder’ came on the radio , and it made me cry real big ,fat ,sad tears.

For Rosie

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy, sunshine in my eyes can make me cry.
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely, sunshine almost always makes me high.
If I had a day that I could give you, I’d give to you the day just like today.
If I had a song that I could sing for you, I’d sing a song to make you feel this way.

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy, sunshine in my eyes can make me cry.
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely, sunshine almost always makes me high.
If I had a tale that I could tell you, I’d tell a tale sure to make you smile.
If I had a wish that I could wish for you, I’d make a wish for sunshine for all the while.

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy, sunshine in my eyes can make me cry.
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely, sunshine almost always makes me high.
Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy, sunshine in my eyes can make me cry.
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely, sunshine almost always makes me high.
Sunshine almost all the time makes me high. Sunshine almost always:

work that one out

It was a leaving lunch at work today .
A few old colleagues called in and we all ate together . A new member of staff asked me and my 2 pals if we do Facebook . ‘No’ replied one ‘what do I need Facebook for, I don’t even have a washing line ?’ .

Just like Mick I saw Stars

On Tuesday evening, my dear friend ,Paula, treated me to a ticket for a Simple Red concert at Kew the Music .

It was a great evening of dancing,singing ,eating ,drinking, people watching and agreeing that Mick Hucknall could do with the next size up shirt etc etc .

The gardens looked beautiful , especially The Hive and Kew Palace – all lit up and twinkly .

After the concert we went our separate ways .Paula on the District Line to Essex and me on the 65 bus to Ealing .

Once on the bus ,I dumped my chair ,brolly, rucksack etc on the storage shelf thingey ( as you get on ,on the right ) and tucked myself into a window seat .At the next stop the rest of the 7,000 audience members got on and the bus was jam packed .A lady got on and said to the guy behind me ,would he mind giving her his seat ,as she has a bad back . He said ‘no ‘ as he also has a bad back . So , being in my gallant ,Prosecco fuelled mood, I got up and said she could have my seat .We squeezed past each other ,she sat down and I stood up pretending to do things on my dementia friendly new smart phone – which I haven’t got a clue how to operate . Gradually the crowd on the bus thinned out ,but I remained standing until I got off . As I passed Mrs Bad Back , she reached out her hand to me and in the brief seconds we held hands,said something like ” bless you dear ,not many would have done that , I will hope and pray for you ”. I said .”thank-you” ,wished her well and got off .

The next day …

I burnt my left arm

Shut my right-hand little finger in the door and it is so bruised the nail has gone black

Did my back in so badly ,I can only walk like Mrs Overall, can’t get out of bed , have had to see an osteopath and have cancelled my day walking and singing over the cliffs of Dover ,to celebrate a friend’s sixtieth .

Read into that what you will

It cracked me up – in such a good way

I was looking for a spare folder , when I came across an old one in the cupboard under the stairs .

At the back of it was an email I had been sent – it was in Italian and said ….

”Il modula per l’invio dei dati non conteiene la variabile HTTP_REFERER, e quindi non possibile verificare se proviene da un dominio in hosting presso Aruba.it”

I had obviously given it to someone to translate and they had written underneath……

”the form with the data doesn’t contain the HTTP REFERER (?) , it is therefore not possible to verify whether it comes from a domain hosted by Aruba It ?”

Then the translator , who I think was either Laura or Georgina or one of our students ,had added

”it’s all weird computer talk and so I’m not entirely sure if the translation makes any sense at all ”

and then further down the page

”( Rosie ate my REVELS!!)”

Someone forwarded me this – spot on I think

Last night Private Eye editor Ian Hislop was asked on BBC Question Time whether those who voted to Remain in the EU should now shut up.

His reply:

After an election or a referendum, even if you lose the vote, you are entitled to go on making the argument.

When a government in this country wins an election, the opposition does not say ‘oh that’s absolutely right I’ve got nothing to say for five years‘.

So, for those of us trying really hard over the last few weeks to follow what on earth is happening in this country: the Leave vote has left us with a group of leaders who, having lit the fire, have run away saying someone else can clear up the mess; the Prime Minister who put us in the mess has resigned; everybody is gone; all the people who put their cross down for Leave saying ‘this is what we want‘ – they seem to be getting a group of people who say ‘we can’t stop immigration, we can’t get £350 million, oh and there might be quite a lot of austerity… sorry, bye!

” Art is a guarantee of sanity”

Just when you think things couldn’t get worse ,up pops Andrea Leadsom – who wants to take us back to the 1930’s – anyway who needs gay marriage, or the security of knowing there is a minimum wage, or maternity leave etc etc .

I congratulate anyone who can write a dodgy CV and get away with it . For a bet ,I once wrote ‘Nobel Peace Prize 1979 under the ‘achievements ‘ heading of my job application …and still i got an interview .Didn’t get the job though .

So here are a few reasons to be cheerful – part 3 ( which translates as ..places I’ve been to this week , and don’t want to sound like I’m showing off, but would like to recommend them to you )

The Geffrye Museum – what a fab London gem

The Hive , Kew Gardens – looks great ,but I felt totally underwhelmed when in it . I think I missed something

The 10th floor of The Boiler House ,The Tanks ,The Switch house ,Louise Bourgeois’s little black and white chequered figure.

The Trout Inn – right on the river- great chips ,beer and company .

Gove is out of the running

I swopped my days to go away in term time, and still Stansted airport was heaving

In case you were wondering ,I wasn’t

1. sulking

2.taken up with either of those offers

3.watching Lorna’s box-set of ‘The killing’

We had in fact gone to France , and beautiful it was too .

My friend,Rowena lives in The Magic Valley of Caunes Minervois , where the trees are green ,the sky is blue, the wine is cheap and the Cathars were persecuted .

It was just what the doctor ordered for John and I ..if only that doctor could get all those thoughts of French Keycamp holidays ,when the kids were young and happy and carefree, out of my head . Because I so want to turn that clock back ,and for us all to be together again .Will I ever get to a point the past memories don’t eat me up and spit me out ?

I love a good chat up line

Two propositions , an MP and a big wheelie bin discussion

Just another afternoon at Soup Kitchen

in case you want answers to your questions

Th MP was Rupa Huq , who was great ,got stuck in and talked to the guests and us

The propositions went something like….

” Are you available ?”

and

”are you available later ?”

http://cargocollective.com/miaojianartwork

On Thursday night ,when all was well with the world, I took myself off to The Royal College of Art to see Miao Miao ‘s final piece in the Post Grad Degree Show .

As you know ,Miao lived with us for 2 years while she studied , and she talked a lot about her dear Dad who lives in Qingdao. Her film ‘Cracked Chimney’ was hand-drawn and all about him .It was beautiful and made me cry a little bit – but these were happy tears ,not the post-referendum-sad,angry,fearful ones .

So ,if you find yourself near Rosie’s Plaque or Bjarke Ingels beautiful pavilion , do pop in to The RCA and see a very lovely piece of art .

later the same day

Normally when I have a little weep it is related to my sadness,loss,love of Rosie ,

But today it wasn’t …it was because of yesterday’s ‘leave’ vote .It has really affected me , I find it so very sad and surprisingly shocking . I am trying to word this without using the word ‘bigotry’ ,but I’m struggling

looking for something to do at the weekend ?

Once you’ve casted your remain vote , cashed in your Euros ( just in case ) and walked to Cheap Flights Warehouse, why not treat yourself to a weekend in NYC where you can see Jacob’s latest film in a collaborative exhibition ???

http://www.soloway.info/

No hyenas were harmed in the thrusting of the basher , it was more a like a touristy holiday momento, which stayed with us the whole trip

Proddy Son is home from Amsterdam, so with two Americans staying, we have a house full and I love a house full.

Thanks Darren for the lovely photos.

I think the painted face was part of an art project .
The second one was in 2004 on a Virgin flight from Dar es Salaam to Heathrow. We were all high as kites having been on on the-best-ever-holiday…a Dragoman Safari , camping in Kenya and Tanzania . Now I think back ,we were riotous. Tim never let go of his hat, and Jacob, his hyena basher ( different times). How the rest of the fliers must have loved us ??

The 3rd was taken on a picnic in Richmond park.It is funny how one phtograph can transport you right back to that moment .I remember Jane had bought Rosie those flowery trousers and she just loved them

On a very different note, if you are interested . I am voting ‘In’.

Hanwell’s loss is Brighton’s gain

I thought I was getting better at Good-byes.

That was until about 20minutes ago when i said farewell to my lovely Zumba teacher,Lucy .

Little does she know that in some of my darkest times, her music, routines, energy and kindness, have kept me sane .

you can hear it on Friday morning

Up until now I could take or leave Kirsty Young .

But after listening to Warwick Davis’s ‘Desert Island Discs ‘ , I can take her .

A very caring , empathetic friend alerted me to last Sunday’s D.I.D. and I think it was so I would hear what Warwick said about the death of his sons ,George and Lloyd ,and his subsequent grief .He didn’t say anything you haven’t heard me or anyone else say before ..”You never get over it ,but it makes you a stronger person and informs who you are .It is all part of the building blocks of you being a human being ….”

But it was the bit about his size ,I found really interesting .

His wife Sam has achondraplasia; but Warwick has a much rarer condition ,spondyloepiphyseal dysplasia congenita (SED) . Their 2 children both have SED.

As you also probably know, Jane too had achondroplasia, and in all 3 of my pregnancies I had genetic counselling .So it was when the subject turned to terminology ,I took a turn in my relationship with Kirsty . She said that although Warwick used the word , she could not bring herself to say ‘dwarf ‘ .Nor could Jane and nor can I – in fact I loathe it . Hats off to Warwick for telling people that the word midget is despicable, cruel and should never be used and it is fine to say ‘reduced height ‘ or ‘little people’ and in fact he is patron of this charity http://littlepeopleuk.org/.

Thank God for people like him , who are famous person in their own right ,and are making people aware that because someone is little ,they are not a figure of fun.

Cathy and Claire where are they now ?

This has to be the kitschest weekend this year .

LGMC on Friday night and Jackie- the Musical on Saturday .

IF you haven’t read the magazine ,you haven’t lived .
How come I can remember every word to David Cassidy’s ‘Could it be Forever ? ‘ yet had to consult my diary as to what I did on Friday morning ?

i thought it was John with his new Screwfix catalogue

What do you do when you are home alone ,the sun is out ,you are eating your lunch in the garden,you are meeting some friends in town at five (so you want to stay clean ) ?……..you take your top off.

What you don’t do,is when you hear the front door open ,shout ‘I’m out here in the garden’, forgetting you have two American male students staying with you.

a big fat ten out of ten with an extra point for doing ‘Shout’ as part of his encore

Last nights concert was the best one I have ever seen in all my 58 years ….

The Brucie Bonus was Mr Springsteen getting this guy on stage to dance and play guitar with him to ‘Dancing in The Dark’ . He chose him as he was holding a placard that said ‘It ‘Would you dance with Courteney Cox if she had a (great) beard?’ .He was also dressed as Courteney in THAT video .

It was so special and happy and if Bruce ever wants time away from Patti, he is welcome to share our swivel seats in Emerald – he can even choose the campsite

Half term

This last week it has been about all things spiritual ( for me )

1.Music

2.Water .

3.A free Jehovah’s Witness publication

let me expand in bullet form , (too busy planning my route and making my butties to write too much , plus you’d only get bored )

1. Have seen

‘The Great American Trailer Park Musical ‘ – think fringe version of Jerry Springer the Opera – Brilliant

The film ‘Sing Street ‘- Dublin , eighties music ,bullying by The Christian Brothers , great personalities, amazing songs- also brilliant

‘The Pink Singers’- just wonderful ,uplifting .I’d like them to sing at my funeral

then this afternoon it’s the big one ………… Brucie Springsteen at Wembley – we are very very excited .

2. have walked beside ….

The North Sea .

The English Channel

My pond- five fish still alive

The River Thames

3.Yesterday John was visited by 2 Jehovah’s witnesses and was given a copy of ‘The Watchtower’ .

Normally I would put it in the recycling bin , but this time the cover ‘Coping with Grief ‘caught my eye and so I took it with me and read it on the tube and until it got to the deeply religious bit it made a lot of sense and made me feel Ok about feeling happy or sad or angry or fearful or scared or disappointed.

”Grief can affect us in various ways, but for many the overriding feeling is one of intense emotional pain.

Grief is said to be a necessary part of the healing process and of learning to adapt to the new situation. There is an empty space where before there was a living human. We need to adjust to life without that person. Grief may provide a necessary emotional release. Of course, not everyone grieves in exactly the same way. One thing, though, seems to hold true: Repressing your grief can be harmful mentally, emotionally, and physically. How, then, can you express your grief in healthy ways?

Many bereaved ones have found that talking can be a helpful release.

Writing can also be a helpful release. Some who find it difficult to talk about their feelings may find it easier to express themselves in writing.

Crying may also serve as an emotional release. “

Working through grief takes patience, for you may feel that you are on an emotional roller coaster. Remember that you do not have to be ashamed of your tears. Many faithful individuals have found that shedding tears of grief is a normal and necessary part of the healing process.”

…and so it went on

Another day , another walk by water ( not on it )

Julia and Sally and Gill ,
Thanks for writing – it means a lot .
Julia ,I am so sorry about Tess dying . be kind to yourself- being sad is exhausting
Sally – thanks for the emailed photo too .One day ,we will be like Thelma and Louise and drive that loop .It is in my master-plan to visit you and do all the wonderful stuff Jane dd in NZ
Gill reveal yourself – you obviously don’t know me .I’m really a witch underneath .

Jane Rosemary Brown

At about this time ,fifteen years ago ,I ran into the Lane Fox Ward,St Thomas’s Hospital ,to be told my sister Jane had just died . I had been with her until 1am, only leaving when I thought she was settled . Another bloody regret- why did I leave ?

So how did I react to that news ? I’ll tell you and for this I am not proud – I went mad .

I flung my basket across the ward , I shouted and I screamed . You have to know this is a ward for people with chronic respiratory failure. They were weak ,vulnerable and ,after I’d had my initial outpouring of shock and grief, probably very scared .

I then stormed into the nurses station ,where they were doing their handover , plonked myself down and proceeded to tell them what I thought about what I had observed after spending 2 nights with Jane , holding her ,talking to her , reassuring her ,breathing with her ,washing her and stroking her head just above her eyebrow- one of the few parts of her body where she had sensation , just to calm her down .And what did I tell them ?……..that sitting at the nurse’s station all night reading a bible and only getting up twice to do obs , in my mind, did not constitute good nursing practice .

I was ushered out ,and the call to security cancelled and then a couple of months later ,a big investigation took place and working with the consultant and the nursing officer ,changes were implemented.For that I am glad.

I thought at this time ,on that day ,it was the worst news I could ever have in my life – how bloody stupid I was .
I love her so very much .
I miss her so very much and to this day I don’t think anyone can make me laugh like she did .

Part of my five a day

Lorna ,
I was going to say we are just back from Walberswick, and this time we avoided catching crabs ..but I knew you’d only see the smutty side …so I’ll just tell you about the dimpled plums I had my eye on .

RTG

Job done -next time I’m hoping to be taken up The Oblix.
in my mission to find the best free toilets in london , I think the ladies loo downstairs in The Wallace Collection has been finally been gazumped by the unisex one with disabled access at the back of the ground floor cafe in the Shangri-La Hotel – I sat down to find it has a heated toilet seat – i didn’t want to leave

A message for Darren -I hope you’re not saddle sore and have managed to dry out

Darren – I love the action shots , so Rosie ,so beautiful ,so full of gay abandon .

The first one is with Grandmama on Christmas morning 2007 .we had around 25 people round for drinks .The Danes were staying and so that accounted for 11 of us .the rest were the Clarkes, Maynards , Days ,plus various grandparents and Scottish cousins .

I remember the dinner cooking itself as everyone was half-cut and could barely taste a thing by the time it made it to the table !

The second was on San Clemente beach, California

and

the third in our kitchen .

I love her ,love her ,love her .

It’s gone even quieter

In September 2015 Florence’s friend Miao Miao moved in with us .

She had just finished her 3 year degree course at GSA and was coming down to London to do her masters in animation at The Royal College of Art .When she moved in ,I thought it was just a temporary stay while she looked for somewhere else ( more studenty ,fun , hip and happening etc etc ) , but for whatever reasons ( not of the hip and happening variety ), she ended up staying …and yesterday she moved out ………….and I know it sounds very silly ,but I quite miss her . Miao is an absolutely lovely person .I have never seen her grumpy or in a bad mood . She worked like a Trojan and was interested in everything , even the dross I talked about . She ran ,swam, played badminton ,walked, explored ,made art ,talked art ,brought home Malaysian dumplings and cooked the most unusual cake I’ve ever had in my life .

I wish her well in everything she does .

I’ve been violated in the spam department

It is all very odd .

I had a spam email from my shrink a few weeks ago , because Meningitis UK pays for my sessions I thought it was a bona fide document and tried to open it – wish I bloody hadn’t .
Looks like it got into my mailbox and has been sent on to my 3 friends and numerous Chinese medicine providers ..so huge apologies if you have had an email from me asking you to sign a document …do NOT do it

It is all very odd .

ho hum….and double drat .

They are John f Kennedy,Magna Carta and the Air Forces

I hate to go on…but twice in a month Guardian Weekend Mag Q&A

You know the score ..

Q : What is your greatest fear ?

A: Candi Staton…..”losing my vocal chords or one of my children”

A: David Baddiel…”Injury ,or worse, to my children ”

Confirmation for me that it is Ok to feel as wretched as I do (at times) and that I am not going mad .

Continued shock that so many people ignore or do not acknowledge this enormous pain ..or maybe they have just forgotten .

So again and in fear of going on ..thanks to all who do remember and talk and support and protect and include ….and all the other stuff that is just too tricky to put into words .

Emerald is off the naughty step and is being taken to Runnymede .You can’t beat a good old picnic, a view of the river and 3 memorials !

The most common form of death for young men under 45 is suicide- isn’t that terrible ?

I am no TV critic .

I get my recommendations from Stu ( the Island ,First Dates etc ) …we bonded over our love of Fresh Meat and Coach Trip .

My boxed sets from Lorna – Breaking Bad ,The Bridge – last scene series 1 – the most powerful, moving bit of acting i have ever seen on TV . And now , Better call Saul .

and all the other suggestions from the weekend papers.

…….but I loved ,adored ,admired , was moved by Grayson Perry’s ‘All Man’.

I don’t get how at times he dresses as a little girl .But I love the way he listens and talks to people , showing empathy and compassion ,but not condescension .Then there is the end result – the art -WOW, just bloody fantastic .

A friend of mine went into the ballot to stay in the house he designed in Essex .She was picked and her and 3 friends stayed there . You have to look at the website , I cannot describe how wonderful; it looks .Me being a selfish ( jealous) interested old cow ,thought I would apply ..until I saw the price £ 1,000 for 3 days .Now it is not quite so up my strasse

http://www.living-architecture.co.uk/the-houses/a-house-for-essex/overview/

End of an era

John ha tetired and is learning Italian

only one of those statements is true and I’ll give you a clue ..it is not the first one .

As one door closes another one opens .No more ‘The Island’, but bring on The Brummie one with the good music.

It’s back – Thursday is Peaky Blinder’s night. John’s got the accent , I’ve got in The Davenports and the HP Sauce ( it is made there – I used to live opposite the factory ) and Stephen Knight has written a guide to Birmingham n the Guardian . He says ”If you want an authentic Peaky Blinders-era pub, try the Barton Arms in Aston”

Q: where did John take me for my first date ?

A:the Barton Arms ,Aston

Classy eh ?

That would have been fine if he hadn’t called me Hazel all night .

It must be love

My words cannot do Georgina and Danny’s wedding justice .

It was all lovely , because they are lovely .

Rosie was with me the whole day . She gave me the strength to hold it in , and at times, let it out .She loved Georgina so very much .
Thank-you Georgina for talking about her and saying she would be the first one a) with her hands in the cake and b) up on the dance-floor – you are so right .
I loved her and yearned for her even a little bit more when you said that .

Thank you to Richard and Sarah for 2 wonderful days .
We loved big party and little party and now we are drying out !

Georgina and Danny

Rosie truly loved Georgina-there wasn’t a day in her life when she wasn’t in it .She was even there when Rosie died .

Today is a huge celebration as Georgina is marrying Danny .

They are both kind, lovely ,caring, funny and generous people .It is going be be a very special day as ( in fear of sounding cheesy ) they are very special people .

I have been up to Rosie’s bedroom and found a sole earring ,so I have a bit of her in my pocket to hold onto …… and I know ,along with John ,Jacob, Florence and I she will be sending them a huge big fat ,high mountain of love .

No5:-No spoilers please

Simon and Florence are still here

Miao Miao is cracking on with her Final Masters Show

Proddy Son is home

Georgina and Danny get married tomo ( big-up woo hooo from Rosie )

We have the final ‘Line of Duty ‘ to watch

A friend texted as her son is working for the company that produces Coach Trip , and asked if I ould like to apply !

The sun is shining

All is good with the world

1-5

All things themed …

1.Sri Lanka – saw the film ‘Dheepan’ last night- brilliant , and moving

2. Scandi – saw the Finnish ‘Race Horse Company ‘ new show ‘Super Sunday’…out of this bloody world .

Sarah, Kristian,Thor ,Frig and Gro , left us this week . Thanks for the flowers ,book, chocolate ,everything else and for being the loveliest Danish family ever …and especially to Kris for the presents he left us in the fridge .

3. Obama

John saw him hover in

( he actually saw about 10 helicopters overhead and so we guess it is him )

4. Sadness

Silly really ,but I feel really sad about Victoria Wood dying .

I think it is because I really like her ( seen her about 5x ) and i feel really sorry for her children .It is so hard for them

5.Happiness

Lovely to have Florence and Simon home

Excited to have Jacob home next week .

Pleased my students got a great performance by the otters at the Wetlands Centre

Sun’s been out

Jacob missed out on a real treat

Lovely photos Darren, thanks.
The first one was taken 10 years ago this summer when we went to Sri Lanka. We were on an overland bus and it stopped at this fruit stall .Rosie loved fruit , she posed and we called her ‘Fruit Girl’ for the holiday. Tame ,but nice .
Mind you I called jacob a whole load of other names when we came back …
He chose not to come away with us , instead he stayed at home ,enjoyed the sunshine and evidently entertained at home .

The four of us arrived back glowing ,happy and full of holiday stories . Jacob hadn’t done too bad a job of clearing up the house ,but it had been hot in London and he’d forgotten to put the bins out the previous Monday ,so with the pleasantries over, washing machine-on ,Rosie and Florence fighting over Facebook ,I lifted up the bulging black bin-bag ( to put out in the front garden ) , and to my delight ,the bottom fell out of it and a ton of maggots and rotting meat cascaded onto my feet . I strongly expressed my displeasure to Jacob ,to which he replied ” I see you’ve come back from your holiday in a foul mood”. How I loved him that night .

In the second photo Rosie is in our naff, horrible ,corner bath ,which all the kids loved and which I nearly broke my neck on everytime I got out of it as it had a huge fish handle which I nearly always managed to get my foot caught on .

The third one is in Cescenatico with the lovely Laura.

There is commonly a double loneliness to grief – the loss of the loved one who has died and the loss of those who withdraw

Thank you to my dear friend Jane who alerted me to this article

”I never met my brother Jonathan. He would have been the gentle one of the family. Or so my mother says. But he died in his sleep a few years before I was born. Even now, over half a century later, the pain of his loss remains a defining part of our family story. His ashes are kept in a birdbath at the bottom of my parents’ garden, a constant reminder of his short life. And their tears, prompted by anniversaries or some familiar smell, will never pass.

What people often say when they meet someone who has been recently bereaved is that they don’t know what to say. And, generally speaking, that’s not such a bad thing to say. Much better to say that than to say nothing. OK, don’t say “there’s a reason for everything”, or “I know how you feel”. But better to say something, even if you feel it’s a bit goofy or awkward. My mum tells the story of a neighbour who chose to walk down a different supermarket aisle when she saw her coming. She was too frightened to talk to the woman who had just lost her baby.

I’m having dinner with my friend Decca Aitkenhead. Two years ago her partner, Tony, drowned in the sea off Jamaica and she’s just published a remarkable book called ‘All at Sea’. People have been calling the book “brave”, though I’m not keen on connecting that word with grief as it’s often a way of encouraging people not to make outward expression of inner distress – “be a brave boy” being code for “don’t cry”. What Decca’s book doesn’t include is that a year after Tony died she was diagnosed with breast cancer, the same cancer that killed her mother.

So Decca knows a thing or two about grief and, more specifically, about other people’s reactions to it. We begin to talk about the complex dynamic that often takes place between the bereaved and their would-be comforters. The comforter is willing to reach out but is anxious, not knowing what to say. So the comforter pulls back for fear of getting things wrong, decides not to make the phone call, walks down the other aisle in the supermarket. And so, precisely at the point when human contact is needed most, it disappears.

There is commonly a double loneliness to grief – the loss of the loved one who has died and the loss of those who withdraw. Many people are not prepared to, or are simply not capable of, sharing in the darkness, staying with it. Indeed, often it’s the bereaved person themselves who ends up feeling pressure to comfort and reassure those who are supposed to be their comforters. And not wanting others to run away, it’s common for the bereaved to feel obligated to disavow the extent of their own darkness, to say that it’s not so bad, that things are getting better etc.

I’ve been taking funerals for over 20 years. I still remember my first – a bit like a nervous lover, how anxious I was not to say or do anything wrong. But what I now know is that no well-chosen phrase is ever going to make things better. Words are unable to fix it, so don’t try and force them to do things they can’t. And nor will an artificially sympathetic face. Bereaved people don’t want you acting all weird around them. Compassion literally means to suffer with, to suffer alongside. You stand with people in their darkness so it’s not so lonely there. Yes, it’s OK to laugh and smile. But the most important thing is simply to be there and listen and not be frightened by not being able to make things right.

In the Bible, Job’s so-called comforters were a useless lot, always trying to make some religious sense of the tragedy that had befallen him. In fact, the Book of Job’s line on talking to the bereaved is probably: don’t try and rationalise things, theologically or in any other way. That’s often more about the comforter’s need to explain away the darkness than the need of the bereaved, who is living it and knows its reality.

When the brilliant Gillian Rose wrote about her battle with cancer in ‘Love’s Work’ she employed an epigraph from an early 20th-century Russian Orthodox monk, Silouan the Athonite: “Keep your mind in hell and despair not.” Or, very roughly translated: just hold their hand and let them talk and cry. And don’t run away. It’s actually much harder than it sounds.”

What I would like to add ,( in not such an eloquent way )

..it is me who runs the gauntlet in the supermarket .Sometimes I just cannot face bumping into people who have upset me i.

….if you don’t what to say , just a touch or a ‘I don’t know what to say ‘ is fine .No platitudes and NO comparisons please

….compassion is when someone is compelled to act . I found when people tell you how compassionate, kind ,soft etc ..they are , they usually aren’t .The ones who do it for no glory , continue to be my rocks .

…empathy ,empathy, empathy ….whatever the other persons sadness is about , it is not about YOU

….I agree – ‘brave’ , is a bad one . You have no choice and so when people tell me ‘you’re brave ‘ , or ‘I wouldn’t be able to go if my child died ‘it makes me feel pants as 1. I am not brave and 2. Does that make me a hard bitch as I have carried on and am very grateful for a good life and the choices I have ?

£10 worth of pleasure

Have visited 2 of my favourite places this week
1.Glasgow
2. Maidenhead Aquatics ( not in Maidenhead ,but Osterly Garden Centre ) ……and am now the mother of 5 new goldfish .
Just been out and checked and can only see 4 – but i’m hoping one is playing shy-fish .

Guilt- not an easy subject to talk about

It is over 7 years since Rosie died , lots has changed and lots has remained the same .
I started to write
about what had changed…values,needs, friends,safety,questions,guilt
,pain, silence,creativity ,loneliness, etc etc..but it was all too deep
and too much for my brain and typing skills to cope with .
But one thing I that hasn’t changed is that I am drawn to the writings of people’s experiences of grief due to the death of a loved young person
This
week I read in 2 different newspapers ,the words of Decca Aitkenhead,
whose partner, Tony, drowned during a family holiday in Jamaica.
her words are my feelings.

”Sudden
death defies the laws of physics; the human mind cannot reconcile the
velocity of the first word with the enormousness of the second.It is
literally incredible.”

‘Survivor’s guilt
always used to baffle me .Why did people think someone else’s death was
their fault ; that only if they had acted differently they could have
prevented it ? The illogic seemed so self-evident and the implicit
self-importance rather alienating .
I knew I was becoming
increasingly irrational but could not control the rampaging narrative of
guilt- until one brother took my hand and said ,slowly, gently, as if
addressing a small child; ”Dec, there was nothing you or anyone else
could have dine to save Tony’s life” And suddenly I saw it was true.But
instead of relief ,what I felt was despair.’

The wisdom of Fred

I know in the grand scheme of worry and fear and grief ,your vari-focal glasses snapping in half and in order to be able to see ,your handyman ( John) has to gaffer-tape them to an old pair of his and so you look like a cross between Joe 90 and a deep-sea diver , is nothing ,but it sort of tips you over the edge ( and I mean emotionally ,not the weight of the dam things ) .

So at times like these many people turn to ‘Ted Talks ‘…..but not me ,I turn to ‘Fred Talks’.

Yes ,the inspiration that is Fred, the maitre d’ off ‘First Dates.

I love Fred ,I love ‘First Dates’ and for this series I think he’s been away and swallowed ‘The big fat cheesefest book of love quotes’.

I think my favourite being

”Food makes no difference to the date.One person can be steak and chips and the other a salad and they’ll still love each other .”

Not if he nicked my chips, I bloody well wouldn’t !

My letter to The Guardian Weekend Magazine

I wrote
”After reading Tim’s Journal followed by Liz’s Experience and then turning to look at a photograph of my beautiful daughter,Rosie, who died on the 21st December 2008 , aged just 19 , of streptococcal septicaemia – I did not know whether to punch Tim, hug Liz or throw myself off a ( virtual ) cliff .
Does anyone actually edit this magazine ?”

and Melissa replied

”Hi Rachel

I’m very sorry to hear that you were upset, and for your loss. Do you think neither story should have run? We do welcome reader feedback.

Best

Melissa (editor)”

to which I replied

”Dear Melissa,

My daughter Rosie , suffered the same symptoms as both Tim and Liz .

Tim’s turned out to be a virus .Rosie and Liz’s turned out to be something far far far worse .

I just think it was stupid and insensitive to print both articles in the same edition ( a few pages apart ) .Tim’s is topical article ,but Liz’s ( which is far more important , personal and sensitive ) article need not have been printed that week .

Thank-you for replying- it means a lot

Rachel ”

and after all that she never printed the letter !

thinking of Tenby

As another bereaved mother said ( and she’s a practicing Christian preacher ) ‘ I’m not that keen on Easter- it is all too much about death ‘. Which actually made me laugh and made me OK about Easter – and as long as I’m with lovely people ,it is no great shakes in my calendar .

Went to my spiritual home yesterday – the sea , Saltdean to be precise .The sea was so rough ,the waves were crashing against the sea wall and were about 40 feet high .I thought they looked at those hot geysers you see in NZ ( not that I’ve ever been ) Our friends we met in the pub ,had walked from the other direction , where the path is much narrower and they were drenched down to their pants . But there was to be no swapping .

Anyway Lorna , you were right , the end of series 1 of The Bridge really did wash me out and thanks for your health-warning . But the whole series was amazing , brilliant and I am so utterly , relentlessly,head-over-heels in love with Saga- I think that after Julie Andrews as Maria Von Trapp , she is the best character I have ever seen on screen. Any warnings for series 2 ?.

After an email from Melissa, the editor of The Guardian Weekend , and my reply …she still didn’t print my letter ….and it wasn’t even as dry as this .

I hope you all have a lovely day and The Lindor Bunny pops up somewhere

If I could turn back time

The next time you book your cheap Ryanair flight to Barcelona ( Reus ) Airport , don’t be fooled – it is nowhere near Barcelona -it is about 70 long miles away .

Thanks Darren , for the lovely photos and the reason I’m setting myself up against Simon Calder ( and his top travel tips ) is because that first photo of Jacob,Rosie and Florence ,taken in August 2008, was taken in the little cafe ,just before the departure lounge ,in Reus Airport . The 5 of us had spent a few days in Barcelona and then driven on and on and on ( past the airport ) further south to Playa de Montroig campsite . Jacob and Rosie were about to fly home and were waiting for the flight that Natalie and Fiona were on , to land .

They took the piss out of me cos I was blubbing as I said good-bye to them . There is a cruel irony to that now .

The next photo is Holly and Rosie doing a good job of showing their tonsils to the world and the third one is on the beach in Walberswick .

A certain Cher song comes to mind

PTS

Never take feeling jumpy for granted ,it is better than feeling of other stuff I cannot even begin to write about .

Have just returned from an impromptu trip to beautiful Scotland.

It was lovely to spend time with Florence and Simon and Adam and Gordana and Oona and Callum and Alison and Isabella and Gordon see ‘Spotlight’ and the brilliant ‘Anomalisa’ and have meatballs in Ikea and classy cocs in Chinaskis .

If this all sounds confusing – it is . It has all been a bit unreal .But the main reason I was there was to see and support Florence

One counsellor I saw spoke not of PTSD but of PTS – Post Traumatic Strength , and I’m a believer in it .

When really really bad stuff happens , and it doesn’t get much worse than your child dying , you change .

The way I think has changed .I value stuff more . I think I’m more patient . Dare I say it ,kinder , more tolerant and in a funny way ,stronger …more vulnerable and scared ,but stronger .

And that strength really helps – in fact I couldn’t get by without it

Tomorrow- Reasons to be Cheerful-part 1

Feeling a bit jumpy , hence this writing’s a bit jumpy .

Reasons to be jumpy – part one

Mothering Sunday – great for some , pants for others .

But I feel very blessed to have received something that made me laugh and something that made me melt .

Countdown to picking up 3 new Italian students . We said good-bye to two lovely Italian girls yesterday and they made me cry by giving me a huge bouquet of white Gerberas ( they weren’t to know the association with Rosie’s funeral ) .

It always intrigues me when we have students as to whether they’ll ask about the big portraits of Rosie . Our last two didn’t .It doesn’t bother me .It just makes me think ,they probably think ,the paintings of Rosie are in fact Florence …and why don’t we have any of Jacob ?? Favourite child syndrome perhaps ?

The news that in the UK from September 2015 babies born on or after 1 July 2015 are being offered the MenB (meningococcal group B) vaccine as part . I’m sure it is very good , but I cannot cope with all these photos of children suffering from this disease and in the final stages of their life , being banded around in the press and on social-media.

Yesterday’s visit to Dulwich Picture Gallery .

~It is lovely and the exhibition of Nikoli Astrup’s paintings was beautiful and inspiring . But the place holds so many very happy memories of Grandmama, Rosie , us , Grandmama and Rosie drinking Pimms , Richard’s 60th. It is weird being there without them

It’s Sunday and it is dark and cold

Not easy when your BP suddenly goes up

fell down my gap…..
kitchen
coffee
radio ( Sarah Cox – a billion x better than me,myself I Chris Evans )
porridge in micro
Italian students happy
Miao Miao brewing up some lemons and leaves
chat ( mainly about Primark )
Mr Brightside on radio
smile stuck on face , Rosie singing in my head .
what was that war slogan ‘keep calm and carry on’

The other 2 would be 1. Not queueing at bus-stops and 2. soup-slurpers

If I was ever asked for my 3 things to go into Room 101 , I know what the first thing would be – the orchid display in Kew Garden’s Princess of Wales Conservatory .

This year’s was particularly disgusting with a sort of orchids meet The Folies Bergere theme .

Individually the flowers are beautiful , but put them together with a load of feathers and stand them in a pond they just look naff .

Mind-you ,I think I’m the only one that felt like that , because you could barely see them through the wall of people extending their big zoom-lenses.

I have become a member

I was in his gallery ,minding my own business ,staring at one of-my-all-time-international-favourite-paintings ,Stanley Spencer’s ‘The Last Supper ‘, when the curator engages me in conversation .
He knows everything there is to know about Stanley- about his love of Cookham ,the church, his humour , his time studying at the Slade , what he did in The Great War, his time in the ship-building yards of Glasgow , his marriage to Hilda who he divorced for for Patricia , who was in love with Dorothy …and then he produced the book – Stanley’s complete works .
It would have to fall open at ‘Double Nude Portrait ‘ . I nearly wet myself

Not bad for an Essex girl

It may be St Isabel of France’s day – but what did she do for humanity – except keep her virginity and found the Franciscan Monastery of the Humility , and we all know ,anyone can do that ( except maybe the first bit ) ,

But for me it is St Oswald’s Joan of Norbury day .

As I said at Ma’s funeral , she certainly was no dam saint ( anyone who choses the theme tune from Van de Valk ,for their final send-off , has to be a bit dubious ) , but what she did for Jane was truly amazing .

When Jane first lost her mobility , 53 St Oswald’s had no hoists, lift , electric wheelchair , car-lift, ramps , independent living scheme volunteers etc etc …..Mother was all of things- she lifted, she hoisted , she drove ( albeit very badly ) , she got up in the night , she waited up , she did it all and do you know what – I never heard her moan . She moaned about other stuff – a maggot in the Vesta Curry , Geoffrey’s attachment to the laundrette , me using a Stanley knife on her her new teak table , etc etc . But never about what she had to do for Jane .

I said good-bye to her 4 years ago today , and I miss her and I love her so very very much …but do not get me wrong , 90 was a good age to go , 19 is not .

…for tonights’ guests, the boiler is fixed !

Grief NEVER goes away ,it just changes

I am lucky enough to go to work and dance . And today was one step better , I had a dancer come in to lead a workshop , so I become a participant .

I love having artists in residence ,in residence . I love the fact we all become equal and we are all in it together. I love their ideas, their inspiration , their creativeness and their energy . Today’s dancer ,was working round the theme of ‘Birds’ and she started with this amazing You- tube clip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eakKfY5aHmY.
She wasn’t to know the clip was shown to the music we had an Jane’s funeral .But oddly enough it didn’t make me cry , it made me feel quite safe – that has taken 15 years .

Came home to a cold house – boiler still broken .cba to dance

Being all together is the best thing ever

I was going to write a load of old gumph about what a fantastic time we had in Dam
…how we did 10% culture – getting the train to Utrecht and having a tour of the fabulous Rietveld Schroder House – playing Scrabble and being thrashed by Jacob who scored 100plus more than the rest of us as he got 2 seven letter words
…. and 90% partying -going to The Brouwerij’t ij ( twice ) , dancing to the cheesiest CD’s ever , dining with 2 Mexican girls ( never met before ) , dancing with the same 2 Mexican girls and 1 Australian , being cooked for by Florence and Simon, getting the boat to Noorderlicht, eating cheese fondue , not getting on Jacob’s rowing boat , but watching Jacob ,Freya , Florence and Simon , sail into the sunset ( well from Jacob’s jetty to Rico and back again )

and then I saw the new photos of Rosie , and I felt such a huge overwhelming pang of love and want and hurt and sadness , my brain curdled .

It is so very hard to put into words

I know I am not going mad and I know I have very reason to feel the way I do , when I read the theatre critic ,Jane Edwardes , talk about the content of a play as being ‘an unbearable subject’ .

The play she is referring to is ‘Rabbit Hole ‘, the subject being the death of a child and the subsequent hole the parents have fallen down.The hole is a deep and full of grief and it is certainly not a wonderland. Everyone feels guilty, everyone says the wrong thing, pain is etched on parents faces .They get it right , they get it wrong .

I’ve seen the film , can’t be doing with the play , but for me it is just a little bit thought-affirming, that Rosie’s death is unbearable and so I am not going crazy when everything else around me is sort of bearable but a different sort of bearable.

I might be wrong but did Georgina and Rosie have something to do with the editing of their school magazine ??

Q:John going up to Brum on Friday to join with his brother and 3 sisters to go through their Mum’s stuff ( emotional, sad and not easy )

and

Valentine’s Day

What’s the connection ?

A: My gift …..

Amongst Nanny’s things were lots of cards and momentos her Grandchildren had given her over the years .

One of which was ‘Oakland’s World-Issue 8 , October 1999’

This was the front cover ,which John had framed for me :-

From a 21st Century window

”THE FLYING SOFA”

By Rosie Dwyer , Y5/6

Based on the Robert louis Stephenson poem ” From a railway carriage”.


FASTER THAN THUNDER , FASTER THAN LIGHTENING

WE’RE ON OUR SOFA, SEATBELTS TIGHTENING,

OVER HILLS, OVER LAKES


WE’RE ON OUR SOFA, WE FEEL JUST GREAT,

OVER THE BEACHES ,OVER THE SEA ,

PEOPLE SWIMMING, SWIMMING FREE,


PEOPLE RUNNING, PEOPLE WALKING,

LOOK AT THOSE PEOPLE DOWN THERE TALKING !


WE’RE ON OUR SOFA ,UP WITH THE LARK

BUT I’M AFRAID NOW ,I’VE GOT TO PARK !

My broken heart has just got a little bit more broken

Mary Catherine Dwyer ‘ Dolly’

I don’t know why ,but I always called John’s Mum Mary, Nanny . Probably for the same reason I called my Mum ,Grandma and my Dad ,Geoffrey ( don’t ask ) .

On Monday night there was a Mass for Nanny and on Tuesday ,it was her funeral .
My muddly old words won’t do the whole occasion justice , but I would just like to say what a wonderful funeral it was and what a real testament to her faith and the love and devotion of her family .

The Priest ,Father Denis J McGillycuddy conducted a lovely, warm , funny, thoughtful, caring Mass, and the music and hymns and words of some of Nanny’s Grandchildren were beautiful .

The sun shone for her burial ( she is now with John’s Dad ,Patsy ) , and then we went to the reception back at the pub. Rick and John both made fantastic speeches .
It was a perfect tribute and good-bye to her

And tonight ,we are going to Ealing Abbey for another Mass- this time for Rosie .

What to say (or not )

Upstairs in Rosie’s bedroom , there are 2 lovely big blue and white spotty boxes .

One contains all the photos people gave me after Rosie died ( the photos are ,of course ,of Rosie , not just some random holiday snaps ) , the other contains all the cards people sent us . Since I put those boxes up there , back in March (?) 2009, I have never looked in them .One day will .

Then yesterday I picked up the family section of the paper and the opening lines jumped out at me ”My daughter died at nine hours old. Three years on ,I stumble across a suitcase of condolence cards ”.What Krupa Padhy spoke volumes to me .

For me , I remember some cards stood out . The ones where people gave a bit of themselves, or said they didn’t know what to say , or that they would pray in their temple ,church or synagogue ( I always hope that if there is something up there it will get through to Rosie – I’m not bothered via which faith ) , The ones with ‘Best wishes’ went straight in the recycling box , and anything anonymous freaks me out .

If I sound hard , I don’t mean to be .I am just being honest .

And to those friends who continue to send love, postcards, invites , thoughts , comments and prayers , keep them coming , those acts of compassion help make my little world go round in a slightly sunnier way

Of course him might be a her – we are a gender neutral household

As Sophie Ellis-Bextor would say , there’s been a murder on the grass floor .

This morning John found Fish ( his name ) in the middle of the lawn .

He has lived happily in my pond for about 10 years .

I got him as a tiddler and within 2 days he had eaten his sister .

He then mirrored my patterns of behaviour and ate everything in sight , resulting in him being a big ,fat, yet tough old fish .

The frogs and I will miss him

Song for Rosie

If ever Karen does come over , there are so many places I want to take her …
on the cable car over The Thames
Breakfast up The Shard
St Paul’s Cathedral
Southall for a curry
Primrose hill/Nunhead Reservoir
and on a day trip to Eastbourne .
Yesterday we got the train to Newhaven and did one of my favourite walks …up onto the cliff and then with The Seven Sisters in your sight, onto Cuckmere Haven and then onto those big huge, beautiful cliffs .
Lorna, thanks to your book we sang ‘The Quartemaster’s Stores’ . I’d forgotten it’s very existence !
That is my kind of heaven

Karen ,Holly and Ryan

It is hard to write something that doesn’t sound crass or flippant or uncaring as it is so very sad when your Mum dies .
But I just want to

1. share this with you ……
Today I had my second ever email from Karen, who I last met in a tiny village about 10 miles outside Bungoma, Kenya .
She sent me her first ever one earlier in the week , I replied and then she sent this .
To put anyone in the picture who does not Know- Karen is the girl I sponsored through secondary education , after Rosie died . It was a tiny thing to do for a young girl ,who otherwise may not have been educated .
Jacob and I went to her home in 2013.It was the first time white people had ever been to her village . Everyone came out to look at us . It was amazing .They were amazing . We spoke through the common language of gesticulating, food, football and play

”I am so excited to hear from you Rachel.I miss you so much.I feel so bad for not keeping in touch for almost 2 years now.I hope you forgive me.

Sorry for the loss of John’s mother.May God rest her soul in peace.May He give you strength to face everything. Am so glad to hear that about Florence and Jacob .May God see over you all.

I joined Karatina University in August 2013.Am supposed to be in my 3rd year but I had to stay out of school because of financial difficulties.I got a job at a local school.I use the money I get to support my family and also save some for my next school year.I hope to resume studies September this year.

Shirlet is all grow now.She looks so big that people think am the younger one.It’s so funny given that am 4 years older than her.She is in Form Three now.She moved to a new school and she had to repeat Form two because she wasn’t doing very well in the old school.But she has now kept up with the conditions of the new school.She’s also very strong.She goes to a day school which is far from home.We can’t afford bus fair so we look for well wishers to stay with her.She has stayed with 3 families in one year.She goes through a lot of challenges but seems to take it quite positively.I must admit I admire her.

Eugine is in class 8.He’s 14 and still very shy.He is a neat freak.He cleans his own clothes.He also cleans the house.He was given an award at school for being the neatest boy in school.He’s looking forward to the national exams(KCPE) later this year.He wants to pass and go to a good high school.I have confidence in him because he performs very well.I know he will pass with good grades.

Sarah refused the name Daphine.There’s an adult called Daphine who has wayward behaviour that’s why my sister refused that name.She told everyone to call her Sarah not Daphine.She’s in class 4 this year.She’s so ambitious.She told me she wants to see you again but she’s afraid she won’t hear a thing you would say to her.Partly because she doesn’t know English and because she will be looking at you.I laughed so hard when she told me.

The kids in the neighbourhood still remember the visit.They talk about it as if it was yesterday.They laugh at each other because they don’t know English.That was a memorable day.Unfortunately I don’t have any photos to remember it.

I love the book you brought me,remember?I love London just from what I read in the book.I love the Parks the most.I also like that thing about changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.I would like to see the towers in London because they seem to be fascinating.I swear I will look stupid because I will stare at everything.

Pass my regards to the rest of the family.Lots of love”

2. Wish Holly and Ryan an amazing trip .They set off to India today and take in Izzy,Phil and Aus on the way .Enjoy !

Mary Dwyer

Very sad news .
John’s and of course, Ann, Mary, Andrew and Helen ‘s ,Mum, Mary Dwyer , died peacefully this morning .
It is never easy

I’m off to buy Sally Butcher’s book

Lovely photos Darren ..thanks
the first one is Rosie lying on her bed ,in THAT Waitrose uniform .
The second is ( I think ) when she went to New York with Drayton Manor, and funnily enough , the blog one of the two of us is in Strawberry Fields ,Central Park NYC

Thanks also to Holly, Nikki ,Stu and Adam for introducing us to a little bit of Persia in Peckham at ‘Persepholis’ . That halloumi in sesame seeds and honey was one of the best starters I have ever had . Also for pre-drinks in Spoons . A bottle of Prosecco for £ 10.49 when down the road ,we once had a pint and it was over seven quid !

And Adam- the journey back was a dream – except for the bit where we ran for the E8 bus and it pulled out just as we got there -leaving my dignity and the ability to breathe in tatters .

Your face, your race, the way that you talk I kiss you, you’re beautiful, I want you to walk

So far my wet January is going well.

So much so weird things are happening to me .

In the grand scheme of thing they are not weird , just co-incidences , but they do spook me a little bit .

So today ,I go to 3 West Ealing shops for my Saturday paper , but they are all sold out .So ,I venture north to Waitrose . I walk through their doors at about 2pm , the time Rosie started work ( she was always late ) .I don’t like it .I feel sad and a bit hot and then a bit lost .The lost bit isn’t down to my emotional state , but due to the fact they are doing a refurb and all the aisles are gone or jumbled up and there in the middle of it is a partitioned off cube with about 3 pneumatic drills being operated from the inside . So in the hunt for my Adnams Ghostship, I got a bit lost and found myself opposite the cheese counter – Rosie’s spot …and I can see her .The image is vivid .It is her first day , and in support ( or nosiness ) I go and queue to buy some cheese . The guy in front of me asks for 300grams of Dorset Blue Vinney . Rosie looks at the label of every cheese . finds it , picks it up ( it is big and round and flat ) , puts it on her marble thing ,gets her wire and goes to slice a bit – but , off the side …to which he and I shout ‘No’ , you cut it from the middle like a slice of cake . I think both he and I wanted to get behind the counter and show her how to do it . Boy , how she laughed ( not ) .. So after that vision , I couldn’t stand it anymore .I ditched my half-filled basket at the check-out and went to Lidls ( no ghosts or pneumatic drills there -plus the stuff was half the price ) .

Once home ,I needed some comfort , so laid my new Muji pens out in colours of the rainbow order and then tentatively opened my 2016 calendar that John had had made for me .It is beautiful .Different photos of Rosie on every page .A couple I hadn’t seen before , which stopped in in my tracks . I was already digging very deep when Dermott O’Leary announced ( he was on the radio , not in my kitchen ) his next guests- The Mystery Jets .That was a heart stopper . From where I was sitting I could see William Rees’s ( the lead singer ) artwork on our far wall , on Rosie’s ‘We cluster and we stick’ portrait .Then it got weirder , they played some of their new stuff and then for their last track ,did a cover of David Bowie’s ‘Five Years ‘ . This took me right back to 2007 ,when Rosie and I were shopping in HMV Richmond . I bought 2 CDs – Maroon Five’s ‘Songs about Jane ‘ and David bowie’s ‘Ziggy Stardust ‘. Rosie put Ziggy Stardust on in the car on the way home and couldn’t get beyond ‘Five years’ .She played it over and over again . She loved it ,I loved it , I love her and once again the needles got stuck

I am so glad we did it

I admit it ,I am an out and out hypocrite .

I don’t tweet and I loathe The Daily Mail , but here is an article flagged up on Twitter, and thank God it was.

It concerns a young man ,Drew Graham, who is a friend of a friend and whom we spent several fabulous new years mini-breaks with . There were around seven families and so 30 to 36 of us . Two ( or maybe even three ) New Years were in Colehayes Park , Bovey Tracey Devon ,and 2 in a Youth Hostel overlooking Treyarnon Bay ,Cornwall .

They were happy ,happy days , full of dancing, walking , table tennis/ pool/ darts/ doms tournaments , old people getting drunk , young people getting drunk and throwing up ( no names-Jacob ) , games of Sardines, country dancing , New Years day hungover dads v children football matches – brutal , Rosie and Helen sinking in marshland , eating pasties in sub-zero temperatures, sledging , playing pass-the-bomb, the name-game, hide and seek , watching films, a cooking/ washing-up /clearing away rota , Costco food ,getting lost on Dartmoor when the fog descended and then driving back to the very spot the next day to realise we’d been on the edge of a precipice, the Mexican wave while taking it in turn to do lick swallow suck tequila shots , New Years Day quiz etc etc

In fact they were more than happy , they were dam amazing

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3388301/Disabled-ex-athlete-s-20-000-power-wheelchair-destroyed-dropped-airport-baggage-handlers-Icelandair-offered-just-1-000-compensation.html?ITO=1490&ns_mchannel=rss&ns_campaign=1490%C2%A0%E2%80%A6

We can sing .We can shine

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and we all know it anyway , but singing is good .

I always sing to some-one .Nine times out of ten it is Rosie , sometimes it is in the hope there is some supernatural being is listening , sometimes it is just to calm my anxious brain , sometimes it is to be part of something .

There is only one song I cannot bear listening to and that is Beyonce’s ‘Crazy in Love ” – and you know why …..When I hear it all I hear is Rosie’s distraught voice .It kills me

So this weekend has been a singing frenzy

After Mandy and I walked the Thames Path from Goring to Pangbourne , we went into the tiny Whitchurch village church , St Mary the Virgin , had a look around and then picked up a hymn book each . At first we did ‘let the page fall open ‘ and sing the hymn on that page , but because we’d never heard of most them , we went with , lets belt the ones we used to sing at school . I could never really understand why in South London we had to sing ‘For those in Peril on the Sea ‘ – half my class hadn’t even been to Brighton – but we belted it out in Whitchurch .

Then last night I went to see my friend Chris sing in his choir – The Pink Singers . Every concert they do is better than the last . It was extra special last night as Chris arranged and conducted a huge chunk of the numbers .I felt like a proud parent .They finished with a tribute to Micro Rainbow International’s Interfaith Choir , again another one I can’t join as I’m not LGBT , a refugee or an asylum seeker and then sang 2 really uplifting songs- The Russian Eurovision 2015 entry ‘A Million Voices ‘ ( probably not one of Putin’s Desert Island Discs ) and Sia’s Chandelier .
We all left happy and relieved that we do not live in one of the 6 countries in the world, where to be LGBT carries the death penalty .

Easyjet’s your best bet

Got nothing much on this week ..then jet off to Amsterdam as this is the last week to view Balls Deep in Fuckery @ C+H art space: A collaborative two man show by Jacob and Mike Pratt.

The show runs until the 16th January.

Gallery hours: Thursday – Saturday 11:00-18:00.

Or by appointment: +31207530964, info@ch-artspace.com

Easyjet’s your best bet

Got nothing much on this week ..then jet off to Amsterdam as this is the last week to view Balls Deep in Fuckery @ C+H art space: A collaborative two man show by Jacob and Mike Pratt.

The show runs until the 16th January.

Gallery hours: Thursday – Saturday 11:00-18:00.

Or by appointment: +31207530964, info@ch-artspace.com

Thanks also to my friend Jane, who always remembers

It is 8 years ago today that I properly said good-bye to Rosie and I can honestly say ,it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life .

So today I have kept my head more occupied than usual .
I have worked, shopped and chopped- chopping is good …and while I chopped I heard this wonderful song and I wept as I thought of Rosie dancing around the kitchen . So I put down my knife and took her in my arms and danced with her to…..

”While you’re out there, remember I’m right here
And you belong to me

I only wanna hold you
I just wanna hold you
C’mon let me hold you
C’mon let me hold you
Tonight”

Thank-you Bryan Adams and your wonderful song ‘ You Belong To Me’.

Diet lasted 7 minutes

It’s January and so I got my near-virgin Spiraliser out the box .

Nothing has changed ,I haven’t lost 3 stone and neither do I look Jasmine or Melissa Hemsley

I couldn’t be arsed to make their Earl Grey infused Salmon with Lemon Courgetti, so I settled on cole-slaw ,with Jacob arranging the phallic looking left-over sticks of carrot amongst the Wilko night-lights on the mantlepiece- classy .

Apologies if it sounds as if the needle has got stuck

It’s weird isn’t it , none of us know what lies beneath .

Earlier yesterday I thanked the character ,Saga Noren , for taking my head to a very safe and distracted place. Later that day I read in the paper about the family values of Sofia Helin , the actress who plays her .

In the first paragraph she wrote ”Tragedy struck the family when I was 10 days old . My eldest brother was killed in a car accident .He was six. My grandmother survived the incident, but the loss devastated my parents . I think they went into shock for a couple of years .”

Then last week I was listening to an interview on the radio .The man speaking was a heavy- rock singer ,but he resonated with me as he had the gentlest of voices .It was Robert Plant ,lead singer of Led Zeppelin. In 1977 his five-year-old son ,Karac ,died very suddenly of a stomach infection. That man is rich as rich ,but still he has a broken heart .

And I defy anyone to be moved by the photo of the three-year-old Syrian boy Aylan Kurdi, who was washed up on the beach in Kos .I do not know if his parents are alive 9 his brother died too ) , but I can only imafgine they are as poor as poor.

All these thoughts and images whizz around in my head and I guess what i am trying to say in my cack-handed way , that the death of any child is tragic, heartbreaking and shocking .

So in the words of Burt Bacharach and Elvis Costello ‘God give me strength ‘.

Sorry if I’ve left anyone out

I don’t want this to sound like the bloody Oscars , but it is just a few thank-yous to those who have made 2015 good.

The biggest one goes to the NHS

and the rest go in no particular order

John , Jacob and Florence – because I love them so much it hurts

Saga Noren

The friends who have walked ,talked, watched stuff , eaten ,drunk , played scrabble . made curtains and camped with us .

Buncy for her Madeira cakes and Indian scooby-snacks

My students

Rosie’s friends , for never failing to make me laugh and creating the best buffets in the world

Bert and Darren

Walter White

The ladies in the early morning check-out team in West Ealing Sainsburies .

Patrick Ness

Fi Glover in ‘that’ Waitrose Magazine ( free not glossy )

Airbnb renters

and you’ll be sad to know that Emerald is still on the naughty step , and even though we’ve been warned, we still haven’t checked that mice haven’t got up her escape pipe ( quite frankly she deserves it )

7years and 1 day

That last entry is just the best ever – I can hear Rosie saying it .

I nearly didn’t put it on as I thought Freddie Lumberg was a year tenner , but I googled him and he’s a Swedish footballer , so that’s OK !

Last night it was as if Tom cruise was in the room – not in his Mission Impossible role or with his creepy Scientology hat on , but as Brian Flanagan in Cocktail .

Rosie’s friends came round and in her honour we pulled out her huge wall-mounted picture from ‘We Cluster and We Stick ‘ , looked at the paintings ,the collages, read the words ,threw cushions on the floor ( except me – I had a chair , would never have got up ) and created a range of classy cocks . To keep in the New Orleans theme , we started with Hurricanes, then went onto Whisky Sours, Negronis, Old Fashioneds and were going to end on Sazeracs ,but we were just too full ..of crawfish gumbo, jambalaya, mac’n’cheese, Mississippi mud pie . coleslaw etc etc

My head hurts a bit today , but is worth every minute of being close to the people who she was closest to .

This is more Rosie than I can ever describe

Yesterday Georgina put this on Facebook ,Jacob showed it to me and I LOVED it .
So with Georgina’s permission , I am posting it here .

12 November 2005, a MySpace message from Rosie to me after I told her that I had broken up with a boyfriend. A cracker of a message – so funny and so full of love:

“fuck him.. you have the exactly the right sttitude… men.. who needs em pah! he doesnt desevere a person like you anyway and im think he will realise when he stops being a total dickhead… knock the idiot dead! i wish i could have talked to you more today ..i wish i didnt have to rsush off… if u want 2 come round 2mrro or anytime in the week ..come..coz i will ALWAYS be there. u dont need the bastad..hmmmm i think freddies lumbergs in town and looking for your number so…
and im all ready pratising my dirty looks for that annoying fake year 10 er
soon it will get betterlike you said evry cloud has a silver lining and when u want we can go out and u cant paint the town red!
i love you so much
love rosie xxxxxxxxxxxx”

I love you so much , my knees ache with love

I am finding it unbearable to think about this day 7 years ago , so instead I am thinking about fifty years ago , when Jane used to put this record on the turntable and she would belt it out .

It never meant much to me , and now it does .
It means everything .
I sing it to Rosie .

So if you have about two and a half minutes spare, put it on , and sing it with me ,for Rosie , who I love and miss so very much that I hurt right down to my bones

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0Z575iU690

looking up a bit

I’ve gone all clumsy.

Clumsy in my words, my speech , my actions , my head , so apologies if this is a bit jumpy , odd, grammatically incorrect etc .It is what it is .

Even the skin on my face has come out in sympathy with my heart – it is bleeding and raw .

Anyway …..

I was in two minds whether or not to go .

I’d booked, paid, chosen my 3 courses , googled the map and then…I just didn’t feel up to it .

But in the end, I gave myself a talking to , and on Thursday around 11am got in the car drove to a riverside pub in Sunbury .

I had a huge wobble ( as did the car ) when I drove past the ice-skating rink in the front of Hampton Court Palace as the memory of Rosie’s ( 12th or 13th ) birthday celebration that she had there ,rose up through my stomach , into my head and slapped me in the face , and nearly came out of my mouth over the dashboard . ( I still find it weird that trauma effects your whole body )

But then I met my Compassionate Friends in the pub and I was glad I went .

Seven years ago ,I knew none of these people and yet when I am with them I can talk about stuff I would never ever say to anyone else – and they get it

It was lovely . We really laughed ,really cried and really empathised .No stupid platitudes or comparisons or skirting round the subject .

For a time , I was sitting next to Hazel and told her that when Florence was in hospital ,a few weeks ago , every morning on the way to visit her I walked past Edgware Road Underground Station . Daily I would pop in and just look at the flowers and the plaque and speak to her daughter ,Laura . And this may sound very silly , but Laura gave me strength.

Then yesterday ,my friend,Jane, sent me the link to The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby’s, website and this is just a snippet of the article I read

”Justin Welby’s daughter Johanna was killed in car crash 30 years ago when she was less than a year old. He spoke at a carol service held by Child Bereavement UK on December 10, a charity which supports families coming to terms with a loss.

“We never ‘get over it’ –  that’s such an atrocious expression  – but we do begin to rebuild,” said Welby in the service held at HTB, the charismatic church in central London attended by the Welbys before he was ordained.

“If we’re wise, and if we have wise friends who love us… eventually we begin to look up a bit.”

Alternative therapies

There’s nothing like a night with the London Gay Big Band and the London Gay Mens Chorus , followed by an afternoon at Ealing Soup Kitchen to make you forget how sad you are .

Rosie’s 26th Birthday-yesterday

Thanks for all your donations, flowers , cards and texts .
They mean a lot they really do .
They mean even more when you’re not feeling so chipper .
Wish I could think of something profound and deep and meaningful to write ,but I can’t, so i’ll stick with the words of one of the great philosophers of all time ,Tigger, who says
”Life is not about how fast you run or how high you can climb ,but how well you bounce”

‘The Girl With All The Gifts ‘ is next on my list

‘A Monster Calls’ is heartbreaking.
it made me weep – but then it was meant to make me weep ( I think )
Quite amazing that along with ‘The Knife of Never letting Go’ ,Patrick Ness should write so thought- provokingly and in such an unsentimental way about the impact the death of a parent/parents can have on their child.
He illustrates beautifully how people who are suffering with grief are vulnerable , isolated and sad and yet can be incredibly strong .
But tonight I do not have to read to get to sleep as Jacob is home .
So the four of us together and i feel safe under our battered old roof.

Has anyone else read it ?

It’s funny ( actually the last thing it is is funny , it is actually odd ) what trauma and fear does to the body .

With me , it manifests itself in fatigue and silence and slowness .The brain helps you to protect yourself .I find interaction with some people very tricky – will they say the wrong thing ? Of course ,never intentionally . but if they do ,I drown a bit more and find it hard to come up for air .

Texts, emails, thoughts, offers of visits, are good .

But please do not be offended if I say ‘no’ , it is normally because I am too weary and my self-protection mechanism has kicked in .There will always be other times, don’t stop asking or offering

But unlike the time just after Rosie died ,I am finding peace in reading and the books I’m finding the easiest to read are those written for the 13year old boy target-market .

So I liked John Boyne’s ‘The Boy at the Top of the Mountain’ and I’m enjoying Patrick Ness’s “A Monster Calls ….but I was completely blown out of the water by Patrick Ness’s ‘The knife of never letting Go’ – it took my breath away , and a bit like ‘The Bridge’ which we watched for the first time this weekend, I just cannot stop thinking about it .

Thank you Darren for the lovely photos

Let me just say the wonderful holiday we had , ended with Florence being rather poorly .
In respect to her I do not want to say too much .
In respect to us, no questions, just love.

I hope the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche was right when he said “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.”
I’ve done some research ( 1 click on google ) and it turns out he was .

Studies have shown that some trauma survivors report positive changes and enhanced personal development, called post traumatic growth (PTG). PTG refers to any beneficial change resulting from a major life crisis or traumatic event, but people most commonly experience a positive shift by having a renewed appreciation for life; adopting a new world view with new possibilities for themselves; feeling more personal strength; feeling more satisfied spiritually, and/or their relationships improve.

Laissez les bons temps rouler

We’ve had the mini-break , now it’s the maxi-break .
John and I are meeting up with Florence in Chicago airport ( how you do ) and flying down to New Orleans to spend 9 days with Jacob .

I’m so looking forward to it – my stomach hurts

Saw The Turner Prize entries too

I’ve got so much to write ,my head hurts .

But apart from the 5 hour delay back from Glasgow to Heathrow ( thank God for Scrabble , The Sunday papers John Kennedy Toole’s ‘A Confederacy of Dunces’ and a £5 BA voucher to be spent in the Stodge-Shop ), it was a brilliant mini-break .

I love a mini-break , come to that I love a maxi-break .

My shrink reckons I get the most out of ‘experiences’ , that is why I like doing stuff and going places . Grandma would say I’ve always been like that and just don’t particularly enjoy my own company .I’m not sporty or a shopper and sometimes I feel a bit trapped if there are too many people around me , so exploration suits me fine .

John and I went to Glasgow to see Christy Moore , spend time with Florence , drink Iron Brew and suss out the best Greggs in town . We managed 2 out of the 4 , plus eating African food, drinking Tusker , breakfasting at a diner , eating at a restaurant ,111bynico staffed by young people who’ve faced enormous challenges in their lives, plus other stuff

If you haven’t heard of Christy Moore , youtube him singing Biko Drum ,cos that was the song he played for ‘John and Rachel Dwyer from London ‘. We nearly fell off our respective perches onto the sprung dance-floor ( actually it was an all standing, all singing, all dancing gig ) when he gave us a shout out . We had no idea that was going to happen . A friend of ours (and his) asked him to do it . We were so shocked , we shouted to the people around us ‘That’s us’ .To which the people next to us shouted to their friends ‘that’s them’ and we all went hysterical . Such a great night out .

What a lovely start to the worst half-term of the year .

I love that city

Why would anybody want to see Christy Moore in the sterile environment of the Royal Festival Hall when you can see him in The Barrowland Ballroom ,Glasgow ?.

The place is notorious , Amy MacDonald wrote a song about it .

So tomorrow ,for John’s nearly big birthday , we are jetting up there ,landing at 8 , checking into Citizen M at half past, breakfasting with Florence and Simon at 9 and wilting around 11 .

inspired by the memory of Margareta Sol Kubitz

I’m off to Brighton today .Because of the weather we’ve decided to give the nudist beach a miss and head for fish and chips in Fishliquor and classy cocks in Twisted Lemon . My lovely job-share, Juliette, lives in Brighton , so she is my suggester of places to go . Anyway before I head for the station , I thought i’d write a bit of half-term drivel on this-odd-sort–blog-thing ( to be honest ,I’m still a bit embarrassed about it – even though I passed on the link to one Of The Soupy Guests on Sunday, I like to think of Rosie’s life and pictures shared with every person who might be interested ) . I was going to write about the usual old stuff , keeping busy , going to Rye on the train , seeing Marnie’s Bench ,watching great TV – Fargo, The Job Lot and Catastrophe, but all the time thinking about Keith Richard . Did you hear him on Sunday’s Desert Island Discs ? In the interview, he spoke about the moment in 1976 when he heard about the death of his two-month-old son Tara. He says he felt compelled to go on stage that night – or he would have ended up ‘shooting himself’.

He’s in the same bloody awful club as me .

But that old phrase has become a bit of a cliche.So I googled it and this is what I found

”I am a member of a club I don’t want to belong to. I didn’t voluntarily sign up for it, yet I’m forced to be in it for the rest of my life. The cost of admission to this club was at an impossible price, but it was taken from me anyway. The price was my child’s life. My membership card is my child’s death certificate.

I am the parent of a dead child.

I have found that this club tends to keep to itself because its very existence makes most non-members too uncomfortable. Members of this club are the unwelcome reminders that a family’s worst fear can come true. The death of a child has often been described as “unnatural”, and yet it happens every day, all over the world. And still, these parents and their families often grieve in silence long after the funeral ends. There is no “getting over it”; they grieve as long as they are a member of this club.

It doesn’t matter the age of your child when they died; membership in this club changes you forever. It changes your understanding of life itself. It changes your demeanor. It changes your reactions to everything around you. And these changes can have some nasty side-effects. It can cause long-standing marriages or relationships with family or friends to abruptly come to an end for a variety of reasons. It can challenge your faith and rock your belief system to its core. It can cause health issues, or even lead you into deep depression and further isolate yourself from the world.

Membership in this club also brings a torrent of everyday challenges that non-members just don’t understand. For example, once simple questions like, “How are you?” or “How many children do you have?”, become sources of great pain and internal debate. Should you answer honestly and risk exacerbating your pain and feelings of isolation due to the expected horrified look or obvious discomfort of the person asking when they hear your answer? Or do you lie and give the expected answer based on whether you think you’ll ever see the person again, but then feel further isolated or even guilty for seemingly betraying your dead child? This is just one of many examples of dilemmas you never thought you’d have to face.

Even though the pain will last forever, over time, being a member of this club can offer some unexpected benefits. It can give you a greater appreciation of how precious this life of ours is, and make you no longer take certain things for granted. It can teach you a deeper sense of compassion, empathy, and gratitude. It can improve your relationships with yourself and others. It can even lead you towards a life with a greater sense of purpose and meaning. I have experienced all of these benefits, and am truly grateful for these gifts. But given the choice, I’d give up my membership in a heartbeat.

I’ll always hate being the parent of a dead child.”

And sadly , all of that is true

same old same old

Oddly enough it is quite mental-health affirming when I read someone writing this .
It helps me realise I am not mad or bad , just sad , and there is a reason I feel like I do – it is most peoples worst fear ..

”Guardian Saturday 24.10.15
Q&A
Louis de Bernieres, author

Q.What is your greatest fear ?
A. Having one of my children die before I do .It’s the reverse of what i used to say.I used to hope I would die before my parents as I couldn’t cope with it, but of course you do when you have to ”

Did you notice the new photos?

Thanks to Bert for 84 months of setting up , managing ,tweaking and running Rosie’s website . We really appreciate it and never ever underestimate ant how much work it involves .

But now Bert has passed the baton to Darren ( our Soupy friend ) and he is running with it and choosing photos and managing the techy stuff , which is brilliant and to him we are very very grateful .

It takes a weight of our minds , as we never ever want Rosie to be forgotten , but we haven’t got the energy ( or skills ) to do it ourselves .
(This was written by the one person in the western hemisphere who does not have a smart phone )

In homage to Olivia Newton John

Went and got myself a bit of culture and a lot of cheese ( and not in the Edam sense )

‘The Sting’ at Wilton’s Music Hall and The African Art fare at Somerset House , was the culture bit .

‘Xanadu’ was pure cheese .

Anyone who can write a musical set in Venice Beach about a Greek muse, a roller-skating disco ,forbidden love with a mortal , deserves a bloody Oscar

And she meant it

It’s Jane’s birthday ,
so in her honour I’ve cranked up the volume on Mama Cass Elliot’s ‘ Make your own kind of music’ .
In our ‘lets go out and drive anywhere days’ we used to put her Mama and Papa’s cassette in the player of her little Mini-Traveller Estate , turn it up to full volume and belt it out as we drove to Brighton , or London or Gatwick Airport ( just to watch the planes take off ) .
Then once when i told her the people in the next car to us at the traffic-lights were staring at us because they thought she was Nana Musurki and she really upset me by saying ,no it wasn’t because they thought she was Nana , it was that they thought I was Mama Cass!

From ACE Africa

Dear Ace Supporter

Last week Ace Founders Joanna Waddington and Augustine Wasonga made a very special trip to the UK to attend Joe’s investiture at Buckingham Palace. Joe was awarded an MBE by HRH The Princess Royal on the 6th October, for her services to deprived children in Kenya and Tanzania.

This is an outstanding achievement for Joe and is testament to her dedication in establishing and developing Ace Africa over the last 14 years. We are all very proud and believe it is a fitting recognition for the hard work that Joe and the teams in Kenya and Tanzania have committed to Ace Africa over the years and in particular to the plight of the children and communities with whom we work.

Our programmes in Kenya and Tanzania and our fundraising arm in the UK, have continued to grow with exciting developments, all thanks to your support. Please do read below to sample a snapshot of some recent activities.

As always, we thank you for your invaluable support and helping us to get to where we are today.

Asante Sana from us all,

Ace Africa

I joined in the chorus

‘I thought ‘Amy’ was a wonderful film .

I defy anyone not to be moved by it , or to fall in love with her , or want to protect her .

But of course it is about a young girl who died .

So by the end when the credits rolled and were played out by her singing ‘Valerie’, I was transported back to an afternoon in early 2008 when I was driving Florence, Natalie and Rosie somewhere around Ealing the tiny Chevy and that song came on the radio .All at once the 3 of them burst into song knowing every last word .It was fantastic

Happy ,happy take-for-granted, happy times

Moscow for beginners

FIrstly good news about NadIya

Secondly , wIth all the racIst crap they have been wrItIng ,more reason NEVER to buy ,read, touch or wrap your chIps In ..The DaIly MaIl.

ThIrdly Moscow was amazIng – In fact more than amazIng – just brIllIant .

At the age of 11 ,I was blessed wIth a lovely frIend ,Jane and It was Jane who InvIted me to share In her privilege of gettIng 2 free return Club-class European BA flIghts .My job. to choose the destination and book the hotel .me being me , picked the furthest destination and one that I’m unlikely to visit ever again

So by 9 am on Thursday we were sitting on a plane ,In a pod type thingy ,drInkIng champagne , eatIng everythIng put In front of us and chattIng to the 3 crew who were up our end wIth 5 passengers – 3 of whom were asleep . They actIvely encouraged us to look round, go upstaIrs ,help ourselves to whatever we wanted from the galley kItchen . At one poInt I suggested a game of SardInes , but they weren’t allowed to leave the deck ,so It made hIdIng very dIffIcult .So Instead I watched two thIrds of the fIlm ‘Amy’

I could wrIte reams about Moscow…the lovely people, walkIng In the snow In Red Square, walkIng In the 9 domes of St BasIl’s Cathedral , the spotless streets , vodka shots, beer and cabbage rolls In Gum, havIng the hotel swImmIng pool and sauna to ourselves, doIng the bus-tour to gIve ourselves an hour to re-charge, seeIng embalmed LenIn In hIs mausoleum, walkIng round The KremlIn , loosIng ourselves on the spectacular Metro , eatIng at one very old-school RussIan restaurant- PushkIn , eatIng at one very modern,hIdden restaurant ,DelIcatessen .drInkIng Moscow Mules, NegronIs and Long Island Iced Teas for about a fIver each , havIng lunch at the BolshoI , seeIng a very weIrd exhIbItIon by Andrey Bartenev at the Museum of Modern Art and managIng to get absorbed Into a very trendy photographer ,Elena Gromakova’s ‘Contemporary Ornament’ book launch at the O2 rooftop bar …….you know how I love a vIew , so for the fIrst nIght I’d booked us a table for dIns at thIs hIgh-up restaurant .A couple of weeks before I’d receIved a lovely emaIl response promIsIng us a table wIth a vIew lookIng over the KremlIn . What we weren’t expectIng was to be totally Immersed In up-market-beautIful ( thInk very tall with painted faces Kate Mosses and Jourdan Dunns lookielikies ) type people and then plIed wIth champagne , kIwI cocktaIls, sour cherry cocktaIls and fed enough canapes to sInk a battle shIp and enough champagne to float a U boat . We were then InvIted to watch the lIve entertainment ( thInk a ChInese Bjork and her band ), presented wIth the photographers book and joIned on our settee by 4 of the stylIsts – 2 of whom had flown In from the UkraIne and who InsIsted wIth had our photos taken wIth them .It was surreal .

It was nearly surreal as the flIght back when everythIng on board when tIts up – TV’s dIdn’t work , wrong food delIvered etc .The crew were lovely and just made sure everyone had a full glass and we were havIng a fIne tIme untIl the lady In the row behInd told the CabIn ServIces DIrector and us ,to gIve our voIces down .

It was just lIke beIng back at The PInk SIngers when I was told not to clap so loudly .

Just sat back , pressed my ‘massage button’ , felt the sky move and watched the last third of ‘Amy’.

Tamal to come second

I should be learning my Russian pleases and thank -yous …….Пожалуйста and спасибо, but instead I’ve been down to Paddy Power to put my 50p on Nadiya to win bake-off.

I love her and my favourite was that arctic roll type thing she made with the pink rococo swirls in it

Kindness

On the last page of The Sunday Times Style magazine there is a stupid column written by 2 separate people who are looking for love . Cosmo is 61 and Dolly is 27 .

I read it because it is quite light and funny and it makes me laugh .Well it was up until 4 months ago when Cosmo’s son ,Jack , killed himself .He was 29.Now Cosmo writes differently and yesterday he wrote of a subject very close to my heart – Kindness .

Be warned- this doesn’t make for easy reading

Yesterday Cosmo wrote

”I’m fed up with Love: always looking for it. Always dreaming of it. Always praying for it. Everyone talks about Love, sings about Love, writes poems and operas about Love. So today’s column is not about Love. It’s about Love’s distant and much-neglected cousin, Kindness.

Nobody writes lyrical odes or tragic operas to kindness. The quiet decency of kindness seems a bit bland compared with the loud drama of love. When love breaks your heart, kindness puts the kettle on and listens to you cry. To be called kind isn’t much of a compliment ;it’s rather like being called nice.

There’s something more admirable about kindness though.With love there’s always an element of self-interest; it’s usually about you and your desires. Getting love. Giving love. But kindness is something we do for others with no expectation of reward or recognition .

I recently experienced the kindness of a stranger that touched my heart . I had an email from a young woman who lived in the same house as my late son.She was one of the people who discovered his dead body, slumped on the floor of his shoebox of a room..

You can imagine what a shocking and disturbing sight that was for her.And if she had instantly have fled the house, nobody would have blamed her .After all, she hardly knew my son. he was just this strange, quiet young man who lived upstairs.he kept to himself..They had exchanged nothing but a few hellos.But she didn’t leave the house.

After the paramedics had come and gone and the other housemates had left the building and the police were standing outside, she stayed in that house and waited for someone to collect my son’s body.

Why did she do that ? Why didn’t she rush off to take comfort in friends or family?

No, she just sat alone in her room with the dead young man alone in his room because she didn’t want him to be on his own. She felt somebody should be there in the house, to keep him company as it were . She told me ”Maybe it’s silly but…I didn’t want to leave the house before they came to take him”

There was no reason for staying in that house.It was not an act based on love or even friendship.This was the simple kindness of a stranger for a stranger- and for a stranger who wasn’t even alive. It doesn’t get much kinder than that .”

Rosie and me go into the city

While John watches Ireland v France at the Olympic Stadium , I took myself and Rosie ,who was right in the front of my head , into London .

That may sound silly to you- but sometimes she just is . Sometimes I have to apologise to her as I move her to one side so I can get off with stuff . At other times I may tell her not to listen to people as they say stupid stuff or I have a rant to myself or cry silently ( usually while pretending to listen to someone talking to me ) . But today we went out together.

We sang ( very badly ) with the LSO and a community choir at St Luke’s Church ,Old Street .We sat by the fountains in The Barbican and watched children play in the spray .We lit a candle in St Paul’s Cathedral and then we came home and ate leftovers

They queue at bus-stops.How wonderful is that ?

The torn out Liverpool town centre page of an old GB road atlas did us proud .We didn’t get lost once.

It was a great day , apart from the crap coffee on the Virgin train everything went like a dream .

The people of Liverpool were lovely and chatty and funny and Colin ( never met him before ) even offered to show us round.

We oohed and aahed at the exhibition , watched a 10minute video of Chris talking , posed outside The Cavern Club , had sad faces when we found out The Mersey Ferries weren’t running til 6pm , had happy faces when we walked all round the docks in the sunshine , ate and drank loads at Delifonseca then came home.

I had never spent a whole day with Rowena before and it was good.

I explained to her that sometimes I go quiet and I cannot speak a word to the person I am with. I’ve learned that my grief can be loud ,and when it is ,I try not to speak over it.

It’s on days like these i wish i had a smart phone with a maps app , not just a photocopied sheet from my old A-Z

I’m off to Liverpool , never been before and I’m quite excited .
Chris Stevens , the artist who painted the big picture of Rosie for ‘We cluster and we stick’ and which now hangs in our hall , has curated an exhibition called ‘Reality’ at the Walker Gallery .
He has big names in it …Freud, Rego , himself … and Jenny Saville- I LOVE Jenny Saville ( specially her big naked ladies ) .
Anyway back to our portrait of Rosie , a few things you might not know-
Chris chose the photo from which to base his painting on .We gave him a memory stick of photos and asked him to chose ( now I think back , that was a big ask ) whichever one he wanted
The photo he chose is particularly poignant as it is a photo Florence took of Rosie modelling the dress that she (Florence ) had made of her Textiles design Technology GCSE final piece So Rosie was really posing for the camera .
Chris painted a parakeet at the top of the painting and then later painted over it in white- you can sometimes see it faintly in the background.

We have a lot of parakeets in Ealing

Chris was so nervous about showing us the painting ,he asked Stu and Jo Cummins to go round and see it first

Chris’s wife .Heather, worked with Anna Shutz’s Mum,Gill, so that is how Chris contacted Rosie’s friends .

Rosie loved Chris Steven’s work . She often said when she was older ,if she could afford it , she would buy one.

A cruel irony .

The knees have taken a hammering

They did it !

Judy and Jane ( another TCF ) did it in 9 hours and Hazel in 12.5.

I am so pleased for them , and what a lovely way to remember and celebrate their girls’ lives .

It’s hard enough having a broken heart and sometimes something as simple as putting one foot in front of the other isn’t all that easy , so to climb Ben Nevis is amazing .

It’s made me smile and cos I’m so self aware of my pain, I’m thinking what can I do for Rosie in 2018. , but there again ,I cannot bear to think about 10 years without her .So for reasons of preservation I’ve had to put those thoughts out of my head

Thank you Liz for telling me about your climb .

I googled Croagh Patrick- it looks stunning and how significant to climb a mountain with that name .

How we love the name Patrick . Rosie’s Granddad was called Patrick , her dad, John Patrick and her brother ,Jacob Patrick .

I’m said this before , and it probably sounds really stupid to people who haven’t suffered the devastation of their child dying , but i feel really protective of young people who have died . So you writing about your climb for Patrick , made me think strongly and fondly for him , although we’ve never ever met

me again

I hope you’ll all join with me in sending positive energy to my dear friends Judy and Hazel who are climbing Ben Nevis on Sunday .
They are doing in this for their daughters Angela and Laura , who both tragically died ten years ago .
They are doing it to make not only make Angela and Laura proud ,but to make them laugh … wherever they may be

I don’t think John’s as keen to go as me – Emerald isn’t big enough for a flat-screen

Last night
Local pub , John Archer , a ukelele and some brilliant illusions .
NPDT
( near perfect distraction therapy )

Also..
Emerald has made it off the naughty step and is being taken to Walberswick for a Saturday night 80th birthday party ( which happens to be at the same time as one of the most important matches in the rugby world cup ) .
We are then hitting Aldeburgh for a Sunday afternoon hook-up with friends ( which also happens to be at the same time as Ireland are playing )
we have all the essentials packed…..hotty bottles, thermals , scrabble, whiskey ,air sea rescue phone numbers etc etc

Nim

I am well aware that life isn’t neat and tidy , but some people just seem to have more than their fair share .
A bloody bus drove into the front of Nim’s restaurant ,Thai Crystal, yesterday .
In the grand scheme of things it is nothing , except it is .
It is a whole big pile of pants poured on top of a very kind ,sad and heartbroken person who deserves to have good stuff happen to her .

She was always the scruffiest one

Read on , it’s not about the Zumba ,I promise………

Last night I went to Zumba .

Not my usual Monday one , as Karen the teacher was sick , but my usual Wednesday night one , which is a bit further away in a different direction to the Monday night one .

I set off ,on foot at around 7.45.

I walked down the road , turned right ,walked about 50yards and felt sick ,and tearful and my huge sadness suddenly overwhelmed me .I just froze .

And all because I walked past the scout hut where Rosie, ( and Helen and Georgina ) used to go to Monday night Brownies and it was round about that time in the evening I used to pick her up. Her beaming face came to me as clear as day . It made me stop in my tracks and my insides howled with pain and yearning for her .

In fact even now typing it ,I feel wretched .

Wish I could end it with a positive ,but I just can’t .
Funnily enough it is fine to walk past the hall on a Wednesday , but, I still can’t go to Waitrose on a Tuesday or a Saturday after 2pm .

My birthday present

Some people were at it for nearly 24 hours , John and I managed just 9 and that was amazing …steamy , exhausting ,always beautiful although sometimes rather smelly.

We even managed to fit in a flask of coffee , 4 Eccles Cakes , a trip to The Packhorse in Bewdley for a couple of pints and a Desperate Dan Cow Pie ( each ) and a walk by the river to Arley .

You can’t beat a Gala Day on the Severn Valley Railway .

The Compassion Tour

”we have to focus on the promotion of human value .

Human value is about recognising we are all part of the same species. The old thinking about ‘my nation’ and ‘my people’ is outdated .We have to think of the entire humanity as ‘we’.”

and in response to

what is the meaning of life?

”If you can serve other people then do.

If you have no ability to serve than at least avoid harming others. Remain honest and truthful and then many people will be your friend and feel happy. But without honesty, truthfulness and transparency, then even powerful leaders will not be happy.

There are certain things you do not know but if you pretend that you know them your face will become red .If you say ‘I do not know’ , then no problem !”

Wish it was me that said that , but it wasn’t ,it was the Dalai Lama .

I LOATHE goodbyes , can’t really cope with them

You think that after a 35hour train journey from near the border of Kazakhstan to Beijing ,while sleeping on a top bunk in such a small space your nose touches the ceiling , a 90minute delay on the overnight Megabus from London to Glasgow ,wouldn’t be too bad .

But it is and and I feel sorry for my Florence being on a bus load of angry people .I told her to keep her head down and get stuck into the mixed nuts ..

Earlier today , Florence and I conquered the 4 peaks . Most people do the 3 in 24hours , we did the scaled down version ……… Northala Fields in 47minutes .

On our descent we had a frothy coffee in the cafe and I bumped into a couple of sibling students I used to teach . One of them was a fabulous actor and has just had his own show at the Edinburgh Fringe .

Got home and googled the review

http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2015/aug/28/the-misfit-analysis-edinburgh-festival-review-pleasance-courtyard-cian-binchy-autism

Cian hopes to bring ‘The Misfit Analysis ‘ to Ealing . I hope he does

For Jane

Saw something amazing on Friday night .

It was nearly up there with ‘Our House’ performed by the residents of Belmarsh Prison .

But Friday nights ’25 Amici Drive’ was performed by The Lyric Theatre’s resident dance theatre company ,Amici, who in their words are ‘ a group of integrated able-bodied and disabled artists and performers who challenge conventional attitudes to disability and the arts’. The company was founded by the dancer ,Wolfgang Strange , and I am fortunate enough to have been part of his workshops when he came to my school .

It was bloody brilliant .

I find it hard to describe it without sounding patronising or condescending . But when you see an elderly disabled woman carefully manoeuvre herself out of her wheelchair onto the floor , while her ASD son seeks her out and explores every inch of her face with his hands , it was hard not to be moved .It was beautiful and the point of the scene was their love for each other and her fear of what would happen to him when she was gone .

she sang

‘I don’t want to die before you

I don’t want to die before you

Please don’t let me die before you

Try to understand

If I live forever

I will make the sun shine rain upon your face

Just to be together

Try to understand

Maybe I will die before you

You don’t have to cry

One more kiss upon your face

Try to understand ‘

The play was about community , acceptance ,love , having a voice and being listened to and was dedicated to the ardent campaigner of rights for the disabled, Andrew Ashby Saunders who sadly died earlier this year

God knows why I do it , but I do

Did you watch the programme – brilliant wasn’t it ?

Changing the subject completely

I don’t know why I do it , is a sort of weird self-flagellation like a monk wearing a horse-hair vest used to do?

But I continue to test ( punish ) myself .

This week I did it 3 times

1.looked in my 1990 diary to check I did start in my current job 25years ago .

Turned out it was the 2nd September and I was more nervous about Jacob and Rosie going to their new child-minder,Viv. .

Jacob was fine , but Rosie kept up a protest for about 4 months , her final a act of defiance being throwing her dirty nappy onto Viv’s bed , while she was meant to be having a nap in the camping-cot . After a few words from Viv and then me , she calmed down and loved it there . In 2009 , both Viv and their subsequent childminder ,Bev , came to ‘We Cluster and we Stick’ .I loved them then and I loved them more for doing that.

2. En route to the brilliant Barbara Hepworth Exhibition at the Tate Britain, I walked across the forecourt of Chelsea College of Art ….doesn’t sound much , for me that was MASSIVE

Add to the fact ,this is probably the hardest term for me , as I am always thinking ..back in 2008 Rosie had just started at Chelsea, Jacob was in his 2nd year at Newcastle and applying to go to Istanbul , Florence was at Drayton starting her A’levels , John was considering a career change , Grandma was in Brigstock saying inappropriate thins to anyone who would listen and loving her weekly samosas/Maccie D / jerk chicken , I was plodding along … and we were so happy .

They say you shouldn’t live in the past – well whoever wrote that hadn’t experienced trauma .It is impossible not to think of the past – I don’t live in it , it lives in me.

3. After seeing Bab’s sculptures and lunching at the Garden Cafe at Lambeth Palace , I chose to walk south side of the Thames, opp the Houses of Parliament to the tube .I walked past the very spot where I had sat with Jane ( outside St Thomas’ Hospital ) , the day before she died .

That was a bridge too far , I came home and took my vest off .

I feel a film coming on

I expect you have all read ” A Confederacy of Dunces’ by John Kennedy Toole ,in which you won’t need to attend Jacob’s series of discussions about it ,during his 3month residency in New Orleans .

Yes as I type this ( after watching something equally high-brow…repeats of ‘The Job Lot’ ) he is jetting his way over there .

in case you are wondering …

no I haven’t read it ( never even heard of it until Jacob told us his good news )

and

I have bought it .In fact I gave it to John for a birthday present , so at long last he can put his Screw-Fix catalogue down and pick up something worth reading ( or not )

My rock ,John.

Today is Johnnies 59th and we have some friends coming round for a barbecue: dress-code-thermals .

Found out late last night we were meant to be spending it with 70+ of his other closest friends, but due to a balls up of communication via smartphone ( I don’t have one ) , we didn’t realise we were meant to be at Soupy this afternoon.

I always feel a bit guilty when I can’t go to Ealing Soup Kitchen as it can be quite hairy , especially on a bank-holiday weekend when many volunteers are away .

But saying that I ….a) didn’t cancel our barbecue b) invite them all to come on down to 106 , but I did say we’d help out next Sunday ,even though we have 3 Italian students arriving ( I’ve gone over all stressy just writing it ) .

Anyway ,just like Ronnie Corbett ,I digress .

Birthdays are lovely – a celebration of someone’s life .But for me , they are always incredibly sad and sort-of wrong .It just hi-lights Rosie’s absence .Yes ,I hear all the platitudes – she’s there in spirit , you had lovely times with her ,blah blah blah – but she is not here , she should be here and I am sad and I want her here, now ,with me, to hold and love .

..and of course I am happy for John , and glad that Florence and Jacob are having amazing adventures , but there is still a member of our family missing .

But , the really ,really good news is that despite having her cash-card swallowed, her back-up card not working , Simon’s card not working and her phone broken , Florence emailed John from Urumqi in the far west of China , to say ‘Enjoy the big day’

So with that endorsement ,we dam well will !

Ignore the words in italics , but i couldn’t write them out- The pet Shop Boys would not thank me

A friend , a really good friend , asked how I was ..no platitudes ,be honest she said .
We both like a bit of kitsch ,so I asked if I could reply in the style of Liza Minnelli .Good call , she said, until i launched into
‘The sun comes up, I think about you

The coffee cup, I think about you
I want you so, it’s like I’m losing my mind

The morning ends, I think about you
I talk to friends and think about you
And do they know it’s like I’m losing my mind?

All afternoon doing every little chore
The thought of you stays bright
Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor
Not going left, not going right

I dim the lights and think about you
Spend sleepless nights to think about you
You said you loved me or were you just being kind?
Or am I losing, losing my mind?

All afternoon doing every little chore
The thought of you stays bright
Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor
Not going left, not going right

I dim the lights and think about you
Spend sleepless nights to think about you
You said you loved me or were you just being kind?
Or am I losing my mind?”

She googled the words on her iphone , joined in and all the other punters on the terrace at pembroke Lodge ,Richmond Park , were dumbfounded .

Scrub out the word ‘Dorset ‘ from 2 entries ago

It’s taken me a long time to get over the betrayal /lack of support /feeblemindedness , and I honestly don’t think I’ll ever feel the same way about her again .

But , sadly, I have to tell you ……

Emerald let us down .

I don’t know if it was payback time for me reversing her into Mohammed’s car ( a fellow VW- the car that is )

but she just wouldn’t climb the steep ,muddy, storm-battered track, up to Eype House Camping Park .

She protested by skidding ,sliding and nearly setting herself on fire .

So there was nothing for it , but to reverse her back down , drive back to London and sit her on on the naughty step .

All a bit stressy

what a morning..
It is only 11am .
I’ve had my fingerprints taken .
I’ve handed in my passport .
I can’t leave the country for 7 days .
So I’m escaping to Devon and then Dorset .
Emerald is nearly ready for the big getaway

Rachel’s guide to Amsterdam

Get the first BA flight of the day – catch the cheese and ham croissant they throw at you

Don’t go into the city ( although it is beautiful , but we’ve been there loads before ) …

Stay on Rico

eat pickled herring butties from a stall

within 2 hours of arriving drink very strong beer, fall asleep on the roof of Rico and wake up ,with blue legs ( from the tarpaulin )

Go the Brouwerij – drink more very strong beer , meet up with Freya and Jacob’s friends Mike and Tom

Eat outside at ‘Rosa and Ritas ‘by the canal

Go to a bar , play Doms and Contract Whist .Meet the locals . Join in the sing-song around the piano .Fall out of the bar at 2.30

fall asleep on Rico

Wake up with wet legs ( no longer blue- although the sheets were ) having left the skylight open .

Eat huge breakfast , get the train to Utrecht, sight-see , marvel at the big organ in The Dom Cathedral . Find a lovely bar on the canal wharf, eat Bitterballen , drink more beer , play Scrabble – let Jacob win , watch the Stags and Hens sail past , Get the Sprinter Train back To Dam and then the boat to the north and have a fabulous dinner in an old metal container – Pllek . Boat back , another bar – play Doms ( not as in the cathedral , but as in the 28 tiles with dots on ) – Freya won , Contract Whist , stagger back , leap onto Rico .

Hire a car , get someone else to drive it ( Jacob ) and go walking in the most amazing national park, Kootwijkerzande.

Get very lost and very wet and marvel at where Jacob is going to set his next film ..think Serengeti meets the Black Forest meets The Southern Sahara .

Picnic in the car ,spot wild boar , drive home, dry out , eat big boat dins ,drink more beer ,watch Emily’s and Katie’s wedding videos .

Come home .

Thank you to Jacob and Freya for another wonderful weekend in Dam .

Happy Birthday to my baby girl.

Even though there are 1374911883 people in China , I still worry when there is a disaster .
But this morning, on her 23rd birthday , I had a text from Florence .
So even though the ATM’s swallowed her card , and the other emergency card I set up isn’t working , all is well with world .

Page 38 of Friday’s Evening Standard .. The 10 hottest tickets in town No.3 – Calling cool cats prom 35 :The Story of Swing We were there !!!

A huge big fat thank you to our dear friends ,Jane and Roy……. the real ones , not to be confused with the couple on the camp-site who had a lookie-likey camper-van, that John and I secretly drooled over ( think electric awning and enough space inside that there was no need for a safari tent ) .

Anyway ,back to J&R .

Last night we were part of a group of 20 lovely people who were out to celebrate Jane’s 70th .It was amazing . We were all treated to a huge big dins and drinkies and then went onto the Royal Albert Hall to see Prom 35 ,The Story Of Swing .

John and I are Proms virgins and this just blew us away . The atmosphere was fantastic and the performers , amazing .It was so happy .Two bands ,full of banter and humour and as for the music – out of this world .

So thank you to Jane and Roy not only for last night , but also for 25years of friendship and kindness and love and for all the support and empathy you have given us , especially in the last 6 years and 8 months . You are very special people .

Some people make your blood boil

Campsite etiquette

Day 1 .Once safari tent is erected , position chairs and table to give optimum people watching opportunities whilst actually not being too visual yourself

sit down

pretend to read paper

stare at people ( or in some cases , don’t even bother with the paper )

Day 2. Give people names

We had..

Mr and Mrs Buster – middle aged couple whose dog Buster did everything except what they asked him to do .

The Surfer. – man with a wet suit hanging up outside his tent and a beer in his hand

Jane and Roy – cos they had the same van as our friend’s Jane and Roy, used to have

The Tough Cookies – 3 people in 2 tiny tents that survived the gales

and finally

The Racists

Yes sadly , they are everywhere .

in the whole campsite there is one washing- up sink , so while washing,drying or waiting for your turn , you get chatting .

The conversation normally revolves around vans/tents/campsites/wind/walks etc ..and then may get personal ..where you live ( rarely names – probably as we’ve already given each other names ) etc .

I was going through the usual chat and I asked ”where do you live?” , to which the lady who was drying up , replied ( and not in a positive way ) ”Hereford – which used to be very nice ,but now it’s full of immigrants ”

I made my exit and spent the rest of the week avoiding her .

Then I thought about it and aren’t we all immigrants or emigrants ?

Take my little family ………..

Apart from J,J,and F ,I don’t have many blood relatives ( Mother was an only child , but Dad had 3 siblings ) .

My brother and ALL his family live in Denmark

4 of my cousins live in NZ , 2 in Aus ,1 in Dubai

I have 1 cousin over here

John’s Mum and Dad came over from Ireland

People like her make me very angry

We’re home

I’m guessing that Friedrich Nietzsche was camping on a Western Wales cliff-top campsite when he wrote .

“That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.”

It turns out that he was right.

It is like someone has taken the rug from under my feet

6 years, 7 months and 10 days later and I still don’t know when that overwhelming ,searing pain is going to hit me and this afternoon it did ….and it hit real hard .

I was in a good mood , don’t get me wrong I still am ,I am certainly not in a bad mood , but I am having to battle with a deep deep level of sadness .My threshold has been reached and I’ve sunk below it , but believe me ,I’m swimming very hard to get back to the surface ,where I can breathe and just ‘be’.

So here goes .

I’ve had a lovely week -nights out with friends, been taken up The Shard ( for breakfast ) , taught how to feed live maggots to Geckos ,had a budgie sit on my finger , heard from Florence in China , met friends for coffee and cake in the Petersham Nurseries , sat in the garden and stopped the cats from killing my frogs , got my OS map / book of Pembrokeshire walks out etc etc .

Today I put aside for packing , So this afternoon I was sitting on my bed ,facing the window sorting something out when this vivid memory came to me ……

It was around 15 years ago ,on a Saturday at around the same time and date and we were getting ready to go on our Keycamp holiday .The plan was that at around 6 we were driving to the Channel Tunnel and then on through the night , arriving in Spain in time for breakfast .Rosie, Florence and I were sitting on my bed ,I had the sewing box out and was doing some last minute repairs . Rosie being Rosie kept putting buttons in her mouth ,until the inevitable happened and she swallowed one . OMG , I was in a dither , I didn’t know what to do .I phoned NHS Direct and they said take her to casualty . What I hate to admit is that I was cross .Cross with her for doing it, cross with myself for being cross , cross with myself for doing the bloody sewing . Anyway ,all was fine .Casualty was efficient and we got the booked shuttle and the drive went well .We had a lovely holiday .

The story became a famous family one ,but in a funny sort of way .

So why did it come to me today ?

Because I love her , because I miss her , because all the sensory clues of time, space, light were there , because I feel guilty ?

Who Knows ?

All I know is that it is so hard and it makes me so sad I have a big pain in my chest just where my heart is

Qingdao sound familiar? That is where the beer is brewed

I’m learning fast about all things to do with China.

Florence is in Qingdao the mo .

Hopefully Miao Miao is also in Qingdao and has has hooked up with Florence in preparation for their road trip

Two Chinese teachers and 1 Chinese student are living with us .

Buddhists don’t eat meat and fish ( I knew that ) or onions,garlic or leeks

Lots of hairs make for a blocked plug hole

One in five of the worlds population is Chinese

We are off to Wales on Sunday and I have bought 2 new China mugs for Emerald.

I won’t bore you with ‘the things to do’ list

There is always stuff to be happy about and always stuff to be sad about and always stuff that pisses you off and always stuff to do etc etc

I can’t talk for everyone but if I phrase it like this it is not a cringey case of moi moi moi .

Now back to moi .

The happy stuff is . I’ve broken up .The fox poo ,stuck to big sheets of ply , is in the council tip . We had friends round on Friday night and we laughed a lot and I now know some Chinese nouns .The 3 Chinese students arrived late last night and one of them speaks better English than me – so no need for the nouns . Florence is in Istanbul. I wish was in Istanbul . I’m taking in students to pay to go to Istanbul .

The sad stuff , which isn’t sad at all ,was watching the 3 episodes back to back of ‘Married at First Sight’ . By the end of it ,I was furious with Jason , felt sorry for Kate- I would have married her , plus I was annoyed with Emma and felt sorry for James . I think there should be a spin-off where Kate and James get it together .

The very distressing stuff ..is reading about all these young people who have died so tragically . Nick cave’s son , Arthur .Kleyo De Abreu , who died bungee jumping .David frost’s son ,Miles who died while out running .

I in no way making their deaths out to be more significant than any other young person who dies anywhere else in the world .But , I guess they stick in my mind as they are named and live close and I can somehow imagine the pain their families are going through now and the constant sadness that will have to learn to live with .

I love it when J&F come home – but I also love it when they are having adventures

Boy Wonder returned to the fold for a few days .

It was lovely to have Jacob home .

He did the usual ..played footy ( lost ) , saw 2 exhibitions, met his mates , emptied the fridge ,edited a script , made us laugh , helped clear out the shed ( although balked at the idea of scraping up the fox poo- that was my job ) ..

and now he’s off to film a wedding in York .

Hope they are not expecting a traditional cheesy take on it

Bring back Fanny the Wonderdog

Saw Julian Clary last night , in a big tent , in Walpole Park .He was great – very very funny and a bit sad when he talked about his anxiety of returning to Ealing and where he went to school .

I last saw him live about 30 years ago .

Jane and I went to Fairfield Halls and were sat in the ‘special needs ‘area ( theatres are in the dark ages when in comes to people in wheelchairs )I

The whole first part of his act was a spoof on the TV programme ‘Mr and Mrs ‘. He invited a homosexual couple and a heterosexual couple up on stage and then asked them questions about each other, but they had to reply as to what they thought their partner would reply e.g. ”what would be your first choice of city for a weekend away?” .It sounds dreadful ,but he compared it well and it was very funny .They got points for correct answers and the homosexual couple won .

At the interval Jane and I were dogging down our Henkel Trocken ,when we overhead the couple sitting next to us’s conversation – ”are you enjoying it ?” …”yes thanks” , ”he’s funny isn’t he ?”…… ” yes ,but just one thing , what’s a heterosexual?”

We were hysterical ( didn’t take much )

There’s been cutbacks – NO fireworks after we’d belted-out ‘Red Red Wine’ and the lights went off

I think , with the help of the Japanese , I have found the answer .

Not to the big babies – the meaning of life or the meaning of death or why bad stuff happens or will we see our loved ones again or why grief strangles us

but

to what to do if you are feeling a bit sad or a bit low or your mind is doing cartwheels but not in a happy way

and the answer is…..karaoke ( or in my case singing along to a well-know tune ,with other people , but managing to stay slightly off the beat and out of tune )

So this week , because I am missing my kids , a friend died too young , it was the anniversary of the July 7th bombings, my hands are red raw ( this happens every summer – so I should be used to it by now ) , another friend’s daughter is proper poorly in hospital and the yearning for Rosie is particularly strong , I got stuck in

On Wednesday ,it was with my students at our Open-Mike-Beach-Party-Karaoke . Did OK with ‘Yellow Submarine’ and ‘Summer Holiday’ ,but struggled with ‘Frozen’ ( shouldn’t have been in there anyway .)

On Thursday , it was with Burt Bacharach at the Meunier Chocolate Factory . Burt wasn’t actually there , but about 8 extremely talented performers belted out his numbers .’Say a Little prayer’ , I sang to Rosie

On Friday I rested my vocal chords

On Saturday John and I joined Ali,Astro , Mikey and the rest of UB40 in Kew Gardens for a 3,000 strong singalong .We all then tried to get on the 65 bus .

I feel a bit more empowered to cope with my sadness today

CC

Sadly ,a friend from Ealing , Celia, died yesterday .
Sending love and strength to her husband,Tim , and her son, Christopher.

Sally – my answers

I think having met Julie, and knowing Hazel , i feared there might be some parts of the drama that Hazel couldn’t bare to see or would cause her too much pain , but the only comment Hazel texted me afterwards was that that the drama had depicted her daughter , Laura accurately ,as she stood on the Edgeware Road train .Laura had very beautiful curly hair .
Personally I found the beginning Nicholson family scenes a bit cheesy , but on the whole ,the thing was incredibly moving and honest .
The news report an incident like this as ‘a tragic event’ ..but for those people whose had a loved one who died ,it is not an ‘event’ ,but an overwhelming life-changing on-going hell, that they have to learn to live with/through/alongside.
As for John – him cycling the extra 9km , meant I didn’t have to get up at 6.30 and drive to Dunwich to pick him and his bike up – isn’t he kind ( or aren’t i lazy ?!)

Hazel’s first interview

http://www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/london-life/hazel-webb-mother-of-77-victim-the-bombings-made-me-think-some-people-are-born-evil-i-am-still-too-sad-to-be-angry-10368546.html

In case you don’t want to read Hazel’s interview , she ends by saying
”Laura is involved in everything still.
The last thing I say in the evening is goodnight to her and the first thing i think of in the morning is Laura.”

happy and sad stuff

He made it .

At around 7.15am a lone cyclist appeared around the village green in Walberswick. He hadn’t lost the other 2,000 cyclists , just said good-bye to them at Dunwich and peddled another 9 km ( totalling 209) on for a full English at Shirley Ann’s .

It was good to have John home safe and sound …I always worry.

Changing the subject somewhat, as you probably know ,I have a dear friend, Hazel, who I met through The Compassionate Friends.

Hazel also became a friend to Grandmama , as she too ,had trained as a nurse at St.Mary’s and now runs the museum there .

Tragically, Hazel’s daughter ,Laura, was murdered in the July 7th London bombings, ten years ago . Through Hazel ,I have met Julie Nicholson whose daughter ,Jenny, also died that day .Laura and Jenny were travelling in the same carriage on the Edgeware Road train ,when that bomb went off. Since that dreadful day Hazel and Julie have become friends.

Julie has written a book ,’Song for Jenny’ , which tonight is being showed as a drama on BBC1.

I don’t know what to say except ,Julie is a remarkable ,honest,grieving,kind,woman..and I for one ,will be watching it and hoping it is televised in the way ,both she and Hazel think is OK

I have modelled my training on that of Vincenzo Nibali

The Tour de France starts on Saturday 4th July .

It consists of

  • 9 flat stages
  • 3 hilly stages
  • 7 mountain stages including 5 summit finishes
  • 1 individual time trial
  • 1 team time trial
  • 2 rest days
  • so in honour of this great sporting event ,and because we are missing the sea, the hills and the rivers so much ,John and I are doing our own version .
  • John’s consists of …….
  • packing lots of Scooby-snacks, an inner-tube , a waterproof .
  • Then meeting thousands of strangers at dusk in Hackney Fields and cycling 200km overnight to the beach at Dunwich . Queuing half an hour for an ice-cream ( bacon buttie queue is too long ) and then falling asleep behind a sand-dune with a deck-chair over his head. Being driven home by me
  • Mine consists of
  • a drive to suffolk .2 rest days , a flat walk to the pub/harbour/fish smokerie .An individual time-trial – how long it takes me to run from the beach-hut into the North Sea at 7am .A team time-trial – how long it takes Matthew,Caroline ,Shirley Ann and I to run into the sea ,when we only have 3 pairs of beach shoes between us . A go on a mountain bike and the avoidance of any hills whatsoever

I wish I was back in Caunes Minervois

Managed to do a whole load of frolicking and absolutely no throwing – never even went near the wheel .

I’ve come back in love with so much stuff ..

mainly Russell the dog

Rowena

The Languedoc

The L’argent Double ,which is the river that runs through Rowenas land and has it’s own waterfall – John ( gooseberry ) ,Russell and I walked for miles in that river .

Set prix dinners – 4 courses and a glass of rose for 15euros

The family beach at la Franqui

The teepee of love

Avon’s ‘Skin so soft’ ( smells like granny’s knicker drawer ‘ but keeps the mossies of your watermelon )

the wine , the chocolate ,the cheese the pastries , the bleeding obvious etc etc

West Ealing just isn’t doing it for me – didn’t help that my 4 fat-balls were still intact- not one bird had come near them and there was a stiff dead frog covered in flies in the middle of my lawn

Au revoir

I’m going to take it seriously this time .

No more chucking on bits of clay , sticking my thumb in it and expecting it to come out looking like Grayson Perry’s ‘The Tomb of The Unknown Craftsman’

John and I jetting off to Carcassonne to spend nearly a week ( I’m owed 3 days of work ,hence the mid-term-mini-break, although God knows why I have to justify it ) staying my friend Rowena’s at ( rural ,in a valley with a stream and a waterfall ) Ammonite Pottery .

Should be lovely , once we’ve got over the huge argument that is likely to occur when we leave the airport in our Thrifty car and I’m in charge of the map .

if it wasn’t for the fact we’re flying Ryanair ,I’d be bringing a whole dinner service home

So true

I have a friend ( yes another one ) who has had some pretty bad stuff happen to her in her life , yet still she looks out for me.
She has empathy and love and is always happy to listen to how I feel , or help me try to express how I feel .I Know ,she knows ,how hard I find all that , and how hurt I am by some of the friends who have withdrawn .I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter, but sadly ,to me ,it does

This weekend she showed me the article in Saturday’s Guardian written by Cathy Rentzenbrink . The article was about Cathy’s love for her brother Matty ,who, at the age of 16 was knocked down and remained in a coma until he died eight years later . She ends with this paragraph

”My sadness is infinite. I no longer expect that my tears will come to an end. I am no longer surprised that my reservoir of grief is so full and refillable. And because I am no longer surprised, I am much better able to live with it. I weave it into my days. I can cry and laugh at the same time.”

It’s a big front garden

She did us proud …got up those hills – despite the fact she was carrying half the contents of our house – we just cannot travel light .

The alarm didn’t go off – probably cos we have immobilised it

The fridge worked- beers and wine were cold , even a little frozen – all the rage in The Chilterns

John and I are just back from a wonderful mini-break .

The first night we hooked up ( literally ) with some friends in their camper-van Velma ( named after the character in Scooby Doo ) and we barbecued, walked, played Scrabble ( lost ) , played boules ( lost ) and then for the second night we went on to some other friends where we showered, scrubbed up , barbecued and then camped in their front garden .

A lovely way to spend Father’s day , which falling on the 21st and with Florence and Jacob away , is not easy

First outing of the year

What do you do ..when Jacob is off fighting to regain the title in an International football tournament ,Florence is up a mountain in Serbia ( we think ) , Miao Miao is in 青岛啤酒厂 ( we also think – hasn’t replied to my emails ) , Shayan, Brian and Adrian have gone back to Barcelona , media attention has run dry ( joke )
… you refill your portapotti , check your gas cylinder , dig out your Imodium Plus and head for the Chiltern Hills .

Emerald is on the move !

The MBE…at last

You might not want to bother reading the free Waitrose Magazine this week , but feast your eyes on this …

”Dear Ace Supporters,

We are thrilled to announce that Ace Africa founder, Joanna Waddington, has been awarded an MBE in the Queens Birthday Honours list, for her services to deprived children and communities in Kenya and Tanzania.

In 2002, with co –founders Augustine Wasonga and Anthony Okoti, Joe conducted research in Bungoma, Western Kenya on the impact of HIV and AIDS on these rural communities. It was upon this research that Ace Africa was born. With her fellow founders, she established a holistic, long term development programme to address the devastating impact of HIV and AIDS on community and children with a focus on Health, Child Rights and Protection and Livelihoods.

Starting on a shoestring, she was responsible for securing grants and support from individuals, trusts and foundations, including the first Comic Relief grant in 2004.

Joe lived and worked in Bungoma for six years, a testing environment for any outsider. In 2008, she moved to Arusha, Tanzania, where she established Ace Africa (TZ) and where she continues to live and work as the Country Director.

Through her courage, determination and passion and with the extraordinary support of the professional and dedicated Ace Africa team, Ace has transformed the lives of hundreds of thousands of vulnerable children and their families.

On behalf of us all, we would like to thank Joe for her long-standing commitment and congratulate her on this remarkable achievement.

With very best wishes,

Ace Africa Team”

News from Florence ( my baby not the city )

She and Si are in Serbia and have had a tough climb up a mountain with the locals to celebrate a specific traditional day. At the end there was a big party where they were showered with gifts and were invited to make speeches.
Hopefully they kept their clothes on ,so not to get banged up in a Malaysian jail ( highly unlikely in Serbia)

Feel free to ask for a viewing

I’m a bit shocked and embarrassed .
But once I’d read it , passed out , dropped to the floor , picked myself up , I went and had the whole lot tattooed on my arse !

Rachel in Waitrose

I rarely
write or comment on the blog I just leave that to Rach as she is brilliant at
it. But I thought I’d surprise her and share this with you: The BBC Radio 4 journalist Fi Glover writes a
column each week in the Waitrose Weekend newspaper. Well this week’s column is
on Rachel

Well here is
the full column:

Rachel is
one of the loveliest people I have met in a long time. I’m sitting opposite her
in our new Listening Project booth, which is parked up at a National Trust
property in the heart of east London. It’s a sleek modern caravan of chat which
looks incongruous against the Tudor façade of Sutton House.

Rachel and I
are discussing friendship- in particular hers and Mandy’s. They met years ago.
Both are teachers who share a love of walking, keeping diaries and cheating a
bit in half-marathons. They join more than 1,300 people who have had chats for
the Listening Project-a simple premise where the BBC is creating a sound
archive of our times at the British Library simply by recording you chatting. It’s
genius.

I feel I
know a lot about Rachel already through the conversation she and Mandy had, and
it’s one of my favourites so far. What I love about it is the warmth. There is
a true friendship of laughs and camaraderie but also of something far more
profound- a proper sense of support. If you have just one friend like either
Rachel or Mandy, life will be less of a struggle. And Rachel’s certainly had
its struggles because in 2008 her 19 year old daughter Rosie died, very
suddenly of septicaemia. Mandy’s friendship has been especially important
because, as Rachel says, Mandy lets her just be quiet and still sometimes. You’d
need to be after a loss like that.

Rachel has
come along to the booth to talk about what she enjoyed about being part of the
Project. As she so rightly says, everyone has a story to tell. The experience
of others informs all our lives, and often there’ll be just a little something
in one of our conversations you feel you can bung in the bank of life. When I
asked Rachel if she’d recommend the Project she didn’t miss a beat in saying
yes. She said that at Rosie’s funeral she had had trouble with the bit where
you try to say everything happens for a reason- because what possible reason
can there be for losing one so loved? I can’t think of one, but I know this: Rosie’s
death created a huge loss for those who knew her. Hearing Rachel’s wisdom and
strength provides an unexpected comfort for anyone who listens. I’m not saying
the latter would ever compensate for the former-I’m with Rachel on the often
futile search for positivity in every event-but this is a silver of light in
the gloom.

It was such
a pleasure to meet you, Rachel, and this column is for you because I know you
like picking up a copy of Weekend. Ha-ha! You’re in it now! I like to imagine, that
right at this moment you’re phoning Mandy to say,”Ooooh, you’ll never guess
what….?” Now go and read some fine writing by Balding and Agnew –and don’t
forget to do Pippa’s exercises!

FI Glover is so right

Rach
Two
surprises in one day, this article and me writing on the blog!

Rach I’m so proud of you and I know
Rosie is as well

We love you
Rosie and we miss you more than ever

XXX

John

To Liz and Sally and everyone else

Dear Liz and Sally ,thank-you for your lovely comments .
Thank-you too for all friends ,far and wide ,who texted ,emailed and phoned saying lots of positive and heartfelt things
It really does mean a lot to me .
To be brutally honest I was flattered to be invited back on , yet devastated that Mandy was in Spain , so couldn’t come too – it was not the same without her..
It is weird ,having a conversation in front of a microphone , and trying to get out the words I actually mean ( not a crass load of old b******ks) that i feared i might . Also it is hard not to cry .Before we started recording I was telling Fi about how Rosie died , and so I was always a little wobbly .Personally ,I would always prefer people ( who are genuinely interested ) knew ,than guessed or just wondered . So when the interview officially started ,I clutched my trusty linen hankie and dug deep .I made a conscious effort not to gabble .
As you know ,I would rather my life was such that I would never have to talk about Rosie in the past .But as you also know , she has died and life goes on and we have to be strong and kind and true and safe and positive ( cue the school song from ‘Goodbye Mr Chips – which I’m thinking of having at my ‘do’ when i leave this world ) , so that is another reason i did it – to talk about her, family, love , friendship and hope .
Funnily enough 3 friends ( Lynne,Kay and Paul M. ) texted me to say they were contacted by their respective sisters who were listening to The Listening Project yesterday ,when they heard me and remembered I was a friend of theirs – that’s quite a lot of tuned in siblings .

If you have nothing better to do

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b05xdc9z

9am Radio 4 today
Although I cannot listen to it ( taking a group to The Wetlands Centre ) , I’m a bit nervous cos I ight be on it .

sorry if this is all over the place – but if you have time -sing those 2 songs …you will feel better for it

It is all so quiet ,,ssssh

Miao Miao has gone back to China for the summer , Florence is in Serbia ,en route to China for the summer and Jacob is in Amsterdam and has no plans to go to China ( unless that’s where the winners of this years annual 5 a side football tournament are from , in which case they may host it next year ) , so John and I are polishing the barbecue , tidying up the 3 flowers, hosing down the one goldfish and getting ready for some Holloway ( place not prison ) friends who are coming for lunch.

What does Roscommon mean to you ?

Did you know it was the only one of the 43 Irish constituencies to vote against the legalisation of same-sex marriage proposal ?

I was told this last night by Paul and Paul who are going there for their summer holidays – maybe they can do a good PR job ?

Last night we went to see the amazing LGMC and the theme was ‘Love’ . You know how much I love them .Every performance is so uplifting and the choice of songs not Kitsch or cheesy – just great .

But last night ,it was Jane to came into my head .

In the first half they sang The Mamas and Papas ‘Make Your Own Kind of Music’

Nobody can tell ya
There’s only one song worth singin’
They may try and sell ya
‘Cause it hangs them up
To see someone like you

But you’ve gotta make your own kind of music
Sing your own special song
Make your own kind of music
Even if nobody else sings along ” etc etc

I’d forgotten how much we LOVED this song and how we belted out …and now when I sing it I think of everybody … gay,straight,black, white , the kids I teach ,those I don’t , dementia sufferers , the soup -kitchen crew ,anyone suffering injustice , the list is infinite .The words mean so much and are so strong and so true .You know by now how strongly I feel that we all have a voice and the right to be listened to .Thank God for living in the this country .

Then after the interval , I had an enormous ‘mind the gap’ moment when they sang Bing Crosby’s ‘The way you Look Tonight’. This was Jane’s favourite all-time-international song and we played it at her funeral – so the last song ever played for her . One Christmas morning in around 1999 when her physical health was deteriorating , I was getting her up and we were singing and then our minds went blank and we couldn’t remember the words of this song , we were going mad .So in desperation/ frustration I phoned my musical friend Michael, and he put his handset next to his piano whilst he played and sang it to us down the line .Funnily enough we never forgot it again .

It is SO beautiful

” Someday, when I’m awfully low
And the world is cold
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight

Yes, you’re lovely
With your smile so warm, and your cheek so soft
There is nothing for me but to love you
Just the way you look tonight

With each word your tenderness grows
Tearing my fear apart
And that smile that wrinkles your nose
Touches my foolish heart

Lovely, never, never change
Keep that breathless charm
Won’t you please arrange it
‘Cause I love you ”

Funnily enough this is ‘National Carers Week’….if you’ve ever been one you will know the guilt, fatigue and love is relentless .

Hats off to the lot of them

It wasn’t the same on my own

Mandy and I got invited back to the BBC ,to do a short interview about ‘The Listening Project ‘, but sadly , Mandy is away and so I had to fly solo .
Should be on next Tuesday – so my cringeometer is set to ‘overload’.

Fi Glover and Louise Pepper were lovely and when not recording ,we talked a lot about Rosie .
That is why I did it – it is about her and love and friendship and life

I could go on for hours

Another pants date – 31st May ,the date I said good-bye to my lovely sister,Jane , 14 years ago.
Another huge big fat ‘why?’
In my eyes ,no-one has ever replaced her in the role of Maria Von Trapp …… and Liza Doolittle and Golde and Queen Guenevere and Sally Bowles

Holiday hi-lights

Copenhagen

seeing my family

watching Thor ,Frigg and Gro do their Karate

resisting the urge to join in

street-food at Paper Island

the city centre boat trip ..and remembering the time when we tried to get Grandamama on vessel and she had one leg on the boat and the other on dry land when it started to move !

amazing barbecued dins at Richard and Lise’s pad

visiting Richard and Lise’s beautiful summerhouse

Louisiana Museum of Modern Art – like Carlsberg probably the best art gallery in the world .

watching Thor, Kristian and Jacob strip down to their shreddies and jump in the sea

resisting the urge to join in

Kristians pizza
Sarah’s rye bread

Thors’s cook-up on the fire

winning the bowling ( girls’s lane )

winning 2 out of 3 games of Scrabble

seeing white deer and white snails in Dyrehaven Park

riding a bike

Bergen

seeing Ingrid and Jannicke ( and her new white tattoo)

getting the funicular up to the top of Mount Floyen

walking by Bryggen harbour at 11 o clock at night when it is still light

taking the cable car up Mount Ulriken

making up as many possible innuendoes about John mounting Ulriken

not being able to see a thing as the cloud was so low

cloud lifting

walking in the snow without the fear of falling off a mountain

the Bergen Railway

a fjord cruise

the Flam Railway

a million zillion amazing waterfalls and mountains and snow and sheer beauty

loosing one game of scrabble

Holiday low points

saying good-bye to my family

saying good-bye to Jacob and Florence

in my head ,seeing Rosie in that photo of the 5 of us at Nyhavn and wishing wishing wishing she was with us all

Later on he ditched the lederhosen all together

When a roller-skating man opens a flap in his ledehosen , just where a cod-piece would be , to reveal he’s forgotten to put his underpants on , you need a day of Mindfulness to get over it .

Last night – ‘Scotch and Soda ‘ at The Underbelly

Today – A days retreat – in the staffroom at work

Maud

You never know what someone has been through just by looking at them .Everyone has had good times, bad times, pain ,joy – it is just not equally distributed .

My second favourite character ( my first being Will ) in W1A is Simon Harwood , played brilliantly by Jason Watkins.

So on Sunday night , while watching The Baftas ,I paid more attention to what he was really like , when he collected his award for his portrayal of CJ in ‘The Lost of Honour of Christopher Jefferies’. He stood at the podium and sort-of wobbled and then made a very emotional speech , which ended with him showing deep respect to both Joanna Yates ( the drama was about her terrible murder and CJ being wrongly accused by the police ) and her family . He then spoke of whom this drama was dedicated to – his daughter Maudie , who died just 3 years ago . To see his pain , broke my heart . His pain was the same as my pain – horrible .

Of course now with Tinternet I googled him and this is what I read

”Critics pointed out that the real victim, Joanna, had been reduced to something of a footnote in the telling of Jefferies’ story. But for Watkins a parallel sense of bereavement was ever present; on New Year’s Day 2012 he and Clara suffered the terrible loss of their younger daughter, Maude, aged just two.

“Ten days after Joanna Yeates died, I found Maude dead in her bed one morning,’ he says, choking back the tears. “She had flu but she died of sepsis. It was around the time of the winter vomiting bug and we took her to hospital twice but her flu symptoms masked the sepsis and she went undiagnosed.”

Together with a barrister friend, Watkins pored over Maude’s medical notes and examined every step of every procedure at the hospital to find out it anyone could have acted differently and saved her. The subsequent inquest concurred that nothing more could have been done. Watkins, who has two teenage sons from his first marriage and a daughter, Bessie, aged eight, was devastated.

“You don’t think you’re ever going to get out of bed in the morning,” he says. “The grief is so all-consuming you can barely begin to parent the children you do have. You don’t believe you will recover, but somehow you do; the trauma heals but the loss never does.”

This is not about me or Rosie or my family , except it is .Because it is another poor group of people who have suffered terrible pain and who I feel deep love and sadness for .

12th May 1988

When I woke up this time 27 years ago , I was more in love than I thought possible .
Happy Birthday to my incredible bundle of joy ,Jacob .

Might even have some nuts

I have just 2 words to say ( and they don’t include the terrible ones that have reared their ugly head in the news today ,Michael and Gove )

My 2 words are
drinker
and
thistle

Last night was an absolute first .
In 57 years of being Rachel Brown /Dwyer , I have never used all 7 letters up on one Scrabble turn , thus scoring an extra 50 points .Last night ,I did it twice.
I am still in shock .
Declan-in celebration I am going to crack open the BA Business Class little bottle of champagne you gave me .

I jest not

When things don’t quite go the way we want them do , we head for the sea .
John and I to Fairlight
Jacob to Marseille
Florence to Cumbernauld .Which if you know your Scottish geography is 15 miles from salt water but not far from Fannyside Loch

Things

Things in my head- in no particular order

The election

I think I was served by The Chinese Visa Office’s equivalent to Angela in ‘The Job Lot’ – but without the hair-slides and the Brummy accent. I was scared .

I saw Tower Bridge open- beautiful

LOVED the Sonia Delaunay exhibition .Not so keen on the work of Marlene Dumas , but took a bigger interest than I normally would as Jacob heard her speak at De Ateliers.

Read about 2 amazing American millionaires, Christopher and Regina Catrambone ,who are spending their money to pluck migrants from the sea off the coast of Malta and Italy .

Thought about Dr Ayman Mostafa whose wife,Fatima, and 3 year old daughter ,Joud, who both drowned after their overcrowded boat was fired on by militiamen and capsized on the way from Libya to Europe . He talks of a simple thing – switching on his mobile phone to search for a document and says he skims the pages at speed so he does not have to see a picture of Fatima and Joud. ”It would be like looking at the sun” he said ”it would burn my eyes.I should delete them but I can’t bear to.”
I agree, looking at photos of Rosie is never easy .I almost have to brace myself . The worst thing is when someone ( meaning kindly ) thrusts a photo in your face .It almost winds me . And that is because i love her so much .

Jonny Benjamin is his name

I do write a load of old b*****Ks sometimes .
Yesterday i wrote ‘ Nothing can be worse than what I’ve through ‘ .Who do i think I am ?
Of course other people can suffer worse stuff , think of Nim or the people who have lost whole families in Nepal, Syria or Sierre Leone or trying to escape a war-torn country -the list is endless .
There is no league table of sadness or guilt and i know through all the compassionate friends I have met since Rosie died -it is just wrong and at times unbearable .
But through talking to parents whose children took their own lives I have leaned a lot about mental health issues and with the faces of their children and their stories in my head I watched the brilliant documentary ‘The Stranger on the Bridge’ .
I urge you to watch it before casting your vote on Thursday – perhaps then you will not put your cross next to the person who wants to make further cuts in our mental health provision.

Somehow it makes me feel less mad when I read other people voice their sadness

I’m a wimp – I admit it .Things that scare /upset /frighten/unnerve me …I move to one side of my head .I know they are there , but I wait for a time when I am strong enough ,and then I face them .Sometimes my head is overloaded with stuff and I want to hide , but I don’t , I pick things out ,one by one and take them in and do something with them .

Nothing can be worse than what I’ve through , so today ( after a lovely walk and a pub lunch ) I sat and properly read Vanessa Nicholson’s article ‘For Rosa ,my lost daughter’.

The introduction to the article goes like this ”In this extract from her searing family memoir,Vanessa writes about her daughter Rosa, who died in 2008, aged just 19.”

A bit too close to home I think , but I read on . I won’t bore you with the whole article , if you are interested you can read it online , but suffice it to say , absolutely loads resonates with me , and I realise a) I am not going mad or b) I am going as mad as her .

This is her opening chapter ..it gives you a little insight as to what happens in our heads ….

‘ Nine months after Rosa’s death, my husband Andrew and I are on holiday with friends. It’s a sunny day and we are on a bus somewhere in Palermo. I am sitting opposite the door, daydreaming, when the bus stops. With a noisy “whoosh” the door opens and a bright ball of light illuminates the entrance. And there she is — she has come back! She is climbing up the step, luminous and smiling, dressed in a summery frock and ballet pumps, with the sunlight catching the highlights in her hair. Of course she has found us. How could we have thought of going away without her?

I sit up in my seat, a surge of joy expanding my chest. I’m about to speak ,to get up, to embrace our beautiful daughter.Then suddenly the door closes and the light has dimmed again.With shocked embarrassment I realise it was simply a trick of my sad deranged mind.

I lean back,defeated. I have become insane,I think. With the loss of her ,I have lost part of myself’.”

For me – it barely touched the sides , but knowing Rosie , she probably wouldn’t have evn bothered with the glass

Yesterday daytime was lovely .

A friend and I went up to Hyde park , polished Rosie’s plaque, had coffee by The Isis ,re-polished Rosie’s plaque, had our photo taken by Rosie’s plaque, went into the Serpentine Gallery and spent more time in the toilet and the shop than at the Leon Golub exhibition ( I’ve decided I’m not a fan ) .Then we strolled past Kensington Palace and went up in the lift to the Kensington Roof Gardens where we ate our scoobysnacks surrounded by flamingoes and streams and Moorish architecture- just lovely .

Yesterday evening was not so good .

I was due to drop out 2 Thai students at their language school at 10pm as they were getting the overnight coach to Edinburgh .The coach was late and they didn’t end up going til 11 . My evening was screwed . So when I got back home around 11.15 ,I was cold ,hungry ,low and craved chocolate and alcohol ( in that order ) .So to kill all the birds with one stone ,I cracked open a bottle of ‘ Original Mozart Chocolate Cream Gold ‘ ( think chocolate Baileys) , that I had bought as a gift for Rosie in November 2008 when I went to Salzburg for the weekend ..and had a little weep .

She would have loved it – it’s not bloody fair

Art- but not as you know it

If you didn’t make it to Munich , and you can’t make it to Amsterdam , but you can get to Venice ..our dear friend Kate MccGuire has a piece in The Biennal

http://www.glasstress.org/artist/kate-mccgwire-228

….failing that , there’s always The Hallmark Card Shop in West Ealing

A very special birthday treat

A huge thank-you to our lovely ,kind,generous friends ,Claire and Bob for taking us to see the most amazing show ‘ Sunny Afternoon’ , last night .

The evening started well with Classy Cocs in the upper bar . Then downstairs to be seated at our cabaret ( keep those drinks coming ) table- just perfect.

Although parts of the story were sad , the finale was of off the Richter Scale happiness proportions .The whole theatre were up on their feet dancing and singing .The feelgood factor continued with the lead actor ,John Dagleish , inviting one of the front-of-house staff up to the front as he was running The London Marathon today for Stonewall – everyone dug deep and threw coins in his bucket .Sorry don’t know his name ,but he aimed to do it in less than 3hours 30 .

A wonderful evening .

Sort of a human fatburg

We had friends round for supper last night and just before pud were discussing ’10years of youtube’ .
So we had just had to get up from the table and watch our favourite all-time-international clip- ‘The squeezing of the world’s biggest blackhead’
Six minutes of deliciousness
Then we returned to the table for Emma’s home-made chocolate mousse- even tastier

Nothing to do with us

In yesterday’s news
”Britain’s biggest ever ‘fatberg’ has been removed from a West London sewer.”

I repeat- Nothing to do with us

be warned – do NOT buy them- however smelly your toilet is

It was all my fault

Nothing to do with the extra garlic and coriander in the Jerusalem Artichoke Chicken mash-up I’d created .But due to one off those stupid Bloo -plastic- toilet- rim hook -things ,I’d put in place ,falling down the loo , swimming round the u-bend , and making base camp in the pipe under the concrete by the back door , therefore stopping everything coming past .

Thank God for a man with an industrial sized hose.

Saturday night and Sunday morning

It was all going so well .

I’d cooked up a couple of Yotam ( let’s use every herb,spice and utensil known to man ) ‘s dishes during the day , the guests arrived and we were all sitting down to supper .We were just into our main course when one spotted there was water dripping through our kitchen spot-lights and water running down the wall . ….directly below the upstairs toilet . So john put his flambe equipped down , donned his rubber gloves and went in search of the source . What he found you do not want to hear about ,. Suffice it to say the upstairs loos were overflowing and deemed out of action .It didn’t stop our evening – we just put the unblocking on hold til Sunday .

Then Sunday came , and everything that could have gone wrong , did .

John spent 12 hours using Richards big pole-thing, Bob’s 2 boxes of nitro-glycerin ( or similar ) ,Mike next door’s Caustic Soda .He drilled holes in pipes, got sprayed with s**t , plunged,rodded,capped etc etc ..and still something was blocking the pipe

Meanwhile , back in the ranch

I lost my Swatch

Broke the cafitiere and cut my hand

Wore my new trousers for the first time and leant on some chemical sprayed porcelain ..and now my jeans are blue with white spots on .

Was plunged into darkness when all the lights fused as they were filled with water .

Tried explaining the toilet ( or lack of ) situation to our 2 Thai students and Miao Miao

and still my day wasn’t as bad ads John’s

To be continued

* he woke up with a mullet this morning- it worked!

If Sweeney Todd ever shouts ‘MOVE’ at you, while he brandishes a cut-throat razor, I suggest you just move .

Last night we witnessed one of the best pieces of musical theatre ever .

Last year I tried and tried to get tickets for Sweeney Todd performed by Tooting Arts Club for a short period in the actual Harrington’s Pie and Mash Shop ( the shop operated as normal during the day and the performance went on in the evening ) Tooting – pretty near my old stomping ground .

But with only 30 or so tickets being sold every night, it was impossible .But thanks to Stephen Sondheim telling Cameron M. about it ,it has come to London , with around 70 tickets on sale each night .

There is no stage , we sat at a table in the shop and the performance goes on around you , or in John’s case – on you, when Sweeney poured and rubbed oil into John’s head to try to make his hair grow *.

It was all great – the performers ,the atmosphere, the chatting with the people around us , the bar , the staff and actors mingling with the audience..and the power and the blood and the gore and the fear and the humour .

Just wonderful

I love a pork pie !

John and I are broadening our horizons with a few songs and a couple of murders down at Harrington’s Pie and Mash Shop tonight.

My Zumba week

Every week..2 different church halls, 2 different teachers , one set of music, 2 different dance routines .

No wonder I keep bumping into people

Another bereaved mothers’ words

” I miss you now every moment. I ache for you. Always. I continuously relive our precious moments together, wishing I could hold you once again, kiss your sweet head and tell you it will be all right. Mostly, I wish it could be all right. That you could be here, with us, whole and well and happy.

I wish I could be watching you eat hungrily, hear your coos, your cries, see your eyes open. I wish I could have seen your eyes. I wish I could be staring at them now and wondering what colour they will be. Instead, I am looking at your empty cot and the shelves where there are still spaces for your pictures.

Oh, my sweet, sweet baby – I miss you. I miss you endlessly and tremendously. I wish we had had more time together. Though I am grateful we had any time at all, it wasn’t enough.

I am trying to forgive myself for what happened, even though I know it was not my fault. Even as I tell myself it wasn’t my fault, I cannot help but blame myself and feel as though I’ve failed you. I am so very sorry. I will love you always. I am watching the sunset right now and loving you.

I strive to lead a more meaningful, loving life because of you, for you. I will dedicate all I do to you, honouring your memory. I want to make you proud, to be worthy of you. Yet each new day, moment and milestone without you hurts. You will always be missing. I have been told that the pain becomes less sharp over time, and I expect that will be the case, but I will continue to feel the weight of your absence.I sometimes imagine that there is a parallel reality alongside this one in which you are well and whole and were born safely. I imagine finding the subtle knife necessary to slice between worlds; visiting you and not returning. Staying there with you, and with our whole family well and together – living happily ever after in what should have happened, rather than what did. I am slowly accepting that it cannot be undone, but, oh, how I wish it could be.

Cradling you in my arms now, my sweet baby, you are with me always.

Your ever-loving mother”


This is part of a letter printed in Saturday’s Guardian . Although it is written by a mother whose child died at birth ,it is very similar to how I feel , but somehow find it very hard to express

24.6.25- 25.3.15

Thank you Bob Stead for introducing me to proper curry .

When I was 11 I made a friend for life, Jane Stead . She came to my house , I went to hers .Our 2 families met up in the IOW for a holiday . We all liked eating ,drinking, laughing ,swimming, walking etc- the usual stuff . But , her family was very different to mine , in that her dad,Bob , could cook … and having been brought up in India ,the thing he liked cooking most were curries .

So at the age of 12 ,only ever having sampled curry in Vesta form ( anyone under 40 , google it – you won’t believe we thought this was haute cuisine ) , I went to the Steads and Bob cooked up Bhunas and Dansaks and Goshtobas and Undhiyus. I couldn’t get enough of them .

Sadly Bob died on 25th March, 3 months before his 90th birthday , and yesterday was his funeral . So to stop me crying , because ,in truth , all I am thinking of is Rosie , I went through the names of as many different curries I could think of . You’ll be glad to know I did it in my head .

It was a lovely service , followed by an Indian feast back in his other daughter’s garden .

Well worth a visit

I never did get to grips with the mindful walking or eating , but I do and try and do stuff mindfully, and it always helps ( me ) when the sun is shining .I think the only time I truly utterly , completely relax ,is when I feel safe and I am sitting with the warmth of the sun on my face .In fact ,just like Grandma and Jane used to do .

So with that in mind ,I have down loads of lovely stuff with kind people ,out in the sunshine .

Now I am going to completely contradict myself by saying one of the most beautiful places I visited this week was The Watts Gallery , Compton . G.F.Watts’ work wouldn’t be my first choice of paintings , but some of them were stunning and I fell in love with his 1885 painting ‘Hope’ which is breathtakingly beautiful and moved me to tears .
If you do go ,take the time to walk down the lane to The Watts Cemetery Chapel – absolutely magnificent. Google it ,then double the beauty , photos do not do it justice .

One walk , four wrong turns and an invite to a stud-farm early evening ( intimate ) soiree.

I went walking with 2 friends in the Oxfordshire countryside yesterday . We did about 14 miles ( should have been ten but we got slightly lost on four occasions ) . It was glorious .We walked, talked ,sang, ate ,stopped for coffee / change glasses/strip-off etc . On the last leg ,we were strolling across a field when we passed a young couple sitting on a carved out bench ,eating Doritos and strawberries and sipping chilled white vino. My friend shouted out ‘ you’ve got the right idea’ to which Amy ( new bessie mate ?) replied ‘ come and join us, we are celebrating ‘ .So we did . They ( Amy and Sam ) were lovely . Amy ran a stud farm and they were celebrating her first day off in about 5 weeks ( so God knows why they asked us to join them ) . We talked and ate and they cracked open a second bottle and asked if we’d ever been on a horse .I regaled my tale of when I was about 14 and holidaying in Benidorm with my friend Elaine and she persuaded me to go on a horse-ride up the mountains. I think my horse had a few spatial awareness problems and either forgot I was on his back ( me being so light ?? ) or just didn’t notice the drooping branches of the tree ahead . At first no-one heard my screams and then Pablo turned round to see my hair caught in the branches, Dobbin trotting gaily on and me sliding off his rear -end .Once my hair had grown back, .I vowed never to get on another horse again …that is up until yesterday .Amy told us we’d be perfectly safe and if we email her she would like to give us all a tutored ride in the summer.

It is not often you get an offer like that !

No googling

Za’atar..do you
eat it
travel there
smear it on ?
For something I am doing later today I’ve just had to find out

MBs- they are for the YOUNG ( or for those that can go for more than 89minutes without needing the toilet )

Florence and half the contents of her flat arrived in London at the crack of dawn yesterday .
The bags weighed more than her , the journey took in the scenic route – Carlisle and Birmingham Bus stations, there was in-house entertainment ,in the form of snoring and farting ( NOT Florence ,we bought her up better than to do that ) ..all for £10 .
You can’t beat a Mega-Bus . ( except hypocrite that I am ,I have never been on one , and if I can meet my maker without ever having been on one ,I think I’ll die happy ) .
So it is Easter ( which is a bit too much about death for my liking ) and I’m firing on 3 pistons …When the 4 of us are together ,it is 4 pistons , which means full throttle . And we all know full throttle is the best !

The Scallop- another piece of art ,people can touch and children can climb on – fantastic in my eyes

It’s the first day of the Easter hols ,the sun is shining and so myself and a friend are hopping on the train and going to Brighton to browse, paddle, eat,drink,people-watch etc etc .

Heard Maggie Hambling interviewed on the radio yesterday .I love her .She really is a wise old bird . .

When asked if she believed in life after death , she replied ‘ I’m an optimistic doubter’ .

I think that is how I feel

Later the same day

Feel a bit more chipper now as John’s just taken me up The Walkie Talkie !

Not as high as The Shard , but still a fabulous view , plus it has The Sky Garden , a little cafe thing , nice toilets and Darwin’s Brasserie , where we ate lunch at one of the best tables right by the window , with a view of The Thames and The Tower of London , HMS Belfast etc etc ,

I can breathe easier now ( the bottle of Vinho Verde helped )

It’s hard being sad

Mind that bloody gap , as my counsellor says ,but without the bloody .

I fell down it twice yesterday .

Went to town to meet some friends for supper ,popped into John Lewis to buy some vacuum cleaner bags , and walked straight in the entrance by the Clinque counter and I saw the chair, Rosie sat in (and I think) ,the Chinese beautician who gave Rosie a makeover ,back in September 2008 .I froze and wept ( silently of course ) and felt so overwhelmingly sad and lonely .

So I went for coffee , got out my G2 ,did the crossword and read the paper to calm my self down .But on page 5, I fell down ,not a gap ,but a bloody great chasm ,when I read Suzanne Moore’s ‘ Having almost lost my daughter to Meningitis,I find this haggling over the price of a vaccine unbearable’

Absolutely heartbreaking

Read if you can

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/mar/25/how-can-we-haggle-over-the-price-for-a-vaccine-against-meningitis

You too could be wearing that yellow jersey

Is anyone free on Saturday 1st August ,has a spare pair of lycra shorts lurking at the back of your drawer ( you know you do ) and fancies cycling 100miles for Rosie’s Ace Africa Fund ?

If so Ace Africa has some free places on the Ride London cycle-ride

http://www.prudentialridelondon.co.uk/About/Overview.htm

Sadly John cannot do it as his knees are bit dodgy at the moment ( he’s even had to give us his place on the Derbyshire Peaks and Yorkshire Dales 3 day event ) .

I’m just too weedy and my bum hurts after being on a bike for more than 7 minutes

Florence will be in China

and

I haven’t asked Jacob yet

So if there is anyone , or a few of you , or the whole of your office at work, who would like to do it , just get in touch ,The places are free ,all you have to do ( apart from cycle ) is to get some sponsors . ALL monies will go to Rosie’s Charity .

Think about it

Venice-re-visited

Back to Venice …
and we saw the eclipse .
We stumbled on it .. went out on Friday morning in our lovely little neighbourhood and
saw a group of people looking up and thought they were looking at someones washing that had come adrift ,and then we saw it , the moon passing in front of the sun .
It really was very very beautiful .
10.37 exactly

A weekend on the lagoon

Just got back from a 3 day mini-break in Venice .

I love that city .No cars, water everywhere , around every corner,something beautiful to look at (and I’m not talking about John licking his huge gelato ) ,Ireland winning the 6 nations, me winning 3 out of 5 games of Scrabble …I could go on and on .

We did the usual stuff…got lost, ate fabulous food, drank Campari Spritzers , P rosecco, P eronis and Scroppinos .C limbed up high to see over St M ark’s Square , roamed around the fish market, drank at ‘student-bar’ , drank at ‘posh-bar’ . W atched the Gondoliers keep their gondolas upright after a high-speed police speed boat ploughed through the middle of them .D idn’t see any art ( not proud of that – but because it was so sunny preferred to be outside ) .S aw an interactive roaming around opera ,Rigoletto, at Musica a la Palazza. Got the boat to the stunningly beautiful , colourful ,island of Burano and ate at one of the best fish restaurants I have ever been to – ‘Al Gatto Nero ‘.Introduced John to one of Rosie’s favourite delicacies, Mortadella ( a sort of fatty ham , not a cocktail ).Stayed at a lovely little hotel in a bedroom with 2 windows that over looked one of the prettiest little canals .

Loved every minute of it and felt very fortunate to be able to have so many lovely experiences .

Ps. Janis ,I’ve tried writing to you ,as I do not have your email address , but I fear it might be your old address , so if you haven’t received my good old fashioned letter ( about meeting up in the Easter hols ) and if you do read this ,would you mind contacting me via the contact email on this website – ta .
Sorry to sound so cryptic- it really isn’t ! x

Today was a double whammy

No luck with the races – so can’t retire just yet .
Many thanks for all your cards, gifts, texts emails and lovely words .
I might be a miserable old cow , but I really do appreciate them .

Melanie,Georgina and Sarah- my absolute favourites

LOVED the Grayson Perry ‘Who Are You’ at the NPG , and by this time tomorrow ,I might be able to afford one .
Jacob is home and as I type , betting away at The Cheltenham Races .
Just in case he’s not a few grand up on the accumulator ( if such a thing exists ) ,I bought a couple of postcards .
You have 2 days left to see it .

Music is an emblem of not only civilisation but also the level that a culture has achieved.

Last night John and I went to see the Madness musical ‘Our House ‘ .

It’s upbeat, happy ,sad, funny , singy ,dancey ,loud and vibrant .

But I can honestly say it is one of the most moving shows I have ever seen as it was performed by some professionals, but mainly prisoners of HMP /YOI isis.

HMP isis prison opened in 2010 and houses 628 men aged between 18 and 30 , who have mainly received sentences for gang-related crime .Ninety three different gangs have members in the prison , so tensions can run very high .

The show was absolutely bloody amazing and the result of collaborative project with ‘Pimlico Opera’.

Before Christmas I was a guest of my cousin Robert ,at a Fishmonger’s Livery Company dinner .The guest speaker was the founder of Pimlico Opera, Wasfi Kani . She said exactly how I felt about the arts- they should not be associated with the privilege of class .Everyone can achieve , not just those with a specialised talent .And we all know achieving gives a sense of self-worth and of choice and of joy .Everyone deserves that.She talked about the projects she had done in prisons and afterwards I spoke to her , emailed her and subsequently bought tickets .

So after travelling east to Belmarsh , our security checks were confirmed, our photo ID checked , our bags and jackets locked away , we passed through metal detectors ,were sniffed by fierce looking big dogs , held in 3 holding bays ,walked across the high-fenced courtyard and into the gym , where the door was locked …and then the show began .It was wonderful .There was an orchestra, raked seating , an amazing set and lighting , 8 professional actors , 24 prisoners and Suggs played the Dad. It was the last night of a weeks run and so the atmosphere was electric. A mother of one of the performing prisoners had been to see the show every night .Another mother said that after seeing the show ,it was the first time she had slept through the night , since her son had been in prison .

They left us wanting more , but there was no more as at 8.30 ,they had to be counted in and go back to their cells . As we left the gym ,we walked back between the high fences and I was very aware of people watching us through the high windows .it made me feel very sad , and to be honest , a bit guilty.

The word ‘unbearable’ comes up a lot .But we do have to bear it and we do have to make life good and be kind and positive and happy . But we need support and empathy

Thanks Sally for saying that as sometimes I think I flag stuff like that up a bit too much .
A lot of what she said was painful/true/moving/sad/affirming .
This sentences came out the radio and flew right into my face ( esp when I think people have forgotten or just don’t recognise our pain )…
”living again after something so unbearable has happened , what families need is humanity”
” people don’t like talking about bereavement .grief feels like fear and a child’s death is unbearable to even think about”
But , the bit that pissed me off is when she talked about her work having changed her reality ..” When my children had a headache ,I thought they had Meningitis and I would think they were going to die”

Actually Julia, some children do die, so that was a stupid and flippant example

I was thrilled for him

I ate mindfully , in fact i’ll be eating that bloody salad for the next 3 days…
Our MFL trainer phoned in sick ,so we never got to lie on our mats and be silent .
instead i went to Kew Gardens with a friend and then had people over for dinner …ate and drank too much , lost 2 games of Scrabble , and never shut up .
Sort of alternative therapy …
PS there was a first …..Yony used all sven of his letters up ion oe turn ,covered two ‘double word scores’ , thus scoring 90 points.

Will I feel different afterwards ?

I never thought i’d say these words….’I’m going on a ( semi-silent) retreat today ‘
OK- it’s at work ,in the staffroom ,on a mat , with 14 of my lovely colleagues .But it’s a start ..and I’ve made my quinoa and pomegranate salad for us to bring and share and eat mindfully

Try not to imagine the Zumba dance- could ruin your day

Every day I grieve .

Some days more than others .

Today it is one of those days ,as it is three years since I said good-bye to Grandma .Her death was OK though ,she was old and frail and weary and lovely .I miss her to pieces , I love her so very much.

But oddly ,yesterday was tougher .

I thought more .

Maybe it was because of the anticipation of today

or maybe it was because

1.We discussed Mindful Communication .MC consists of openness, compassion and empathy .I like that .It made me think about how I talk and listen to others

2. At Zumba we danced to my favourite song ‘Jai Ho’ by The Pussycat Dolls .

In the first verse of the chorus we all run forward and raise our hands and the second half we run backwards and bring our hands back down in a circle.No one would have a dam clue that I am singing it to the 4 people I love most in the world

”(Jai Ho) You are the reason that I breathe
(Jai Ho) You are the reason that I still believe
(Jai Ho) You are my destiny
Jai Oh Oh-oh-oh

(Jai Ho) No there is nothing that can stop us
(Jai Ho) Nothing can ever come between us
(Jai Ho) So come and dance with me

Jai Ho!”

It always makes me cry- and then i forget when I’m doing and get it all wrong .

3. Later that evening John and I watched ‘The People’s Strictly for Comic Relief’
It featured 3 members of the public who ,because of all the good stuff they had done ,had been nominated and chosen to dance with on of The Strictly dancers . After the first two…….Heather Parsons who is a hospital volunteer from Southampton and former Royal Marine medic Cassidy Little who lost a leg and was partially blinded in Afghanistan,I was blubbing relentlessly ( like the BBC meant you to ) but then ,once we heard about Dumfries father Michael Pattie who devotes his life to raising money for Meningitis Research after the dreadful disease took the life of his young son `Dave , i couldn’t hold back .This time the tears were the real ones ,for our beautiful .Rosie .

4. Heard David Gray’s ‘Snow in Vegas’ .Thought of Rosie in a different ,open my gash,sort of way

anyone want 7 biro lids and 3 withered elastic bands ?

Listening to Claire Balding this morning and people were texting and tweeting and emailing in about what they were giving up for Lent ( they weren’t the ones giving up social media ) .

I’ve never done the whole ‘Lent thing’ .Of course I’ve done the bits at the beginning and end – the pancakes and the chocolate , but not the bit in the middle .

Then one woman texted in that she wasn’t giving up anything – which I think is wise , as for me , as soon as I give up anything i.e. chocolate,wine,rum or nibbly-bits , I crave it and end up consuming twice the amount I normally would .Instead ,she is going to do something .So everyday for 40 days (OK I’ve missed 4 ) she is going to clear out one drawer and give anything of use to someone else, to charity …so i’m off to do that now , starting with my ‘miscellaneous kitchen drawer stuffed with crap’.

despite the bleeding nose it has been a lovely half term

After re-jigging on Wednesday and in-order that I would feel well enough to enjoy a big bash of an adventure out on the last day of the hols on Friday , I set Thursday aside for a little rest and recuperation .Plus I was to welcome two new Italian teenage male students .So the cupboards were stacked with chocolate cereals ,donuts ,Nutella – all the stuff they seem to like …. and I sat back , welcomed a friend for coffee , and then did some chores .

All was going swimmingly ,until 11am when 6 Italians arrived at the doorstep with huge suitcases ( I had agreed to them dropping cases off ,just didn’t realise there would be so many ) and proceeded to unpack them to get their umbrellas out .I said goodbye and they toddled off to Covent Garden in the rain.

Roll on 6 hours and they return – stressed ,wet ,hungry and confused and by now the number had swollen to nine,……made up of two teachers ,a lady from the agency and 6 students – none of whom were staying with us . Seven out of the nine were on their mobile phones .No-one was happy. I gave them drinks and Kit-Kats ,one boy took tablets and sat at the bottom of the stairs with his head in his hands .Another paced the hall .One teacher stayed calm ( and close to me ) ,the other shouted a lot down her phone to a man called Fabrizio . The woman from the agency just smiled and said she didn’t know what was going on .

A taxi came , one student shot off , minus the other two students he was sharing with ,and the number of the house he was staying at !

He phoned his teacher here his host family weren’t in .

Teacher gets cross and phones his host family – host family are in .

Phones lonely boy- he was dropped off at wrong end of street and just knocked on random numbered houses as he’d lost his piece of paper with address on .

Others still in my hall – no taxis arrive

Show teachers to their room – 1 teacher NOT happy as she was promised her own room and en-suite .Refuses to stay here – tell her I was expecting 2 boys and they do have their own shower room

Phone agency . Agency is confused ,teacher is angry ,Agency offers teacher room in different house that has a dog .Teacher has a phobia of dogs ,so on hearing this , nearly explodes

Meanwhile , in the background, more Kit-Kits ,tablets and drinks are being consumed .

And so it went on ,until 9pm when all students had been collected , 2 teachers had eaten with us and I drove the quiet teacher to her her new host family.

Then I had a stiff drink and watched Cucumber !

So yesterday was heaven ….

our dear friends Claire and Bob treated us to our train to journeys to the wonderful seaside town ,Whitstable .

The four of us had a ball …coffee and cakes in Jojo’s , a walk along the seafront , aperitifs in The Old Neptune and the most amazing seafood meal in Wheelers – which if you haven’t been there and you like fish – go .It is like stepping back in time and it’s still BYO

and seats a maximum of 12 so it’s like sitting in your granny’s parlour .Then the train back , the crossword and even the guy in the next compartment helped us with the clues.

breaks your heart …again

Found this today …
”to toothfairy please
rite your phonenumber
and your name
thank you
my name is Rosie ”
it was written on an A4 piece of paper folded in half with a cat holding a pearl trinket sellotaped to the top left hand side

Another thing to watch..if you can

I’m all action-packed out and now I’m not feeling too chipper .

You know the thing – gallons of snot , thick head ,hot ,cold, and weedy …I fight against feeling weedy , so I’m finding it hard .But it is half-term and the sun is shining and even though I’ve had to cancel a fabulous walk across the cliffs from Hastings to Rye ,I’ve done my Mindfulness and am trying to keep above 3 on my inbuilt chipper-radar .I’m about 2.3 at the moment .

So yesterday ,I managed a walk in Richmond Park and caught up with stuff .The best bit of stuff was watching BBC2’s ‘Modern Times’ – documenting the famous actor Warwick Davis gamble of putting his money on the line to set up ‘The Reduced Height Theatre Company’. It was brilliant .

I was born into a family with a short person , so never knew anything different .Jane was 3’11’ ( swore she was 4′ ,but the docs always said no ) , Richard was around 6.5” ( fully gown!) and Mum ,Dad and I were somewhere it the middle – to me that was normal .People stared ,I always stared back and would never give in .Jane and I would think of witty things to say to them ,then never had the balls to say them .I think our strategy was humour ,laughter ,bravado and telling ourselves it’s them with the problem …and the ability to walk,run,wheel away , very quickly .

But the bit in the programme that really resonated with me ,was the fact that because of these people’s restricted growth ,they have many additional health problems ,especially concerning their spines and hips .It was heartbreaking hearing about their pain ,their fears ,their paralysis ,their surgery their constant visits to the hospital .

During the making of the programme Warwick Davis’s lovely wife, Sam, had to undergo spinal surgery to alleviate the compression of bone on her spinal cord ( a very similar op to the ones Jane had ) .One of his children was asked by a school friend ,’what is like inside a hospital ?’ as they had never been in one .His daughter was shocked as she hadn’t gone a week without being in one ! It took me right back to the days of Jane’s ( Mum and I ) monthly visits to Great Ormond Street and I was such a selfish little cow, all I could remember was the tube journey , the fish-tank in the entrance hall and the visit to Lyons Corner House afterwards

We must keep them – they are places of great beauty


England’s national parks are under threat. Government cuts are forcing huge land sell-offs in the Lake District and the Yorkshire Dales. [1]

People-powered campaigning created our national parks over 50 years ago. [2] And it can save them now. A huge public backlash could stop further cuts and force the government to protect our national parks.

Can you sign the petition calling on David Cameron to save our national parks?

The 10 national parks in England are looked after by National Park Authorities (NPAs) who are funded by central government. They’re supposed to act as custodians of these precious places – for people, wildlife and future generations. [3]

But after rounds of government cuts, in the Lake District seven iconic beauty spots are already up for sale. Stickle Tarn, described as “iconic, simply majestic” – £20,000. Baneriggs Wood, an “exceptional mature deciduous woodland” complete with red squirrels and rare birds – £110,000. [4] And in the Yorkshire Dales eight properties are now earmarked for “disposal” – including Cleatop Park and Morpeth Wood. [5]

It’ll take a huge petition to get the government to stop cutting funding to our national parks. So once you’ve signed, please forward this email to all your friends and family, and ask them to sign the “save our national parks” petition by clicking here:
https://secure.38degrees.org.uk/save-our-national-parks

The song of the Dutch holiday was “I feel like I’m in Love” by Kelly Marie ***

My journeys were lovely and exciting and happy and safe and now it’s half-term ( which is great ) ,but I’m full of snot ( which isn’t so great as it’s accompanied by my eyes being half closed , my temperature dropping , and an overwhelming sense of weediness) .

So I’m going to put my jamas on ,fill my hottie-bottie , pour a Jamesons and bed down on the settee to watch ‘Catastrophe’ ( my fave ) , ‘Cucumber’ and ‘Broadchurch ‘…

and when I’m feeling up to it I might regale you with tales of …

Cleaning, washing ,waiting on tables, long walks on the seafront , 4 train journeys ( the 2 latter activities made even more special as some students had never been on a train or seen the sea ). jolly japes , late night TV , 3 course breakfasts, lunches and dinners and then the hi-light of the trip to Foxes Academy – a late night MacDonalds -my students loved it .As for the staff,we haven’t been into a MaccyDs since we were in the Minehead over two years ago!

Then it was back to work for a touch of Mindfulness

Then up with the lark and off to Dam .

Dam was so bloody dam good .

It was fabulous we were all together and even more fabulous to have a kitchen boat disco til 3am on Saturday night .

I can’t begin to name the beers we drank ,the games we played, the walks we went on , the sand-dunes we climbed ,the breakfasts that Si and Flo cooked up for us , the rugby we watched ,the art we saw , the book-launch some of us went to , the unpronounceable night-caps we had , the fondues we dipped in to , the live -music we jigged to , the beach at Zandvoort we walked along ,the swanky bar in Haarlem . that Jacob and Freya found for us , the pants we found behind the TV etc etc

and on top of all that ,we all fell in love….with Rico …our houseboat .

Didn’t even have to take my Sea-legs.

***The hot of the Somerset holiday was anything by JLS or One Direction

Off to the seaside tomorrow

This week I’m going on a journey – not one of those emotional psychobabble sort of journeys- you know, the term that many therapists use , which are the same as psychobabbly questions like ‘have you moved on’ – my reply – I don’t move anywhere ,I just learn to live with any sad stuff that comes my way .

Anyway I digress ,I’m going on a works journey ,then a social journey , then a back to London journey and then a week of days out journeys .

You’ve guessed – I love a journey /experience ..in a PB sort of way of course !

Tomo I’m heading west to Foxes Academy ,Minehead – taking a group of students on a 2 night residential work experience trip .Then it’s back to 106 for a wash,sleep, brush-up and an early start to Amsterdam where we are hooking up with all the troops and sailing down The Amstel ( actually we are not actually leaving the dock ,but staying in a houseboat – but John’s packed his sailor-suit anyway )

It’s still on ,but ,CT isn’t in it for much longer

It’s not often you go to the theatre and have a Catherine Tate pointing a gun right in your face ( and I mean RIGHT in my face ) – weird and a little bit unnerving
Well that is what happened last night as I sat ( minding my own business ) in the front row of the musical ‘Assassins’ . She played the incompetent attemptee assassin of Gerald Ford ,Sara Jane Moore.

It was staged as a dark carnival in which ghosts of assassins, or would–be assassins, of US presidents from different eras meet to egg each other on to assassinate the American presidents who have pissed them off..

It was funny and sad and gruesome and well done and very odd

It’s just a book

Mind that bloody gap ( as my counsellor says ,but without the ‘bloody’ )

There I am ,minding my own business having had a lovely few days …

brain gym time –

dinner at Terracotta with friends ( where happily ,Mr Grumpy the owner did not live up to his name )

breakfast at my favourite place to have breakfast with a view- Aqua up the Shard

Sigmar Polke – didn’t move me at all

Conflict Time Photography – OK

Chilled carafe of rose in Tate Members Room

fish ,chips and comedy at the Viaduct

a walk in the sun ,wind,rain and snow from Benfleet to Southend

and then

a hot bath and a read of my book and that’s when I fell down the gap ….

82% into ‘ The Boy That Never Was ‘ and I didn’t see this coming .

FYI – Felix is a little boy and Garrick is his Dad

”It was nobody’s fault .Felix got sick and died.There was no clue, no warning.There were no previous incidences of illness within either of their families; it had not been a time bomb lurking in their DNA. He had not died as a result of an accident ; there was no negligence on either of their parts.

And yet Garrick felt responsible. He felt guilty.”

It’s hard to go on after that.

Oh no he didn’t

I know four people who work up in aeroplanes for BA , two cabin crew and two pilots .So when I get on a plane I always make a point of looking at the crews’ faces and name badges .I don’t go as far as breaking into the cockpit ,so it’s only the ones standing at the entrance I get to eyeball and yesterday I got lucky ( not in a mile-high sort of way ) ,but one of my four was the Cabin Crew Manager ..and it was Reuben .I have written about Reuben before as he is the partner of Dominic Gray and anyone who lives in Ealing and has been to a Waterman’s panto, knows Dominic .Dominic is lovely , one of the best most handsome ,warm ,funny ,beautiful ,kind,smutty performers I have ever seen .I think we took Jacob,Rosie and Florence to see him in all the pantomimes he ever wrote and performed in . .But sadly Dominic hasn’t been too well .Since having cancer of the sinuses he hasn’t been able to act and life has been pretty dam hard for him . So I told Reuben to tell him that the people of Ealing and Brentford love him and never forget what amazing pantos he put on and funnily enough ,only this Christmas we were talking about him.Reuben said he would and that it is always good to know people care.

We love Troon

Thank you to Florence and Simon for a fantastic pre Burns Night Glaswegian weekend .

By now they should have made their macaroni cheese pies and cranachan and should be preparing to welcome their guests starting with saying ‘The Selkirk Grace ‘

”Some hae meat and canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.”Then they will …..Pipe in the haggis ( I’m sure someone has a recorder than can dig out – sounds similar ) Address the haggis Toast the haggis Eat the haggis and neaps and tatties ( and macaroni cheese pies ) Eat the Clootie Dumpling ( I thought that was a role I could adopt until I was informed it was a pudding ) and the cranachan Have the first entertainment Read Robbie’s ( Burns not Williams ) poemsHave heart-felt toast: To the Immortal Memory of Robert Burns!

Toast the lassies ( sod equal opps )

Have the final entertainment

and

Finish with Auld Lang Syne

Wish we were still there but we did lovely stuff too We got the train to Troon , we walked miles along the beach in the sunshine in Troon , had a cream tea in Troon , sat in the pub and played scrabble and contract Whist in Troon , had the best ever fish ,chips and mushies in Troon and then came back to Glasgow and went to ‘The Grand Ole Opry’ and had a ball .Where else can you go where you pay a fiver and get bingo, line-dancing, a raffle , very cheap drinks, live music and an actual shoot-out ? With relief we left before the raising of the Confederate Flag ( sod equal opps again )

A Mass for Rosie

Thank you to our dear friend Ann for organising tonight’s Mass to be said for Rosie at Ealing Abbey – it was very beautiful.
Thanks also to our friends and colleagues who came along – I can’t tell you how much it means .

At least it wasn’t on the campsite

I tried to put it into practice but it just wouldn’t work – so I swore and cringed instead , avoiding giving any other drivers eye-contact .

Two sessions into my Mindfulness ( probably not helped by the fact that on a Wednesday I go straight to Zumba ,which is the exact polar opposite ) and I’ve engaged with my breath , body-scanned ( not pleasant ) and recognised the present moment. All these should helping me to be more in tune with my mind, my breathing , my head .Nothing can take my sadness away or turn the clocks back or bring Rosie back , so I’m just hoping MBSR will help me cope with situations in which I feel scared, trapped ,too sad to function, excluded or the most common one – having to listen to someone say something that penetrates my gash .

But I can tell you now ,it doesn’t work when you are driving Emerald down a quiet side-street and her alarm goes off and won’t stop until has gone through all seven different sounding beeps and whizzes and screechy noises !

Want to go to Jerusalem now

Not sure if The Mindfulness is working .I’m getting stressed about finding time to fit my 45 minutes to listen to my mediation CD .

Plus my hand hurts – nothing to do with any manual labour .More to do with the violent ( in the smashing our hands on the table sense ) game of snap we had after a fabulous meal ,too much wine and a triumphant game of Contract Whist ( for money ) .We then went onto play the card game, Pairs ,which took about 5x the time it used to take to play when we were about 9 years old.
I think Ottollenghi’s saffron rice with barberries,pistachio and mixed herbs was the best I’ve ever tasted

love it

Best quote ever comes from that well know philosopher,Mike Tyson
”Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face”

Still have to work at this feeling safe and happy malarky

Just like buses – you have no therapy for ages ,then 3 come along at once

1. Tonight I started my Mindfulness Course .I think I signed up cos my mind is full and sometimes I want it to be so not so full .Ask me in 8 weeks how my ‘Mindfulness -based Stress Reduction’ is going .If I get the hump and flounce off , you can safely say – not so well .

2.Then it was home ,change of gear ( physically and mentally ) and off to Zumba .

3 .Then I had an email from the lovely team at Meningitis Now offering to fund some further counselling for me .

My friend Chris did a lovely arrangement of ‘Both Sides Now’

It happened again .
Last night I got told off …and it took me right back to that time on The Chilterns ,when I was squeezing my size 8 frame ( plus rucksack) through a kissing gate ,when some silly old bag of a golfer told my friend and I to keep our voices down as she was concentrating on her swing …I wouldn’t mind but we were outside in the bloody countryside on a public footpath .Does she have a monopoly on the air we breath ?

Anyway rant over , back to last night .

During the interval whilst sitting in The Cadogan Hall having watched the most amazing ,uplifting,heartwarming,freedom fighting ( clips of Gay Pride marches in Russia and how the participants were brutally treated by the police… followed by footage /words of Martin Luther King, Emily Pankhurst, Nelson Mandela , Malala, Aung San Suu Kyi etc ) while listening to the most beautiful voices of The Pink Singers and The Mallorca Gay Men’s Chorus , concert ,the woman in front of me turned round and asked if I wouldn’t clap so loudly .

I think she’s a friend of Mrs Grumpy the Golfer

bless my cotton socks I’m in the news

When I saw his photo in the paper this morning i didn’t recognise him…Julian Cope .

I must have seen him live on stage about 5 times between 1980-81.

I was living in Birmingham and one of my closest friends,Martin ,worked for a record company .At least once a week he took me to concerts .It was all ruffs and frills and funny dancing ( and that was just Martin ) .We regularly saw Teardrop Explodes,Tom Robinson ( not so heavy on the ruffs and frills ) and Duran Duran .

Roll on 35 years and Julian looks all ‘biker chic’ complete with long hair, beard ,leather cap and the sort of gloves you wear when you want a kestrel to land on your arm

but

he said the wisest thing

”better to light a candle than to curse the darkness”

I’ve made that my ‘in my own head ,got to keep positive’ manta of the week

A dear friend gave ma a packet of tartan ones- 6 months later and all lost!

Just got back from a routine appt.at St Mary’s Hospital .

I don’t always see the same person ,but this time and last ,I saw a lovely young man called Mark.

We talk .

Last time he told me that he lives in Fulham and his sister studied art ,but she had to have a break as she was being treated for Lymphoma.

Today we talked about Christmas,new year and our families .
He told me his dear mum died of cancer when he was fourteen .I told him about Rosie Then we both had a little weep and he found me a tissue .I produced my linen handkerchief and told him I always carry one as a) they don’t make your nose sore like tissues do and b) I cry a lot and he’s not to apologise for making me cry , because he hasn’t made me cry ,Rosie dying has made me cry and those tears are always just below the surface -hence the hankie .

Then he patted me on the back and we said goodbye and I left my hankie there – which I seem to do everywhere I go .

Empathy

I still talk and write to Rosie everyday .

I talk to her as I walk , rarely when I am still , or when I go into her bedroom .When I go into her bedroom ,I always say sorry to her .Sorry for intruding ,sorry for not being able to look at her pictures and just plain sorry …because I am .I am so sorry ,it hurts.

Then I write to her at night when I put pen to paper in my diary .If she hears me or reads me ,she must think I am mad .I think I am a bit .

Today was the six year anniversary of when I said my final good-bye to Rosie and so in her memory some kind friends took me to The Gurdwara for lunch .I am not Sikh ( obviously ) and neither are they ( they are Muslim ) , but we listened to the prayers, observed the customs and shared their food .It was a lovely way to take let her roam around in my head and yet feel safe and comforted by the kindness and consideration of other people .

Sorry Dec, I stole your joke

Soup kitchen in numbers


117 guests

54 seats

A long queue at the door

9 volunteers

3 volunteers absent

1 electronic cheese grater

John on jacket potatoes, beans ,cheese,butter and ham , a la Heston ( services not Blumenthal )

Me ,in charge of front of house – meaning I had the unpleasant job of asking very ,cold, hungry ,lonely , possible drunk or high, people , to wait patiently until there was a seat free

20 loaves

5 kilos of cheese

naff ham

decent coffee

full fat milk

fruit cake

custard creams

and ….soup

Now I’m all toastie at home , feeling a bit guilty that so many of the people I spoke to this afternoon have nowhere to go , and also concerned as the problem appears to be getting worse .

A friend from TCF

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2889539/Why-children-CRUEL-question-s-classic-New-Year-party-chit-chat-heart-jolting-emotion-bereaved-mother-explains.html

I know I have banned the Daily Mail from my life, but a dear friend alerted me to this article.
So true, so sad and even though I am sad ,I feel their sadness too.

It’s a ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ reference

It could have gone global –

me trying to squeeze through 2 railings to get into the out of bounds area, which is Nunhead Reservoir .

It was the tits that were the problem- just couldn’t get them through .But once I’d taken off my coat and any other layers of clothing ( ensuring I couldn’t be arrested for indecency ) and pressed them down in true washboard fashion , I managed to get my whole big body through .But boy was it worth it .

Thanks to Nikki,Amy,Holly,Ryan and Stu for suggesting it and then taking Florence and me there .It has a zillionth of the crowds of Primrose Hill ,but an even better view of London .In fact the best view I’ve ever seen .Then the icing on the cake was a Wetherspoons Special – fish ,chips and mushies ,washed down with a glass of chilled white for £6.25 .It seemed extra specially good as on the 21st December we spotted the first pint we’d ever seen for over £7!!!!

The other bit of news is ,Mandy and I were invited back on the Jo Good Show on Friday ,but sadly ,neither of us can do it .

And more news , florence has chugged north ,Jacob has flown east and John and I are spending the last day of 2014 ,doing what we do best ( well John is brilliant at it ,I’m crap , it’s always a bit of a bish bash bosh job ) DIY , but if i do say it myself our Red Room of Pain is looking lovely !

Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2015 x

For your reading pleasure

We are all completely Beside Ourselves – Karen Joy Fowler
Read it -tick
Finished it-tick
Enjoyed it – half a tick
I’ve heard people rave about this book – I didn’t .It was different,unexpected,odd even
Didn’t help the main character was called Rosie ( sometimes ) and Rose ( at others ) and she is grieving for her sister who has gone missing .
I knew none of that when I started it .
If anyone has read it ,I’d love to know what you think

Not quite The Nativity

Christmas Eve was quite a night

When Stu won the Cluedo with Mrs White.

Florence worked at the hob to please

us

with home-made fired pizzas covered with cheese .

The question of the night was’ where should we go?’… The Plough ,The Wheat-sheaf or the Barley Mow ?

All I know ,as we said good-bye at the gate ,they were all going to be very late (and quite well oiled after the amount to pink fizz and rum and gingers we got through )

Appendix 1:

Then on Christmas morn ,pre Bellini(s)

Appendix II:

We drove off in the car and ate aubergines,olives and tahini

We decided on a Kosher cafe to break our fast

Where no-one would say ‘Merry Christmas”.

Them home for a re-charge and onto The Clarkes,

where we ate drank and made merry until way after dark

The food was amazing ,the table was laden

The drinks kept acoming ..so much so ,I can’t be arsed to keep up the rhyming .

We played The List Game , X-rated Balderdash, The Bowl Game and ate our weight in Lindors and drank our BMI in everything

and today my head hurt a little bit .

But , today after a walk to the pub and a game of scrabble

Appendix III

Jacob packed his bag and joined and joined the rabble

At Heathrow Terminal 5 en route to Dam

While Flo ,John and I , our little fam

Watched ‘Sightseers ‘ on the TV

Appendix I- John and I hit the hay at 11.30

Appendix II -They were actually ‘Red Roosters’

Appendix III – The Fox/Florence won

After making me guess I was ‘The Rock’ in the ‘Who am I?’ game

A couple of firsts yesterday …
1.Went to The Royal Opera House ,Covent Garden, to see the ballet ‘Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
‘“have I gone mad?
im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are.”
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Was Lewis on drugs when he the book ?
Great performance , loved the production,gauped in amazement at the fabulous building, glad I sort-of knew the story . Loved being a guest of Ryan and his grandparents .
Am I going to take ballet up ? Not this year .
2. Ate Nepalese Momos ( in all forms )
Highly recommended
Would I like to learn to cook them ? possibly this year

Thank you for all your texts ,flowers,cakes, emails and donations

Yesterday while I was putting Jane’s lovely little twig Christmas tree up ,I listen to The Archbishop of Canterbury,Justin Welbys’ ,Desert Island Discs.

I wanted to like him ,but, he annoyed me straight away ,when he said he, as head of the Church of England, was against gay marriage.

But about the fourth song in ,he started talking about the sudden death ( in a road traffic accident ) of his 7month old daughter,Johanna , and from then ,he spoke great sense..

I grabbed my pen and jotted down a few notes , so forgive me ,if I’ve got his words slightly wrong .

Talking of significant dates ,Johanna’s Birthday ,the day she died , Christmas etc , he said ” if you don’t attack it , it will attack you .Whether you have faith or not is irrelevant .The most helpful thing is to celebrate the person .To remember them with love.To remember what they gave and what you gave back ”

And so this year ,like all the other five years, we did celebrate Rosie’s life , and for me it is important that we do it together….so on the 21st we went to The Isis ,lunched at The Serpentine , punched each other at the Julio le Parc exhibition , rearranged the chairs (not ) at the Reiner Ruthenbeck exhibition, shopped in Uniglo , went to a pub for pre-drinks where for the first time a pint was over £7 (!) , ate at The BFI , marvelled at The Soiree and soaked up the amazing London skyline .
That was how we attacked it .

I have no doubt ,Rosie was with us every minute of the day .

I love you Rosie

“When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

Khalil Gibran

Gill -The 2 Spanakopitas were amazing – a perfect treat .Thank you so very very much .

Tis the season to…keep busy ,dig deep and not think ‘what if / why didn’t I /should I have….. ? ( cos that , and the exclusion zone ,nearly kills me ) .

Thanks to everyone who have sent generous donations, lovely words and/or invitations . I apologise if I say ‘no’ , but don’t stop asking , you never know ,next year ,I might be up for it !

Every-time I receive kind words in a card or a text or an email, it sends me a ripple of empathy and love , and those things really matter .

I think if I started my own religion it would be called ‘EIK!’ and would be founded on empathy ,inclusion and kindness .Because ,to me ,they really matter .

Jacob came home on Thursday and Florence chugs in tonight .Not until the four of us are together I’ll feel safe

The Apprentice- the final 2

Bianca to win
Only cos she went to the same school as me ,Sydenham High , and so she’s probably the only girl having left who has learnt enough to make a success of anything !
I don’t even wear tights.

I lied about the stirring

Picture the scene.

11.30am Burnham Beeches car-park, by the pay-and-display machine ……..

I fumble with my two pound coins.

He fumbles with his two dog leads .

I drop one of my coins .

He drops Fido’s coat .

I look up

He looks up

Our eyes meet

I feel a stirring ( him not me )

He asks me if he could show me his Cha Cha Cha .

I rush back to Emerald ,climb in and get my choppers round my cheese,mango chutney and tomato baguette .

He waltzes off

…A brief encounter with Anton Du Beke

This week

Although following the same format, last night couldn’t have been more different than the one before .

It started with drinks , we met new people ,we chatted , Grace was sung by Zachary Boser from St Paul’s Cathedral School , we sat down ,( between a ‘Lady ‘ and a man with the CBE) we were waited on ,we had five courses accompanied by the most amazing wines ( that was different – jugs of juice on Tuesday ) ,carols were sung by Gresham School Choir , we chatted more ,we sang The National Anthem , we toasted the royal family , we listened to a fantastic speech by Ms Wafi Kani, we retired to another room for more drinks and more chat ..and then got the tube home – slightly shell-shocked and amazed at the night we’d just had . It was all quite surreal .

Last night ,I was a guest of my cousin ,Robert ,at The Fishnongers’ Company Livery Dinner .My father,Geoffrey ,was a member of The Livery and Jane became a member by patrimony ,and although in 1997 she got her Freedom of the City of London , she never did get the opportunity to drive her sheep over London bridge.

Did I feel comfortable with it ? I’m not sure .Did I enjoy it ? Yes .Is it like stepping into the dark ages? Yes. Would I go again ? Yes , maybe in another 17 years .Is it like being in another world? Definitely.

But now- today .At noon it is The Celebration of Claire Prosser’s Life at St Paul’s Church .Think of her ,think of her husband,Paul and her daughter ,Ellen .Send them strength, send them love .Some people ask , are you going , will you be OK ? Of course it will be hard and unbelievably sad, but is is not about us ,or even,Rosie, it is about Claire and her family .John and I will be there for them and to say good-bye and tragically ,saying goodbye is very important.

too many verys to type

Thank you all for your beautiful flowers ,words, wine ,cards,emails and texts – they mean a lot .

Yesterday was all about Rosie ,as well as keeping safe ,and doing good stuff with kind people…… and all that was possible knowing Jacob and Florence were together in Dam ( as Jacob calls it ) also doing good stuff .With Freya, they drove to Hoge Veluwe National Park and cycled on the famous white bikes, before going out for tapas .

We on the other hand ,worked and then ate out with 25 people .

Work was great – I danced for Rosie – Disco ,Country and Bhangra .Luckily it is ‘Dance Extravaganza’ week at school – so it wasn’t just me looking a complete plonker in the artroom. Then I shot to The Isis , laid down , looked to the sky and just tried to be still in my head .Not easy when 3 Japanese tourists ask if a) I’m OK and b) if answer to a) is ‘yes’ ,would I kindly take a photo

Once home and together, John and I shot off to another night at Ealing Night Shelter .John was on the door ,I was on wash-bags .At 8pm we sat down to a fab carb-laden 3 course dinner and chat, with people who sadly, have more baggage than us .

Later at home we ,at 106 and Jacob ,Florence and Freya in Holland ,raised our glasses of Whisky (us ) , Sangria (them ) to Rosie .

We love her so very very very very much

Rosie’s 25th Birthday

Rosie , my darling girl ,I love you and I miss you so much it hurts .
I miss everything …your laugh ,your cackle , fish-pie in the carpet , your weird foodie concoctions, paint all over the place , clothes everywhere ,your enthusiasm ,your dancing ,your chat ….just everything
I could go on and on and on ,but I won’t because ,selfishly ,it makes me too sad and unable to walk,talk, think or dance .
But today ,for you, I will dance .

over to you

Sadly ,Sally there is no evidence .
I’d like to say Billy Bragg would have been proud , but i’d think i’d be lying but
the spirit and message were there .Now i’s time for you to all practice at home……

There is power in a factory, power in the land
Power in the hands of a worker

But it all amounts to nothing if together we don’t stand
There is power in a union

Now the lessons of the past were all learned with workers blood
The mistakes of the bosses we must pay for
From the cities and the farmlands to trenches full of mud
War has always been the bosses way, sir

The union forever defending our rights
Down with the blackleg, all workers unite
With our brothers and our sisters from many far off lands
There is power in a union

Now I long for the morning that they realize
Brutality and unjust laws can not defeat us
But who’ll defend the workers, who cannot organize
When the bosses send their lackies out to cheat us?

Money speaks for money, the devil for his own
Who comes to speak for the skin and the bone
What a comfort to the widow, a light to the child
There is power in a union

The union forever defending our rights
Down with the blackleg, all workers unite
With our brothers and our sisters, together we will stand
There is power in a union

If you don’t know the words try singing it to the tune of ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas ‘
Works a dream ( not ).

in out in out

Elvis was ceremoniously dumped and replaced with Billy Bragg’s “There is power in a Union” as we have been asked to sing it our friend’s 60th birthday party tonight

The ‘ keep positive and happy even though it is December singing theme ‘ continues with a pre-party London lunch followed by the London Gay Men’s Chorus ‘Calendar Boys!’ matinee concert .

I’m practicing my breathing as I type

Sing for the brain

Thank you for all your kind responses .

Ellen and Paul and Claire and Tom and Rosie have dominated my head this week .I feel so sad for all of them .The three who died too young and the two who are left in such pain . Life can be so tough .

I fear this might sound crass, but I have to do something positive .So I am going out walking and singing. We’ve chosen a train journey ( can stare out the window and not think ) a Thames Path Walk ( can’t get lost ) and Elvis .

Always On My Mind- nuff said

Suspicious minds – cos I love it

Claire Prosser

It is with a sad and heavy heart I have to tell you that my dear friend ,Claire Prosser ,died yesterday .

Eight weeks after Rosie died ,Claire got in touch with me .Tragically the thing we had in common was that we had both had a teenager who had died suddenly .

Her son ,Tom ,had died the year before Rosie .He was just 14 and a student at Drayton Manor ,where Rosie did her A levels .

I remember we met in Papillon cafe and just hugged -then sat and talked and laughed and cried and hugged some more .She was fabulous – tactile, funny, honest and kind .Being with her was great – I never felt a failure .In a funny little way ,she empowered me .

The last time we met she came here for lunch .We ate and drank far too much and put the world ( well West Ealing ) to rights .We got talking about wine .Claire had holidayed in Switzerland and said the wine was fabulous .I told her ,the last time I had spoken to my cousin Alan , who lives in Australia and is a wine-buyer , he too had been raving about Swiss wine ,so I’d tried to buy some ,but it was bloody expensive , so I never bothered . Later that day ,I popped out and on my return there was a gift – Claire had dropped round a bottle of her Swiss wine.

She was kind like that .

I shall miss her .

But my missing her is mere drop in the ocean of sadness that her husband,Paul, and daughter,Ellen, must be feeling right now .Their pain is unimaginable .My heart reaches out to them and for what it is worth ,I send them all the love and strength in the world .

I’ve got a window seat-love it

I hear the call of The Yaka Collective , Loch Katrine ,Killin ,Loch Tay ,The Falls of Dochart Crabshakk ,Ironbrew, macaroni cheese pies, Buckfast and St. Andrew – so I’m heading north to Glasgow .
Not seeing Florence for 3 months has been too dam long .
Can’t wait

A brilliant charity that runs every night for 3 months – please support it

Last night John and I got in from work and shot out pretty dam quick .

Me, being a selfish old cow , worried about missing my dinner ,but I shouldn’t have done , because after making up beds, laying the tables, sorting out hand-made wash-bags filled with new toiletries , we meeted and greeted ( I was wash-bag monitor and john was on the door ) and then sat down to a fabulous 3 course feast of lentil and bean soup , shepherds pie or Indonesian veggie curry ( I had both ) ,followed by the best sticky toffee pudding and toffee sauce ever , with a load of new people .

Then we just talked .

This was our first night at Ealing Night Shelter .I don’t want to sound pious or patronising or do-gooderish ,because to be honest , me volunteering is probably more about me .Being with people who have more ( or different) baggage to me is good . Helping helps .Listening helps .Being kind-helps. It makes me feel less useless and takes my head to that elusive safe-place .Then I came home and couldn’t sleep for,thinking of them all and worrying and feeling guilty for being all toasty in my bed

DSD

Thanks to Jess Indeedy and BT I lost a day of my life .

Jess- cos she forced us to return to ‘Drink, Shop ,Do’ …which apart from the shopping, we did , to be guests at November’s Musical Bingo , as we still hadn’t claimed our free tickets for winning the last ‘Decorate a Dauber’ competition

and

BT,( who were sitting at the next table ) for befriending us ( think we reminded them of their mothers ) ,grabbing us up to dance and then continually falling into our table , apologising profusely and then buying us all a replacement drink ..and another and another ..then a bottle .

It was a hoot .

We won round 3 in game 2 ( rock anthems ) with 3 rows of 3 .I had a choice …a round of Bingoteenies from the the Cocktail Bar ( I was tempted ) or something from the sparkly mystery box .With the whole of BT and 50 others shouting Box Box Box , my 2 friends were drowned out …so I opened it and guess what …I won a HUGE curly wig .

Never felt happier !

Proud Mother- part II

If you didn’t make it to Florence last weekend ,perhaps you could head up to Glasgow for this
http://yakacollective.co.uk/exhibition-programme/
I’ve booked my seat on one of Mr BA’s finest planes for this one .

”Suddenly the horizon didn’t look right.”

The 26th December this year is the 10 year anniversary of The Asian Tsunami Disaster .I have been thinking of Nim and her family a lot .

In last Saturday’s paper there was a very moving article by Edie Fassnidge , who was kayaking with her mother,sister and boyfriend off a Thai beach , when the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami hit. She and boyfriend,Matt, survived. Tragically , her sister ,Alice and their mother did not . She found it hard to write about it , with the depth it deserves ,and so illustrated her book ‘Rinse, Spin, Repeat ‘ with lots of little drawings.

I continue to read about other people’s grief- how they describe it ,what they have to say and how they feel etc .I never stop feeling sad and pain for them and very often ,bits of what is written about them ,resonate with me .None more so than this final paragraph ‘Since the tsunami, Edie feels she’s living for her mother and Alice as well as herself -she says ” I don’t find that a pressure ,I find it a positive .Above all,I know that in a split second you can lose everything”

I feel like that about doing stuff for Rosie – she’s not here to do stuff ,so I dam well will …and with my will and her holding my hand and urging me on , cobble our way through it together

proud mother

found it !

Click on
http://www.schermodellarte.org/en/visio-european-workshop-on-artists-moving-images3-edition/

click on ‘participants’

click on the fourth one down

How exciting

The hi-light of my day –
I’ve just read
The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton
and loved it

The hi-light of Jacob’s day-
he has gone to Florence as his film is in an Italian festival

Izzy and Phil fly away

It’s a huge big fat farewell and au-revoir and be’hatzlacha to Izzy and Phil who jet off to Australia tomo

We all wish them a a wonderful ,happy ,safe adventure and Izzy ,it may sound silly ,but I shall miss you .You are such a special person and when you are near,I feel a bit of Rosie is near too .I know how much she loved you and from somewhere ‘out there’ I believe she is right behind you egging you on and at times ,right next to you , holding your hand .

it was lovely we made it to your leaving party ( despite Transport for London letting us down and sending my blood pressure sky-high! ) and special to have breakfast with you the week before .. I wanted to give you something of Rosie’s to take with you and I remembered clearly when you gave Rosie that YSL Touche Eclat for her 18th birthday and how much she LOVED it ! It was dabbed onto to every spot and blemish and carried with her at all times ( albeit in a mashed up state ) . She used it up in a couple of months and bought herself another one . So with trepidation I went up to her room , looked through her make up bag and found it . So .if you can find room ,please keep Rosie’s well worn gold spot-stick close and then I know part of her is in Aus with you .
Isn’t it funny that Bert chose the photo of you and Rosie – you with the clown’s ruff and her with the wig , for this month’s front page ?

Sending you heaps and heaps of love.

xxxxx

She looked fab- love the hair

TCIOTDITNT was AMAZING – absolutely loved it .
You know I’m a believer that we are all somewhere on the spectrum , just some people are so far over it effects everything they do .
Brilliant acting ..and as for the set – out of this world
Top tip- if you go ,stay to the bitter end
We then shot off to fifth floor Waterstones ( not Harvey Nicks ) for supper and some BOGOF classy cocks and were so busy chatting when we came down in the lift , got off on the wrong floor and walked straight into Debbie Harry’s photograhy launch party . It was only when 2 minders approached us and asked for our tickets and ID ,we were caught and marched off the premises .

Now I’m in a big rush – so why am I typing this ?

Gone Girl -I’ve read the book and seen the film – which I think would have been better if I hadn’t have read the book – but I’d forgotten the ending anyway ,so I guess it didn’t matter

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time -I’ve read the book and am off to see the play .Good job my phone was buzzing in my pocket as my friend ballsed up and we are seeing this afternoon’s matinee and not tonight’s production. She was really apologetic ,but actually it was quite refreshing as it is normally me who ballses up- so now I don’t feel quite as mad as I did 15 minutes ago !

Mr Turner – seen his paintings -will see his film at the weekend

The time of year approaches when I have to keep busier than usual and take my head to a nice ‘safe’ place .

Stupid really isn’t it ?

Westcliff on Sea to be precise

Last day of the hols and I got my fix of the seaside..and it was spookily hot ..and beautiful and for a minute when I closed my eyes ,then opened them and saw the most wonderful sunset , I thought I was back in Lamu , not Essex .

The Roebuck is still standing so we had a couple of farewell drinks sitting in our snug spot of 38years ago

Had a trip down memory lane yesterday returning to my old stomping ground of learning ( joke ..the words ‘enough’ and ‘just’ ,spring to mind ) , Sheffield .

I went there by default ..was meant to be going to Bristol , got crap A level results ,went through clearing and went to Sheffield Poly .

At first I found the city an enigma .No underground system ,it rained every day and I could see cows out of my window . I cried ,I was sad and so I phoned Grandma .As you can imagine , she was totally unsympathetic and told me to get on with it and she’d see me at Christmas – if I’d left enough money to pay the fare home !

Then I grew to love it … the friendly people, my mates, the pubs, the city , the markets ( esp the deformed chicken stall ) the buses that ran every minute and cost about 5p , the snow – the city ,like Rome ,is built on 7 hills and so when it snows everything comes to s halt , the Peak District , the walks ,the climbs , the music..it was fantastic .

So yesterday ,I went back .

My dear friend,Ian, met me at the station and he drove me round everywhere. Our old Hall of residence at Totley – un recognisable ..probably because it has been bulldozed down and turned into a housing estate .The chippy ..now an organic artisan (ie expensive) bakery .Psalter lane Art College ,where I spent my fourth year hanging out with the members of Human League ,Cabaret Voltaire and Throbbing Gristle ( actually I just spotted them the other side of the canteen ) , also flattened and now a block of flats .

But the good old Barrel at Bretton is still standing .So we had a fabulous lunch at the top of one of the highest peaks and looking down over the village of Eyam and the most magnificent, rugged view

‘There’s a Place for Us’ being a particular favourite

Tears of bloody anger…
There we were half way through our second song ,halfway through the scooby snacks and halfway up a grassy hill ,leading from the beautiful village of Aldbury and heading for Ivinghoe Beacon .The sky was azure blue ,Red Kites were flying above us , not a soul in sight …..when out of nowhere ( in fact there was a golf-course behind the mound ) a miserable old bag shouts at us ”would you be a bit quieter , you’re putting me off my putting”- not even a dam ‘please’.
So we sang louder , managing to cover The Sound of Music, Camelot, Hair and West Side Story .

Day II

It’s half-term and I’ve planned my week ,

I’ve never been good on my own and always managed to inflict myself on other people .

But this week there have been some added bonuses- ‘Coach-Trip’ is back on the TV , the sun is shining and we managed to complete 1 crossword without the use of the PC.

So today ,in the words of John Denver , my bags are packed ,I’m ready to go and I’m standing here outside my door ( well I will be when I’m dressed )….

and I’m off a long ,hilly walk in The Chilterns .I have my flask, scooby-snacks , sticks, and most importantly , 2 songs ….’Baby ,now that I’ve Found You’ ( upbeat )and ‘Dear Lord and Father of Mankind- which to me is my most favorite,beautiful and personal hymn of all times .
They’ll be tears.

Bob Geldof

Reading what Bob Geldof wrote about the death of his daughter ,Peaches,can be very painful ,and at times very similar to the way I feel .On TLP I spoke not only of my sadness ,but also my sense of failure , because what is the one most important thing to me in the world? To protect my children.

Last week , Bob Geldof said this

”But of course I blame myself.I’m a parent and what worse failure is there to preside over than the death of your child? I defy any parent who has been through it not to do the same .If your kid was knocked down in a car accident, you’d say to yourself: if only I’d insisted they’d stayed home that night…..” he trails off.

He also says he likes playing Scrabble .

I’ve thought about this and I know why. Because when I play Scrabble ( or even do Zumba , or the crossword with John or play cards or Cluedo or The Game with no name etc etc ) – it takes my brain to safe and positive place where I can’t really think .In fact if give my brain a little rest , which has to good

2 books

Reading ( the verb , not the place West of London ) .. continues to be a pass-time that can come or go . But in the last 3 weeks I’ve been on a roll . Maybe because I’m feeling winter drawers on ( both time wise and practically ) and the dreaded D ( December ) and C ( Christmas ) words have started popping up in all sorts of conversations. So to keep my head in a safe place ,and not to go over and over and over what we were doing six years ago ,I have programmes I ritualistically watch and books downloaded that I think will absorb me and help me get back to sleep .

So the 2 books I have read and loved for very different reasons are ‘We are called to Rise ” by Laura McBride and ‘The Shock of the Fall’ by Nathan Filer .

WACTR was an easier read and is based about 4 different characters whose lives become interlinked .It is narrated by 8 year Bashkim , who I fell in love with him ( even though he is not real )

TSOTF- was narrowing and so moving and frustrating and at times ,too close to home . ..but absolutely bloody brilliant


Please

I can’t believe I’ve just cried through the last 10minutes of ‘Bad Education’.
Bring back ‘Fresh Meat’

x

It’s somehow even sadder when there’s an ‘0’ in it .
Seventy months – too long,too sad, too wrong

Chichester’s got talent

Had a wonderful day out yesterday .

Chugged down to Chichester on the train and saw 1 beautiful thing and 1 AMAZING thing .
The beauty lay in the work of J.D Fergusons’ paintings at The Pallant House Gallery .He was a Scottish Colourist who was heavily influenced by his trip to France and his love of the stylish Margaret Morris .I think his paintings are stunning.

The amazing thing was ‘Gypsy’ at the Chichester Festival Theatre .I think I am a little bit in love with Imelda Staunton .Everything she does just gets better and better and Gypsy was simply sublime – the whole cast ,the set ,the music ,the story ,the humour ,the sadness , the orchestra , (the audience – average age 75 ) and her .Imelda lit up the stage and as for her last song – I think the whole audience was moved ( well those who weren’t queuing for the one disabled toilet ) .It was fantastic.

Then we chugged home and I cried again ,reading what Bob Geldof wrote about coping with his pain after the tragic death of his daughter ,Peaches .
”It comes and goes. plane rides don’t help, because you’re on your own.I travel with my mate, who is my agent and we play Scrabble, but in between choosing the words , you’re left there, with it .So usually I try to write or read .Anything. But even then,it will assail you .And it is an assault.”
He speaks the truth .

16th October- unforgettable

Janet – I loathed that sewing task in 3A and think I binned my blouse before even taking it home .Mind you ,to the day she died Grandma had a purple felted needle case ,I had made in the infants – nowadays they probably wouldn’t let a 6 year old within a 3 mile radius of a needle .

I LOVED that mermaid song .In 2002 I bought Johnny Cash’s last ever CD ‘American IV-The Man Comes Around’ and on it he sang ‘The Streets of Laredo’- somewhat better than we did .

funny us talking of Kensington Avenue Primary School today as it is Jane’s birthday . She loved that place and had them all wrapped round her little finger ,esp Mr Lawson – who i thought was as tough as old boots

Today’s broadcast

if you’ve got nothing else to do tune in to

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p027rljg

We were on 1hr and 10minutes into the programme

Jo Good is LOVELY

back up to the BBC tomorrow – what a bore ( not ) – i find it quite exciting esp as Grandma used to love Jo Good

Thank you for more lovely comments .

I was thinking ,out of everyone I know ,Janet ,I have know you the longest .We have been friends since we were 5years old in those heady days of Kensington Avenue Primary School. You must remember singing ‘To be a Pilchard’ and country dancing to ‘The Dashing White Sergeant’ .
Just before John and I were nearly stampeded by 300 cattle ,I was going through my repertoire of Kensington Avenues’ songs and I could ( proudly) remember every word to ‘The fiddler’s ready let us all begin, so step it out and step it in ‘ …… “Casey Jones’ and an all time inappropriate classic ‘They sailed the ship Titanic’ which had the rousing chorus
‘it was sad,it was sad, it was sad, mighty sad , it was sad ,when that great ship went down .Husbands and wives, little children lost their loves.it was sad when that great ship went down ” ….such a happy little ditty ?!

Feeling a bit nervous as Mandy and I have been invited to speak live on Jo Good’s Radio London show ,tomorrow , between 4.10 and 4.30 pm.
It’s live this time so Mandy has made us a sign each ‘Do not interrupt’!

TLP

A huge thank you to everyone who commented ,texted and emailed about The Listening Project.
I found many of your words deeply moving and I appreciate every single one of them .
It was very hard listening to TLP ( even harder looking at that dreadful photo- the 2 mugs were preferable ) . but I’m glad I did it .
When I wobbled ,I thought of Rosie ,and composed myself by reaching out to hold her imaginary hand .
But how do I feel hearing it ?
Sad
Happy
Embarrassed
Stupid
Interrupting
In love with my family
Proud of all my family
and
A loathing of my voice ( although I’m yet to find anyone who likes the sound of their own voice when they hear it on tape )

Marvelous

Just watched ‘Marvelous’

http://www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/latestnews/2014/marvellous

and it was .

Should be shown in schools .

Made me laugh and cry

The Listening Project – on this week

OK this is it .

These are the dates and the times of episodes ,my friend,Mandy and I are going to be on The Listening Project on Radio 4 .

I thought long and hard about flagging them up on the blog .

I feel a bit stupid ,a bit embarrassed even .But as I mentioned before , I was contacted by Louise Pepper , who asked if I would do it and I did .

If anyone does find time to listen I would love to hear what you think – just a little text or email or a course of elocution lessons or a paper bag to put over my head ,would be fine

So here goes

Wednesday 8 Oct

10.55 – Producer Louise Pepper

Rachel and Mandy – Diary Keepers

Friday 10 Oct

16.55

Rachel and Mandy – Losing a Child

23.55

Rachel and Mandy – Keep On Running

Sunday 12 Oct 14.45
OMNIBUS EDITION

Longer edits of all 3.
”Fi Glover with three snippets from a conversation between friends who became close when Rachel’s daughter died but who still find joy in writing a diary or running for charity, in the Omnibus edition of the series that proves it’s surprising what you hear when you listen.”

Mini-break brain-gym.

I love a map and I love a medina and I love a colour coded ( blue for souks , green for gardens , purple for palaces etc ) series of walks and I love being in 30+ degree heat.. and I love the fact that when John and I put them all together ,we had chaos ..of the African kind .

I challenge anyone to go to Fez and not get lost . What a city – we loved it .It is rougher round the edges than Marrakech , but has none of the hassle factor .Jean Claude, our Riad owner and fountain of all Fez knowledge told us The Medina is 45 hectares with a thousand streets ( think alleys ) ,and I’m pretty dam sure we walked down 999 of them .Today is their Eid and so yesterday in preparation ,there were sheep everywhere ..being dragged into carts,upstairs into houses, carried on shoulders , just like lambs to the slaughter .Today there will be a lot of dead sheep , a lot of their blood ( every Muslim family cuts the throat of one sheep for each male ) and the burning of their carcasses in the shells of old mattresses .

But back to the city .We stayed in a beautiful Riad with the courtyard decorated in similar colours to Yves St.Laurent’s Majorelle Gardens .THAT blue has to be my favourite colour in the world , and it is everywhere in Fez ..in the ceramics,the tiles,the fountains ( but ,not the sheep ) .We ate in the most beautiful cafes and restaurants.Cafe Clock ,all arty and boho with a roof terrace overlooking The Medina. Here I sampled my first Camel -Burger , speciality of the house -it reminded a bit of chorizo to look and taste .Then Fez Cafe in Le Jardins des Biehn, which was like being in a cross between fairyland and The Palm House in Kew Gardens – all pretty lights and palms and streams.Then The Ruined Garden ,which once was a rubbish dump and is now all mosaics and fountains and plants and nooks and crannies and hidden tables and wonderful food .Then last night we went to a place so hidden ,Dar Roumana , they had to send a local to pick us up and walk us there and back , without Abdi ,we would never have found it and would still be walking around now . This was the only place that served us up a Classy Cock- the others were all Casablanca Beer and Moroccan wine. Yet another wonderful roof terrace and one of the most beautiful dining rooms I have ever eaten in .

Then this morning we were up at 4.30 to be greeted by Jean Claude with coffee and freshly fried pancakes before we left to get the 7am’ let’s see the sunrise as the pilot comes out of the cockpit to help the cabin-crew push all the bags into the overhead lockers ‘Ryanair flight .Give them credit ,there was no hard-sell on the scratch-cards and we landed at Stansted to that fanfare of trumpets ,25 minutes early !

After reading the above through ,i would like to add …

1.We didn’t just eat and drink ( although to be honest in did take up a lot of the time ) .
2.We viewed the tanneries .Never seen ( or smelt ) anything like it .Made my bit of batik at work seem quite tame
3.The pilot helped with the bags before the plane took off ( in case you were worried )
4. We strolled in the beautiful Jnane Sibil Jardins ..once we found them .Although it did take a kind Spanish guy and his Korean girlfriend to lead us to them

Alice Gross

My heart goes out to Alice Gross and her family .
The pain her Mum,Dad and Sister must be feeling ,is unimaginable .
Our whole community were behind them ,I’ve never seen such a sea of hope ,as there was for her .
It’s too sad for words .
I send them love and strength and peace

Nanny

A big fat Happy Birthday to John’s Mum, Mary ,who was 90 yesterday .

She is amazing ..fiercely independent , agile , bright and doesn’t need glasses to read !

She was lucky to be surrounded with love from her five children, five of her grandchildren , five partners of five children and two partners of two grandchildren

plus

A big fat thank-you to Andrew and Lin to hosting a lovely al fresco party to celebrate the occasion on Sunday

Film of the year for me

If you tick any of the Welsh-lesbian-gay-humanitarian-kind-honest-been down a pit- drive a battered old bus- lived off cheap food -sung passionately- campaigner – felt isolated- felt scared – kept a secret …boxes , I think you’d like the film ‘Pride’ .

I absolutely loved it .

It was one of the only three films I’ve see in my life when the whole cinema audience clapped at the end .It felt that good .

Personally, I feel at some time or other I have ticked all the boxes .All except one- I can never claim to have been Welsh ( although we did enjoy this years holiday in Parrog )

Mark Hix’s concoction

Last night I went out to supper and had a meal that Grandmama would have loved .

A roast chicken ,skewered and served upwards ,with it’s parson’s nose ( her favourite bit ) pointing north , on a bed of skinny chips ( her actual favourites were MacDonalds Happy Meal ones), stuffed to the ginnels with sage and onion and with a jug of gravy to pour over the top all accompanied by a classy cock of gin, Green Chartreuse, lemon sherbet, lemon juice and soda water.

Heaven

I should get out more

The two hi-lights of my week in one night –
last nights ‘Bad Education’
and tonight’s GBBO .
Who is going to go ?
my money is Louis to go out tonight and Chetna to win ,
plus I have an idea for one of the programmes- an allergy week ..
1.no wheat or gluten
2.no dairy
3. I can’t think of No.3

Phew- I don’t need a passport to visit Florence ( my daughter not the city in Italy -not yet part of the UK – but you never know )

About once a year ,I get out of my seat , wave my arms around like a mad-thing , exchange twitter account details with a new man ( even though I don’t have one ) sitting next to me , dance to Donna Summer’s ‘Enough is Enough ” and nearly wet myself laughing .

Who needs a bloody therapist when you’ve got ‘Briefs’ ?

It was the third time I’ve seen them and they are amazingly brilliant ,funny,coarse,toned ,original , butch,camp,risque and talented .I love them .

So , this morning I wake up all upbeat and happy until I open a letter that plopped on the mat from The Post Office and sounded like I was being accused of being a terrorist

”We cannot deliver the parcel you sent as the parcel contains items classed as dangerous goods by the international Civil Aviation Organization and therefore prohibited from being sent to international destinations”

My crime – to send Frigg and Gro a bottle of nail varnish each

many of us carry the dead around with us .We shouldn’t be ashamed of that

Thank you Geraldine for that article .
It makes perfect sense to me – especially the bit about feeling so tired – people tend to look surprised when I tell them how exhausting being sad is , after all you’re not actually doing anything and you look OK ( or not ?)
So here is just a small part of the article….
.
”The celebrated American poet ,Edward Hirsch , had theorised about the nature of the elegy. And then his own son died in a drug-related accident, and he was left searching for words to describe his loss. Tim Adams meets the author of a ‘masterpiece of sorrow’

The poem was also an argument with a different kind of faith, Hirsch suggests. He was raised in a Jewish household but he was never a believer. In grief, though, he railed at a maker that he knew was a fiction. “One of the things that comes through in my poem, I think, is that I can’t believe in God but I can’t quite give him up either. I shake my fist at him, even though I know he isn’t there.”

He was unable to say the Kaddish, the prayer Jews have always recited daily in the first year of mourning, though he believes that 12-month period is a natural term for retreat into grief. He found people wanted to heal him in the extremes of his sorrow, or suggested medication, and sees the imperative to “move on” as a great misunderstanding in western society.

“I think ancient cultures incorporated death into the experience of life in a more natural way than we have done. In our obsessive focus on youth, on celebrity, our denial of death makes it harder for people who are grieving to fi nd a place for that grief. There is a big difference between depression and mourning. Depression is a feeling without a cause. Mourning has a cause. Many of us are carrying the dead around with us. We should not feel ashamed of that.”

He has, since his son’s death, felt that weight of grief as a physical burden, one he describes in a section of the poem:

I did not know the work of mourning
Is like carrying a bag of cement
Up a mountain at night

The mountaintop is not in sight
Because there is no mountaintop
Poor Sisyphus grief

Since he has carried that weight himself, he sees it in the bearing of others, initiates in what he calls the “saddest club on Earth”. “You are in that company,” he says. “Anyone who has lost a child will tell you that they don’t recover their sense of endless possibility. Some people hide that well. But after a certain age almost everyone is carrying something like that around, I suppose.”

Walking off the pain

I walk , in fact I walk a lot and I really enjoy it .

On Thursday and Friday I walked round and round Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens.One day on my own ,one day with a friend. It gives me peace and allows me to think ..or not .

I’ve listened to a few of Claire Baldings’ Radio 4 programmes ,’Ramblings’, about walks she has done with different groups of people.

Then today I heard her interviewed about them .When asked why people who are dealing with grief find walking good for them , she replied ‘The physical act of moving forward helps you’

That makes perfect sense

Not sure if she actually lives there

Two days off and 2 visits to The Isis .

On my travels I give

A huge thumbs up to the NHS and St Mary’s Paddington .

A huge thumbs down to the coffee at Kensington Palace – no wonder Kate feels sick ,if that muck is all they can churn out .

Please let there be good news

The last Zumba dance is a slow harmonious wind-down and it’s the only time I can let myself think .So I always I have someone or something I want to think about , and in my own little way either allow myself some peace or ,if it is a person ,send them some love and strength .Tonight I was about to think about Merci ,as it is her son Marc’s inquest tomorrow and she is dreading it , when our Zumba teacher stopped the class and with deep sadness ,told us one of our members ,Rosalind, wasn’t there tonight and wasn’t there last week as her daughter 14 year old daughter ,Alice, has been missing since the 28th August .

I’m sure ,all local people know about her and are looking out for her .There is an amazing campaign , a find Alice Gross Facebook Page and photos in all the local shops and on the trees etc.

So ,between my tears ( which looked like sweat dripping onto the floor ) ,I sent love and hope and strength and peace to Marc, Merci, Alice and Rosalind

Doubtful anyone would notice

Sometimes you might see my left arm go a bit tense and my fingers clench.
This is normally because I feel a bit scared or a bit vulnerable . At times like these I imagine Rosie is holding my hand .
It calms me down ,I think of my breathing and she gives me strength to cope and carry on .

Ooh missus

It’s not commonly known ,but John’s always been partial to a big gherkin , so today , for his birthday treat ,I took him up one .But not just any old random one ,but THE one , in St Mary Axe .

The bar and restaurant at the top on the 38th and 39th floors have been open for 10 years ,but never open to the public .But for five weeks ,ending today ,they have been . So I got clicking ,booked us a table ,then after going through all the security checks , we were whisked upwards into the domey bit right at the top for classy cocks . It was wonderful – a panoramic view over the Olympic Village and North London . Then we walked down the spiral staircase into the restaurant and were given a great table by the window overlooking The Walkie-talkie,The Cheese-grater ,The Shard,The Monument,St Paul’s Cathedral ,The River etc etc . The food was fabulous .I always been partial to a bit of smoked eel , so that went down a treat . I think what made it so great was the atmosphere – all the diners seemed so happy to be there .Everyone was taking photos of each other .The staff were taking photos of us .We were taking photos of each other trying to get The Shard coming out the top of our heads .

It was a shame to come down .

The title of the book has nothing to do with my little story

I dId somethIng I consIder to be quIte brave today .

I looked , well peeped ,in my 2008 dIary .

Up untIl now I haven’t looked In one of my 36 dIarIes pre 21st December 2008 .

Admittedly I didn’t read anythIng ,just opened it at the back page and looked at a list – but It’s a start .

And thIs Is why .
At the moment I am readIng Kate AtkInson’s ‘When will there be good news?’ and the more I read of it ,the more feelIngs of deja-vu I am gettIng . I’m sure I’ve read It before ,but I have no recollectIon of what happens next and when I last read It .So me beIng ‘a back of my dIary lIst-maker of books,fIlms,exhIbItIons etc ‘,I had to check and because thIs mental blur was one of the blurrIest ever -I thought it had to be in 2008 . I know I found it impossible to read anything in 2009 and could only manage a little light reading in 2010 . But It wasn’t In 2008’s list and I dIdn’t even bother looking In 2009 .But there it was in November 2010 wIth a little eight out of ten markIng next to It.

PathetIc Isn’t It ?

happy hols

Now ,back to Dorset .

One night in Emerald and 2 nights in a little hotel ..both overlooking the sea . We walked up and over Golden Cap . We walked down and up 180 steps to Ope Cove .We played scrabble – don’t like to say who won two out of the three games ,but suffice it to say it wasn’t John even though on night 1 he played the first move and used ALL 7 letters ..but the hi-lights were Lobster Wobster Night at the Hive Cafe and the near-death experience on the Abbotsbury walk – imagine the most beautiful windswept coastal walk , not a soul in sight and then on the horizon you spot an isolated old church high on a hill . Well this was us on day three. We walked along Chesil Beach ,cutting in at Abbotsbury to walk up the hill to St Catherine’s Chapel .It is a beautiful atmospheric 14th century Chapel , commanding a magnificent view over the fields and sea .It was built by the monks as a place of pilgrimage and retreat .Walking back down the hill ,I got in the zone and retreated back to my Kensington Avenue primary Schooldays and those assemblies that always started and ended with a hymn , and started singing

”He who would valiant be
‘gainst all disaster,
let him in constancy
follow the Master.
There’s no discouragement
shall make him once relent
his first avowed intent
to be a pilgrim. ”

At the time ( aged around 8 ) we thought it hysterical to end each verse with ” to be a pilchard” .The teachers never seemed to notice .

Suddenly a jeep took us on the inside ( back to the hillside NOT the assembly ) and shouted out something like ”you’d better had move over ” .By this time I’d launched into ”For those in peril on the Sea” ( which even at the time we found ironic as about two thirds of our class of 45 kids had never even seen the sea ) .So John and I looked behind to see a herd of about 200 cattle running down the hill directly at us ! I genuinely felt really scared and couldn’t even think of a hymn to fit the occasion . For the first time in my life i jumped (?) over a farm-gate.John stood firm and sort of inched his way backwards towards my gate .The cows just stopped and stared at us , then gradually got bored and slowly moved away .

Once my blood pressure had come down and I’d resumed a normal breathing pattern ,we walked on.

AHe was always the youngest in the year

It’s LJBD ( little Johnnie Beardie Dwyer)’s 58th Birthday today .He’s spoken to Florence and Jacob and so all is well with the world

But we’ve just got back from 3 wonderful days in Dorset and so and we are doing jobs , going to Chandni Chowk for a curry and watching Tuesday’s stupid but so watchable “in the Club “. Last night we got in and watched Baked Alaskagate on GBBO – Fabulous .

I’ll raise you 2 diamonds….

It has been lovely having Florence and Simon home , but tonight at 23.45 she turns into a Megabus Nightrider to Glasgow ( nothing to do with the TV show ) . So to keep her fuelled up after 2 days at Carnival ,I made some cherry and sultana flapjacks . I made a double batch so I could take them over the road to my kind neighbours -Bunzi,Rai,Piara and Toto .I know , a bloody miracle , I got to know their names .

So about an hour ago I took my oozing ( too much syrup or butter ?) flapjacks over to their house . Bunzi was thrilled and she invited me in …and then gave me a home made Madeira cake, some Gujarati mix, a huge bag of chilli and lemon wedges and a bowl of fuli-gathiya.

Now where did I put that fatted calf ?

Hands up get low

So far , this weekend’s been all about Twerking and Grinding .

Last night we went to see Inbetweeners II – which was very similar to Inbetweeners I , except in a different continent ( funnily enough the best scene was when Neil was incontinent )

Then today we took ourselves off to The Notting Hill Carnival – AMAZING .
Never been before and neither of us are too good in crowds , which is not a claustrophobic thing ,but feeling a bit sad and vulnerable thing and in my case a ‘ seeing Rosie’ thing . It may sound crazy ,but I see her dancing ,eating ,drinking ,throwing her head back and laughing . Then I freeze , get a bit hot and bothered and just don’t know what to do . So we went early , left early and took ourselves off to The Isis.

What a poet

I just heard Bob Dylan singing this
Quite blew me away

“Forever Young”

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

Nim

On Tuesday evening I had supper with Nim .

I can honestly say I think of her everyday .

When my pain is really bad ,I think of her .When I have John, Jacob and Florence with me I think of her .When I wake up and I don’t want to get out of bed I think of her .When I hear John Denver’s ‘Follow me ‘, I think of her .When I eat Thai food I think of her .When the tide is way out I think of her .

Grandma ,Florence ,and I first met Nim around 8 years ago when we had lunch in her Thai restaurant in Crystal Palace . We loved it – the food ,the atmosphere,the disabled parking space directly outside ,the internal ramp , the way she helped Grandma take her coat off and the fact she always came and sat with us and chatted .Sadly, the restaurant was often quiet . We knew nothing about her personal life .

Roll on a year ,and just before we drove Grandma back to 106 to spend Christmas with us , we went to Nim’s for lunch – it was packed and we were happy for her .She found time to come and sit with us and explained the large group of civil servants were from her husband,John’s office .I asked her which one he was .Sadly she told me he had died 3 years previously .I asked if they had children , She told me they had three, Robert,David and Kate , but they had died with John on Boxing day 2004 .The Tsunami had swept them off a beach in Thailand .They were all together when the wave hit ,but tragically only Nim survived . Our whole family were devastated for her .We continued to go and eat there .We took friends ,friend’s parents ,Richard and Lise and their family ,Grandmas’ friends etc.We so wanted that restaurant to work for her .When we sat with her we would talk about her children ,her husband, her Dad in Thailand, her music ,her accountancy exams etc .She gave me the most beautiful book , full of photos and memories and poems ,celebrating the life of John ,Robert,David and Kate .I keep it safe and treasure it dearly

Then Rosie died and I wrote to Nim. She wrote back

Then Grandma died and so I no longer went over that way .

But this Tuesday I did and it was wonderful .We hugged so hard we couldn’t let go of each other . her pain and loss is just too big and too hard ,yet she goes on in a positive and inventive way .She is kind and gentle and caring and to me , truly inspirational .I promised to take John, jacob and Florence back later in the year .

These are final words that Nim wrote to her children and are printed in the book

”Robert,David & Kate …when you were born into this world,mummy’s life was filled with joy and hope.You had given mummy such strength to bring you up and to be the happiest children and you were…even at the last moment of your lives .I am so proud that you three beautiful children were thoughtful,righteous,intelligent,polite and kind like your daddy. Mummy’s heart is breaking to learn that you are no longer with me .I know that daddy will take good care of you .I wish I had my life time with you…to see you live and grow….not the other way around .We shall meet again….one day…somewhere….somehow.May you all have a sweet dream….may your innocent souls be blessed and rest in peace…and may my angels stay forever young …..”

A great day at the seaside

By 9.25 this morning we were on West Wittering Beach .

By 10 ,John had fired up the barbecue and was cooking up sausages and fried onions for our butties .

By 11,30 we were reading the papers ( did you read the interesting article about Walberswick and Rennie Mackintosh ?)

and by 12.30 we were immersed in The Umbando religion .

let me explain …a large group of Portuguese speaking people gathered next to us on the beach . They put up their gazebo and produced the most amazing array of food and drink ( not that I was watching ) .

Then after eating they drew a huge circle in the sand ,placed pebbles all round the circle ,placed their big drums in the centre and started playing them .Then then took a huge white board and started sewing blue fabric onto it and embroidering it and sewing flowers into the embroidery .It was lovely -I was fascinated .

I got speaking to some of the children , who introduced me to the Priest ( in beach gear ) . He told me that they were Brazilian and followers of Umbanda .I’d never heard of it .So he explained that they were making a gift that they would offer to their (13 ?) spirits later in the day .He told me a lot more stuff ,but I cannot remember it .

We said good-bye and went for a walk around the headland

Roll on a few hours and we are back on the field ,tucked in behind Emerald ,setting up for our second barbecue of the day and we hear it – the drums and now the chanting ,and the praying and the kissing of the floral surf-board shaped offering .While the children continue to kick a football around , the adult Umbandos are dressed in long white cotton dresses are are back in their circle in preparation of their offering . It was quite surreal and a dam good way to kick -back ,wave hello and enjoy a couple of dam good minty lamb cutlets and a corn on the cob .

The ring theory of kvetching

This is written by Oliver Burkeman .One of the best things I’ve read in years .
”Bad things have been happening to humans for about 200,000 years, yet we’re apparently as useless as ever at knowing the correct, sympathetic thing to say when they do. One indicator of how tongue-tied we feel is the popularity of the listicles that pop up weekly: “10 things not to say to someone with cancer“; “10 things to never, ever say to a person with depression“; “18 things you shouldn’t say to someone with a massive zit“. Even the professional purveyors of consolation are frequently rubbish. “To suffer a loss like yours means letting go of a beautiful part of your life,” reads one Hallmark sympathy card, as if the recipient might not have realised. I bow to nobody in my disdain for positive thinking, but when a relative had a health scare, the urge to say, “Look on the bright side” proved overpowering. And the other day, over beers with a friend who was separating from her partner, I stopped myself just before “empathetically” mentioning my email backlog. I’m a terrible person. But also, I suspect, a fairly typical one.

Nobody could memorise all those lists of what-not-to-say, but fortunately there’s a simple principle to rely on instead. It’s “the ring theory of kvetching”, so named by the psychologist Susan Silk, writing in the LA Times last year, drawing on her experiences of breast cancer. (When Silk declined one colleague’s visit, pleading exhaustion, she was told, “This isn’t just about you.”) Imagine a series of concentric circles. The person in crisis is at the centre. Her closest friends and family are one ring out; lesser acquaintances in the next ring, and so on. The central person “can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens”. For everyone else, the rule is: “Comfort in, dump out.” They can moan, but only to people farther from the centre. “If you want to scream or cry, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are, [or] how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that’s fine. It’s a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.”

Like all the best life-rules, this one seems obvious, yet it’s quite subtle. It accepts that we often feel put-upon by other people’s woes, and affirms our right to vent – just so long as we choose the right listener. And it reveals the common thread linking all those unhelpful comments: “I know how you feel”, “God wouldn’t have let it happen if you couldn’t cope”, etcetera. Deep down, they are motivated not by an urge to comfort the sufferer, but the selfish desire to make matters less awkward for the consoler: to turn the embarrassment of pain into something more manageable.

In her powerful recent memoir The Great Below, Maddy Paxman writes about mourning the death, at age 50, of her husband, the poet Michael Donaghy, and of others’ stumbling efforts to help. One well-wisher tried to find common ground by mentioning the death of a cat. What the ex-cat owner didn’t grasp is that it’s not your job, in such contexts, to try to make things less awful. To use the language of therapy, it’s to help “hold the space” in which feeling awful is OK. And if you genuinely feel awful about your cat, and want to talk about it‚ sure. Just perhaps not right this minute.”

It’s not on for much longer

I’m keeping busy .School holidays are good ,but there is a lot of time to fill when you are a person who can’t let their head be empty . I still get up at 6.30 and from then on it’s go,go,go .Stop,stop,stop just doesn’t seem to suit me .

I reckon this has been art week . The folky stuff ,followed by the garden stuff ,followed by the portraits .

Let me explain ….On Tuesday ,Dec and I got the wonderful single gauge Romney,Hythe and Dymchurch Railway to Dungeness and walked along the windswept paths to Derek Jarman’s ( house and ) garden . Dungeness is a weird place – a huge beach ,where swimming is banned due to the strong undercurrents, a nuclear power station ,a few artists studios ,a lighthouse ,a wonderful railway and Kites . A great day out.

Then today I have been up to Bermondsey to get a picture framed .The last time I went to Bermondsey was in 2003 ,when Rosie ,Izzy P. and I went to the newly opened Fashion and Textile Museum .Blimey the area has changed-it’s all galleries and be-spoke furniture designers and artisan coffee shops .I had my frappawappapadthaiflatwhite in a Thai cafe called ‘Fuckoffee’, sorted my picture , walked over the beautiful Millennium Bridge to St Paul’s and hopped on the No.15 Routemaster bus ( sitting top deck, backseat – a mini trip down memory lane ) to Trafalgar Square . After admiring Charlotte Higgins Big Blue Cock , I went into the NPG to see our friend, John Murphy Woolford’s self-portrait in the BP Portrait Award 2014 exhibition . There wasn’t a naff entry between them .

What can I do for her – I’ll get a few tips off ‘Bake-Off’ ?

People are very kind .

Last night , we were taken out to dinner at an Italian restaurant to celebrate my friend Jane’s Birthday .It wasn’t a birthday with an 0 on the end ,but a bingo-caller’s dream number birthday .We had a fab night .Thank-you Jane and Roy.

Then today I went to see the Folk Art exhibition at the Tate Britain . It is so bloody hard getting there .No,not the walk from Pimlico Station , but the walk past Chelsea College of Art – it breaks my heart all over again .I can see Rosie there – all happy and carefree .I stare at the few students who are in that lovely courtyard ,they must think I’m mad. It sends me into a very dark place .

So I’m at home, my shoulders are down ,I can’t settle to anything ,and then there’s a knock on the door , it is our lovely neighbour .I’m embarrassed to say I don’t know her name ,but she is quite elderly ,her parents are from India ,but she was brought up in Kenya and she is a Sikh and everyday she posts an Evening Standard through our door and once a week she makes us a Madeira cake . So on hols I buy her some Welsh Cakes ( I know ,big deal ) , but John eats them so ,yesterday I baked her a batch of sultana scones, whipped up some cream , bought some posh strawberry conserve and took them over to her. Anyway, back to my visitor ..tonight ,she hands me a carrier bag , gives me a hug and scurries off . I’m just looked, the bag contains 3 tubs, 1 pilau rice,1 keema lamb with peas and 1 black lentil dhal. All freshly made

My shoulders have gone back up – without knowing it ,she has quite made my day

Runnymede

I’m memorialed out .

This morning John and I were up with the lark and off in search of water – not in a divining sort of way ,but in a beautiful vista sort of way .So we packed a flask ,a picnic , threw in the chairs and table( camping variety not the ones from the breakfast room ) , hopped into Emerald ,stopped for the paper and headed west to Runnymede . We parked up by our favourite little beachy-spot ,right on the river , got out and walked The Runnymede Loop .

First stop was The Kennedy Memorial ,second stop, The Magna Carta Memorial and then a climb up the hill to The Commonwealth Airforces Memorial . All are absolutely beautiful ,but TCAM is amazing – so beautiful and serene with the most amazing view at the very top .You can see over The Thames, The Wraysbury Reservoirs ,Heathrow Airport etc .We then came back down ,crossed the water-meadows to the river ,flopped down and gauped at all the big cruisers going past.

I think the words carved into the Portland Stone say it all

”Their name liveth for evermore ”

you can make a dedication too

Today I met a friend up at The Tower of London .We went to see the on-going installation ‘Bloodswept Lands and Seas of Red ‘ by the ceramic artist Paul Cummins .I thought it was beautiful .As we lent against the railings looking down on the sea of volunteers hammering in the stakes and attaching the poppies ,my friend’s golfing umbrella ( which she uses as a stand-in walking stick ,having just had major knee surgery ) ,fell through the railings ,nearly impaling one of the volunteers to the grassed moat and almost making the whole thing a little more authentic .

I have bought a Poppy each for Jacob,Rosie and Florence

We stayed in Parrog and then Oxwich Bay

Today I missed ..being with John , being in Emerald, and felt sad being away from Jacob and Florence , and of course ,Rosie ( that is beyond sad – but you already know that ) .

So I met a dear friend for coffee and then took myself off to The Isis . I cleaned Rosie’s plaque ,and then lay down on my back ,with my head resting right next to it and took a selfie..then another selfie and then another .It’s not easy with the sun beaming right into your face ,holding your arms upwards and then clicking ,all the while not being able to see a dam thing and being watched by five Japanese tourists .But I didn’t care .I love Rosie ,and the rest of my family so much , I don’t care what i look like or ,in situations like that , what people think. I even made myself laugh .

Our holiday was fabulous .I think that is the longest John and I have been away together since Jacob was born .Neither of us are very good at doing nothing ,so we did loads in the most beautiful surroundings . We walked ( and walked and walked ) over cliffs, we played boules , swam ( me ) , cycled ( John ) , , we saw snakes – except mine was a slow-worm and John’s an Adder , we barbecued every night ,we had sundowners watching the sun go down over the sea , we played scrabble , we put the awning up in a force ten gale , we played draughts , we did the the crossword ( or part of it ) everyday and we read . Emerald started at the turn of a key and apart from the fact the alarm went off every time we opened the driver’s door , I don’t thnk we pissed the other campers off to much.

Newport ,Pembrokeshire,here we come

Two dear friends came for cream tea yesterday .We sat in the shade of the garden and talked and talked and talked .One of them is not too well and has a gruelling summer ahead of her – 5 weeks of daily chemo and radio therapy .Two years ago ,her partner went through the same treatment. That must be so tough ,both physically and emotionally .

We got on to the age-old question …’why?’ …She is extremely fit ,healthy ,happy , hard-working, doesn’t smoke ,drink too much etc .All I could do was reel out Sheenagh’s wise answer ( and my mantra ) that there is NO logic in this world . Some people sail through life while others have to swim a bit harder and others have to fight to keep their heads above water. Then we got onto the science of it all .I apologise if this sounds muddled ,but I feel ,whatever sort of brain we have ,be it artistic or mathematical ,we try to make sense of stuff . This happened because of this ..or this is a result of this .All through our education we are taught to seek answers, problem-solve ,find the formula .But for this kind of s**t ,there is no formula .It is random , tough ,but random .Which is very scary .

On that happy note ,I’m going to load up Emerald and head for the hills.

Back to earth in a Welsh camp-site tomorrow

Thank you to Sukhtej and Karanjeet for hosting the most amazing party last night to celebrate the wedding of their son Jasveer to the beautiful Jasleen .

I have never been to a party quite like it …everything was magical and completely over the top – in a vibrant ,lovely way .The guests clothes, the hall decorations , the stage complete with love-nest …the cushioned area on the floor where the women lounged and had their hands Mehndi painted ,while the older women sang and prayed….the sparkling lights…the gifts for the female guests ..the food – complete with dosai made to order , a tandoor oven to cook fresh bread, 8 different main dishes, rice,noodles, salad and sweets .After the food the music cranked up and the dancing began – everyone was up .The atmosphere was electric. .By the end everyone was doing the conga, in and out of the building , finishing with the Indian equivalent of The Hokey Cokey with the bridal couple in the middle and all of us charging at them .

Unforgettable.

Bob

In the words of James Bowen ”Where in the world is Bob?”

Well from 15.30 tomorrow he will not be ……..in The Head-teacher’s office of North Ealing School , or leading the running club or playing his guitar and singing to 600 little people, or putting up gazebos or sorting school-related stuff out or teaching ..the list just goes on and on .

John and I are not only privileged to have Bob as a dear ,generous,kind, loyal,funny , practical,lovely friend ,but also to be invited to his final ,retirement, whole-school assembly .He didn’t know Claire,his wife, George,his youngest son ,Joan ,another friend and John and I were going .So when he saw us lot in the playground ,it was quite a moment .Bob was stunned we were all there .He was in tears ,we were in tears ..and then it was his final-whole school- 600 children singing- Bob playing the guitar and singing -staff making speeches-photos- a rap song -thank-you’s- a cake -the presentation of a signed Chelsea shirt ,footage of stuff Bob is passionate about-Drogma’s winning penalty kick,Bradley Wiggins winning The Tour de France and everybody singing Bob’s favourite song ‘Blowing in the Wind’.It was wonderful ,a real tribute to him.

Bob deserves every bit of praise ,warmth and love bestowed on him today and if he was just an eighth of a Head-teacher as he is friend to us ,North Ealing must have been very fortunate to have had him in charge for the last nine years .

67 was always a happy number ,as it was where The Morrells lived

Lovely photos Bert – thank you
Rosie and I just before her guests arrived for her family 18th Birthday tea
Roise and John just before we left for Richard Clarke’s 50th ( I think )
Rosie and Izzy P in NYC (?)
But 67 months is still too long, and always too sad and without a doubt ,wrong and cruel .
And if the truth be known ,I still feel a bit of me is in shock .
Thanks again to the people who walk with us …and prop us up from time to time .It isn’t easy .

There were 14 of us ,when there is normally 8.

How wrong was I ?

Yesterday was scorching – so much so we had to cart the table to the end of the garden ,so we could all sit ( virtually in the bushes ) in the shade …bliss .We even planned a camper van weekend away – even though John and I are the only ones with an Emerald ( or similar ).

Then Soupy today was calm .
There were loads of us on the team which meant I could do what i like doing best ,sit and talk to the guests .Their stories ,loneliness and addictions break your heart .Many are not really bothered about the food ,just want some company . So at the end I talked in length to James . He spends his days walking .From Ealing Soup Kitchen ,he walks to the river and onto Putney .He then crosses The Thames and walks back to another late night Soup kitchen in Richmond .He gets home around midnight . A couple of months ago ,I told him about Marc .Today ,he told me ,every-time he walks by the river in Putney , he says a prayer for Marc .Sometimes the grace and thoughtfulness of others ,sweeps me right off my feet.

It’s not the same inside

The weather this week has been amazing .
Sports day ended in a huge water and jelly fight .
Bjorn Again in Kew Gardens were a over-the-top-alcohol-fuelled-dancy cheesefest (I suffered the next day ) and today ,when ,unusually for us ,we have 4 friends for a BBQ ( lamb a la Declan & Neal ) ,Heathrow have cancelled flights due to the imminent storms and lightening – at least we won’t be drowned out by the bloody great airbuses taking off !

Don’t be fooled

In the days after Rosie died , I sometimes used to find myself alone in the front room ,just sitting staring at the images on the television screen .It was all a bit of a blur , I wasn’t watching anything in particular .But the only thing I remember was seeing a Father picking up his dead 8 year old, son -who had just been murdered in the Gaza Strip , and even though I was in a terrible state ,I wept for him ,his son ,for me and for Rosie – we were all the same .

And now those atrocities are happening again and seeing them jettisons me right back to December 2008 and I feel the pain for them and us ,just as much as I did then .It doesn’t go away ,it doesn’t get better .I have just learned to live with it inside me.

Alphabetical ,not the order they came in

On Sunday ,around 11.15,standing alone ( yet surrounded by hundreds of others ) , I was so proud when Florence ,John,Katie ,Molly and Simon rode in .They had cycled 200km overnight from Hackney to Dunwich ,in all weathers including rain and thunder and lightening storms ..and they still had smiles on their faces .What an amazing feat .It was brilliant, they were brilliant , the atmosphere was brilliant .Molly had only borrowed her friend’s bike the previous day and a few of them had only cycled a maximum of 50K before ! Then after bagels,juice and muffins , they went in the sea , all except the oldest member of the group ,who sat with me on the beach .I could feel an incy bit vindicated as I had swum in the sea at 6.30 that morning .

As they were cycling through one village , a guy drove past them, slowed down , wound down his window and asked them ”Are you that Tour de France thing ?” !

Anyone fancy joining them next year ?

It is on the nearest Saturday in July to full moon

In our house we are all geeting geared up for tomorrow night’s Dunwich Dynamo.

the lycra’s been dusted off ,the padded pants dug out of the cupboard ( their second use is an anti-static duster ) , the flapjack made , the Red Bulls are a chillin in the fridge in the fridge ., the route researched .

To be honest ,I’m a bit worried about that last wiggly bit from Saxmundham – but it should be Ok if I keep in second gear , keep my eyes open for wild boar and turn radio 4 up loud ( did i mention I am going in the car )

take a peek and wish them luck

http://www.londonschoolofcycling.co.uk/content.php?id=18

Maybe he put the red ones on by mistake

Poor old Holland .

I so wanted them to win .I’d checked with Jacob – he was wearing his lucky orange pants .He was in a bar .He was watching .And then it all went tits up .

I am not going to pretend I know anything about football ,but ever since this World Cup began ,one thing has been on my mind – this time 8 years ago.

Rosie was in Cescenatico,Italy ,with Laura ( and Issy P and Danielle? ) .We spoke after the semi-finals , she said the atmosphere was electric ..and then Italy won and it was party central .Everyone was up all night ,there was dancing in the streets .She came home glowing .She was so happy . Upstairs is that little diary they kept – I cannot bring myself to read it , Rosie’s writing is still harder to face than photos .Not even the experts tell you that .

No sightings of Joannie ( Collins)

We felt a bit cheated as while we were whizzing round the beautiful hilltop villages of Southern France , Vincenzo Nibali and his mates were pedaling up and down the seven hills of Sheffield .So in homage ,on our return from Nice ,John and I went out to the best pizza place in London ( so says the Ealing Gazette ) and cycled home through Walpole Park .Ok ,so it’s not Alpe -d’Huez , but there is one bit I had to change gear and swerve – otherwise God knows what would have happened to Granny on her mobility scooter .Dangerous stuff this cycling.

We were lucky enough to stay in a house on a hill overlooking the Bay of Gigaro, with nothing but garden and a plunge pool between us and a 180 degree view of the sea -the vista was breath-taking .The house had steps down to a little beach -where the whitest,blobbyist male sunbather chose to lie in the position of Leonardo da Vinci’s ‘Vitruvian Man‘-he must have a lot on his mind as he’d even forgotten to put his trunks on .Not quite such a good view ,but perfect for my surreptitious life-drawing class .

Everything about the time we spent there was beautiful- the food ,the drink ,the early morning walks ,the swimming,the relaxing ,the crosswords ,the scrabble ,the aperitifs ,the sundowners.

It is at times like these ,I feel very blessed.

leaving on a jet plane

As Florence has leaves us on an over-night Megabus ( and she didn’t even get a window seat ,but did have plenty of Scoobysnacks ) to Glasgow , John and I jet off to the South of France ( straight from work ) to St Tropez, for the ‘Gigaro Scrabble Tournament ‘. Dictionary is packed and secret word-finder app hidden in secret turn-up in khaki shorts.

More stuff about people

The stories of two people jumped out the paper at me today .

The first Corinne Hutton of Renfrewshire ,made me think of Rosie . Then weep with joy for Corinne and then weep in pain for Rosie. .

The second ,Paul Lamb ,made me think of Jane .I was very cross at The Supreme Court ruling

My lost boy

Last night I was catching up all my last weekends newspaper reading when i was stopped in my tracks by one article ‘our last adventure ‘. As soon as I started reading it ,I knew I’d read it before and the outcome wasn’t good .There have been a few journalists who have written poignantly about the death of their child and Thomas Harding is one of them .

In July 2012 ,Thomas ,his 14year old son ,Kadian ,and some friends were cycling in the Wiltshire countryside .They got a bit lost ,Kadian cycled ahead ,took the wrong turn, cycled down a very steep track ,both his front and back brakes failed ( even though he’d picked up his bike from a service ,earlier that day ) and he careered into the path of a van – unbeknown to any of them the track led onto the A4. He died instantly .It is just tragic,sad,awful .In a nano-second I felt that father’s pain .

Thomas ,then had to phone his wife, Kadian’s Mother,Deb, who was in America ,ironically working for a bicycle company.Then I get to this paragraph .It is a day later and Thomas is meeting Deb and her friend Dom ,who has travelled with her .

”At the airport I sit in the middle of a row of moulded black plastic chairs.Then the large double doors swing open and there is Deb,with Dom.Our eyes meet,her lips wobble, all the strength I have flows out of my legs .I can’t move .Her being here makes it real.She is still on the other side of the arrivals barrier,then we are holding each other.

”I can’t believe it” she is saying

”I’m so glad you are here ” I say

”What are we going to do ?” she asks

”What are we going to do ?” I say

”Is he really gone?” she asks

”I can’t believe it” I say ”

And this took me right back .For a second I was in a moment on one of the days following Rosie’s death .I saw myself at the front door, the house was full ,the garden was full – there was soup ,flowers ,bread ,people ,tea,coffee,wine ,tears,laughter,chat,photos , and don’t get me wrong ,but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way -having all those people here was a testament to Rosie .But ,I was at the front door ,and for once I opened it ,it was a dear friend .I fell into her arms and said ”What are we going to do ,what are we going to do ?”

and she just held me and said ”I don’t know”.

and then she let go off me and I slid down the wall .

The pain was just too big .

Go if you can

In the words of Craig Reville-Hall…fab u lous .
Thanks to all who came last night , it was lovely

We are going tonight

Florence’s degree show comes to London
You can see it at the fabulous Rochelle School in Arnold Circus, Shoreditch

Full opening times as follows:

Thurs 26th June: Opening Night Event 6pm – 9:30pm
Fri 27th: 10am – 9:30pm
Sat 28th: 10am – 5pm

See you there

Fargo

I’ve just finished watching the brilliant Fargo .But ,there’s one bit , in tonight’s episode ,I cannot work out and I think it is reference to the initial dialogue between Gus and Malvo in episode one.

It is when Gus says to Malvo ” I figured it out, ‘shades of green’ .”

Can anyone explain ?

Wish I was back in Glasgow

It was impossible to keep the tears in ,with the ‘F word ‘ keep being mentioned !

By that I mean ‘Fire’.

Everyone who made a speech- The Profs, Muriel Gray ,who is Chair of The Board of Governors ,The Director ,The Principal ,The President of the Students Association, all mentioned it .It wasn’t maudlin ,but positive and spirited and what came across was the immense pride and love of Glasgow School of Art, especially the battered Mackintosh Building ,which had taken such a hammering just a month before .Plus the overwhelming love and the hope and the pride in ALL the students .It was a joy to be part of it

So the tears flowed all around .

Friday was an amazing day-truly memorable . We met for coffee and cake ,Florence picked up the gown ( they had plenty spare- i got the feeling art students are notorious for not ordering one in advance ) and then John and I took our seats in Bute Hall ,in the magnificent University of Glasgow which was designed by Sir Gilbert Scott -a fact picked up on our open-topped bus tour .The building is like a cross between The Natural History Museum and Hogwarts – all cloisters and courtyards and pillars grand staircases .Then there were the speeches and the awards and my little girl went up .It was wonderful .We were so so proud .Then it was out into the beautiful grassed quadrangle for Bucks Fizz ,strawberry tarts and photos. There was even a bagpiper piping- more tears .

Then it got even grander .Jacob chugged in on the train ,Simon walked across the park and the 5 of us had pre-drinks in …..Emerald .Who needs swanky when you’ve got plastic cups, Cava and a bag of Kettle Crisps ? Then it was out for scallops,crab,,squid,haddock and chips .

On Saturday ,Emerald did us proud .Her boot opened for the first time in 3 days and she lasted the 413 miles home .

Florence’s Day

Wouldn’t normally blog while I’m away,but it’s Florence’s Graduation today ,and although we don’t know the time, the gowns not been booked, i have emotional butterflies(plus no laptop,smart/i/anything that does stuff ,phone…)so taken the opportunity and logged onto the guest house’s PC for 5 miniutes.
If Glasgow is wonderful, the Scottish Highlands,Islands,Lochs ,coast and forests are even wonderfuller (?).We are sunburnt, midge-bitten and my hips ache from going up all those hills.We walked every day and barbecued every night .Like the rest of the happy campers we were tucked in by 11pm. Emerald did us proud- The alarm only went off 8 times and the back door jammed twice ( still is ).
But it’s about today …Jacob is joining us and Rosie is watching us ..so with that in my head ,I’m hoping the butterflies calm down for a bit and I can keep the tears in .

Just off to buy The Buckfast for tonight’s feast

Emerald fell at the first fence
We were up at 5 ,left at 6 and were sitting on the hard shoulder of the M40 at 7.22 ,waiting for the RAC man, as we’d had a blow out !
He came ,did his stuff and directed us to Banbury’s version of Quikfit ,which we have renamed Slowfit .
Four hours into our journey and our heads were down ,then came the phonecall- It was Florence .She had just found out she had got A First .Our heads were up ,there were tears .We are very very proud of her -she has worked so hard and her stuff is so beautiful .
By 2.30 yesterday the troops had arrived, the corks had popped and we were off for late lunch and then to see the most wonderful degree show .Then it was iced Margaritas all round and the after show party – which John and I did not go to .
Today we’ve done the Glasgow open topped bus tour ,on the recommendation of Ann and Ian – sublime ,we all loved it .

We even have a new awning ( to keep off the sun ?)

The Lean Green Mean Dream Machine ,or Emerald ,as we shall call her from now on ,is making her inaugural journey to Scotland tomorrow.

We are excited about going to Florence’s Final Exhibition and then ,a week later , her Graduation. I am lucky enough to have a lovely boss,who has let me work some extra days allowing me to take next week off .So between the Glasgow bits ,we are hitting the west coast of Scotland. What we are saving in hotel bills we are spending on food and drink – macaroni cheese pies and Ironbrew- gallons of the stuff .

I am so very very very looking forward to seeing Florence and with have added delights of Izzy and Stu ,closely followed by Jacob , jetting in ,to join in the celebrations ( don’t think we’ll all fit in Emerald though )

3 senses covered today

Seen , heard and smelled good stuff .

Yesterday we went to the new Southwark Playhouse in Elephant and Castle and saw the brilliant ‘In the Heights’.It was a really young ,energetic,dancy cast .The audience seemed to be made up of loads of students from drama and dance schools.They knew all the words ,all the salsa, hippy hoppy Latino moves and as it was the final performance ,at the end ,went mad, in a lovely warm,happy sort of way .We came home buzzing.

This morning I heard Claire Balding interviewing Randy Lewis. Randy Lewis ( I had never heard of him before ) is a businessman who was inspired by his son Austin ,who is on The Autistic Spectrum, to create a workplace where people with disabilities do not just succeed, but thrive. He has written a book “No Greatness Without Goodness” which tells the story of his campaign and how started the initiative, not just in the American Walgreen Stores, but worldwide with companies such as Marks & Spencer and Boots .I think he aimed for the workforce to be made up of people with special needs , both physical and mental.

He was truly inspirational .

I lied about the third one – all I did was clean out and refill the Portipotti ( with chemicals not the obvious )

“Capturing the nation in conversation to build a unique picture of our lives today and preserve it for future generations. “

Back to yesterday and the recording thing …..

During the week of ‘We Cluster and We stick ” ,I was contacted and subsequently interviewed by the lovely Radio London journalist ,Louise Pepper .The interview went out on the Eddie Nestor Drivetime Show .

Roll on four and a half years ,and out of the blue, and I open an email from Louise asking if i would like to be part of ‘The Listening Project’.

She explained TLP is a collaboration between Radio 4 and The British Library which involves people up and down the country ,coming into the recording studio and sharing an intimate conversation with a friend or relative, to help to build a unique picture of our lives today. Living history perhaps ?

Some of these conversations will be broadcast across BBC radio and all will be archived by the British Library , preserving them for future generations.I see the British Library part of it as a sort of Time Capsule .In years to come people might listen to them to research language used in the two thousand and tens -who knows .

So yesterday we went up to The Radio 2 Studios in the very impressive Broadcasting House , had coffee , went to the loo ( about 8 times ) and then settled down in the studio with Louise . Vanessa Feltz was in the next studio and the whole massive television news team and studios were across the corridor . I was a bit wobbly .The microphones were turned on , the conversation started and then went on and on and on .My friend and I were very relaxed ,we laughed, I cried , we talked ,we got muddled and said stuff we might never have said had we not been there .I really enjoyed it .Louise took notes and asterixed a few bits .She said she could barely breath ,let alone let herself laugh out loud , when we were talking about keeping a diary and I said something like- ” I write every day in my Dairy Diary , ever since my milkman gave me one fifteen years ago ,I’ve never wanted anything different ” !

Louise then gave us a guided tour of the building – including the newsroom- amazing .

I felt like Will Humphries ,the work experience guy in W1A

Marc and Rosie

YesterdayI was given a card ,it was from Merci ,and it was the card the family gave out at Marc’s funeral .It was very simple and very beautiful – Marc’s smiling youthful face in front of a rich rainbow .I have put it in a special place , because like other friend’s children who have died ,I have deep feelings of love and protection towards them .Irrational,stupid ,I don’t know ? I just know I feel it .Marc loved football and one of his closest friends is going to the World Cup .He is going to leave his card in the stadium .I think that is lovely .

Then this morning ,listening to a programme about Maya Angelou ,I heard this quote of hers ‘Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud’ and I thought ..that is for Marc . Her next quote was ‘I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels.Life’s a bitch .You’ve got to go out and kick ass’ …and that is for Rosie.

My candle is lit for Jane today-13 long years

Dorothy told us all about the paintings,the art ,the lampshades,the garden,the studio, the food ,the children ,the war etc …but failed to mention ,the incest ,the sexual abuse ,the affairs ,the depression and the suicides .Charleston is a beautiful house on the South Downs ,go if you can ,especially if you like the art of The Bloomsbury Set .If Dorothy is your guide ask her a few probing questions.

On Wednesday night ,myself and 2 friends stayed in a lovely hotel in Lewes. Ours was a huge room ,with an even bigger bathroom . I’ve never really understood the attraction of the big space with a huge roll-top bath in the middle of it .But on Wednesday night I did. My friend’s snoring was so bad ,it left me no choice ,but to move my bedding in there and sleep on the floor or rein-act an episode from the life of Vanessa Bell .Luckily for her so I plumbed for option one and woke up feeling surprisingly refreshed !

I’m missing ‘Gogglebox’ already – last Friday’s one was genius esp ‘The Full Monty dole-queue scene ‘ .Even John and I were doing the moves .

I’ve never got 50 extra points for a 7 letter word

Although my love and sadness (which is found to be associated with increases in bilateral activity within the vicinity of the middle and posterior temporal cortex, lateral cerebellum, cerebellar vermis, midbrain, putamen, and caudate.) never dwindle , my grief alters .I have talked of my pain being almost scientific – it is relative to the immense love I have for Rosie .But my grief is not – it is organic .It changes, it moves, it is unpredictable BUT it is always there .I continue to protect ‘my gash’, nurse my broken heart – for it is unfixable – and work hard at making mine a fulfilled,happy, safe ,good-hearted ,kind of a life.

So it really pisses me off ( not sounding so good-hearted now !) when people tell me how I feel ,what I like doing ,what I don’t like doing , who am comfortable being with etc .Someone said to me recently ‘we had a gathering of local friends ,but I didn’t invite you as I know you don’t like big groups’…Give me the dam choice .I love gatherings, parties, games,picnics,walks, dinner-parties ,I love people …but maybe not at that moment ,but maybe I will in a day/week/month/year/decade .I don’t know how I’ll feel ,so I don’t know how anyone else does . I firmly believe in choice .I spend half my working day ,employing strategies to give my students opportunities to choose , so why can’t people do it with us ?

Rant over, and maybe two examples of how things have changed

Yesterday was the first time in 5 years+5 months and 6 days ,I felt strong enough to step into Waitrose on a Tuesday after 5pm .It was only because I wanted to pick up a lipstick I’d ordered online ! I said Rosie’s name out loud and told her how shallow I was and apologised for not being able to walk anywhere near the cheese counter.

Today ,two friends are taking me away to Lewes for the night .Hopefully we are going to look around Charleston ,the home of Duncan Grant and Vanessa Bell and walk over The Seven Sisters ( cliffs not siblings ) .I know ,they know, at times I need peace ,to opt out ,to take Rosie into my head whereas at other times I’ll be partying with the rest of them .Scrabble is packed.

.

‘Chase,the Celtic body is top heavy,but how would it be affected in space ?

Our weekend in Amsterdam was fabulous .

I have said before I only really feel safe , secure and truly truly deep-down happy when the four of us are together .But this is a crucial time of year for Florence , so she stayed working in Glasgow and I could cope with that knowing we will all hook-up in June in Scotland for Florence’s Final degree Show. But saying that, there is absolutely no way I want J&F to stay close to home or tied to the apron -strings .I love the fact they have lived and continue to live in wonderful cities- Newcastle,Istanbul, Glasgow,Amsterdam .I hope they carry on finding and living in lovely places .I find travel and exploring is so good for my soul.

We did so much in Amsterdam ,with the hi-light being seeing Jacob’s film ‘The Celtic Body’ ( twice ) I’m struggling to find the right words to describe it – so if I throw in ..Houston Space Station, Turtles, Coconut hair, Ear-wax,Volcanoes, Popocatepeti and spit …you should get a rough idea of what it is about !

On Sunday we took the bus out of the city to the island of Marken .Armed with only a bottle of water each , we walked around the whole perimeter of the island in the midday sun .I now feel Jacob should make a sequel to The Celtic Body ,titled ‘The Celtic Sunburned Faces or ‘How to survive in 4 hours of heat with no factor 50 ‘ ! It was beautiful , but by the end we were starving so threw ourselves onto the kibling and chips and cold drinks stalls and picnicked on the jetty .Then we all fell asleep on the boat ( resulting in even redder faces ) to Volendam .

Once on dry land ,we hooked up with Freya ,got another boat ,which should us led us to another boat ,but the 2nd boat wasn’t running ,so we walked and walked and walked and got a different boat and then walked and walked ,to the most amazing restaurant ,REM Eiland ,which is bright red and at the top of an oil-rig and can be seen for miles -but is near-dam impossible to get to ( all those dykes and canals !).This isn’t a braggy link ,just thought you might like to see it .http://www.remeiland.com/

It was fabulous ,especially the view. We got there at 8 and so were eating and drinking as dusk fell ,and so saw all the twinkly lights go on over Amsterdam .

Then it was back into town for a second night of Contract whist.Feel free to ask who won .

GSA

As we landed in Amsterdam on Friday ,we had a text from Florence telling us of the devastating fire raging through Glasgow School of Art .Florence had just been evacuated from the new GSA building opposite and could see the flames coming from the roof of The Mac .It must have been terrible – we can only imagine .Thank goodness no one was hurt .But how awful for the students’ whose final pieces were being completed and installed that very day , and for the other students and of course, for the people of Glasgow .That building is so special to all of them .When I have been round it , Florence and I took our photos at the desks on the top floor and then dancing around the statues .Rosie,Holly,Stu and I peered through the doors into The Library and then sat in The Lecture Theatre only to be told it is near dam impossible to get a place at GSA ..so we shot off to get haggis ,neaps and tatties .
It really is a beautiful , working ,iconic art school .

Gerbera- Rosie’s favourites

Last night I met with the lovely and caring ,Ms Anonymous .

She came to our house for tea and we looked at all of your and our artwork and the messages on the huge picture ( those messages are so moving – they continue to blow me away ) .

So Lucy ,I hope you don’t mind me revealing who you are .

Lucy is friends with Emma ,who is friends with Becca ,who is friends with Georgina…and that is the link .So although Lucy didn’t actually know Rosie ,she feels she does ,a bit ,now .

So please all ,encourage everyone to look at Rosie’s website ,not to read this old drivel, but to look at Rosie’s stuff and keep her alive in your heads .I love to hear people have clicked on .It is the cyberspace equivalent of saying of her name .Of course, continue to say it out loud, along with the other people you love and who are no longer physically with you .That is a good thing to do .

We are jetting off to Amsterdam today – can’t wait .

Stephen Sutton

Like you, I was very moved to hear of the untimely death of the 19 year old, Stephen Sutton .What a remarkable young man .Because he was dying and because he was 19 and because he was often in the papers ,I followed him. What he said ,how he was ,how his amazing fund-raising was going etc .Then last Wednesday he died . His Mother said ” My heart is bursting with pride but breaking with pain for my courageous, selfless and inspirational son “. Such beautiful and loving words .

One of the items on Stephen’s Bucket List was to do some public speaking .In January he spoke to 4,000 people at the O2, these are some of the things he said ..I have read them ,re-read them ,typed them,laminated them,put them on my cupboard wall at work .I think they and him are truly inspirational .

Be as positive as possible.

‘what I’ve found is a positive attitude leads to positive outcomes .I am still here and smiling because of the support of others .

Do not feel sorry for yourself.

“I’ve learnt not to feel sorry for myself…so none of you should feel sorry for me as well”

Do not measure life in terms of time,measure it in what you actually achieve.

“I don’t see the point in measuring life in terms of time anymore .I would rather measure it in terms of making a difference…I am here to encourage you to have a similar outlook”.

Use your time as positively and productively as possible

” everyone is given 86,400 seconds at the beginning of the day to do whatever they want with it And at the end of the day you are not given that time back….so that’s why I think it is important to use the time we’ve got as positively and productively as possible.”

Help others in order to help yourself

“What I have found is that the best way to help yourself is to help others Sometimes it is better to give.”

Take nothing for granted.

“I see my first cancer diagnosis as a good thing….a huge kick in the backside,it taught me to take nothing for granted and gave me a motivation for life.

Unfortunately,my later diagnosis means…I am stuck in a position with loads of motivation but not very much time.”

Achieve something, make a Bucket List

“I made a bucket list of the 46 things I wanted to achieve in the near future ..some of those included ,skydiving, hosting a charity dinner party ‘Come Dine with Me’ and getting a tattoo.

Do not take things too seriously

Speaking of the tattoo he got :” Does anyone remember the troll doll with the funky hair? I’ve got one of those tattooed underneath my armpit with my hair doubling up as the troll’s hair .I thought it was pretty creative.But it’s about not taking things too seriously”

Enjoy life.Have a good time-life is for the living

“It’s a shame I’ve had to rely on tragedy to remind me to have a good time, to remind me to do something..it shouldn’t be like that; if we want to get out there and achieve stuff we should go do that…life is for the living .”

Make a difference !

” See people like – you guys have got all the time in the world to make a difference to yourselves, to make a difference to all this…what I can try and do is to give you a bit of my motivation..to go out there and achieve something,to go out there and help others , to go out there and enjoy life ,to make a difference.

And that’s it .”

I earned 50p a day at Thornton Florist and saved all my earnings to buy my next ticket

‘Pre ee ee pare ye the way of The Lord, Pre ee ee pare ye the way of The Lord”

I only had to hear those 7 words ( twice ) and I went all goosey .My heart starting beating faster ,my hands started sweating and then I saw him – and then ,just like 41 years ago ,I started to cry …..David Essex was on stage .Okay so I wouldn’t have recognised him if I passed him the street ,but as soon as he started talking ,I fell in love all over again …

Out of the blue ,last week , a girl I was at school with ,emailed me .She had 2 tickets for a charity version of Godspell on Monday 19th May at the Lyric Shaftesbury Avenue ,and there was only one person she wanted to go with .Sadly she wasn’t available ,so Delia contacted me . We met for pre-swoon drinkies in Waterstones Piccadilly ,( I never knew it had a bar on the fifth floor), and we talked about all our encounters with ‘Dave’ as Auntie Emmie used to call him- just to piss me off .Delia even remembered the last night him and Jeremy irons performed in the show ,15th September 1973.Of course we were there ,as were half the under 16 female population of South London .We were sobbing ,then just as they did their final encore ‘Day by day’ ,so were Dave and Jeremy.

We were so traumatised we didn’t go to The Wimpy Bar for the usual apres-Godspell, bender-burger ( no joke ) .Instead we went straight home and waited for the film ‘That’ll be the day ‘ to come out .

Thinking of you Jacob.

Forget Matisse and his scissors ,Martin Creed and his big balloons, Hockney and his Ipad .This is the one to see

Offspring 2014

May 21–June 1, 2014
Opening hours: daily 12am–6pm
Entrance: €5,-
Entrance+catalogue: €15,-

Opening: Tuesday, May 20th, 5-7pm

On Tuesday May 20, Offspring 2014 will open. The ninth edition of the show features work by ten talented young artists, who are completing their two-year working period at De Ateliers this summer.

Artists:
Cian-Yu Bai (Taiwan)
Jacob Dwyer (United Kingdom)
Paul Geelen (Netherlands)
Sarah-Jane Hoffmann (Germany)
Ruben Kragt (Netherlands)
Mila Lanfermeijer (Netherlands)
Charlotte Louen (Germany)
Ana Navas (Venezuela)
Mike Pratt (United Kingdom)
Taocheng Wang (China)

Curator: David Jablonowski, artist and tutor artist at De Ateliers.
The exhibition catalogue is designed by Mislav Žugaj, the texts are written by Maaike Lauwaert.

Location:
De Ateliers
Stadhouderskade 86
1073 AT Amsterdam
+31 (0)20 673 93 59
office@de-ateliers.nl

Still singing it now

‘Fings ain’t what they used to be’
That’s not my thought for the day ,but what we saw last night at The lovely Theatre Royal ,Stratford East .Absolutely bloody brilliant .See it if you can .

4 things- all very different

Firstly – Dear Anonymous ,your comment did NOT sound weird ,but lovely and caring and sensitive .I want everybody to look at Rosie’s website .It is not private ,but very public .I shout her name every day .Yesterday ,by 8.30 am ,I was up at The Isis ,shouting her name .Even one of The Serpentine Swimmers looked up – I don’t care . Funnily enough we stumbled across the memorial for the victims of The Bali Bombing on the way out of St James’s Park .It is beautiful ,a huge sphere with Picasso’s Doves etched onto it ,with the words “You were robbed of life .Your spirit enriches ours “. It was there I had my little weep

Secondly – Positive news ,my friend whose daughter died suddenly and then had to endure the wrath of the press ( particularly the Daily mail -scum ), and two inquests , has been given a weeks holiday through the fantastic Sand Rose project ,in Marazion ,Cornwall .Their family deserve a dam good holiday

Thirdly – Fantastic news .Last night ,Jacob and Uri ,won the the table-tennis cup , not loosing a game .Jacob texted as they awaited the presentation of the trophy.He was wearing his lucky shorts !

Fourthly -last night went seriously tits-up and now I’m convinced I’m on the slippery slope to the residential home . Yesterday, in between The Isis, Wickes, digging up weeds and talking to my frogs, I cooked . John requested spicy , so I did a Mexican fish stew and guacamole and taco sort-of a dish ,followed by a huge cherry and Amaretto trifle .At 7.30 , bar 106 was open .John had a beer ,I had my current drink of choice ,Campari and Grapefruit , we kicked back and waited for our guests …we waited …and waited ..had more drinks and waited some more .At 8.15 .I texted them -they were round the corner in the pub ,having dinner .They thought it was next week they were coming . This is worrying .

Fears

I have a huge fear .

I fear I will forget what Rosie’s voice sounds like .Although I hear her in my head ,and sayings she used pop-up ( especially when we are playing Contract Whist ) all the time ,I worry one day I won’t be able to remember what her voice was like .This really scares me.

Then ,out of the blue ,something came to me .

When I was around 14 ,my classmate and friend,Jane Saward ,died very suddenly .She wasn’t one of my closest friends .Jane was in the next sort-of group ( think SOC and Bench Crew) .Thinking back ,the likelihood was she died of Septicaemia . Jane and her family went skiing one Easter and Jane didn’t come back to school after the holidays as she’d had an accident and had a nasty gash on her leg .We were told the next day Jane had died- no-one asked why , we were numb . It was terrible, we were terrible ,howling ,wailing , sent home ,we went to her Synagogue ,we didn’t know what to do . Her funeral was the following day, then a memorial ,in Beckenham,I recall. Then we settled down . But we never ever ever forgot her .

Wind on , forty-two years and I can hear her .I hear her voice .I hear her laughing as I got chucked out the dormitory on The SS Naivasha (as we sailed down the coast of Portugal ) as Sarah Kelly and I hadn’t stopped talking ,singing and laughing for 3 nights .I hear her asking about my 8th trip to see David Essex in Godspell . I hear her in Domestic Science ,swearing as she dropped her egg on the floor .I hear giggling as we hid behind the goal ,trying to skive off during our hockey lesson ( it was foggy and Miss Johnson couldn’t see us from the other side of the field ) ..and that’s all good .Because if I can hear Jane Saward’s voice ,someone I had known for 3 just years , I will always be able to hear Rosie’s.

It breaks my heart to see someone having to endure such great pain

This morning I had coffee with my the Mother of Marc ,who went missing in February and was found lifeless in March . She is a lovely ,passionate , sad and communicative woman .I think she is still in shock – I’m not talking behind her back ,because five years plus,on, and I am definitely still in shock.We talked about that . She said some profound things and she made me think of my relationship with Rosie .I loved Rosie and she loved me ,and we both knew that .That last touch ,that last kiss ,that last hug was part of our physical relationship .Now I have a spiritual relationship with her .I talk to her ,I sing to her ,I write to her everyday before I go to bed . She is part of me .I so wish I could wave a magic wand or turn the clocks back ,but I can’t , so all I can do is keep talking ,singing ,writing ,so that her memory never ever fades.I cannot bear the thought of that

12.5.88

This time 26 years ago ,my little boy was 6 hours old .
Now he’s 26 years and 6 hours old and still as beautiful as he was then , the only difference is ,I love him more .

I speak to Rosie evryday

Blogs are odd things aren’t they ? I write one and I think they are odd. Where does the word ‘blog’ come from ? Who reads them ? Is it just a public form of self-indulgence? Why would anyone want to read about someone elses’ life- let alone what they think ? I just don’t get it .

Sometimes I read my last few entries back and I realise …I don’t finish stuff …it’s trivial …I don’t mention Rosie …I talk about myself …and I feel a bit stupid .

So now I’m going to finish stuff and talk about pain/love/loss because that is what this is all about .

John arrived home late on Monday night .He had a brilliant time ,was pooped, but has cycled to work everyday since and is even contemplating a cycle ride into the Chilterns tomorrow .

Jacob flew in ,worked hard on his film and flew out .We had a short time together to share some WeirdBeard Hanwell Ale and some Reunion Island Passion Fruit Chocolate .

Our students have no mobile phones , have never been to England before , are very young and to their credit ,have not got lost .My heart was in my mouth the first time they went out, having had a 20 hour journey ,been in London for 2 hours and only had a photocopied A-Z page of Ealing and a tube-map.

Life is not the same as it was 6 years ago .It is good , but it is not the same .For anyone who has experienced the death of your child ,you will know what I mean .There is a sort-of science to it .When you love someone so very very very much, and they are suddenly snatched away from you , the amount of pain is relative to the amount of love you have for them .Plus as a parent , your job is to nurture and protect and I haven’t . So in effect ,I have failed .The guilt is unbearable at times -and that is destructive . When those thoughts enter my head I have to give myself a good old talking to and apply mindful strategies my therapist has given me . Although my life goes on , the pain never goes away .But ,I think, in 5 years ,4 months and 18 days I have learned to live around it and with it and I feel my life is very positive and full of good experiences and people .John,Jacob and Florence will probably cringe when(if) they read this ,but everyday ,I thank the stars for them .They are my world ,and although they don’t know it ,my sanity .

I would like to thank Benjamin Brooks-Dutton for these beautiful words .I have adopted them and at some point in everyday I say them to my beautiful,older ,daughter,Rosie

“I can’t bring you back ,but I promise to keep your memory alive.

I can’t touch you ,but I can love you everyday.

I can’t replace you, but I promise to help the people you loved through this pain.

I can’t feel the way I felt when you were here, but I can try to remain positive for you and our family.

And these are the four promises I make to you now.”

It’s on my top ten of lovely places to have brunch

Two fatted calves are killed tonight .

I await the arrival of John ,after the longest and hilliest leg of his Tour de Normandie- Liseux to Dieppe via Trouville-la-Haule,Yvetot and Gueres Marie .As I tippy-type they should be on the ferry to Newhaven .He should get home around midnight ,which gives him time to put the bins out .

I also await the arrival of Jacob , who has jetted or megabussed in to meet up with a friend who is helping with techy film stuff . He is second reserve for the bins .

So until they come busting in ,I will dine with our two students from Reunion Island- yes I had to get the atlas out too. ( third reserve ?).

So while everyone was doing ,cycling,filming,sightseeing stuff ,I climbed to the 32nd floor of The Shard to have brunch in Aqua .It was a fantastic treat .God knows why ,but we were given the best table in the restaurant ,in the corner overlooking Tower bridge ,The Gherkin,The River,Crystal Palace Radio Mast my friend’s house in New-Cross etc etc. It was wonderful , the food, the classy cocks ( at 11am -Rosie would have been proud ) , the service, the view ,the atmosphere. I loved it .I’d like to take everyone there .

Then we came down to earth ,strolled along to the Tate Modern and saw ‘Henri Matisse the Cut-outs’.Loved those too , especially the designs he did for the Dominican Chapel of the Rosary in Vence .It really was a beautiful and inspiring exhibition…and not unbearably busy.

In my top-ten-list of beautiful walks

While John cycles from St Malo to Dieppe- today it is Vire to Lisieux , I have done the South Coat Walk- Portsmouth to Deal , a total of 128 miles, in just 30 hours .

I only missed out the 124 miles from Southsea to Dover ( after I dropped John off at the ferry terminal ,drove home,slept and then got the Saturday morning tube to St Pancras, and the train to Dover.) I then resumed the walk over the White Cliffs to Deal .It was a spectacular finish ..we ran to the station ( toilets ) and then did a round each of ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane, ‘You’re so Vain’ and ‘Windmills of you Mind ‘ .It cleared the platform and ensured us the best seat on the train. Then it chugged off andwe fell asleep .
After saying good-bye to my friend and trudging up Coldershaw Road Road and not looking forward to a night on my own ( never have been a fan of my own company-less so now ) , I bumped into a lovely neighbour .He invited me in and 3 large gin and tonics and the mashed-up crisps from the bottom of my rucksack , later , I made it home , all weedy and ready to point my toes.( and not caring who was or wasn’t in the house )

We did stop for coffee,lunch and more coffee

Yesterday , in the pouring rain , 9 of us did a beautiful TCF,station to station walk .We started at Paddington ,ending up at Waterloo and strolling through Hyde park ,Green Park and St James’s Park .We got to Horseguards parade bang on 3pm to see The Changing of the Guard .I don’t think I’ve seen it from beginning to end since I was a kid .It was quite a spectacle ,especially when one huge horses got a bit frisky and cantered into the crowd. Sergeant -major shouted at us to get back and we nearly lost Hazel under Dobbins’ legs !

I showed them Rosie’s Plaque at The Isis ,- a lovely Italian man took a group photo ( nearly taking one step back to many and ending up in The Serpentine – good job his friend shouted at him ) We walked around the Princes of Wales stream-thing ( which I love ) and then went to the July 7th Memorial .The memorial is made of 52 stainless steel pillars ,each one representing one of the victims. The pillars are grouped together in the four clusters where the bombs went off . Each steel ( made in Sheffield ) is 3.5 metres high and is unique ,as they were all cast separately .All the victims names are on one plaque ,behind the pillars .My friend’s daughter’s name, Laura Susan Webb ,is in the bottom line. It really is beautiful .I love the way you can touch it ,kids can run round it and it’s stunning simplicity .I would love to see it from above to see if the way the pillars have been placed,is symbolic .

It also moved me that Laura and Rosie and my book-club friend Marian are together,being remembered in Hyde Park .It is stupid ,irrational ,sad even ..but it gives me hope she is out there with people to care for and be cared for and is looking down and seeing our never-ending love for her.

Bon Voyage

It’s that time of year again .

John has dusted off his spandex, applied for his new ( I put it somewhere safe ,but I’m darned if I can find it ) EU Medical Card and scrubbed up his cleats.

Meanwhile I’ve made a tray of flapjacks with the out-of-date-only-use-it-once-a-year jar of golden syrup ( don’t think anyone will notice – they might even think I added some of Lance Armstrong’s version of flavour enhancer ).

Yes John is off cycling lots of miles again .
This year it is ‘The Tour de Normandy .Ferry to St Malo, returning from Dieppe,…with lots of wiggly bits in the middle.

It’s not about me

It all went tits up yesterday .

The train stopped at Polegate and refused to go any further .The electrics were blamed and we all got off .There’s not much to do in Polegate and there’s a limit to how many times you can go round the wines and spirits aisle of the Co-op . But the friend I was meeting saved the day and came and picked me up .We drove to Bexhill , set up our picnic outside her beach-hut ,and then her phone rang .It wasn’t good news ,I won’t go into details ,but involved ( incompetent and insensitive ) service-providers and one of her children with learning disabilities .It was a crisis. So we packed up , she drove me to a station on a different line .I travelled back to Brenford via Waterloo (not Clapham Junction ) and the jobsworth ticketman got all stroppy with me as i hadn’t paid to travel back via Central London .He wouldn’t let me through the barrier ,even though I was told i could travel this route with this ticket .I was so upset for my friend/her daughter / Rosie , I felt like head-butting him .But I didn’t ,I did the next best thing – had a little weep .Those tears are always just under the surface.

It must have taken Rafael Gomezbarros hours

Love him or loathe him , he picks some great art .

I fall into the ‘love him( but I’m embarrassed to add ) with concerns ‘ camp as he has been very good and generous to Ace Africa ,plus ,he took the time to come to ‘We Cluster and we Stick’ ..even though he had the flu .Shame he popped in during the the 4 hours ( out of 36 ) that I was out, taking Grandmama back to Brigstock Manor . Everyone says he was charming and interested ( esp in Florence’s piece ) and made some lovely comments .

Today I took myself off to The Saatchi Gallery to see ‘Pangaea:new art from Africa and Latin America ‘.Some rooms I skipped through ,others were just amazing – I LOVED the ants .The space and the shapes and the cast human skulls was amazing .On the top floor I did a double take as I stood in a whole room of Dwyers .On closer look ,there wasn’t a film, an illustration, a painting of a house , a Wickes receipt ..in fact is was the work of another artist ,Sarah Dwyer .I’ve googled her ,no relation .

Off to the seaside tomorrow .

I still count and always will

64months and still thanking you Bert
Photo 1- in our kitchen,Rosie was covered in paint and wrapped in cling-film ,for an art project of hers.
Photo 2- In Grandma’s garden ,on our much-loved swing.
Photo 3, with Helen,Georgina and me at Ealing Cricket Club,celebrating Richad Clarke’s 50th Birthday
Happy ,happy,happy days.

singing the theme tune between every round was the best bit

We lost ..and not just by a little bit ,but by loads .
I wasn’t expecting John to have to answer ( and then for me to guess what he has answered ) ‘How many fillings has your partner got?”, ‘Which bit does your partner dry first when they get out the shower ?'( doesn’t everyone dry their eyes so they can see what to dry next ?) and ‘What was the last film your partner saw at the cinema?’ – which i thought was a banker as I’d seen ‘Under the Skin’ 10days ago .I didn’t think he’d write down the one I saw with him, 5 months ago .
We were gracious in defeat and cracked open Declan’s gift of some mini bottles of champagne to celebrate the victors ( who went straight home to cancel their sessions at Relate )

John gets to answer too

I like a bit of arty-farty – haven’t really got a clue as to what is going on, but that man’s ribcage shouldn’t be behind his triceps – circus , so Thursday night’s ‘She Would Walk The Sky ‘ at The Roundhouse was good.

I love an Irish man who can sing ballads and about stuff that matters , so Christy Moore last night at The Royal Festival Hall was amazing .

And I love a game ..so now in preparation for tonight’s big ‘Mr and Mrs’ return challenge ,I am doing a bit of swotting , but have got stuck with

‘Besides yourself, who was the last person to see your partner naked?’ ,

‘Which food is guaranteed to make your partner feel ill?’ ,

and finally

‘If your partner appeared on Mastermind, what would be their specialised subject?’

I was OK with ‘ How would you rate your partner’s dancing? …poor….average….very good….embarrassing’

I lied – we did have couscous, but on a different plate ( and with the St. George Cross in some vinegar on the top )

We’ve returned from Marrakech 2 stone heavier and with very red faces- nothing to do with that extra frisk at Marrakech airport , but the 36 degree temperature.

I have 2 confessions to make ..

1.I have converted .Not to Islam, but to tagines . When the five of us had then there 9 years ago they all seemed to be the same , meat, apricots, lamb, couscous – all sort of mushed into one and served under one of Madonna’s conical bra-cups .This time we had squid ones, monkfish ones, lemon, chicken and olive ones- with not a grain of couscous in sight .They were still served under MCBC, but this time sizzling ,like those hot-plates you get in Chinese restaurants . The flavours were sublime

I have also converted to Moroccan wine and Casablanca Beer ( although in honesty I was never really off them – just didn’t remember what they tasted like )

2. I have formed a very strong bond with a handsome,elderly Moroccan resident of the riad, named Valentino .He watched me in the pool .He brought his lunch over to share with me .He gazed into my eyes and listened to me talk .The relationship only went sour when he tried to hump my flip-flop . And I thought tortoises were faithful creatures.

So if you are looking for culture, the most beautiful buildings and artefacts etc, to feel safe, great cheap food ( dine in the Jemaa el-Fnaa ,on 3 courses and freshly squeezed orange juice for under £4 each ) , lovely people, heat , snake-charmers, people that try and make eagles sit on your head , roof-terraces by the score, ice-cold plunge-pools, hamaans ,go to Marrakech…but just don’t get taken in by a cad like Valentino.

‘What’s the point of it ?’

I was going to write this yesterday ,but read what Bob Geldolf said ,and that seemed far more important .My heart bleeds for that family .

So back to Monday and I’m so glad I could answer ‘No’ to all the following questions:-

Are you allergic to latex or rubber?

Are you claustrophobic?

Are you asthmatic ?

Do you suffer with eczema ,psoriasis or a skin complaint?

Once all answers confirmed ,I was adorned with an orange fluorescent wrist-band then a man opened a door and pushed me ( and my friend who was worried her glasses would steam up and so held my hand very tightly ) into the abyss….This was my Mothering Sunday gift from Jacob and Florence and you’d be wrong in thinking it was entrance to an exclusive S&M club. It was in fact in one of the rooms at Martin Creed’s exhibition at The Hayward Gallery ..and the abyss was in fact a space filled floor to wall to ceiling with white balloons. I loved it ! It was beautiful, like being in a white cave with moveable walls you could manipulate and push and kick and bounce .It was weird , and reminded me a bit of Anthony Gormley’s ‘Blind Light’. We spent ages in there , as did the Japanese lady who lost her passport and airline tickets …we tried to help ,but couldn’t see our feet ,let alone the floor ! We then looked at other stuff and once we’d seen men’s genitals doing what they do best , a lady crouching down and having a poo and 2 people chucking up- we decided it was time for lunch !

Later the same day …I went to see ‘Under the Skin’ .I loved the book and loathed the film .It was all arty ,mystical and boring whereas the book has a great story which make me think and question – it was gripping. The only good thing about the film was that it was filmed on the streets of Glasgow ,so kept awake by looking for Florence .

‘Beyond Pain’- he gets it so right

On Monday evening, Bob Geldof said: “Peaches has died. We are beyond pain. She was the wildest, funniest, cleverest, wittiest and the most bonkers of all of us. Writing ‘was’ destroys me afresh. What a beautiful child.”

“How is this possible that we will not see her again? How is that bearable? We loved her and will cherish her forever. How sad that sentence is. “

A great film

‘The Grand Budapest Hotel’

saw it last night and loved it .

It’s barking mad ,brilliantly acted, a sort of adult-fable
but
can anyone tell me the significance of the little girl at the beginning and the end ?

men do cry

On Sunday ,The Times printed an article entitled ‘Which poems make grown men cry ?’

John Carey said

” I have, thank God, never lost a child. But every parent has a lurking dread that it may happen, and an inbuilt sympathy with those to whom it has. Over and above these obvious triggers of grief in Johnson’s poem,though, it is the tone that makes it, for me, impossible- or anyway, unsafe- to try and read aloud.

I know ,from experiment, that I cannot be sure to get any further than the last two words of the second line- “loved boy”. They sound so natural, so like a loving afterthought, as if he has turned to the child and addressed him in an altered, gentler voice, as you might do after making some more public announcement- just to reassure him, in case he is afraid or bewildered.

On My First Son,1616, by Ben Jonson

Farewell, thou child of my right hand, and joy;
My sin was too much hope of thee, loved boy.
Seven years thou wert lent to me, and I thee pay,
Exacted by thy fate, on the just day.
Oh, could I lose all father now! For why
Will man lament the state he should envy?
To have so soon ‘scaped world’s and flesh’s rage,
And if no other misery, yet age!
Rest in soft peace, and, asked, say, “Here doth lie
Ben Jonson his best piece of poetry,
For whose sake, henceforth, all his vows be such
As what he loves may never like too much.”

This poem was written around 500 years ago , and the pain I feel today ,runs as deep as his did then

* something to do with needing the pipes for a piece of art

Mothering Sunday – a day of three thirds .

Number 1- Started off well despite an hours less sleep. The four of us went out for a fabulous brunch with Stephen Mangam. Well not ,technically with him, he just happened to be in the restaurant . We then ( minus Stephen ) walked in the sunshine on the banks of The Thames ,taking in the view and watching the tide come in- beautiful .Then home, on the way picking up a free hamster cage from outside someones house *.I then opened my lovely homemade cards and a gift of tickets to the Martin Creed Exhibition.( I’ve packed my pin already )

Number 2- Soup Kitchen .John rolled his sleeves up and was head bottle-washer, meanwhile I headed up front-of-house .We had 3 new volunteers ,the sun was shining- what could possible go wrong ? Well after 2 big fights , a garrotting ,a 999 call ,2 visits from the police , it settled down . We cleared away ,cleaned the tables and then a man who didn’t want to return to his unit in Ealing Hospital decided to unscrew the lid from the Flash ant-bac Surface Spray …and drink a mouthful ! Luckily one of the new volunteers is a GP and so we let her take control – I assisted by clearing up the vomit .

Number 3- from Soupy I went straight to Ealing Common to pick up the 3 new Italian students . They were there waiting ,so I bundled them in the car and brought them home but could not make head nor tail of the town they were from, so got the atlas out – turned out to be Pontevedra..in Spain ! They are 3 lovely boys , pity one doesn’t like any vegetables except for chips ,and because I’d made a beef bourguignon with neeps and tatties ,he just had a …sugar-sandwich -his choice .Mind you he came up trumps when he produced 15 pancakes his Mum had prepared for us .

knackered now

Good job I can get the sheets on the line

Life has been busy busy busy . I still struggle with doing nothing .As soon as I wake up I jump out of bed and do stuff .Stuff is good , it means I’m functioning properly – I have great friends in the washing -machine,the sink, the dishwasher , the kettle and the PC! I look at my calendar , I plan stuff ,I check on my frog spawn – I Love my pond , my 1 fish ,my big snails and my giant frogs and it is the first year I’ve had my own babies!

Plus I’ve doing nice stuff ,in lovely places with great people .

Brain gym time –

Leigh-on-Sea for lunch .

Wimbledon Common with the TCF ( 2 new members – my heart bleeds for them- but good they could come ) .

‘The Village’ – a weird game with cupids and Peeping Toms and Lovers and werewolfs – still not really sure what went on ..all I know was I was a witch ,then got murdered and then saved myself .

Deptford Market .

A 371 bus tour of south-east London ( don’t ask – it wasn’t planned and was all down to those dreaded British Rail words” engineering works on the line – go outside and get the number 371 bus ) 48 minutes later ,we jumped off and headed for North Bermondsey Station !

Fabulous David Hockney prints at the Dulwich Picture gallery .( Bday pressie from Florence )

A HUGE lunch at DPG .

Bridesmaids – the movie

Farewell to our 3 Spanish students ,then a hello to our 3 Italian students

Then

Wiltons Music Hall tonight

Sunday brunch by the river.

Soup kitchen

all with the absolutely fantastic added-bonus that Jacob and Florence are home and doing most of it too.

lovely

The lambs are home in the fold .
One jetted in from Amsterdam via Glasgow and Newcastle.
One chugged down from Glasgow …
and three slipped in from Barcelona .

In yesterday’s paper:

“A vaccine against meningitis B is to be made available free on the NHS .
The Meningitis Now charity has campaigned for the Bexsero vaccine to be available on the NHS in the hope of saving thousands of lives and sparing many from life-changing after-effects .About 200 scientists and researchers backed a petition last month ,calling meningitis and meningococcal disease ‘a parent’s greatest fear’.”

Let me just add -Rosie did not die of meningitis B , but I have met many parents of children who did .Meningitis Now are a brilliant charity ,who have been very supportive to us and continue to pay for my weekly sessions to a wonderful psychotherapist .So please support them whenever you can.

Marc

It is with deep sadness that I tell you that Mercy and Phil’s son ,Marc, was found to have died not long after he went missing three weeks ago today

My heart and soul goes out to them and to Marc’s brother ,Christian.
It may sound silly ,but I feel their pain.

Looking out at their sea of faces- pure joy

I failed to say that the crowd of 300 were all little people in blue uniforms- the children of Oldfield Primary where John works . In my life I have never seen such a bunch of well-behaved youngsters- they were absolutely gorgeous.

Lizzy and Liv from ACE Africa, John and I put on a 40minute assembly to be proud of . We had music, facts,photos, Q&A, a make-a football-out-of-recycled-non-sharp-rubbish competition , film of the children of The Southend Academy doing a traditional Kenyan dance- followed by a short clip of four white people from Ealing trying to join in with the same dance and then 3 winners of the MAFOORNSR competition presenting Lizzy with a cheque for £200 for ACE Africa

We ended up with the whole school, staff and visitors joining in a rousing chorus of ‘Jambo’.

It was a really lovely morning .

I’ve got jangly bits

John and I are talking to a group of over 300 people this morning about our trip to The Southend Academy .Is that why I woke up feeling a little bit nervous ?

Do I activate WWJD or WWBD ( in terms of outfits I’m not following either of their examples ) ?

Emma Bridgewater started somewhere

Three bits of lovely news today:-

Yesterday

Declan was at THE palace with his sister who got the OBE for services to people with intellectual disabilities .William was very careful when he thrusted his sword.

A friend’s son came home after 10 weeks in hospital .

My new pottery friend gave class a miss ,as she was out to dinner with Hugh Grant and Steve Coogan ( something to do with supporting them during the phone-hacking case ) .She said they were lovely .I said ‘did you give them a pot?’ She said yes…the one that I thought she’d squashed and threw in the recycling bin .Hope they were impressed.

WS

When William Shatner was asked ‘ what have you learned about life?’ He replied

”the thing you have to remember is that life is for the living.You only have this minute ,this little particle,that goes kachung !- and then is gone. You have such a short time to live and you have got to help other people, be kind and just love.”

Think Julius Caesar

Yesterday I was 56 . this isn’t a cue for you to shout happy birthday or anything like that ,it is just a statement .

Don’t get me wrong ,I am truly grateful for the cards and texts and gifts and flowers and food and drink and a fabulous trip to the Theatre Royal Stratford East ,to see a wonderful production of ‘Oh what a Lovely War’ and I am especially grateful for the kind ,caring and thoughtful words .But yesterday was one of the hardest birthdays and I know why .It is because this year the dates are on the same days of the week as they were in 2008 .it may sound stupid to you ,but it means so much to me . I can remember exactly what I did and who I did it with on my 50th six years ago. I also fear December the ninth and the twenty-first ,as they are on a Tuesday and a Sunday .This hasn’t just popped up ,it has been swirling around in my head for ages . Grief does funny things to your brain . You have to work harder , you have to move things around , you have to be kind and gentle to yourself …I could go on and on .I was shocked at one friend’s response when I told her about my anxieties , fears and sudden overwhelming feelings of deep deep sadness and she suggested I get a different therapist ,as this one is obviously not doing me any good .I realised then she hadn’t a clue as to what grief for your child felt like . It is not solvable ,there is no strategy, it does not go away .It is a bit organic- it changes all the time .
I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone

hope

Although it didn’t stop me doing a ‘park the car , walk the wrong way up the lane, retrace steps ,get onto the Chiltern Way and then walk 6 glorious miles through ,woods,meadows,mud,bogs through villages ,woods and crossing The River Chess twice, plus having a picnic ,coffee and scooby-snacks along the way ‘ kind of a walk ..I thought about the Hutton family all the way .

Before setting off ,I bumped into a friend of some friends,a lovely lady called Mercy .We chatted – but she is hell .Two weeks ago this evening her son ,Marc , popped out from his flat in Putney to buy some food .He has not been seen since . He is 28 around 6′ tall and quite distinguishable as he is on crutches following a knee operation . She is amazing .I admire her tenacity and hope and strength and calm , which must be at probably the most trying time of her life. Their family are all circling around in my head .It is NOT about me or us ,I just feel her pain .
When there is some news ,I shall share it with you

I loved every minute of it

I’m firing on two pistons today .

Supper with lovely friends on Friday night and then last night an in-house quiz .There were 7 of us and everyone did a round ,a dish,drinks and a prize .I love a quiz ,but it is a sure way to find out how thick I am .My team were OK with the blanked out stations on the tube map, the cheese and choc tasting ….not bad with the lines from songs in bingo-format ( think Jessindeedy without the Indeedy ) …..but crap with the posh crisps and naff-wine ( all under a fiver ) tasting and famous faces photos – even though they were plucked from Closer magazine and The Metro newspaper . One couple did the ‘Guess the intro ‘ round .Fine, but they’d downloaded 75 intros ! So we did 20 as one round and ended the night with a huge singalongey-guess-the-rest of the 55 intros while shoutingthenameof the song/artist as loudly as possible ,and then carry on singing the song ,which had all been picked for their Karaoke potential .It was like being back at Uplands

Four hours sleep and I’m pooped now .

I didn’t even ask her name

Last night John and and I were having TV supper ,catching up with world events on ‘Coach-trip’ , when there was a knock on the front door .It is rare that some-one comes a knocking in the evening – come to that ,people call round much in the day now either .

Anyway I put down my kedgeree , and opened the door to a little ,gently spoken ,Iranian ,sixty-something year old,Muslim ,lady .She had a folder and a petition .She was campaigning for a charity that ( roughly speaking ) supports Iranians who have been tortured in Iran and are seeking refugee status over here

I invited her in and before showing me horrific news reports( in her folder ) of women being stoned etc , she asked if I knew anyone Iranian .I only have one Iranian friend,Farisheh ( two if you count her sister Tarranae ,who I’ve met twice ) , who was in my book-club and kindly gave us all Shiatsu massages in the two years after Rosie died .She knows of her – this lady is a doctor ,Farisheh ,a physio ,so in the small Iranian community in West London,their paths have crossed .I think she felt she could trust me once we had a link. I asked her why she was campaigning door to door , and she told me she was passionate about the cause as years ago her 17year old son ,Ali ,converted to Christianity in Iran , and because of this he was tortured and killed. She then asked me if I had any children .I told her I have three,Jacob in Amsterdam in Florence in Glasgow and tragically ,Rosie ,who died at just 19 . We were standing under Rosie’s portrait .She broke down,I broke down .I signed something ,I couldn’t see what I was signing .We shed so many tears .We hugged .

It doesn’t bloody matter what culture ,creed or religion , if your child dies ,it is too sad for words.

A reply backing a reply

Joyce ,following your comment on ” It was a gut reaction and I stick with it ‘ ,you might be interested in this letter posted in Saturday’s Guardian.
“Denmark may be a progressive country, but they do not realise what they are missing . My seven year old son has Down’s syndrome ( as it happens diagnosed 3 weeks after he was born ), but he is the best thing to happen to my family. I’m biased , but don’t use Down’s syndrome as an excuse to terminate a pregnancy “
John Summers, Bristol


or do i mean metaphors,I’m never sure ?

As I said Cathy and I had spoken about our grief, and we were both in agreement you either sink or swim and we had decided to swim .But not just to swim ..to dive ,to do synchronised , wild-water , learn new strokes ( sorry I’ve run out of stupid similes ) and in different places ..with all sorts of people .

So this weekend I’ve done just that .John and I went to see the musical ‘Urinetown’- absolutely barking mad but we loved it .

Then yesterday two friends and I drove out to The Chilterns, booked into a country pub ( think Fawlty Towers meets Acorn Antiques – we only had to wait 73 minutes for our breakfast this morning !) ,and walked and waded through the boggy countryside on the banks of the River Mishbourne , ate ,drank,talked,slept,ate more ,then walked and waded and squelched through the even boggier countryside surrounding The River Chess. We only lost the end of one walking stick and miraculously no-one fell over .

Meanwhile in the west coast of Scotland ,Florence took my analogy one step further ,and went swimming in the sea !

Love ( again )

Yesterday ,John and I went to a very beautiful and moving funeral of a ( my-ageish ) lady ,Cathy Webber , who we have known since Rosie died . She was not a close friend,but she has been very kind to us .We got on well .We talked a lot about everything ..her faith ,our travels , our wanting to travel more , her love of animals – especially the big-ones, the elephants,gorillas etc , our grief ( her husband died fifteen years ago ,when he was relatively young ). our fears, our hopes ,our families etc .She was genuine ,kind ,funny ,loyal,caring – all that you’d hope for in a friend. We have shared magic-tricks, days of decorating ,washing up and of course the usual- laughter and crying ( esp in Sainsburys !) .Cathy’s funeral was at St Paul’s Church ,where Rosie’s funeral was , so for us ,it was extra hard .But it wasn’t about us , it was about her .So we dug deep, snuck in behind a pillar and celebrated her life with the rest of them . But ,my eyes were drawn to her mother,Kate , and her two daughters ,Michelle and Claire. I felt such deep pain for them .I have no doubt that everyone in that church felt sad, and was grieving and questioning and all sorts of things were going round in their heads , but after the service and the drinks and the food and the mingling and the catching -up and the sharing of memories are over ..it is sort-of over for them . For us it is never over .Different ,but never over .

And that’s not easy when you’re a single and they were a double

Yesterday was the second anniversary of Grandmama’s death .

So to combat the glums and get all those ‘drag me down’ thoughts out of my head , I went to a different Zumba class. Nobody warned me the floor in St Thomas’s Church Hall is more highly polished than the one at St Jame’s . I hope I kept everyone amused with my Torville and Dean impression .

It was a gut reaction ..and I stick with it

They may be a progressive,well-educated country .They may have Borgen ,The Bridge , all my close relatives and the best restaurant in the world, but I’m shocked and saddened that because of their more-effective prenatal screening and couples making the painful decision to terminate a pregnancy , in 2012 ,there were only 20 babies born with Down’s Syndrome in Denmark.

The plot thickens

I lied ,one of us phoned to pay and the manager told us our bar bill had been settled the previous night …..
someone was very generous to us

We’ve phoned and paid up

Last night I put all my newly acquired ( Dutch) dance moves into practice ..and I think all the other party animals ( half our age ) were suitably impressed . For a time they even cleared the dance floor ( for all the wrong reasons ) ,before plying us with shots and then sharing their 4 bottles of 29th birthday celebration champagne with us .We did point out we were the same age as their mothers , but they couldn’t give a dam as we’d bonded over 4 rounds of fantastic Musical bingo . While we scratched our heads and racked our brains as to the title of the song , they just help up their i-phones and the answer popped up on the screen ( I call that cheating ) .Yes it was another night of the fantastic Jessindeedy’s Musical Bingo at ‘Drink,Shop,Do ‘, and apart from the shopping we did what it said on the box- drank and did.We didn’t win any of the bingo games BUT ,we came first in ‘The Decorate a Dauber’ competition .We transformed our dauber into Dame Edna Everage,complete with gladioli .Our prize – four more tickets to Musical bingo .

After the group singing ,the lick,swallow and sucking , the dancing , the exchange of mobile phone numbers ,four rounds of singing Happy Birthday , we rushed off into the night to catch the last tube from Kings Cross , only to have missed it .In the cab home ,we realised none of us had paid our bar-bill .I’ve never done a runner before !

I just don’t get her

They are all up there in the worlds’ best beaches- Grace Bay in The Turks and Caicos, Eagle Beach in Aruba, Anse Lazio in The Seychelles and Westgate on Sea ,just outside Margate .

Bet you’ve never heard of it , but you soon will , in my book it’s up and coming or maybe even been and gone .Anyway it was nice to have a seaside adventure .I love a train-ride to unknown territory , a walk along The Thanet Coastal Path with one of my bestest ,kindest and most generous of friends and style guru ,Dec and his dog, Dottie , a fabulous lunch in a little cafe ,BeBeached ,which served up the best burger and chips I’ve had in years ,with the friendliest service and a great view ,the cafe is,tucked into the harbour wall and there is a little bar just beyond it . The afternoon was topped off with a look at the Helen Frankenthaler paintings in the fabulous Turner Gallery …with fortunately , no sightings of Tracey Emin.

I’ve bought 14 different boxes to put it all in

I’ve discovered it is more like 54 years of stuff I am going through .

The earliest thing I found was a photo of me in the garden of number 53 with Auntie Betty , who was our next door neighbour , but when I was a kid we called all my Mum’s friends’ Auntie .I’ve found school reports ( talks too much , could do better etc ) , about a thousand signed scraps of paper from David Essex , beer mats form Sheffield , letters from John , cards from friends ,Jane’s blue badge ,Grandma’s hearing aids etc …..

and then all the children’s letters,cards and notes .I am so glad I kept them all .But it has been much harder than I had anticipated reading them . Their individual personalities come though so dam strongly from their writing and drawings .It quite takes my breath away .It is almost like having a series of mini-panic attacks .I go all hot and sweaty and teary and dithery and happy and sad . It is as if my heart has been broken all over again .It is as if they are there with me .I relive the very moment I got it .It really is multi-sensory overload .It is just fantastic that Jacob and Florence are doing such wonderful stuff in beatuiful cities and have lovely friends ,but so wrong that Rosie was deprived of all that .I miss her so very much.

So in between all this I’ve got out – I just had to .I never thought I’d say this but for once I found natural forms usurped by man-made stuff .Yesterday we went to see the Orchid Display at Kew ,and to be honest ,I found it a bit gaudy ,a bit messy and a bit naff .Whereas on saturday I went to William Morris’s House and Museum in Walthamstow ,and I found his drawings ,sketches and prints ,breathtakingly beautiful .

I always said she should do illustration

Going through all that stuff is much harder than i thought ,but the card that makes me laugh the most is a hand-made one ..on the front is a picture of what looks like a volcano with it’s crater at the top ,and inside it reads
” a picture of my mum with her head chopped off ” .happy mothers day, love Florence x

never underestimate the power of seeing someones handwriting- it is a really powerful thing

We’ve all Valentine biscuits .I treated the 3 Dutch dancers and John to ones that were made by my students ( with plenty of mystery ingredients – not necessarily from a shop ) .I’ve had ( hand delivered by our wonderful administrator ) the best valentine biscuit ever . ‘He’ didn’t sign it…but his Mum did , which made my day , because ,to me, he is a very special , gentle ,kind ,young man(also one of my students but my biscuit was from Morrisons )

I am about to sort through twenty-five and a half years of memorabilia that I have stashed away in 6 huge boxes on the top of my wardrobe. I am going to try to condense the important stuff into 4 smaller boxes

It could get messy and no doubt, very emotional

Just like Fire Would

Bruce Springsteen’s new single was just played on the radio .I heard the fisrt few bars and it was like someone had winded me.
So I made myself listen to it and by the end thought it was called ‘Just like Tiger Woods’.
That’s why I’m on the PC at this stupid time ( before work ) as I had to find out the actual name

Five identical Volkswagen Type 2s were used during filming

Even Peter Andre ,and his family, talk some sense .Speaking of the death of his brother Andrew , one of his other brothers says ” You don’t get over it : you get on with it .It’s affected us all so much because we now know how vulnerable we are .”

So sad and so true .

As you know I read a lot about what people say about life after your child or sibling has died and I take it all in and I try and live my life in a good,positive and kind way BUT it is not about me , it is about Rosie ,and how wrong ,unfair and cruel it was for her and that makes me very very very upset.

John and I have just watched the brilliant ‘Little Miss Sunshine ‘. Back in 2006 , Rosie and I went to see it at Cineworld Kings Road .It was a Sunday afternoon and I think she came as she was the only one not doing anything and I begged her to come on the promise of some Rococo Chocolates ( turned out the shop was closed ) .We both loved it .I know it sounds cheesy ,but it was one of those films when the audience whoops and claps at the end .It had such an amazing feel-good factor

Talking of family ,we are off to Brum today to celebrate Johns’ sister Mary and her husband Rick’s sixtieths .We thought of taking the camper van and reinacting the rolling it down a hill and jumping in it ,in third gear ..but didn’t think it would work with us the two of us (we’ll wait til Jacob and Florence get home .

Not easy in slippers

Today ,in the kitchen I’ve done the Pretzel,Lunge,Brush and Turnout ( Jazz Dance) .Then the Duck,Check,Comb and hand-drop ( Salsa ) ,followed by the Pas de Basque,Contretemps ,Gargouillade and Temps de Fleche -which is not natural – should be banned (Ballet) .Winding down ( or in my case booking into the osteopath ) with a Downward Dog , which I was hoping was the same as a Classy Cock – but sadly is not. It’s a Yoga position which breaks your wrists and suffocates you ( unless you have the upper body of Kate Moss ) .

We have three Dutch students of Musical Theatre staying with us .They are amazing .They know and can sing in tune ALL the songs from every musical .They can dance ,act ,are smiley and talk English .One didn’t go into his lessons at Pineapple Studios today ,so he danced around our kitchen teaching me the moves . I think he was impressed with my knowledge of Pineapple and the fact I knew Louis Spence ,until I explained it was because I had watched the TV series and had never actually met him .

Now we are all excited as he has just found out he has an audition for Billy Elliot, and so will be popping home for a couple of days .

30minutes later ….. just watched on Youtube and then rein-acted the finale from Billy Elliot ,with a tap routine alternating one coal-miner with one ballet dancer .Guess which role I played – and it wasn’t the ballet dancer ?

Not easy in slippers

Today ,in the kitchen I’ve done Pretzel,Lunge,Brush and Turnout ( Jazz Dance) .Then Duck,Check,Comb and hand-drop ( Salsa ) ,followed by Pas de Basque,Contretemps ,Gargouillade and Temps de Fleche -which is not natural – should be banned (Ballet) .Winding down ( or in my case booking into the osteopath ) with a Downward Dog , which I was hoping was the same as a Classy Cock – but sadly is not, it’s a Yoga position which breaks your wrists and suffocates you ( unless you have the upper body of Kate Moss ) .

We have three Dutch students of Musical Theatre staying with us .They are amazing .They know and can sing in tune ALL the songs from every musical .They can dance ,act ,are smiley and talk English .One didn’t go into his lessons at Pineapple Studios today ,so he danced around our kitchen teaching me the moves . I think he was impressed with my knowledge of Pineapple and the fact I knew Louis Spence ,until I explained it was because I had watched the TV series and had never actually met him .

Now we are all excited as he has just found out he has an audition for Billy Elliot, and so will be popping home for a couple of days .

30minutes later ….. just watched on Youtube and then rein-acted the finale from Billy Elliot ,with a tap routine alternating one coal-miner with one ballet dancer .Guess which role I played – and it wasn’t the ballet dancer ?

I thought of doing a reinactment of the magic show, but the audience’s eyesight wasn’t too good

We’ve been left with a free afternoon…For the first time in it’s history ,due to a gas leak ,Soup Kitchen was called off . .Apparently the whole area ( around James Puddle’s fruit and veg shop ) is cordoned off .For a split second I thought of making a huge vat of soup and redirecting people to 106 ,then I thought better of it and went to Kew Gardens instead .

Now,I am contemplating putting my name down for a place at Dean Wood Nursing and Residential Home .Yesterday ,my friend ,Jane and I got the train down to Brighton and visited her Mum and Dad ,Ann and Bob ,at DWNAR Home- which is now their new home .Blimey it is state of the art – all cosy,beautifully furnished, lovely kind friendly chatty,caring staff, lots of little lounges, a cinema,a cafe ,decent food and wine and the best bit of all ,it stands on a hill overlooking the South Downs and the sea. We thought it too cruel to take Ann and Bob onto the landscaped roof-terrace to look out over the cliffs and have a game of boule on the grass court. So instead we bedded down in the private dining room and were waited on with a three course meal .We did the crossword,had a game of indoor bowling and attempted scrabble .There was an emotional moment when I was re-united with Grandma’s Rotator ,which I had given to Ann ,after Grandma died .But I composed myself and bedded in for the community sing-song

Another act of kindness- they make such a big difference .

My Australian cousin ,Alan, is a wine-buyer.He knows a lot about the stuff , it’s his job and his hobby . We last met at Auntie Grace’s funeral and he was extolling the virtue of Swiss Wine – I’ve never tasted the stuff .On Thursday I met up with a friend and she was telling me that she and her partner had driven to Geneva ,had a tour round the lakes and mountains and discovered Swiss wine along the way .They liked it so much they brought back a couple of cases .

So it was a lovely surprise when I got home yesterday and there on my doorstep was bottle of Domaine De la Treille ,Chasselas 2012. John and I sniffed it, squished it ,spun it round and then dogged it back – very nice it was too.

Next time I’m wearing a balaclava

I thought by wearing black and tucking myself behind a table in a dark corner ,I’d go unnoticed , but alas no ! The first act on in ‘Conjuring in the Court’ ,needed a Debbie McGee to his Paul Daniels ,and last night I was that Debbie .Not only did I have to leap(?) on stage ,then hold his wrist while his hand hovered over four upturned polystyrene cups which rested on 4 separate identical coasters,onto one of which was attached a 5 inch spike, while he read my mind as to which of the cups that I had previously shuffled around hid the ‘spike of doom’ .After staring me in the eyes ,he raised his arm and then thrust it down onto one of the cups, which then collapsed .Each time he did it I nearly s*at myself .I didn’t want to be held responsible for a B List magician crucifying himself on stage. It didn’t help the tension levels as early on in the trick ,I had to ask one of my friends to rummage round in my handbag and find my glasses ( I bet Debbie never had to do that ) ,then pass them to me up on stage . He also did something with my hands , the throwing of a die and reading my mind .I do feel now I am totally under his control .So any more rubbish I write is completely down to him .

Spent today trying to get over the trauma by going to two excellent exhibitions ( probably making up for the fact that the one exhibition I should be at is Florence’s in Glasgow ).So started off at The Ben Uri Gallery ,seeing ‘Uproar’ and loving the work of an artist I had never seen before ,Stanislawa de Karlowska. Then heading off to Kings Place to see ‘LookingOut,Looking In’ , portraits (OK) and landscapes( amazing) by Lucy Jones , an artist with Cerebral Palsy.

Now I’m off to see my shrink , which is very kindly paid for by Meningitis Now.Org .To them I am very grateful.

Back to the drawing board

I did ,I actually did it- after four aborted attempts ,I threw a half-decent,sort of symmetrical, even-sided, pot.It was about the size you could put a small tub of herbs in .I stood it on a tile ,and went away to write my name on a bit of paper,to put inside it ,before I put it in the drying cupboard..By the time I got back ,it had gone .Some-one had thought it was their trash ,so squidged it up and put it in the re-cycling bin ! We went hysterical .

Not the Gabrielle song

This has to be one of the cheesiest ,most acted out songs ever .I defy anyone who hears it ,not to open their arms and pretend they are are on the front of THAT big ship .

But last night,with real people singing it ,with real emotion and passion and pride and love -I had tears rolling down my face ( Once I’d asked the guy next to me to put his arms down, so I could actually see the stage)

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you’re here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we’re gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we’ll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you’re here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You’re here, there’s nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We’ll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

But in reality ,I have only properly dreamed of Rosie about four times since she died , and those dreams are very hard to get over , because when I wake-up ,I think she is alive – so my heart is broken all over again .

Drat

On one hand they are asking you to join them, but ,one year on ,and I am still not sure if I come under the umbrella of lesbian,gay,bisexual or transgender .Since last seeing The Pink Singers ,I have been taking a daily dose of Glucosamine and Chondroitin with an added dose of Vitamin C ,and so there might have been some physical changes.The fact I can’t sing might stunt my application ,but they are forever waving ‘The equal opps’ banner, and so they might at least give me an audition.

Tonight was brilliant – what isn’t there to love about songs from the movies ? I had a serious ‘mind-the-gap’ moment ,when the first song they performed was ‘Circle of Life’ .As most of you know ,it was the final song at Rosie’s funeral . We chose it because of that video of her standing on someone’s kitchen table,belting it out , with ( I think ) Stu ,Holly and a few others .Next came one of my all-time international favourite songs from a film ( the Thomas Crown Affair ) -‘Windmills of Your Mind’ which was sung by the great-man,Noel Harrison’s son,Simon Harrison .I don’t know if you remember ,but a couple of years ago ,my friend printed out the words to that song ,and we sang it as we walked across the cliffs from Dover to Deal ( where I lost my purse in a pub , and had to persuade The British Transport Police to let me travel back on the train ,without a ticket ) .I won’t list every song ,but there were some tearjerkers …’I will always Love You’, ‘The Sound of Silence ‘ and ‘Zadok the Priest’ and then some camp-over-the-top-belt-em-out-medleys…’I’ve had the Time of My life’. ‘Nine to five and ‘Nothings Gonna stop us Now’..It was a fabulous evening, only slightly spoiled by the fact I left the T shirt I had just bought from Peter Jones, under my seat ,

Did you spot the football that Jacob gave ,that was so blown-up ,no kid could do a header!

Like you Sally, I’ve just spent over an hour going through The website http://www.southendacademy.org/.

I think it is fantastic ,and for a school like that ,in a remote part of Kenya ,to have that resource, is amazing . Did you spot our four little white faces poking out amongst all the students ,on one of the photos on the ‘Partners and Donors’ page ? I love the fact that they have included photos of ‘The Rosie Dwyer Artroom’ -seeing that blue door and red writing always makes me cry .I still don’t really believe she’s gone .Maybe it helps a little bit to think she lives on there, maybe even living her life through some of those kids . Stupid thoughts I guess.

Thanks to Anne Hindle for arranging it ,and to our friends and colleagues who came to last night’s Mass said for Rosie, at Ealing Abbey . It was very beautiful .I don’t understand the rituals or ‘get’ the beliefs ,but I love the …love,the peace,the kindness,the community,the building .It is good to be still and just to have her in my head and being in a church lets me do that.

Another thing to click onto

I thought you might be interested in this email I received today

“Dear Rachel and John

Just to let you know we have caught up with Jenna and Paul in the UK office today and heard all about their fantastic experiences at Ace and particularly Southend. I know you met during your trip to Bungoma.They have been responsible with the help of a local Bungoma man of setting up a Southend Website which is looking great http://www.southendacademy.org/

Hopefully in the not too distant future you may be able to exchange stories!

Speak soon

Lots of love

LizzyLizzy Epsley

Fundraising & Communications Manager”

Now you can look at The Southend Academy’s Website- it’s fabulous.

‘The Steve McQueen Stalkers Soc.

Seen and done lots of good stuff

Paul Klee at The Tate Modern- loved it .His ‘Blue Night’ would look very nice hung on my Beaver’s Breath

Candide at The Meunier Chocolate factory – barking mad – I lost the plot as to what was going on .But that’s Voltaire for you. The pre-dinner,post-dinner and interval drinks didn’t help

Twelve Days a Slave at The Curzon ( a la posh cinema ,but still cheaper than The Odeon ) – amazing ,moving ,shocking, beautifully filmed, wonderfully acted and should be shown in every high school around the globe .It was directed by Steve Mc Queen , who my children have followed around Europe .He went to Drayton Manor High School ,where all three ended up .Then he went onto Chelsea ,where Rosie was, and then to De Ateliers, where Jacob is . We are like TSMSS

American Psycho at The Almeida, which was probably one of the best , original ,innovative ,stage productions I have ever seen ( Up there with Limelight – ask florence and Nat about those productions ) .

Lunch at Ottolenghis- who as Florence ,will confirm ,has the best-all-time-international-recipe for mushroom lasagne ,probably because it contains about a kilo and a half of cheese ( and feeds two )

plus

all the little paintings on the chewing-gum on The Millennium Bridge .I loved the little pictures that are created by one artist who paints within the shapes of the trodden down gum . I love that bridge, cos Rosie did.

George Clarke’s 50 shades of DIY SOS small spaces

It is like an episode of Changing Rooms round here .

I’ve had my designer ( Laurence Llewllyn-Bowen ) ,Declan ,in .

I have my attractive painter ( Anna Ryder Richardson ), Jacob , up the ladders while wearing his ghostbuster onesie and clutching his roller .

And previous to this I had Handy Andy ( John ) in ,building wardrobes , and now he’s fiddling with the electrics ..so if this breaks off mid sentence you know why .

Later the same day….

John and I have finally gone all grown-up in the bedroom .The ‘I’ve been tangoed’ orange walls have gone, the beds gone ( very fashionable nowadays ) and stupid named paint colours have come in ..’.Beaver’s Breath’ was an option , but on the advice of Laurence, we settled for Wickes best creamy-white .New bedside chests arrive on Sunday ,courtesy of Laurence, who no longer wants them .Maybe, before he starts making the curtains, I’ll persuade him to part with his bed ,and then I have something to put my memory-foam-topper on.

What a team ( except me – I don’t seem to be doing much )

One year on…..

Two days of one-to-one tuition and an evening of twenty balls thrown onto the wheel and I still can’t make a bloody pot .

How on earth did Demi Moore do it ?

As I got older ,I learnt to stare anybody out

‘The Undateables’ – dreadful name but a great programme .

Did you watch it last night ? All of the three people who registered with the various agencies were amazing and loveable and should have a partner .But the one who really resonated with me was Mary . She was a feisty, funny ,articulate,beautiful young London woman with Achondraplasia .In so many ways she reminded me of Jane .She was very witty and expressive ,using her hands to add to her vibrant speech .Until that wretched,horrible,cruel ,Syringomyelia ,took it’s toll on Jane’s body ,she used her hands a lot and right up until she died , was one of the few people who could really make me belly-laugh …we only had to look at each other to go hysterical. Anyway , apart from the fact Mary played for ‘ The Female Dwarfs Football Team’ , I think Jane would have admired her spirit, determination and lust for life . It broke my heart when talking about finding a partner she said “When you are a little person, it feels like you are asking for more. But you are not – you’re just asking for the same as an average height person ” .Too bloody right – why does our society only feel it is the normal/attractive /successful person who gets the boy/girl .We all have the right to love and be-loved.

Mother had a photo she kept on her wall of the five of us – Mum,Dad,Richard,Jane and I .There weren’t many photos of us all together .I guess it’s probably because Richard is 9 years older than me , so by the age of 10 ( me not him !) ,he had left home .Anyway the photo that Ma treasured was the 5 of us at Land’s End .You know the type – the one with a signpost in the background – Land’s End to Norbury 297miles. I look at that photo and it makes me smile as I was oblivious to how odd we might have looked as a family .Mum and Dad around 5’9″, Richard -6’5″ish and Jane 3’11″( she swore she was 4′ ,but The National Hospital for Neurology and Neurosurgery, said otherwise ) tall .All I remember was being pissed off as Jane had the nicer of the two hand-knitted poodle design jumpers ,and Richard had lost my beach-ball !

I have emailed Augustine to find out what SSTRE is

“Dear Rachel , John, Jacob and Florence

I hope you had a good time during December, and you are having a good new year!

I am writing to enclose the results of the 2013 KCPE class. I think some of them you remember very well from your recent visit, and also this is a huge improvement since you started supporting the school.

A majority will get direct admission to secondary schools and I will work with the teachers to get for them support locally where possible as all the children are destitute and will not afford secondary school fees.

Many Thanks and all the best

Augustine

Augustine Imbuye Wasonga
Country Director, Kenya

ACE AFRICA”

We received this email yesterday ,and i thought you might be interested .
I couldn’t download the document onto this blog, but to summarise the average scores were
Maths-46.8
English-53.3
Kiswahili- 55.3
Science – 48.8
SSTRE- 52.5
Averaging-256.5
I’m sure,like me, you are very proud .Through Rosie, Ace,you ,us , these young people have been given a greater chance in life .
Thank you

It’s exactly as Rosie wrote it

On the fifth anniversary of Rosie’s funeral ,here is one of her entries on ‘Myspace ‘ ( I think it was the thing ,before Facebook kicked off ) we considered putting in the order-of service ,but there wasn’t enough space for it. So we went with her story about the students.
I Love it –
it is so her .:-

Myspace

Monday,August 28, 2006

a little bit about Reading

Heres some stuff that I will remember fondly :

Mystery jets .i lost my phone but i didn’t really care.Amazing

‘WE ARE AN ANGRY MOB’ as about 300 of us paraded down the gangways

lethal bizzle!

The rave on the trampoline

the fruit game ‘ chhhhhaaarlie” responded with ” vhat!” then the much successful fruit hunt

tom and annas rap breakdown

How always we seemed to somehow end up in pussy parlour at some stage or the night ( or morning wayhayhay )

when the kaiser chiefs did ” everyday i love you less or less”

when hot chip did over and over

when arctic monkeys did thier thang

the quest to find dickie from big brother

morning brews

insightful convos which involve a confidence building ‘ youuu raise me uuuup”

hahaha when i opened the drop loo door and some poor person was exposed to everyone- i thought it was free .those things were annoying

be your own pet !

the hug record

oh and sleeping in the main stage

and more but you get the gist good times were had “

next time I’ll take a big torch

Today in the paper Emma Freud ( that well-known lifestyle guru and Walberswick resident ) wrote

” Every funeral involves more than 1,000 decisions that have to be made by the organiser during the worst few days of their life ”

I firmly believe that adrenalin and shock and some good friends ,got me through it .

It still seems like a ( cruel ) dream .Five bloody years on Monday

I wish she’d been there to give John and I some local environmental advice last Monday night ,when we walked from The Anchor Inn Walberswick to The Harbour Inn Southwold , in the dark ,along the towpath of the River Blythe …not realising the river had risen ,washed away the path , until we were up to our knees in sinking mud .Didn’t stop us getting to the pub ..and getting our own table ,with everyone giving us a wide birth.

There’s a free holiday for 2 to the first correct entrant

The last time I said those three throw-away words ‘Happy New Year ‘, we were at The Clarkes eating tapas ,drinking Long Island Iced Teas and playing Rapidough .Little did I know that eleven months and twenty-one days later ,my world would be blown apart.Now I just can’t bring myself them to say them . Why ? Maybe its because they are too glib, I’m too scared or i just don’t trust them .

All I do know is that the pain ,sadness and longing for Rosie just goes on and on and on . I think my life has has reached a ‘new-normal’ .So i’ll continue to distract myself and keep Rosie’s memory alive by tippy typing away on this strange little blog ….

And as Bjork’s twin-sister would say ” Ssssh , it’s oh so quiet and it’s even stiller than last week “.

So in the stillness of our house I have composed a little ‘New Years Day Song-lyric Quiz’ for you to guess where Jacob, Florence ,John and I spent new Years Eve

Florence

Looking at the world through the sunset in your eyes
Travelling the train through clear Moroccan skies
Ducks and pigs and chickens call
Animal carpet wall to wall
American ladies five-foot tall in blue

Jacob

When it’s Spring again I’ll bring again
Tulips from ********
With a heart that’s true I’ll give to you
Tulips from *******
I can’t wait until the day you fill
These eager arms of mine
Like the windmill keeps on turning
That’s how my heart keeps on yearning
For the day I know we can
Share these tulips from *********

John and I ( tucked up in bed )

I remember way back then when everything was true and when
We would have such a very good time such a fine time
Such a happy time
And I remember how we’d play simply waste the day away
Then we’d say nothing would come between us two dreamers

Our Christmas

As my friend Bjork would say ” Ssssh , it’s oh so quiet it’s oh so still”.

Yesterday afternoon Thor,Gro, Frigg,Sarah and Kristian left us and jetted off back to Copenhagen .They managed to solve the problem of how to take Thor’s Christmas present from us back with them .When I bought the Chemistry Set ,complete with explosive chemicals ,I didn’t really think about how they would get it home on their Easy…-pay-for-everything-no frills-but expect you to take skis-buy insurance-book a fast track…Jet flight .But they did and I haven’t heard of any mishaps over the North Sea , so all must have gone smoothly .

We had a lovely time .We played Perfection,Operation,Chinese Checkers and Cluedo. We passed the parcel , wore wigs , stuck names on our heads . We drove out to Rosie’s Woods. We played Frisbee and of course took the rugby ball .It started gently with kicks and throws and before we knew it we were in a circle, throwing,catching,running and skipping around the circle ..in the style of choice of the last person who dropped the ball ( think ballerina/ jazz hands/ gospel ) .We fell over . Then we picnicked on the green .We came home covered in mud .
We watched two films ‘Final Destination ‘- pants . ‘Sightseers’- brilliant. …. and like everyone else ate and drank too much

Another one Jane and I used to belt out

It’s a bit odd ( sad ) when you write a comment on your own blog ,so I’ll do it properly ..

Yesterday we were together and did good positive stuff…We went to The Isis, had brunch in the Serpentine Cafe ,walked around The Serpentine ( avoiding Winter Wonderland ) , went to the Jake and Dinos Chapman exhibition – I have just got over the trauma of viewing a graphic film of them being born as adults , whilst sitting next to a member of the Ku Klux Clan ( me ,not them ) . Then we drove west to the beautiful French Chateauxesque home of the Rothschilds ,Waddesdon Manor , and ,in the dark, walked around six light installations by Bruce Munro .I think we were the only family NOT to lose a toddler ( probably cos we didn’t have one with us ) .Then ,like the 4 wise men/monkeys/shepherds we headed east and found ourselves in The Foresters ,eating Thai food, drinking their guest ale, ‘Nosey Rosey ‘and playing contract ( John won ) The we did a ‘Strictly ‘ sweepstake and at midnight came home and watched the final ( John won that too – the sweepstake NOT the dance ) .I think Natalie was robbed .

Then today I’ve been to Southall for samosas and listened to Desert Island Discs – another coincidence -one of Miranda Harts’ choices was ‘Dear Lord and Father of Mankind ‘ , which we sang at each of Jane, Grandma and Rosies’ funerals ,and has to be the most beautiful hymn in the world.

Rosie loved that song ‘Five Years ‘ by David Bowie.She used to belt it out.

Five years without touching,looking,hearing,smelling,laughing with ,listening to , clearing up after ,getting exasperated with , cuddling,kissing ,talking to,watching or holding Rosie.

How unbearable is that ?

Has it gone quickly ,has it gone slowly ? I can’t tell you .One of the things that has changed in my life ,is my concept of time- it is shot to pieces .I think probably it is because as long as us four are safe ,nothing else really matters.

I am probably hyper-sensitive but there have been a few odd things about today :-

It is the 25th anniversary of the Lockerbie bombing. I never realised it was on the 21st December . My heart goes out to those people .

Tony Blackburn’s ‘Pick of the Pops ‘ was this week 1989

The Guardian’s ‘ What I’m really thinking’ started “I’m an actor, I have Anchondroplasia” ( that’s about Jane, not Rosie- but I hope they are together somewhere )

The Guardian’s ‘A letter to’ ended “I cry every day screaming at the fields ; oh my darling why ? I love you so much. We miss you so much .Rest in peace, my brave ,bright ,beautiful son …Dad”

Florence pointed out an exhibition at the Foundling Museum where four contemporary photographers explore the theme of loss in the relationship between mother and child.
There the odd things end.

I send a huge heartfelt thank-you to everyone who sent flowers, cards ,spanokopita, texts ,gifts and donations to Rosie’s charity .

And a special thank-you to Bert for keeping this thing going and choosing the most beautiful ,and at times unexpected photographs and another thank-you to all those people who have supported and stuck with us throughout the last year , especially at times when others silence has been deafening.

Christmas lunch

Yesterday I was just sitting having my Christmas Lunch , when I felt a sudden jolt – was it an-out -of body- experience ? No , someone had launched their shoe across the hall and it hit me straight on the back of my head. I.looked down and my glasses were sitting in my soggy spouts .

My contribution to the table was a jar of chilli-mustard .I love it ( and it spices up the soggy sprouts, turkey, etc ) ,so I completely understand why Nigella carries a tube of Coman’s Mustard in her handbag .Why are the press making such a big deal about it – have I missed something ?

Thank-you Eliziebeta,Melita and Phil

Polish Dumplings – not John’s new pet-name for me , but what we had for dinner and very nice they were too – stuffed with sauerkraut, fried and eaten with dill and sour cream .

At work today ,a lovely SMSA, gave me a batch, remembering how I’d asked how she makes them plus it being such a pants time of year .

On Sunday ,there was a bunch of daffs on our window sill , with a card from some neighbours saying that they think of us at this time of year .

It is always lovely when people show they care and that they remember.

There’s no dam answers and as for the word ‘fair’ ,don’t even go there

This is part of yesterday’s little message John and I received from Prince William in his capacity of Royal Patron of Child Bereavement UK (along with a few snaps of him and Kate visiting the place where we continue to have counselling)

“Dealing with the death of a child,or – for a child- the death of a parent, brother or sister is an event that is so profoundly shocking,so beyond the ordinary in its crashing finality and irreversibility,that it can overwhelm every fibre of the bereaved .In short ,it is probably the worst thing that can happen to anyone. “

He’s one of the most prominent figures in this country and yet he also knows deeps pain and is not afraid to talk about it .Hats off to him .

Yesterday’s family section of The Guardian -unbelievably sad and beautifully written . I’ve ordered the book ‘5,742 days: A Mother’s Journey through loss’ by Ann Marie Cockburn

next time I’ll look there first

This week has been filled with highs and lows ,ups and downs, crap and nice stuff .I could go on except I’ve run out of poetic sounding opposites -I thought of Dairy Lea and Cornish Yarg or Quavers and Walker’s Salt and Vinegar – but thought we might disagree over which was a high and which ,a low .

Anyway ,lets start off with how we mean to go on…with the lows

1.My arm getting in the way of a man and his chewed feather – my arm came off worse .If a tattoo-artist etched into it ,I could have a nice set of teeth marks just below my elbow.

2. Monday being much harder/sadder/lonelier ,than I could have imagined .Next year I’m going to have strategies.

3.It’s December .

4.Loosing my handbag .Now this doesn’t sound much , but it near dam sent me over the top .Anyone who has a handbag and carries it themselves ( Queenie skip to ‘Highs’) knows they carry half your worldly possessions .

So let us rewind to Wednesday .

From work I shot to Ealing Broadway , bought some bits and bobs ,picked up two Evening Standards and drove home ,parking outside 117. I quickly jumped ( I know – an exaggeration – but ‘got’ is such a horrible word) ) out of the car ,posted one of the Evening standards through 113’s letterbox, walked the 10 metres back to the car ,took my bags off the back seat ,and came home .Job done ..end of …or so I thought .

Wind forward six hours and it’s bed time .John’s already up there zzzzzing away .I turn off lights, bolt front door and go to take handbag from the spot I always leave it – over the stair-post in the hall ,but it’s not there ,In fact it’s not anywhere …believe me ,I looked…in the fridge,freezer,dustbin.,every cupboard,nook and cranny .Not wanting to wake John up I put on the head torch and crawled around our bedroom floor,using my kindle as a torch to focus on higher surfaces .I went down the road to the car ,I went into the shed ( even though I haven’t been in there all evening ) .Then I did it all again..and again . At 2pm I am teary and in a right old state .I come to the conclusion in the 10 seconds I was delivering the E.Standard ,someone must have taken my bag off the seat of the car . At 2.30am I phone my Credit Card Company and my bank – the cards haven’t been used – the sweet assistant listens to my tale of woe and advises me to cancel them in the morning after I’ve had a look round in the light. .But it was not the cards I was really worried about – it was the photos I keep of Grandpa,Grandma,Jane,Jacob,Rosie and Florence ,plus my Sainsburys Nectar card which ,over 2 years ,I have saved over £220 .All I could see was Burglar Bill in a 24hour Sainsburys having bought a flat screen TV after ripping up and then throwing my photos in a bin.

At 4.30 ,I gave up my hunt at 5.30 John was on the case .At 7.30 John left for work .At 8.30 our 3 Italian students left for college. At 8.35, just before phoning Jayne and cancelling my place on TCF Christmas lunch , and then phoning the banks,stores,Tate,Kew etc etc I had one last tour of the house ,this time entering the students bedroom .At first I didn’t see it ( think of Rosie’s bedroom ,but replacing the fish-pie with chocolate brioche ) , but then I shifted one of the many Primark carriers ..and there it was smiling up at me

now the highs

1.The tin of shortbread given as a gift from the three Italian students ( I think we know why ). It was an accident ,one of them scooped my bag up by mistake ,thinking it was hers

2.The TCf lunch – we were a group of 19 women and 1 man , and as we were leaving the waitress commented on what a happy lot we were ( if only she knew ).

3. Having a meeting with the new Head of Art at Drayton Manor,and her telling me they have a photo of Rosie up on their wall.

” My son died.Today it’s been a whole year and I can’t think of three sadder words” James Ashton 9.12.13.

Thank you for all your lovely texts and Sally, for the most wonderful bouquet of flowers .They are on our hall table in front of Chris Steven’s portrait of Rosie.

Yesterday was harder than I imagined .I think it was because the four of us were separated .Last year I felt more secure knowing Jacob and Florence ( and some of Rosies’ friends) were together .

But I’m sure the other three, like me, just dug deep and tried to do nice stuff .We all raised our glasses to Rosie at 5pm ..so in Amsterdam,Glasgow and Ealing there were beads of positive energy sent out to her . We all love and miss her so very much.( an understatement ,but can’t think of stronger words )

From work ,I shot up to The Isis , to see it in daylight . I forgot my camera , sat with Rosie and did the crossword ( I do as much as I can and John finishes it ) , lost the crossword , got the wrong train home, read an article in The Evening Standard ,by a writer whose son ,Oscar ,died a year ago to the day, realised half way through the article I know Oscar’s Mum ,Viveka ( we are both part of TCF walking group ) and how we have discussed the fact Oscar died on Rosie’s Birthday and we were ‘Sisters in Sh*tdom’ , then got the right train , went into Sainsburys to buy the spuds for our dinner, got home and realised I’d forgotten to buy the potatoes.

My head was all over the place , I felt so unsettled

Three Italians got rice instead
Thank God for Zumba ,Gareth and the thought of ‘Fresh Meat’ saved for tomorrow night

A song for Rosie on her 24th Birthday

I hope you don’t mind Laura and Stu , but I’ve just printed your replies to give to Jeanie at No 87 , and because they are so Rosie and I’m too sad to write anything else, I’d like everyone to read your replies and think a little bit about her ,whenever they hear that song .
And to Rosie ,if ever any of this filters up to you …I love you so very very much and I am so very sorry xxxxxxxx

Posted by Laura Schlaeppi 06 Dec, 2013 10:10AM

Haha I was gonna suggest the same song Stu! She would sing the “you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot” line extra passionately with exaggerated hand movements and crack up laughing after it X

Posted by isabel stewart 24 Nov, 2013 12:51PM

Fairytale of New York always reminds me of Rosie, I can remember her saying it was her favourite Christmas song and it being played and sung along to a parties/birthdays/ But then I can see that may not be appropraite for a carol singing sesh lol

Today is the TCF candle lighting day ,for us and all those other sad souls

Thank-you to the friends who have already written, emailed and texted . To Georgina for her beautiful card .To the ( three?) Kings and to Ann and Ian , for their generous donations to Rosie’s charity .To ( Auntie ) Ann for having a Mass said for Rosie ,in Devon. To Claire and Bob for taking us to see Spymonkey .To Spymonkey for getting their kit off and making us laugh .To Emma for taking me out on a very long walk .To George Clooney and Sandra Bullock for letting us wear silly glasses, eat wine-gums and drift into space for 90minutes.( ironic the Sandra Bullock character went into space due to her overwhelming grief for her daughter who died ) To the soupkitcheners for their warmth ,humour,vodka-breath ,f..ing , blinding ,inappropriate comments and for taking us away from our sadness for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon.

I wish the four of us could be together tomorrow for Rosie’s 24th birthday ,but we can’t .We will all do something a little bit special for Rosie , and for me ,that will be playing her Kimmie Rhodes and Joe Ely’s ‘Catch the Wind’, going to work and launching myself across the room at Zumba.

with the exception of her holey tights

Suzannah Lipscomb’s best piece of advice she’s ever been given

” That whenever you lose someone you continue to carry that person with you : that they are not lost to you , but become part of you.”

I truly believe Rosie is part of John ,Jacob ,Florence and me

TV continues to numb

I’ve discovered the fantastic TV programme ‘Sky Arts Portrait Artist of the Year’ , after Fresh Meat , 24hours in A&E, Gogglebox ( I loved the last comment about the Red Bull and Vodka – a classic from the posh couple ) and George Clarke’s Amazing Spaces , is the one to watch .

It’s the final next week – my money’s on Selena Mowat.

I gave up on Brendan’s Love Boat , after just one episode. What a load of dross .

All this sparked by a radio programme

I have just spent the last 45minutes listening to this LBC radio programme

https://soundcloud.com/tags/the%20compassionate%20friends

and it has reduced me to a bit of a wreck .As they opened with “A difficult thing to talk about but the most difficult thing to go through”.

Broadly speaking ,the theme of the programme is ‘How to cope with Christmas when you have lost a child’ .

I agreed with so much that Jimmy Edmunds and Jane Harris, (the makers of the TCF film, Say Their Name), and Susan Hughes, a TCF trustee, plus all the other bereaved parents who bravely phoned in ,said ,that it made me feel I am not wrong or alone in feeling the way I do .

There was so much in the programme that resonated and applied to me , I jotted down a few notes. I apologise ,as I said it all before ,but Rosie dying and my subsequent grief and the thought of Rosie being forgotten is the reason I write this stuff.

So if you read this and treat another bereaved parent slightly differently ,some good has come out of it .

Please don’t edit Rosie out of Christmas ( or any other type of ) cards .I find it shocking and paralysing when her name is left off . Saying her name won’t make it any worse – not saying her name ,will.She never leaves my head . Do people think by not mentioning her ,they are easing the pain or distracting me ? I am not stupid .

People that tell you they make it worse – they don’t .Staying away makes it worse .It is a parents worst nightmare .Nothing worse could happen .So friends who put themselves first are unlikely to be genuinely caring. Being excluded or ignored ,hurts .

There is pressure out there to be having fun and be happy and of course it is possible ( and important ) for us to have fun and be happy , but you continue to have a broken heart while you are doing it . It doesn’t just go away.

The rule is ..there are no rules .But self-protection is key.

We are in shock and shock is body-wrenching.

We have a thread of disbelief .

Our child dying is NOT normal.It is not what we wished for .It is a physical pain .Our hearts are truly broken

Is time a healer ? No. You don’t ‘move-on’, you don’t recover , you learn to live with the pain .We’d do anything to bring our child back, but we can’t , so we learn to integrate grief into our life and we learn how to enjoy life .We see things differently .Hopefully the guilt,anger, fatigue,yearning,sorrow and pain become more manageable and we learn to live with them . We reach a state of ‘new normal’. We work,play,try new stuff and enjoy being with the friends and family we feel protected by .

Sounds like psychobabble- probably is ,but it helps to makes sense of the way that I feel

Thank-you

A heartfelt thank you to Jane and Roy for making Christmas cards and selling them to friends and donating the money to Rosie’s Charity .

That really is a very kind thing to do
I’ve since had ‘two Rosie’s friends encounters’ …bumped into Neelam outside Northfields Station and just had a lovely email from Laura in berlin .Will there be a third ???

December

It’s here ,the month I dread .
The month that hangs over me all year .The month that a lot of people find exciting .The month I think about 5 years ago .The month I chew over day by day .The month where everyone seems to be physically busy and I’m mentally busy ( trying to keep my head on track ) .The month where Rosie seems to be in front of my eyes constantly .The month where the exclusion zone hurts more than ever .

As for the pain- don’t even go there.

We are only a year behind everybody else

Last night was a unique cinematic experience …

John and I were served Mojitos , popcorn , coffee and Maltesers whilst reclining on big, black ,reclining ,leather chairs ( mine even had a little lever that I pulled to make the foot rest shoot up ) .We were entertained, looked after , nearly serenaded and given a DT lesson .

We went down the road to watch ‘Argo’ on Michael’s big screen .

It’ll be a collectors item soon

The nice little man in T Mobile fiddled with my sim ,saved all my numbers and gave my phone back to me – so textspeak has resumed .He didn’t even try to upsell me an i-tablet-samsung-all singing and dancing thing , but told me if my phone didn’t work he could sell me a new one for the costly sum of 95p ( which is £5 less than paid for it 2 years ago ) .
It must be the only thing on the market that has deflated .

Contact

I drowned my phone on Monday night and now it’s NOT working at all .

If you want to get in touch , email

Grrrr

PS It’s only an ancient Nokia ,cost £5.95 ..but it’s a little lifeline to me

Theres no puzzle , CBA to swop them round

Now put these sentences in the right order ..

Saw ‘Philomena’ last night .Loved it , but ,worryingly, found Steve Coogan rather attractive.

Woke at 5.15 to take 3 Italian students to their meeting point .( when students are leaving their is usually frantic packing, coffee-making,passport finding etc) .Not with these 3 – silence

Woke 3 students up .

Stupidly ( last night ) asked them to strip beds

Returned to find All bedding deposited in hall .

Writing this instead of peeling covers off duvets

Hall resembles a soft play area

Feel pooped.

Never again

Put these sentences in the right order

  1. Pick up 3 male Italian students at 11pm on Thursday .Discover , to my horror, one is 14 ,the other two are 15.
  2. Physically show them bus stop for buses to Ealing Broadway .Give them map and house keys and bus numbers .
  3. Students leave at 8.30 on Friday morning ..asking for directions to said bus stop and forgetting map and house keys and bus-numbers , but telling me they will be home for dinner at 7pm .
  4. Friday evening John and I twitching as we are due at friend’s house for supper at 7.30pm and NO sigh of students .They do not respond to my texts .
  5. 7.40pm- I get taxi to friend’s house in Hanwell .I apologise for John .Luckily there are three other guests there .We eat ,drink and make merry .
  6. Meanwhile back at 106 , John has muddled texts and frantic phone calls from 3 scared and lost boys .
  7. At 10.30 pm, after numerous texts and one phone call from the Italian teachers host family – boys are located and John picks up boys from Boston Manor Station .They are bewildered and cannot explain where they have been or how they got there .John brings them home ,gives them chilli and rice and TLC .Chilli too spicy and so pushed around the plate .
  8. John arrives at dinner-party at 11pm .He dogs down a huge glass of red wine ,has the cheese course and then eats the last of the home made spotted dick , golden syrup and custard ( sublime )
  9. We go to bed at 2am- pooped and wording the letter to the agency in my head .
  10. Yes you’re right- they are all in the right order .I started to jumble them round ,but, even I became confused

Thank God for a less stressful yesterday …

The boys made it home ( one and a half hours late ) after a day in town

I went to the exhibition ‘Art under Attack’ at the newly renovated beautiful Tate Britain

and then saw

The fabulous, amazing , wonderful , powerful ‘The Scottsboro Boys’ at The Young Vic.

Random acts of kindness…make a difference

Just as I get one loving act of kindness ( from Georgina ) another one comes along .This time in the form of a card from Jeanie at No 87.It reads

“Dear Rachel,john,Jacob and Florence,

My thoughts always turn to your family at this time of year ,so I wanted to put forward an idea that came to me :- The planning for our third carol Singing in Coldershaw is well under way It is happening on Thursday 19th December and I wondered if Rosie had a favourite carol ? One that we could sing as a way of the street remembering her presence?

I understand if you would rather not , but I wanted to share the idea with you in principle.

I tried to call by in person a couple of times but failed miserably and then had a dog covered in fox poo ( or Chanel No.23 for dogs ) and did not dare venture up your path!

sending you love and Shalom,

Jeanie x”

I think that is an absolutely lovely,kind and thoughtful thing to do and of course we shall yes ,the only problem being , I haven’t a clue what Rosie liked to sing or even Phah ‘d at …Georgina /SOC/Bench Crew /all friends etc etc …and ideas ??

Techie stuff

Thanks to Georgie for pointing out a techie problem with Rosie’s website and thanks to Bert for sorting it .
But for peeps who say it ain’t working still…..
do the old
“F5” refresh.
If that don’t work…
try hitting “Tools” or
“Help” on the browser you are using and clear the “CACHE” memory.

Any problems…. contact Bert.

so beautiful- so bloody unfair

Dear Bert ,thank-you for choosing such lovely photos of Rosie on this sad-old-number-of-a-date ( I always feel a little extra pain on the 21st of each month ) .

The first is taken on the balcony of our dear friend and Californian condo-swopper ,Judy, back on our American adventure in 2007.The second is taken in Copenhagen in 1999. We went over for Richard’s 50th ( I think ) and Jane was so poorly she never made it to the party ( you’d be forgiven to mistake it for me languishing on the rock next to Jacob ) .The third was taken at a giant-bean-bag-selling shop .Florence ,Rosie and I went up to Brick Lane one Sunday – Rosie just threw herself down on them-one by one.

take 4 minutes out of your busy day to watch this

Georgina sent me a lovely email last week , I hope she doesn’t mind ,but I cut and pasted a bit of it . This is the most wonderful song .It made me weep ,but in an OK way .Words and music are so powerful – they express so much that wouldn’t sound quite so right just read out .I loved the video too- it made me smile .

I always love it when people tell me stuff that is relevant to Rosie . She and Georgina were bestess friends from the day they were plonked on a rug together ,aged around 5 or 6 months .And the fact that Georgina was with her when she died , makes that friendship all the more special .

”I was just listening to this song called Long Live The Queen by Frank Turner – I remember showing it to Flo just after Rosie died because I like the sentiment of the song, even though I find it incredibly sad. I thought I’d send it to you as I was just thinking about Rosie, as I often do, and this song is all about how his friend has died but she wanted her friends to keep dancing, living life and remembering her as they do it. I think that’s what Rosie would say to us – she did love dancing so much after all! I love the videos of her at our garden party – she was so in her element when she was dancing.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RbNdwY4ujw

our room overlooked Oosterpark

On Friday afternoon we were lounging below deck on a 75 minute whistle-stop canal tour of the city ,when our tour-guide described Amsterdam as a ‘peeled onion , cut in half lengthways- with the streets and canals being those individual layers’ . I reckon we walked every dam bit of that onion . We didn’t stop – up hill down dale ( except it’s flat ). We saw women who had forgotten to get dressed properly and then forgot to close their curtains . We saw more flamingoes than we saw in lake Nakuru . We ate like kings ( Willem ) and old -queens ( Beatrix ) .As well as dining in an amazing traditional Dutch restaurant ( best steak and gravy we have ever had ) plus an a la Turkish one and also going across the sea to have cheese-fondue, where some of the SOC and jacob and Florence and Ryan celebrated Rosie’s birthday last year, we ate bitterballen, patat and satay sauce and kibbeling and tartare sauce . We sailed back across the sea to ‘The Eye ‘, the new ultra modern museum of film and saw a Peter Forgacs exhibition. We went and gawped in amazement at De Ateliers and Jacob’s studio .It is so big , I reckon you could land a small plane in there .We had dominoes tournaments ( I’m about 6 euros up ) Then on our last night we found the same little Irish bar ,Mulligans, that John and I went to 10 years ago and watched Ireland get slaughtered by Australia , which didn’t seem to dampen anybodies spirits when the band came on .It was more a case of diddly fiddly diddly-dee, and less of the clog-dancing .

I love a city break – especially when Jacob or Florence live there

Wish I was there

I shouldn’t have worried ,we arrived to no trains as there had been a fire in the tunnel . The whole of Schiphol Station was in chaos . I asked one Dutch man for help and all he did was slag off the Italian trains the Dutch had bought .Then a Dutch girl took pity on us and pointed out the one train that was leaving the station , which luckily stopped at Muiderpoortstation- yippee…we were back on track ( excuse the pun )

John and I have just got back from an amazing weekend in Amsterdam …like Glasgow ,I loved every minute of it .

Am pooped now, but will do my brain-gym tomorrow.

Three go mad in Amsterdam

Jacob’s directions from Schiphol airport to oosterpark …..

“There are a few routes .One is direct,one change at central and one which is pretty common- you get on a train towards Amersfoort Schothorst or Enschede- change at Duivendrecht and get a train there towards Uitgeest- that train stops at Muiderpoortstation.It takes half the time of the tram .

It’ll be a bloody miracle if we don’t end up in Rotterdam !

Ps And all this before we’ve been to The Brewery

we went out last night

Couldn’t find my gold hotpants ( John borrowed them again ? ), so couldn’t honour my promise as coming as Jessindeedy for our in-a friend’s-house night of Musical Bingo .

There were four rounds …Songs from the Musicals, Glastonbury Headliners, Places and We are Sixty going on Seventy ( mine ) ..We had food ,drink , did a course each ,a round each – following Jess’s rules – third prize for a row of three, second prize for two rows and first prize for a full house .We had song-sheets for the ballads and by song three ,the seven of us were up dancing .Two people had bought the same prize- fake moustaches , so we all had those on ( creepy ) and the men couldn’t decide on who would take their second prize of round two , facepack ,home .It was bloody brilliant .

No surprises there

As you know ,I believe we are all on the spectrum .

As you also know my isms are…crumbs on the work-surface, anxiety at being late , clutter ( loathe it ,not love it ) , going round Sainsburys in a certain way , getting a specific type of Sainsburys ( believe me ,there are different designs ) trolley, writing my diary everyday ,sending myself postcards , filing said postcards etc etc .

I now have a new one …studying train maps and going on trains .

Last week Glasgow to Edinburgh .

Yesterday Fenchurch Street to Southend – actually getting off at Upminster to see my dear friend Paula ,who has broken her leg really badly.

Today Marylebone to Banbury

Tomorrow London to Witney , except there isn’t a station there ,so dam it, we’ll have to drive

There are 9 ‘I’s in that entry .How horribly self-obsessed is that ?

I admit it , I send my self postcards .

I have a lovely V&A postcard album which John’s sister,Ann, gave me many years ago .When I go away ,I send myself a card and along with my diaries and my photo-albums ,I have a record of what I’ve done.

On Saturday ,I bought,wrote,addressed and stamped my Edinburgh one.Then I went to the loo and lost it .Yesterday it plopped on the mat .So thank-you to that kind Edinburgh person who put it in the post .

Thank-you also to my dear friend Jane who sends me postcards from wherever she goes . Keep them coming .I love them . Things with real writing that postie delivers are a real treat .

Not sure what it has to do with All Souls Night

Arthur’s Seat was too wet to sit on so instead I did a flashmob ( of one ) in front of the National Museum of Scotland , then we saw a fabulous Peter Doig exhibition at The Scottish National Gallery and then after the trauma of seeing Britain’s most pierced woman,right next door to a soggy piper ,we sought refuge in the most magnificent building that is The Scottish Portrait Gallery .There we saw the Viviane Sasson Exhibition. All good stuff .

I loved my Scottish mini-break .We’ve had lots of fried stuff ,lots of healthy stuff , walked loads .Had a tour of the Mac Building .Florence showed me the studios,library etc ,I showed her the exact seats in the lecture theatre where Holly ,Stu,Rosie and I sat nearly 5 years ago to the day .I saw the photos of Florence and her friends at Saturday nights GSA Halloween Party – my particular favourite was one of Flo’s friends who went as ‘An Intestine’ – it’s amazing what you can do with some fresh sausage-meat and a roll of cling film .I stayed in that night -didn’t want to scare the locals

You can’t beat a good walk for putting your mind to rest

Those Seven Sisters ,they’re a ball-breaker – but so beautiful .
So we didn’t walk them ,instead we walked from Newhaven to Seaford ,over the cliff to Cuckmere Haven ,and looked at them .
Apart from nearly being blown off the cliff ,it is an amazing walk ,with one of the best views in the south of England.

more lovely words

Other people cut themselves and share blood to show allegiance ,but not us- we went one better.. Apart from knowing and singing the words to practically every musical ,Jane and I bestowed on each other the greatest honour and level of trust anyone could give another human being …to let them order for you off a menu.

I don’t know why that suddenly popped into my head ,but I think it is because , while driving on Sunday , I heard this song on Elaine Paige’s ( I can’t stand her laugh ,it sounds so fake ) Sunday ‘break-a -leg while listening to songs of the musicals’ show on radio 2 . Follies is one of the musicals Jane and I hadn’t seen ,let alone knew the words ( Stephen Sondheim too highbrow for us perhaps )

Anyway ,this song came on ,and all I could do was think of Rosie .I pulled over and had a little weep.

“The sun comes up – I think about you
The coffee cup – I think about you
I want you so, it’s like I’m losing my mind

The morning ends – I think about you
I talk to friends and think about you
And do they know it’s like I’m losing my mind?

All afternoon doing every little chore
The thought of you stays bright
Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor
Not going left – not going right

I dim the lights and think about you
Spend sleepless nights to think about you
You said you loved me, or were you just being kind?
Or am I losing
My mind?

All afternoon doing every little chore
The thought of you stays bright
Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor
Not going left – not going right

I dim the lights and think about you
Spend sleepless nights to think about you
You said you loved me, or were you just being kind?
Or am I losing my mind?

Or am I losing
Losing my mind?”

PS .I put the italics in as it is obviously a song for a lover ,( not a sad old witch whose daughter has died ) and only that line does not ring true

First day of half-term .Yippee

Talking of our students , our lovely Dutch girls popped to West Ealing and bought themselves..olives,brie,Aero mousses ,cooked chicken etc and put them in our fridge .

Jacob came home later that evening and made himself a delicious snack of olives,brie,Aero mousses , cooked chicken etc .

I’ve been out to Lidls and bought olives,brie,Aero mousses , cooked chicken etc .

Horse meat springs to mind

This week we were very touched by a letter we received from the parents of one of the Italian students who stayed here .It was a lovely letter full of warmth and thanks , and included the words

” every day our son remembers his fantastic experience in London and every day he speaks about something: parks,foxes,squirrels,shop like Primark, Westfield,also theatre ,River Thames,museums,and about you,your family,your happiness,your original book with signatures, and your…delicious lasagne !

I wouldn’t mind ,but that was the only time I gave him a ready-meal .John and I were going out and so I popped into Lidl on the way home from work …..

I rest my case !

On Sunday we are all going to wear orange

You’d be forgiven to think you were in Holland when visiting this house .
We have 3 lovely Dutch dancers staying with us. Jacob jetted ( well megabussed – the worst journey yet , it was like post-party central ) in from Amsterdam . Freya’s been round ,and that is quite a Dutch sounding name ( even though it’s Swedish ) . I’ve cooked a Thai green curry ( and there’s bound to be a Thai restaurant in The Netherlands ) and John has built a miniature windmill in the garden .

The 21st of the month

OMG Bert – amazing photos of Rosie- thank -you .
They are almost too painful to look at -but this is no-way a critiscism- just an indication of how much I love her ,miss her ,yearn for her .
But ,then you’ve heard that all before .
Once again in a Q&A in Saturday’s paper , this time Joan Bakewell’s .When asked ”What is your greatest fear?” she replied ” That my child will die before me”.
It says it all really

John B. Keane’s Bar

Yesterday was one of those lovely days ,where you sit around the table with friends ,eating, drinking,talking ,laughing and crying ( me).

At one point we were all extolling the virtues of Lidl and Aldi – even though john and I could only partially join in as we have no Aldi near us – unlike Lidl- I pass two on the way home from work and now our house is full of Cien products .

Anyway ,Mary introduced us to this song …it is so dam true .I defy anyone to go in one of their stores and not come out with a monkey wrench/ fisherman’s stool/ artist’s canvas .

This song is all the more poignant as it is sung in a bar in Listowel ,County Kerry – the town John’s Mum is from !

http://m.youtube.com/results?q=aldilidl%20song&oq=&gs_l=#/watch?v=cL7jyXCQ2Zc

The alarm keeps going off on the lean green dream machine- we’re not so popular with the neighbours

It should be renamed ‘The Motorhome & Caravan and Mobility Scooter Show ‘ cos half the punters were on one .If they can’t walk ,God only knows how they get up those steps into their caravans. For the second time in 4 days John and I went to Birmingham .This time it was to The NEC to TMACS. It was great .We wouldn’t rush back ,but we loved climbing ,sitting,standing, checking out the portipottis in all the different campervans . I bought a set of plastic glasses and a microfibre bath robe from the best saleswoman ever …when I showed an interest she said “try one on ,I’ll get you a small”. Just look at me – I have never been small ( even as a baby ) , so I laughed and said I wanted to try on the largest one she had in stock , and she said ” ooh you’re like me- we have long arms” – she was a size 10 .I loved her , so bought a turquoise one . Then we had supper with John’s family and drove home .

Today we’ve been invited out for a late lunch .I love a lunch,late or otherwise .It seems a bit decadent and the wine just seems to slide down .Even better ,we are going to New Maldon , the other guests are coming from Amersham and so we get picked up en route .I’ve just put my finishing touches to my chocolate and cherry trifle a la Delia .It could get messy

The alarm keeps going off on the lean green dream machine- we’re not so popular with the neighbours

It should be renamed ‘The Motorhome & Caravan and Mobility Scooter Show ‘ cos half the punters were on one .If they can’t walk ,God only knows how they get up those steps into their caravans. For the second time in 4 days John and I went to Birmingham .This time it was to The NEC to TMACS. It was great .We wouldn’t rush back ,but we loved climbing ,sitting,standing, checking out the portipottis in all the different campervans . I bought a set of plastic glasses and a microfibre bath robe from the best saleswoman ever …when I showed an interest she said “try one on ,I’ll get you a small”. Just look at me – I have never been small ( even as a baby ) , so I laughed and said I wanted to try on the largest one she had in stock , and she said ” ooh you’re like me- we have long arms” – she was a size 10 .I loved her , so bought a turquoise one . Then we had supper with John’s family and drove home .

Today we’ve been invited out for a late lunch .I love a lunch,late or otherwise .It seems a bit decadent and the wine just seems to slide down .Even better ,we are going to New Maldon , the other guests are coming from Amersham and so we get picked up en route .I’ve just put my finishing touches to my chocolate and cherry trifle a la Delia .It could get messy

..the painting of modern life

I went to see the Lowry exhibition at Tate Britain today .
It’s silly but I usually take the long way round ,looping round and going in the front of the building , so I don’t walk past Chelsea College of Art .But today I couldn’t .The main entrance is a building site and so we all had to go in the side entrance .The Chelsea students opposite must think I’m a bit mad as I stare at them and I sort of freeze .I can see Rosie there – although I never actually did see Rosie there .it really is quite tough .
But ,the exhibition was good , with some really beautiful stuff .They hadn’t included any of his more creepy pieces – just gone for the mainly well-known paintings . Three days til it closes ,so half of london were there .

16.10.52

Up with 1. the sea 2. walking 3.train journeys 4. nature ..is 5. being up high and looking down on wherever it is I am above …and that’s what we did yesterday .MPW at the top of The Cube was fab and then we walked along the canals to Birmingham’s new architectural delight – The Library .We went right to the top and looked down and across at The Cube where we had just been .I could stand and gawp for ages .It seems the new buildings are made up of lots of shapes and pattern .Google The Library and you’ll see what I mean .

Then it was back to london for GBBO .Just before the programme I predicted Becca to go and next week, Kimberly to win .Watch this space .

Today the stone in my heart is weighing a little heavier – it would have been Jane’s 61st birthday , and we always did something special.

I still get excited by stations evn though it’s 30p to use the facilities

Eid Mubarak

John and I are celebrating in style in Brum .We are eating at the top of a Cube with our dear ( and not seen often enough ) friend,Ian.I know.
I only work part-time ,but it seems very decadent ( and lovely ) having a Tuesday off and going on a train journey .Up with ‘the sea’ and ‘walking by ( not on ) water ‘ is a train journey .

Couldn’t think of an East

This week I’ve been….

South -Got the train to St Leonard’s .The last bit of the journey is beautiful as the track hugs the coastline and takes you right past Graham Norton’s beach side residence.

North ( ish ) to our dear friend Ali ( looker after of Jacob while we got spliced )’s fabulous,relaxed, chatty,funny,gastronomic 60th birthday bash. I still find big gatherings hard .

I guess it’s because I don’t know what people are going to say/not say and at times my sadness overwhelms me and I can feel a bit ‘trapped’.Maybe it is getting a bit easier to be in large social situations ? Today was good .We ate like kings and laughed like hyenas ( and with my posture ,probably looked like one ) and I felt very protected by Ali and Andy ,especially because they were glad we went and acknowledged all the good and also painful times we have gone through together .They were our first friends in Ealing ,so knew all 3 children from the day they were born.

Then tomorrow it’s

West ( Ealing ) …tea with 120 others at Soupy.

Love ( again )

It’s been a week of celebrations in Dwyer Towers .

On Monday , Augustine ( Kenyan Ace director ) ,Dennis (Kenyan Ace deputy Director ) and Lizzy Epsley ( UK Ace Director ) all came to supper .Margarida Villas-Boas (Head of Ace UK Fundraising and Marketing )was meant to be coming , but sadly was poorly, so couldn’t make it .

Then on Tuesday Florence trained it down from Glasgow and Natchat drove in form north of The Uxbridge Road …

and the reason …

Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of John and I marital union. I remember 25 years ago- Jacob was bundled off to Ali and Andy’s as John and I stepped out in the pouring rain ,having had a humdigger of a row as there was no hot water left for me to have a bath ,and then tied the hot of the palatial surroundings ( I jest ) of Acton Town Hall .

We have experienced both deep joy and deep sadness .We have held each others’ hands and propped each other up . We love each other deeply. We both wish we could turn the clock back .We both yearn and pine for Rosie .We both seek help from different people at different times. But we have such an enormous overpowering love for Jacob and Florence ..and then for life and for nature and for people and for stuff….that ,even with a broken heart , life can be very very good .

But now the reality –

The Ace Directors are over for 10 days as they have loads of meetings and there is a big gala dinner on Wednesday night ( which sadly coincides with parents evening where I work ) , and we wanted to repay some of their wonderful Kenyan hospitality

Florence is home on a flying visit as she has a meeting at BA tomo.

Nat came to see Florence

The Drowned Man

Having relinquished all our worldly goods to the cloakroom attendant and having stuffed our cloakroom tickets down one side of my bra and a twenty pound note down the other ( neither of us had any pockets ) , my friend Jane and I set off ,hand in hand into the darkened 5 floor labyrinth of the fictional and often creepy, ‘Temple Film Studios ‘ . We were ushered into a lift ,handed our white pointy ( creepy ) masks ,which we were instructed to wear at all times and where people were pushed out at different floors , then left to wander in silence and advised to split up . We didn’t , we kept holding hands and I loved it , but God was it weird . We walked in forests, in operating theatres ,in the desert ,in bars ,in film sets, in trailer parks, bedrooms,boardrooms, small towns .We witnessed 2 murders , the most fantastic bar-room hoedown-which ended in a huge brawl, and dancing on top of a series of caravans ( given me new ideas for when we go away in the camper-van ) .Then about two and a half hours in ,we found the bar ( which we had been looking for , since about fifteen minutes in ) .It was brilliantly well hidden .Once there I dug out my warm ,incubated twenty pound note and we drank wine while watching an illusionist and a cabaret act in the set of a nineteen fifties night-club .The attention to detail was superb. Then suddenly we were told the bar was closing and we were asked to leave. I don’t know why ,but the 2 cabaret singers jumped off the stage and made a beeline for Jane and I ( oldest there ?), then grabbed our hands and told us to run ( joke – I hobbled ) with them .They then told us to climb on a pile of boxes for the best view ever .We did and it was . The whole cast of forty ,then did a final dance .It was fantastic – electric-alive-fun-happy .It’s always a good sign ,if I don’t a performance to end , and I really didn’t want it to .But of course it did .The cast ,the dancing , the set ,the atmosphere was some of the best ever .Then Jane and I hopped on the train and in fifty minutes we were back here for a supper and sleepover .

It’s in a warehouse in Paddington

Feeling a bit flat ? Then go and see a film about a man who near dam kills himself .That’s what John and I did on Thursday night .We went and saw ‘Rush’ ,the movie ( not the mat ) .For someone who knows nothing about Formula One , but remembers the era ,it was a good film . John stayed awake and I heard every word ,plus loved the music and the tension , so for us ,it was a job well done .
Then last night we were invited out to pastures new ,New Maldon – a bloody bugger to get to on public transport , so I drove there ,we tossed the coin to see who was going to drive back ,and I won ( then felt very guilty – for all of about 3minutes) .
Today I’m off to see ‘A Drowned Man’ – not literally .It’s a 3 hour promenade performance where we all wear masks ( and hopefully clothes ) .I’ll probably get separated from my friend and won’t understand a thing , and won’t be able to tell the actors from the punters , but I like stuff where no-one has a clue as to what is going on .

BB

Am I the only one that hasn’t watched ‘Breaking Bad’ ? Lorna was the first person to mention it and ever since I’ve heard nothing but great stuff about it .

I hate to admit it ,but I’ve never watched a DVD ( apart from the ones of Rosie ) at our house .Does anyone have the first series I could borrow ?

Thanks

Is just me that finds it spooky the date that review was written ?

Have kept busy and done lots of ….
Celebrating -Auntie Grace’s life, Nanny’s 89th birthday ….
Walking – Bushy Park with TCF, Kew Gardens with a friend. Chilworth ,with a new walking group ,who actually asked me to come along …..
Welcoming – three new lovely Danish ( so they are practically family ) students …
Watching – ‘Strictly ‘( a double edged sword as I love it but as you know ,it was the last programme I watched with Rosie ) and ‘Through the Keyhole’ ( Keith Lemon does make me laugh although I think to most people, he’s a pain in the butt )
BUT reading has become a problem again – I just can’t seem to do it .

Then a dear friend bought me a book .When I was with her in a bookshop in Holborn ,I picked it up and had a glance .Unbeknown to me she went back and bought it and then gave it to me .It is titled ‘In Memoriam – Poems of Bereavement ‘.

I have never really understood a lot of poetry – I went to the sort of school that killed it, left me dreading it and feeling a bit inadequate when reading it .

But now ,certain poems just resonate .This one in particular sums up how I feel .It was written by Adrian Mitchell,who I have since googled .On Sunday 21st December 2008 , Michael Kusow in the Guardian wrote ”Adrian was a natural pacifist, a playful, deeply serious peacemonger and an instinctive democrat. and once said – “Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.”.
This is it :-

DEATH IS SMALLER THAN I THOUGHT

My Mother and Father died some years ago
I loved them very much.
When they died my love for them
Did not vanish or fade away.
It stayed just about the same,
Only a sadder colour.
And I can feel their love for me,
Same as it ever was.

Nowadays, in good times or bad,
I sometimes ask my Mother and Father
To walk beside me or to sit with me
So we can talk together
Or be silent.

They always come to me.
I talk to them and listen to them
And think I hear them talk to me.
It’s very simple –
Nothing to do with spiritualism
Or religion or mumbo jumbo.

It is imaginary.
It is real.
It is love.

Do you remember when we went back to the car ,someone had smashed my window ?

Thank you to my dear friend Julia ,who sent me the most beautiful photos of all our children playing at the Cotswold Wildlife Park around ,19 years ago .It’s funny but when I see photos such as those – it takes me right back to that exact moment in time . I can even remember where I bought the children’s clothes- except I probably didn’t ,as Jane bought most of them .

My cousins Hugh and Alan are the only 2 Jolowiczs in Australia

Grace’s funeral yesterday was beautiful .The theme running through it was ‘Love’.
But the bit that made me laugh out loud was when her youngest son Philip( my age ) told the story of how Grace took him and his friend ,both aged around 11 ,to see the musical ‘Hair ‘ .They had no idea of the show they were going to see and were confronted with full-blown nudity and the audience singing merrily along to ‘Sodomy’ .
For anyone who doesn’t know the musical ,google the words – there aren’t many of them and it’s guaranteed not to be the next high school production

Then post afternoon tea in the church hall , 17 of us went out for a slap up Italian meal , and raised our glasses…and more glasses…and more glasses to Auntie Grace .It was very fitting for the youngest Brown ( although she became a Jolowicz )

Nairobi

The siege in Nairobi is horrific .
It is making my blood run cold as we have been there .Just over a month ago ,we were driving back to Nairobi from Naivasha ,to send one night there ,before flying to Lamu . Jacob and Florence asked George if there was anywhere we could stop to buy 35mm camera films . Amongst all the mayhem and traffic jams in the central Nairobi Streets ,he pulled into the Westgate Shopping Mall , they jumped out and he showed them where the Kodak Shop was. They bought their films and we all left .At the time we thought nothing of it ( except that it was a good stop-off as the films were so much cheaper there ) , now it has such poignancy .Those poor poor people.

Yesterday

Whilst John was out hanging wallpaper in someone’s house ,as part of a community project , a friend took me on a magical mystery tour of London’s Open Houses .Most people go to the big ones- No.10 Downing street, The Bank of England,The Shard etc .But not us .We started off in a pod-shaped toilet cum art gallery and museum in the grounds of St Anne’s Church Soho and ended up in the British Library – which actually wasn’t on the list ,is open anyway , but we needed the toilet ( sadly ,this one didn’t double up as an art gallery ) . In the middle of all that we went to Camley Street Natural park ( not on the list ) , The Skip Garden ( also not on the list ), Caravan ( definitely not on the list cos it’s a restaurant ,but recommended by Adam Watson for brunch -we loved it so ,we returned a week later ) did a tour of the United Grand Lodge of English Freemasons ( on the list ) – it was like a cross between……being in the throne room of some amazing palace….being on a set of the Harry Potter movie…looking up at a naff Sistine Chapel celing…..being on a 1930’s cruise ship .It was sumptuous, decadent, beautiful ,yet garish and I don’t really understand what it is all about .Everyone was very friendly but it just felt a bit odd.

Then I met John for the ‘post decorating and gardening community project’ barbecue and then we both went and met the most beautiful,cute,funny,affectionate ,new addition to the Fletcher Family -Woody …an 8 week old adorable Jack Russell puppy. It’s very tempting……….

Grief is Love

If on the 57th month anniversary of Rosie’s death you have 16 minutes and 48seconds to spare today ,please watch this film ‘ Say their name’ .

I hope it may provide an insight into the devastating experience of the death of your child or sibling and why it hurts so much when friends you have known for 25years and who knew Rosie all her life , choose to ignore you at a party or a festival or in a local shop .Their actions intensify the feelings of sadness and loneliness .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GS9z3dwMhZs

Thank You Bert for the photos .The first on safari in 2004 , the second outside our front door ,and the third with Georginina ( which became her name after the night of ‘The Pickering Blind Date ‘- the TV show ,not an actual one – she was about 8 at the time !).

We found her diaries from 1964

I’ve framed my kangas .Not the big full sized ones – although I do have a photo of Jacob wearing one ,while leaning up against a tree with the waves ( and donkeys ) lapping behind him .Although he looks rather fetching , he’s not quite David Beckhan in his sarong – but my little postcards I bought in The Lamu Museum . They are so beautiful and romantic ..as a man in a Swahili speaking country will give his beloved , a pair of kanga as way of an apology ( much better than a Lidl’s nut bar or the latest edition of the Screwfix catalogue ,I think ) .So I bought a pack of postcards and have painstakingly spent the night framing them .

I just felt I had to do something creative and John had to do something DIYive as it was quite a sad old day and sad old days make us weary and wimpy . This morning ,John ,Tommy ( Grace’s Grandson ) and I cleared out her room and went to the undertakers to sign the cremation authorisation form . Then we dropped Tommy at his house, picnicked in Burnham Beeches ,came home and then both smashed some glass ,not deliberately of course …Johns was a £7 Ikea light bulb and mine was an A2 sheet- Now I’m worried what the third thing going to be ??

Perhaps Jacob and John could sign up too

We might be 400 miles apart ,but on a Tuesday night ,we are all at it . Pottery has resumed and Florence has joined the throwing,squeezing, glazing brigade albeit in Glasgow – I bet hers pots are better than mine ( not difficult ) . Even Jack Whitehall was at it last night .

Talking of TV which I do cos it is such a great form of escapism , did anyone see ‘The Midwives ‘ last week ? It is not as cheesy as ‘One Born Every Minute’ , and last weeks had me all of a dither .It featured a pregnant woman who had Achondroplasia , the staff at St Mary’s Manchester would not be able to detect if the baby had the same bone growth disorder , until the final scan . The final scan was filmed and yes the baby girl did have the same genetic condition .The maternal grandmother of the baby was interviewed , she said she did not realise that her baby had Achondroplasia until she was around 6 months old .My mum didn’t realise Jane had it ,until she was about a year old .I don’t know why ,but it made me feel very sad for all of them all cos at times it made life so dam difficult.

My coccyx doesn’t feel quite right

If you are anything like John, you have watched the Tour de France , followed by the Tour de Italy , followed by The Tour de Spain followed by the current Tour de Britain . With this in mind ,and one for keeping up with current trends ( not ) ,today I took a group of my students ‘Companion Cycling’ http://www.companioncycling.org.uk/cycles.htm. It was brilliant .I’ve done it once before about 6 years ago , and now they’ve got an adapted bike with a ramp on the front , so someone in a wheelchair can be pushed on in reverse and then their chair clamped into place and with someone strong , experienced and confident they can fly like the wind .Unfortunately there wasn’t anyone strong, experienced and confident ,and so they had to make do with me . There were only a couple of hairy moments , one when a small child and his scooter parted company right in front of us and once when i forgot to change down from fifth gear and couldn’t make it over the hump back bridge .I don’t think Laura Trott’s got anything to worry about . ( but I did turn a few heads in my Day-Glo lyrca )

Tune in

Many of you may have had this email , but just in case you didn’t……

“Dear Ace Supporter,

We are all hugely excited at Ace Africa about our BBC Radio 4 Appeal, presented byDame Judi Dench, this Sunday. Please do make sure you tune into BBC Radio 4 onSunday 15th September at 7.55am and repeated at 9.26pm. The appeal will be broadcast again on Thursday 19th September at 3.27pm. Please do share this with friends, family and colleagues.

We are very grateful for Dame Judi Dench’s support. Please do listen. We very much welcome any donations to the appeal, supporting our work with children and their communities in rural Kenya and Tanzania.

With very best wishes

Ace Africa UK”

back to the drawing board

On the grounds of health and safety I’m not going to it .
I’m having doubts about coping with my lit nipple tassels . I’m OK with the splits,acrobatics,hula hooping and false eyelashes , I just have a fear of fire .( I wouldn’t mind but I’ve completed my Co2, electric ,gas ,other burning stuff ,extinguisher ,course )

In a rut

I’m off on a course tonight .Actually it’s not really a course more the theatre ‘House of Burlesque’ .But recently I’ve been thinking of a change of career ….

Auntie Grace

I hope it wasn’t my last story about the Kenyan baboons that did it but last night, Auntie Grace died peacefully in her sleep .

Auntie Grace is my Dad’s younger sister . She was down to earth ,a retired family-planning nurse married to Bobby Jolowicz, who amongst other things, was a theatre critic. She has three sons,Alan and Hugh who live in Oz and Philip ,who is currently working in Dubai. Yesterday I told her about Kenya , about Jacob , Florence and John ,about Caren in Bungoma and then we looked at the photos of her sons and Grandchildren .I’m not sure how much she took in ,but at times she tried to talk to me – hope she wasn’t telling me to shut up ! She took sips of cranberry juice,ate a little bit of Cadbury’s Whisper and dozed a lot.

I loved her dearly.

I also love the name Grace .My Mum’s name is Grace Joan Brown .She loathed the name Grace and called herself Joan .She even called me Rachel Joan .I loathe the name Joan . Rosie is Rosie Grace . Florence is Florence Rachel and Jacob is Jacob Patrick – I only wish we’d slipped the name Jane in there somewhere ( probably not in Jacob’s though )

She didn’t get it from John or me

Funny how things happen …
Today I had been to see Auntie Grace in her old folks home and was driving back ,when Beyonce’s ‘Crazy in Love ‘ came on the radio …and it took me right back to an exact moment in time around April ,nine years ago .The huge coincidence was I was in Auntie Grace’s Gerard’s Cross flat at the time, having driven Grandma there from Croydon. We were having lunch ,when my mobile rang – it was Rosie. She was distraught and could hardly speak .Between sobs she managed to tell me that she had failed the dance audition for Artist Theatre School’s choreographed dance routine to ‘Crazy in Love’ for their upcoming show .All her friends had got in . I was so upset for her . I wanted to hug her/punch someone/be with her .As I left that morning ,she had been in her PJ’s practicing the routine in our kitchen .I’m not just saying it, but Rosie was a lovely dancer – she was free spirited, and moved beautifully – I could watch her for hours .I really felt sorry for her .( I’m no fool , in the grand scheme of things ,it was nothing ).But at the time it meant the world to her .
After hearing that song ,I drove on in a bit of a blur .

I feel a U Tube clip coming on

‘Now we’ve got holes in our hearts, yeah we’ve got holes in our lives
Where we’ve got holes, we’ve got holes but we carry on’
I keep singing that bloody song ….all round Kew Gardens, Richmond Park ,in the fish and chip restaurant ( even though I got the night wrong – one true friend stuck with me and we’ll be back there again in a couple of weeks -on the real night ) and I’ve considered printing song-sheets for our friends who we are eating with tonight esp cos Jane can sing and she can bang a mean tune out on the guitar ( we can just jig in the background )

Then there’s Strictly

Bad Education – that’s not a reference to being back at work , but the first programme I’ve seen in ages that made me laugh out loud . I know if you don’t watch it ,this is a complete yawn, but the part in this weeks episode where Matthew Horne as the Head Teacher appears in those yellow speedos was enough to make me choke on my Giant Choc Buttons .

It’s really rather pathetic ,but when I’m feeling a bit low and I have something good to look forward to on the TV ,it cheers me up a bit and the day becomes a bit more bearable . So what with B.E. and The Great British Bake Off and Phil on Location ,Location,Location …I’m having quite a good week .

Then today ,on the radio I heard Holes by Passenger .A complete cheesefest of a song , but lovely words ( I think )

Summer 2013

I’m feeling a bit sick about going back to work .

You know the type ,not actually throwing up ,but stomach churning and feeling nervous and icky and a bit apprehensive , but knowing it’ll all be OK once you get there .Sadly ,my lovely reliable, kind, generous and like me ,damaged ( her husband ,Pete, died ,4 months before Rosie – we used to call him my twin as he was born on the 15th March 1958 ) artroom assistant has left to work in another school .I will miss her dearly , especially our hugs and tears at the end of the day .We were good emotional props for each other .But …I’m sure I’ll be given someone else lovely and kind who will help me with displays and stuff .

In my head ,I apologise to Rosie before saying this , because it is not the same without her and I would have forgone all of it to have her here … but this summer has been amazing .Of course the weather helped ,but I am lucky enough to have done some wonderful things with some kind ( I go back to that word a lot – as to me ,it matters more than anything else ) , funny , adventurous people – I’ve campervanned in Eype and Hurley , bed and breakfasted in Whitstable ( eating at Wheelers and Jojo’s , walking to Herne Bay, swimming in the sea , watching the sunset at The Neptune Pub) , had days out in Worthing, Broadstairs , Eastbourne and Cambridge, barbecued like crazy , ate and drunk far too much and been to Africa with the people I love most in the world …

I am still pinching myself about that trip .I loved it,loved it ,loved it .I would like us all to go back – do more, see more ,care more . So last night , around eleven , I picked up 3 Italian students , the Africa money-box has re-opened.

Then there was the football..the skipping…the sundowners

Little Johnny is 57 today ,so we are celebrating in style at our old riverside haunt – Hurley .

We are taking our new BF – the Lean Green Mean Machine , the memory foam mattress ( takes up half the storage space but is great for our backs ) the scrabble, the bbq ,the portipotti , the beers etc etc .Not sure if is possible to play rounders with two people , so it might have to be boules .

We have such happy memories of that place- esp Rosie and Helen at third base , not watching the rounders game , and just as Mathew Kyle hit a six and ran like crazy to get a rounder, were no-where to be seen as they were sitting down having a chat as some-one threw them the ball at them to get him out ( either that or they’d returned to the picnic to get more scooby-snacks )

Sometimes it’s hard to cope with stuff

It’s all gone quiet .

Overnight ,Florence has Megabused ( hope she gets a seat not too near the toilet ) to Amsterdam ,to hook up with Jacob .

But I had a bit of a ‘moment ‘ on the train yesterday when I thought I might not get back in time to see her and say good-bye…

After a wonderful day on Eastbourne Beach with Theresa,Elodie and Amelia , we packed up their beach-hut and they dropped me at the station .All easy-oozy .I was happily reading my book ( The Beach , funnily enough ) and looking forward to my Florence’s themed Vietnamese dinner , as the night before Natalie had taken her on a ‘Jamie Oliver Vietnamese Street food Cookery Course ‘, when the train came to a halt . Thirty minutes later and we are told ,there has been an accident ahead and a person has been knocked down by a train , and we all have to get off , we are miles from London. I feel sick .Not only because I worry about not getting home before Florence leaves ,but also as I have two friends whose sons have died under the wheels of a train – I think of them ,my head spins ,I feel sick , I try to hold in my tears .I fail miserably.

I could go on and bore you with my ,bus,bus,train,train,journey home, but I won’t .Suffice it to say ,I got in at 7.30 ,we ate and then I drove them to Victoria Coach Station and said my fond farewells there .

I wish I didn’t spend my time wishing I could turn the clocks back.

It really is called a R&R bed- it’s not me trying to spice-it-up

While Jacob jetted off to Zurich ( he has a sound piece in an exhibition ) and Florence partied at Notting Hill ,John and I entertained in our camper van .Two friends , who are thinking of buying one ,came round, and we all piled in , got the ‘rock and roll bed ‘ out , tested it ( leaving the door open as tony is 6’5” ,so it was a bit of a squeeze ) and got admiring looks (?) from our neighbours ,who obviously now all want to join our special club .

I love our camper van , but it’s still not George and his open topped Toyota .

maybe I shall start doing the lottery , but then again , not, as Jane did it and got so fed up when she never won anything

Just downloaded my photos onto the PC ( I lie- Florence did them for me ) .
There are over 1,500- even John got bored and threatened to walk away .
Little children and elephants feature highly .Coming third are shop fronts – Jacob’s favourite is ‘Digital Butchery’ – you should see the shop . My favourite is ‘Vatican City Restaurant and Hotel ‘- which is 3 pieces of battered corrugated held up by a huge black plastic butt with ‘car-Wash’ written in white paint on the side
I am going to edit ,print and put 200 in an album.That’s a job for next week .
For now I’m working out when we can have more students as I ( we ?) so want to go back

Simon’s Poem

Thank you Bert for choosing this photo, because this is the exact same one that is hanging in the Ace Offices in Bungoma .It is as if Rosie is looking at you ( not just you Bert – I mean anyone who is looking at it ! )

Now …

here is the poem written and expressively read out to us by The Southend Academy Student ,Simon Bahat , on Friday 2 August 2013

Dreaming Big

I saw the light dimming.
I thought I would be dreaming.
Infact, I almost stopped dreaming.

Waking up in the morning spell
yawn…that is what I spell
surrounded by lack of knowledge,hunger
that is hell

Hunger for food
Thirsty for knowledge
grounded for good
No one to acknowledge

Mama anything to eat ?
Stop it, just wash your feet.
Papa, on foot again
Yes child nothing av gained.
There was no light
but why ? I had to fight .

But I thank god is all the past.
The action in the community environment came fast.
I don’t have to do a mandatory fast
I saw the light dimming,
I thought I would stop dreaming
Now I see the light beaming
Yes now am dreaming…big

With the art school I’ve discovered myself
With the knowledge installed I am a self help
What can I say…Thanks to the dwyers
Much thanks to you Rosie, you made this happen.
I wish you were here to see
What you made just spread like sea
Oh that’s God’s plan.
May you rest in eternal peace

footnote
and as he finished ,Florence leaned over to me and whispered ‘I didn’t see that coming’ and we both had a little weep

And finally

Now for the emotional side …

I realise how privileged we are to go on such a wonderful trip especially at the times we saw extreme poverty . At points I felt very guilty about everything we have and felt I had to explain we had saved hard by taking in lodgers and working , but no-one ever resented what we had , they just demonstrated gratitude , love and interest – which was very humbling …because of course if Rosie hadn’t died ,we wouldn’t have been there .

But we were there ,and she was with us – every dam step .

This may sound silly ,but nature grounds me . It is life-affirming ,it makes the inside of my head feel peaceful, it allows me just ‘to be’ . As I stood up on that open-topped van looking out at the most beautiful landscape and wildlife , I felt Rosie near me.

But, I’d still do anything to give that all up and have her back.

Part III

A week ago we said fond farewells to our friends – there was lots of talk of drop-boxes, facebook pages and other techy stuff and then we all headed for Nairobi in our vans , only to stop at 2 more viewing points ,for yet more farewells , dropbox chats, family photos looking over The Great Rift Valley etc. They were a great easy-going crowd , with far more equipment than us . We called our van ‘Carry On Safari’ , while they were more the David Attenboroughs . I think we were the only van who tried travelling standing up while…not holding on /surfing/doing zumba – tricky when you’re going down a 1 in 2 slope ! They headed off to Zanzibar , while we headed off to the paradise that is Lamu .

At first in was something out of a James Bond movie .Our little plane landed on Manda Island , other little planes continued to take off and land around us . Abdullah picked up our little bags and ran with them to the jetty .In 5 minutes we were on a boat whizzing across the Indian Ocean and then dropped off on a jetty on a beautiful beach ,right outside our hotel – The Peponi ( a huge thank you to Ali and Andy for recommending it – we all agreed it is the best hotel we have ever stayed in ) .It was paradise in a ageing hippy boho sort of way . I felt Lamu was a cross between a little Greek unspoilt island, Marrakech , Zanzibar and Mecca .It has no cars ,everyone has donkeys or boats and is predominantly Muslim .Most local woman are clothed totally in the black niqab and the tiny alleys of Lamu town have become a world heritage site -it is stunning, relaxed ,but not artificial – it is a real working island .

There is nothing between The Peponi and the beach .We went to sleep and woke up hearing the sea . We were lucky enough to be there during the season the turtles were hatching .So by 7am on the first morning we were on a boat which took us over to Manda, up the Mangrove Creek , where we were dropped off ,then waded through ,to meet the elders from The Orma Tribe ,who took us over to the beach and explained the how they are striving to conserve the 2 most endangered species of sea turtles on earth – The Green Turtle and the Hawksbill Turtle . Then they drew out a pathway on the sand towards the sea , dug deep ,and out came 70 plus tiny turtles that had just hatched .It was wonderful .The little creatures waddled the 4 metres down the beach and launched themselves into the sea .Hopefully around 50% will survive and then in 25years time make their way back to that very same beach !

We celebrated Florence’s 21st with all the staff at Peponi banging saucepans,clapping,singing and dancing .They baked her a fabulous white and dark chocolate cake. Then we spent the next couple of days exploring ,swimming,snoozing,reading,playing scrabble, doms and contract and looking for Jacob who went missing just as we about to be taken out on a boat to see the sunset -no probs , a local ,Cosmo ,took Florence and I round the island on his boat looking for him .Once found ,we all headed to Manda where John and Cosmo waded off , got beers ,and then we sat in The Indian Ocean watching the sun go down .One morning Jacob and Florence went out fishing and then Jacob gutted their catch of Barracuda and Red and White Snapper and the hotel cooked them for our dinner . We drank classy cocks, Tuskers, Kenyan wine and ate far too much .

Then we came home , and Florence and I went to Soup Kitchen .

Part II

The adventure continues .

From Nairobi , we are picked up by our van driver for the week ,George, and by day three we are all in love with him as ,not only is he a great driver ,a mine of information ,a cool character but he was the only one to spot the elusive leopard . (Although Jacob did have a very close encounter with one on the first evening ,as he followed a warthog into the bush ).

On the first lunchtime we meet our party , nineteen of us in total ,and on the first afternoon we were walking with zebras and giraffes , and on the first evening we were all drinking in the bar – nuff said ,everyone got on great . We stayed in amazing small lodges in game reserves .I can see now why William got all smoochy and proposed to Kate in one ( maybe they had George as a driver ,hence the choice of our future kings name ).In Samburu the elephants and giraffes came right up to the invisible fence just outside our room .In The Ark in Aberdare we tried to stay up all night to watch over the watering hole .In each room there is a coded alarm call for when a (big ) animal is at the watering hole .Sadly that night ,none came , no alarms went off and so no-one appeared in their jim-jams while playing with their big lenses ,but still John and I still got up at 4am to see the beautiful Water Buffalos and the hyenas who were continuously hunting the Black-Tailed Mongeese .It was so peaceful – just us two and Daniel ,who worked there ,and told us all about the animals .
Seven eighths of the worlds flamingoes live at Lake Nakuru- but not last week ..because of the previous weeks heavy rain, the plankton level has changed so they have buggered off to Kensington Roof Garden ( or similar ) -so we didn’t see many there .Although we did see two black rhino .But when we went out on a boat on Lake Naivasha ,we chugged past loads basking hippos – no plankton problem for them . That night our stay in separate lodges by the lake was unique .We were told not to walk to the bar/restaurant by ourselves ,but to dial reception for an escort .I thought this was them being a bit precious , until our guy came, clutching his hyena-basher ( apparently you just bash it against a tree to make a loud noise ,if the hippos come too close ) and in the virtual darkness steered us around the hippos and the giraffes.They were on the paths right outside our lodges- absolutely bloody amazing .The giraffes didn’t really move and you could almost walk under their legs ( not so advisable with the hippos ) .
Finally we went to The Maasai Mara .It was hippo central .Our lodge was on the banks of the Mara ,you could hear them and, from Jacob and Florence’s room , see them .The game drives were breathtaking – lions a plenty .We came across a pack just after a kill ,eating the fresh wildebeest .The way they ripped the guts out with their teeth was as if they were eating spaghetti . We watched them drag the poor old wildebeest to a fresh spot, prepare the ground, then cover their tracks .We saw cheetahs , we saw families of lions and cubs playing and we saw thousands and thousands of wildebeest migrating .We saw crocodiles and hippos lying in wait for them in the river .

We crossed the equator twice .met the Samburu and the Maasai tribes ,laughed a lot and taught The Norwegians Contract Whist .

Part 1

We’re back ..and yes it was an OMG trip of a lifetime …it was all bloody amazing ,at times heartbreaking, at times decadent , at times like being part of a David Attenborough documentary ( we saw those Wildebeest gathering at The Mara River ), at times scary -as one of us was diagnosed with Malaria- and we got rather too close to some basking hippos for my liking … always different and constantly jaw-dropping .But i’m aware that hearing about peoples trips can be like hearing about their dreams – a bit dull , so I’ll keep it shortish.

It really was a trip of three thirds .

We flew to Nairobi and then on to Kisumu where we were met by 4 of the Ace Africa Team. After a proper Kenyan lunch ( no cutlery ) of spiced Tilipia and ugali on the banks of Lake Victoria , we were taken to Bungoma , stopping to look at a couple of projects on the way – a factory where youngsters were being trained to process soya beans into soya milk to distribute to those children who are not getting enough nutrients and then after collecting the ice for storage we delivered the milk ( this happens twice a week ) to another project- a sort of orphanage . I cannot begin to describe the welcomes we got .The children hugged us the women hugged us – they showed us their goats ,their shed ,their toilet . It was a very moving and humbling experience .We then checked into Bustani Cottages with the lovely Rachel and her artist husband, Robert.

The next day we went to The Ace offices and met the team .We all spoke, I broke down and then broke down even more when I saw the photo they have of Rosie on their wall .It was taken at John’s 50th .She has that orangey satiny dress on and is smiling straight at the camera – it blows me away that deep in the depths of Kenya her smiley face shines out .We visited a local school to see their anti jigger ( an animal that burrows into the feet of the bare-footed children and causes untold damage ) campaign . We saw nurses carrying out voluntary HIV tests and counselling .The six year old children sang to us a couple of songs .One was somewhere along the lines of ….”These are my Private parts , private parts ” with actions to match .Another song about not contracting HIV ( not quite Old Macdonald had a farm ), with the jolly chorus ‘My mother died of it ,my Father died of it ,so we have to be sensible.”Then after lunch it was our visit to the Southend Academy .Of course Jacob and John have been there once before , but I think for all of us it was highly emotional .The tree Jacob planted in 2010 is growing and the children swarmed round us .They were holding an exhibition of artwork of current and ex students and the work was beautiful,original and made from scratch .They taught me how to make clay – which of course I shall be introducing at Hanwell Community centre pottery Classes ( not sure if I can find a river with the right stuff to scrape off the bottom ) . Then we sat on the field and the whole school came out and danced for us .They were amazing – the costumes, the songs ,the choreography , their painted faces .Of course we pulled ( some needed less pulling than others ) up to dance with them .The whole experience was up there on my ’emotional moments top ten’.Then Simon read a poem he had written .When I can bring myself to read it again ,I shall type it out for you . Then speeches and photos and talking and then that universal language – football . Jacob bought them a football ,but the garage blew it up so hard he had to tell them not to do any headers ! The atmosphere was amazing .

On Saturday we visited a household that has benefitted from shelter, counselling and jigger-eradication .It was a very sad case .The fathers’ jigger infestation had caused him to become very confused , he couldn’t work and his rural community turned against him , he lost his home ,his dignity and his sense of worth and belonging .Thanks to Ace he is now jigger free and once again accepted in his community .

In the afternoon ,Jacob and I visited Caren Wangala’s home. She has done so well and is planning to go to university in September to study Teaching Training with maths as her specialist subject . Caren with her mother, sisters and brother lives in a very rural community – where they have never had white visitors before .They fed us like kings – chicken, potatoes ,white and brown ugali , rice .All the members of the village came to look at us ,they stood at the entrance to the room and watched us as we ate .Jacob rode one of their bikes ,while Caren showed me her Father and Brothers’ graves .We gave them gifts ,her little sister,Sarah, was so moved when she opened her huge tin of pencils, sharpener and sketchbook,she cried silently .We talked ,they showed me their home ,I was introduced to all their neighbours and when we left ,they gave us 2 presents .A huge bunch of bananas ,straight from the tree, so heavy took 2 people to carry it …..and a live chicken !.That night we dined with The Ace Team and then it was back to Kisumu to fly to Nairobi .As we left ,Robert gave us one of his paintings .

It was a very special few days

Kenya here we come

OMG this time tomorrow we’ll be on a plane flying from Kisumu to Bungoma .

I’m doing everything but packing .

There were only 2 teams

I don’t really get why my team couldn’t get my mimed clue for ‘doner kebab’, . After all I was twisting round ,pretending to carve and acting out sprinkling on the chilli-salt. I guess it didn’t help I was under a pink sheet ,with not even my hands on show .

Florence has added a new fourth ‘ put a sheet over your head and only use your hand to get a name/place/food or drink/book or film out of the bowl ’round to ‘The Bowl Game’ …The success rate was pants .Our team came second overall

Unlike the ’round the table ,winner chooses an added dimension to the next round while John rigs up better lights than Wembley Stadium and Jacob wins nearly every round’ table-tennis game .

Ryan’s added dimension was the best- Unless actually hitting the ball ,you had to sing and dance to Elton John’s ‘I’m still Standing’ , while moving round the table BUT if you clapped you were sent to the Sin Bin ( Arnold’s bench )

A new book by fathers

If you have The Ealing Gazette , you can read Paul Clabburn’s article about the piece he has written in a new book released by Cardiac Risk in The Young (CRY) , about his grief and feelings after the sudden death of his 14 year old son,Tom, who was just 14 . I have mentioned Tom before as he was at the same school that Rosie did her A’levels and he died just a year before Rosie . Forgive me for repeating myself , but when other bereaved parents articulate their feelings ,it makes me feel ‘more normal’ , less isolated and not just like a sad wingey old ratbag who writes drivel on a blog .

He writes ‘It is impossible to comes with the death of a child, especially if it is sudden, and the associated feelings of guilt, bewilderment and overwhelming loss. Life carries on with a Tom-shaped hole in it’s fabric. Sometimes it rips further, sometimes it is less frayed, but it’s always there. It’s there in a way I accept, yet occasionally resent.” He goes on to write ” If Tom died when an imaginary clock struck midnight, it’s still only a couple of minutes past to me.For our friends of course,it’s five years on .That can’t be helped, that’s reality.”

That is just a snapshot of what he wrote, but to me it all rings so true .He also mentions how fantastically supportive some of his son and daughters’ friends have been – better than some adults.

But at the moment things in Dwyer Towers are OK .Jacob and Florence are home .We have a new barbecue .Yesterday I discovered the beauty that is Cambridge Botanic Gardens – knocked spots off the Oxford one . We’ve eaten with friends three times this week and I’ve had my first cuppa in the garden every morning .In the sake of sounding cheesy , I do count my blessings .

It’s a cruel random thing

An email from my friends , whose daughter ,Gillian ,died of Meningitis B
Dear all

Please help by signing this petition

Alice and Bryan
www.beat-it-now.org

I dream of meeting again

I went to a very beautiful funeral today . It was a service to celebrate the life of Kathleen Bridget O’Malley , known as Kath. Kath is the sister of my dear friend Theresa ,who many of you know , and who sang at both Jane and Grandmas’ funerals . The service was conducted by Father Bartlomiej Dudek , a Catholic Priest.

Last Thursday at work it was our Leavers’ Records of Achievements Ceremony .Every student has their own individual tribute, given by a different member of staff .Like most schools in London it is multi-cultural and multi-denominational and the ceremony is non-religious .

But at both celebrations the same poem , a Traditional Irish Blessing ,was heard. At Kath’s , it was sung magnificently by Theresa .At work it was read by a Muslim member of staff for a Muslim student

” May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind be ever at your back,

May the sun shine warm upon your face;

and the rain fall soft upon your feet

and until we meet again

may God hold you in the palm of His hand .”

I LOVE the photos with Georgina and Holly- thanks Bert

He did it !

John cycled into Dunwich Beach Carpark at 7.05, looking like Chris Froome and having had only 1 puncture and managing to stop for a bacon buttie en route . He looked fresh and smelled fragrant ( I lie ) . Caroline and I were there to meet and greet him , then take him back to Shirley-Ann’s for a full English .It was cloudy and cold and the sea was choppy ,but while John snoozed on the beach , Caroline and I went in for a swim …which is poignant really as the photo that Bert has chosen of Jacob,Rosie and Florence is taken on that very spot on Walberswick Beach .We have had some wonderful times there .

The Dunwich Dynamo ( in case you want to google it join it and make it 3,000+1 )

John and I have a secret assignation tomorrow morning at 5.59 am in the car-park ,just behind Dunwich beach . Sounds romantic ? Well it isn’t .But it is full of hot sweaty people in lycra ,drinking beer,lighting up barbecues, swimming ,lying down exhausted ,queuing for ice creams/full English/the toilet etc ( and that’s just me ,having driven 3 miles from Walberswick ) .At around 8pm ,think of him as he meets up with 2,999 of his closest friends at ‘The Pub on The Park’, London Fields, Hackney and starts the 170km overnight cycle to Dunwich,suffolk.

* the book, NOT the magician

It got a bit messy here this week – literally .One too many litres of Bacardi were opened in our ‘Mexican/Italian fusion farewell to Florence’ night and the upstairs carpet suffered as a result of it – no Dwyers or residents of Ealing were to blame ( which narrows it down a bit ) .

Meanwhile – while Jacob basks in Copenhagen, Florence swelters in Glasgow and John sweats in Greenford , I cried in Bermondsey . I went to see ‘The Color Purple’ a la musical mode..I thought it was fanbloodytastic .I just about remembered the story having read it years ago – but it all came flooding back .There’s just something great about gospel singing isn’t there ?

Talking of which we discovered a wonderful cafe – ‘The Putney Pantry ‘ today .It is part of St Mary’s Church – the inside of which is really beautiful .We were so bowled over by the place so one of the chefs gave us a guided tour ,showing us it’s little river-garden, it’s roof terrace and telling us the whole history of the place …….it was The Putney Church in Charles Dicken’s David Copperfield * and it was the headquarters of Oliver Cromwell’s army during the civil war . It’s twin church ,north of the river was the one used in the film ‘The Omen’ etc etc .Apparently people travel miles to see it and we just stumbled across it on a very hot TCF river walk to The Wetlands Centre .

Sadly true

Rick Parfitt in Status Quo – I never thought I’d have anything in common with him ,but sadly I do . I read this in last week’s Guardian .It may sound silly but it breaks my heart hearing his pain.

”I’ll never forget the day my two and a half year old daughter, Heidi, died in the swimming pool. I sat on the lawn with her after pulling her out of the pool .I sat on the lawn with Richard ( his son ) beside me and he said ”I’m sure I just saw her hand move Dad” and I said ”You didn’t ” We were just waiting for the ambulance .Just sat with her in my arms.It was terrible,terrible.And that was that .I went off the rails and poor Marietta ( his wife ) stayed at home and I was away .Management at the time did say to me ” Look , do you want to tour?” and I said ”yes, I do .”. I also remember Cliff Richard coming up to the house one day and saying to me ” She was too good for this world and God wanted her back” which was complete and utter bollocks.I didn’t quite get what anyone was trying to say to me .I had priests come up the house.None of them made any sense to me at all. My little Heidi’s gone and you’re telling me God wanted her back .Well. I wanted her here .I ran out in the garden one night, going out of my mind , and I ripped my shirt open .I looked up and I said ”If you’ve got Heidi let me know, will you ? give me a sign”

And of course you don’t get any .Life went on and you learn to live with it, but you never get over it .Never.

in 1999 we hoildayed at a campsite in Roses ,Spain,but never made it past the local tapas bar -look what we missed out on

I’ve foamed my advocado salad ,I’ve blow-torched my cous cous ,I’ve cut my dry iced figs into letters that spell PUD , I’ve marinaded my calves brains in Pepsi ( didn’t have any oak aged apple blossom vinegar ) I’ve lit my disposable barbecue -Ferran Adria and the 5 Italian lodgers will be very impressed .

Now it’s time to crack open the Buckfast and Iron Brew .

No prizes for guessing we went to see the exhibition ‘elbulli: Ferran Adria and the Art of Food’ yesterday

I’m not being cruel , even Jo said she did.

Adam,is it open yet or is that an ‘artists impression’??

Still got a house-full here .Our five lovely Italian students have cooked us dinner ( some spaghetti thing ) , made pudding ( a huge tiramisu that they polished off for breakfast the following day ) and mojitos -which i thought was the best I had ever tasted -then they told me I’d drunk mine before they’d added the mixer !

So today Florence and I retreated to the peace and tranquility of Worthing Beach .We had the whole space between two groynes to ourselves , the reason being ,most other people couldn’t get their mobility scooters over the shingle . We have had lots of happy happy days there with Grandma,Jane ,Jo ,Jacob,Rosie,Natalie and Amy -the sheepdog -who looked just like her owner ,Jo .

One team was inappropriately named Herpes, until I realised there was a fold in their banner and they were in fact called Hermes !

I don’t see a laurel wreath and then 23 come along at once .Yesterday I spend the day at work making them with my students in preparation for today’s Olympic themed sports day. Then last night at The ‘Kew The Music’ festival ,Debbie Harry came on stage dressed as Kew Gardens ,complete with a huge laurel wreath on her head . She was fantastic – what a face ,what a voice , ,what a tight fluorescent orange dress ( her not me ) what a picnic ( she doesn’t get any credit for that – we took it ), what a firework display,what a sing-song on the 65 bus home.

* we weren’t tempted

It was cousin Robert’s 60th birthday party on Saturday and we lost John – which was pretty difficult ,as were were on a narrow boat chugging along The Thames from Caversham to Shiplake ( we were aiming to get to the edge of The Henley Regatta ,but the queues for the locks were too long ,plus we got gounded on a sandbank plus we took too long over lunch in the pub ) .It was a fabulous day – there were 12 of us , a rehoboam of champagne, wine,strawberries,cream,cake, a flask of coffee and some long life milk ( not a priority ) a speech, a trip down memory lane to the spot where Geoffrey nearly lost his finger in Shiplake level-crossing and a fabulous skipper-John who once found -with his headphones on listening to the rugby at the back of the barge -took the wheel /helm/rudder/controls on the return journey .

Then yesterday ,along with half the population of the South of England ,myself and 3 pals hit the beach at Broadstairs .The 9.05 train from Victoria to Ramsgate was heaving .I was dispatched first to get a table ,while they got the coffees and scooby-snacks – felt sorry for the people who had to stand ( not so sorry we gave up our seats – they were all young and fit ) .We walked from Ramsgate to Viking Bay, but there wasn’t an inch of space left on the beach .Luckily the tide was out so we walked around the headland and discovered an near dam empty beach , so we snoozed, rockpooled, paddled and stared .Then it was sundowners and dins on the terrace overlooking the beach and the skinnydippers *.

Two lovely days- sometimes I am very fortunate.

A fair exchange ?

Last night I finished reading ‘The hundred year old man who climbed out of the window and disappeared’. It was OK .The beginning was good ,the end was good ,but it sort of lost it’s way in the middle .I think I put off finishing it as I told myself that on completion I would read the next book on my Kindle – which I only bought as

a) when we go away we can only take 15kg luggage

b) in the camper van there is only so much room for John , me ,2 head torches and 2 books ..in a 4 foot bed

c) when I’m unable to sleep ,I can read on it without disturbing John ( unless of course he is snoring ,then I can bash him with it ) .

But now I have to follow written instructions and read manual type thing and that’s very hard with a coddled brain .

So if any one has one and they’d like to pop round and give me a lesson – I’ll make them a pot .

Aaah

After the boiler ( yes Sally ,it’s that white metal thing on the wall ,that we all ignore when it is working and curse when the little flame thing goes out ) gave up on us, Virgin followed suit and did the same ..right in the middle of Mumford and Sons at Glastonbury !

Resulting in no tinternet,phone or TV . So you can imagine what a happy and fragrant household we were .

So now I’ve got a moment ( when i’m not reading manuals ,phoning call centres and weeping ) ,I’ll answer the questions…

Florence is home safe and sound …so we all made it to Nat’s lovely 21st Birthday Party.

Meeting The Ace Crew was great .But to be honest ,when they start showing us photos and talking about the projects, the children,Rosie’s Artroom ,I just get so emotional ,I can’t really take it in .

All we know is she’s passed Preston

I’ve had a bit of cultural enlightenment tonight – young Italians don’t like Jersey Royals .Shame cos I steamed 2 kilos of them ( Potatoes not Italians ) .So they’ll get them fried up in olive oil tomorrow.

Meanwhile …somewhere on the M1 Florence languishes in the luxury that is The Megabus in a traffic jam .Should have been at Victoria at 7.30 .Hope theres not a Stu,Holly and Ryan Amsterdam coach toilet incident

We keep running out of glasses

Our House ( not the song by madness ,but actually our house ) ,goes something like this ….last Thursday around lunchtime we were expecting 3 female 20 year old Italian students .I went out to see Adam’s exhibition and to play bingo, John was at work so Mike our next door neighbour was put on red alert .I came home ,house is quiet and John ,plus 3 male 18 year old Italian students are all tucked up in their respective beds . Over the weekend 2 female Italian students end up staying here as they are having a horrible time with their host family ,who have imposed a curfew ( out of the house between 9.30 and 15.30, then must be home by 10pm – I have never heard such nonsense before ) . I speak to the girls ,they are understandably very upset .Last night they move in with us . Ciro ,the Italian manager of the agency brings them , he’s in a rush cos Italy are playing Spain at 8pm .We watch the football – 14 penalties and Spain win ( not good when you have 5 Italians living in the house). They are from Florence .Florence comes home tonight .Now I’m confused.

National Express – now there’s a good song

As a disgraced Lance would say ‘ it’s not about the coach’ …unless of course you’re Jacob ,who as I type is on one – in fact he’s on it for 22hrs as he whizzes down to Marseille …or Florence who has a 12hr Megabus delight home to London on Friday …or me who is hacked off that ‘Coach Trip’ has been replaced by a pathetic ‘Brendan’s Magical Mystery Tour’.

Just off to a pub in Wimpole Street to meet some of The Ace Africa crew who are over from Kenya – bit of a change from Bungoma.

Now it’s time for a drink

Today I got promotion – Maitre de /head of front of house ..or whatever you want to call it ( but NOT sommelier ) ….at Soup Kitchen .

I’d like to say things went smoothly , and apart from the soiled chair, the aggressive rant and the 3 people asleep who couldn’t be woken ..they probably did .But that’s enough about the volunteers, all the punters were great

Great stuff to look at and think about

I’m no film or art critic ,just know what I like and what I think’s good .

1. Michael Douglas in ‘Behind the Candelabra’ is brilliant and deserves an Oscar/Golden Globe/Soap Award

2. Dulwich Gallery’s exhibition -‘A Crisis of brilliance 1908-1922’. All artists were studying at The Slade together and all , except for the wonderful Stanley Spencer , had pretty tragic endings . Google Mark Gertler’s ‘Portrait of a Girl wearing a Blue Jersey’ and ‘The Fruit Sorters’ – lovely

Especially the salsa ones

The day got better

I went up to Central St Martins- wow, what a beautiful building – it must be an amazing place to go to college .I bet there isn’t one student who hasn’t got drunk and run through those fountains . Adam Watson – as well as being one of the loveliest men alive , you are a genius . He showed me his portfolio and one of his final pieces- I was blown away by his skill, creativity and the beauty of his work .The fashion industry is a better place having him in it .

From there I went and met some friends at Jessindeedy’s ‘Musical Bingo’ at Drinkshopdo . Top trumps round for me was the final one ‘songs from the musicals’ .Everyone was singing like crazy and then all of a sudden we found ourselves swept up by the people at the next table ( average age 25 ) , who pushed the tables back and started the dancing . The whole place was jumping .

(I think I impressed them all with my zumba moves )

Jess asked us if we wanted to come to her next lunchtime one – maybe she was worried about our blood-pressure ( or knees)

So true

”Still looking for words That say something

Where you look for the people Who no longer say anything

And still finding words That can say something

Where you find people Who can no longer say anything?”

Erich Fried

Why the poem ?

I popped into Waterstones today looking for a book on ‘Birds ‘ as I can now tell a Coot from a Moorhen from an Otter ( not a bird but they put on a magnificent display for us , so I feel they deserve a mention ) and I want to extend mine and my students knowledge .Yesterday ,I took a group to The Wetlands Centre,- if the whole world was organised the way Wetlands is ,it would be a better place – accessible, clean, beautiful with friendly,kind and helpful staff and volunteers . Anyway ,while in Watermans I saw this book for sale ‘The Son’ by Michel Rostain and it’s brief review . “It’s a short story, but not one that is enjoyable or comfortable to read. It’s about a subject that no parent wants to experience. The death of their child. It is such a well written book and I would say that it’s an important book for those dealing with a bereavement. ” Then I read more ,his son died of Meningitis .At first I thought they’d got the name wrong , it must be Michael Rosen – but it is not .Now I have to decide whether to read it or not .

The bird book was parked and I left in a dither .

They have this wooden gazebo thigey ,with lights that give off heat ,so we were out there all day -even in the rain.

After Brucie and Friday night’s fabulous’ Some Like it Hip Hop’ , I was a buzzin ,but if I’m honest , a bit nervous about spending a day with people I don’t know too well ,but have been very kind and supportive to me since Rosie died. But I shouldn’t have been .John and I had a wonderful day .Mary and Tony picked us up and we spent eight hours in Ros and John’s beautiful garden – barbecuing,drinking,eating,talking ( deep stuff at times ) and laughing .

It was a struggle to get up this morning and I was all over the place in Zumba – not a pretty sight !

May I feel your arms around me May I feel your blood mix with mine A dream of life comes to me

Father’s Day – another tricky one .

But ,our jaws are on our chests and our minds are blown ,with the phenomena that is Bruce Springsteen .

Last night John and I walked up the road ,caught the 83 bus and went to see him at Wembley Stadium .He excelled himself ( not John-remembering his Oyster card ) ,but Bruce. Three and a half hours of boundless energy, humour ,warmth , singing .He got 2 very lucky women up on stage to dance with him and plucked one little boy out of the audience ,to share the mike with him and sing ‘Hungry Heart’ .The whole audience was up dancing and singing – the atmosphere was electric .No Beatle appeared, but he ended with ‘Twist and Shout’ ( which he wasn’t able to finish last year ) and then as his band left ,he thanked every one of them individually and came back on stage and sang ‘Thunder Road’ on his own with his guitar and harmonica .

But, concerts aren’t easy .Being in crowds isn’t easy .It unnerves me a bit and a I feel a bit lost emotionally – at times i want to run away and hide .I hold onto john and we dig-deep together .But the biggest thing is ,Rosie loved Bruce Springsteen .She had loads of his stuff on her ipod and when I look at those young girls dancing ,I just see her and I feel so sad for her .

I know it’s a shock , John and I shopping together

John and I only went out to buy some light bulbs and a picture frame , but we eneded up having afternoon tea. You know the type – a cake stand with tiers where you pick it up with the handle at the top .

We had scone, butter, raspberry jam, apricot jam, a cup-cake, a truffle, a toffee cookie,a marzipan cake ,a bakewell tart and two ( re-fillable) cups of coffee…all for £1.99.

That’s Ikea for you .

Then we spent £250 on candles

I don’t think she could eat them after that

Apart from my family , the thing from Denmark we all love is their Salty Balls . We get to taste them over there and sometimes over here , although lately we’ve been treated to the chilli and cocoa dusted ones. So my ears pricked up when today I heard my Walberswick breakfast buddy,Simon Mayo interviewing someone from Scandinavia ( because due to their TV detectives, all things Scandinavian are very popular ) who is an expert in liquorice .Apparently they love it and we hate it ( unless you happen to live at 106 Coldershaw ) and do you know what the secret ingredient is ? Answer : Ammonium Chloride .

I’m sure I did something with that and the chemistry teachers’ sandwiches.

Funnily enough , our first-night campsite neighbours followed us across the field later the next day

Other than just after the first time John and I had a chicken and spinach balti in Adil’s Stoney Lane , Thursday night was the worst wind I have ever experienced . Maybe it had something to do with the fact we put the awning up after the first glass of vino or that we had never put the awning up before or that we were camping near the edge of a cliff or that there were 40mph gusts of wind . Anyway ,we woke up at 2am …scared .The earth was moving ….as was the camper van as was the awning as were our nerves . We woke up at 7 to find the awning was still attached- just .So in 45mph winds , we attempted to move it to the more sheltered side of the site .Looked easy- until John let go of his side ,a huge gust of wind took it and I was blown backwards and disappeared from view , then there was an enormous crack .I couldn’t breathe,I couldn’t see , I was on my back ( think ,woodlice when they flick over ) …so I did a quick self-assessment -I hadn’t fallen off the cliff ,I hadn’t broken any bones ,I couldn’t see or hear because I was completely engulfed in the awning .But what were those distant hyena sounds I could just about make out ? John in hysterics of course ..

Then the weekend just got better , we walked over huge cliffs , ate wonderful food, played boule, scrabble, barbecued , people-watched ( campsites are the BEST places for this ) , cycled (John ) , lay on the beach ( me) .If I had one teeny weeny niggle , it was that I didn’t go in the sea ,as I didn’t have a ‘quick-dip,splash around,gawp at everyone on the beach’ buddy and i just don’t like going in on my own cos i feel a bit of a twit.

GDLM for short

Anyone want a kitten ?

Black and white and very continental ( well their owner is Italian ).

We are taking the Green Dream Lean Machine ( not my pet name for John ) down to Eype, Dorset on it’s 2013 inaugural outing .Everything’s packed…beer ,wine, wet-wipes ,head torch , scrabble ,25 tog duvet etc .The portipotti has been scrubbed and chemical’d up , the bikes had its’ tyres pumped up ( again ,not John’s pet name for me ) and the Mintoes are in the glove compartment- along with the gloves, woolly hat. wellingtons , thermal vests etc. So if you do want a black and white pussy ,you’ll have to wait til Monday .

..and it has an electric awning

I knew it would be sad ,and it might have been stupid ,but a friend ( another bereaved Mother ,whose 17 year old son ,Jonathan ,tragically died 5 days after Rosie ) and I went to see the play ‘The Match Box ” at The Tricycle Theatre yesterday afternoon. And yes it was sad ,but no it wasn’t stupid ,as to see a play ( written by a man ) about a woman whose young daughter dies suddenly , and then her describing /displaying her post traumatic emotional fall-out , made us feel quite normal and had the rest of the audience in tears and up on their feet by the end.

Thank you to Jane and Roy for feeding us like kings and making us feel very loved and protected last night. Also for giving us the pure unadulterated joy of sitting in their 5*camper van and letting us play with the fold-down wash hand basin ( which is above a proper toilet which is in a wet room ) – heaven .

Thank God for my big lungs

Quiz question , what’s got 528 steps up ( and 528 down of course ) and involves Whispering ,Stone and Gold and has a fantastic view at the top ?

Clue ..it’s not the Shard when the lifts aren’t working .

Of course it is good old St Paul’s Cathedral .John and I hotfooted it right to the very top yesterday .I haven’t done that sine 1994, when I did it with Jacob and Rosie , while John ,Jane and Florence ( who was probably crying as she was left out ) waited at the bottom in the crypt cafe .I remember it well ,as right at the very top there is a square of glass which looks straight down over the central floor of the cathedral , and Jacob was the only one brave enough to stand on it .

John and I then rounded off the day with sundowners on the 5th floor of the Tate Modern , looking back over the river at the beautiful dome we had just climbed , followed by a fab Thai meal to celebrate Claire ( my big balloon saviour ) ‘s birthday

Jane Rosemary Brown

On her birthday we buy Rosie a Jo Malone candle .Once it is gone she gets a Sainsbury’s one .

Today it is lit for Jane and Rosie . I cannot believe it is 11years and 364 days since I said my last ever words to Jane . Sadly, she was dealt a bum hand .

Oh and we went to Westonbirt Arboretum too

Thank you to my lovely friend Fiona who whisked me away to The Cotswolds for a mid-week,country inn ,gastronomic mini-break. We did all the usual stuff – walked ,talked , crossworded , suduko’d( her not me ), ate too much , drank far too much , visited Charlie’s Highgrove produce shop at Tetbury , scrabbled, scrambled , swerved to avoid the hundreds of cows that roam all over Rodborough Common , visited a winery and slept like babies.It was a really special ,thoughtful treat.

The Travel Scrabble is packed

Yesterday , before going to see Auntie Grace ( still weak but perked up a bit ) en route to see Nanny and John’s family ( all hale and hearty ) in Brum ,I woke up early ( as usual ) and finished my book .I’m not expecting any cheering and clapping, although inside I’m a little bit pleased as my sad and scrambled brain hasn’t allowed me to read one for about 8 months.My choice, was pretty predictable really – the number one best seller in the paperback-cheesefest-charts ‘Gone Girl’ by Gillian Flynn. For me , it was a page-turner , but a bit like one of those essays you wrote at primary school – full of twists and turns and promise ,then a stupid ‘I can’t be arsed to work out the end so I’ll tie it up in a couple of sentences’ ending .Now I’m about to embark on ‘The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared’ by Jonas Jonasson . I find if it helps to read if I’m in role – so I’m wearing my Scandinavian thick patterned jumper and chilling my Schapps.

The weather is lovely , so today we are barbecuing with friends and tomorrow a dear friend is whisking me off to The Cotswolds for a night in an olde country pub .

**They’d been to sell-off-the-stuff-cheap-day at The Chelsea Flower Show

They just get better and better . I think yesterday was the sixth time I’d seen them and they never fail to make me laugh and cry and sing and clap and jiggle and tap . Declan and I went to the 160 strong London Gay Men’s Chorus ,Summer Concert – ‘Heroes’ .It was wonderful , with the added bonus of 5 very different drag artists coming on just before the interval , and culminating in a roof-raising chorus of ‘I’m Getting Married in the Morning ‘ ( one of Grandma’s favourites ) David Bowie’s ‘Heroes’ and Erasure’s ‘A Little Respect’ . As usual Declan and I felt a little left out as as unlike most other people ,we didn’t have a brother,partner, father ,cousin, uncle,friend,colleague in the choir ..so we had no-one to wave to and so they could give a sneaky little wave back . So we decided to make one up . We went into role as the proud parents of the good-looking ,smiley young man in the second row ,who I called Evan .Pity we didn’t confer as Declan had adopted Roger who was in the front row ,who was very expressive but didn’t use his hands much .Then we went out to eat and drink in Sloane Square and once again felt very left out as we were the only ones not carrying a huge Aspidistra ( or similar ) .**

Tanzi might pop up in 24hours in A&E, as I think Kings College is the nearest hospital

In the words of Frank Sinatra ‘Isabella,Isabella, so good they named it twice ‘ ( except it doesn’t really fit ) , so I’ll just sing this in my head ‘Isabella ( Plantation ) ,Isabella, so beautiful ,I’ve been there twice in 2 days”. My God it looks amazing at the moment .All the Rhododendrons and Azaleas are out , the fluffy ducklings are all swimming around in circles ,the stepping stones are uber slippery and the ponds are full and lush .Yesterday ,Max the dog ,Archie the dog and twelve of us from the TCF went walking – four of whom are newly bereaved mothers .One ladies little boy,Oscar , died very suddenly on the 9th December,Rosie’s birthday , so I shall never forget him . Then today I went there with Mary and Daisy the fouteen week old dog – very well behaved for a Richmond Park Virgin ( Daisy NOT Mary ).

Then tonight’s little adventure south of the river to Elephant and Castle has been cancelled as Tanzi injured herself and had to be taken to hospital . We were meant to be going to The Southwark Theatre’s new home and see their latest production -a musical ‘Tanzi Libre’ which is set in a boxing ring and the story is told through dance,song and boxing – I feel an end of term school production coming on .

Phew

Jane ,it involved Digital Dave and one short on the head count on the return mini-bus journey .I’ve no idea how you avoided being in the male showers at Gurnell Pool , I always seemed to be in there , fishing someone out ( although NOT Digital Dave ) .

The Ofsted Report doesn’t come out for two weeks – which I’m sure you’ll all be itching to read – and I don’t know if I’m officially allowed to say , but it wasn’t satisfactory and it wasn’t outstanding – so work out wht’s in the middle . Luckily this time I managed not to lock myself in the artroom cupboard when the inspector came to give me my feedback. Last time all she could hear was ‘help ,let me out’ , as I stood there with the adrift knob in my hand ( again no reference to Digital Dave ) .

They’re here

I’d rather be in a tent with Florence at The Knockengorroch Festival than in a classroom at St Ann’s with an Ofsted Inspector.

PS- Jane …do you remember than incident in the male shower in Gurnell Pool ?

he fooled Penn and Teller you know

This has been an odd /difficult/emotional/funny sort of weekend .

John and I had made no plans as we wanted to take The Green Goddess ( our VW campervan ) out on her 2013 overnight maiden voyage .BUT ,as we are fair weather campers and as it is so dam cold at night , we abandoned that idea and gave her a run out to Cliveden instead . Cliveden looks fabulous at the moment . We coffeed in The Orangery ,gawped through the windows at the rich people having posh lunches, walked down to The Thames, lingered at the boathouse where I have such happy memories of Jacob,Rosie,Florence and Jo Williams , paddling in The Thames and collecting Minnows in our Ikea plastic cups, got lost in The Maze ( new ) , empathised with the grounds men in The Water Garden ,as their pond has also gone a murky shade of green and so no longer can we see their Koi Carp ( me, one fat goldfish ) and then I got a phone call …from my cousin Philip ,in Oman ., telling me his Mum, my Auntie Grace ,is not too well. So John and I abandoned our walk to Bluebell Woods and hotfooted it over to Grace’s Old Folks Home , and just sat with her ,held her, talked to her .

A few weeks ago we were invited to a cheese and wine evening at St Paul’s Church ,for all the volunteers .We’ve never been to a social there, and I guess ,me being a non-believer , felt a bit like I was there under false pretences ( although I do not think anyone at the church feels like that, they are a very welcoming, hospitable and inclusive ,lot ). But because last night we were feeling a bit flat and sad – we went , and boy was I glad we did .There was a great atmosphere ,plenty of people I felt safe talking to, lovely wine,cheese,coffee and chocolate, funny speeches and then entertainment , who only turned out to be my ‘all time international fave ,northern ,ex-copper turned comedy magician ‘ John Archer .He was brilliant and funny and just what we needed.

Now I’m just off to spend the afternoon with Grace .

We all do strange things

Thanks Elena for your donation .I think that Justgiving donation page can be a bit confusing as the ‘fill in your name and message’ pops up at the end ,after you’ve confirmed the amount donated – I think it should pop up at the beginning .

Sarah kindly sent me this link today – read it .It’s very moving but positive and heartwarming too

http://throughacceptinglimits.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/hakuna-matata-on-a-sunday-afternoon/.

A few years ago I took my class to The Lyric,Hammersmith , to see the pantomime .To be honest it was a bit too arty farty for my students .We wanted more boos and hisses and cheesy pop songs and less references to James Barrie . Anyway I sat myself between two of my most challenging students ,both far advanced on The Autistic Spectrum . All was quiet ,all was still ( as was I ) as one had fallen asleep on my shoulder and the other ( 19 year old male and over 6’2” tall ), had reached behind and was happily fiddling with the elbow of a middle-aged lady sitting in the row behind ! She sat there frozen – I think she was in shock.

Footnote: In my experience ,a lot of young people with ASD like flapping the bingo wings of another person , or fiddling with the skin of another person’s elbow .It is often the case at work ,I find a little hand creeping up the sleeve of my T.shirt ( then I think it’s time to leave the staffroom and go back to class )

he got his parcel- it didn’t sit on his next door neighbours table for 3 days

Today I’ve written 3 lists- lost one, one went in the recycling bin ( prematurely ) and the third one has all the mundane stuff ticked off so now to the nice stuff , which means a large R&C and to write this old drivel, followed by roast dins and a steamed pud .

Well In the last twenty four hours I’ve gasped,strolled and celebrated …..

Gasped……. at the amazing international troupe of six circus/burlesque performers’ production ‘Limbo’ in The Speigeltent on The Southbank .One contortionist bent back so far over himself it was if he was going to snap in half . But the best act was three guys strapped to three tall poles positioned around the edge of the circular raised stage .Initially they swayed gently and as they built up momentum , the poles( and them ) were bent over about 90 degrees , so at times they were on top of the audience .It was breathtakingly brilliant and original .We’ve never seen anything like that before.

Strolled……through the beautiful blanket of bluebells in Kew Gardens

and

Celebrated … our wonderful son, Jacob’s 25th Birthday , even though he is 273 miles ( if you take the coast road ) away.

I love lists

I love lists , in fact I love lists so much ,last night some friends and I went to an evening at Foyles Bookshop, called ‘I love Lists’ .It was run by the fabulous Jessindeedyand as well as eating and drinking and bonding with people at other tables, we wrote lists . We were obviously all advanced on the spectrum .Some lists were easy -10 habits to rid myself of .Some lists were singalongey-10 songs to make you happy .Some lists were tough -10 happiest moments of my life .But the one that everyone went crazy about was – 10 things other people do that annoy you ……top trumps were – sniffing, snoring ,gobbing, throwing litter etc etc but the one that sent everyone into a frenzy was ‘mobile-phone etiquette ‘- people talking really loudly on their phone right next to you ( esp on the tube ) , people that you meet for dinner or a drink and immediately put their phone down in front of them and answer every call and text without apologising ( different if they advance warn you – that they are expecting an urgent call or someones ill etc ) , as if you aren’t there- why don’t they just check their phone when they pop to the loo or something ? , people talking on their phone while being served in a shop, people who photograph their dinner …….It went on and on .

Then we all put our lists ( and phones) away and staggered home

You can’t beat a big Dutch Souvlaki

The bike’s home ! I picked it up last night from St. Paul’s Church .Everyone made it except our lovely friend Darren from Soupy . On the second day ,his pedal caught on a bollard and he came off – resulting in a trip to hosp and a pin being put in his finger .I feel for him , it must be a huge disappointment not to finish the trip .

John however sounds happy ( if you can read ‘happy’ through texts ) .Jacob was there in Vondelpark to photograph them coming in .Then on Monday night they all( 40+) ate together and went to a couple of bars- the atmosphere must have been amazing .The last text I had from John was around 9 last night ”Done loads of stuff today .Just thinking about where to eat .The place we were thinking about is probably no longer suitable as we spent longer than expected in the brewery.It might be kebabs ”

My new bible- Benedict le Vay’s ‘Britain from the Rails’

Sunday Times Travel 05.05.13 Page 8 ”Tights,Camera,Action- Cycling is now officially cool ”

That’s why I go walking .

Saturday was what I call a ‘Mr Wemmick’ kind of a day ….we missed our train to Wrabness, got the next one ( no hardship ,time for coffee and scooby snacks at my favourite station – Liverpool Street ) .Walked from Wrabness, along the banks of The River Stour , to Mistley – supposedly the most haunted village in Britain – took the wrong path ,missed Mistley ,but walked back along the river to Wrabness .Missed the hourly train to Mistley ( just at the point it pissed it down ), so got the train the other way to Harwich .Harwich looked like a dump ( plus it was still raining ) ,so stayed on the cutesy-hug-the-River-Stour-Mayflower Line and went back to Mistley . Saw the beautiful Robert Adam Church and graveyard where the horrible Matthew Hopkins,The Witchfinder General ( hence the ghosts ) ,is buried. Drinkies in The Mistley Thorn , train to Manningtree, Constable ( the painter ,not the local constabulary ) Country, train to Liverpool Street ,to find there was still no Central Line .Hot bath.

The boy’s doing good

The first and only text from John at 16.09 .I think the ferry sailed at 17.00

”made it to Dover, 97 miles..Had one blow-out and three punctures !! Had to get a new tyre form a bike shop in Orpington. Having a coffee in a pub !!!

A culinary cycling poem

flapjacks ( with added sultanas for extra va va voom ) in oven

golden syrup, with sealed lid,on work surface

flapjacks out of oven

tipped into bowl

golden syrup added

flapjacks back in oven

probably be pants

will anybody notice

or will they still be trying to get their feet out of their shoes out of their cleats ?

postscript: No performance enhancing drugs were used in the making of these flapjacks ( I’m saving them for my long walk )

songs

Lots of stuff going on in my head …

Today ,the 3rd of May , is Grandma’s birthday . My dear old Ma was born in 1921. It is also the day the Madeleine McCann went missing in 2007. Sometimes ,in my dark times, I think of Kate McCann and what she must be going through . I fear she might be in an even darker place than me , and she carries on .So I suppose for me ,she is a bit of an inspiration .Today on AOL news it popped up “Madeleine McCann’s bedroom remains the same six years after disappearance’. Made me cross really – they are dammed if they do and dammed if they don’t .Rosie’s bedroom is more or less as she left it at around 11am on Sunday 21st December 2008 – the books she was reading are by her bed , her birthday presents in a bag ( including the bomber jacket I bought from a charity shop which she said made her look like a prostitute ) and the felt-pen writing on the wall .At the moment her room is also stuffed with all the pictures from ‘We Cluster and we Stick’ plus the pictures from our kitchen,hall,stairs and landing ,which we took down when the wall was knocked down .When we are strong enough, we shall start putting them up . Doing new stuff ,making decisions is never easy .But once the pictures are out of Rosie’s room , it will be ‘her’ again . I never go in there without apologising to her .Apologising for what happened and apologising for not being able to look at her pictures- it makes me so so sad.

I know I said I don’t believe in the supernatural , but just sometimes I feel Rosie is with me , nudging me , and this is going to sound silly, but never more than when I hear Kings of Leon ‘Use Somebody’ . It came on this morning , just as I was thinking of Ma, Jane ,Maddie McCann and John cycling to Amsterdam, but funnily enough, not about Rosie .I like to think she is with me ,giving me strength and holding my hand .

Jane was in my thoughts as last night I saw ‘A Chorus Line’ and I’ve told you before about ‘the feet on the ladies’ shoulders in front’ incident. I knew every dam word and my friend told me I was singing a little too loud in …”Nothing, I’m feeling nothing,” And he says “Nothing Could get a girl transferred.” They all felt something, But I felt nothing Except the feeling That this bullshit was absurd!

Don’t pretend you don’t eat Frosties

Now I understand why Jacob jetted off early yesterday wearing his ‘Tony the Tiger ‘ Onesie. Everyone had to wear Orange as they lined the streets/canals/porn-shops of Amsterdam to say farewell to Queen Beatrix as she stands aside for King William-Alexander.

Meanwhile..back at the ranch ..it’s a no-cycling, carb-loading kind of a week .So no lifestyle changes for me then.

If you don’t believe me,feel his thighs – they are like rocks !

To those of you who have already kindly sponsored John , I send you a big fat thank you .

For those of you who don’t know……John is cycling to Amsterdam next weekend .He is doing it for Rosie , who is in his heart,mind and soul.

Please watch this 90second video Jacob made

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0AUQFmhawQ&feature=youtu.be

and sponsor John on

http://www.justgiving.com/John-Dwyer3

It means a lot to us ,but more to the children of The Southend Academy ,Bungoma

If plums aren’t in it ,what is ?

Stu – 2 quotes from that reliable website ‘Chortle’ …

“Fresh Meat is set to be adapted for the big screen, co-creator Sam Bain says.

A third series of Fresh Meat will air later this year, while there are also plans for a spin-off about female students after they graduate.”

But what Josie , she transferred to Southampton to to dentistry ( their gain, Manchester’s loss ) ?

Andrea , sorry we didn’t hook up but it was a whistle-stop twenty six hours in Lincoln . We packed loads in – Jacob’s film . the galleries , sundowners on Brayford Pool , dinner ,pub ,dominoes ,huge full English , Cathedral , Steep bloody Hill ( about 10 times ), plum bread and Wensleydale cheese and was about to leave when we were held up by ( new best friend? ) Ed Miliband . There are to be local elections in Lincoln so he was talking to the masses ( about 50 us ), of which about 49 of whom worked for Lincoln Ambulance Service – so I pity anyone that needed a speedy blue-light vehicle.They had no chance . I won’t get all political – I’ll just say , he was better looking and nicer spoken than he is on TV and was wearing jeans and a navy blue waterproof coat ( extra political points for not wearing clothes that clash ) . He smooooozed the audience by remembering peoples names and giving them claps and metaphorical pats on the back .He answered the questions a la textbook but didn’t say anything radical or inspirational .Did I like him ? Yes .Is he a suitable candidate for Britain’s next PM ? No.

That coach trip couldn’t have been easy

Thank you to Rosie’s friend,Ruby ,and her partner Vikky , who while working in Mombassa took an 18hour coach trip to Bungoma to visit The Southend Academy . Last night they came to supper , to share their stories and show us their photos .Rosie’s blue and red plaques are still there and there is one picture of her in the classroom .The students have produced some beautiful art work and their new teacher is a young man called David.It was a very special trip that they made,a lot of effort they went to and means a lot to us .( although I was slightly disappointed Vikky didn’t bring us any footage of the popping of ‘the boil’ ! ).

Today Jacob,Florence ,Freya and I are going on a mini-break to Lincoln especially to see Jacob’s film in the exhibition ‘The World is Almost Six Thousand Years Old’. I’m very exciting , I love a good old root round a new city .

Happy families( ?)

The fatted calf has been slaughtered ,the beers chilled in the fridge ,the Honeycup Mustard replenished – The Prodigal Son has returned to the fold ( albeit for 6 nights ) .I think four and a half months is the longest I’v gone without seeing him .It is lovely to have him home -now he’s gone to the pub .

Prodigal Daughter jets in tomorrow , then we’ll all be together so I can feel safe .

We are both so rock and roll-not

You spend your life waiting for one St Dunstan and then two come along at once. I was in St Dunstan’s Chapel on Thursday and then a friend who knows I love secret places in London , took me to the beautiful St Dunstan in the East Church .The site houses the ruins of a bombed medieval church and Wren Tower but a garden has been planted in ,around and up it , with a water feature in the middle .It is so beautiful , peaceful and atmospheric ,you wouldn’t know you were a stones throw from The Tower of London.

Then on Saturday evening another friend took me to see the film ‘Good Vibrations’ – the story of Terri Hooley and his Belfast record shop , who in the midst of all The Troubles , helped put Punk on the map and discovered The Undertones .Afterwards my friend told me ,her husband had been a roadie for The Undertones and had been best-man at one of their weddings ( couldn’t remember who, but it wasn’t Feargal ) .I said ,I remember seeing The Stranglers in Sheffield. Everyone was pogo-ing and felt a searing pain in my foot – a shard of glass had gone right through my espadrilles .I have this weird recollection that Declan sucked the glass out ( but it might just be a fantasy ) . She had also seen The Stranglers and when one of them spat at her she was so pissed off, she left .

seeing those clothes is a real sensory cue

The 21st of each month comes round so quickly. The photos are beautiful Bert , thank-you .

I think the first one was when we were camping in France .It’s funny because in that photo ,Jacob looks younger than Rosie .He loved his ‘Kenny’ fleecy and she loved her grey maxi-skirt .The next photo is in a shopping mall in California in summer 2006 and the final one is in a station somewhere in London ( I’d imagine late at night ) with Laura,Ryan,Helen and Holly and two whose names I don’t know .

Rosie was no angel , but she really was a happy soul . It breaks my heart to think I’ll never see her again

At The Roundhouse – one of my fave venues in London

Pottery is on hold for the minute .Once I’d actually made ,glazed and fired a piece that actually resembled something and had a function ,I signed up for the second term only to receive an email that Hanwell Community centre ( place of learning for all those famous ceramists- Picasso,Moore, Rodin ) has been taken over by Ealing council and so all classes are suspended for a few weeks – which is dam shame cos it is used non-stop .I’ve even considered booking in for Singing/upholstery/five-a-side/tai kwon do etc, but sadly,it’s not to be . So I might have to do something else . My back and ankle are a bit dodgy , so being suspended upside down ,by a rope around your neck wearing nothing but your vest and pants , and then going horizontal before twirling around and doing the splits in time to Zumbaesque music seems a good option .(It would cut out all the time I do on my daily stretches , which would give me more time for the martial arts ) . So I’m off to put my name down for The NoFit State Circus ( in my case it’s the costumes that No Fit ) who we saw last night – jaw droppingly brilliant

Off to the circus tonight

I loved Saloua Raouda Choucars’s paintings , but wasn’t so keen on the bricks – don’t get that stuff .John got some equally good ones down the road in number 147’s skip.

Had a little moment of contemplation in St Dunstan’s Chapel in St Paul’s Cathedral .Lit a candle for Rosie , sat, thought and dug deep.

All so dam sad and wrong

Today I held up my metaphorical closed umbrella and led a TCF walk around Painshill Park . I use the word ‘led’ ,loosely . It’s a circular walk , but we still managed to get lost and ended up at the waterwheel three times. This is my contribution to the cause .I can’t go the Tuesday Evening meetings anymore as I go to my pottery evening class and Jayne and Hazel do so much . We coffeed, walked ,talked , laughed ,cried, retraced our steps , picnicked in a beautiful Turkish Tent overlooking The Lake, The Temple, The Grotto and The Five Arch Bridge. There were four new members .One man’s daughter died on 22nd December ,another lady’s son on the 27th – so we have brother and sisterdom in difficult ( an understatement of a word ) Christmases. We like having new members , just wish they didn’t have to join .

Today

I hope all goes well in London today and everyone is safe .Personally I cannot look at or read any of the reports on Maggie and don’t believe she warrants a send off at The magnificent St Paul’s Cathedral .

Three years ago I took a group of my students there for a wonderful art workshop in the crypt .The Stewards were lovely and told us the next big thing being planned was Maggie’s Funeral – so no excuses if they get it wrong .The organisation on our day was brilliant .We were allowed to park the mini-bus right next to The Cathedral ,walk round the front ,go down in the lift .They showed us round , let us all try on robes ( no one minded about the dribble ), do brass rubbings ,meet the priests etc etc .We had our own room for lunch . We did the drugs, freshening up etc and then …holy smoke , where’s the lunch ? “You had it “said Daniel, ” I thought you had it says Cassie” , “I haven’t seen ” says moi . So I shot up the Cathedral’s stairs, out the side entrance and there it was – two of those huge blue and white check bags ( that you get from the pound shop ) sitting right where we left them ,on the pavement between Patermoster Square and St Paul’s . Boy , how we laughed when we realised we hadn’t caused a huge security alert ( and had found our lunch ).?

* be ashamed of yourselves all those who thought…a dead squirrel

I know I’ve said it before ,but ,we have some lovely neighbours .I trudged home from work , shoulders down ( you know it -that weary feeling ,when you can quite muster the energy to stand upright ) and there hanging on our front door *was a lovely homemade willow heart and four knitted white flowers and this note

“Dear Rachel,John,Jacob and Florence, Whilst pottering around in France over Easter,thoughts of Rosie and your family played through my mind .I crafted these white flowers,one for each of you ( whilst sheltering from The easterly wind ) as a way of saying I remember….

I know that you will always be broken and hurting, that there are no ultimate solutions,comfort ,escape or answers to your pain, but I resisted passing over my thoughts without registering and reaching out over to your home to simply say I am thinking of you,

With love and Shalom, Jeannie “

I was so moved by her act of kindness and expressing how she feels .It is always comforting to know people care

John and I have a big dinner

Cooking is showing someone you love them , or in this case ,care for them . At the moment we have three lovely students living with us , Shizuka from Nagoya ,Japan and Cecile and Katrine from Denmark . Cecile and Katrine arrived yesterday ( giving us the most beautiful gift – a set of 3 classic danish bowls which match the decanter and night-light holders we already have ) and because they are from Denmark , I thought they were practically relatives .Turns out they are from the south, nearer to Germany and so haven’t got a clue when I talk about all the places we’ve eaten open-sandwiches in Copenhagen and how I know the best little beauty salon for a back,sack and crack ( if they were male) or a facial, run by my wonderful niece, Victoria who has magic, beautifying hands.

So tonight I thought I’d cook them all a traditional roast with all the trimmings …Irish beef- rare .Horseradish sauce with grated horseradish from the garden ( except the root I dug up turned out to be a hydrangea, so we’ve got Colman’s ). Yorkshire puds ( Auntie Bessies’ ) etc etc …and a cherry pie ( cue sniggers from everyone who lives in Ealing ) and custard ( at least I’m making the custard …unless I can find a tin lurking at the back of the cupboard ) , washed down with a nice bottle of red .

In the last five minutes they’ve all texted to say they won’t be in for dinner .Maybe they weren’t impressed with last night’s Cowboy Bean Bake , the recipe I got from Rosie’s ‘Dorling Kindersley Children’s step-by-step Cookbook’ , which we gave to her on 9.12.98. She loved that book

PS – Jacob ,when we were all looking through the World Atlas last night and your trip summary for Japan dropped out .In it you plan to travel just south of Nagoya- now you have somewhere to stay !

They seemed obsessed with sex in their papers- it’s not quite The Ealing Gazette

Back to love because that is what this blog is about .

Have done more lovely stuff , all with a common thread- great friends, good food and drink, lovely places – this week it’s been Cookham, Fulham Palace and Rosie’s Woods .

This is part of an email I had from Jacob last night ,you might want to click on the link and see what the Dutch think of his film. I suggest you try the translated version !

“Hi Mum,

I gave a small talk and screened my film at an event last Friday (and they paid me)- someone has just written about the evening. http://mistermotley.nl/2013/04/11/Geloof_niet_wat_je_ziet/ its written in dutch but here is a weird translated version: http://translate.google.nl/translate?hl=en&sl=nl&u=http://mistermotley.nl/2013/04/11/Geloof_niet_wat_je_ziet//&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dhttp://mistermotley.nl/2013/04/11/Geloof_niet_wat_je_ziet/%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26hs%3Dpbk%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official&sa=X&ei=ISNnUZbyLu3v0gXX_4HAAw&ved=0CDAQ7gEwAA

……………..

Still not sure I could explain it though

What is love and what is art and what is love of art ? God only knows. All I know is who and what I love and what art (I think ) I love or at least what art moves or excites or pacifies me . But I do know I love the work of Stanley Spencer . I went back to his gallery today and his paintings make me both laugh and cry .. I am drawn to his ‘The Last Supper’ – just can’t stop staring at their feet ,the pattern ,the shape ,the humour,the sadness . He wrote this and I think it is the basis of what I think art is about …” Love is the essential power in the creation of art and love is not a talent. Love reveals and more accurately describes the nature and meaning of things than any mere lecture on technique can do.”

I’ve answered my own question

Are you single and looking for love?
Have you got a sense of adventure?
Do you fancy hopping aboard a free luxury cruise around the Mediterranean this year?

Optomen is making a new series for Channel 4 with Brendan Sheerin and we are looking for people to come away on holiday with us. This show is all about meeting great people, having fun in the sun and most importantly finding love on your holidays. We are on a nationwide hunt for single men and women of all ages.

We are looking for confident, genuine people from all walks of life and all ages. If you are open, outgoing and want to try something new this year, then apply now as we are setting sail in October!

Whether you are young, old, rich or poor – Brendan’s Love Boat is going to take you on a holiday of a lifetime – no expense spared.

If you are interested please email loveboat@optomen.com or call the casting team on 0207 482 8639

There must be a series being made as I type

Just been and had my roots done , although have thought about going au naturelle i.e.grey .My friend who I met in Hampton Court today ,is taking that plunge , liberating her locks and throwing the dye away .My hairdresser is lovely- he is a gentle , smiley , little, gay ,Iraqi man and he sort-of reminds me of Brendan ( without the Irish accent ) …which got me thinking ‘When’s Coach Trip coming back?’.

A year off for a child’s birth ;two days for it’s death

My bambino has gone back to Glasgow and apart from the pottery class in the toilet , visiting every charity shop in the western hemisphere, the egg-themed bowl game with a final round of modelling play-dough ( instead of charades)- of which my team lost by une point , lunch in The Petersham Nurseries and the cutting out two thousand fish ( I managed about 30 and blamed my eyesight ), I have done nice stuff solo ( or with friends – I rarely fly solo ,not too good with my own company ) – Lichenstein , fishy lunch in Borough Market , cheesy singalong 60’s musical , had a Japanese meal cooked for us by Shizuka etc.

One day Florence and I heard Lucy Herd interviewed on the radio . About three years ago her 23month old son ,Jack, left her side (while she was on the phone) ,managed to open the back door and climb a four and a half foot wall .He drowned in the garden pond .Her husband was allowed just 2 days off work . She has started a campaign for parents’ rights to bereavement leave and not sick leave ( which is what I had ) .Please sign……………

https://submissions.epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/41330

I’m so proud ,I had a little celebratory weep

Dear Rachel, I have now heard from Augustine Wasonga with the KCSE results for Caren. She gained a B with 63 points and can therefore gain direct entry to University depending on her choice of course.

kind regards

Priscilla

Bursary Scheme Manager

Ace Africa (UK)

07885712498

Grief ( revisited )

Next to my bed I have a huge pile of books …’Gone Girl’, ‘The Hundred Year old Man who climbed out of the window and Disappeared ‘ ,’When You’re Falling, Dive: Using Your Pain to Transform Your Life, ‘Top 10 London’ ( gives me info to offer our students ) to name but a few , but I just cannot read them – I can’t even open them .The enormity of reading them overwhelms me .Sounds pathetic ( which it probably is ) , but at the moment I can just cope with short articles .I keep all the bits I like from the weekend papers and dip into them when I feel I can face reading stuff. I read lots of snippets about travel, recipes,blind-dates,houses, families, and absolutely nothing about the news . I fear I’m turning into Geoffrey with all my quoting of stuff, except I know I’m not turning into him cos he didn’t read about grief and he was up to date with current events ,plus he could do The Telegraph cryptic crossword ( even after half a bottle of gin and close on a bottle of vermouth ) on a daily basis .

Hardcore grief is a tricky one – I wouldn’t wish it on anyone .It gets into your bones .It stops you in your tracks .It makes you weaker.It makes you stronger .It makes you think you’re a bit crazy .It makes you sad .It isolates you. It makes you passive.It makes you angry .It wears you out.It makes people avoid you .It makes people support you.It makes you unable to sleep or read .It makes you sleep .It makes you read weird stuff. The exclusion makes you feel people think you are less interesting .

But this is probably the best response to someone who is deeply grieving ,I have ever read ( in this instance ,Julian Barnes for his wife ,Pat Kavanagh ).

“The thing is” ,his friend wrote, ” nature is so exact,it hurts exactly as much as it is worth, so in a way one relishes the pain. If it didn’t matter, it wouldn’t matter’.

That sort of explains it

and to top it …I’ve got the Screwfix catalogue to trawl through

Played too many games ,eaten too much chocolate, drunk too much stuff with percentages on the bottle , spent an afternoon splattering the walls in the downstairs loo with Florence practising our skills on the potters wheel ( result -2 bowls and a vase rather like one of those you find in a dodgy looking Greek tourist shop ) and now my brains gone all wobbly.

never assume the answers no, it’s nice to have a choice and feel wanted and cared for

When I write this I don’t want you to think I am feeling sorry for myself .Deep down I am happy and not stuck in a time-warp.Like everyone else the way I feel changes day by day and I loathe it when people tell me how I’m feeling or what I like /don’t like …they really don’t have a clue . Anyway…when I suddenly hear another bereaved parent talking , they often put into words how I feel ( but often can’t articulate cos it’s just too dam painful ),I know I am not mad or bad, but like them , have a deep down sadness ( which I realise sounds a contradiction, but is in fact an internal battle to no not let the sadness overpower the happiness ).

So last night I sat down to ‘One Born Every Minute ‘. Usually it’s a happy programme with screaming,pushing,men being shouted at for doing everything wrong , and two or three bouncing babies at the end . But not last night as sadly , baby Kaiden died .

At the end of the programme ,his father spoke

“you do feel a bit of a failure because you can’t do anything. You want to do so much ,but all you can do is hold him- which is the worst feeling ever- not knowing you can do anything for your son. He had his hand on my heart and that will stay with me forever.

He changed me . He taught me how to cope with difficult situations.He taught me to stand up for things and be strong. He made me the person I am today .I love him for that and I always will’.

And she was quite proud and had offered to show him the clip !

We were having our usual works lunchtime deep philosophical debate i.e. who had watched ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ last night ? When a colleague of mine pipes up that we all know someone that had been on there .No ,we don’t ,yes you do , he insisted …..she was a student nurse on placement with us , who her friends affectionately called ‘ Haemorrhoid Hannah’ . Even we worked out what she went on for .

A know a good stuffing recipe

Holly ,where was the veg stolen from , and what did you do with the marrow ?

Jacobs’s back in Amsterdam having cycled 300km in 2 days . The second day was extremely tough, cycling directly into the wind for about 100km.

Sounds tougher than tough

It’s hard to admit

After an evening in an Islington pub , in the company of of a dodgey priest , some prostitutes , some peasants ,a deaf man with an awful physical disabilities, a beautiful abandoned gypsy woman ,all in a space no bigger than our kitchen * ,I came home ,made coffee and bedded down with the Saturday papers .I didn’t get any further than page one of the Family Section of The Guardian , the theme being ‘your biggest regret as a parent’ . The first one was funny , a mother, who so exasperated with her youngest daughter ,tipped a bowl of cold spag bol over her head ( Jacob – do you remember the episode with the chips on Brighton seafront ? ).

The second one entitled ‘Christopher and Harry’ stopped me in my tracks. It was written by a father,Richard Salmon who over the years read all the Harry Potter books to his son ,Christopher…

” In the summer of 2007 ,Christopher and his mum ,Julie, older brother, Jonathan and I were on holiday in Center Parcs when the last in the series Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, was published. Now 14 ,Christopher,of course ,had no desire for me to read to him any more and as I recall ,hid himself away and devoured the book in more or less one sitting.

In February 2009, Christopher fell ill. His condition worsened as the week went on , so we took him to hospital .On arrival at A&E ,Christopher collapsed and had to be rushed to the crash room .He never recovered and died from a rare streptococcal infection.

I now regret not having read that last Harry Potter book to Christopher and how I wish that harry,Ron,Hermione and Dumbledore could once again get together and would perfect the ultimate spell that would bring Chrisopher and his beautiful smile back to us.”

I know just how Richard Salmon feels. I too have regrets.

* Quasimodo – The Musical

Thanks Bert

Southwold Pier

Someone’s kitchen- with Stu and marrow (and Laura or Holly ?)

Our kitchen- John’s 50th

All such happy days

Don’t worry I’m not going to start on the B’s tomorrow

There must be something about our family , cycling and the letter A .Tomorrow Jacob is cycling south from Amsterdam to Antwerp – but not the direct route .He is taking the scenic coastal ( windy ) route .I suppose if he keeps the sea on his right and the windmills on his left ,he can’t go far wrong .Thank goodness that today after a week in the capable hands of the GPO a parcel containing his padded pants, cycling shorts, gloves, cycling top and jacket plopped onto his …..neighbour’s doormat. Several notes and an attempt at forced entry , later , they were delivered to Jacob’s apartment .

Meanwhile ,in between priming the doors and reading the Screwfix Catalogue, John is in training for his cycle ride from Ealing to Amsterdam ( not while Jacob is in Antwerp , now that would be silly ).

Then after work today ,my head of department , who we shall call A ( even though his name’s Paul – but that wouldn’t fit in with the theme ), called me to a meeting , which we had on the exercise bikes .

And as for Florence , she has an A in her middle name ( as does John,Jacob,Rosie and I ) , so that’s rather spooky isn’t it – but nothing to do with bikes ?

New photos tomorrow xxxxx

I think they should tweak it and bring it back

Did you used to watch ‘Changing Rooms ‘ ? We loved it and even applied to go on it – our bedroom versus our friend’s ,who lived down our street, sitting room . We sent off our photos and was amazed when ITV phoned us , especially as our friends insisted the photo was taken with us on the bed ,and we thought the TV company would dismiss us as a bunch of swingers ( but maybe hold onto our photos for a Channel Four documentary later in the year ). We then had telephone interviews and then…our friends sold their flat .So that was the end of that . Laurence never did get the opportunity to put his Roccoco style influence on my pelmets using nothing but his staple-gun. Anyway I digress. The reason I mention C.R. was yesterday around 6pm in our house ,it was like the last five minutes of an episode of that programme-manic. John has finished painting , I had finished cleaning but all the furniture/ kitchen equipment /downstairs shelf-stuff /CDs /books, curtains to be hung , beds made up etc etc had to be moved /sorted/attached for the arrival of our new Japanese student,Shizuku.We did it with seconds to spare .I was pooped last night , so expaining the workings of the Oyster card /tube system wasn’t as thoroughly and aticularly done as it should have been .Hope she makes to Gloucester Road and not Stowe on the Wold .

* shameless Banksy plug ( trying to sound more arty than I actually am )

Thank you to everyone who sent texts and cards and gifts etc and apologies to those who texted mid Friday morning and I replied saying I was up ‘The Shaft’ , and to the person who replied ‘of whom ?’ , which sent me hysterical on the 72nd floor of the highest building in London — The Shard . John and I loved it …the view, the river , the computerised telescopes which told you all the buildings you were looking at , without having to press your eye up to a tiny peepholething and put 50p in the slot , the wind ( and that was just John ) , the height , all of it . Then….just as we were exiting through the gift-shop *, I heard my name called , and surprisingly it wasn’t someone from Storm Model Agency ( or even ‘Pretty Ugly’ , the one Ann suggested I signed up to ) , but the lovely Ryan , in his very dapper Shard uniform – he works there. He was the icing on my metaphorical birthday cake. The nice stuff continued with a hot roast pork sandwich in Borough Market , a walk east along The Thames to Rotherhithe and the Brunel Museum ( don’t bother ) , more house cleaning ( wish I didn’t have to bother ) ,Thai dins and then last night a first visit to the fabulous ,wonderful,raw,beautiful,higgedley piggedley, old ,in the middle of being restored ,Wilton’s Music Hall – the oldest and last surviving Grand Music Hall in the world . We saw ‘The Great Gatsby’ and felt terribly under dressed .Everyone had gone to town , you couldn’t move for flappers, gangsters, priests ( ?) , and men dressed like Mumford and Sons . In the interval we were given song sheets and there was a grand old sing-a-long in the cosy bar we chose to sit in .Then when we returned to our little stage side table , half the audience were up on the stage dancing with the cast – it was hard to hold John and Bob back !

Shameless plug

I bet all most of you have had a fabulous ‘ Lorna Card’ from one of the Dwyers , at some time or another . Well she’s gone global …starting in Ealing Green . You can now buy her stuff at the lovely new shop ‘All Original ( not to be confused with Werthers Original ) , which sells hers and other ( not so good ) artists ,work .

Please support my lovely friend .

www.alloriginalealing.co.uk

It was his Boarding School -parents visiting-treat

It was blub city round our house last night – not for the fact the house is still in pieces with no pictures on the walls and everything is covered in a fine layer of dust and the floor isn’t even sanded yet …or … I’d come back from Zumba and feared I’m never going to walk properly again ( even though the wonderful ,Karen, our teacher , told me ,how energised I’d feel -.She lies ) or because I couldn’t bear to look at Doctor Christian’s stupid grin as he said ‘hop up on the couch and I’ll take a closer look’. But because I watched the last ‘Call the Midwife’ ,on my own . Poor Chummy haemorrhaging and Sister Bernardette falling in love with one of The McGann Brothers . When she left the convent she looked just like Maria when she left hers and before she started The Von Trapp Family Singers . I swear the scriptwriter/wardrobe mistress has seen ‘The Sound Of Music’ once too often ( Like John )

Wave

Thanks Geraldine for sending me that link .I downloaded and read it and then my Saturday’s Guardian in which there was a slightly different article about Sonali Deraniyagala. It breaks my heart .That poor woman , she has experienced hell .I am no way comparing myself to her ,but some of the things written resonated with me; particularly ”Through her therapy she was learning that though it was agony remembering, it was a much better quality of agony than not remembering.The writing gave her a secondary purpose, in that she had to find the right word for what she was describing”.

I hope so see Nim over the easter Hols -I’m sure she is aware of Sonali,Steve,Vikram ,Malli and of course ,Sonalis’ Parents.

xxx

Thank you to Jacob and Florence for their lovely Mothering Sunday cards – they mean the world . Jacob’s a ‘sorry’ card with a dog on the front .( apparently The Netherlands don’t do Mothering Sunday ). Florence’s a hand-made book all about my pond .

This is hard to write , but I never ever want them to think that Rosie is ‘favourite child’ because I write all this stuff about her ..me …my feelings .She certainly is not .I love them all equally and would do absolutely anything to keep them safe and happy. I write , because I want to keep her memory alive .The stuff I do doesn’t matter , it’s nothing , maybe writing it down is just brain gym for me .What matters is love and caring for people and being kind .

John and I are having a romantic morning clearing the kitchen and scrubbing 6 layers of grease of the top of all the cupboards ,in preparation for the paint .Steve Wright is on the radio , and he has just played ‘When I need You ‘ by Leo Sayer .I know it is a complete cheesefest of a song , and that Jacob and Florence will cringe , but the words are beautiful and are what I would like to say to Jacob,Rosie and Florence – all whom I love so much,it hurts.

You rarely hear it at this time of year

It only took one bar of music to take John and I right back to St Paul’s Church ,Monday 6th January 2009. Vanessa Feltz’s last song was Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Girls in their summer clothes’ .Hearing it ,has pushed us both into a tailspin.

Geoffrey was a Liveryman

I’m writing this in John’s shadow .

Last night ,as a guest of my cousin ,Robert Brown ,John dined at Fishmonger’s Hall with The Lord and Lady Mayoress of London , other Lords and Ladies ,The Icelandic Ambassador, Sirs, Most Reverends, Honourables, Colonels ,Barons ,Lieutenant Colonels and Sheriffs ( none of your- of Nottingham ,jokes ). There was no royalty there ,but they dined like kings and queens ,with wines aplenty at each of the five courses ( I am such a pleb that I looked up the price of one of the wines-Chateau La Mission Haut -Brion 1995- £192 !) When I squinted a bit he went out looking a bit like James Bond , in his dinner suit . He tells me it was a wonderful evening , but a complete one off , and in a way , we both agree ,although lovely to be invited ,it’s a bit obscene .

Tonight he’s at a Governing Body meeting – lucky if he gets a biscuit !

Lies

Last night I did my first ever Zumba class. My teacher ,Karen , said I would wake up energised with a spring in my step .She was wrong ,I can barely put one foot in front of the other .

next time I’ll take spices and fresh veggies with me

It was a normal sort of afternoon at soup kitchen , except it wasn’t …I was promoted to the maker of the soup ( normally I just make the sandwiches and then adopt the sort of ‘meet,greet,serve and chat ‘ role out the front ) and Andrzej came instead of John , as John was doing a Leonardo and painting our hall and landings ceilings . Back to the soup – an hour to make 120 pints of the stuff .Imagine all that sweating,chopping and simmering. Imagined ? Now put that to the back of your mind and think opening a huge catering packet of Golden Vegetable , mixing it into a paste ,adding boiling water and anything else you can find to give it some flavour . Soupy was packed , the busiest I have ever seen it .They were queuing out the door , so my soup became organic , more powder was added ( minestrone ) , more packets of frozen sweetcorn and to bulk it up -ten tins of tomatoes .Darren had to shoot up to Tescos for more bread ,biscuits,milk , juice and grated cheese- which I sprinkled on my soup and made it look rather bijou ( and gave it a bit more taste ) . Everything was going fine – there were a few argy bargy moments , and I was pleased to see ,a few people had bought their own empty jam-jars and were decanting their soup into them , to take home ( wait til that Covent Garden range get hold of my recipe ) and then from outside came a big shout for Andrzej ( soon to be called Super Andrzej ) . A Polish guy was having a seizure and his friends were trying to help by pinning him down and putting a stick between his teeth – none of them were sober . So between us we told them told them to take the stick out , release him , get him in the recovery position and find something to put under his head , There was lots of dialogue in Polish and Andrzej established the guy also had a heart condition ,and that is why one of his friends had stuffed 2 mugs down his shirt ?? After a 999 call ,the wonderful paramedics came and took over the situation… which was good ,because while we were outside ,we had avoided the one stressful part of soup kitchen – the decision of who was going to clean the toilet ?

Auntie Grace was lovely – not sure if she knew who we all were though

When they tell you there will be darkness, uneven flooring and nudity – you don’t expect 8 people walking slowly towards you , then sitting and working on their computers , one having a row with the boss and in protest ,stripping completely ,and then the other 6 following suit ( of the birthday variety ) and then the boss doing the same and then them all silently filing slowly passed you , just to do it all again …and again …and I’m not talking about Auntie Grace’s 90th !

Last night John and I went to see dreamthinkspeak’s promenade performance ‘In The Beginning Was The End’ .It was performed in the bowels of Somerset House and Kings college – and you know how much I love tunnels/hidden places in London . It was really weird .Don’t know if I ‘got it ‘ or even if I was meant to ‘get it’ , but it was great .It all started a bit muddly and cramped while we walked around laboratories where mad scientists made robots and things , then we came entered the corridors of a fictitious company ‘Fusion’ and the fun started .There were films, people slowly flying down outside the windows ,giant robots and one telephone box told me I was ugly( I haven’t actually been told that since 1991 , when a friends next door neighbour shouted it over the fence and that was just before she hosed us down ,and the police were called and she hosed them down too , but I digress ). It was mad and crazy and ended up in a beautiful lemon grove corridor .Then we got chips on the way home – bliss .

28.2.95/23

Our builders are lovely -three brothers .They haven’t done any work for us since Rosie died .They even offered to box in Rosie’s big picture , so we ( John ) wouldn’t have to take it down . But of course we ( John ) took it down , and it is safe and protected in the front room . One of the brothers told me his partner’s son died on the 17th October ,last year .He was 17 .Today would have been his 18th Birthday .Liam knew he was dying ,he was in GOS Hospital , his lungs failing and while there he planned his own funeral . I have just seen his Order of Service , and it is beautiful .He was studying art and as well as lots of photos ( one of his last was with Frank Lampard , who visited him in GOS , and who he said was fantastic, kind and funny ) was some of his art work . His entry music was ‘Blind Faith ‘ by Chase and Status and at the end he chose ‘I don’t want to miss a thing ‘ by Aerosmith as he wanted at least one song that would make people cry !

I never knew him , but I continue to feel a deep love and protection for those young people to whom life has been so very cruel .

So today I remember Liam Patrick Albert Costello , who should have been 18 , and Auntie Grace , who celebrates her 90th Birthday and who is having a small tea party in the little lounge in her Old Folk’s Home- Bradbury House . More about that later .

Grandma

One year ago today Grandma died . So ,around six o clock ,I’d like you all to have a sneaky G&T for her -I would say 12.30 ,but as a lot of you will be at work , it’s probably not a good idea .

Not to be confused with ‘Go West’

Does anyone else listen to the Elaine Paige’s ‘cheesefest -songs from the musicals’ ,Radio 2 programme ?She just played ‘Into The West’ by Annie Lennox .Quite made me weep .I want Rosie back , so very very much .

Don’t visit us in smart clothes

Have been to The wonderful Soho Theatre twice this week .Once to see the musical ‘Lift ‘ and once for Tranny Bingo . In a couple of weeks ,they are showing something called ‘What would Beyonce do ? ” . The other day I was talking to someone and he had one of those plastic wristbands on with WWJD on it . I thought it might mean ‘ What would Johnnie Dwyer do ? ‘ (cos stupidly I’d left off the second D ) , but in fact ,he told me it stood for ‘What would Jesus do ?’ ….

Which brings me to my point .I have a problem , not a big one , but a ‘Moral maze’ type one ,and I don’t know what to do .So lying in bed last night unable to sleep ,I went down the WWBD? and the WWJD? route…and surprisingly ,I came to no conclusion .So today ,I’ve reverted to WWJDD? and then ignored his advice .

PS – the wall has gone and all the dust is in the fruit bowl !

Saw butterflies in Wisley during the day

Sunday night and I thought Tranny bingo was good , late Thursday night and I thought Musical bingo was fantastic . Last night two friends and I toddled off to ‘Eat,Shop,Do’ in Kings Cross for Jess Indeedy’s Musical bingo. It was fab – five rounds each with a different theme – Colours ,Hip-Hop ( we were pants at that ) ,The Sixties, The Seventies and Girls Names .On each round we were given a card with nine different song titles and their artists, on it .The DJ then played about half the song and we marked them off if we had it . Each round there were four prizes – for 3 in a row , 2x 3 in a row , 3×3 in a row and full house . The whole place was jumping ! Everyone was singing , dancing , bonding ,eating , drinking and happy .The atmosphere was amazing .I won 3x3rows on The Sixties Round and had a choice of a ‘make your own moustache kit’ or a mystery price .I chose the mystery prize and won 5 shots of my choice .So us three and the 2 girls at the next table (new BF’s ? ) all licked, sucked and swallowed !

Talking of one of my passions in life- games…last Saturday we went to some friend’s house for dinner and we played ‘The Bowl Game ‘, but our host added a fourth round – after the first round-words , second round -one word ,third round- mime ,we had to just use facial expressions- no speech , no mime ,no anything – just your face , for the fourth round .Genius .( I’m easily pleased )

I couldn’t have put it better myself

Fifty months

‘If you know a mother who has lost a child and you are afraid to mention it because you think you will make her sad by reminding her: you are not reminding her. She didn’t forget and never will. What you are reminding her of is that you remember that the child lived – and that is a great gift.’

The 3 Marys hit West Malling yesterday

106 has gone all naked and Dan and his Ackroyds have moved in .

John and I have spent the last 2 weekends taking pictures down ( including Rosie’s HUGE one ) ,throwing stuff away ( me ) , retrieving it from black bags ( John ) and doing a general clear-out .Easier said than down when you unearth so many lovely memories in paper,photo and art forms …and all in preparation for a wall to be knocked down .I came back from South London ( Undertakers,Uplands ,Del’s flat, Joanna’s, drives past 53,St Oswald’s etc ) today ,to find it gone and we are all open plan .The Sunken Jacuzzi should be fitted tomorrow .

We declined

Another Sunday , and another night of Tranny bingo. Actually it’s the first time I’ve ever been and I’ve come to the conclusion you can never have enough – Erasure , Baccara, Dallas/Coronation Street /GMTV references, costume changes , group aerobic workouts , wigs, semi-nakedness ( not us ),drinks being bought for you , bingo games ( thank- God we never won – I wouldn’t have had had the balls to shout ‘House’ ) and the invitation to share a cab to The Royal Vauxhall Tavern for the continuing disco .

I didn’t even get a card

As Florence and I queued to get into Ivan Navarro’s telephone box ,we couldn’t help but notice all the other couples ( and I really mean couples , there were NO singles in the queue ) were all loved up .I’ve never seen so many single naff red roses in green cellophane and one couple even had matching little gift bags – sweeet . We got in ,looked up into infinity ,down into infinity , and wondered if the man after us was going down on one knee ? We loved ‘Light Show’ at The Hayward .Health tip – It’s an absolute no-no if you suffer bad migraines or seizures as some of the lights are really dis-orientating ,bright and flickering . I loved Olafur Eliasson’s ‘Model for a timeless garden ‘ .It was beautiful , especially if ,like me, you love , water ,ponds,fountains and sensory stuff . But ,I found it hard to walk in his room- especially backwards .Everyone was striding round and I was doing pigeon steps and looking for a wall or Florence or a non-loved-up man to hold on to . We went there after being chucked out of ‘A Bigger Splash’ at The Tate .Closed at 6 , we got there at 5 , and there were so many films to watch – many containing genitals, blood and mud – not so many loved up couples at this one . And that was all after lunch at a fabulous Thai place ( next door to ‘Rosie’s Cafe’- the eating place that stated the trendification ) in Brixton Market .I loathe shopping , but could spend ages there .

To Rosie

” I can’t bring you back, but I promise to keep your memory alive. I can’t touch you, but I can love you everyday. I can’t replace you, but I promise to help the people you loved through this pain. I can’t feel the way I felt when you were here , but I can try to remain positive for you and our family. And these are the four promises I make to you now.

With my whole heart “Mum xx

These are the beautiful words of Ben Brooks-Dutton. I hope he doesn’t mind ,but I have adopted them

Another adventure- we don’t want snow

I’m in an uber-busy-zone. Friday night I saw the fabulous ‘Feast’ , and last night , we saw the wonderful , amazing ,superb ( you’re gathering I really really liked this show ) ‘Glasgow Girls’ at the Theatre Royal ,Stratford East .Then tomorrow I’m off to Minehead, Somerset , with six students and two assistants , on two trains and a mini-cab .So unless you want to be held up , avoid anywhere around Hanwell and Paddington Stations around 9.30 . ( last year I hadn’t factored in ,one of my students not being able to lift her leg high enough to get on the train ) .We are returning to the brilliant Foxes Academy for 2 days of work experience in the hospitality industry.. think ‘The Hotel’ meets ‘The (Un)dateables.

Unimaginable

Sometimes when I’m feeling very low ,I have to give myself a metaphorical slapping -a good talking too, a pep talk ,a come-on girl dig-deep and do something positive,type of talk. Then ,when I’m feeling really really low ,I think of other people ,who have suffered much worse stuff than me .They carry on ,work, play ,and inspire me .They don’t know it , but they are my virtual rocks.

Up until a few weeks ago ,it was Nim Hoy .Nim owns a Thai restaurant in Crystal Palace .Between 2006 and 2008 the five of us plus Grandmama regularly used to eat there . We all got on well , Nim would help Grandma with her coat ,help us choose and then , when we’d eaten ,come and sit and chat . Her story is terrible, on the 26th December 2004,Nim, her husband ,John ,and their three children , Robert,David and Kate , were relaxing on a beach in Thailand when The Tsunami struck .Of the five of them , only Nim survived .

She is truly amazing .I remember her telling me that the hardest time of day for her is the 2 school-run times. She couldn’t bear to see young families all walking to school together .

Then recently I read an interview with Dr Abdul Shakoor, whose wife Sabah, and their five children ,Hira,Sohaib,Muneeb,Rayyan and Maheen, died in a house fire .His pain must be unimaginable. I know it does nothing ,but from deep in my soul, I send them both boundless amounts of love and strength .

Today I got out a the little book Nim gave me . It is full of photos and memories and letters On the back , written in her own innocent ,sprawlimg,messy handwriting is this is poem written by Kate ,in New Zealand , on the 26th December 2003 a year to the day before she died . She was seven

“If tomorrow will never rise Will the light of the moon Shine upon the world

If tomorrow will never riseIn the moon light there, it lays the face above the sky

If tomorrow will never rise Up there you see the moon is shining right at you

If tomorrow will never rise “

I can’t look at that book without cracking up .But there again , it is NOT about me ,it is about them .

Just call me kylie. At long last I’ve ben spinning around

. Rowena the Potter came into work yesterday ,and she got me slamming,centering, ,wetting ,plunging and finally making a pot . Then after work ,Paul the Potter ,got me on the wheel and got me slamming, centering, wetting , plunging ( except he called it different names to Rowena – so now I am very confused ) and making more pots .Rowena’s advice was to make 15 balls, and then one after one – slam,centre, wet and plunge – Paul would only let me do 4 – so I mashed them up and started each one again . I now have 19 unfired cereal bowls , 17 of which have nipples growing out of the bottom of them .Any takers ?

I can hear shouting – The Six Nations is back

” While it might have become culturally commonplace for contemporary art to challenge the role of museums and their collections, few exhibitions do so with the curatorial intelligence and inventive rigour of this citywide show curated by Tom Morton .It’s a major cabinet of curiosities that mixes historical fact with cultural fiction to make one big bag of mixed-media intrigue”

Page 37 today’s Guardian Guide , on the exhibition being shown in Lincoln ” The World is Almost Six thousand Years Old ” – One of Jacob’s films is in this exhibition.

In the acknowledgements at the back of Kate MccGwires’s Book of her exhibition “Lure’ she thanks ….

“Tasha Marks,Rowena Coventry,Bea Bradley,Chloe Knight ,Liz Lewis,Graihagh Jackson and Florence Dwyer for their nimble fingers and hours of good-humoured work in the studio”

I am so proud of ALL my children

Susan Boyle has been gazumped by Ann Hathaway’s version.

I must be a bit wobbly as I’m having to overload my senses – plus I must have pressed submit 3x last night and that was before two and a half hours of rape, pillage, blood, fighting and revolution , and I’m not talking about the weekly Sainsburys shop . We went to see ‘Les Mis’ and it certainly lives up to it’s name . But, I loved it and although it is so so sad ,for john and me ,it brought back so many happy memories .We saw the stage musical with Jane ,then ( we think ) Florence and Rosie saw it separately ,with some of their friends ( Katie,Fiona, Natalie, Georgina ? ). After they’d seen it , we bought the CD , and spent one whole Tenby holiday singing the entire soundtrack as we drove round the Pembrokeshire country lanes .Our favourite song being ‘Master of the House’. I think Jacob was into ‘Greenday’ at the time , but he was outvoted on the CD front

Then today I’ve been back to see Kate’s exhibition ‘Lure’ and then onto one of the most beautiful houses in London ,Two Temple Place, to see ‘Amongst Heroes’ , a collection of The Newlyn Artists.Tonight it’s ‘Salad Days ‘ at the Riverside Studios .Saw it two years ago ,and loved it so much I’m going back for more.

It can’t be good,not letting my mind go empty .I worry about that sometimes .

Fourth time unlucky

They have put me in charge of walks .They being Jayne and Hazel , who head up our West London TCF group . The group meets on a Tuesday Eve and because I’m too busy coiling,slabbing ,but not throwing ( see last nights entry , and yes I am still bitter ) I can’t go .So today we met in Carluccios ,Waterloo Station – I know all the best places , walked to the London Eye ( all of 400metres ) and got the boat to the O2 – woosh ,I love it .It was warm and toastie ,and you can get a coffee on a board .For 40minutes I convinced myself I was on a mini-cruise . Unfortunately the 45mph gusts of wind , meant the cable car wasn’t running and they’d put them all to bed .So we went to Canary Wharf ,got blown along by the river and had a lovely lunch .I feel I’m abroad when I’m there. In total I reckon we clocked up about 800paces .But….It wasn’t about the walk ,it was about the support and love and the honesty and the kindness .

Now I know why I’ve never signed up for an evening class before

It’s week 4 and I’ve made coil pots, slab popts , moulded pots , a big mess , new friends ( that was week 2 , haven’t seen them since) .I’ve glazed,slipped,pugged ,jigged,grogged,luted and vitrified .I’ve even seen my new friend’s dunt ( google it ).But as yet …I haven’t thrown . There are eight potters wheels just sitting there . If it isn’t on offer next week ,I’m going to rebel and throw my big lump onto it. ( take that as you will )

without sounding too cheesy , we could have had that song for Rosie ,and the answer would have been ‘yes’.

I’ve thought of another one -” Fill the World with Love ” from ‘Goodbye Mr Chips’ .It was Mr Chips’s school song and Jane and I used to love it . When we sang it , she always had the Petula Clarke role and I was always Peter O’Toole ( a bit like the Julie Andrews/ Christopher Plummer …. Julie Andrews /Dick van Dyke roles ) .I never got to be the lead , oh except sometimes in ‘Fiddler on the Roof’ was I was allowed to be Topol’s Character and she sang the parts of one of his pretty daughters . Not that i’m bitter ! We loved musicals …which leads me on to last night’s one – Privates on Parade …brilliant .Simon Russell Beale was amazing ,camp,funny,happy,sad- he lit up the stage . Now I have to sing on my own ,I can be him -but it’s just not the same .

the first sentence was written tongue in cheek.

Yesterday was almost a day of peace ,tranquility and enlightenment . A friend took me to The Lumen Church in Bloomsbury .Her daughter is a jazz musician , and because of the wonderful acoustics ,plays many concerts there. It is a building of simplistic beauty The building consists of a whitewashed worship space overlooking a courtyard and houses the most beautiful font I have ever seen – sort of raw white plaster with a silver bowl on top . In the middle ,between the cafe and the worship space is a huge tapered white cave/chimney secluded area for peace and contemplation .It is full of cushions and the the ceiling is tapered to the sky ,and so you can see birds flying overhead . My friend and I went in lay down and we went hysterical with laughter ,calmed down then nearly nodded off ! We then went into the courtyard ,shutting the door behind us . Ten minutes later , and freezing cold ( we’d left our coats in the cafe )we were still banging on the window ,as the door back in wouldn’t open .Not sure if the church was so peaceful and tranquil then . Eventually we managed to find an escape route through the kitchens at the back of the cafe .The staff were pretty surprised when we popped up behind the counter !

Then last night Lizzy from ACE and Emma, who has just spent nearly a year in Kenya and Tanzania , volunteering for ACE ,came to supper .The charity does some fantastic stuff ,and it was good to know ,that through Rosie’s spirit and memory , some people are getting advice,guidance and education enabling them to sustain themselves for the rest of their lives. ( it’s still not right though – she should be with us )

Do it again though – avoid those queues

‘Kiss me kate’- not a request ,but what I saw last night. It was very good , but a bit too polished for me .I like my theatre a bit rougher round the edges .

Plus my friend got told off for taking our own wine in -Didn’t stop us dogging it down just call us Padlock Pockets !

I’m very proud

Thought you might be interested in this:-

Dear Rachael Dwyer,

How have you been ? I am doing fine My mother,Shirlet,Eugene and Daphine told me to pass their warmed regards to you.

Mother told me to pass her appreciation to you for sponsoring my secondary school education.

By the way, thanks a lot for your last letter I loved , especially the family photo.I am so sorry I delayed writing to you- it was irresponsible and unthankful of me .But i promise to always keep in touch with you.

How is your family doing ?

I would like to thank you for enabling me grt through my secondary school education by paying my school fees.I know it took you a lot of sacrifice to pay my fees.God will bless yo abundantly for your kind heart.You will live to celebrate the fruits of your labour.

I sat for The Kenya Council Secondary Education exams which is a major national examination done by kenyan students at the end of the four years of secondary school last year starting from Oct to November 2012.The results will be out in April this year. I hope to get a good grade which is a minimum of B+. In June-July 2012 we sat for the District Mock examination and this is how I performed

Englis A

Kiswahili C+

Mathematics D

Biology C+

Chemistry D+

Geography B-

Christian Religious Education B+

Business Studies A-

I had a mean grade of B-

I hope to join a good university to undertake pharmacy .I want to be a doctor in the future.

I wish to see you,

pass my greetings to the rest of the family,

Yours faithfully

Caren Wanjala

Bungoma

Kenya

Nothing to do with phil and I being buddies (?) at art college

I don’t mean to be morbid when I ask this ,but do you ever think about what music you’d like played at your funeral ? It’s a similar question to ‘what are your desert island discs’ , but with less choice and more poignancy . Well last night I went to Cadogan Hall to see the fabulous ,amazing, uplifting, ‘Pink Singers’- Europe’s longest-running four-part, community choir made up of over 80 lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered people ( at the last count I ticked 3 of those boxes , it’s just a pity I can’t sing ). They sang some belters – Negro Spiritual, choral , African ,classical, and pure cheese ..including ‘You can’t stop the beat ‘ from Hairspray ( how we loved that when the five of us saw the film in NYC in 2007 – we bought the CD and belted it out all round Orange County )…..’One day More’ from Les Mis ( Jane and I loved it , she bought the CD and we belted it out , from her little Renault 5, all round Souf London )…Bob Dylan’s, but made famous by Adele,’Make you feel my Love’ ( of which everyone has the CD and everyone belts out and has a little weep ). We were particularly proud when they harmonised that last one as our friend,Chris, did the arrangement to it – hope he appreciated me coming in with the descant ,second verse from the end . Anyway ,I digress , I do have my absolute top choice which I want to be the last song ever played for me , and it is …….’Together in Electric Dreams’ by Phil Oakey and Giorgio Moroder…I just love the energy, the tune , the words , the danciness of it .But last night I heard another one I’ve just added to my list .It is ‘The Rhythm of Life’ by Sammy Davis Jr. Forget the fact it’s sung by someone high on drugs ( his part in Sweet Charity ), just listen ..and tap your foot ..it’s a banker to get people smiling .Plus, I just love the chorus.

I’d love Lydia’s job

This week has been a bit manic …after last weeks story of the fire-alarm/the semi-naked people in the playground and the aborted casting ( pottery classes- I haven’t joined Equity ).This week it was the case of ‘the student who got wedged in the sink’ . For legal reasons I won’t go into details …but rest assured, it only took 55mins and 9 bath towels to clear up the water .

So I put aside today to catch-up with all my paper bits ( I hate paperwork ,makes my brain go jangly )…and what did I really end up doing ..watching the brilliant ‘Undateables’. Terrible title,great programme. Sally Philips does the commentary and she has a daughter with Down’s Syndrome, so that sort-of says it is OK. I love Ray , and his answer to ‘what type of lady would you like to date ?’…..’someone like Madonna’- that should be easy then .His dates were fabulous . But of course I was drawn to Sam .She was born with Achondraplasia and was into sky-diving, snowboarding and other extreme sports . The issue of ‘staring’ , came up , and I was glad to see her friend give some starers a bit of a mouthful. Watch it ,it’s good .I just wish they’d give you the follow-up of what went on the week before .

Now back to that envelope with Nat West written on it.

Fish is meant to be good

Nearly fell off my chair ,when got an email from Jacob ,titled ‘Lincoln’ , and it was all about his latest film . My immediate thoughts flew to The Oscars ( how many has it been nominated for ? ) , retirement, meeting Daniel Day Lewis etc etc .

Then I clicked on the link

http://www.thecollectionmuseum.com/?/blog/view/the-world-is-almost-six-thousand-years-old
I’m still proud , and it means a trip to Lincoln . never visited before – so top tips please .

Demi Moore watch out

Cos Tuesday was so pants ,I forgot to mention the first night of my pottery evening classes .It took me back 40 years to kneading and pugging and wedging (and that was just to get into the size 12 overall ).I was a bit disappointed I wasn’t let loose on the wheel ( week 4 ) , but I did spend 90minutes preparing my clay for next week , so all is not lost .

Venturing up to Marylebone tonight ,to meet Ros and Mary for dinner .We were meant to be meeting on Tuesday ,but I had to re-jig because of my evening class, so to compensate I promised to make them a pot .Hope they’ll be happy with a lump.

just up the M3

After a rather frenetic week ,it was good to go to a mass said for Rosie at Ealing Abbey ,last night. It was peaceful and calm and for thirty minutes I could have Rosie in my head with no distractions .

Unlike Tuesday , when at work ,I had the power to move over 100 people , even though they didn’t want to be moved into the playground ( especially the 3 in the hydro-pool who had to get out ,robe up and stand in the freezing cold for 10minutes while the registers were done) .The reason being , I wasn’t quick enough to stop one of my students running across the room making a beeline for that big red button that says ‘in case of fire PRESS ‘ . For him ,I would like to think , that as an ASD student, that big bold red word was an instruction !

Meanwhile Jacob has jetted off to Vienna ,where he has some work in an exhibition .Check it out on www.mauve-vienna .com.

Today I’m off to Windlesham and then back for the joy that is ‘Four in a Bed’- love it !

Missing them already

Thank you to The Clarkes for a lovely Christmas Day and last nights Christmas gift ..dins in the George IV pub and then into the backroom for Headliners Comedy Night. I am officially in love with Ninia Benjamin – she was a real laugh-out-loud sort of girl . Plus we saw Rosie’s lovely friend Neelam, who works there ( not as a stand up but something pubby ).

Jacob and Florence have left the nest today , but we still have Andrzej, who as I type is cooking up a storm downstairs

A lollipop in the big metal,red and yellow, sense

I’ve reverted to reading childrens’ books. I loved The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, Holes, The Curious Incident…( read 27 pages of Harry Potter and gave up- bored me senseless ), to name a few .So after hearing the author , R J Palacio , interviewed on the radio ,I bought and read her book ‘Wonder’ – and loved it .There aren’t many books written about a young boy with a chronic facial disfigurement and his introduction to mainstream school. .But don’t be put off .The character ,August, is amazing ,and the book has everything . It made me cry ( not difficult ) , laugh and think to back when I was a child and growing up with a sister with a physical disability .There was a chapter by his sister ,about ‘the staring’ .I know It used to drive me mad. I became a craft-master at staring someone out and then giving them my most disparaging look .I’m not sure if Jane was aware of what I was doing ,as often I was behind her ,pushing her wheelchair .But she was extremely aware of members of the public staring at her and I knew how much that upset her. Funnily enough ,she was fine with a direct question,, why are you in a wheelchair , why don’t your legs work, why don’t your feet reach the footplates ? etc

There was an article in The Guardian ,a couple of weeks ago entitled ‘I’m not your special one’ from the perspective of three people about what it is like growing up with a disabled sibling.If you can, google and read it , there is just too much to write . But like one of the writers , when I was in primary school ,people would say, ‘What’s wrong with her ?” and I’d say ‘she has Achondroplasia. That’s how it has always been and that’s who she is’ .For me , growing up with a disabled sister was just the way it was. That was all fine ,until one day ,Mrs Goodwin ,The Lollipop Lady ,who adored Jane ,overheard Gerald Thomas pointing and sniggering at Jane , so she hit him with her lollipop .No-one ever never did it again – and she kept her job !

You can never have enough of The Pet Shop Boys, ‘Go West'(my class even did a dance to it for a school assembly )

Over the last couple of days I’ve done all the stuff I like doing best …walked. Had two dear friends and Dottie to dinner.Met a friend for breakfast . Been to a brilliant Gay pantomime ‘ Get Aladdin’ (Woke up this morning in a state of shock,thinking I had a weird disease ,until I realised I was still wearing my ‘glow-in-the-dark audience participation neckband ‘ from the night before ). Took Jacob and Florence up over The Thames, on the magnificent-but oh too short (in time ),cable-car. Went on the DLR ,sitting in the best seats ,right at the front -I never tire of looking down over London .Booked our tickets for the Shard Viewing Gallery .Shopped- well 5minutes in Muji ,testing their pens, until I had to get out .Lunched out in Kensington .Now getting ready to meet a friend at a local pub .

It’s good for me to keep busy – less time to think.

They are Argentinian in case you’re wondering

I’ve been thinking of doing an evening class for ages .So tonight ,after seeing the wonderful,amazing ,beautiful ,exhuberant,sensual,sensory,acrobatic,wet, dancey, drummy, Feurzabruta( We first saw it 6years ago ,so when I knew it was coming back to London for just 4 weeks ,I jumped on the tickets ),I have signed up for one -pottery .

Some people just have a way with words

Written in 1812

“I dare not say what state of mind I am ; I loved the Boy with the utmost of love of which my soul is capable, and he is taken from me – yet in the agony of my spirit in surrendering such a treasure I feel a thousand times richer than if i had never possessed it”

William Wordsworth,in a letter to the poet Robert Southey, after the death of his six year old son,Thomas, from measles.

Richard had the hardest ‘guess-who?’- Lily Savage

Since our lovely ,warm,gastronomique , guess-who? crackers ,and obscene Balderdash Game on Christmas Day Chez Les Clarkes …we have followed the star and gone north and east .North as far as Solihull to John’s sister Mary’s for Boxing Day ,and east , as far as Walberswick ( one of my spiritual homes ),to The Anchor ,for 24 hours of walking on the beach ,contemplation,dominoes( Florence won ) ,Contract Whist ( Jacob won ,and before he mentions it – he also won the Balderdash – aided by John who spent the whole game unsure as to what vajazzling meant ,thus making his answers even more obscure .It is far too complicated to explain so I suggest you ask Natalie as she introduced the word in round two ), eating fabulous food and drinking lots of Adnams..and having breakfast with Simon Mayo .

Conjuring at The Court tonight

loved the game -Taboo..and the tempura and the fishcakes and the curries.Thank you all tose in The SOC who came round on Sunday Night

This is the first Christmas ever, without Grandma . I knew it was going to be tough ,so we had a strategy meeting ( we ,being me and my newly formed inbuilt cranail self-protection team ). Without Rosie, Grandma gave us a bit of stability .She didn’t know it ,but she was a bit of a rock .We liked talking the fizz and nibbly bits to Brigstock Manor, then Uplands .We liked all the old dears .We liked the singing and the zimmer frames and the young African cleaner dressed as Santa .We liked Grandma saying something quite inappropriate and then telling us she didn’t feel well while downing a bottle of festive-fizz and eating half a plate of brown bread and smoked salmon , then telling us it was over-rating and she’d rather have smoked cod’s roe.

So……I booked somewhere for us for breakfast …and it was lovely .

Never before have I sat down for a full English ,with a huge shiny gherkin just behind my head .We went high ,to the fortieth floor of the Heron Tower , bang in the middle of the City of London .The view was amazing .We had a corner table ,looking out over Tower Bridge,The Tower of london, the very windy bit of The Thames ,Lisa’s barge, The Emirates Stadium,The O2,The Truman Gallery, Greenwich etc etc .Then afterwards ,in the bar , we looked over the other side , St paul’s, Ally Pally, The Eye,The Houses of Parliament etc

I know for sure Jane ,Grandmama and Rosie would have approved .

Now it’s home for a little re-charge and then up to the Clarkes, who have kindly invited us to dinner .Not sure if Richard has a gherkin to show us . ( he’s a keen gardener )

And of course J ( who is grouting the bathroom as I type ) , J and F – but they’d only blush

Christmas is nearly here ( obviously ) and I hope you all have a lovely time .

This isn’t The Oscars , but a time to say thank -you.

So ,thanks to Bert , for maintaining this website and for choosing the most beautiful photos on the 21st of every month .

To the friends and family who continue to love and support us ,with texts, invites, postcards etc . I really believe communication shows someone cares .

To everyone who has donated to Rosie’s charity .

To Rosie’s friends for being so lovely – in all of you, I see a bit of her ,

But especially to Rosie for giving me nineteen years and 12 days of sheer unadulerated happiness

I love her

Today is sad and in many ways unbelievable . Four long years .

John ,Jacob , Florence and I have stuck ( for most of the day ) together .We have had a ‘full English’ on the banks of the River Thames. We have made cocktails- Ting Tings and Tequila Sunrises , we have played Boggle . Now its time for a snooze and then we are going to see Rosie’s plaque at The Isis and onto Camden to eat and see The London Community Gospel Choir. All the time digging deep and keeping Rosie close to us .It is too sad for words

Chaucer- he’s not quite Shakespeare

I know things aren’t good ,when I go and see the bawdy Canterbury Tales in the wonderful atmospheric (i.e. damp) Southwark Theatre under The London Brigde Railway Arches, and I can’t dig deep enough to get my yearning for Rosie out of my mind.

But things get better ,when I phone home for a’ Belsize pick-up’ ( our term for anyone who wants a lift from Northfields Tube Station ), and Jacob and Florence are both in the car to meet me.

But before tomorrow I have to say how much I love that photo of Rosie and Izzi. It is as if Rosie is here,happy and staring right back at you .I want to touch her ,feel and her and hear her voice .It is just not right ….I want her so much .And whoever said ‘time heals’ should be ……….

Even one of my ex students was a guest

Last night will go down as ‘ the most dancey one’ John and I have had since Rosie died .It was a Monday and I was a bit jaded after a full on day at work .Plus I’d had a few too many of Holly,Izzy and Stu’s brandy jellies the night before – not to mention the fizz, the tiramisu and the carol singing …oh and then Bradley .I know Ellie didn’t even get close ,but she looked the best -her dress and shoes were lovely .I just feel so proud and emotional when I see her . She has made people so aware of Achrondroplasia . God knows what Jane would say – (I think she would say I’m mad writing all this emotional stuff ,but secretly be proud of her too ). …Anyway, it was ‘The Ealing Soup-kitchen Christmas party’ and John and I were on the team that hosted it , at the back of St Paul’s Church ( Not the big one in London , with the big dome ) .So I shot home , picked up Florence’s ,home-made(?) stuffing , other bits, then we shot to Waitrose ,to pick up the 12 roast chickens they had donated . The room looked lovely -red and white gingham tablecloths, ivy ,candles, gold crackers , bowls of nuts etc .It was the first party I’ve been to where the guests were queuing outside the door at 5pm ( party started at 6.30 ) .The temperature in the kitchen reached 90 ( I don’t actually know that ,but it felt like it ), and then it was full on ….homemade leek& potato soup with grated cheese, bacon and chopped pepper on top , french bread & butter , roast chicken, pots, chipolatas , glazed carrots, minted peas ,Flo’s stuffing, gravy , hot chocolate brownies, ice-cream ,tea ,coffee ( one woman only drinks tea with 2 spoons of coffee in it in – not to be recommended) .Then the entertainmnet- a choir, carol-singing,song sheets, pass-the-parcel and finally ,Smashy & Nicey on the disco .We were all up .John requested PSY’s -Dance Gangnam Style and everyone went crazy .The last song was ‘Feed the World’ ,which was a bit ironic really, but we all belted it out .

The whole evening passed without incident ,if you don’t count one guest getting a bit lary and turning the air blue and trying to pick a fight, another throwing up just outside the church and one set of songsheets catching light . At ten o clock we shut shop , cleared up, picked out all the empty cans of Tenants Extra from the bushes , went home …and had a stiff drink !

……………continued

As I said , after yesterdays debacle ,I did calm stuff…St Pauls’ Cathedral…went to see the brilliant and moving and thought -provoking film ‘The Hunt’…John and I had supper with a dear friend …bed …up and out at 7.30 am to Sainsburys ( had a little weep with my Macedonian friend on fruit&veg – he finds Christmas hard too ) …returned to find Patrick waiting for me on the doorstep .He was anxious ,as we’d promised him a 9.30 am lift to his friend’s house to get his taxi to Heathrow for his flight to Oslo. ‘What’s the problem ? ‘ I asked ‘Its only 8.45’ .He replied ‘I meant 9.30 Norwegian time’……. stupid me !

All is calm now .I sold the beauty of SPC to Andrzej , so he’s toddled off there- I bet he climbs the 528 steps. The lovely Nikki came round this morning and brought us some Amsterdam-waffle-biscuits and my prodigal daughter chugs in from Glasgow this evening. Oh and John’s just dropped an open tin of green paint in his rear passage ( pardon me vicar ).

I can’t even look at some of John’s stripey shirts

Today I escaped from this mad house and sought refuge in St Paul’s Cathedral .It has to be the most beautiful building in London ( The Albert Memorial comes a close second – but you can’t light a candle for Rosie there ).Climbed the 257 steps up to The Whispering Gallery , but just couldn’t face the 376 steps to The Stone Gallery ,let alone the 528 steps to The Golden Gallery .I remember doing the whole 528 steps ,when Jacob,Rosie and Florence , (who was probably about 5), were little .It was a real adventure . Towards the very top ,it becomes a very narrow ,spiral staircase .Once in The Golden Orb ,only Jacob would stand on the square piece of transparent glass , directly over the central Nave …I was too worried about the coming down .All those lines made my eyes go funny .I am so so so glad we did it .

To be continued

You know there’s a problem when you come out of the theatre ,all chilled ,after seeing a wonderful show, having had a good meal and a bottle of red and are with a friend you love…..you look at your phone and you have 3 missed calls and a text that says ‘PHONE ME NOW” from John .So I did …and the story goes something like this . At 6pm , Andrezej let Ciro ( London Host Families boss ) in to pick up Hassan’s cases and take them to Franks ( Hassan’s new roomie – as Patrick leaves us tomo and Hassan cannot stay on his own ) house .Ciro also drops Sewit and Arabih ( our new students ) and their luggage off here . At 10pm Hassan arrives back here , having been to Franks ,where there is NO sign of his luggage. Hassan is a little worried as he is flying back to Oslo this morn .So from 11pm to 1.30 am we tried every which way but lose to get in touch with Ciro to locate the missing luggage …which includes passport,tickets and wallet . At 8am this morning ,Stephania ( don’t ask ) gets radio contact .Ciro arrives with said cases .Hassan happy . Hussein arrives ( Hassan’s twin brother ) and John has just taken them to the tube …..phew !

Johns , just come back and found Hassan’s ruck sack on the back seat of the car …………..

7.15pm start

I like our street .It’s not partcularly pretty or neat and tidy ,but the people are nice.We have some lovely neighbours .Yesterday a flier popped through our ( and everyone else’s door ) flagging up the

‘2nd Colderhaw Road Christmas Carol Singing Event’ on Friday 14th …meeting at Laura and Elija’s, stopping at Liza and Eddie’s,Tim and Hesh’s, Jeanie and Stephen’s and finishing at Audrey’s for sausages ,gluwein and chat .Bring torches and singing voices !’

We won’t be going ( we are at the cinema watching a film about a wrongly accused paedophile ) , but it’s a lovely thing to have happening around us .

And I’ll find strength in pain

I knew December was going to be hard , so I booked up loads of stuff . LGMC on Friday ,’the brilliant musical, Victor Victoria’ ( a second evening when there were no queues in the ladies loos ) on Saturday night ,the fantastic Mumford and Sons at The O2 last night , ‘Merrily we role along ‘ ( OK, my friend Jane booked that one ) on Thursday and the film ‘The Hunt’ on Friday- phew .At about 5pm ,I wilt , and wish I wasn’t going …then I change from my boofy paint splattered trainers and clothes , get out there ,have a glass of something over 12% and feel better about the whole thing . The people watching opportunities are amazing , the ‘thing’ is a great sensory distraction ,plus I have something ( other than my deep ,dark,sad,stuff ) to get me off to sleep .

There’s a reason I shouldn’t have worn it

Yesterday, while Jacob,Florence,Holly,Izzi,Nikki,Ryan and Stu got the boat over to a little island and fondued in Amsterdam,John and I went for a bracing walk in Burnham Beeches and the to Richard and Sarah’s for supper.

But today hasn’t been brilliant . I don’t wear jewellery .It is not wise in my job and it’s not really my thing .But when Mother died ,I took off her gold chain and her pearls and put them on .After three days and two showers , the pearls disintegrated.I realised then they were the ones she got out of her last years Christmas cracker ! I kept the chain on .I like it ,I would touch it and think of her and Jane and Rosie .Silly I know but sometimes it grounded me .Then today ,one of my students ripped it off from around my neck . But I managed to hold in the tears – it wasn’t easy.I don’t like to cry at work , and after all it’s only a chain . So tonights’ soup-kitchen-Christmas-party-planning’ meeting in the Rose and Crown , will be a welcome distraction

From ”Lullabye”

Thank you to lots of people…to everyone who has donated to Rosie’s charity, to Sally for the beautiful star, flowers and words ,to the friends and family who stick with us and to Rosie’s friends ,who are just wonderful. As I write this ,Holly ,Stu,Ryan Izzy and Nikki are on the coach to Amsterdam to spend Rosie’s 23rd Birthday with Jacob and Florence . I hope you all have a wonderful time and stay out of those brown cafes and dodgey shops ! ‘

Last night Declan and I went to see ‘The London Gay Men’s Chorus ‘ annual winter show ‘It’s Comin’ On Christmas . It was fabulous – happy,sad,moving,funny- it had it all.I had my favourites- both singers and songs . But the words of this Billy Joel cheesefest of a song ,really got ito my bones.

” Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you’ve been asking me
I think you know what I’ve been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it’s time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I’m rocking you to sleep
The water’s dark and deep
Inside this ancient heart
You’ll always be a part of me”

letting your mind wander is a luxury

I believe I ( we ) have suffered deep trauma .Stupidly ,after Jane died ,I thought I’d had my emotional shock .Even though Jane became frailer and frailer , I didn’t think she was going to die .When I was with her I kept buoyant ,happy ,upbeat always planning what we were going to do next .She loved Jacob ,Rosie and Florence and they loved her .They planned for her too. Then seven years and seven months later when Rosie died , the trauma,shock,sadness,disbelief hit me again ,but this time like a steam train- it was a million times worse .I live with this trauma and have developed coping strategies. I know now who my true friends are , who will let me just ‘be’ , who will talk about both sad and happy stuff , who will talk to me about their vulnerabilities and with the odd text,email ( I continue to loathe the phone ) invitation ,suggestion- show me they care .But the one thing that still eludes me ,is the luxury of just lying in bed or just sitting and doing nothing. I always have to be ‘doing’. I think it is because I cannot let my mind just meander – because it always ends up at the same place .So I only go to bed when I am very tired ,and as soon as I am awake ,I get up.

Yesterday I read a tragic story ( look away now Ann D.of Ealing ) about a young woman,Tina Nash, whose abusive partner gouged her eyes out with his fingers .Her trauma is unimaginable .She is an amazing ,inspirational woman and lives independently at home with her two sons, but relies in someone being with her outdoors.But one little thing she wrote which made me think ,I’m not all mad and that there are common strands in trauma was ” I decided that every morning when I wake up I need to get straight out of bed. I still keep to that rule .I won’t lie there and think about things.” I’m with her on that on, and I have the luxury of being able to see.

keeping busy on Sundays

1.The ‘Bowl game’ ( and all the food and drink that went with it ) took it’s toll last night.So this morning, John and I went on an explorative , Thames River ( as Andrzej insists on calling , even though I tell him the words are in the wrong order ) towpath walk in the sunshine . We eventually found , tucked away behind a working boatyard , a pub we didn’t know existed , a weir and 2 little hidden bridges – Johnsons Island Artists Colony- don’t be fooled by the word colony , it was a few old sheds and some pretty uninspiring artwork , but we loved it .It was sort of quirky and hidden and about 2 miles from where we live . I love finding new( to me ) places in London

2.Then home to open window number 2. Thor your picture made me laugh.. a series of people diving into the sea -straight on their heads.

3.Finally , if you have 4 minutes to spare , Youtube ‘Nina Conti on Russel Howard’s Good News’. It is pretty much what John did on Thursday night , except John had a wig on and got his spout and handle on the same side ! ( believe me, it’ll make sense if you watch it )

2 messages

A message from Ruby in Kenya-

Hiya Rachel,
there were loads of power cuts before i left mombasa so couldn’t use the internet much. of course you can put my emails on the blog, also feel free to edit when they get to rambling.
so today we got to bungoma, the overnight coach really wasn’t too bad, and went to southend academy.
Lyn, who i was in contact with from Ace Africa, came with Edwin and the two of them picked us up from town and drove us to the school. its beautiful. you go through these baby blue gates (bermuda blue i was told by lyn, i asked because it is everywhere!) and then its lovely inside.
because its the school holidays we didn’t get the welcome that john and Jacob did, but we were met by Moses the headmaster and shown the art room, which was full of people studying. although the school had broken up for summer these guys are preparing for their last big exam in 2 weeks. so we felt awful interrupting them, but they were very nice about it all.
we had a look at the work on the walls, which is really good, some of it was being done by 11/12 year olds and was amazing. i took lots of pictures so i can show you everything when we get back to london.
Lyn then took us to the ace africa offices where we met everyone and was told a bit more about what they do in the surrounding communities.
Everyone was so friendly and welcoming and even helped us find somewhere to stay.
So thats just a summing up but we would love to come for supper and I’ll tell you every tiny detail then, including the derailment on the way back to town.
Hope you’re all well and London isn’t treating you too harshly
lots of love
Ruby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A message from Rachel to her relatives in Denmark-

Thor .We opened the first window of the Advent Calender you made us .I love your drawing of the skier .Wasn’t sure at first if he was holding a ski-pole or a crucifix , but seeing you’d drawn him going down hill, I think it was the former ( unless he was praying ) .

Nicolai, on your recomendation ,I saw the film ‘Festen’ today – absolutely mind-blowingly brillaint .Thomas Vinterberg makes a cameo appearance in it .Have you seen ‘The Hunt ‘ yet ?

Jacob- go and see ‘Festen’ . As a filmaker I think you’ll appreciate all the hand held camera work – even if it does make you come out feeling a bit seasick

J.A. fooled Penn&Teller

John has been up early applying for his Equity Card . Last night we went to ‘Conjuring at the Court’ and had the (mis)fortune to have seats in the front row .There were four acts .How many were john invited to be part of ? Yes…four !. The second one was the funniest .John and another guy were the ventriloquists stooges.Each had to wear a lower face mask and John a ginger wig and then the performer put his hand up their back and operated their faces and voices .Sounds naff-it wasn’t.It ended with John singing and miming ( sort-of ) to ‘I’m a little teapot’ – except his spout was the same side as his handle .The audience ( well me ) went wild.Claire ,wished you been there , you would have loved it …if you thought it was funny when he played the kazoo………The final act was my-all-time-international-favourite-magician, John Archer .He was as brilliant as ever.

Yesterday ,I met with two lovely people from ‘Meningitis UK’ .Their daughter Gillian ,and her baby,Grace died ,of the dreadful thing in 2004. Us old saddies have to stick together .I hope no-one else ever has to feel how wretched and guilt-ridden we feel about the death of our daughters .We would do anything to have them back ,even if it was just for five minutes each year . Sadly, we know this can never happen .

It’s an all male house – except for me

I sometimes wonder if there will ever be a day I am happy with my own company…at the moment ( especially cranking up to December ) it’s a no no. I just get too dam sad and ask myself too many tricky questions .I take Rosie into my head and then the yearning becomes too much , so I have to move her to one side ( I always apologise to her first ). Wish I could find that elusive ‘Peace ‘ people talk about – it’s just not happening in my brain .

But, stupid little things continue to make me happily distracted – Sabine coming back into ‘Fresh meat’ , ‘Fresh Meat’, Ant and Dec’s jokes, Hugo leaving the jungle ( but wish Rosemary was still there ), the faces that Northern Irish girl pulls in “Junior Apprentice’, a fat person doing well in ‘Strictly’ ,John and I completing the crossword, hearing from Jacob and Florence , anything to do with Jacob and Florence, Andrzej cooking dinner , Hassan ( only eats Halal meat )and Patrick ( doesn’t eat any vegetables except potatoes ) eating it , people inviting me places ( although I can’t always face going – it is still nice to be asked ) ,my students…….which leads me on to Tuesday night . I met 2 friends at Watermans for a glass of vino and to watch the film ‘The Sapphires’ . One friend remarked on my hair -“it looks different ,have you had it straightened?” she asked .”NO” I said , and then I remembered ,earlier in the day, one of my gentlest ,loveliest ASD students ,had spat into his hands ,rubbed them together and then carefully smoothed down my hair .Perhaps I should have had a shower first .

Footnoes-Andrzej is Jacob’s friend who is staying with us

. . Patrick and Hassan are students from Oslo who are staying with us .

I can’t actually knit

‘What good is sitting alone in your room?
Come hear the music play.
Life is a Cabaret, old chum,
Come to the Cabaret’.

So we did .

last night John, Claire and I celebrated Bob’s birthday ( with Bob ) at that amazing ,wonderful show.

‘Put down the knitting,
The book and the broom.
Time for a holiday.
Life is Cabaret, old chum,
Come to the Cabaret.’

So I did .( put down the knitting – not go the cabaret ,although I have been invited to the Bradbury House Christmas party on the 20th )

Today I have been to visit 89 yr old Auntie Grace in her Old Folks Home in Beaconsfield. Not sure if she recognised me . But she perked up when we sang ‘Money makes the world go round .’

I like being up high

Third time lucky ! The first time the queues were too long.The second time the winds were too high, but yesterday everything was perfect – no queues , no winds and clear blue skies. For £3.20 it is a bargain .I loved the cable-car .The view, the height , the peace .I was hoping it would do a ‘Boris’ and we’d get stuck at the top for twenty minutes ( and someone would bring round martinis – but that was just a fantasy ), but it kept on going . It is open til 8pm , so we are going to do it again , next time ,after dark .. We then got the wonderful DLR , coffee’d and viewed The Olympic Park, which looked so sad after the event ,and set off the last part of our adventure ,for dinner with friends in Upper Holloway .It was a lovely Ottolenghi infused evening .Four games of cards , and I couldn’t possibly say who won three of them (me ).

Nearly four years on and I still have to keep occupied, busy ( although Grandma would always say I was like that as a child – always had to be doing something ,always with a friend , never on my own ), positive,happy,safe.I sometimes refer back to Paul Clabburn’s piece . His son,Tom, was at the same school as Rosie and died the year before her .After Tom’s very sudden death ,Paul wrote a brilliant piece for the BBC – I am especially drawn to his words at the end, “I’m not looking for closure, I’m looking for Tom to stay with me in a way that allows me to smile as well as mourn.”

Up,up and away

Last night I went to the PV of Kate’s exhibition .I cried when I walked in .Her work is so beautiful . I so so wished Florence could have been there with me , but Kings Cross is a long way from Glasgow, especially when you have a lot of work on . But my tears were not those horrible sad tears ,but those tears shed when I see beauty .Her stuff is wonderful . My favourite piece is ‘Sepal’ ,and of course I was drawn ( and stood next to ,for a lot of the evening ,with Shirley Ann, Kate’s Mother ) to ‘Whelm I,II & III,’ the pieces that Florence worked on ,. But perhaps the one most suited to me ,was FINE ( F****d-up,Insecure,Neurotic & Emotional)

If you can ,go and see it .I hope when Jacob and Florence are home ,we will all go together , and of course Rosie will be there with us too .

www.allvisualarts.org

John and I ar aiming to fly high in the cable-car above The Thames today.More beautiful things to look at .

New photos tomorrow

I know I am fearful of this date ,but I didn’t realise half the population are too …..According to prophecy,the world will end on 21 December 2012 and only the sleepy French village ,Bugarach, will be spared .I never did believe anything The Mayans told us ..they said Susan Boyle would win BGT , and look what happened there.

Wherever, whoever

Yesterdays hourly news was tough, in fact beyond tough , heartbreaking . Hearing about the coach of children being struck by a train ,in Manfalut,Egypt ,was devastating .Fifty died .My heart and soul cried out for those poor families . Today when I close my eyes and take Rosie into my head ,I’ll take them too .I’ll talk to them and hold them .Won’t make a blind bit of difference , don’t really know why I do it .I just do.

Then there was the news of the of the release of the Meningococcal B vaccine.Ten per cent of children die from it …etc etc .This was a bridge too far , I just switched the radio off.

I gave you wrong information – Sophie came 7th ( she should have come first ,in my eyes)

I’ve tried ,I’ve really tried ,but I just cannot got into the book ‘Wolf Hall’ .Everyone says it is fanatic/marvellous /a page turner…but not me .I’ve got to page 114 and all I’ve discovered is that henry VIII fancies the pants off Anne Boleyn , and all the men ( except henry ) are called Thomas – very confusing . So once again I ask for your page-turning recommendations.

Hastings was bracing yesterday.Met Bev and ate fish&chips at Maggie’s Cafe which is above one of those black-Hastings fisherman’s huts.it was an all round sensory lunch as we could smell,hear,see and taste the sea- the touch came later

* another TV reference

For reasons that are too painful to write down ,I was so deeply moved by the Panorama programme ‘The Mind Reader: Between Life and Death’, that I watched last night. ( if you have time ,do watch it ).At times it was so sad ,I just couldn’t control my emotions .It brought all those terrible/awful/destructive,’what if ? ‘ thoughts into my head .They nver make for a good nights sleep.

Footnotes:

1.Try watching FM straight after .I wish I’d done it that way round

2.I do do more than watch televsion .I don’t know why have to justify it ,but I do ( doubles as brain gym ).Today I am coffeeing and strolling in Sunbury Walled Garden, before picnicking and walking in Bushey park. Then tonight , eating and drinking and talking and listening in and Acton pub where my friend’s son’s girlfriend ,Sophie,works and sings on a Thursday night .Sophie did come sixth in ‘Australia’s Got Talent’ a few years ago , So although I was hoping for a Phoebe-like-Smelly Cat*- rendition , I think she might be a bit better .Seaside tomorrow.

We want more of Sabine

Finished work, tidied up , rushed to dentist , got there just in time ….in fact I was early – twenty-four hours and one minute early .My lovely dentist agreed to see me , and then I told her about the dentists story in ‘Fresh meat’. So next time I want a piercing ,I’ll know where to go.

Like probably most of you ( except Stu and Adam ) she hadn’t a clue what I was talking about .That programme just gets better and better .

School is closed- I’m not bunking off

Today ,Dec and I are celebrating Diwali. We are rendezvousing in Whistable We shall eat oysters and stroll along the prom . Once at Seasalter we will perform our own little vignette of Rama and Sita- not sure who we’ll get to be Hanuman.( shouldn’t be a problem , loads of luvvies live down there )

Stuff

My head’s all jangly today – with good,bad and sad stuff – so excuse me jumping around the page .

I guess it has a lot to do with it being the 11th of the 11th , the 2 minutes silence ,all the people who have lost their lives through war ( esp .the young ones ) . can’t stop thinking about them .Although my grief is primarily for Rosie , I feel such deep pain for other people – maybe it is because I know their death will effect their loved ones and how wrong it is for them .

Jangle 1 is a good one .I received this email from Rosie’s friend ,Ruby to day .Two hopes -one is that I hope she doesn’t mind me printing it – two,is that I hope she goes.

”Hiya Rachel,

I’m one of Rosie’s friends, I went to college with Holly, Stu, Nikki etc.

I’m in Kenya, visiting my girlfriend, for 6 weeks and I would really love to go and see Rosie’s school (I don’t know what else to call it!!) I know its in the west but thats all really. If you don’t mind me visiting could you give me some directions and things. I’d love to meet everyone, take some pictures and come tell you all about it when I’m back in London.

Sorry this is a bit out of the blue I am the worst organiser in the world, Hope you’re all doing well

Ruby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx”

Jangle 2 is something I read in today’s ‘Homes’ section of The Sunday Times .Richard Rogers ,the architect , writes about restoring his place in Vernazza,Italy, where his son,Bo,aged just 27, died suddenly ,last year . The journalist asks , Can Vernazza be a happy place for the family again? he says he thinks it can ”But it’s Ruthie ( his wife ) I’m worried about .She makes me look like a blundering heavyweight.” He searches for the right words .”Ruthie is up and down.She is okay ,and then it hits her, it is like an explosion.She describes it as a ‘tsunami’ of grief .I’m alright in the day, but at night when I close my eyes , it comes to me and I can’t sleep.I’ve come to the conclusion women are different .I can bear it somehow- I’ve no idea how. Ruthie can’t it is a terrible thing .””

Jangle 3 is PDT ( positive distraction therapy) – Soupy Kitchen, a huge R&C, Strictly ,I’m an MP ,get me out of here……

if you go down to the woods ….

Yesterday ,John and I saw our counsellor at the Child Bereavement Charity .We haven’t seen her since February- so much to say .We then walked in Rosie’s Woods .The colour at this time of year is spectacular. It continues to be a source of joy and reassurance ,being in beautiful places .I cannot explain why, it just does .

So to continue the theme , today ,Mandy and I walked in Richmond Park .We did our usual route – coffee in Pembroke Lodge- Isabella Plantation- Pen Ponds- coffee in Pembroke Lodge. But at Pen Ponds we stopped in our tracks ,there was a new structure, a green shed right by the pond and as luck would have it ,there was a bench outside .The shed was the same colour as John’s , so I took photos to show him and then we went inside – there were chairs,a table ,crockery etc .Took more photo’s ( for inspiration) ,sat on the bench and ate our picnic .Then along comes Terry .We get chatting .He asks to take our photos , we check he’s not going to put them on the next edition of ‘Big and Bouncy’ and we ask about the shed .Turns out he’s The Shed Security Guard and tomorrow SKY1 are going to start filming the next edition of ‘Starlings’ , featuring the guy from Downton Abbey and a woman who was in ‘American werewolf in London’ . We tell Terry he’s not a very good security guard ,as we’ve been in , rifled round and taken photos. Terry doesn’t seem bothered and shows us his wildlife photos on his iphone . Terry then photoshops the photo of Mandy and I so that we now look like Catherine Zeta Jones ( me ) and Michael Douglas ( her ) .Terry emails me said photo .So Jacob, this is a roundabout way to tell you that your screen-saver has been replaced by a future blockbuster.

* or Cuckoo ?

Anyone watch ‘Fresh Meat’ *? Just watched this week’s one – it was brilliant (haven’t laughed so much since the episode of Cuckoo when Ken dressed as kevin Rowland from Dexys ).

Made my tomorrows trip to the dentist a bit daunting though.

Practically everything is a sensory reminder -but some are stronger than others and SO vivid

Today is The American Election .We have been invited out to supper tonight-.The menu is enchiladas, salad,cookies and chocolate chip pumpkin bread . Sounds good .Tried to find hersheys and root beer to take, can’t find them anywhere.

How I remember this day four years ago . We had an American student,Kerry, staying with us .Every night ,on the run up to the election ,she would tell us who had the edge , which were safe seats ,which weren’t etc etc .To be honest I sort of switched off .Then Obama won , and she went crazy , she was so happy . We were happy too, because Obama won and because she was happy . I took it all for granted , dancing round the kitchen and being recklessly happy .Wish I could turn the clocks back .

Why Oh why , was Rosie taken from us ?

Bet they don’t make that in Masterchef

Forgot to say ,we arrived home to the delicious smell of home cooked chicken and vaggies ( the chefs words , not mine ) ,cooked by Andrzej, who is staying with us from Krakow and who is a star in Jacob’s films ( and now in my kitchen ).

Copenhagen -part 1

Us three amigos are home safe and sound .Jacob, however ,has stayed an extra night , and has had more adventures….maybe when he has 5minutes in Amsterdam , he will tell you about them………………….

Copenhagen -part 2

Scroll down now if you don’t want to read my ‘ last 5 days remember what I’ve done,brain-gym exercise ‘

So …….in chronological order – we breakfasted in Gordon Ramsays -Heathrow T5 , flew , landed ( obviously ) , met by Nicolai , train to Sarah,Kristian,Thor,Frigg and Gros’.Were welcomed , relaxed , ate drank ,talked and were joined for supper by Victoria,Richard and Lise. . Day 2 and caught the train into Copenhagen, Botanic Gardens , art gallery , walked, non-decapitated, Little Mermaid, beers and open sandwiches on the quay at Nyhavyn , hooked up with Jacob, Nic and Flo , dins back at Thomsen Browns, joined by Charlotte ( Flo’s roomie from Glasgow ) for big dins and drinkies . Then on Thursday we were up early for Jacob to go to school , to be part of the first lesson of the day ,with Thor – they played ‘Simon Says’ and one kid , suggested Gangham Style – so we’ve been dancing it ever since . Flo and I did beauty at Victoria’s salon, while Jacob ,John Kristian and Thor went cycling and we rendezvoused in Christiania , on Pusher Street where we went for a lunch .J,V & F wanted to go shopping , so I jumped (?) on Jacobs bike and gaily cycled back through the centre of Copenhagen to Sarah and Kristians'( scared as hell ). Richard picked us up and we had a wonderful dins at Richard and Lise’s ,then watched the video of Richard bungeeing off a bridge over Lake Victoioria ( Very impressed ) . Friday was canal tour , walking ,gallery , dins, contract whist …while F&J partied with Victoria .Then yesterday R&L&N took us to Kronborg castle where Shakespeare set Hamlet – beautiful – I love castles … and the Danish ,beer and snaps lunch afterwards .

Copenhagen- part 3

We were sad to come home and leave Jacob and all our rellies behind .

P. I am not going mad ,putting this in three parts – PC won’t let me put it as one

I hope no-one’s decapitated The Little Mermaid ( this time )

I’ve had lessons and now I am fluent.I know the only phrases I’ll ever need in to know in Copenhagen

”Hvor er toiletterne?” ( Where are the toilets )

and

”jeg vil gerne ha’………cuppa korfee/tuborg/schnapz/ a part in the next cult Danish detetective series ( I would like …)

Tomorrow we are jetting north-east to Denmark and on wednesday Jacob is jetting north from Amsterdam , to meet us .It’ll be lovely for the four of us to be together with our Danish rellies.

All burglars ignore this entry

* Don’t get me wrong , as soon as that viewing gallery’s opened ,I’m up there

I think we are jinxed – in the cable-car department. Twice I’ve been to Barcelona , twice the cable car across the bay , wasn’t running .Yesterday John and I went to fly/glide/be pulled by a cable across The Thames , but it wasn’t to be .The winds were gusting.flying/travelling at 21mph …the cut-off point for the cable cars is 20mph. So we went and saw stuff instead . We saw The William Klein and Daido Moriyana photographic and film exhibition at The Tate and then , in the evening ,another Second World War /Nazi ( it was Cabaret last week ) musical ‘Marguerite ‘ at The Tabard . Odd subject for a musical , but it worked , was very good and the theatre is so small we were almost on the stage.

There’s something about being up high I like .Don’t get me wrong ,I am a wimp ,I would NEVER bungee jump or parachute out of a plane .I just like being up high and looking …. Stupidly and illogically , for a non-believer , maybe it is because I feel closer to Rosie . Last week I went to the beautiful Winkworth Arboretum with a friend .Her son ,Jonathan died at 17 from a brain-tumour .She had recently been to Toronto , where she did an open walk around The CN Tower ,1,168 feet up, with no barrier . She said was terrified , but exhilarated and after Jonathan died, that sort of fear didn’t stop her from doing stuff .Google CN Tower: Edgewalk ,it looks amazing ..and puts our Shard* , all 1016 feet of it ,to shame .

Part 1

Sometimes I fear that I am going a bit mad and that I am feeler sadder than I should do .Nearly four years on and it still troubles me that some people don’t recognise ,let alone acknowledge ,my pain, my loss, my yearning for Rosie .At times ,I want to scream to them from the rooftops,” come back, ask how we are , talk about Rosie, share your memories of her ” and ask them why they avoid me ,Rosie and my grief. But of course I don’t .I hold it in and feel even sadder .

part 2

On Sunday night John,Declan and I settled down to Downton Abbey .It was a moving episode ,Sybil ( one of the earl of Grantham’s daughters had died suddenly ) and there was a lot of talk about death . Some of the lines were so true .So last night I re-watched the first fifteen minutes and jotted down some of the lines ….

”Grief makes one so terribly tired”- Sybil’s Grandmother

”Is it over? When one looses a child, is it ever really over ? ” – Sybil’s Mother

”when you loose a child, there’s nothing worse under the sun” – A maid

This may sound odd, but these sentences, uttered by actors, are strangely comforting .Because if someone chose to write them, another to say them , they must be ( sort-of ) true ,and I am not mad after all.

Obviously not the word obvious

Ooh good Jacob,us film buffs have to stick together ! Have you seen ‘Untouchable’ yet -it’s brilliant a must-see .I’ve put it in in my top ten ever films .It is sitting just behind Salmon and The Sound of Music .

Has anyone seen the Danish film ‘The Hunt’ . A friend saw it as part of The BFI Festival and said it was brilliant BUT I can’t find it on anywhere in london .Maybe we could see it in Copenhagen , but it wouldn’t have the English subtitles and my use off Danish extends to tak ( than-you ) and tiss (obvious ) ??

watch it

Forget JB’s latest film ,’Skyfall’, coming out today ….JP’s latest film ‘The Cuban Frienship Hustle ‘ is also out .Catch it on jacobdwyer.com. Adele might have done JB’s theme tune ,but I’m up for JP’s.

Culture

I’ve never really ‘got’ Shakespeare . Everyone says he’s a genius, profound, witty etc , but Miss Vincent the English teacher at my high school, killed him dead ( and Chaucer and Jane Austin ) .Coles Notes got me through O Level English literature .

But today ,Hamlet was explained by a group of actors called ‘Laughing Bombs’. they all had special needs and it was performed with very little language, lots of expression and audience participation – too much at times .At some points there were more on stage than watching it . It’s given me a taste – so maybe next week when we are in Copenhagen ,we can visit Elsinore castle , but for now I’ll make do with calling John ,Polonius- or Polo for short

My ‘song of the evening was Chris Farlowe’s ‘Out of Time’

A beautiful choice of photos Bert, thank-you. The first was taken in Reus airport ,August 2008 .Jacob and Rosie were flying home and Natalie and Fiona D. were flying in . Jacob,Rosie and Florence were laughing at me as I was blubbing .I was sad I wasn’t going to see them for a week …..enough said. The second was Rosie dressed as Marilyn Monroe for the Hanwell carnival .I’m pretty sure the dress was one of Sarah C’s ( they had the best dressing up stuff ) .Rosie was so proud .I can see her now grinning as she walked down Boston Manor Road – it breaks my heart all over again .The blog photo ( I think ) was taken on my 49th Birthday ,2007 .

But Rosie would have been proud of us last night .It was one of those evenings that started off as supper and a game of cards ( I came last ) , with a few tears and a sharing of hankies and bodily fluids ,and evolved into a KD&K- kitchen disco and karaoke. We were hysterical with our moves , we cranked up the music , sang so so loudly and all was going swimmingly til old jimmy Saville popped up with Peter Kay’s ‘Is this the way to Amarillo ?’ …so we cut him , switched to Peter Kay’s 500 miles and ended the night singing the 8 minute version of ‘American Pie’. I bet the neighbours loved us . Home at 2.50 – unheard of for us.

Fickle-part II

Ditto my last entry .Susan Boyle’s dumped , Will Young has taken her place . Last night Declan treated me to Beirut Street Food in Fitzrovia and then WY in Cabaret – fab-u-lous . He was amazing .For those of you who remember ( probably the same ones who jigged round their sitting rooms to ‘Peter,Paul and Mary’ ) , Joel Grey was a hard act to follow, but Will did and he did it well as well as putting his stamp on the role – I don’t remember Joel getting naked in the film and Susan certainly didn’t in ‘I Dreamed a Dream’.

Done other nice stuff too .Walking and picnicking in Burnham Beeches yesterday ,walking from Paddington and picnicking in Primrose Hill today , and going to friends to eat and play cards this evening. Wait for it ..walking and picnicking tomorrow ( do you see a pattern emerging ) and then Declan is joining us for Sunday supper…and Strictly results Show ..and Downton .I’m still not good on my own.

* only people my age would get this joke

I admit it, I’m fickle. Paul , Mary ( where was Peter ?* ), John etc are history .Gareth has replaced them . Even though I think it’s a bit sad one workplace choir has to be eliminated – poor old Manchester Airport . I thought the whole point of these choirs was to raise self-esteem, a sense of togetherness, unity in the workplace etc . Not for some poor sods to feel failures that they have been voted out first ( think Johnnie ball ) . I would love Gareth to come to TCF , I think he would do us the power of good .

My money’s on Lewisham Hospital

It’s silly , but I’ll miss it

James’s nuts let him down .I knew it was a mistake to put pistachio in his chiffon – too dry .But his plithier ( ? ) looked fantastic .The good news is he is studying to be a doctor at Glasgow university ,so if I play my cards right , he may be a future son-in-law.

But by the end I wanted John to win , cos he was so gentle and didn’t make a fuss when he lost a finger in the food processor .

we used to do such lovely stuff on this date

John Whaite is the third contestant.

BUT you must all keep your texts to yourself as I can’t watch it live .Hassan , one of our students, mum is over from Oslo ,and she is coming to visit us at 8pm. I’m sure once she’s done her house inspection and checked behind his ears she’ll be gone and I can bed in for TGBBO .

I’ll have a little glass of something in my hand as today would have been Jane’s 60th birthday

me again

Just wanted to get it in before the programme.My money is on James tomorrow night .I went right off Brendan when he made his roof fron Shredded Wheat

My winter wardrobe

The time I really talk to Rosie is when I am in her bedroom .I start by apologising to her .Telling her I’m sorry I let her down – I should have protected her more , sorry that I can’t look at the photos and her writing on the walls, and sorry that I’m storing stuff in her room . Then while I potter , and between the tears ,I tell her what we are all doing .

That is what I have been doing this afternoon .I went up there to get my winter clothes out of her loft ( ie swap the M&S black short sleeved t shirts for the M&S black long sleeved t shirts – I like to dress anonymously, I’m not in mourning clothes ,I just prefer not be noticed – I even got married in black ). To get to the bag of M&SBLSTS I had to move all the artwork from ‘We Cluster and we Stick’. The pieces are beautiful .It is nearly three years since Rosie’s exhibition and I remember Christmas 2009 ,the four of us talking about taking all the existing pictures down ( Jacob ) in our house ,re-decorating ( John ) and then re-hanging all the new ones( all of us ) .But it hasn’t happened .Just too dam weary . It sounds pathetic ,and it probably is , but jobs like that overwhelm me – I want to run away and hide.

We had some lovely friends round for supper last night .Two had been to Rosie’s exhibition ,seen the huge collaborative pieces, read the beautiful words on the reverse and supported our charity .Two had not . The two big pieces were new to them .With them ,I started to read-but I couldn’t . I think back to three years ago and how we worked together to put that exhibition together .I couldn’t do it now , and people tell me I’ve ‘moved on ‘. Don’t be deceived.

She’s right

Mary Berry, she is everywhere .When she’s not baking ,tasting , getting her buns out for Paul Hollywood, encouraging, becoming a style icon in her little satin flowery bomber jacket (sold out in Topshop ) she is going to Windsor Castle to receive her CBE, which today is presented to her by Charlie as Liz has a bad back. But the main reason I love , admire and secretly hold her virtual hand , is because, sadly, she is in the same club as me . She too had a son, William, who died at nineteen.

This is part of an interview with her in Wednesday’s Telegraph…

“Her three children were sometimes as naughty as she had been when young. Her elder son, Thomas, got up to some hair-raising roof-walking pranks and has stayed with the high-rise life, becoming a tree surgeon. Her daughter, Annabel, used to work with her, but now looks after her own three children. ‘We’re so lucky to have such wonderful children,’ she says (and this is just one of maybe 100 times she says she’s been lucky, or blessed during our talk).

Less lucky was her son William, the academic golden boy, level-headed and hard-working. After attending Gordonstoun with his brother, he went on to do a business course. She describes the day of his death at 19 as though she has thought about it every day since.

‘He came home from his course on a Friday, and I made roast lamb. “It’s your favourite,” I said to him. Then we had a wonderful evening all together; nothing special happened, it was just very happy. The following morning he said, “I need to go and get The Times ” – we’re a Telegraph family – “there’s an article in the business pages I want to read. Can I take the little car?”

This was a small sports car my husband had restored, and William was a sensible driver. Off he went with Annabel, and of course’ – she pauses – ‘he just drove too fast’ – long pause – ‘in a village just up the road.’ I can’t look at her. ‘The doorbell rings and there’s this young policeman standing there, and I knew what he was going to say. I could see it was dreadful for him. And you feel more sorry for him than for you.’

Now we both have tears in our eyes. How can she face the worst thing that can happen to anybody, the death of a child, and still have the compassion to think about the policeman?

‘We rushed to the hospital where they had taken Annabel, and you know, they are so wonderful in hospital: “Sit down, have a cup of tea” – horrible tea. And suddenly there was Annabel, covered in mud, running down the corridor in her pink tracksuit. Gorgeous! If William walked through that door now I wouldn’t be surprised.’ And she smiles as though she can see him, still 19, in her mind’s eye.

‘We were so lucky to have him. Of course,’ she says, twinkling away a tear, ‘something like that, it does harden you. If I drop a favourite cut-glass bowl or reverse the car into a wall I’ll think, “It doesn’t matter. Nothing worse can happen.”‘

I know what I’m singing on the bus tonight

I love it when you find ( or are led to ) hidden parts of London ,that you didn’t know existed – and I’m not talking about the 4th floor toilets in Selfridges- although they were rather swanky and hard to get into (although not quite as confusing as the ones in The Tate Modern ). Today Lorna and I went on an official Olde Mayfair Walk. Shepherds Market is a lovely area – lots of nice looking cafes and beautiful churches and squares and architecture . We were told lots of interesting facts ,by Richard III – which I’ve instantly forgotton and then we then sauntered over to a beautiful shop ‘Things British’ in Kingly Court,Carnaby Street where Lorna’s pictures are sold .

Then remembered I am dining with Mary M tonight , so Phil,Kirstie and Gareth are on hold .

Then I opened my package and my S.B. CD has arrived

I jest not – it exists

It only took five minutes and he was sleeping like a baby .Normally that’s OK at home..in bed…in front of the TV …listening to me talk about my day etc. But this was at the cinema .Luckily the snoring was kept to a minimum .Last night John and I went to see ‘The Imposter’ – a good film ( so I thought ) , true story , which if it was a fictional film ,you wouldn’t believe it could be true- am I making sense ? But ,in my view ,it could have easily been a one hour TV documentary – which wouldn’t have made any difference to John’s slumbering habits ( unless he was wathching ‘The Shed Channel’ ).

sadly ,no-one threw a sliced potato at me

I have fallen in love…..with ( in no particular order ) 1. Susan Boyle 2. Glasgow. 3 .Glaswegians 4.Lochs and mountains

The show ‘ I Dreamed a Dream’ was fantastic.It told the life story of Susan Boyle, and it explained a lot about her and how she behaves and what happened to her pre and post BGT .Elaine C.Smith ,played her .At the end ,the whole cast got standing ovations, the clapping went on for ages ,the ensemble did their encores, the houselights went up, people reached down for their bags and/or cans of Iron Brew.Then suddenly the lights went down ,a huge spotlight came up and onto the stage ,walked Susan herself .The audience went wild .When she sang ‘I Dreamed a Dream’ I swear there wasn’t a dry eye in the house .We all clapped just at the same time the audience did on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ ,the very first time she sang it . We all got up , she sand a different song, we sat down , she finished ,we stood up and the clapping and cheering went on and on and on .It was a very special moment .Florence and I celebrated at CitizenM with classy cocs.

I could go on and on about all the stuff we did, how friendly the people were – even though I only understood about a tenth of what they said -, how fabulous the food was , how beautiful the Loch Lomond landscape was ( we got a train and a bus up To Luss on the western shores ), how buzzy the area Florence lives in .But I won’t ,cos I’ve just off to order my Susan Boyle CD

Bring on the battered pizza and buckfast chasers

Thanks to Susan ,Declan and Florence ,for today I am leaving on a jet plane ( cue the singing Claire ) .

Susan ,as in Subo, as I read rave revues about ‘ I Dreamed a Dream ‘ ,a new musical about her life .After much googling I found it wasn’t on anywhere down south , so I booked the next best thing – Glasgow .

Declan, because he is one of the most kindest and generous and lovely friends and he treated me to my flights .

Florence because she has to endure yet another piece of musical theatre with me and gets Mumsie to stay for three nights …can’t wait for all those student parties – do they still do ‘Oops upside your head’? ( in kilts )

A great film – more happy than sad

Saw the film ‘Untouchable ‘ last night . It moved me deeply .Apart from the man’s wealth , there were so many parallels with Jane . The quadriplegic man ( who like Jane was paralysed from the chin down ,and had no sensation in his body , yet suffered these terrible ghostlike pains resulting in panic-attacks) was completely dependent on his carer ( or enabler or P.A. or whatever you want to call them ) .The film ,based on true events , was about the relationship with Phillippe , a Parisian millionaire ,and his carer, Driss, who had come over from Senegal when he was eight , had a chequered past and only applied for the post so he could claim benefits.They built up an amazing relationship ,and the moment the carer left him , hit me hard .I’ve seen it so many times with Jane .She builds up a relationship , she trusts them, likes them ,she doesn’t constantly have to tell them what to do /what she needs/how to position her etc. ,they become friends ,and then they go .It broke her heart , it exhausted her and she never bounced back quite as high .

More about blogs

Barbara ‘Cutie’ Cooper is an agony aunt in her mid-90s who gives advice on line on her blog .She speaks a lot of sense . These are her wise words on grief

” Grief affects each person uniquely. You cannot predict or control it .You must endure it, accept it and let it pass through you so you can move on .”

Apart from the phrase ‘move-on ‘ , I agree with her whole heartedly.

Jacob ‘Cutie’ Dwyer is an artist with a residency at de Ateliers in Amsterdam .These are a few of his wise words he wrote on a postcard .” Last thursday was the opening of The Stedelijk Museum ( after being closed for ten years ) .Ateliers participants were invited, so we were looking round the gallery til 11pm in the company of the Dutch Queen and anyone big from the art world…….”

I thought you might be interested

…you may disagree

Blogs are odd .Even the name is odd- blog- where did that come from ? Are they about ….vanity ,showing-off, common interest , non-common interest , a record, a diary , a self-indulgence or what ? Sometimes I go to type and it flows , sometimes I click on her website ,see Rosie’s photos and I freeze , I’m too sad , I want her too much , so I cry , walk away , get busy ,do stuff .

Today ,the photo of her and Holly jumped out at me .Their raw happiness .I want her bad .So it’s going to be bitty .My brain is bitty ,it’s jumping ,avoiding ,pounding -sad .

We’ve been busy -lovely busy .Friday ,a river walk ,friends for supper. Saturday , a train ride to beautiful Bruton in Somerset ,lunch in an old chapel, a walk along the River Brue and a climb up to a sixteenth century dovecot. Today , watching friends run in The Ealing Half Marathon , and then this evening a Scandinavian supper – the guests ,not the food .

But the constant , the stable ,my reason for living will always be my love for Jacob,Florence and John. they might not realise it , but they keep me sane .

It’ll be Nigella next

Mary , all this talk of your buns has got Jamie O. on the old bandwagon of smut . I spotted him last night in the ES holding up a poster ‘ Fancy a quickie ?? # jamies 15 mm’. I’m not sure if he’s talking about minutes or millimetres

new people

I had a very special afternoon .I met up with Dominic Gray ,his husband Reuben and we sat outside in the sunshine in The White Cross ,looking out over The Thames and Richmond Bridge. I’ve mentioned Dominic before , Jacob,Rosie ,Florence,John,Grandma,Jane, plus anyone who ever saw a Waterman’s Panto, loved him ( oh no I didn’t …) as did I – and still do -he is a very kind ,communicative ,funny, caring man who has gone through a very tough time . Directly from his last panto, Aladdin, he was admitted to Barts ,where he had major surgery to remove his cancerous sinuses. I won’t go into detail ,but he has lost a lot of his hearing,his sense of smell ,his facial bones and his weight.he can no longer act , but he does direct and we share the same distraction therapy – musical theatre .So when we meet in a couple of weeks ,we choose something to see over the winter .

But to me , he will always be the man that could wear THAT Pamela Anderson Baywatch , red swimsuit , and look good in it !

And plenty of almond paste

I’ve decided I’m giving up work and going into writing .My first book is going to be titled ‘Fifty Four Shades of Brown ‘, thus incorporating my age and my maiden name . Haven’t quite thought of the plot yet , but it’s going to involve, cable-ties, duct tape, rope and the Screwfix Catalogue. Everyone is going to wear limp greyish clothes , mainly because they have too much in their lives to bother waiting an hour for a sixty degree wash ( nothing wrong with a quick one ) to finish and then to get the iron out . That is the first part of the trilogy , I’ll get back to you with ideas for the sequel although I thought it might involve Mary Berry’s ( hot and firm ) buns in a special edition of her and Paul H.in The Great British Bake Off .

The exception is my students

I find large groups of people hard ,unless I don’t know them. So after breakfast with Emma, lunch with Celia , it was dinner with eight friends , which turned into twenty-eight ,when we joined in with the next tables 50th birthday celebrations ,sharing their cake and singing ‘Happy Birthday ‘ in Farsi !

They all worked there..Jacob-fish and meat,Rosie-cheese,Florence-check-out

Forty five months on and I continue to do nice stuff ( it’s vital to help keep my head in order ), with caring people. Yesterday it was Richmond Park , today it’s Wisley .Saturday it’s Kew Gardens , then an Iranian dinner. Five weeks on and John and I are still attempting the crossword .This means we buy and read a daily paper , this means I know more about what is going on in the world , the downside being ‘Fifty Shades Freed’ is taking rather longer to read than the other two . I always head straight for the intellectual stuff – weather,theatre reviews, obituaries, T.V. and then any other bits that catch my eye .Yesterday it was ‘Tweet revenge on Waitrose and all it’s posh customers’. Apparently ,on Twitter Waitrose challenged shoppers to finish the sentence ” I shop at Waitrose because….not realising people would jump on the bandwagon of sending their posh image up .”.My favourite answer was “because I was once in the Holloway Road branch and I heard a dad say ‘Put the papaya down ,Orlando !'”

That and doing two thirds of the crossword ( without techy help ) and the the new Gareth programme and Tuesday nights ‘Bad Education’ made for a good night.

Of course I am glad for him and his family he survived and went on to do great things .He is 19

‘Mind the gap’ – that’s what one of the many psychotherapists I’ve seen over the last three years and nine months ,said to me .She meant stuff that hits me out of the blue and sends me into a very difficuilt place to come back from . It happens daily , sometimes hourly and it can be a smell, a song, a word,- in fact dam well anything anything . Even though I’ve written about this before, I wasn’t prepared for the full impact,and last night I tripped, fell and sank right into the chasm . I was lying in bed reading The Sunday Times Magazines’s centre spread ‘A celebration of the London 2012 Paralympic Games ‘ ( you know how passionately I feel about them ) .Johnnie peacock ,in Armani Boxers in a David Beckham type black and white photo,adorned the cover – he looked fabulous. I went on to read ”Johnnie Peacock contracted meningococcal septicaemia aged five and lost his lower right leg….I couldn’t read anymore

”You should try everything once ,except incest and morris dancing”- Sir Thomas Beecham

Andrea get tasting that whisky , we have to be thought of as interesting. I heard on the radio tonight, that research shows that middle-age starts at 55 , with old age following on ,14 years later. We have a year to go ( poor Johnnie’s already a year into it ), to do all the stuff we haven’t done ,with a chance of remembering it !The lady from Saga also said in a years time we’ll be overwhelmingly upbeat and have more confidence – she obviously hasn’t met me .

I never actually managed to head the ball, but i could dive through the hoop

But I would drive 500 miles
And I would drive 500 more
Just to be the mam who drove 1000 miles
To fall down at your door………….and then clean the kitchen .

Have just got back from our highland fling . We started off in Glasgow taking Flo to her huge, lovely flat – did you see the film ‘Shallow Grave’ ? It is a bit like the one in that only rougher round the edges – but in a fabulous buzzy area . Stayed the night in our Dutch, Citizen M Hotel ( perhaps to even it out ,when we stay with Jacob in Amsterdam ,we’ll stay in a Glaswegian one ).Then drove west to the coast and caught the ferry to The Isle of Arran .OMG I am in love with the place , it is stunningly beautiful and everyone was so friendly and helpful .We walked and walked and climbed up and down hills and cliffs,got lost in in forests and spent ages on the beach .We saw the highest waterfall I have ever seen in the UK-Glanashdale Falls -and for one lovely moment I closed my eyes and thought I was back in Yosemite with Jacob, Rosie and Florence .We saw seals , they basked and played and fought ,then one put on a show for us ,jumping out of the water and diving back in , all the way across the bay – I closed my eyes , this time we were all in Seaworld watching Shamu .We loved Shamu – he became our holiday mascot ( he went on to kill his trainer three years later , and so was de commissioned ! ) then i thought about how we used to take it in turns to be ‘Shamu- The Killer Whale ‘ in our pool ,and would head the ball ,while jumping in ! Such happy happy holidays . I won’t go on about the food, the hotel , the scrabble ( I won twice ), the distillery, the beers,the views , the scenery ,but I will mention the breakfast….porridge ,Arran style, with double-cream,brown sugar and local malt whiskey , followed by kippers and brown bread and butter ( all low cal ? ). It even stayed down for the crossing home

Tomorrow we cross the border

Tomorrow we are driving to Scotland .First stop Glasgow/Florence’s new flat no doubt followed by Sainsburys/Wickes/Poundstretchers/battered pizza shop etc etc .Then we catch the ferry for a couple of days in The Isle of Arran -wellies ,phrasebook and passport packed

From CS Lewis ‘A Grief Observed’

“For in grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often — will it be for always? — how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, “I never realized my loss till this moment”? The same leg is cut off time after time.”

Very deep thoughts

On Friday, ‘the three and a half sisters’ walk was amazing ,beautiful and uplifting. For one second, when you looked at the view- the turquoise sparking sea , the soft green landscape,the deep blue sky , and then closed your eyes – you could have thought you were in Greece .Until I was told to open them again , as we were in fact near the each of the cliff at Beachy Head ,that well know suicide spot, and it was time to go down to the beach for our ( second ) picnic.

Then on Saturday , we went to The Paralympics, this time wheelchair basketball , which was equally as amazing and uplifting, but with a few more oohs and aahs.

I could go on and on about The Paralympics- it really got into me. But ,the 2 people(s) that really got in very deep were ….1.Ellie Simmonds and 2. Any athlete who was disabled through having meningitis.

Ellie ,because she has achondraplasia, as did Jane. I thought about stuff like how I had to go to ballet with Jane, even though I loathed it . Then when Jane was at high-school and I was at primary school , I had to walk her bike ( too small for me to ride ) down to the bus-stop, wait for her to get off the bus , she’d cycle home and I’d walk home and carrying her school bag !It sounds like I’m moaning , but I’m not , we got on like a house on fire and I’d have done anything to make sure she wasn’t bullied .I had a very happy childhood .I believe when you have disability in your family, it becomes the norm .It is only later on in life you realise the strain and the worry your parents had .I am proud to say , to my knowledge jane was never bullied. ….. and no.2 because every time meningitis was mentioned ,I instantly thought of Rosie and how she /we would have coped with life if it had been cruel to her in a different way . Those thoughts are just too hard to cope with .

* the director, not The Butch Cassidy one

While Florence spends the day dressed as a unicorn ( or similar ) ,on The isle of Wight , and Jacob makes a film about his yellow wall ( trying not to be influenced by Steve McQeens’s *,Bobby Sands ,one ).I am off ,for one of my last, yet favourite , walks of the season .lets call it the ‘two and a half sisters walk ‘ .Start on the beach at Newhaven , climb the cliffs at Seaford – go quiet at this point , concentrating on breathing ,but pretending to admire the view, picnic on the top – looking out over The seven Sister, onto Cuckmere Haven, glass of chilled white in The Golden Galleon , scenic route bus to Beachy Head ( cutting out four and a half sisters ), walk DOWN the cliffs into Eastbourne ,sundowners and 2nd (M&S) picnic on the beach .Train back – more sundowners on train .

Then tomorrow we are off to the Paralympics- all lovely stuff.

I’m very proud

Through Florence and Jacob I have been to 2 very special and very different evenings .On Tuesday I went to Florence’s employer, Kate’s ‘Bring your Mother to work ‘ evening .It was lovely and sociable and on a barge moored on The Thames near Hampton Court . There was food and drink and chat and photos – it was happy and positive .You can look at Kate’s work on www.katemccgwire.com .She makes such beautiful stuff

Then last night, straight from work Florence and I went to ‘will happiness find me? ‘. I sat through Jacob’s film one and a half times .I loved it and with everyone who came in and watched it, I resisted saying ‘my son made that’. Holly and Stu came to , then we went over to Peckham’s ‘Bar Story ‘ for classy cocks ( Rosie’s name for them , not mine ),Happy Hour .Unfortunately we missed our second HHCC by 1 minute ( they are very strict south of the river ) ,so had to go on to beer and wine and nachos.

Jacob’s exhibition

We’ve heard from Jacob in Amsterdam .he’s sharing an apartment with 3 Dutch guys and has bought a sit-up-and-beg-bike .

His film is currently being shown at The Curzon Mayfair ( joke ) , it’s actually part of an exhibition…here are the details

”………….on Tues is the opening of the Kingston show in Peckham at the Hannah Barry gallery. it goes from 5-8.
Its also on from 11-6 weds, thurs, Fri. Heres the website: http://willhappinessfindme.co.uk/press-release/
If you do go, please take some photos to show me and also pick up a publication/brochure. They look good.
Thanks Jacob ”

XXX

On Saturday morning I went to the Paralympic Athletics .It was amazing .The whole thing – the stadium-the atmosphere-the competitors-the picnic-the walk round the park afterwards. We were there from 10-1.30 , in great seats just up from the finish line .Luckily ,my friend had an app on her phone which told us what all the codes were T43 ,T 48 etc , so we knew the disability of the athletes .We saw loads of 100m women’s heats. Some of these women had no sight and ran with a guide .We learnt the guide was not to cross the line first , so that made for more tension .We saw Richard Whitehead win the 200m final for GB . He is a double leg amputee ,who runs on 2 blades .We saw shot-put and long jump too .Flags go up, flags go down ,anthems are played .One poor guy ,Houssein Omar Hassan , a 35year old runner from Djibouti hobbled the 1500 metres in over 11 minutes which is about seven and a half minutes after the other runners.The roar as he completed the race was deafening. Almost everyone in the 80,000-seat Olympic Stadium was on their feet cheering their man home. These were not cheers for a winner but simply for the act of taking part. Rather than give up, and having been well and truly lapped, Omar Hassan, his country’s only participant in the Paralympics, was determined to complete the race. I started to cry and just couldn’t stop. In my tears everything came out ….my sadness ,my longing for Rosie , Jane’s disability and the last painful years of her life , poor Grandma and how it was so unfair she lost her sight ,her hearing and her mobility, my worries for my family , the tears just flowed and flowed .I tried to hide them at first , but then i just gave up.

I couldn’t look and when I did ,I couldn’t breath- I was hysterical

Last night John was the Conjuror at the Court . In the final act ,he was asked up on stage and invited to blow into his kazoo . This he found very difficult .Then the magician/ conductors piano stool broke and so John had to prop him up using a stair banister- as well as playing his kazoo on cue – which was a pout from the propped up maestro . It was a gem – not quite Last Night of the Proms- but nearly .

yesterday we had lunch outside ,looking at Tower bridge in a storm – beautiful

Little Johnnie’s 56 today …so I’m going to show him a few tricks tonight ….we are going to Conjuring at the Court .

Meanwhile little Jacob is packing to go to Amsterdam for 2 years .He has a place at De Ateliers .It is wonderful for him and we are very proud , but as they say…missing him already.

Meanwhile Florence and I have an appt at West Mid- never an easy visit

Shame he doesn’t bake

Last nights ‘Accused’ was a bit of a damp squib – all a bit unreal and stupid really -unlike the first two .I thought the Sean Bean one was brilliant , the Anne Marie Duff one was good .But who am I to judge , couldn’t write a script if you put me in a darkened room for three days ( or 3 minutes come to that ). ‘Bad Education’ on the other hand ,once again , made me laugh out loud .I love it ,I love the students and I love him ,Jack Whitehall . I went out with my friend yesterday (who shall remain anonymous in case he’s mobbed). I think he looks like an older Jack Whitehall ,he thinks he looks like a slimmer Paul Hollywood………….

Sadly,I’m still stumbling

I continue to read newspaper stories about young people who have died .Whatever age ,sex, race, religion they are ,I feel the deepest pain and despair for their loss of life and their family’s anguish . I remember in the weeks after Rosie died ,there was a lot of news coverage of atrocities in The Gaza Strip .There was one film of a father picking up his dead child from the rubble and just holding him close and sobbing – it broke another piece off my already broken heart .I wept for that family. I also marvel at how articulate some bereaved parents are ,saying stuff I feel ,but just quite can’t put into words .Yesterday I read about Cindy Corrie ,whose 23 yr old daughter Rachel ,was killed in Gaza ( just a coincidence to my reference earlier ).These are a few snippets of stuff she wrote that resonated with me

After hearing her daughter had died – ”the worst moment of my life .I stumbled through the following, hours ,days and weeks, feeling physically ill. I couldn’t sleep, I would drift off and then feel jolts of pain through my arms.And then there was that thing of going to sleep and then waking up and finding that it isn’t a nightmare but it’s real and it’s always there every day .

The loss the void is permanent.You feel it every day of your life.What happened to Rachel will never be OK .All you ever do is take the next breadth and the next step. I’m still just taking the next step, but you get to the point where it’s OK to do that”

Love it

Thank you Bert for choosing such lovely photos .

The photo of Florence,Rosie and Jacob running in the sea, was taken around 1998 in Rosas ,Spain .In those days we drove there .It is one of my favourite photos of the 3 of them .I have it on the wall ,to the right of my bed ,so it is one of the first images I see when I wake up in the morning. The next photo was taken in The Clarke’s kitchen ,I think at Georgina,Helen and Katies’ Sept 2008 ‘Ladies that Lunch’ party . Finally ,that wonderful photo of Rosie and Ollie on the subway in NYC ,2007 .I adore that photo , it is so natural , and the contrast between their 2 faces is amazing .Rosie and Ollie chugged along really nicely together.

Changing the subject completely, take a seat and brace yourself -here is the funniest joke from this year’s Edinburgh Fringe, courtesy of Comedian,Stewart Francis ” You know who really gives kids a bad name ? Posh and Becks”

My fish is still alive

We are back from a lovely week in Walberswick .That place never ceases to capture my soul .I guess it’s got a lot to do with the fact I have been going there since I was young ,it is beautiful ,that Jane’s ashes are scattered there and Grandma requested her ashes be scattered there too . All sounds morbid ,but it’s not .When I’m there I see all of us , especially Jacob, Rosie and Florence ,on those swings or catching crabs or in the sea or having a cream tea .I also see their friends…Alex, Charlotte ,Georgina, Helen,Kate, Laura, Natalie,Ollie and Tim , who stayed there with us at various times

Don’t know about you ,but on holiday we have little things we always do ( see above plus- played boules, contract, doms,did the late night-pitch-black-Walberswick-loop-beach-walk , beach BBQ, got lost on a walk- not the LNPBWLBW one – this year it was a Covehithe loop,when we ended up in a field full of brambles ,walk/cycle to Southwold pier and do all the Tim Hunkin stuff , dinner in The Anchor and The Bell,eat fresh crab at the harbour , fish and chips by the sea , have a few domestics- it’s not all ‘Walton’s Mountain’ ).Well we did all those ,but this year we did some new stuff ….1.Saw a seal 2. I went swimming in the sea ,every morning at 8 am .I met Caroline,Matthew and Shirley-Ann ,on the beach ,and in we ran -I LOVED it .Freezing , but fantastic. 3. Looked up ,for Rosie’s Star 4. Took more stuff to the beach , including our new camping table – great for scrabble and picnics , plus John took his new Father’s Day pop-up Quercha tent .It went up in 2 seconds and looked cool and trendy (?) , unfortunately ,we never mastered the art of taking it down .Only Florence could do it – so we only put it up once .As a result John has a peeling head. 5. Did the crossword.One day one I read ‘ a study in The New England Journal of Medicine of 469 people over the age of 75 found that doing crosswords four times a week reduced the risk of dementia by 47%’ and so everyday we bought the paper and sat on the beach and had a go at it .Days 1-4 were fantastic ,I only texted 2 friends for answers to clues about music , day 5 and we only managed half , and now we have to wait Tuesday for the answers.Sort of gone off the boil with that one.

It’s nice to be home – and the good news is ,the washing machine is fixed

So ,I clapped even louder

Thursday evening and another show . You’ve probably gathered I love going to musical theatre, especially fringe stuff -a) because it’s cheap b) cos you are up close and can see their faces ( much easier if you don’t hear so well ) c)I love seeing the most amazing talent to come out of all these wonderful drama schools …I can never understand in this country ,why the same people get all the big parts e.g. Keira knightly ,I’d rather watch a plank of wood act. d) I don’t get invited to ‘gatherings’ much anymore ( I’m NOT moaning or feeling sorry for myself ,that’s just the way it is ) e) and this is failure on my part – have to be busy ,have a focus, feel safe and while I’m seeing a live performance ,I can escape from all the sadness in my head and be absorbed in something neutral.. The negative of small venues is…they are hotter inside than out , the seats are usually narrow , you are squished up close to the person next to you ( could be a positive ) BUT the drinks are cheap and the audiences seem more vocal and passionate – probably because they are related to one of the cast .

Last night but one ,we went to the King’s Head ,Islington, to see ‘the Great Gatsby’. I loved it , the roaring twenties, what an era- the dancing, the singing ,the 2 pints dry cider ,the proud Grandpa ,sitting next to me ,who couldn’t still in his seat and clapped louder than me ( at an Oakland’s concert once, another parent asked me not to clap so loudly …so you can imagine what I did ) .It ticked all the boxes-job done !

But my evening was nothing compared to Florence’s – an audience with Usain Bolt himself …well actually Flo and Nat spotted him coming out the TV studios and got a picture.

We are off to Walberswick today for a week – bet I catch crabs.

A hear it used to be for the young and trendys , now it’s for oldies like me

Oxford is beautiful , got the train there yesterday.Once we’d found our way out of the station, via the M&S food-hall , down to the river , we walked through the stunning colleges into The wonderful Botanic Gardens( where we picnicked ), past the library and into The Ashmolean Museum – we realised we were in the wrong place – we were meant to be in Cambridge-joke. We had actually gone with a purpose , to see Jenny Saville’s work .BUT there were only 2 of her huge charcoal drawings in the Ashmolean , the rest were at The Oxford Museum of Modern Art .By this time it was pi**ing down and we CBA’d to walk there , so we went to the rooftop cafe instead .And in an odd sort of way this all links up as Rosie did a big study of Jenny Saville’s work in her A level years.Talking of rooftop carparks ( sort of )which ,has anyone been to Frank’s in Peckham -is it worth a visit ??

Thank God there weren’t A*’s when I was taking them

A Levels are out today .I wake up , hear that one sentence on the radio ,and my mind takes me straight back to 4 years ago in our little chalet ( hut ) we were holidaying in in Spain .Jacob and Rosie had flown back the previous Sunday , having sensibly thought 10 days in a hut with the parents could destroy the positive relationship we once had .They had been replaced by Natalie and Fiona, to ensure that Florence wasn’t stuck with us for a week thus destroying the pos ….etc etc .Rosie phoned , she was so so very happy with her results .We were so so happy with her results .But ,I have to add that although I am very proud of all the results our three children have achieved , I couldn’t tell you now what subjects they are in,let alone the grades .It is all so important at the time ,but now seems to have gone into that melting pot of stuff in my head.Its all a big GCSE/A level blur .

For 90minutes ,my head is in a very safe place

I fell in love again last night , I’m very fickle .Went to see ‘Le Gateau Chocolat’- he was wonderful . He has loads of hang-ups ,which he talks about …his size ( he’s rotund ,even after loosing 7 stone ), his race ( Nigerian ), his sexuality ( gay ) , his job ( he sings opera in drag ) , his parents ( don’t know he is gay or what he does -but think he might be using his law degree ) and boy can he sing . At times it was very sad ,at times completely uplifting .He got us all up dancing to Madonna’s ‘Holiday .He had his band (dressed in lycra- he loves lycra ), up dancing , he continually changed costumes/wigs etc- every time stripping down to his leotard . Florence and I were lucky enough to be picked on . He held her face in his hands , then held my face to his large, but very firm, chest . He opened with ‘Don’t Rain on my Parade’ by Barbara Steisand ( one of Jane’s favourite songs), did a beautiful version of Radiohead’s ‘Creep’ and had us all singing to Sinead O’Connor’s ‘Nothing Compares to you’ .

I must admit ,I had a little weep .

The Olympics

They were wonderful weren’t they , for everyone …for the competitors ,for the viewers, for the volunteers ( I put my name down in 2006 – withdrew in 2009 ), for London , for Great Britain . The Opening and Closing ceremonies , had mostly fantastic ,magical,stuff …with a few blips ( Annie Lennox , George Michael’s 2nd song , Russell Brand to name a few ), but the people I looked out for were Gemma Gibbons,Tom Daley and Sarah Stevenson . To be so young and to have had your Mum, Dad ,or in Sarah’s case ,both ,die, must be terrible and what very few people ‘get’ about our grief ,is that it exhausts you . Which makes me think I’m going wrong somewhere…must dash , just off for my first pole vaulting lesson.

13.8.92

My baby is 20 today . Don’t know what we’ll do .My big boy is coming back from Newcastle , and my bigger boy is at work. My baby is still tucked up .I love her very much.

Where to next ?

Florence is home safe and sound from her adventures in Helsinki ( 6 hrs), Krakow and Budapest .Her trip was not without incident and a mission to find an A&E in Hungary .

My trip ,only had ‘one little near-miss but could have been an embarrassing and messy ‘ incident.Afer a wonderful day at the seaside…beach ,picnic,snooze,stroll, cuppa, beach, sundowners, a couples of bottles wine, nibbles, fish and chips, my friend ( who wishes to remain nameless) came over all funny ,on the train home, went white, clammy and for one dreadful moment ,feared she was about to projectile vomit over the romantic couple ,sitting directly opposite her. But she was stoic, dug deep, swallowed it and made a dash for the toilet .

Another minibreak

Looking forward to sniffing those oysters .

I’m off with 3 friends to catch the train – picnic/cossie/everydamshadeof fifty packed.

It rocked

”I’ve come home, I’ve done my time
Now I’ve come to know what job is and isn’t mine
If you received 16 texts telling you I’d soon be free Then you’ll know just what to do
If you still want me ( to teach you how to empty the portapotty ) If you still want me ( to teach you how to empty the portapotty )”

Sally -this ones sung to the tune of Tony Orlando’s ‘Tie a yellow Ribbon’.Another of your Sister’s favourites?

The 16 texts refer to the ones Adam received yesterday morning after my phone went crazy and then kaput .So I came home ,shot to T Mobile and treated myself to a new phone – £7.95- a bargain , it does nothing but make phone calls.

Dorset ( and the van ) were wonderful .We stayed at Eype House Campsite and our pitch overlooked the sea .We dined at the Hive Cafe ,Down House farm , BBQ’ d , played scrabble, draughts,doms, , watched the 200m mens final at the pub, had Fivelive on continuously and swam in the sea – it was all very lovely , esp having Claire , Bob and Dylan the dog ,with us for a couple of days.

After my family ,friends, students ,Uplands residents, camper van,Matt le Blanc in Episodes, my seventh love is the sea – so I’m going back again tomorrow .This time to Whitstable

Ask Claire for the tune

All my bags are packed
I’m ready to go ( not )
I’m standin here outside our door
I hate to wake Jacob up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin
It’s early morn
John is waitin
He’s blowin his horn
Already I’m so nervous I could cry

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
Cause I’m leavin in a camper van
Don’t know when I’ll be back again ( prob Friday )
Oh babe, I can’t wait to go ( and see the sea )

Monday -part 1

Sally,thanks for saying that .

Well here is some stuff that effected me last week .I took a long time typing it and then the computer wouldn’t let me enter as one part – that’s why there are 3 – sorry .

Off walking today in The Chilterns today ,seaside tomorrow , with the Olympics in between .Look out for Johnney ,he is at The basketball tonight

Monday -part 2

I had read that article in the Guardian and there were so many bits that resonated with me .The three young people , who had all had a partner who had died suddenly , agreed “that even the most well meaning and loving friends and family can’t comprehend what it is to live day to day with the grief they carry.”.So true ,and I would like to add how physically tiring it is being so sad, and having to make such an effort to lead a positive fulfilled life . It might not appear so , but under the surface I am paddling away like crazy we do to keep myself, buoyant, active and happy

Monday -part 3

Last week I had an email from charity called ‘Grief Encounter’ .I hadn’t heard from them since Florence and I attended a disastrous group counselling session back in 2009. Anyway they were flagging up Friday nights documentary ‘Soham: A Parents’ tale ‘. So last night ,when everyone was tucked up ,I watched it .The film was an interview with Holly Well’s parents who discuss the barely imaginable task of coming to terms with such a loss, and in such terrible circumstances. They were wonderful.They were sad and heartbroken of course , but positive and striving to be happy .I have nothing but admiration for them and their son. Seeing people like them is good for me .Their daughter died 10 years ago ,Rosie ,only 3 years and 7 months ago- I sometimes feel I am still in shock .I think differently ,I feel great sadness constantly , But I am convinced ‘Stuff’ doesn’t matter- people matter ,life matters ,being safe, happy and helping others matters . At times I feel very lonely ,very guilty ,very excluded, very weary ,but I still see my Psychotherapist, and with her help,try and self- monitor my brain, my gash and my pain .And as they keep saying in The Olympics , you’ve got to dig-deep .

It must have been the excitement of all those golds, that caused her to sleep ,so deeply.

5.24am ,work up with a start , something was wrong , the house was quiet .Then the brain kicked in ,Florence’s cab was due in six minutes , but where was Florence ? …..Under her duvet , curled up and fast asleep .She was last seen at 5.31, running out the house ,stuffing things into her bag ,with a bright pink towelling turban on her head .I don’t think she was going to Krakow ,dressed as her alter-ego Camila Batmanghelidjh, just hadn’t had time for a shower ( does Ryan Air allow that ? ). She is going the cheapest way , via Helsinki .Don’t ask .

Thank-you

I cannot thank Bert enough for his patience and diligence in creating and updating Rosie’s website I’m no fool ,I know the number of people that look at it is dwindling , people’s lives change and now there are so many witty ,upbeat ,clever blogs , why read this one ? But of course for me ,it will always be about Rosie and also how I cope ( or not ) without her .She is as alive in my mind as Jacob and Florence ..and you know how much I love them .So today a couple of things have happened relating to this website

1. Under ‘Latest news from Kenya , you can read a letter from David ( the new art teacher at The Southend Academy , whom we all fund) and some of the students artwork -please look, it’s lovely.

2. A couple of weeks ago ,a lady called Ros, got in touch with me .I knew her and her 2 children about 15 years ago , but because she no longer comes over this way ,we lost touch .She only recently heard of Rosie’s death and was very shocked and so got in touch via this website .She lives in Amersham , and so today we met at Rosie’s Woods, dined at The Hit or Miss, and talked and talked and talked …and cried too .Next time we are meeting in Marylebone over dinner and a bottle of wine . It is always good for me to know that people care and want to stick with me and suggest different stuff to do .

We saw the English girls get knocked out

A huge thank-you to Richard and Sarah for taking us to The Beach Volleyball last night – it was amazing .A really special night . For me , it was probably; the best thing to go to , as I am so unsporty ,and apart from the volleyball ( crucial ) it was like a carnival – food , drink, music,dancing ( we even got up and did the Macarena ) ,Mexican Waves aplenty , cheering , DJ’s, cool moves ( not me ) etc etc .The atmosphere was wonderful .

London is buzzing at the moment , it is fantastic . I believe it can do nothing but good for this wonderful city . But as always in every crowd , for me there is something missing …..but I’m digging deep to keep upbeat about it all .

But today I got out of the city ,met Theresa, Elodie and Amelia and went across the most beautiful countryside ( although didn’t spot anyone dancing round the maypole ) on the Kent and East Sussex Steam Railway .Sensory overload– the coal , the steam , the smells, the fat controller , the olde worlde stations…and at the end the beauty that is -Bodium castle- stunning.

All wrong

And the answer ,according to the S.T. is 34 !! ( seems a bit excessive to me ) , what’s wrong with 3, one on, one in the wash and a lucky pair…which of course I’ll be wearing tonight ,when we go to The Beach Volleyball .

Answers on a postcard please

Question 6 , Sunday Times News Quiz 29.7.12

How many pairs of knickers does the average British woman own ?

While you ponder that ,I’ll dig out my Burqini- Fiona nad I are off to Folkestone today

campari cocktails and sangria helped with the hand-eye co-ordination

We have gold ! Not in team GB , but in our back garden .Laura and Eggburt won the gold . John and a sun burnt Tom Daley won the silver and Nikki and TCG won the bronze .It is important you know who came in 4th as it includes me and Highjumpawatha, Jacob and Usain Bolt and Stu and 4 Stu Daley.To save further embarrassment we won’t tell you where Adam and Adam (6th ), Florence and Rebbecca Adlington (7th ), Georgie and Bow Farra (8th ), Holly and Husain Bolt (5th ), Jo and Jude (joint 5th ) and finally Ryan and Ryan the Runner ( joint 6th ) came .

Us and our eggs, competed in long-jump, relay,volleyball and diving . Georgina provided the medals and Stu and Holly The Velodrome Cake ,complete with 4 cyclists .

Then after the awards ceremony, the tables were pushed back and the real ( over the washing line ) volleyball commenced . Jacob only had to climb over the fence twice to retrieve the ball and only one class got smashed , although a couple of spectators just missed having their noses broken .

No eggs were harmed in the making of these games.

I’ve been painted my egg this morning

He’s home , my boy-wonder ( a Batman phrase not me typing a creepy one ) has returned from another adventure .This time it was New Orleans,Texas,Mexico,Jamaica,Cuba and Panama . It is so lovely to have him back . On Saturday morning ,as John debated whether to go and see our boys cycle up Box Hill ( in retrospect ,it would have been quite a disappointment ), Florence and I shot off to terminal one ,Heathrow Airport .We bought our papers, watched important looking sporty people in Olympic tracksuits, give interviews and bedded in to wait at Costa Coffee. I know , you are shocked ,Florence in Costa , standards are slipping BUT , in her defence a) it is a franchise b) there wasn’t anywhere else c) we were both gagging for a cuppa . Anyway at about 9.25 , we spotted Jacob , and in true ‘T-mobile’ fashion , I ran up to him ,hugging him and crying . Jacob and Florence had expected this behaviour , so were prepared for a high level of internalised embarrassment .I on the other hand, couldn’t give a dam .It was lovely to have him home,albeit for a short while .

So once again , the fatted calf has been slaughtered, the table tennis table got out , the 4 amigos are together , plus our 2 lovely houseguests- Geraldine and Cornelius from Dubai , the playing cards resurrected. Last night we played ‘contract ‘and bloody boy wonder won ( six quid in the pot ) – not so popular now

And did we really need to know about Trevor Nelson’s family

Last Friday , 9 of my students left and I co-coordinated their Records of Achievement ceremony .That meant 9 sets of photos to music , 9 tributes , 4 guest speakers , 2 photo montages and loads of other stuff .I had masses of help , especially on the techy side , and while my students were proudly up on stage , I was quietly blubbing in the wings .The whole organisation of it sent me reeling- sleepless nights, cold sweats , lists on my lists . So how did Danny Boyle do last night ??

There were things landing from all angles and even the audience changed colour ( well their little hand held computer thingies ). To be honest at the beginning I was cringing and was thinking I bet the whole world thinks we’re mad – dancing round maypoles ( for one dreadful minute I thought it might evolve into ‘a Fifty shades of Grey ‘ theme ..with all those ropes ), skipping in the countryside , frolicking in the fields and then it became industrialised and just got better .It’s all a bit of a blur now, but I loved the hearing and non-hearing,signing choir – (I could sort of join in without singing ) and all the drumming and dancing and jumping and Rowan Atkinson and London lit up and the parachuting and Becks and fireworks and James Bond and the Military and The Chelsea Pensioners and The Queen picking at her nails and the D of E having a doze and people on bikes ( I swear I spotted Bradley ) pretending to be birds and the torch cauldron thing ( bloody amazing ).

It was hard to pull myself back ,after they showed photos of people who had died . But I did and I have to ask Danny …why did you end with Paul McCartney ? He couldn’t sing at The Jubilee Concert and Bruce Springsteen was so fed up with him , he cut them both off in Hyde Park ( he said it was cos he broke the curfew , but thatwas just a cover-up ).

My memory’s gone

I’m so sorry Florence – it wasn’t Rosie but you ,who dropped their tamogotchi in the pond …and we fished it out , and left it on the back shelf of the car to dry …but it still died.

Loved seeing the sea so much, I’m going back again today .

Eastbourne yesterday , Littlehampton today – spade and waterproof packed

Glad I went and saw the torch – not much to see ,but a lovely atmosphere

Rosie loved her Tamogotchi .So much so ,I had to take it to work with me and feed, change and play with it in my lunch breaks . Then one summers day ,Jacob,Rosie, Florence and I met Paula,Alex,Charlotte and Kate for our annual summer picnic at Hatfield House ( we varied it , sometimes it was Knebworth House ).We’d only been there 5 minutes ,when Rosie dropped her Tamogotchi in the pond .Up until that fateful moment ,it was the longest it had lived …3 days and 4 hours. Rosie took it well – if you call screaming for 20 minutes and going hysterical and ensuring the mass evacuation of 25 Japanese tourists in Elizabeth First’s Rose Garden . I’m not sure if we even fished it out the pond . I think she blubbed until we got the picnic out , then it became history

John’s seen it before in Glasgow

We’ve just had the potato Olympics at work . All students in post 16 classes were given a potato and had to personalise it .In our class we had Darth Vader potato Spiderpotatoman, ballerina potato ( paint it pink and put a white scrunchy round her waist ) , to name but a few . We then took our potatoes on the field and the competitive events took place .Each class could choose their 3 best potatoes to compete in 1) The long jump – roll your potato down a slide and see how far it goes 2.The diving – stand on a tyre and throw your ( heaviest ) 3 potatoes into a bucket of water – how many cm’s of water has gone down . 3.The trampolining – bounce your potato off a physio ball and see how far it goes ( few near misses here – they go pretty high ) 4. The Shot-put , with the whole class holding the parachute ,place your potato in the middle and then lob it into the playground ( huge design fault here as the parachute had a hole in the middle and so potato ends up on floor ,so you have to distract the adjudicator and lob it as far as you can )). I would like to add there was no cheating in any event ( ? ?) and no potatoes were harmed in the making of these games ( we were told that if there were any fatalities ,we had to put black armbands on our surviving potatoes ). Then we had the medal-giving-out-ceremony .With 1st,2nd and 3rd standing on the podium ( made of duplo ) we sang their national anthems . In fact they all had the Zimbabwe one ,as it’s the only anthem ,one of our students can sing .Still, no-one noticed.

Then stumbled out of work , all hot and sweaty , to find the main road empty of traffic , people lining the streets, the Conservative club having a BBQ and the Catholic church offering free coffee . For a minute ,I thought it was because Nicole ( she was in fact ‘Moulin Rouge’ themed , but none of us could remember the name of the character )Potato had won most points .But no it’s because the Olympic torch is coming our way …so john and I are just off to see it.

What a six pack

It’s just like waiting for a bus …none arrive ,then you see 3 at once ( or In Florence’s case 4 as she saw ‘The Hunter’ too ). After a chilled-out soupy kitchen, last night we went to see ‘ Magic Mike’ and liked it , didn’t love it , but thought it was good . I think I first fell in love with Mathew McConaughey when I saw him in ‘ A Time to Kill ‘ …. now that was a brilliant film . But he was unrecognisable in this – a sleazy ,oiled stripper .I thought he played the part fantastically .

Then today it’s back to work …we don’t break up til Thursday .I think we are the last school standing .

last nights little bog at the comedy fest ,wasn’t a patch on Bruce’s mudfest

Another bloody 21st month and it doesn’t get any easier .In fact people saying ‘isn’t it wonderful , the suns out , etc etc’ , makes it worse , because ,even though I love the sun , it doesn’t make a jot of difference to how I feel inside …and so it just hi-lights my pain. I’m glad they are enjoying it though .

Last week ,I did a Geoffrey .I tore out a little snippet from the newspaper and kept in it my purse , and when I felt wobbly I read it .Because another bereaved parent had written it ( their child was murdered on the 7th July ), I didn’t feel so stupid/lonely/isolated .

She said ”you don’t move on do you ? You just learn to live with this huge hole in your heart .There is always a hole in your heart ”

I so wish I had all my 3 children with me and that hole would be sealed – sadly ,that ‘s impossible.

he’s the one who beat Penn and Teller

Kate, Rosie used to eat apple cores , orange and lemon peel and all the nobbly bits of stuff ,no-one else would touch.

Luckily I opened a scabby-looking email today .It said ‘The Magical World of John Archer is cancelled’.That’s where we were going tonight .I love him , so down to earth and his tricks are so simple and amazing .So we’re avoiding sulking by going out for supper instead .

Skins on potatoes are a no no too

While Jacob gets slaughtered at ping-pong in Cuba , life goes on as normal in 106 .John works, Florence works ,I work and then we sit down to dinner with our Taiwanese students . We start off full of questions ,where have you been today , what have you seen , what did you buy at the shops , what did you have for lunch etc etc ? ( to them ,not each other ,we’re not living on Walton’s Mountain )..and then we give up .Conversations are hard to maintain ,when there’s only you talking .Then later on it’s bedtime …and they leave their big light on all night .I work with a Taiwanese guy, and he put me right on the food -they do NOT eat cold food ( explains why the salad on the first day was not such a hit ), but even he was puzzled by sleeping under a bright light ,I can’t even bear it if there’s a chink of light under the door

Amy McDonald was good too

He didn’t play it …but he did play everything else and was amazing . Bruce tried to get through the crowd to get me to be his Courtney Cox on stage , but it was just too dam packed ( and muddy ,plus the two billion tons of woodchips smelled of manure and anyway I was happy on John’s shoulders ). On the walk to the tube ,Lin and I were talking about the Jubilee Concert saying how pants Elton John and Paul McCartney were – couldn’t really project their voices anymore and should just retire gracefully or do small venues …then who comes on stage and joins Bruce for 2 last numbers- only Macca -they belted out ‘Saw her standing there’ and ‘Twist and Shout ” and of course we went wild ( me in a little jiggy sort of way ). Until one of Boris’s Westminster minions , pulled the plug, and it all went quiet . But , he hadn’t played that song and I’d seen a Beatle .

John should be out of traction in a couple of months…

He’s bound to

Today we are venturing into the quagmire , that is London’s version of the Amazonian Rainforest- Hyde Park , to see Brucie Springsteen . Lin and Andrew are down from Brum , we are calling for Claire and Bob on the way , I have the samosas,I’m wearing my walking boots , the waterproofs are packed , so all is good . Now I just have to brace myself in case he plays ‘Girls in their Summer Clothes’.

A day in the Life….

I’ve had twenty four hours of nudity, needles , homo-erotica, hula-hooping, mojitos , covorting on a highwire wearing nothing but a thong , star-spotting ( if Nancy Dell’olio counts ) and Sainsburys .No I’m not talking about the final chapter of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey ‘, but my actual day. Started out with Picasso and Modern European Artists ( nudity ), ended with acupuncture on my ankle ( needles ) and in between there was a Mexican dins and a visit to The Spiegeltent to see ‘Briefs’- an Australian all male circus cum boylesque cum drag show – very rude ( which also contained some dye and needles, plus more nudity ) . I don’t have to explain what Sainsburys is

AF

The eagle has landed …or the text has bleeped…we have communication .Jacob is in Cuba ,and loving it .

Leo ran for Rosie

Thank you Leo ,for doing this .It means so much to us . I hope all your body parts remain intact !

Please support Leo on

http://original.justgiving.com/leoruns4rosie

meanwhile everyone else was watching some guy blubbing in Wimbledon

Florence and I went up to the V&A this afternoon to see Holly’s beautiful illustrations .She is officially the winner of ‘The V&A’s Illustrator of 2012’ .Holly we LOVED your stuff ( my favourite was the tunnel one, Florence’s was the sleeping one) and we were so proud .We then went outside and sat in some wibbly wobbly chairs ,designed a bit like a spinnong top, and nearly broke our necks.

* No changes there

Thanks to Claire and Bob for the recommendation . Last night Florence and I went to see the brilliant film ‘Angel’s Share’. Florence kept up with the language ( it’s set in Glasgow ) and I was always about one sentence behind *.There was one crucial bit ,where they were talking about kilts, for about ten minutes ,I thought they were talking about coats ! Go see it – it is not pompous and the story revolves around a group of young offenders doing community service , their kind-hearted supervisor and fine-whisky tasting . The ‘Angel’s Share ‘ ,is the whisky that vaporises from the barrels. We both came out of the cinema feeling better than went we went in ( esp as fist we went to the wrong cinema and would have been subjected to 2 hours of Spiderman ), still full of snot , but happier in our heads.

Then came home to watch the amazing, funny , brilliantly acted, laugh-out-loud,last of the series…’Episodes’- until ‘Coach Trip’ comes back , the best thing on TV.

Rasputin would have been good

Last night I moved on up while searching for the hero inside myself .Went to see the fantastic Heather Small and M People at Kew gardens . Although my friend was a bit disappointed as she thought we were seeing Boney M ( and she booked the tickets ) and couldn’t understand why after the first few numbers she hadn’t heard ‘ By the rivers of Babylon’. .Heather was great , but not as good as Nile Rodgers and Chic, who were on before her .He was amazing .He belted out loads of songs we all knew that he sung on …Let’s Dance- David Bowie, Like a Virgin-Madonna, loads of Diana Ross . The whole of middle-class-Kew, kicked off their Berkinstocks, put down their Prosecco and showed off their cool moves . I sat and watched ,and enjoyed the view and the music .It was just what the doc ordered after an emotional day at work .Two of my students left early ,as they are going away .It’s not easy for me, saying good-bye to nineteen year olds.

7/7

I was incredibly moved by the documentary ‘ 7/7 : One day in London’

As you know , since Rosie died ,I have met many bereaved parents , some of whom I have become very close to .One of these is Hazel . Her beautiful daughter Laura was killed on the Edgeware Road train . Hazel is good to me , even coming to Uplands to visit Grandma with me, although they had never met ( both ex St Mary’s nurses ) .We come with our own set of baggage . So on Monday night , I watched the programme , half scared that something horrific would be said about Laura’s death and the other half of me scared that she wouldn’t be mentioned at all . But she was – three minutes before the end , her smiling face popped up on our screen and another passenger broke down while telling us how he had stayed with her while she died .This passenger was so moved that Laura’s brother ,sought him out at the inquest , thanked him and told him Laura was happy, bubbly ,kind and she would have wanted him to enjoy his life and not feel guilty for surviving. I don’t really know where I am going with is , in fact I can’t really see through my tears .I just feel deep sadness for all those victims and their families,even though I didn’t even know them.

I’m thorough and gentle

Ooh Lorna , can come and pick it out – I love doing stuff like that ? Anyone got a splinter or a boil they want lancing ? I have a friend ( naming no names ) who used to pay her teenage son £5 to let her squeeze his blackheads . A bargain I thought.

bless you

I have a streaming cold – you know the sort , lots of snot , headaches, hot , cold , weak, sneezy , etc.Last night I picked up our 2 new Taiwanese students .They arrived in Ealing around midnight .As they got off the coach , most of them had paper face-masks on .But not my two. By the time we got to Coldershaw Road , they had their fleecies pulled up over their noses and stood about 3 yards from me .

Now John’s not feeling too well…….I expect to see them in full body contamination suits by tomorrow .

You can’t miss us – it’s bright green

If I could have swopped places with Rosie 42months and 9days ago I would have . I’ve had 50years , she was due so much more . Last night I read an article by William Chubb. His wife, Cassandra Jardine died of cancer last month . Not long before she died ,he sent her an email saying amongst other things ,that it should have beem him ( with cancer ). he quotes the reply she emailed back.” Please don’t come out with these ‘it should have been me thoughts’ .Too Motown. And too fatalistic.There is no logic ,only biology”

Her last sentence is something I cling on to.Still doesn’t stop me asking the ‘why?’ question though.

John and I are off a little adventure today … in our new ( but very old ) camper van . We spent all yesterday cleaning it and re-chemical-filling our Portapotti 335 ( vital ) ,stood back ,admired our handywork ,and then tried to open the back door ,but couldn’t ,it had jammed stuff …so we’ll be doing a lot of climbing over stuff/each other/ in The Chilterns .

Don’t cheat by looking at the forum for the answer

I managed to get move David Grey to one side of my brain when I went to see a fantastic musical play ‘Spinach’ at The kings Head .Then came home ,checked ye olde mails and someone had put this on my Chiswick forum puzzle request thingey……

”OK, here’s one.

Imagine an empty room with white walls, no windows or mirrors or picturs or anything on the walls. Just a door. Three men sitting on chairs one behind the other, all facing in the same direction facing a blank wall. They are not allowed to turn around or talk to each other. A fourth man enters at the back of the room and tells them he has a paper bag containing 5 paper hats, 3 green and 2 red. He then takes three hats at random from the bag and places one on each man’s head. The men can only see the hat(s) in front of them, they cannot see their own hat. The man with the bag then asks if anyone can work out what colour hat he has on. After a couple minutes of silence the man at the front puts his hand up and says “I know”. What colour was his hat, and how did he know? (this is not a trick question, there are no missing facts) ”

Ann ,Stu and little Mart , you should go on that ‘ask the family’ quiz

Well done Stu…again . Ann , we need little Mart’s working out …no points without it . I got in such a pickles ,I posed the question on The Chiswick Forum ,and this was the explanation…..

The code is alphabet based:

1st letter +1 (B)
2nd letter stays the same (U)
3rd letter -1 (L)
4th letter +2 (B)

The 4th letter restarts the alphabet cycle.

Answer: BULB

Anyone hear John Bishop on Desert island Discs ? He had some lovely choices , especially the penultimate one , a David Grey song . Quite took the wind out of my sails , it is hard to pull back after that .

Stu is the only one going to grammar school

Well done Stu …the first one with the right answer .Claire – nil points , your word didn’t even have the right number of letters .Sally , I didn’t state it , but it’s blooming obvious- no proper nouns allowed .

Next test . Time yourselves , 40 seconds .no cheating and no use of electronic equipment …

Can you move one letter from the first word and place it into or add it to the second word to make two new and completely different words that are spelt correctly ( i.e. NO made up ones….Claire )? All the other letters must remain in the same order and both new words must make sense ( ditto )

plant moor

zzzzzzzz

‘He was amongst the chosen few.’

I can’t believe none of you found the 4 letter word in there , It ends one word and starts another …. it took me about 17 seconds ( that was in fact to look up the answer , I gave up looking for the word after about five minutes ).

I’ve been so busy this week , out every night , practicing my positive dance -moves and doing my brain gym . Didn’t really work , especially at my shrinks ( yes I still go and I know it doesn’t really count as a night out ) , or at the Conjuring ( scared i might get picked on for looking too keen – or on the other hand , they night have thought oddwoman and steered well clear – so I guess it did work there ), or at the theatre last night ( just pissed off the man sitting next to me ) .

So perhaps I should try something more passive to help keep this sad old brain of mine functioning properly – sleep therapy ?

Answers on a postcard please

As Arnold Bax once said ”One should try everything once, except incest and folk-dancing.” So today I took him at his word and went to a sermon at ‘ The School of Life ‘ entitled’ Good Moves’. It was different . We started all standing and singing to the first hymn ‘He’s the Greatest Dancer ‘ ( Sister Sledge 1979) and ended with doing the same to ‘Dancing in The Streets’ ( Martha Reeves and the Vandellas, 1964 ). The sermon was by Dr Peter Lovatt and it was about movement, music and primarily ,dance – how much does your body influence your mind ? Why are we encouraged to stay still and focus while learning stuff -why not move ? He had doing all sorts- dances, sequences, steps, chants and ended with a batch of brain-gym exercises – I loved it .Funnily enough I cannot say the alphabet .At infant school ,we were taught it by singing it ,and 50years later ,I still do the same .

Then I got on the tube and started reading the Sunday supplement…The 11 Plus , Your time starts now ..Allow 40 seconds per question.

Q1: If yesterday was the day that comes four days after Thursday, what is the third letter of the day that comes four days after tomorrow?

Took me about 2 minutes and I recon 1 min and 20 seconds of that was looking for a pen ?! I don’t think the brain gym had worked

I hope he doesn’t mind me sharing this with you

This is a little snippet of Jacob’s latest email …..”right now im in Cancun, Mexico- it is our last night- we’ve been in the jungle swimming in waterfalls and today we went to these natural caves and snorkelled. beautiful. caves full of bats and teaming with small catfish. saw one turtle too. we have no place to stay tonight cos at 4 am we need to be at the airport to fly to Jamaica- Kingston town. Cancun is a horrible city. the weathers terrible too here. just hangin around at a hostel right now. today I SHAVED OFF MY GINGER BEARD.”

This is a little snippet of my diary …”walked round Richmond Park.Saw lots of deer , 2 rabbits and a dead squirrel . Walking the Thames Path ( not all of it ,I’m not David Walliams) tomo . Anything to avoid the football. Couldn’t find a razor , so didn’t bother with the shaving.

42 bloody months , do I ever stop counting ?

Thank you Bert, lovely choices.

Clare , we are in Nyhavn, Copenhagen ,in the blog photo .Then in the photo of us where Jacob looks ‘like the boy who killed his father ( one of Grandma’s affectionate sayings ) we are on Manhattan Bridge NYC , on a scorching day in August 2007. The beautiful photo of Rosie sitting on the BWBLOP ( Bay Watch Babes Look Out Post ), as we used to call it , was taken at the end of a beautiful day on the beach in San Clemente,Orange County .I think it was probably us body boarding than inspired the programme The OC .

No debt , don’t say that too loudly, we’ll be lynched

Ooh Andrea, What was the name of the Japanese restaurant ? I am jetting up to Glasgow in October to drag Florence to a show with me .( I think I’ve exhausted all the friends who will come out with me down here – so I’ll start with Flo and work my way round the students at GSA , then just anyone in Glasgow, then Scotland ) The show is called ‘I dreamed a dream ‘ and its a musical all about the life of Susan Boyle . Sounds a complete cheesefest – but something to look forward to .And to think by then I’ll have changed my password around 4 times ( in MY dreams ).

Todays Top Tip

I’ve had the same PC login password for years . But recently I’ve had worms . Lots of them ,mainly from people with Hotmail accounts . Anyway , a computorywhizzkidfriend told me I should change my password every month ( not decade ) ,and to check how secure my password is ,to click on …..howsecureismypassword.net

So I did and the site told me it would take 43 seconds for a hacker to find my password .So I changed it ..to one with lots of %>*”~@:’s in it , and now it’ll take a hacker 600years. Brilliant , if I could only remember the dam thing !

Oh ,and we say adieu to our 2 Italians too

After seeing the fabulous ‘Cantina’ last night , John’s fathers day present is easy …I’ll put on my high heels and walk all over him , contorting as I go . To add to the mood he can strip naked while doing tricks with newspaper and singing a song .

Meanwhile across the pond , Jacob has visited Puebla,Cholula ( thought it was a dog ) and is soon to venture of into the rain forest .Meanwhile across the landing …we seem to have lost Flo under bags of art materials and charity shop stuff.

..and I’ve been to ‘Ealing Boards and Timbers’- the staff there are even more miserable than me !

Some days something gets stuck in my head and I just can’t budge it .Today it’s The Hanwell Carnival – all I can see is Rosie ,back in ( around ) 1995 ,dressed as Marilyn Monroe , striding down the Boston Manor Road , holding her placard and beaming . It’s driving me crazy – I want to reach out and touch her, hold her , kiss her .But I can’t .

We spent last night with some dear friends , I have had breakfast ( through tears ) with a close friend – one that lets me cry ,talks about Rosie , and never stops telling me it is unfair and continually shows unbounded compassion, protection ,love and allows me to take my mask off. Isis today,Theatre tonight – so I’m not exactly lying facedown in a vat of self-pity, so why is it all so hard ?

Then tomorrow it’s Father’s day – another tricky one .

Went into work first ,laid in bed half the night worrying , so went in to sort it ….and failed

Re discovered …

Battersea Arts Centre last night ( saw Operation Greenfield , indescribably mad )

and Brixton Market today .Bought a Sowetan rug and was spoilt for choice as to where to eat . Blimey it’s changed since my say 39 years ago .It still has it’s pigs heads,tripe ,vegetables that look like lumps of wood and fish I last saw in Sea World,Hastings. But now it has loads of amazing cafes and eateries .I could go back and back and back .We opted for Franco Manca …and very nice he was too .

I don’t blame Sam& Dave

We’ve all done it , left one of our kids somewhere. I reckon that’s why genetically we have kids in our earlier years , cos by now we’d never leave a supermarket with a full set. My worst memory is not leaving one ,but loosing one , and he wasn’t even one of mine – he was a resident of what was then called ‘ a Subnormality Hospital ‘. I was a teacher at the hospital school and on one trip ,of which there were many ( days before health& safety forms ), my assistant, Phyllis, and I took our class of 7 students to the adventure playground in the middle Kingsbury Water Park ( CWP does what it says on the box- dis-used gravel pits filled with water for skiing , kayaking etc ), . All went well until it was time to leave , we counted the heads ,then the legs ,and we were definitely one/two short . We shouted ‘Michael’ ( he had no speech to respond ) and took it in turns to run around the place .I was bricking it , I had visions of him lying face down in a pool of water .After about 20mins ,we decided it was time for Phyllis to get in the mini-bus, drive to the entry gate and dial 999….. when suddenly we saw the huge lorry tyre on chains ( a sort of swing ), shake .Michael had climbed into the tyre and wrapped himself round the inside . We got him out and I hugged him ,I kissed him ( not allowed now ) , then gave him to Phyllis before I nearly killed him . I have to add , he knew exactly what he was doing . Then we all trooped back to the car park .By this time the other students were starving, and one ran ahead to our blue bus and hammered on the window ….but in fact it wasn’t the blue bus , it was the blue car near it , and how was he to know it was home of ‘the local dogging lunchtime club’ For 3 weeks he signed ‘ no pants ?’

meanwhile Jacob’s visiting afloating garden in Mexico

There was a meeting tonight of TCF .A bit of me wanted to go and a bit of me was too pooped. We were asked to bring a photo of our child who died , I wanted to show Rosie off , but knew I couldn’t bear to see all those other beautiful faces, without loosing it completely – so I stayed in and signed Michael’s brother’s passport photo .

I think going back to work tomo doesn’t help – after 32years in this job, I still get that sunday night sick feeling

Like my body ,we’ve all gone south ( John and I went north the day before ) .Jacob to Mexico and Florence ,home to London .It is wonderful having her here , but so sad to leave Glasgow , all those goodbyes ( I know they are temporary ,but goodbyes are very hard for us ) and the end of that wonderful hall of residence year..Paula ,Andrea and Ian ,do you remember our last day ? We were all up at The Totley Bar and had a huge hay fight and then photos on the steps and then tears .I blubbed all the way back to London . Anyway ,I know it’s not about me ,and I don’t know why ,but I feel overwhelmed with it all .

Wer headin north to Glasgow tomo

A note to all Rosie’s friends from Elthorne – I had coffee with Christine Simpson today ( ex Art Teacher at EPHS ). She gave me a couple of photos of Rosie’s class in Year 8 .You are all out at the back of the school , looking happy and lively .If any of you can pop round and identify everyone I would be grateful – I think I can spot Laura,Holly and Izzy P

The Southend Academy

‘Hi John, Just heard about your ride and more money for the Rosie Fund – terrific! I saw the art class when I was out there last year and it is just wonderful what your memorial to Rosie is doing for all those kids! When one sees what they get from their art teaching compared to not having it one realises just how life changing it is for them. They will all be enriched people from it, for all their lives. Thanks for all your commitment to ACE!! Fran’

John received this email from Fran , who is a Treasurer at Ace . I thought you might like to read it .It is not us patting ourselves on the back .God only knows ,we would have never chosen the path that’s taken us to setting up this fund.It is just to keep you all in the loop and to show that all the money you have donated, does make a difference .From the bottom of my heart ,I thank you.

As for Rolf Harris- it was a cringefest

I was quite surprised at how much I enjoyed all The Jubilee stuff on the TV . I really loved Kylie, The African Children’s Choir and The slum drummers, Robbie and The River Pageant, but I thought the most amazing thing was the lighting onto Buckingham Palace – it was beautiful. When Madness sang on the roof ,and all those house images were projected onto Buck House’s facade, it was stunning .The projectionist deserves a medal .

The fireworks were OK, but not a patch on the display Ian Stewart and John put on ,in the back of 20 Haslemere ,when the lit Catherine Wheel flew into the box of unlit fireworks .

It was like Paul and Debbie had joined us at the table

We have a Jubilee Pageant connection …Shirley Ann’s youngest daughter,Kate, was one of the singers on the barge .Sang beautifully despite being soaked to the skin and frozen.

It was like Derren Brown was in the house last night . We had a night of mystery and intrigue around the kitchen table .Well actually is was a barbeque ,then John,Claire ,Bob and I were entertained by Michael and his new card tricks ( must have had a book for Christmas ). We particularly liked the one ,where he had a tea towel ( clean ) over his head and shuffled around with stuff under the table !

Heavy rain stopped play around 5.30

Today I give thanks and praise, not in a religious way , but in my own gentle atheist ,way , for….

1. Our neighbours and all those who helped to organise ‘The Coldershaw Road Diamond Jubilee Street Party’ .It was fab .To be honest ,John and I were dreading it .We have such happy memories of Jacob,Rosie and Florence ,running around and playing with friends and neighbours at the Millennium and Sliver jubilee Parties, that we didn’t think we could face it . But we held our heads up, put our shoulders back , took a deep breath , wheeled out our table tennis table and added our 40 samosas to the heaving table of food …. and it was good .People were lovely and kind and chatty .The live bands were fantastic and what struck us ,was the sense of ‘sharing ‘ everything .There was tons of international food and the trays of rum punch ( Grenadian,Jamaican and St Lucian) /Pimms/strawberry fizz ,just kept coming .I’m glad we went .

We could have stayed indoors and watched TV .But I was reminded of the wise words of Paula , when we were sitting with Declan and Mark outside a bar in Corfu in 1981,having had one too many ouzos, and some foppish British guy came up to us and asked ‘are you from the flotilla?” and Paula replied ” what’s a f*****g flotilla? “. But I bet the Queen loved it – even though she did look perished .

2. The Bucks Emergency Services, the staff of The Saracens Head ,Beaconsfield and the people at the table behind us in The Saracens Head , who when asked moved to a different table , did. As I said yesterday , 7 of us went out for lunch .Poor Auntie Grace ,took a turn for the worst and passed out at the table . She really was quite poorly . We moved the table ,lay her on the floor and by the time the paramedics arrived ,she was coming round .The last we saw of her was being taken of to High Wycombe Hospital with her son Philip . She is back in her residential home now .Next time ,it’s tea and cake on the lawn there .

3. To the friends and relatives who show sensitivity and acknowledgement for us not having and yet continually yearning for Rosie . This is probably too deep to go into now, but I was knocked sideways yesterday when I bumped into someone who had known Rosie well for 19 years and he was describing a function he was going to in a church hall in Ealing . He couldn’t remember the name of the church and he described it to me saying the name of the road- Ridley Avenue. I put him out of his misery and said ‘it’s St Paul’s’. What I didn’t add , but wish I’d had the balls to do so was that it was the church where Rosie’s funeral was so how could I ever forget it and how it must have meant little to him , that he couldn’t remember it and had the insensitivity to go on about it in such a dismissive way to me.

Answers- The Waterman’s meal was always poached salmon, new pots and salad followed by raspberries and cream

Gin and It is gin and vermouth ( half dry and half sweet)

I know everyones saying it – but what a shame about the weather

Yesterday I saw the Queen’s vessel getting a good going over .

The Royal barge is moored next to Richmond bridge .It’s very gold and red and beautiful . My Dad Geoffrey would have loved to have seen the fleet of ships go down The Thames. He loved ,and worked on the river . Nearly every year ,we’d go up and watch ‘the Doggett’s Coat and Badge Race’ , which is supposed to be the oldest rowing race in the world. . Up to 6 Apprentices ( nothing to do with Lord Sugar ) of the river compete in a rowing race from London bridge to Chelsea Bridge. As members of The Waterman’s Company ,we’d follow behind in a group of launches .It was very special and a real honour to win …oh and very boozy and traditional and exactly the same meal every year .

Following on the Geoffrey theme, today we are going out for lunch with Geoffrey’s younger sister ,Auntie Grace and my cousins Philip and Robert and Louise any other Browns that happen to be around . Then tonight we are going to the Young Vic to see ‘The Suit ‘ .Geoffrey always wore a suit to the city .Then he got the launderette and he went casual ( always had the fag and the snaeaky gin & it though )!

Anyone got the DVD they can lend me ?

Thank you to Steph and Declan ,and to Theresa for texting ,about Jane. It is good to remember how we used to laugh – you know really laugh – she was always one of the few people who could make me laugh hysterically and I’d trust to order of a menu for me !.

I’ve just finished 2 good books.Well one good – ‘Company of Liars’ by Karen Maitland and one excellent- ‘The Help’ by Kathryn Stockett . They are both easy to read ,and most importantly to me ,fast moving and page-turners ( I can’t be doing with flowery language ). They are very different books …Company of Liars is set in England, 1348 , and is about a group of misfits who band together to escape the plague , whereas The help is set in Mississippi, 1962, and is about black maids working for white families .

But in both , at some point I was stopped in my tracks when a character described the death of their child……

In ‘Company Of Liars’ , page 373,Rodrigo says ” It is hard to bury your own children.It breaks your heart in a way no other death can do, for you are burying part of yourself in that grave .”

In ‘The Help’ ,page 29, Aibileen says ”I lost my own boy ,Treelore, right before I started waiting on Miss Leefolt.He was twenty four years old.The best part of a person’s life.It just wasn’t enough time living in this world …….he slip off the loading dock, fell down on the drive. Tractor trailer didn’t see him ..By the time I found out , he was dead .That was the day my whole world went back.Air look back, sun look black .I laid up in bed and stared at the black walls a my house.Took three months before I look out the window, see if the worlds still there .I was surprise to see the world didn’t stop just cause my boy did.”

I know this is fiction , but somehow it makes me feel not so isolated and not a little bit crazy , when I see someone must think this true, to write these words down .Am I making sense ?

Now it’s on to Paula’s recommendation ..”Fifty shades of Grey” – and don’t think you’ll be getting any quotes from that one !

31.5.01

There’s a moment when I wake up , it’s probably just a few seconds , when I think everything is normal. This is a moment of pure peace in my head . Then ,my brain clunks into gear , and the realisation that I no longer have Rosie ,kicks in , and my heart plummets and its bloody hard to get up .Sometimes I just don’t want to , but I have to .Ironically lying in bed thinking ,makes me more crazy than going downstairs and doing mundane stuff .Hence the reason I never lie in .

Today is doubly hard as it is the 11th anniversary of Jane’s death .This time 11 years ago ,I was sitting shaking and crying in St Thomas’s Hospital and Mother had just turned up in a mini cab . She didn’t know Jane had died .I shouted it out to her ,I’ll always regret that – she was calm and I was hysterical. I got to the hospital at about 7am , having settled Jane the night before ,saying goodnight to her around midnight. The hospital phoned at 6 to say she had cardiac arrested and to come in quickly .The journey was odd, I remember what I wore ( black shorts and T Shirt ) and the basket I carried .On the tube ,I stood shaking and sobbing and no-one offered me a seat . I ran ( by my standards ) over Westminster Bridge ,along the Thames path ,opposite the Houses of Parliament and into Jane’s ward .The Ward Sister was waiting for me ,and I just knew .When she said ”I’m sorry’ .I just screamed and flung my basket across the ward .I think now of those poor patients in that ward (which was for patients having their breathing assessed ) , I certainly didn’t do them any favours . I then burst into the Nurses handover meeting and shouted a few of my observations of staying there the whole night with Jane, 2 nights previously ( too much to write here a, but it included not doing ward rounds ,but instead sitting and reading a bible ) and was escorted out .Then Mother came , then I phoned Richard .Then I sat with Jane and for her ,I was calm .

Rosie used to work til late and often or not ,go straight onto madame Jojo’s.

We celebrated the Queen’s Jubilee at work today .It was lovely ,we all crammed into the hall for a buffet ( not sure about The Turkish funereal music ) and then went on the field to see a tree- planting .Tomorrow we’ll possibly see an uprooting .Then there was a huge assembly .Jacob you’ll be pleased to know ,your fake Elvis Head was used ,as my class ,dressed up ,danced and sang our way though 6 decades of music .
It was a sort of Jubileemegamix.

I need something from Waitrose , later on I’ll be driving past Waitrose , bit it’s a Tuesday ,so I just cannot go in.

The cheese is always more popular than the ham

I think I jinxed Englebert , he came second to last .Thank God for Norway .

Georgina I’m glad you remembered ‘Terror Towers’ so fondly , but do you remember ‘Eden Camp’ where we went the day before to give you the Whole World War Two Experience – I seem to remember a huge protest about that ?

We were at soupy today and there were a few mini-adventures.One woman was banned , there was a moment of near anarchy when the ice cream and tinned fruit came out, we had a Mormon Minister appear who was trying to recruit ( but ended up sitting himself down and eating more than his fair share of cheese butties – don’t think Donny and Marie would do that ) and James got his guitar out and gave us a tune..

Then back for a beer and a barbie – just the two of us .As Rosie would say ‘Aah sweet’.

i know it’s cheesy but I quite like Englebert’s Eurovision song

Did the usual Sat morning thing – woke at 5.30 ( couldn’t sleep), did my stretches in front of my taped ‘Embarrassing Bodies Live ‘- now who would want to get their backside out on live television -? Was in Sainsburys at 7 chatting to the 2 lovely guys on fruit and veg ( one is in a destructive relationship and the other is paying for his mother’s healthcare in Pakistan ). Took our 2 Spanish students to their pick-up point and then settled down with coffee, tablets, porridge and the paper. I headed straight for ‘Blind Date ‘ column and thought blimey I know you – except I didn’t ,I was reading last weeks supplement , which I realised when I closed it and there was a football supporter on the front .And then I remembered what happened in a tiny gift shop in Robin Hoods Bay last Saturday .Dec and I were browsing when we noticed this little old lady kept staring at us ( well Declan actually ,but it sounds a bit pervy like the Catherine Tate character- and it wasn’t like that ) and following us/him around the shop . Eventually she plucked up courage and asked him ” are you The Man City Manager,Roberto Mancini ? ” Oh how we laughed , especially as we didn’t have a clue who he was .

John’s head still healing ,and he’s on the foof already ,minus his hat.

Its even hotter in Glasgow

John’s head healing nicely – it’s now a lovely shade of red having worked all day on the roof of THE shed .Lorna , how’s Andy’s ?

In future I will learn to shut my mouth .Today I did another train trip ,this time to Maidstone where I met Declan and Deidre ( in their fabulous family restaurant,MuMus). Did the usual stuff ,tube to Victoria, skinny cappuccino from Cafe Nero, got on the train , stuck to Mandy’s rule of not taking a sip before the train pulls out of the station. Was met by Dec , ate ,drank ,talked, laughed , sampled dishes and waxed lyrically about The Train Network , how they run to time etc. Then got the 6pm train home , a tree fell on the line and we were all turfed off the train and told to find a bus .Didn’t have a clue where I was . Took 3 hours to get home….I need a drink

I knew it was mine as it had ‘I love David Essex’ in bubble writing

Today’s theme is wood . John, got to work ,walked into a door ,and ended up in casualty having his head stuck together .Jacob has been up in a tree house in New Orleans, Florence’s mobile must be made of it ,cos it seems to be impossible to send messages on ..and I found my old school ruler circa 1972 .I think I was the only one handling stolen goods.

The hottest day of the year – so how do i spend my afternoon ? Dancing at an 18th Bday party -must have lost at least half a stone ( in my dreams )

I know I whinged about the tasks being naff on The Apprentice ( remember The re-inventing Margate one , a couple of seasons ago -now that was brilliant ), but its even worse when someone in Virgin sabotages the whole system and you can’t watch it at all.

Oh ,but before Richard Branson flew his hot air balloon into our cable ,we did manage to catch yesterdays’ Four in a bed’ which featured The Victory ,Mersea Island ,where we stayed a couple of weeks ago . Would I stay there again? Yes .Would I recommend it to anyone? No. Theres a difference.

yes please I’ll be up to Sheffield in the summer ( Thats the summer holiday booked )

A little snippet from Jacob’s email …

‘Arrived last night. everything went smoothly. managed to sleep at 1am so the jet lag hasn’t hit.

This morning I had 5 hot wings and chips for breakfast.Had an aligator hotdog last night.’

Good job he’s not veggie !

John and Andrew got home safe and sound last night. They cycled through driving rain to get to Paris yesterday, and all managed to stay upright .Thank -you to everyone who sponsored Andrew .I do not have to tell you how much it means to us .

And Ian were you grabbed round the neck by some creepy man at TT ? How is Johnnie sleeping these days – child pyschiatrist called in yet ?

Thank you Declan for a lovely weekend

Dec and I had a lovely time in Scarborough .We went to some pretty pretty seaside places- Robin Hoods Bay, Staithes, Sandsend,Bridlington. Ate fabulous seafood and did a lot of people watching on the prom, a lot of whom we thought we’d seen on the Jeremy Kyle show a couple of weeks previously. And then we walked passed the infamous ‘Terror Towers’ and I went all of a dither . I’ve tried to put my dark thoughts of negligent parenting to bed , but they all came flooding back…..Around 14 years ago ,the 5 of us went on holiday with the Clarkes to Pickering . One day we hit Scarborough ,and cos of the rain , ended up in ‘Terror Towers’ – it was ghastly and ghoulish and in very bad taste- but the kids loved it .Once inside we followed the dimly lit path -round corners ,up and down stairs, doubling back on ourselves, stopping to look at the lovely exhibits ,..a man being put to death on the electric chair, a woman having her head chopped off etc etc .We were walking slowly in single file and I was at the back with the youngest two ,Nat and Flo, just in front of me. We got to the last long corridor , just about seeing a chink of light at the end of the tunnel . All of a sudden ,from nowhere, a masked man crept up behind us and tapped me on the shoulder , I just screamed , pushed Nat and Flo out the way , practically flattening them in the process and without looking back , legged it to the exit .I hope to think that after 14years of therapy they’ve got over the trauma and are no longer haunted by the axe murderer.

I’ve kept in text contact with John and Andrew. They left Ealing at 8.30 on Saturday morning .At 8.53, they were sitting outside Evans bike Shop in Brentford, waiting for it to open ! One of their team members chain had broken and he had to buy a new one .But despite that and Andrew having two punctures and a ripped tyre ,the team made it to France .( whether they make it back ,is a different question.)

Then at 10am this morning , Jacob jetted off west to New Orleans .

padded pants packed- and thats for both of us

Bucket and spade packed – check

train-tickets ( not just the receipt ) in bag- check

waterproofs,wellies, souwester packed – check

meanwhile Johns labelling his flapjack and pumping up his bits . I really really hope John and Andrew have a wonderful time cycling to France.

Please don’t forget Andrew is doing it for Rosie and the children of the Southend Academy .So if you can , sponsor him on his just giving page

I think the helicopter was a fantasy of mine

Didn’t sleep too well a) cos I was pissed off that Jenna went instead of Stephen .He was so dam rude and superior and rude in the boardroom ( if you don’t watch The Apprentice ,you won’t have a clue who I’m talking about ) and b) I’m all excited about my mini-day break , and then my actual mini-break . Today I’m off on the train -I love trains – to meet up with ex St Oswalds Roaders and big friends of Jane and Grandmas ,Elaine and Natalie, in Salisbury . No doubt the infamous 1980 Hastings holiday will be discussed when Jane ,Elaine ,Natalie ( aged about a year ) and I stayed in a bungalow . Day 1 we went to a remote sandy beach , thinking it was great no-one was on it . Even with my big biceps ,there was no way I could wheel Jane onto the sand ,so down trotted E&N . They walked …and waved , and waved ,and Elaine frantically waved . We smiled and waved back and wondered why Elaine , who was holding Natalie by now, had shrunk 9″- until we realised they were on sinking sand ….So I abandoned Jane ( to a big dog who was growling round very near ) , and I think it was the nearest I’ve come to actual running , got to them , forgot all my survival special programmes , and instead of throwing myself down and crawling to them , ran onto the sand and sank too . By this time Natalie was in my arms , and Elaine ,who was a professional dancer and half the weight of me , waded out and I passed Natalie to her . It wasn’t long before the land-sea helicopter arrived .

Then tomorrow I’m off on another great journey ..to Scarborough , where I’m meeting up with Declan , and we too will be reliving our 1980 trip to his home town ( no sinking sand stories, but I did get so drunk I ended up in bed between his dad and step-mum ) .

Meanwhile John and Andrew prepare for their big cycling trip to Paris . As I type John is digging out his lycra and looking for the best energy producing flapjack he ( i.e. -me …he even asked Jacob ) can make.

Read this bit first

Walked home from work today behind a girl. She had blonde hair was wearing an oldish green coat and had holes in her tights .She reminded me so of Rosie . I don’t mean to sound creepy ,but I couldn’t take my eyes off her . Of course ,when she stopped at a bus stop and I saw her face ,she didn’t look a bit like Rosie , but by God ,it create a really powerful feeling of loss in my head . So when I got home and found a letter from Caren in Webuye ,Kenya , I just cracked .This is what she wrote

Natalie C. and Hazel K. …and anyone musical -Kenya needs you .

”Dear Rachel, How are you and your family ?I am very fine as I prepare to sit my KCSE exams early November this year .My family told me to pass their warmest regards to you. your family and friends .They said ( esp Mum and Shirlet ), they love you so much We would really love meeting you .

I will forever thank you for making me able to near my dreams. I promise never to let you down .The ripe fruits of your tireless labour will soon be realised.may God bless you with many more years on earth .

We have had a four days holiday then back to school for a three week tuition programme.This means we shall not close school again until the august holidays.

Otherwise last term was fine except that we,the drama group face a major challenge.We lost our drama group patron.he went for further studies and so our play for the year had no director.As a club and a little support from the school administration, we managed to get to the provincial level.We are also preparing for the music festival competitions due next term .I know we shall manage to get to the national level though we have a shortage of teachers of music in the school too.I will always be grateful to you for your big heart.Greet your family and friends for me .Yours faithfully,

Caren Wanjala

I think I’m a third of each

Someone told me this pearl of wisdom at work today

“When something bad happens, you can either let it define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you”

…easier said than done .

Its amazing what you can do with a few old tablets

While Jacob went out partying with his friends, John and I once again surrounded ourselves with weird stuff. …butterflies flew around our heads while flies flew around a severed cows he. We walked between a sawn in two old cow ( not me -it wasn’t audience partcipation ) and a sheep, looked down a sharks throat and then went down a flight of stairs and ended up in fairyland ,where we both became part of the most beautiful infinite twinkly thing – and that was before a few glasses of white ,drunk while gazing out over one of the most stunning views of London-St Paul’s Cathedral. Yes ,we returned to the Damien Hirst and Yayoi Kusama exhibitions .Secretly ,I wanted to hate his stuff cos I find him an arrogant self-opinionated old bore , But actually I quite liked a lot of it( loathed the cigarettes ), and some of it i found was painfully beautiful.

Mind you it helped we were allowed in.We got there and I’d left my Tate Members Card in my other bag .The very nice man gave us a temporary card and off we toddled just happy to be there – the place suddenly took on a rosy-glow. This alone wouldn’t be so bad ,but on Friday night , just before leaving ,I took the envelope containing the tickets for Babel out of my bag , threw it and all the extra bits away …except I hadn’t …when we got there ,I realised I’d actually thrown the tickets away and just had the credit card receipt for unreserved seating – I felt sick . I spoke to the lovely man at the box office ,told him how I felt ,and I think he was so worried about me projectile vomiting though his hatch , he gave me new ones .Two nights and two lovely men

Queen Charlottes Hospital 24yrs ago …….in shock and happiness…and pain ( quickly forgotton )

My lovely, kind, ,happy,creative, funny boy is 24years old today .He’ll cringe if he reads this , but I love him very much – nuff said .

Last night,John and I celebrated in our own little way ,by standing in a field in North London , surrounded by secret police/security guards , musicians, a woman up a tree doing her ironing, jugglers, soothsayers , storytellers ,abseilers, musicians, fire ,writers,painters, gospel singers ,martial arts people , ghosts ..to name but a few . We drank red wine, did some knitting ( there was a whole landscape of london made out of 3D knits ), made plasticine models and watched ….the most bizarre performance I have ever seen – BABEL, all constructed around a beautiful lit up Victorian Clock Tower. The critics slated it ,we loved it

I forgot to mention……

Crap television continues to be a source of positive distraction . So much so ,that when John and I had our night in Essex , we played Four in a Bed. John handed over the full amount ,I held £5 back !

You are My Sister by Antony Hegarty – what a song

As Meatloaf would say ‘one out of four ain’t bad ‘ ( or similar ). Last night I saw another brilliant performance by ‘The London Gay Men’s Chorus ‘ .They are so uplifting ,and I’m thinking of joining , but I only tick one of the boxes- the London one . So perhaps I could start the WYLWSURWSURCSANC- Wherever you live, whatever sexuality you are , whatever sex you are , can’t sing a note ,Chorus . …doesn’t exactly role of the tongue – no innuendos please ,it would just do what it says on the box.

They opened with ‘From a Distance’- those words and the way they sang it was so emotional, it got into my gash,my head ,my soul , but in a postive -sad way .They closed with ‘Together in Electric Dreams’ ,which is my all-time-international -fave-foot tapping-dancey-singalongy -to be played at my funeral-song . The atmosphere/audience was amazing ,so positive and infectiously uplifting and happy .Just what the Sunday Night Doctor, ordered

Brain food perhaps ?

Edward , you’ve just introduced me to the world that is ‘Spotify’ . I thought at first it was something to do with tea-tree oil, but now I know I can log in ,tippytype in some letters and then belt out a showtune with Tina T , I’m hooked .

Jane, I’m thinking of a name for my 6th toe .A possibility is ‘Alan’, only cos when I was a student in a shared house and we found a cat ,and my flatmates wouldn’t let me call him Alan ( we didn’t even know it was a boy – not that it matters ) and I’ve never got over it . As for Declan’s source …Wikipedia – I rest my case .

John and I have just got back from Mersea Island ,Essex . We loved it . We walked and talked and cried and laughed and ate and drank . It’s got that lovely flat ,east coast landscape ( a bit like Whitstable or Suffolk ), but you can walk all the way around the island . We ate in the most fabulous place ‘The Company Shed’ .It started out as a shed selling fresh seafood ,but so many people wanted to eat their purchases there and then , the owners put in tables and jazzed up some of the catches of the day with garlic butter , roasted toms etc . You can’t book , just add your names to the blackboard outside, take your own wine, beer and bread and order stuff as you want it . We had scallops, mussels, lobster and crabcakes – bloody lovely and cheap. We drank local beer and wine from the Mersea Island Brewery. John’s beer ‘Island Oyster’ is brewed with oysters put into the barrel and claims to be a local aphrodisiac .Dunno about that ,but he thrashed me at scrabble later.More walking and talking and crying and laughing today – esp when we ended up in the middle of ‘The Cosmic Puffin’ music festival .I jest not.

Or was it his parents , or did they Go West , or was that The pet Shop Boys?

Funny you should mention Jesus . Today ,to seek freedom from back pain and to taste non-boiled food, we are following our star ,and heading East – to Essex, for the night . To a tiny , remote desert island ,that the wise ( and lovers of fresh fish and fake eyelashes ) know as West Mersea. John is taking his bike and I’m taking my Ibruprofen.

Sorry .I meant I’m to have aggressive physio, whatever that is .

I’m joking about the gene

Today I was sent for an x-ray. The doc looked at it , she called in a senior doc , he looked and it and called in big chief doc and they pondered …. they I stood up and looked at the screen and saw it … an extra toe ! In between my big and next toe there is a big pointy bit of bone – it doesn’t give me any grief and I’m pretty sure it’s linked to the highly intelligence/beauty ,gene, so they are going to leave well alone .Unlike the bloody big bursa on my heel ,which despite having a big needle stuck in it , continues to give me lots of grief. So Sports- Injury -Doc ‘ ( I love that title and waiting outside her room ) suggests I see an aggressive physio .Bit harsh I thought ,as long as he doesn’t shout at me ,I’ll run with it.

91yrs ago little Grace Joan Brown was born in Essex – without a can of spray tan in sight

In the grand scheme of things,it doesn’t really matter ,but when your oven goes BANG 6 days after the lovely New World engineer has been out and fixed it ,cos 5 days previous it had gone bang 20minutes after putting a ‘3hour slow-cooked beef stew ‘ ( which ended up being rather more chewy than it should have been ) in it , its a dam pain …. esp when the day ahead involves 2 separate visits to West Mid Hosp and having woken up all of a dither after having a vivid dream about Rosie .I cannot begin to tell you how hard this is ,I wake up believing she is alive …then the pain kicks in – but twice as intense. But the good news is Florence is home for 24hours ,so we went to Southall for a wonderful curry last night, home for The Apprentice – but wasn’t that a weak task – send them abroad !

Finishes 5th May

Emi Wokoma deserves an Oscar, a Bafta, to win ‘The Voice. to win ‘I can dance ‘( or whatever it is called )- she is pure genius . Went to see ‘Soul Sister’ at Hackney Empire,last night ,Emi played Tina Turner.OMG the way she moved and belted out those numbers …by the end we were all up on our feet screaming out ‘Simply the best’- she really was.

Of course we were crying as well as laughing ,but i really don’t care if people stare at us – its how we feel that matters.

I went to the most beautiful exhibition of Yayoi Kusama’s work .It was all amazing ,multi – media – happy -sad- phallic- bright and made more poignant by the fact she spent the last 35 years of a life in a psychiatric institution. The last 2 rooms were my favourite – probably because they were big ,bold ,bright and illusionaL. I went with a friend whose daughter ,Becky had tragically died on 5th April 2003. Before going round the exhibition we sat in the cafe on the 6th floor of The Tate Modern ,looking out over The Millennium Bridge and St Paul’s Cathedral- Rosie’s favourite part of London .We talked with love of ALL our children and Sally showed me a Hindu poem from Chandogya, that she believed expresses part of Becky’s view of the world….

‘There is a Light that shines beyond all things on earth,

Beyond us all, Beyond the heavens,

Beyond the highest, the very highest heavens.

This is the Light that shines in our heart.’

To me , there is deep beauty in those words.

grumpy old woman

Kew Gardens in the rain – beautiful ,so had the bluebells to ourselves .Only one problem , their cups in the cafe are too small .

Don’y worry I’m not here weeping into my cheese buttie- I’ve been out for breakfast and we’re meeting good friends for dinner

I’m sorry if sometimes I sound like a record that has got stuck but I guess I am a bit like that . But i still read what people say about their grief . I still feel a great bond with them and I am in awe and admiration about how they write so articulately , whereas I am so clumsy .

Keanu Reeves has had some terrible stuff happen in his life .His child was stillborn ,then the mother of his child died in a car crash. He gave an interview with Parade magazine ,and this is what he said….

“Grief changes shape, but it never ends,” “People have a misconception that you can deal with it and say, ‘It’s gone, and I’m better.’ They’re wrong.

“When the people you love are gone, you’re alone “I miss being a part of their lives and them being part of mine. I wonder what the present would be like if they were here – what we might have done together. I miss all the great things that will never be.

“Damn it! It’s not fair! It’s absurd.

“All you can do is hope that grief will be transformed and, instead of feeling pain and confusion you will be together again in memory, that there will be solace and pleasure there, not just loss.”

He added however “I don’t want to flee from life, I know the beauty of it.”

Wise words

* not a euphanism

Surpassed myself with busyness yesterday .

Thursdays are odd , with no Ma , no Uplands ,no Kirwin ( one of my favourite Uplanders – he was in the room opp Ma ,was only in his seventies ,but had had a dreadful stroke ,which made it nearly impossible to speak ). We always had our Thursday chat , made up of basic signing , facial expressions and pointing . He was a real treasure. The second bag of air-drying clay I bought to do a pottery afternoon with the residents ( Grandma made no bones about the fact ,she did not want to make a thumb or coil pot , so I told her she could just join us for the G&T and the chat ) still sits in Patricia’s office – maybe one day I’ll go back and do my workshop.

Anyway,back to yesterday….I took Lorna on the ‘amnesia walk’ and she took me for a fabulous lunch at The Builder’s Arms. The AW ,was the Olde Kensington Walk we did earlier in the year .Back then ,the guide told us so much …a few months later and I’d forgotten everything ,except the route , the coffee shop and the pub .

Then last night it was ‘Conjuring at The Court’- four magicians and a Punch and Judy man. God,Punch was so violent .He didn’t get his sausages out ,but Judy ,the baby and the policeman ,got a dam good beating -weird stuff. But for the first time ,there was my favourite sort of act – illusionists .We were in the second row of a small pub room , and we still couldn’t see how Carl changed his clothes from a suit into a superman outfit, got out of a leather-strapped bondage bed, and swop places with Dave , in the few seconds it took for Dave to open his umberella*.

Whoever edited The Apprentice last night,made it very obvious Katie was going to be fired

Last night we went to the first viewing of Jacob’s new film . I think it’s called Andrei . Not to be confused with Buddy,Mulan, Babe ,Pocahontas – or any other films with a name in the title ..It was nothing like them . Think along the lines of ‘The Agony and The Ecstasy’ ( not a porn film .but the life of Michelangelo ) meets Sumo Wrestlers meet Delia Smith meets Eric Bristow in Krakow .It was amazing and made me laugh and wonder and question ,and feel very proud and full of love for the person who created this piece of art.

It was set in 1987 and gender roles were reversed- not quite what Mozart had in mind

Yesterday I went to Heaven ,and bumped into one of all time international fave performers – Dominic Gray. Mandy took me to one of the most famous gay London nightclubs to try and culture me up, by seeing the opera “Don Giovanni’.But I ended up in my own little heaven when we bumped into the Dominc , famous for being the star of all those brilliant Watermans’ pantos- Jacob,Rosie and Florence loved them …and him . For those of you that knew him , his career took an abrupt halt when he was hospitalised and treated for cancer of the sinus ..but he is back ,directing .I told him how much we loved and missed him and how the good people of Ealing speak so fondly of him , and how we always loved the bit ,when he came on stage after the interval ,wearing THAT swimming costume and said to some old dear in the third row ” I bet you’re wondering where I’ve put it ” -classic.

Bar had glasses ( mine )

A huge thank you to Claire and Bob , who took us to see one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen at the theatre – Oedipussy . Words cannot describe it .The 4 performers who make up the company ‘Spymonkey’ were amazing . If they do something again ,go and see it . We howled ( in a good way ) . All good stuff for the soul.

40 long months since I’ve held her

While John is out in the community doing good stuff- he is part of a team are doing up someones house ,who could no way afford to have it done , I am reaching for the alka seltzer and moving very slowly . Last night 3 of us ate like a Shah and paid like a pauper .We dined in a local Iranian restaurant, had loads , bought our own ( as it happens, far too much ) and then moved on for nightcaps at a local bar ,then came home and ate a cream egg .Why ,I don’t even like the dam things ? Now I can’t find my glasses

This ones for all Rosie’s Elthorne Park High school friends

Jourdan Dunn, your year group schoolmate, is featured in todays Evening Standards magazine ‘My London ‘ .When asked ‘What’s your earliest London memory ? ‘ She answers ‘hanging out at the Trocodero in the West end when I was at school’. Odd that she didn’t write’ sitting on the bench in Elthorne playground admiring the style and panache of The SOC – from whom I got all my top fashion tips ‘

Paragraph 2 – if you didn’t watch it you won’t know what I am talking about

I might have come home with a stiff ankle and wet pants ( and trousers and socks and trainers etc ) ,but it was worth it .I met up with five friends at RHS Wisley and we went walking – it was stunningly beautiful .We tried to ignore the rain .We had tactics in the form of morning coffee, lunch and then afternoon tea /the shop/ carrying some old dear up 2 flights of steps in her wheelchair as her 87 year old companion was so fed up and couldn’t face the long route round / the toilets/the gazebos /the nesting boxes etc .

Once home and to warm up I put on my ‘Groove Train ,80’s dance workout video’, sat on my space hopper and followed Azhars moves .John ,so inspired , went the whole hog and joined me after changing into his tiny red satin shorts and matching sweatband …..did you watch The Apprentice last night – hysterical ,how they all kept straight faces when that video was shown , I’ll never know

I’ve bought an extra mop – just in case ….

Yesterday I bumped into someone I vaguely knew ,but hadn’t spoken to since Rosie died .She gave me a hug and told me ,she didn’t know what to say …..Then later that day I was reading an article by the American writer,Toni Morrison.Her latest book is dedicated to her son,Slade ,who died 18 months ago and in the face of whose death she found herself wordless.She could not work ,she could barely speak and didn’t want to hear comforting words from others .She writes “What do you say ? There really are no words for that. There really aren’t. Somebody tries to say I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. people say that to me. There’s no language for it .Sorry doesn’t do it. I think you should just hug people and mop their floor or something” and she goes on “I don’t want closure, it’s such an American thing. I want what I got – memory,and work ….and some more ibuprofen.”…and she starts to laugh .

My favourite was Bryony Kimmings

Last night was circus in it’s loosest sense . The main man was Scottee , in his show entitled ‘CAMP’ – which more or less did what it said on the box. He was funny and lovely and really reminded me of Peter Kay as Geraldine in ‘Britain’s got the pop factor and possibly a new Jesus Christ soapstar superstar strictly on ice ‘ .His outfits and shoes were amazing, not your usual drag stuff, more the forties look . I can’t begin to describe the different acts -too rude for your delicate ears,especially on a Sunday

Tonight’s hi-light ( after a spot of pond -dredging ) is Julian’s ‘Downton on Ice’ ie Titanic . The first 3 were pretty naff , but that and a couple of R&C’s numb another Sunday night.

I think its the Olympic Cyclists Route

Just said au revoir to Florence ,as she chugs off to Glasgow via Edinburgh .I guess the 2 tier journey beats getting the wrong train down and having to feign sleep every-time the ticket collector went past ( which is quite a lot on a 5 hour journey ).I hope she manages to elevate her foot ,perhaps ,onto the persons lap opposite , thus minimising the swelling , but possible resulting in a restraining order.

So to soften my loathing of goodbyes ,Jacob,Florence and I had brunch and drinkies ,sitting in the sun ,down by the river .Meanwhile John and Andrew peddled like crazy – to Box Hill – then up ,then down , then up again and down again and back home.tonight its more moules and more circus tricks .

It’s taken me 54 years to do this

I’ve done the most beautiful London walk today . Tube to Chalk Farm, walk to Primrose Hill , stand and admire the view, push American tourists off bench , eat picnic , walk through Primrose Hill Village , go into poshest charity shop ever, have coffee in a beautiful independent patisserie, gawp up at the room where Sylvia Plath gassed herself ( after sealing her childrens’ rooms and leaving them bread and milk ), walk back through Primrose Hill, pass Regents Park Zoo, walk along the canal , through Little Venice ,stop for coffee at beautiful cafe on the canal , realise beautiful cafe is without a toilet ,so hot foot it to Paddington Station ,passing the place where I was born ( not the canal basin ) . No sign of Jude though.

That’s not to say we haven’t had offers

We may not be swingers , but we have swung …and we were taught by the couple who taught the winning team ( whose prize was a dance lesson in swing ) in last nights brilliant Apprentice . I’m quite impressed with myself ,not for our dancing ,we were pants at that -but probably marginally better than when we did the salsa lesson,but for remembering the name of the band -Ray Gelato ( John only agreed to come as he thought it was an ice cream tasting lesson ) and his singers. It must have been 15 years ago …just off to practice my steps and do some more brain gym ……

Last night

We are now the owners of a nice brown pure wool mens jumper,2 umbrellas and 2 tupperware boxes- the posh ones with the blue clicky bits . Plus, after coming last in the family- Easter- evening- post- roast- lamb- dinner- game- of- contract , Amy’s team consisting of Stu,laura,Issy and me, emerged victorious in last nights ‘bowl-game’ .Commiserations to Florence,Holly,Ryan,Georgina and Jacob – you didn’t really stand a chance ( although I have to admit Holly’s mimes were the most creative ,impossible to decipher , but creative ) . The Chinese-bring-a dish-banquet and just a couple ( ? ) of bottles of pale ale ,helped the evening along , and no fillings were lost in the eating of the sticky bananas .

OFITN

Three lovely bits of news from our friends in The North ( well Brum actually ,which is technically The Midlands ,BUT it is north of Watford gap ,so I reckon it does count )

1. Julia Lilley emailed to say her friend Bal is running The Great North Run ( plus maybe some other runs ) for Rosie – which of course means the children of The Southend Academy. We have never met Bal , so we are incredibly moved he is doing all this tough stuff for Rosie .

2.Andrew and John and 52 others from St Paul’s Church , where Rosie’s funeral was,are cycling from London to Paris the weekend of 19-21st May .It is for fun ,but John’s lovely brother Andrew is doing it for Rosie .Please ,if you can ,support him on his justgiving page .I know how much those messages and donations will mean to him ,us and the children in Bungoma.

3. Lin ,Andrew’s partner emailed to say she is sponsoring a boy through The Ace Bursary Scheme . His name is Lazarus, he is an orphan and has an incrdibly difficuilt life.Through Lin and Ace ,hopefully lazarus will have an education ,giving him the chance to have an independent and fulfilled life ,something we are all entitled to .

I am well aware everyone has their favoured charities . Just within our small family ,we support Spinal Injuries Assoc and The Meningitis Research Fund ,But, for me Rosie’s charity ,is about Rosie and through her cruel,sudden,untimely death ,giving some other poor kids a chance

But NOT the provider of eggs.

I had a lovely text from Nikki. She is on her round-the world-travels. She wrote ‘I lit a floating candle for Rosie ,on The Ganges ,yesterday ‘. I am very moved and very grateful .It made me weep.

Yesterday ,three months after everyone else ,I saw ‘The Artist’. . It was OK , could have done with 20mins chopped out the middle and it didn’t help that the main actress looked like Christine Bleakly ,and in my mind I kept seeing her dancing in sequins or sitting with Adrian on the sofa, then at the end of the film there was a fight in the cinema-which was odd ,cos there were only about 12 of us in there and it was The Coronet in Notting Hill ,which is quite sedate ( average age 72.3 ) .

Thinking of Rosie, The Ganges and Easter, we all went up to The Isis and I looked to Ganesha ,for it is said he is the remover of obstacles and the destroyer of sorrows.

…Unlike,J,J and I who’ll be up on the highwire

Florence’s foot has been liberated .It has been freed from the confines of it’s dressing and is now encased in a trainer .Along with Florence’s foot ,comes Florence and so today ,to celebrate we hit the shop ( just the one,mustn’t overdo it ) …Loong Fung, Chinese Supermarket .It was an Aladdin’s cave of all things good mixed with monosodium glutamate .We were all excited about getting the ingredients to make Peking Duck ,until Florence offered the immortal line…”is duck a fish ? ” At that point I questioned her 15years of education and drove home .

But tonight we’re going out tonight for moules, frites and African circus tricks .( Florence’ll just be watching )….

Its worth writing ,if a panda is reading it

Whatever ‘normal’ is ,often I just don’t feel it . So I looked it up in Jacob’s 1998 Collins Gem Dictionary and this is how it is described ” usual,regular,or typical,free from mental or physical disorder”. That confirms my suspicions. Sadly I often feel anxious,fearful, a failure and sad .But that also means at other times I feel secure, safe and happy. So sometimes when I read stuff written by another bereaved parent ,I feel more normal . I read the blog of Linda , her young son ,like Rosie ,died very suddenly .I have mentioned her before ,as through an article in The Guardian written about her , I made contact and put her in touch with The Sandrose Project – her family are holidaying there later in the year. Yesterday she wrote “After my son died ,I struggled with anxiety, it had real physical pain and symptoms associated with it. I think I do now have control over it – most of the time anyway “…. I feel like that too.

Believe me it is not easy to write this stuff down, but it makes some sort of order of all the sadness in my brain ..and keeps you looking at photos of Rosie.

despite playing my marvin gayes ‘lets get it on’ on a loop

I am so upset about Tian Tian and Yang Guangs , and also Richard (on last nights,brilliant,’Undateables’ ) – lack of love ,I have resorted to watching things that make me laugh …

Click on this on youtube ,it works every time .I think Declan sent it to me….

‘Oops ! best man sparks wet wedding ‘

One of her most classic lines

Today I have sent off a £520 donation to the Spinal Injuries Association ,in memory of Mother .Thinking of Jane ,she had typed it out and put it with her will ,with the instructions that this is where she wanted any donations to go.( there were to be no paintbrushes going to Africa ! )

A HUGE thank you to everyone who donated .

It had to be done before the hosepipe ban

It was as if Dave himself was in our garden ,filming another episode of ‘Frozen Planet’. Yesterday afternoon,Jacob cleaned out the pond .Sadly no sign of ‘Tiny’ ,my newt, but one obese goldfish ( suspiciously Tiny shaped ) and over forty gorgeous frogs .I love them .He rescued them from about 3inches of silt ,put them in buckets of shallow water and I gave them a hose down while he scrubbed,pruned and power-showered the pond .Every time one tried to make a bid for freedom ,by climbing to the top of the bucket , Flo knocked it back with her elbow-crutch . What a team .

La Cuenta por favor – Adam what language is that in ?

I knew wearing that Stella McCartney, all-in-one lycra,aerodynamic ,sleeveless,bodysuit ,for a week ,would pay off .last night I came first…in an epic game of contract whist – beating Sarah, Richard and John ,hands down – they weren’t even close .Thanks Stel .

Paula, and not for the reasons you won a C C E for

Sally, you won the Cadburys Cream-egg. The answer was ‘losing something ‘. It happens to me all the time and conspires to drive me slightly mad .

Anyway yesterday we had visitors to the recovery ( leg raised ) room .Nat and Sarah J to Flo and Kay to me . Kay gave Florence a lovely card – a Fuzzy-Felt casualty scene. Kay and I got all nostalgic for Fuzzy-Felt.I doubt if anyone under the age of 40 remembers it .It always had that light blue background and each box had a theme .Kays favourite was ‘the garden’ , mine was ‘the school ‘.I reckon they should bring it back – it could go viral and replace twitface ? Hours of fun in a little box.

Read this in The ES mag yesterday and I love this joke , although it needs Georgina to say it in a Spanish accent -‘There were these 2 Spanish firemen: one called Jose` and the other called Hose B. ‘

The teatime teaser continues..

You are not even close .

With the help of amblesideprimary.com’s calculator,I worked out that if we live to 80 ,we will do this 2484.2875 times in a year , divide that by 365 ( please don’t get picky about leap years ), and its 6.8 times a day . I worked out my average yesterday ,and it was running at 7.5 ( the .5 being the cheese grater that was in the sink ,so didn’t really count )

Any closer ?

…things must be bad ,when Flo and I find ourselves looking forward to Countdown .Rachel ( still wearing ghastly clothes and high heels , while jiggling her numbers ) is still as dreadful and Nick is trying too hard ( and should stick to the Apprentice – I think margaret would have been better or Lord Sugar himself ). And even with pen and paper in hand, I struggle to find a word of more than 5 letters . I’m slightly better with the maths, even with out Ambleside Primary Schools help, but have NEVER solved the conumdrum ( if thats how you spell it ).

some people are still wearing coats

We continue to bumble along , in out hot ,slow way – think Brian the Snail without the cheery attitude . Florence does a lot of sketching ,I do a lot of stretching – not just my Achilles ,but to reach things cos it’s too much effort to get up ,( how did Nancy Sinatra manage in her 2 boots ?). It is odd isn’t it ,that when you are sick bay and you have time on your hands , you don’t have the motivation or energy to do any of the stuff you thought you would do, and instead you do things like – make lists – read last Sundays paper – think about what’s for tea .Talking of which we had a birthday one ,last night to celebrate Fabian’s 18th .I even baked a dairy-free banana cake , which those of us who can eat dairy ,lathered with nutella and Cornish ice cream .

Anyway back to that Sunday paper .This has to be the quiz question of the year …..

“What will the average Briton do 198,743 times during their lifetime?”……….Clue:Double that number for me ( and the answer is not -cry ) Answers on a cyber postcard please.

We have the joys of West Middlesex Hospital this afternoon.

What language is this in ?

Adam, mines not – even though I am fluent in it …

Visitors v welcome .The novelty of being a nurse that has trouble getting up and down the stairs ,is wearing off .I need distraction therapy , whereas poor Florence needs a bucketload of painkillers.

Plus we are upstairs ..so No TV which means NO ‘Judge Judy’ -as recommended by friend Paul ( intimes of stress )

You have 1 day left to go

I think I’m being stalked .Last night I went to the theatre ,and sitting right behind me was …..Christopher Biggens ( he has a very loud laugh ) and last year on March 9th , just over a year ago (spooky ? ) he followed me in to see ‘Puttman High 25th Spelling Bee ‘. Funnily enough on both occasion I had been to Belgos first for moules and frites .Now I’m wondering if he was one of those waiters dressed as a Trappist Monk .

Anyway back to last night .Fiona kindly took me out and John drove up to town and brought us home . We went to see Hans Klok – Think Peter Stringfellow meets David Blaine meets Zoolander meets La Soiree meets Tranny Bingo – it had it all .It had to be the campest , over the top, Houdini Experience ,in town.We LOVED it . I couldn’t sit still for flying lightbulbs, tables, maidens levitating ,Hans levitating ,everyone disappearing and re-appearing somewhere else , straightjackets being undone while hanging upside down between 2 huge metal claws ( which snapped shut 1 second after Hans got done ), rollerblading, contortion dancing ( and that wasn’t me getting into my seat ), tightrope walking on your head, dancing, bondage, Hans submerged in chains in a tank of water and instantly swapping places with a maiden ( scantily clad ,of course ) .This stunt was just before the interval ,allowing Hans time to blow-dry his hair and re-apply his fake tan . etc etc . Christopher and I were in heaven . I would have given him a standing ovation , but by the time I’d positioned my boot ,held onto the persons shoulders in front and stood up , everyone else had sat down.

Now back to yesterday ,Izzy …sadly Teracotta was just a little too far for me and my boot to walk ( for a first outing ) , but I do go – even with Mr grumpy behind the counter .

Natalie ,thank-you for writing that about a grief – do circulate to your colleagues at your practice .

How I’m just off to tie John up ………

Is there anywhere other than C***A for coffee in West Ealing ( Don’t tell Florence I asked this )

I know I’ve asked this before ,but can anyone recommend a good book ? I have Claire’s ‘Starter for Ten ‘ and Alain’s ‘Religion for Atheists ‘ on the go ….but soon they’ll come to an end .So this weekend I’ll look to my God that is Amazon ( third afterTripadvisor and Four in a bed ) and hit that dreaded ‘buy with one click ‘ button .

Only stipulations- fast moving /few big words / not dreamy and romantic with flowery language .( the book ,not my ideal lover – if anyone is confused and thinks I’m joining an internet dating site )

Me and my big red boot are venturing out today – we are meeting Lorna and her bag of tinsel -for coffee.

I don’t actually have one, but some friends have threatened to take me to Kew Gardens and stick me in one

Thank you Declan, Sally and Adam for your lovely words , and thank you to everyone who came yesterday, sent cards,flowers, donated to The Spinal Injuries Association ( Ma’s chosen charity ) , wrote,read,sang,spoke,laughed and cried .Ma would have loved it ! The sun shone and it was all lovely and sad and happy .She was 90 bless her ,but on days such as yesterday Rosie and Jane are right there with her ..and that gash of mine is very exposed .

I was absolutely exhausted last night ,but bing …woke up at 1am with pains in my chest .It was either a heart attack or indigestion from the fish and chips .So I covered all bases, came downstairs and had a Gaviscon and a 2 Parcetamol and contemplated self-diagnosis by watching ‘Embarrassing Bodies’. But I felt snoozy and so went back to bed .I think it was indigestion.

Sarah,kristian,Thor ,Frig ,Gro ,Flo and Andrey jetted off to Copenhagen,Glasgow and Krakow today ,but Nic and Vic are joining us for supper tonight ,so the party continues .

Don’t be too concerned ,but I’m going into hospital tomo for a small medical procedure .You’ll be impressed , my consultant specialises in Sports Injuries. I expect I’ll be in there with all those Olympic hopefuls …and I’ve been told to keep the end of July beginning of August free ? Plus I can’t drive for 6 weeks ,so if anyone fancies taking an old girl out for a spin/coffee/lunch/day at the races etc – I’m game on and have my own wheelchair/rotator/elbow crutches/ motorised scooter *

Adam ,there’s a prog on tonight you might be interested in …BBC 1 10.40 ‘Rita Simons- My Daughter ,Deafness and Me’.

It’s the 21st tomo , so poignantly we’ll say goodbye to Rosie and Grandma together

random acts of kindness

Yesterday I went to Sainsburies to get the drink for Grandma’s final bash .On the shelf they only had 3 bottles of the particular wine I wanted , they checked their warehouse, but the cupboard was bare ,so I chose some other stuff, not quite as nice , to make up the case . Nat, on checkouts ,asked if I was having a party ,so I told her about Grandma , so she swiped in her staff discount card and gave me 10% off – wouldn’t happen in Tescos ! A Lorna card is wending its way to her as I type.

Sarah,Kristian,Thor,Frig and Gro arrived last night and they are out seeing Elmgreen and Dragnet’s bronze ‘Powerless Structure Fig 101’ on Trafalgar Square’s Fourth plinth and then back to hear John shouting at the television for 90+ minutes . Fiona and Trevor have invited us over tonight , let’s hope the rugby de-brief doesn’t take over 10minutes …I want to practice my speech ( joke ).

Florence ,Nicolai and Victoria fly in tomorrow as do Jacob and Andrey – except their Boeing 707 has morphed into a mega-bus.

It’s all a bit too sad at times

I know I’ve gone quiet about Grandma’s funeral , but it is on Monday . I realise now what a bubble I was in before Rosie’s , because there is so much to do and yet I can remember very little about the time between 21.12.08 and 6.1.09. It is amazing to think what shock can do to your mind and body . So although I have lists on my lists , have trouble getting to sleep ( all those self-help books -don’t …if you see what I mean ), think about Rosie ,Jane and Grandma constantly ,I am back to trying to protect myself by doing nice stuff and having some time each day in beautiful places – I’ve had lunch in The Crypt at St Martins in the Fields , walked in Kew and Richmond park , and today I’m meeting Bev for lunch .A big thank you to the friends who have suggested stuff.

Mother loathed artificial flowers

Only just found out flowers shouldn’t be left in church over Lent .I thought it was just about chocolate. I knew this as John had given it up for 40 days and 40 nights. Mind you I caught him biting into a Mars Bar ice cream -when questioned he said it didn’t count as it was frozen.Does the same apply to daffs ?

I have a HUGE pile by my bed- never read , but I do balance my coffee on them

It is like living in a scene from ‘Salmon’ here at the moment as Andrey The Narrator is staying with us , from Poland .So we are doing traditional stuff …watching ‘Four in a Bed’ , going for a Thai meal, wearing shorts ( well nearly ) etc etc.

I’m feeling sad and a bit overwhelmed with going through Grandma’s stuff and arranging her funeral .But bless her on the 16th April 2008 ,she told me what she wanted , so I do have a framework to hang things off . I did think the Dreamboys was a step too far , so I’ve substituted them with a hymn.

So what do I do when I’m feeling like this – yoga, pilates, swim ? No get onto Amazon and press that infamous ‘buy with 1 click ‘ button and order a self help book .This time it is ‘When you are falling ,dive .Using pain to transform your life’ by Mark Matousek

Asdan was No 16, we do that

After last nights thrashing at Contract whist ,it was good to wake up to some good news ….Declan’s sister, Aideen’s Housing Assoc was No. 24 in the ‘the 100 best not-for-profit organisations to work for ‘. It is called Southdown , it’s on the south coast and 2 of my ex students live there ( one of whom walked off with my waterproof coat ,and I never saw it again – but I think after 15 years ,I should let it drop )

second favourite -John’s shed

Helenka, I’ve heard him speak about architecture and he makes good sense about that too. Just lately Iv’e been having trouble getting off to sleep and so I think about neutral stuff .The other night I was doing just that and thinking of the most beautiful buildings I have been to . And I think my NO.1 is Salvador Dali’s house in Port Lligat ,Spain. The 5 of us went there in 2000.We arrived there green , having driven about an hour around hairpin bends, over the top of a mountain ,which was still smouldering from a forest fire 2 days previously.But once there it was amazing and well worth the puking into a Lleclerc carrier bag. I am not a fan of his work , I feel it is technically brilliant ,and apart from his ‘ Christ of Saint John of the Cross’ painting ,nothing really moves me ( is it because I have a loathing for eggs? ). But his house was beautiful .He had bought a fisherman’s cottage , for it’s light, on the edge of a working bay .Then the adjoining cottages came up for sale ,so he bought those 2 , knocked down a lot of the internal walls ,and architected ( can I say that ? ) his own house.None of the rooms were uniform shape .You went in the room in one door and came out of another ,(a bit like Cluedo ) There ware circular rooms, long rooms,dark rooms ,light filled rooms and of course a fabulous garden with tropical plants and THAT key shaped swimming pool .All right on the edge of the sea- it was stunning.

I know I am in danger of sounding cheesy ,but , I would love to know your favourites

A delivery

Anyone would think I just sat and ate chocolate and watched TV when I’m not feeling so chipper , well you’re wrong ( but wasn’t the series, Prisoners Wives, brill , and why do they bother putting mini-Twirls in a re-sealable bag ). I read too , and my new book has just dropped on the doormat .Well actually I had to go to the sorting office to get it as postie did the gentlest of knocks and then did his best Postman Pat sprint ,back to his van , before I had the chance to pull my trousers up or shout ‘Stop the van or Jess gets it’. It is a bit of a serious tome , although there are some pictures. It is called ‘Religion for Atheists’ ,by Alain De Bottom .I heard him interviewed on the radio, and he is the only person who more or less articulated how I felt . I know talking about religion or politics is treading on dangerous ground ,and I said I wouldn’t do it but I don’t know one person who has had a child die, who doesn’t look for answers.That is tricky, when like me, you don’t believe in the supernatural aspects of religion yet have an interest and respect in the framework, community and education that go with it. Am I just picking off the easy bits and can I engage with it , without faith ? Who knows ,but maybe I’ll be a bit wiser after reading the book ( that’s once I can put my ‘Brendan – the Memoirs’ book down )

Even Dr.Pixie looked surprised

I was just about to sit down with a steaming mug of fair-trade, coarsely ground, Costa Rican ,strong blend coffee ,when I watched ‘Embarrassing bodies’ – put me right off .I wouldn’t mind , but she only cleaned the end of the tube with a wet wipe .

Next is ..Restaurants then Quiz

Claire cooked us up the most delicious meal , and then we just had to do it …watch Ursula’s ‘Hanky panky ‘ on youtube .They,too, had seen the last night of ‘La Soiree’ and that night she really went for it- I love her ( Bob ,thinks she has a elongated finger to conceal the red hanky , but I couldn’t see it ). So went to bed well fed and with Ursula’s cheesy music going round in my head ,then stupidly picked up The Guardian Weekend Mag and went to bed . Stuck to my same ASD order- Your Pictures, Blind Date, What I’m really thinking, Your view, What you like , Q&A….but never made it to My Experience .Samantha Morton , when asked ‘What is the closest you’ve come to death?’ replied ‘Quite a few times. I thought I could fly when I was little and went to the top of the stairs and jumped-I smashed my head open .I had a car accident when I was 12. I got double pneumonia and septicaemia a few years ago .I also had a stroke a few years ago.’ She is a very lucky ( I know I’m a hypocrite ,I’m using a word I hate /don’t understand ) lady.

But today is a positive one , we are going up to Brum to celebrate John’s Sister ,Ann’s BIG Birthday .

Don’t try it with a dishcloth

I feel so pathetic having to have a snooze to boost my energy levels ,so I can go out in the evening. But I did and I went and it was fab .Fiona and I dined in Soho and then went to see Ursula Martinez’s one woman show . I’ve seen her 3 times before ,in La Soiree and La Clique and she is just brilliant and funny and grew up about half mile from where I grew up near Beulah Hill .If you have got 5mins to spare youtube her most famous act ‘Hanky Panky’- it never fails to put a smile on my face.

Warning : contains scenes of nudity ( hers not mine so you’ll be OK )

reading that back ,I’m even boring myself

Up until last night I was a quinoa virgin .Now I’m hooked . Actually that’s an exaggeration – it was Ok ( I did it with watercress, garlic,lemon dressing + chicken + sugar snaps), it’s not that different to bulgar wheat, but has tiny curly bits on so it looks prettier.

Feeling that horrible grief induced fatigue ,so everythings a major effort, so I’ve given into it and am going to have a nap.

made LOADs of phone calls today

I’m worried that I’m beginning to sound like I’m obsessed with death , but the truth is ,it’s the opposite – I’m obsessed with life ,and making sure it is good .For me that means doing good things with good people and protecting my family , my friends and myself . But of course ,when the inevitable or bad or sad stuff happens ,it now hits so much dam harder and it is so hard to bounce back .

Just after Grandma died at 2am ,I pottered .I made coffee, I held her shoulder ( she had liked that when her breathing shallowed, it reassured her – I think ), I ate biscuits ,I wrote lists , I tidied and watered her plants,I talked to her ,I made more coffee, I listened to Aled at 6am and then I opened my mail I had brought in from home .One envelope contained ‘Compassion’ ,the quarterly journal of The Compassionate Friends , and in that was a sort of card that you can give people who don’t know what to say /do when you suffer the worst loss, the death of a child. To me it makes a lot of sense .I’ll type it out and then I promise I’ll shut up for a bit and talk about something more interesting like ‘How good is ‘Prisoners Wives’ – anyone watching it ? /Should I see ‘the Woman in Black’ ? etc etc )…

For the last time ..here I go ….The card was titled ‘Ten ways you can help a bereaved person’ 1.say “I’m here for you” and be there 2.show you care 3. offer practical support 4. don’t take anger personally 5.be patient-allow silences 6 .listen and accept strong emotions 7. don’t say you know or understand unless you really do. 8. avoid platitudes-time’s a great healer etc. 9. allow them to speak of their loved one and speak their name 10. take care of yourself-know your limits

11. stick with them , don’t run away and say “I make it worse’ 12. watch ‘Coach trip’ and discuss at regular intervals

I made the last 2 up

Grace Joan Brown- Grandma

With a heavy heart ,I have to tell that Grandma died at 2 am this morning . She was 90 years 10 months and 23 days old and boy did she have spirit ,fight and determination right up until the end .Yesterday Richard ,Lise ,Del,John,Jacob,Florence and I were with her , there was never a time when she was alone . At around 11.30pm. Jacob. Florence and John , said their goodbyes and left .The last thing Grandma heard from them was laughter over something John said – it was all happy and positive stuff. I stayed next to her .She slept ,her breathing shallowed and finally stopped at 2 am .Her death was very peaceful .I will miss her so very very much.

Bert ,it is so poignant you chose that photo of Rosie and Grandma for this months picture .That picture is above Grandma’s bed, I stared at it for hours last night .

Oh and one last thing .The staff at Uplands were amazing .They certainly deserve their ‘Gold Standard Framework in End of Life Care’.Nothing was too much trouble ,they treated her with dignity, compassion and ensured she was comfortable and not distressed the whole time .I thank them..

Not forgetting John , who has been a rock

Too much sad stuff to write , but Grandma isn’t too well and so we cut short our trip to The Peaks . Jacob and I stayed with her last night , and Forence,Richard and Lise flew down/east this morning .So she is surrounded by people who love her .

I’ve packed my shorts

Just got in from visiting Grandma .She said her feet were cold , so Sally ,I covered them with your New Zealand sheepskin ,and she was all cosied up .One of the reasons I went today ,straight from work ,is that John and I are off on a little mini -break to the Peak Distict ,and my old stomping ground ,Sheffield,tomo .Good that it’s coinciding with a mini heat wave – a bit different to when I went there ,it rained everyday for the first 6 weeks!

Thanks Bert x

Yes that is a beautiful photo of Rosie and Grandma ,in fact,Grandma has it on her wall at Uplands .When I’m there lots of people asks who Rosie is ( they’ve met her other grandchildren -Jacob,Florence,Nicolai, Sarah and Victoria) and when I tell them ,they feel sad or embarressed or pity – I’m never quite sure which .Last week another visitor ,Sally,asked me.I told her about Rosie and she told me ,she too had a daughter who died , her name was Rebecca. Today I had a text from Sally ,saying her 98year old Mum,Vera, died peacefully last night .So sadly ,I won’t be seeing Sally again .She gave me a photo of Rebecca, so I have it on my cupboard wall – I have to believe she is with Rosie .

Anyway ,back to THAT photo .It was taken on Christmas day ,2007 .We had 32 people round to our house for late morning drinks .It was buzzing .The champagne flowed and John made a lovely speech .Ian’s dad Doug, had just turned 80 ,so we sang to him and John talked about how lovely it was for us all to be celebrating Christmas together, from Frig and Gro, aged 3 to Grandmama aged 86 . Grandma’s classic line was ,when Mairi came up to talk to her , ‘At last I’m talking to someone with a sensible haircut ‘ !

Moving on……….I’ve been manually handled today – up in a hoist ,blindfolded and earmuffed up and pushed around in a wheelchair .Now i’m qualified to do the same to others ( only been doing it since I was 11 )!

An email

Last year there was an article in the Family Section of The Guardian written by Linda Sterry ,about the sudden death of her son Gregor .She talked of holidays and how it was hard to find somewhere suitable as her husband was on dialysis .I emailed her ,telling her about the wonderful Sandrose Project .

Well today, out of the blue, I had a lovely email from her ,telling me they have a week booked there in July .I am so pleased for them – it is such an amazing place and after the terrible time they have been through ,they deserve a break in the most beautiful of places .

Please if you do know of any family suffering bereavement ( not Granny,Great-uncle , favourite cousin ,the dog – you know what I mean ), do tell them about The Sandrose project, Marazion,Cornwall. I cannot praise the charity enough.

I love our seasons

Soft greens ,that’s what I saw today as I walked through The Chiltern countryside .We walked up hill , down dale ,crossed The River Chess twice, picnic’d in the lynchgate of Sarratt Church .By 2pm it had turned into soft greys ,and the discovery that my kagoul is not waterproof . I think I looked at the landscape a bit differently having seen David Hockneys paintings .They were fabulous .I loved ,loved,loved them … just like he loves the Yorkshire landscape – it just shines through his paintings.

If you can ,go see it . If you can’t , do a painting on your ipad. If you haven’t got an ipad , try an etch-a -sketch .They are just as good and an 81st of the price.( and very underated )

Dins out tonight avec Claire and Bob

i hope this doesn’t sound too depressing.I don’t mean it to be

I’ve thought long and hard about writing about this, especially with Grandma being so frail ( at the moment )- but here I go….

A couple of weeks ago I read an article in The Times entitled ‘Regrets ? I have a few’. It was about a book by a French psychologist ,Marie de Hennezel, titled ‘Seize the Day’ and the bones of it are that it is human nature to shut death out ,but in our final days we often express great truths . So as a psychologist she encourages us to become aware of this and how to start living better lives. Sounds cheesy ? To me the article wasn’t and it sort of made good sense . I also have to say this is nothing to do with Rosie’s death .I have absolutely NO regrets about how she lived. She was happy ,fulfilled,kind,caring ,funny,slapdash had wonderful relationships, with her family ,especially her brother and sister , had the most gorgeous kind ,funny ,generous,caring set of friends, had achieved everything she had set out to do and of course,never knew she was going to die . This article is really written for older people and I am just condensing it to a few sentences.

These are the top 5 regrets of the dying .( in brackets it’s what Marie write )

1.I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me ( When people realise their life is nearly over and look back clearly on it,it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it )

2.wish I hadn’t worked so hard .( This came from every male patient that I nursed.They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship).

3.I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings .( Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others.They settle for a mediocre existence .Speaking honestly raises a relationship to a healthier level, or releases you from it. )

4.I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends ( it is common for anyone with a busy life to let friendships slip.But when you are faced with your approaching death,the physical details of life fall away.It all comes down to love and relationships in the end .)

5.I wish I’d let myself be happier ( This is a surprisingly common one.many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice.They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits.The so called comfort of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives.Fear of change had them pretending to others ,and to themselves, that they were content when ,deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have stillness in their life again ).

The instant variety- but only Nescafe will do .I tried buying Lidls once but never heard the end of it

After a particularly gruelling session at the Child Bereavement Charity , John and I went on to my cousin Robert’s house in Standlake ,for a lovely lunch .They really spoilt us .We came home armed with a ski jacket, home made chutney ,,jam ( we didn’t steal them , Louise gave them to us ) , and a lesson from Rebecca ,in how to use ebay effectively both to buy and sell – still not sure if I have the balls to put my bid in in the last second.( esp as Florence and I have that near bliss bid , when we typed in an extra 2 nought’s and bid £ 700 for a board game ),but apparently ,that’s the way to do it.

I haven’t liked to bleat on about it ,but Grandma hasn’t been too chipper lately .Yesterday Sarah ,Gro and I went to see her, followed by Victoria – she could barely say a word and slept for most of the time ( Grandma not Victoria ).But today she was a lot chirpier ( ditto ) when Sarah,Kristian,Thor,Frig and Gro went , followed by Avril, followed by Florence. She’s back to being a 3 cappuccinos a day girl.

snow stops play ,but the sea in Dublin made the play

I was a bit confused as to what 2 nearly naked men dancing and writhing in a giant pool of water had to do with The Easter Rising .When I booked I was thinking more ‘Riverdance’ ,less ‘My Beautiful Laundrette’. But saying that ‘at swim two boys ‘ was amazing .Seventy minutes of dancing ,which had us all blown out of the water …literally .I have never seen a stage like it – full of water .I had an email in the week advising us to get there early to avoid sitting in the front row ,as you’d get very wet, so we sat 2 rows back and still felt the odd splash .I love all round sensory theatre.

Then home to a houseful…of sleepers .I felt like Snow White in reverse .My five little Danish house guests were all snoozing , while John was a little grumpy as the rugby , he was about to sit down and watch ,had been called off.

Which ones were your brothers friends ?

Adam,I have just watched the documentary ‘Deaf Teens, Hearing World’ and I think everyone should be made to watch it . I guess what came over to me , is how deaf people have to work so much harder at doing stuff…life can be so dam hard – it must be exhausting at times . I was a bit worried ,as at the beginning the good old BBC said ‘Contains some upsetting scenes’ – unless you count that yeuch looking meal a couple had at Nandos,I thought it was quite uplifting and some of those young people were truly inspirational .Didn’t spot any ‘Adam woz here’ tags at your school .

It probably isn’t on iplayer for much longer ,so I urge you all to watch it

What I’ve done this week

It was a ‘Shame'( film -Tues ) we just came third in The Forester’s Pub Quiz'( self- explanatory – Wednesday ) ,tonight I’ll have to resort to’ Sleeping with Straight Men’ ( play- above the Stag pub in Victoria )

Grief

I had this email from Georgina today .I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing it with you…..

Dear Rachel,

I read this, something that was said by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (I’d never heard
of her before, apparently she worked in the study of death and how people deal
with it) and I thought I’d send it to you:
”The agony is great and yet I will stand it. Had I not loved so much I would not
hurt so much. But goodness knows I would not want to diminish that precious love
by one fraction of an ounce. I will hurt. And I will be grateful for that hurt
for it bears witness to the depth of our meaning. And for that I will be
eternally grateful.”
I can’t say I entirely agree with being ‘grateful’ for the hurt, but I like the
sentiment – we grieve because we loved the person that we have lost so much.
While it is devastatingly tragic and unfair that we lost Rosie, the hurt that we
feel, and the various ways in which people remember Rosie, all pay tribute in
different ways to how much of an imprint she left in the world.

I’m moved with EKR’s words and the fact that Rosie’s lovely lifetime friend had the sensitivity and kindness to send them to me.

It’s too cold to sleep outside

Considering the snow ,Soupy was rather quiet .But , John gave away his socks , I had to give some sweet,but sad ,woman her eyedrops and two women nearly had a fight .Oh and we ran out of soup…sandwiches….bread…butter….biscuits ….and fruit. So we had to open the beans. Felt guilty coming home to a nice warm house and a huge stifado.

I have but 4 words for you -War Horse,Don’t bother.

I sometimes think about what I said at Rosie’s funeral .I should have said more , said this ,said that. I didn’t do her justice ,I didn’t say enough about my love etc etc .These thoughts ( not that they matter ) go round in my head .

Richard Davenport -Hines is a writer and historian .His younger son Cosmo died at the age of 21 in 2008. Recently .I came across this -it is how he ended his speech at Cosmo’s funeral.

” Cosmo with his relish of the human comedy, his delicious sense of the absurd, his wittiness that reduced everything to proportion gave us 20 years of laughter to remember, but whether they will be enough to get us through the next 10,20,30,40 years ,I do not know. If some of us can promise ourselves to carry him in our hearts forever- to remember and emulate the joy-of-life, the consideration for others’ feelings, the courtesy and gentleness that her personified- then his short and beautiful life will not have been a waste.”

Such beautiful words, they sum up how I feel about Rosie.

As his dad asked the audience, did you see him playing himself in ‘Fresh Fruit’ ?

OK, I’ll come clean ..it was tantric singing at Hanwell Community Centre ( where that scene in Billy Elliot, where Billy dances with Julie Walters , was filmed ). I’m not going back , it was a taster and I was pants . On the phone the woman said it doesn’t matter if you can’t sing , but she lied, it did. Once there she asked me if I was alto or soprano, I thought she was talking Spanish , so I told her I was partial to a bit of tapas washed down with a San Miguel. But really it did matter ,and everyone could , so that’s that – til I find some other form of brain-gym to try ( do NOT suggest ,learn a language – although I did spy at HCC they do pottery classes…….. ).

But anyway ,on a positive, last night was fab John and I went to The Riverside Studios to see Jack Whitehall and his father, Michael’s ‘ show ‘ Back – Chat’. I love Jack Whitehall -he really does make me laugh out loud. His guests were Mathew Horne,Lethal Bizzle and Nick ( ex Apprentice and current presenter of Countdown , who thought it ridiculous ,C4 bleeped out the word ,wanker, last week ) Hewer. He’d brought the show down from The Edinburgh Fringe and it was basically a very funny chat show, with his dad interjecting with inappropriate,but very funny comments. Im making it sound naff, but really, it wasn’t.

But they are Sons ex-girlfriend and Mother

As if I’m not distressed enough with all your suggestions ( although the pelvic-floor does sound like a good one – I might sign up for that ), I sit down and turn on ‘Coach Trip’- only to find the new couple are called ….Rosie and Rachel

I’m still blushing

I’m back ,I survived am not too traumatised and to keep you just outside the loop ,the evening didn’t involve any wool , windows or loose women ( or bondage ).But there was one of Jacob’s friends mothers, one of my friends male neighbours and someone who remembers you, Lorna – from Sam’s keep fit class, there

* because i assure you I keep my clothes on

I’ve committed to something I’m not sure if I want to do …I’m going tonight .

If I’m not too embarrassed/ashamed , I’ll tell you tomorrow.

PS It’s not perfecting Ursula Martinez’s trick of where she hides her red hanky , as seen on Sunday night.*

You do 2 physical actiopns and I’ll do the first one you did – keep it going – that’s BG ( I think ) -sort of

Didn’t bother with La Soiree last night – it might have had something to do with the fact that as I sat in Belgo’s sipping my large glass of chilled white ,deciding what sauce I’d have my moules in , while waiting for my friend Jane to arrive , I just peeked at our tickets in their little white envelope and spotted the words ” Customers are encouraged to arrive early Sunday evening ”. How odd I thought .So I checked the date on the tickets -29 January. Then I checked the date on my newspaper – 28 January . Woops .

So I’ll be meeting up with Jane again tomorrow evening .

Just off to do my brain gym.

Woops , just a slight Freudian slip

I was reading an article about Mitch Winehouse .He was talking about Amy’s posthumous album ‘Lioness’ and how it was number one. The journalist ,Mark Prigg reported that nearly six months after Amy’s death ,Mitch still could nit bear to watch videos of her . What planet is Mark Prick on ? Of course he can’t ..it’s heartbreaking ,it’s wrong.it’s sad, she’s alive in the videos .Other people just don’t get that and how hard it is for us to see photos, hear her voice, see her handwriting , watch her move etc. I haven’t watched Rosie’s video ,since it was played at her funeral three years ,three weeks and one day ago. I hope one day I will be able to watch it ..maybe ,without such a heavy heart.

Off to see La Soiree tonight …it’s only the 4th time- can’t get enough of men dislocating their shoulders to get them through tennis rackets – perhaps that what Andy Murray should have ended with yesterday .

Is the plural of haggis -haggi?

Grandma and I spoke to Florence on the phone, today . She’s been celebrating Burn’s night by dancing the night away at a full blown ceilidh preceded by a haggis, neaps and tatties supper . Unfortunately all the shops had sold out of the fresh haggis’s , so they went for the deep fried version – followed by deep a fried Mars Bar.

And who said Nouvelle cuisine was dead ?

Minehead is a lovely sweeping pay , pity it’s spoiled by the big carbuncle at the end of the bay …Butlins

Just come back from a lovely 2 night residential trip to Foxes Academy ,right opposite the beach on the sweeping bay of Minehead .I urge you to watch the ‘Landmark Films- Strangest hotel in Britain’ .It’s a bloody stupid name for a dam good documentary . Foxes Hotel is a proper hotel , charging £55 for dinner , bed and breakfast, the difference being it is run by young people ,aged 16-25 years , with special educational needs. Myself and 2 assistants , took 5 of my 18 year old students ( on the train ) for some taster sessions and to see how the whole academy – training , shared houses , social life , shift work, additional therapies and support, etc works. It really is the nearest my students can get to the whole ‘university experience’. We all were bowled over by the place , the set-up and the downright refreshing honesty of the ‘learners ‘ ( as they call them.). After 3 years training ,they are encouraged to leave Minehead and seek a job elsewhere ..as we are well aware ,not easy in the present climate .I would LOVE to start a little cafe and employ a few of Foxes students… .

This is NOT to show I am a good person .That I am not .I do it for Rosie’s legacy to live on .

Yesterday I had this letter from Caren ,in Kenya .She mentions all of you , so I thought you might like to read it …

Dear Rachel,

I hope you are fine .I am quite well as I struggle to achieve my desired grade ( A ).I was very happy to receive your letter!All my friends who read it told me to say hi to you and your family and friends.Once again I am glad to have you as my sponsor. I always pray very hard that the good lord should always give you all the chances to see the full spring created from your beads of sweat.

My family members were also happy to know your family.My siblings Shialet (13 ) and Eugene (10 ) were very glad to meet John and his friend. I too was happy to meet them.Why don’t you too come and meet us ? I really long for meeting you personally because am really grateful for your huge heart.

I think school is getting better due to the various adjustments that have contributed to our well being. Throughout the term,I have been improving gradually in the exams we have been doing.But what we have in the report card is a reflection of the average of all the CATS we have been doing.I know and believe in next terms report card there will be a great improvement because I know too well that this is not the best I can achieve will put in more efforts and achieve a far better grade than a C+.

In the co-curricular activities,we emerged position 3 countrywide in the music festival competitions .I like singing and dancing. I also like writing articles during my free time .I have written quite a few articles for the class to read during free time .I am always happy and enjoy myself playing handball .I love the game so much and I know it will take me places.

Lastly, my mother told me to pass her warmest regards and gratitude to you when writing this letter .She says she can not figure out how life would be if you had not come into our life.She thanks you so much for your great heart, May God bless you..

Greet the rest of the family and friends .Thank them from me for being part of your life .

I long to seeing them again ,

Yours truly,

Caren Wanjala 25.11.2011.

St Cecilia Girls High School, Misikhu,Kenya

I’m off to Somerset tomrrow , taking some of my students for some taster sssions at Foxes Academy .You might have seen the documentary that was made about it , 5 years ago ( ish ). It looks like it should be a fantastic opportunity .Get googling.

I hope this isn’t turning into a list of quotes,I don’t mean it to .They just strike a chord.

When will my head let me lie peacefully in bed when I wake up ? This morning ,John and I were the two of the first people in Kew Gardens .It was beautiful . At one point we saw 4 peacocks sitting on the edge of the small pond , their electric blue bodies reflected in the water .Seeing things of beauty is good for the soul …as is the coffee and cake at the end of the walk. Talking of things of beauty …..last night I was taken to see the panto, Snow White done by Drag Queens and tonight is a first – we are going to see something at The Royal Opera House …not opera ( tried that once- its not for me ), not ballet ( unless Billy Elliot counts ), but juggling .It is the Gandini group and it is part of The London Mime festival and it’s in the studio ( cheap and affordable ) bit of the ROH and it’s in Covent Garden – a place where Jane liked to sit and people watch and Rosie went to get her black patent Doc Marten boots.

Today I read this ,by a lady who had cancer.She wrote ” being busy buries that kernel.But I haven’t yet decided if that’s good or bad.”.That sort of sums the active part of my life up

And yes Claire ,I agree , they are beautiful photos . In December, John gave me the most precious calendar made up of photos of Rosie .It’s still in it’s box .I just cannot open it ,those photos make me want her so much that I can’t think straight.

xx

I had a lovely email and photo today ,from Rosie’s friend Adam .He is just off to The Big Apple to work , designing clothes, in a fashion house .This is just a tiny part of the moving words he wrote .

”I cant remember which song this is from, but to me, it sums up Rosie perfectly:

‘…What you share with the world, is what it keeps of you…’

Thank-you for such beautiful words , and also for a wonderful photo .So sorry Steph Q. ,you’ve been gazumped as my screensaver. I now say goodnight to my PC gazing at Adam sitting at the base of The Isis.

She didn’t even notice the ketchup

I love listening to Simon Mayo’s Drivetime programme while I’m cooking the dinner ( except I’m not tonight as I’ve been invited out ). Last nights confession was spectacular – it involved Newcastle Uni Art students in a shared house , one of whom played the drums ( sound familiar ? ).It also involved cockroaches, nudity ,and power cuts and is far too complicated and witty for me to attempt to relate. Anyway he has a new slot ‘ Teenage Bedroom of the day ‘. Rosie and the fish pie sprung to mind .

Words are important to me

Essentially this blog is about love. My eternal love for Jacob,Rosie,Florence and John. But for me, it is also about death .I wouldn’t be writing it if Rosie hadn’t died.The ‘D’ word is a tricky one. I’ve found people don’t like using it -I can’t say I relish it . But personally I cannot cope with ‘lost’ or passed on .( Again – I an NOT speaking for anyone else ) For me, they do not soften the blow , they just make it more woolly . Death is real , final, and in Rosie’s case untimely, wrong and sad. I continue to be drawn to words about young people who have died. They fly out of newspapers, magazines and books right into my face. I am often bowled over by the wisdom and poignancy in these words and continue to have a feeling of deep ( irrational ) protection towards the young person who has died.

On Saturday ,I read what the actor Paul Bettany had written about the sudden death of his eight year old brother , when he was sixteen .

‘His death has had a profound effect on how I am as a parent, in good and bad ways. In the playground I am a neurotic parent. I really have to fight that instinct to surround them in bubble wrap and put a helmet on them. But there is a huge gift to come from it as well in that, yes, life is fragile – and, yes, we are in a precarious situation – but it is also spectacularly precious. It’s hard to say and take out of the context of my life and see it objectively, but I feel that it has informed the level of my concentration on my children and my concentration on the present and their childhood.’

I feel that – except substitute The playground for The Night Bus ( or similar ).

Music reaches parts of the brain other things can’t

The Pink Singers( who are europe’s longest established lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender choir ) , and their special guests , The South Wales Gay Men’s Chorus were amazing .My friend from work ,Chris , did the arrangement for Bob Dylan’s ‘Make You feel My Love’. It was beautiful, it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. But I think my favourite song in the whole concert was ‘Somewhere ‘. You’d know it if I belted out …”There’s a place for us , somewhere a place for us”. I’m pretty sure it’s from West Side Story ( CBA to google it ). Second favourite was MTFML and then 3rd favourite was ‘I Gotta Feeling’ .Ironically ,we play that a lot at work.My students love it ,and ,if at the end of the day we’re feeling a little sluggish ,we put that one on and we all end up dancing .Sounds cheesy …it is and yes , we are , but happy with it.

they are at The Cadogan Hall

Made ‘Cowboy Bean Bake ‘ for tea . Nothing odd about that ,except I took the recipe from ‘The DK Children’s step-by-step Cook Book’ with the inscription inside ” 9.12.98. to our darling Rosie, the new Delia. With our love ,Mummy and Daddy, Bon Appetit ! X ”. She should have been allowed to keep using her cookbook.

Kew Gardens looked beautiful and frosty this morning and I’m sure The Pink Singers who we are going to see tonight will look just as beautiful , and hopefully not frosty . My friend from work sings with them , so I’ll probably spend the first 10 minutes searching for his singy smiley face.

And it was nice to have a drink after,too.

Thank you to Ann H. for organising a mass for Rosie ,last night, in Ealing Abbey. It was beautiful, serene and atmospheric. Thanks also, to our friends and colleagues who came . I know I’ve said it before , but when people support us /stick with us/hold our hands ..it means a lot, and always will do . Your continued love and support never fail to move me.

Well ?

this was one ot the quiz questions in The Times…

”At what age are women supposed to be at their most confident ?”

tonight

I’m going to the first ‘Compassionate Friends’ meeting in ages . My pals Jayne and Hazel are running it now and they’ve shifted it to a Tuesday ,so I can go ( still see my shrink on a Monday ) .They’ve also decided we should call ourselves The Passionate Friends – cos we are.

I was useless at Trivs 30years ago…and have just found out, I stiill am

Sally , I remember when Trivial pursuits came out in 1982. Jane was desperate to get the game . I came home from Brum for a weekend and in her little orange mini we scoured all the shops to get that iconic blue box …but they were all sold out . Driving home to 53 we passed this run down old toyshop in Crystal Palace, Jane insisted I pulled up on the double yellows ( with her blue badge she got me doing alllsorts ) and go in . They had one game left .She bought it for ,I think ,for £29 ( loads then ). We never stopped playing it . The best ever game was on a Christmas Day around 1998. We played it with Auntie Emmie ( Mother’s Step Mother ) who was in her late 90’s and had mild, but happy, dementia. She insisted on her turn to answer the question from 2 rounds before . We were hysterical . We all loved Emmie at present giving time ,as she would come with an old carrier bag containing a few used items she’d picked up from around her flat ,then wait til she was given a gift , unwrap it , then use the paper to wrap an object from her carrier bag, to give it to someone else ….more hysterics. The children loved her.

Florence has travelled from the south east to the north west of the country in one day

We’re home safe and sound after the most wonderful little mini-break.We stayed in the most fabulous blue, Scandinavian type house right on the beach .It had HUGE windows giving us a 180 degree view of the sea ( after 3 years ,you know how much I love the sea ). It had a telescope ,books on birds ( untouched by us ) and 2 Joey and Chandler chairs ( fought over by us ) which were right in the bay window looking out to sea .The open plan sitting room was big enough to play Frisbee ( and of course- doms, contract and Trivs ) in . John and Jacob played about 7 games of pool in the local pub, while Florence and I managed to complete one game of darts – we had to abort ending on a double and go for nearest to the bull instead- it was a very long game ,I think we need to practice . On Thursday we got blown into Whitstable and then fought our way back against 30 mph hour winds, came home, thawed out and then once again fought against the elements to walk along the beach to our second nearest local pub ,The Sportsman. This one had a Michelin Star ( but sadly , no dartboard ) and we all had a gastronomic feast. After waking up to the sounds of the sea ( drowned out the snoring ), sitting up and looking directly out onto the most beautiful beach..we did a reverse of the ‘2009 black-toenail ‘walk…Seasalter to Faversham. It was about 8 miles of stunningness and no toenails were destroyed in the making of this trudge ( as Rosie used to call tour little expeditions ). Faversham is all sort of Dickensian and pretty, and so was the little pub we ended up in . Then we rounded of the evening with moderny ,fusiony tapas at Jojo’s in Tankerton. We drank Kentish Wine , then came home and made calypso coffees and to round the evening off Jacob and I thrashed John and Florence at ( haven’t played it for ages ) Trivial pursuits.

Went to sleep thinking of Rosie ,and listening to the sea…..she’s out there somewhere.

i didn’t alter any of their spellings

Did a 10mile round walk yesterday , the hi-light being lunch and a large glass or red at The Stag and Huntsman in Hambledon.Pity it was closed for refurbishment .A pork pie and a packet of salt and vinegar from the local shop weren’t quite the same.

So today i stayed in and did a ‘sort out’ .I came across loads of hand made cards and letters from les enfants ,when they were little . Here is just one from each of them.

”To Mum, hope you have a great birthday.You know you allways say you’ll start your diet tomorrow well why don’t you start now. Theres some lettuce and water to last you for 254 days. Only joking,your perfect. From Jacob ” 15.3.01

”to tooth fairy. please rite your phonenumber and your name.thenk you.my name is Rosie” 19.9.96

”HAPPY Mothers day with yowr hede chopd off.To mum i lave you lave Flo” around March 1998 ( complete with a picture of me with my head chopped off )

I think of Jane when I read this

Three years and 12 days after Rosie’s death, it’s seldom that someone actually ‘gets’ or acknowledges how I am feeling. To be brutally honest ,I find that hard , but I guess, to a lot of other people , our grief is history. We all know people have busy lives and in pyschobabble speak- move-on .But on the 21st I had the most beautiful card from a friend ,Fiona. She didn’t know Rosie well. We’d had a couple of picnics with her and her two boys in Osterley park ( one involving wheelchair races and a sabre- don’t ask ) . She is a Buddhist and in the room in her home where she chants , she has a photo of Rosie.That alone moves me greatly.

This is what she wrote …

Dear Rachel, I love this ( see under ) and always think of you when I read it, Love Fiona x

”He notes that courage is often seen as a hero warrior virtue, relating to battle and to endurance in the face of perilous physical challenges and adventures.

However , his focus is on the daily acts of courage that many people exhibit in the process of leading ordinary lives.Epic adventures like mountain climbing, whilst dangerous, are often self constrained in duration ,and when over ,if all goes well ,see a return to the status quo of ones’ life.But he notes facing grief and disappointment is quite different; these are open ended dispensations with embedded unforeseeable’s.

He quotes the Roman philosopher, Seneca, that there are ‘times when merely to live, is itself an act of courage’.Grayling writes : ‘ to lie sleepless with pain at night, or to wake every morning and feel the return of grief, yet to get up and carry on as best as one can , is courage itself,.’ ” AC Grayling

Am I the only one who still writes cheques ?

Florence rolled in ( minus key , so I rollled downstairs to open door ) at 6am , meanwhile Jacob partied in Newcastle , then rolled on down to York ( I think ), meanwhile we ate ,drank , and played games with Richard and Sarah, meanwhile fireworks went off and people were happy , or not. but we are in a new year , which means one thing … a lot of torn up cheques ,cos you write the wrong date on them.

Uplands , Shrek and leftovers today today.But not in that order.

I last said ‘Happy New Year’ in 2007 , and it wasn’t . so i won’t bother with that sentimental claptrap again

Got lost in Egypt * today . Then we found some old man who was more lost than us ( and very purple ) and took him back to his car .

Wishing you all good health and happiness ( and a seat in the 100m men’s final ) in 2012 .

*Look Egypt up in your A-Z’s , and you’ll see where I was walking

While you’re at it ,look ‘Dogging ‘up .

Don’t worry it’s only a song from last night , and couldn’t possibly show up on your PC’s recent history

It’s hard to bounce back after that

Selco’s cancelled ,so more walking and more theatre . Tonight its ‘Fascinating Aida’ ( watch ‘Cheap Flights’ on youtube and you’re know who they are ). Yesterday it was ‘BOING’ at Sadler’s Wells. Average age of the audience was 6 and I think Flo and I were the only ones without any kids , but we loved it .Then in the evening it was ‘Conjuring at The Court’ ,ab fab and sadly and rather worryingly , I’m getting a real liking for ventriloquists.

Talking of which I am NOT a sock puppet ( only found what one was yesterday ).They are people who do stuff ,like write a blog, on tinternet,but pretend to be someone else .I promise you I am not Amina Arraf, a Syrian lesbian blogger , who turned out to be a 40 year old male student from The University of Edinburgh! Feel free to test me. How many times did I see Godspell ? Where did I put my school dinners when I couldn’t eat them ( I know shocking- but we weren’t allowed to leave any food on our plates ) ??I will have the answers

Anyone listening to Radio 2 at 11am ? I was innocently putting away my big Sains shop ,when Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Girls in their Summer Clothes ‘ came on. It was like I’d been punched and I felt grief as in that first hour .

Look up Selco – you won’t be jealous

Keeping busy ,keeping busy .

This is my brain gym, trying to remember what I’ve done ( not just self indulgent claptrap ). Went to The Maynards on the 26th. lots of people there , but all I could see was Rosie ..dancing and laughing …like she used to. Brum on Tuesday .Nanny looks amazing ,after all the surgery she has been through. Walking ( twice ) yesterday . Theatre ( twice ) today . Walking and Selco and more theatre tomorrow.

I hope you’ve all had a lovely time

It has taken me to now to read the article on page 3 of Saturday’s Guardian about George Michael .He was recently admitted into the AKH Hospital In Vienna after contracting the virulent streptococcus pneumoniae bacterium. He was very very poorly and thankfully ,he survived.I am moved by his story ,and genuinely happy for him .But , once again ,the ‘ why?’ question rears it’s ugly head and gnaws at my brain. Rosie really was very unlucky and cheated out of the life she deserved.

We had a lovely Christmas Day ,thanks to The Clarke’s. After taking champagne and nibbly bits to Grandmama’s ( who would not get out of bed ) on Christmas morning, we went onto Sarah,Richard,Michael,Georgina and Natalie’s for the most amazing Christmas dinner , fireworks, sparkers, pass the parcel ( made by an ex GSA Illustration student ), ‘who am I ?’- stickers on your head game ,and then the best and funniest game of Balderdash EVER. We left the table at around 1.30am. Jacob won .

Then on Boxing Day , after 9 months of not leaving Uplands , we persuaded Grandma to get into her wheelchair ,be loaded onto The St Ann’s School mini-bus and go to The Dulwich Woodhouse for lunch – result !

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas Day

We don’t exchange gifts. There is only one thing we all want .

But to John , Jacob and Florence I give my never ending love, support and protection .And to Rosie I give this song-

Thank you for the days
Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me
I’m thinking of the days
I won’t forget a single day believe me

I bless the light
I bless the light that lights on you believe me
And though you’re gone
You’re with me every single day believe me

Days I’ll remember all my life
Days when you can’t see wrong from right
You took my life
But then I knew that very soon you’d leave me
But it’s alright
Now I’m not frightened of this world believe me

I wish today could be tomorrow
The night is long
It just brings sorrow let it wait

Thank you for the days
Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me
I’m thinking of the days
I won’t forget a single day believe me

Days I’ll remember all my life
Days when you can’t see wrong from right
You took my life
But then I knew that very soon you’d leave me
But it’s alright
Now I’m not frightened of this world believe me

Days

Thank you for the days
Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me
I’m thinking of the days
I won’t forget a single day believe me

I bless the light
I bless the light that lights on you believe me
And though you’re gone
You’re with me every single day believe me

Days

Stu came a close second

We didn’t get lost .The gales blew us into Kings Place in Kings Cross for coffee , Ottolenghi’s in Islington for supper and The Almeida , for a play.

Jacob has just thrashed Izzy,Nikki ,Flo and I at cluedo …twice. It was quite a fun do – in fact it was more of a fondue .I bought a small one in The Oxfam Shop last weekend and so I spent all afternoon grating my emmental, boiling my white wine and kirsch and chopping my crudites.It made a change and as always ,it’s lovely to be with Rosie’s friends.

have you seen brendan’s jumpers?

Yesterday I went from the Child Bereavement Charity to Uplands to West Mid Hospital . So it was light relief to come home to see Michael C. with a lemon stuck to his head . Jacob’s ‘experimental portrait photo shoot’ is underway.

Today I’m being taken on a magical mystery tour of secret london.If it’s anything like last time, we’ll get lost and end up -up an alley and into in Threshers ( which by our directions should have been the birthplace of Samuel Pepys ).

3 bloody years

Stu, that quote is amazing . I have copied, pasted and laminated it and will keep it with me at all times .He could have written it for Rosie ( especially after she brushed past him with her 22p packet of salami ! ).The words are beautiful ,and for me it resonates truth.

Thank you to everyone for their words ,flowers, donations,cheeses, pictures, cards and CDs on such a sad anniversary. A special thank you to those near and far who have kept in touch and included us in stuff. I find it hard to predict how I’m going to feel , but it is always nice to asked. Sometimes the feelings of isolation combined with sadness can make me feel very lonely.Pile on the guilt, fatigue and yearning..and you’ve pretty much got grief in it’s rawest form. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.

The four of us spent yesterday ..walking,frisbeeing ,talking,laughing, crying, eating, drinking and undoubtedly feeling Rosie’s presence with us.

Rosie should have been allowed to done this

‘ life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather a skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke,thoroughly used up,totally worn out and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a ride ! ” ‘

Hunter S Thompson

I still look for answers – I guess I always will.

It’s poor Johnnie’s last day at work .He’s done well to struggle in as he’s not feeling too well and his scooter wouldn’t start . Jacob flies in from Krakow today and Florence is home from Glasgow.It is so important we huddle together for tomorrow. Three dam ,long,sad,unbelievable years. My gash is very exposed .

it started with an all singing ,all dancing ‘Lets get the Party Started ‘ .The audience went wild

Camped it up for Christmas yesterday . After singing along to my to my Barry Manilow CD ( I defy anyone to say they can’t belt out ‘Even Now’ when it’s being played at top volume ), Emma and I went up to the most beautifully decorated area of London, Sloane Square ,to see The London Gay Men’s Chorus ‘ Christmas show ..’Make mine a snowball’. It was jaw droppingly fantastic- funny,happy ,sad ,dancey ,singey (NO BM though ) and for one set they harmonised 26 christmas number ones from the dreadful Bohemian Rhapsody to Feed the World to Bob the Builder etc etc – it was genius .The audience went wild ( and smelled beautiful ) and it ended with dropped-down songsheets on stage and everyone singing ‘Bring me Sunshine’. Feelgood factor -a perfect ten .Then after dins ,a bottle of fizz , it was home ,avoiding any contact with the media as we wanted it to be a surprise , for the final of ‘Strictly’. My predictions were right and John was happy as he got to see his Dougie and his bandana again .

I might be controversial here but I do think Tess ,Len and Alicia should go. Tess cos she’s wooden and wears horrible dresses , Len cos he’s so rude to Craig ( how many other people on TV would get away with snarling ‘Shut Up’ to their fellow panel member ? ) and Alicia cos she says nothing constructive, instead ‘ you’ve come a long way on your journey ( One of my all time hated phrases , some people have said it to me – it means NOTHING , they obviously have no realisation of what that person is going through ).

I think ..analysing ‘Strictly’ ,should have been no.11 on my Insania list. The jury’s still out on Brucie.

Chloe from Elthorne’s Mum came and spoke to me this morning .Chloe had had some Elthorne friends round night and they were talking and remembering Rosie. Although her telling me ,reduced me to deep deep tears , it warmed me .I always want her to be remembered.

Any more tips ?

Rachel’s Top 10 Tips of how do deal with insomnia ( which is NOT to be mistaken with peter Andre’s song,Insania )

1.Turn pillow over

2. Analyse Chelsee’s moves.

3.Send her positive thoughts , cos I’m pretty sure Harry’s going to win

4. Stick leg out of bed

5. Think of as many names of punters at Soup kitchen .

6.Put leg back and stick other leg out – if desperate ,stretch Achilles

7. Think how could last nights dinner on ‘Come Dine With Me’ be done better.

8.Plan 2012 diet and fitness regime ( this one gets at least 30 seconds )

9.Sing ( in my head , I’m not that cruel to John ) ALL the words to ‘American Pie’.

10. run through the 22 Upland’s Christmas part raffle prizes in ascending older ( 22 being a John Wayne video and 1 being a flatscreen TV )

PS

What not to do

1.Pine for Rosie

2. Worry that Jacob and Florence are safe.

it’s their party tomorrow

Well today ,en route to Uplands I had to pop into M&S. I found it quite oppressive-the piped Christmas music, the crowds ,the clutter, so I drew breath and dug deep.Then I had to go to West Mid Hospital , so I dug deeper .Then I got to Uplands ,and came to the surface again. There’s something refreshingly normal about being with people who don’t know if it’s Christmas,Easter or if the Second World War’s over .

Did anyone see Panorama’s programme about Adoption last night – it was incredibly moving ?

Sometimes it’s hard to keep focused when there is so much sadness in your head

For me, this is probably one of the hardest weeks of the year. Not because everyone else is busy, happy and excited about their Christmas break ( or maybe stressed as hell and doing a good job to cover it up ), but because I vividly remember this week, three years ago. This was to have been the night we celebrated Rosie’s Birthday.She had chosen for the five of us to have dinner at Sam’s Brasserie in Chiswick .Now I feel physically sick if I hear the name of that restaurant .

The most beautiful song …ever

I think you are all aware of a) how hard this time of year is for us and b) the poignancy of watching ‘Strictly’. So imagine our shock ,disbelief , utterly overwhelming sadness and longing for Rosie,when we came back home after seeing ‘The Importance of being Ernest -The musical’ and switched on to ‘Strictly’ – and saw Harry and Aliona dance to ‘This Years Love’ by David Grey , the last song we ever played to Rosie.

My clumsy words cannot describe my feelings inside.

friends

Thank you to everyone who remembered Rosie yesterday .

We were moved by your donations,cards, games, plants, toasts of champagne on the morning Eurostar to Paris,wine,amazing Indian food and of course the wonderful company of some of Rosie’s kind,funny,generous ,thoughtful friends. I had intended making a little speech of how lovely they all were , how lucky Rosie was to be part of such an easy-going group, how grateful I was to them for sticking with us ,but I was speechless after they revealed…Georgina had never ate KFC, Adam was related to Camilla Parker Bowles, Holly had eaten illegal substances as a baby, Florence had led a revolution,Stu’s sort of uncle was a reserve for the 2nd Big brother series, Nikki had run into a goalpost, Jacob had a revenge egging at Chickenspot ,Ryan had been dropped down an escalator as a baby,Amy was related to the King of Spain,Izzy P’s relation was the first female mayor of Leeds, Joe had nicked a ‘friends’ bottle of wine and then replaced it with another one he nicked and Laura’s Mum had fallen in a huge mound of pig poo. It wasn’t a group therapy session , but a game of ‘Would I lie to You ? ‘ Preceded by indoor fireworks, pass-the parcel with the prize being a game of consequences…it’s got to be done .

Rosie was with us all the whole evening

Rosie was born on a Saturday

At this time in 1989 Jacob was dispatched to No.53 as I was in labour with Rosie, and John was taking me to Queen Charlotte’s Hospital. Geoffrey had dementia , so wasn’t really in the ‘childminding loop ‘ so Joan and Jane recruited Jane’s friend Paula to come and help. Rosie was born early afternoon. John then collected Jacob ,and Paula went home .Two years later Paula died ,just a couple of months after being diagnosed with a brain tumour. She was in her thirties. A week before she died a Registrar came to her home and conducted a wedding service for her and her partner .This was unheard of then . Jane and Joan went and said it was incredibly moving ..

This may sound a stupid shaggy dog story and not a lot to do with Rosie …but it has .It has because in my head I’m reliving that day ,22years ago, and in my heart and soul I’m hoping that Jane, Rosie and Paul are together somewhere having a dam good laugh about John wanting me to get out of the bath whilst I was in agony in labour in QC Hospital , so he could get in as he hadn’t had a shower that morning .( it didn’t help that he’d found a hospital wheelchair and was doing his ‘Ironside ‘ impression ,around the bathroom )

As my love grows and deepens for Jacob and Florence..it does too for Rosie.

151mph gusts this afternoon

Can you please make whoever is responsible for this ghastly wind to stop it by tomorrow morning. Florence has a 9.30 flight from Glasgow and we all want to be together for Rosie’s 22nd Birthday .

Put my name down for the staff showdance but they are performing whilst I’m at Uplands

I’m glitterballed up .

This week at work ,we are having 3 ‘Super learning days’ .These are when everyone’s off the official timetable ,but working in groups within a common theme .The theme being ‘Strictly Come Dancing’. They didn’t trust me to lead my class into The Jive ,so instead I’ve been in charge of decorating the hall .That sounds easier said than done .It’s a big Victorian ‘School board’ type hall ….so my students and I have made 32 huge discoesque glitterballs !If the truth be known I’d have preferred to dance .

We have his photos and he looks as fit as a flee.

A huge thank-you to Bal in Birmingham .We have never met him , he is a friend of Julia Lilley’s ( John and I met at her ex-partner, Desi’s 30th Birthday party, back in Moseley in 1981 ) and I hope now he is a friend of ours . He just raised £150 by running the Birmingham half-marathon, for Rosie .We are very moved, in fact reduced to tears ,by the act of kindness he has shown ,both in thinking of Rosie and through her ,supporting and changing the lives of some children in Bungoma, Western Kenya.

She looks lovely in it

It was lovely seeing Chelsea ( and Chelsee- she’s still my favourite ) last night .Four years ago she stayed with us for 3 months and then in 2009 Jacob and Patrick went and stayed with her in New York .She had stories to tell about Rosie and was amazed when she saw the picture of Rosie and Izzy on our Decembers calendar – Rosie was wearing Chelsea’s grey ‘Ursinus Soccer ” T shirt that she’d accidentally left behind.Waste not want not .

I’ve never seen lighting like it in a show

I’m no Uncle Bobby ( Auntie Grace’s husband , who was a theatre critic ) , but I know what I like.

Last night we went to the Meunier to see ‘Pippin’ and John and I loved it …it was pure unadulterated ,over-the-top,camp,futuristic,dancey ,kitsch,weird ,singey ( an audience likes nothing more than singing along to the words projected on the backdrop -think Dominic Grey at Waterman’s ),happy,sad, in your face …and vaguely moral .It hasn’t been reviewed yet .Mark my words ,the critics will loathe it .

Our lovely ex lodger Chelsea, from NYC, is in the country and so is coming to dins tonight .I’ve gone traditional , roast beef, Yorkshires and all the trimmings , followed by a good old trifle ,with sherry substituted by rum ( although it was a toss up with the Disaronno ).

Changing the subject- don’t you just love Dougie ?We got in last night and watched the final of ‘I’m a celeb’ .I’m missing Ant and Dec already .

too many I’s and me’s -I’m sorry

I fear this might sound a bit muddled ,so please, bear with me . Today I was reading about Dr, David Servan-Schreiber ,who ,once diagnosed with a terminal malignant brain tumour wrote one last book ‘Not The last Goodbye’. It is thought he wrote the book to give meaning to what was happening to him. At one point he talks about the effect his absence ( due to his death ) will have on his wife and children,and he mentions a soldier from the American Civil War who wrote to his wife before leaving for battle, convinced he would not return…..”And if I don’t ,I hope that every time you feel a breeze on your face, you know I am there………”

I do try to self-monitor my own feelings. I try to be positive and happy ,staving off times of deep sadness and isolation.And there is one thing I am convinced of – that when I am outside ,in places of raw beauty (,with people who protect me and have chosen to stick with me) Rosie is with me .She is the breeze on my face .

Jacob, do you remeber the time you saw Santa in Ealing Broadway ?

Apart from the 2 obvious questions, that eat me ,both day and night, I have 2 others …

1.What exactly is Tuareg music ( Florence if you want to find out and report back to me ,’Group Inerane’ are on at Kinning Park Complex, Glasgow, tonight ) ?

2. Why is Fatima still in the jungle ?

I’m off walking in Painshill Park today . I last went there around 14 years ago with Claire and Bob and our six beautiful children . I remember it being lovely – a sort of mini Stowe or Stourhead . Shame they’ve turned the grotto , an original Victorian folly, into Santa’s house – we’ll give that a wide birth.

*that wasn’t part of the inspection, one just happened to land right next to the school

Earlier today, Jacob was megabusing it up to Newcastle to see a Toureg Band ( looking for inspiration for Michael C’s photo shoot perhaps ) ,John was fending off emergency helicopters* in his Ofsted Inspectors health and safety tour of the school , Florence was strolling around Loch lomond ( actually it was last Saturday , but I only found out today )and I was having coffee with Dave. Dave has replaced Arthur as the manager of Uplands – quite frankly I think he’d rather have been having coffee with John ( or Arthur ).

Then later in the day ,I received an email from Steph , who had been to see Rosie’s plaque at The Isis ,and so now, the lovely Steph from Jersey is saving our screen.

dates

I’ve said it before and I honestly don’t think there will be a day I will stop saying it , but seeing unfamiliar photos of Rosie is difficuilt ( nearly as hard as coming across a piece of her handwriting – that is almost unbearable ). Her love of life and raw beauty speaks to me through her photos .My overwhelming love and desire for her , winds me , hits me in my gash and unsettles me BUT , I sort of peek at them until I feel an ease of looking at them .I love her so much and as she is so alive in her photographs, when I see them , my loosely stitched scar splits open and it is hard to pick myself up or at least cover it up. But ,I do want to see every photo of her, I can’t bear the thought of there being photos out there I can’t or haven’t seen. On the 21st of every month Bert chooses and downloads the photos of Rosie onto her website .I thank him so much for that .He makes brilliant choices .This month it’s Helen,Tim,Rosie and Natalie at John’s 50th , then it’s the familiar photo of Rosie in her Waitrose uniform , taken by Laura .In the blog one , she is with Holly – where was that taken ? Tomorrow I turn over my calender…December is finally here and the most beautiful photo of Izzy P and Rosie will be shining down at me from my kitchen wall. It won’t be easy cooking the dinner while peeking round the door.

Time to study the dictionary

Spent the afternoon in my own little bubble, radio on, glass of chilled white in one hand , sharp knife in the other. Friends are coming for supper ,so I’ve sharpened the pencils for The post-dinner game of ‘Absolute Balderdash’, bitched up 2 courses ( a lovely little expression of Grandma’s ) and finally ,sliced a lemon and dug out the anchovy paste for The Classy Cocs( Rosie’s words ,not mine )

*A: Quantum Physics .

Oh Georgina, Fenton is history , youtube ‘John Archer fooling Penn and Teller’. I saw him , spoke to him,adore him and performed with (ish )him last night.

The man is amazing . In one of his tricks ( the best one ) , he had 6 stooges .The first was Andy Shutz ( Anna’s Dad ) and the 5th was me. Its hard to explain , but he fooled us ( doesn’t take much ) , we had our jaws on our chest ( once again , for some of us ,it doesn’t take much ). I tried wxplaining it to John and jacob , but they looked suitably bored .

But right here goes. John Archer, on stage , handed a cardboard ‘Starbucks type’ cup with a dice in it ,to Andy. Andy stood up , shook the cup and with his hand over the top , peeked in , made a mental note of the number and then he handed the cup with the dice in it , to another member of the audience . This happened 5 more times. Meanwhile , john Archer , who remained on stage the whole time , asked us dice throwers lots of questions…most unusual food you’ve ever eaten/first person you kissed etc ( Luckily mine was , favourite subject at school ?*). The 6th person handed the cup back to John A. and then he proceeded to go name the six of us ,in order ,the answers to all our questions , and the number on the top of our rolled dice.Of course he got them all right he was jaw droppingly amazing.

I love magic , it is a true ,genius, happy,thought-provoking distraction.

PS Did any of that make sense ?

I know singular of dice is die , but it just didn’t read right.

Set your VCRs

A few more thank-yous ….

To my friend Jane ……who last night, picked me up, drove me to Windsor where we wined and dined within the beautiful arches of Royal Windsor Station and then introduced me to her friend,John, who was appearing in Ruddigore ( I know it’s the second time I’ve see it in six months- it’s a sort of adult fairy story ). We then joined the crew for after show drinkies and a nosey round the dressing rooms. A lovely night.

To one of my students ……. who came into our class this morning , and gave me a carrier bag .A gift I thought , but alas no , she’d been sick on the bus and…..( nuff said )

To Jools Holland ….who has invited Thomas Shickel’s( Rosie’s friend ) band, Spector, onto his 10pm BBC2 show ,tonight.

Just checking – we all know what a hostelry is don’t we ?

We loved our tour guide ,David, even if we did disagree on his blue glasses looking like Timmy Mallets. The 5 amigos joined David’s walking tour of Olde Kensington Village . It was beautiful , we looked up , we looked down, he told us what all the plaques meant, how you tell the age of a building by looking at the windows ( not including the NCP car park ), we saw the most beautiful squares, mews, tiny lanes , bijou shops ( I now know where to buy John his Polo playing outfit ), patisseries, St Mary abbots Church, Kensington Palace,Paul Burrells House ( now £10,000 a week to rent ) , The Israeli Embassy ( NO photos allowed )- the list goes on and on .

Then we hit the most lovely hostelry ‘The Builders Arms’ and bedded in for four plus hours.

A HUGE thank you , to our lovely friends Sarah, Claire and Bob for making it happen .

We are meeting by the perfume shop ( not in it )

Is it just me that finds Terry Wogan the most irritating, supercilious, condescending, narcissistic ,presenter on earth ?

Going walking today with our Rosie’s Auction Tour Bidders ,Claire and Bob and our Rosie’s Auction Tour guide provider,Sarah.

Not your sock drawer Jacob?

Izzy ,thank you for thanking us. I’ve been telling everyone ( well the woman next to me on the train , when I laughed at your text ) that you spotted the cast of ‘Made in Chelsea’ ,plus Matt Cardle and Zane Lowe .But sadly on one of the rides your hat blew off ( Rosie would have laughed at that ).

Thanks also to Izzy and Holly , for helping out at The Big Charity Ace Fundraising night . I reckon your charms and meeting and greeting skills helped them to raise so much money .

Just got in from a lovely day in Tunbridge Wells visiting Theresa ,Elodie and Amelia. My flowers are gorgeous and even the lady sitting next to me on the train ,commented on the orange gerberas.Thank-you.

Today Jacob breakfasted on beer in Brussels and lunched on Amstel in Amsterdam. He has Eurostared there for The Amsterdam Film festival .He texted to say there are over 100 films playing with huge name directors.In the programme ‘Wires’ has a whole A3 page with stills and the caption ‘but there was one other place that was not photographed ‘.

Where was that Jacob?

Don’t be shy – come and get them

I have in my hand 2 complimentary wristbands for ‘The Winter Wonderland preview night’ in Hyde park TONIGHT, 5-9pm. I guess it means you can go on all the rides …and stuff. Jacob will be at band practice , Flo is in Glasgow and John and I are too pooped ( and happy to stay in with Ant& Dec ) to go .

They were giving yo us, for dedicating our plaque to Rosie and contributing to The Isis Education Centre in Hyde Park.

I would love someone to use them . So please if you , your friend,son,daughter,neighbour ,grandma would like them , please pick them up from under my doormat as I am at Grandmama’s all day . Just text me first , so I can stop someone else making a wasted journey

Dec-I need photographic evidence- was it scarlet,magenta or orange?

Yesterday I was reading an interview with Miranda Hart, and she was talking about crying , except she summed it up better than I did the other day .She said “I’ll cry at Britain’s Got talent. I do love to cry. I’ll cry at the drop of a hat. I’ll cry at your basic television programme, let alone a weepie.But not big, heavy serious crying. I haven’t done that for a while, which is a relief.More like a little welling up of joy”.

This afternoon, I had a (little) , heavy ,serious weep today in Kew Gardens at the spot where Rosie and I fell in love with our favoured Henry Moore sculpture ,’Mother and Child’ ..the one with the little heads, that was positioned in front of the palmhouse.We loved the nobblyness and the naive beauty of it.

A little penicillan never did anyone any harm

Yes Georgina, of course I’ll keep you a copy .As for Rosie and the artichokes…I always kept a few ‘posh’ jars in – you know the sort -the expensive anchovies ,mini peppers stuffed with feta ,that sort of thing .Well I’d go to open them ( for a treat ) and Rosie would have taken one ,replaced the lid and so now the contents were covered with a nice, thick ,green layer of mould . Nothing that a little scraping and arranging on a fancy decorative plate, before serving to my guests , wouldn’t put right.

I remember when I was a student living in Cobnar Gardens. One day I was hennaing my hair ( all the rage in the 70’s ), it was the good stuff , green,thick and smelly and had come direct from Istanbul .I mixed it with tea, slapped it on my head , then covered the whole thing in bacofoil – rather an attractive look I thought . Unexpectedly a friend popped in ,so I made him a cup of tea . As I carried his mug through ,a big glob on henna dropped in his drink , so ( behind his back ) I put it down , gave it a stir ,and he was none the wiser .Rosie would have been so proud.

Jerusalem Artichokes are to be steamed and the fried in butter with lardons to make a warm salad – you’ll be pleased to know.

Fry,boil or roast ?

Steph,I’ll send you a copy next week and Adam , it was from a website called something like ‘goodoldfashionedfatfilledpuds’, sorry I can’t be more specific but I put the hot dish on the printed off recipe and it stuck to the bottom ( and probably enhanced the flavour ).

Have spent a lovely couple of days with Ma famille. Last night we went to our newly done-up local ,The Foresters , we had a good old Thai feast in the back , then coffee,chasers ,and a game of contract in the front .We even knew a member of the bar staff and 2 diners ( the bar staffs supportive Mother and Sister ).It was just like being in The Rovers Return and substituting Betty’s Hotpot for a Phad Khing Prik. Jacob won The Contract and the managers going to get some Campari and grapefruit in for our next visit. Then today we went up to the fabulous Hunterian Museum and saw a naff exhibition ‘Abnormal-Towards a Scientific Model of Disability'( but lots of picled testicles ) ,a stroll across Waterloo Bridge ,lunch at the BFI and then the Gerhard Richter at the Tate Mod – somewhat disappointing as I thought he discovered hurricanes, and I was looking forward to seeing the room shake . We are entertaining tomo night , so tonight I’m browsing my recipe books , while watching ‘4 in a bed’ .I bought some Jerusalem Artichokes so now I have to work out what to do with them .

We ignored the poppyseeds from the stale french stick I zapped into breadcrumbs

Last week ,I mentioned I was awaiting Waitrose’s Staff mag ,’The Chronicle’ .Well it came ,and I read it and I stared at the photos and I wept. The article entitled ‘The Art of Giving ‘is beautiful and we left it with Claire Douglas , the journalist to choose the photos. Rosie is so Rosie in the photo she chose – she’s holding her head and looking natural and lovely and a bit messy and sitting in front of her A’level Shirt piece..If anyone would like a copy of the article , just shout and I’ll get one to you.

I’ve just been on the east Coast Train website booking tickets . I am registered , do have a password and a couple of saved journeys , which for easy booking ,you give a name ..mine are imaginative – 1)Jacob 2) Florence. So imagine my horror when I log on to book , and find my saved journeys are now 1) Poo and 2) Wee .I think my 23 yr old bambino knows my password. The sad thing it made me laugh out loud .

Adam , Flo asked Grandmama what she suggested she made with some of your eggs- Queen of Puddings was her reply . So ,Flo made it and today we took it to Uplands to share . It was amazing – best pud we’ve all had in years – must be down to the freshness of the eggs. Please thank your Ma and Pa.

I wouldn’t mind being ‘The Bit’ though

Minnie Driver’s been on her educational soapbox .In last Sundays Times she wrote “we need to support art teachers and not see them as the floaty chiffon -wearing bit of the staffroom”.So that’s where I’ve been going wrong – the faded dungarees have gone straight to Oxfam and I’m off to Jacques Vert tomorrow.

The tarts in the freezer for next time

Thank Jesus for Islam. Today school was closed to celebrate Eid , and after a couple of Tequila Sunrises and a few white vinos I had last night , this morning I was fit for nothing except maybe porridge in front of the TV while watching last nights ‘Strictly’ .Then things got better ( apart from Chelsee retaining her place ), Florence and I went up to The Isis and even though we took our photo ,I’m leaving Jane and her gang to save our screen – couldn’t bear to look at myself while in bed- too dam scarey.We did a bit of shopping In Muji and lunch in Carluccios , then tonight it’s Lord Sugar on one side and the gorgeous Gareth on the other.

Back to last night- Congrats team…Izzy,Jacob and our team captain ,Holly., once again we nailed them in The Bowl Game. Commiserations to the losing ( too busy talking )team – Ryan,Adam ,Stu and Florence….next time we’re splitting you two up.

he was not a happy bunny

My precious baby is home safe and sound , my TV baby is top of the leader board and my big baby is awaiting a visit from Kevin McCloud …the building of the shed has started . Anyone passing 106 couldn’t have failed to notice the front garden full of John’s reclaimed ,recycled , beautiful wood. So he was none too pleased ,when he opened the door yesterday ,to find a handwritten post-it note stuck on it ,saying ” I can take away this rubbish for you..call Sanjay on ..

And you thought it was going to be a programme on ‘The Shed Channel’ *

I had an email from Claire , a journalist from Waitrose’s staff magazine ‘The Chronicle’. Tomorrow the piece she has written about Rosie and all of our fundraising activities, will be in .She’s sending us some copies, I feel quite nervous.

It probably sounds stupid , but I think a lot about crying . Sometimes people apologise for making me cry and I tell them don’t , my tears are just below the surface ( hence the reason I always carry a linen handkerchief ). for most of the time my tears stay put , I hold them in , but sometimes I just can’t . They are real tears of sadness , desperation, loss , yearning ? I’m not exactly sure what . But last night I cried comfortable tears . You know the tears that come from a film, an advert ,a TV prog .The sort of tears that come when people say ‘look at me , I cry at anything’- which to me is quite an enviable thing to be able to say cos it usually means ‘comfortable tears’…and the programme that did it for me was ‘Educating Essex’. Ryan’s speech at the leavers assembly was pure unadulterated joy. I could have hugged him although having Asperger’s Syndrome ,it would have been the last thing he would have wanted .

Going walking in Rosie’s woods today

( * It does exist and John loves it )

Basil, eat your heart out

Had lunch out at ‘The Restaurant in the Park’ ( NOT to be confused with the swanky ‘Inn on the Park’ ) with four of my compassionate friends. The restaurant is a training ground for the ( new ) students at Merton College . What a hoot .The napkins were ceremoniously laid on our laps, virtually before we sat down, orders taken , drinks arrived ( for wrong table), drinks removed, order re-taken ( by someone else ) .I lost times of how many times the cutlery was taken and put back and then there was the debacle of the soup spoons.Four given out ,even though only one of us was having soup. We tried to explain ,but our young waitress was having none of it …..then we discovered she thought risotto was a type of soup. Their supervisor asked if we’d had our bread rolls, we had , but with our desert. Then 4 of us ordered coffee, Judy asked for tea. She thought it smelled odd – could have had something to do with the tea bags being put in a pot of coffee. BUT, I’m really not a MOB, the food was fab, the company was lovely and the students were a joy . Where else can you get a bottle of Rioja for £11 and 3 courses of home cooked food ( albeit the dish you ordered ) and a cuppa for £10 ?

I didn’t dare ask what they washed it down with

I don’t know if they got those , but Jacob texted to say they’d had a Scottish breakfast , with square sausages ,even they couldn’t face ‘the deep fried pizza ‘ option.

Sadly Edward and Bella , you only lasted 5 days saving our screen , you have been gazumped by the youngest and most beautiful trio , Luca,Ruby and Evan , average age two and a half ( plus Jane and Lucy – average age 40 )ever to perch on the plinth of The Isis, through which Rosie’s spirit , and her love of London , lives on .

Thank you to everyone who visits it , and thinks of her.

Lorna , is it better than ‘4 in a bed ‘?

It warms the cockles of my heart to see that little sunshine icon on tomorrows Glasgow weather forecast. Jacob is staying with Florence for a couple of nights .Hope they get their haggis , neaps and tatties, chased down with a pint of heavy . .

Geoffrey’s baby Sister

If I haven’t turned the computer off when I get into bed,I now drift off looking at Edward and Bella Stevens. Today they send me a photo of them at the Isis. Mind you it was like something out of The Da Vinci Code ( not their photo, but access to it )…..first a text , then a website ,then a code – all very exciting , I didn’t know what I was getting, so a lovely surprise- and now they have replaced Elena and Florence as our screensaverSpookily ,I had been walking in Richmond Park ,with their Auntie Mary ,early this morning . We witnessed plenty of rutting …and then the cyclists came out the bushes,adjusted their lycra and joined us for a frothy coffee

This afternoon ,I visited Auntie Grace in her old folks home. I’m not entirely convinced she knew exactly who I was , but I kept on yapping , and she appeared interested ,especially when I showed her my sports injury.Then I realised she’d nodded off ( and called security ).

We are dining with Terri and Paul tonight. It lifts my spirits when people ask us to do something , because being excluded along with the isolation and loneliness of grief can really get me down. I cannot always predict how I am going to feel or what I’m able to cope with ,so all I ask is that you stick with us, keep asking us to do stuff ,and even though it might have been a bridge too far in the past,I /things/ we/ our mood / our coping mechanisms change second by second.

she’s only been qualified for 6 years

By making ourselves look very small and inconspicuous, none of us had to go on stage BUT John was invited to toss his pink furry die into a bucket and give it a good shake while the guy on stage sang a show tune.

Went for a scan on my painful ankles today. The sonographer showed me the image on the screen and told me the news wasn’t good ( for one scary minute I thought she was going to say I was expecting twins ) .She was quite proud to reveal ‘it was the worst case of Achilles Tendonitis ,she had ever seen ‘ .I guess that’s the price one has to pay for being a finely tuned athlete .

Not at all

I would never have recognised him .He was amazing .. menacing and pure evil ,and by God he can belt out a tune,not even a show one ,but a Stephen Sondheim jerky one (and I’m not talking about Jacob entertaining Grandma after lunch.) but Michael Ball. Imelda was fabulous too , previously I’ve seen in her as Dorothy in The wizard of Oz and in Guys and dolls, but in this production of Sweeney Todd ,she shone. Go , treat yourselves, it is a brilliant show. I hate to be thick, but is it based on a true story?

We’re getting up close at Conjuring at the Court tonight, but not so close we’re invited up on stage ….as it could get messy.

How camp can he make old Sweeney ?

Does lightweight include walking , talking ,picnicking in the most beautiful surroundings that is Winkworth Arboretum, watching 4 in a bed ( a poor substitute for Coach Trip ), catching up with Junior Apprentice and then reading The Meningitis Research Charity’s quarterly journal ?

Today I’m catching up with my old chums, Michael Ball and Imelda Staunton down in Chichester. Actually its a train trip down there, lunch out and then the matinee of ‘Sweeney Todd-The Demon Barber of Fleet Street’ – the musical . Then a stop off at M&S for our scooby snacks for the way back.

It’s not easy being 90

First day of half term and today’s plans went tits up .Poor old Grandma phoned me at 4.20 ,this morning , she was in a bit of a dither and not feeling too good. So I cancelled my place on this mornings ‘ Child loss Support Group’ at the Child Bereavement Charity , which selfishly ,was a bit of a shame cos I felt I needed it and also an afternoon visit to Auntie Grace ( my Dad’s sister )at her old folks home in Beaconsfield. Instead I hotfooted it over to Uplands .Grandmama has settled down , but kept asking when I’m taking her home. It breaks the good side of my broken heart. So to cheer myself up ,I’m going to see ‘We need to talk about Kevin ‘ tonight- I loved the book.

I told you Chelsee was brilliant.She definitely is my favourite

Went to see an amazing ( but, sadly, not a patch on ‘Salmon’ ) film ,’Drive’ last night .Not much dialogue ,plenty of blood ,high-speed car chases and a lead actor who might even have usurped Phil ( as in Kirsty and…) in my top ten easy to watch list …Spencer from Balamory is coming in a close third.

We’re just off to Soupy now …I expect to complete my list when we come home ,thats after 1) run to the toilet ( not one there ) 2) I pour myself a large rum and 3) bed in for The Strictly results 4) pour anothe rum

Chop chop

Joe Cummins first told me about it, then Florence went to the second one .Both loved them .So yesterday , I took myself off to the 4th one .I thought it was absolutely amazing ….beautiful,awe- inspiring ,happy,sad. I could have spent hours in there. I’m talking about ‘the Museum of Everything’ .If you are in London,get there quickly as it ends on the 25th.

It doesn’t get easier

34months and the 34th set of beautiful photos – Thanks Bert .

How Rosie would ‘Phahh’ to think she’d be on the internet ,photographed coming out of the sea , in San Clemente-California, in 2007 ,wearing her turquoise bikini. The next photo was taken on a BA plane ( how the other passengers loved us ), flying from Dar es Salaam to Heathrow. Don’t you just love Tim’s hat ?

But ,the third photo, I find very hard to look at .Rosie has her fringe …and that is how I see my precious girl.

Stuff

A quick question- What do you do if you are in bed in your old folks home ,you want to get out of bed , but no-ones answering your call bell ?

1. Shout 2.Wet your pants 3.Cry. 4. Reach for your phone and dial 999

I think we all know which one Grandma did , luckily her fingers aren’t too nimble , so even they ”didn’t bother answering ”- quote !

I used to think ‘Edelweiss’ was emotional……

Yesterday some of us did some ceramics training – throwing a pot ( in my case ,mashed up ,giant polo mint ) ,on the wheel . Today we watched in back on video .To get us in the mood ,I sought music from the God who is Youtube, I typed in ‘Unchained Melody’, clicked ‘play’ and sat back in my best Demi Moore pose. No-one ever told me Lykke Li did a version of that song .

Ju – get a Teasmaid ?

Jane’s words of wisdom…

“you can be Captain Von Trapp/The Baroness/all the Von Trapp children……I’ll be Maria”

said to me ,around 1966, when we woke up in the night and couldn’t get back to sleep , so decided to sing.

” how do you cut a tomato for a salad?”

said around 1991 to girls she was interviewing for a job as her personal assistant on The Independent Living Scheme, ( The correct answer is …anyway I ask you to cut it .Wrong answer – ‘like a waterlily’ )

” you can have the crusts”

said to Steph, around 1968, when lying ill(?) in Steph’s bed and Mrs M. bought her up a huge plate of buttered toast ,and Steph , asked for just one small slice.

” they all look like they’ve got a heart condition”

said to me ( in a very loud voice ) as the doors opened ,for the third time,to a packed lift in Libertys.

My sister Jane

Shifted wood and thought a lot about Jane who was born 59years ago today .She died in 2001 .

I know ,like Rosie and I , Jane would have loved Strictly.

Last nights show was stu pen dous ( as CRH would say )

Of course last night I pressed that button.

I’ve just cast my vote for Chelsee – don’t you just love her ? I want her energy and her joie de vivre and her restraint- for not sticking one on Brucie and Tess for being so patronising to her just because a) she’s the youngest one in the competition and b) as she has a hint of a lisp. Although I love it, ‘Strictly’ is ,and always will be hard for me to watch because ( as I’ve mentioned a thousand times ) the last programme I ever watched with Rosie.

Today I walked and talked and picnic’ d on the banks of the beautiful River Thames between Cookham and Marlow .The sun shone and the cows left us alone.

I wrote paragraph one on Thursday and so it sortof doesn’t make sense.

I’m glad Julia and Lorna are glued to the set ,but last night – us Dwyers went to serious lengths to avoid being drawn to CCT. Florence went to see Thomas Shickle’s band ,Spector, play at Nice n Sleazy’s Club in Glasgow ( Happy …esp as the band was fab and White Russians were only £2 ). Jacob went to a philosophy lecture ( drastic ).I went to Carluccios for supper and then to see ‘Girls Down Under’ ( indulgent )wth my pal Jane and John stayed in played with his Acer ( sad ).

Tonight I’m going to see ‘You’re a good man Charlie Brown ‘ ( no connection with Geoffrey or Joan ) with a different Jane . But coming home after a couple of sherberts ,I can’t guarantee I won’t press that ‘Channel 4 view again’button . That dreadful John McCririck and The Long Suffering Booby’s on it now

Huge thanks

Oh Julia , that really is lovely .We are very moved .Please thank your colleague and tell him that Rosie had many a happy time playing in Canon Hill Park , with both her Brummy cousins and your 2 boys ,Daniel and Rory- I especially remember us all going to the reptile house , was it there we tried to do a cartwheel ( failed obviously ) – such happy days ?

Therapy

I’m trying , I’m really trying hard to stick with it . I know its good for me. I know it helps me sleep at night , I know it takes my brain to a ‘safe place’, I know it gives me a focus to my evening , I know Rosie would have approved, but honestly ,I’m struggling …..celebrity Coach trip really is the pits .They’re not celebs ( Jordan’s make-up artist ? ) , they’re not nice and apart from Brendan , they are so dull.

I think I’ve told you this before

Does anyone listen to Confessions ,on Simon Mayo’s radio 2, Drivetime programme ? I love it ,especially the judgement of the collective .Well today’s story really reminded me of Rosie and the mystery of the missing party photos …….About 3 years ago , one Friday evening Richard and Sarah came to supper. John had promised Richard he’d be ‘The Official – I won’t leave anybody out-Photographer’ for Richards 50th Birthday party back in April ,and this particular night he was going to show R&S the photos. When John came to show them , they had all gone- poof , there was nothing of Richards do on the camera – no cake,no speeches ,no dancing, no Tim lifting Rosie up BUT interestingly there were 3 photos …all of Izzy P. in Rosie’s bedroom ! We were furious. Well Rosie rolled in at about 1am ,and when questioned about the deleted photos , instantly denied it .Then we showed her the 3 photos of Izzy, thus proving the she was the last one to use the camera , and Rosie confidently said ‘Oh Flo deleted them’- she didn’t !

No one likes to think they’re forgotton do they ?

I had a lovely text from Katie ,in Manchester ,today .She told me what she was up to and then said” I was showing one of my new room mates Rosie’s website the other day .Yesterday she told me she’s using one of Rosie’s pieces in her textiles class as a reference to their ‘new and inspirational artist’ task “.

I was very moved . I know it is 145 weeks since I said goodbye to Rosie, but it never fails to move me when people text ,email or write to show their love and support , for both us and Rosie. I love her so very much.

We left them to clear up the mess

Thank you to Judy and Hazel for a lovely company/coffee/walk/lunch/more coffee. Thank you to Claire and Bob for lovely company/drinks/nibbles/Indian feast/ice-cream/coffee/chocolate/Amaratto. and lastly thank-you to Dylan for letting us share in the disembowelling of his new penguin.

Anyone got Childlines number?

It was Grandmama’s ‘Special Day’ today .Once a month every Uplands resident gets one .So Ma and I supped pre-lunch G&T’s , then dined on Chinese takeaway ( The G’s second favourite after Thai ) with Priscilla , the Housekeeper ( thank God Grandma hasn’t heard of the film Priscilla ,Queen of the Desert , or the Tragedy of the Cliff, joke , would have been usurped ). Then lucky old Grandma had a footspa treatment and a massage …she used to hate having her feet touched, so I kept trying to sneak my dainty size 3’s into the footspa- until she hit me with her pick-up stick.

It’s in – we thank you

Our love for Rosie has enabled me to put £2,421.50 (plus £605.38 gift aid) into Rosie’s charity.

I hope her warmth,vitality and soul continue to shine through the children of The Southend Academy.

And I failed both

Lorna, I think Lavinia’s paper dress and Penelopes wig, would look far better on Tess and Brucie. Her dresses look like something I made in first year home economics and his toupe looks like something I dissected in second year biology.

Nanny

John and I went up to Brum yesterday for his Mum, Mary’s birthday lunch .She is amazingly fit considering all the intrusive surgey she has this year .It was a lovely do.

Returned for Downton Abbey , but I’m having big problems with Penelope Wilton’s wig.

Love

I know this was sung as a love song from a man to a woman, but I heard it on the radio this morning and it punched me right in my gash ( occasionally people ask about my grief , and I describe it as a gash in my chest that I live with. I cover it up well , but a sight ,a sound, a word, a smell, a taste ,a song will be like a direct punch into my wound ). When I heard this , I instinctively new it was from me to Rosie.

To lead a better life I need my love to be here…

Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there’s something there

There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
Someone is speaking but she doesn’t know he’s there

I want her everywhere and if she’s beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I’m always there

I want her everywhere and if she’s beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I’m always there

I will be there and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere

My lamb kebabs are marinating as I speak

I know everyone in London is probably saying the same thing …but ” phew what a scorcher”. So where do Fiona and I go on the hottest October day since 1527 ? The Water lily House in Kew Gardens. Apart from nearly falling into the pond and ruining the whole display ( and 16 Japanese tourists photographs ) due to heatstroke, we had a lovely time , walking, talking and looking at beautiful things. We were going to go to The persian Palace with kay and Winston ,for supper tonight.But it’s too lovely and warm and dusky, so we are BBQing in the back garden instead.

It doesn’t have to be blue, it could be the pink,red or black one

Apart from the guy eating the light bulb, the 4 Conjurers at the Court ,were brilliant last night .There were quite a few Penn and Teller moments, a couple of duff Paul Daniel’s ones, and luckily no Seigfried and Roy being mauled by a Bengali white tiger,ones. Magic, is high up there on my top ten positive distraction therapy ,list.

When we were in France, my new BF gave me a book to read. You’ll be surprised to know it wasn’t her new one ‘The World according to Joan’ – Collins that is , not Brown ( That would be have a bacon sandwich and instant cappuccino ,in bed. G&T with lunch,listen to LBC, phone Rachel to ask where her blue cardigan is, another cappuccino, more LBC , and bed …and another cappuccino ) but ‘The Girl with the Dragon tattoo’. I read it , enjoyed it , then read the next one ‘The Girl Who Played with Fire’ ….it was OK , I found it all a bit muddly in the middle. So the big question is , and I really would like answers , is should I bother reading ‘The Girl who Kicked The Hornets nest’???

We’re nearly there

I’m just waiting for 3 payments ,then I can donate the money to Rosie’s Charity .

I promised myself I wouldn’t name and shame ….but Jacob, when you get home ,get your cheque book out.

Phew !

You know I said Jacob was travelling overnight on a train from Vienna to Venice- well he nearly wasn’t .About 10mins ago he texted with all his email details , for one of us to text back with his 18 digit Austrian railways reference number. Now I know it was important ,but I was in the middle of eating my Singapore noodles ,while watching ‘Coach Trip’ in Poland. Luckily for him ,John couldn’t bear the thought of Jakey being evicted ( Just like Coach trip , he was fighting to keep his place on the journey), so John put Brendan on hold, logged onto Hotmail and texted Jacob 3 different 18 digit numbers he found on the email/microwave/digital radio- better safe than sorry.

Jacob has just texted , he’s still on the train.

For the award, not a wedding ?

You know I believe we are all somewhere on the Autistic spectrum. Well to add to all my isms- wiping the work surfaces ( even when they are clean ) , writing my diary EVERY night (even if I am super pooped), removing things off surfaces and putting them away ( so know one knows where the hell they are- this one makes me very unpopular)…I now google the Glasgow weather forecast everyday – and Flo you’ll be glad to know you can give the souwester a rest as it’s going to be in the roaring twenties this week.

Meanwhile ,while Flo rejuvenates herself with a deep fried Mars Bar , Jacob is basking in the sun on a pontoon in The Danube ( not to be confused with The Brent ) .He’s in Austria staying with a friend and then travelling overnight,by train ,to Venice where his film ,Wires , is being screened at The Venice Bienale.Im very proud , it was shown at the Baftas ,last week. Should I get a hat ?

*But I do have 3 huge ,floating, bloated dead slugs

The reason we went walking in The Chilterns, was because I went to take photos of Andy and Ali’s ponderosa, as they were joint highest bidders for my artistic offering at Rosie’s Auction. I took loads of photos of their beautiful house and garden ( I’m so jealous 5 fish in their pond and not a sign of blanket-weed*). But today when I got them developed, I noticed a little elf like figure peeping over the fence. At first I thought it may have been a sort of Turin Shroud type symbolic image, until I realised it was Robin Gibb, their next door neighbour.

I think I’ve got night fever…

For Siobhan,Jane and Rosie

I know Dec, its all wrong . It just doesn’t make sense . Why Rosie and Jane died goes round and round it my head. I try to make sense of it , but can’t .I get cross ,because I feel they were cheated and I get sad because I want them so much . I always go back to the statement a friend of mine, whose son died aged 19 ,said ” Rachel,there is no logic in this world” …and she is right.

So ,Dec, like you , I get out there and walk .Yesterday John and I went into the Chilterns, this morning I sacrificed watching the rugby ( too much Johnny shouting ) and met my friend Mary and her dog Paddy in Richmond park , and then tomorrow ,we are going to Kew gardens .Walking , in beautiful surroundings , is a positive way for me to try and get my head in order . So too are games , so tonight its dins at Mandy and Chris’s and then a good thrashing at contract whist.

My English teacher ,Miss Vincent, at High school crucified all the books we had to read – consequently ,I never bothered finishing them , loathed the subject and scraped an English Lit O’ Level just by reading Cole’s Notes! I know bark on about him , but I really like the simplicity and poignancy of the words of Michael Rosen .For me, this is a very beautiful and moving poem

The silence lasts forever

It is as quiet in the second it ended

as it is years later.

Quieter than a painting

There is nothing as quiet as this.

It is as quiet as nothing.

Book titles we know and love

Jacob and I treated Grandma to jerk chicken , peas and rice and fried plantain for supper . We held fire on the chilli sauce- a bridge too far when your 90 and your stomachs a bit dodgy ( Grandma’s not Jacobs). Before dining we phoned Florence , Grandma was thrilled to hear ”she’s on the gin ”, where in fact Flo said she’s joined the gym . Then I asked Grandma which carer was on duty ,to which she replied ‘The tragedy of the cliff”

To make any sense of that …scroll back to last Thursdays blog entry ‘The old ones are the best’

33 long months

Ah Bert, I love the dripping candles and as for Rosie’s Collage, it never ceases to amaze me what a beautiful ,collaborative piece it is . John has hung it in our middle room downstairs ,so everyday I can see her and she can watch me.

Winter draws on

There must be a problem with all the Scottish/English phone masts .I haven’t heard from Florence, not even a little text telling me none of them could shut their windows and it was chilly up there or they’d been partying since Saturday .I guess I’ll have to rely on the snatches of Offyourfacebook ,Jacob lets me peep at.

PS Florence if you do read this ,Nikki recommends an electric blanket

Friday night was lovely too

When Jacob,Rosie and Florence were little ,we used to drive to Spain ( overnight ,and armed with red bulls and hobnobs ). Driving there and back to Glasgow was about the same distance and it was fine . John shouted a lot when the rugby was on , and I kept asking when the next loo/coffee stop was and Florence snoozed on the way up there and we missed her on the way back . But, everything seemed grand ,her flatlet,her flatlet sharers , our cool hotel , a lovely dins ,the city , the mood lights in the shower , the haggis ,neaps and tatties, a pint of heavy,men in kilts…the list goes on .Of course I’ll miss having Florence in the house , but it all seems good and positive and I know at 18 I couldn’t wait to leave home.I won’t write this again, but I send her all the love in the world.

Up at 5 tomo, but looking forward to the deep fried Pizza

Tonight we are having a cultural blast – going to see The premier of Jacob’s film ‘Wires’ at the National Film Institute and then hotfooting it around the corner to the Young Vic, to see Street Scene ( booked before we knew about the grand viewing and the mega road trip ) cos tomorrow …..

“O ye’ll tak’ the high road, and Ah’ll tak’ the low (road) And Ah’ll be in Scotlan’ afore ye Fir me an’ my true love will ne-er meet again On the bonnie, bonnie banks o’ Loch Lomon’.’

….We are heading across the border to Scotland as Florence is starting a 3 year degree in Vis Com at Glasgow School of Art .

I am very very proud of my little team of creatives.

The old ones are the best

Jacob,Flo and I went to see Grandmama today. We all walked/wheeled over to the Rookery for lunch. Grandma was full of her trip to Kings College Hospital yesterday .She went to fracture clinic and was seen by her Orthapaedic Surgeon .She was pleased as he told her what a good job he’d done, he signed her off and said she could attempt to stand on it again – not easy when she can’t even move or bend her left leg. Anyway ,when asked which Uplands Carer took her , she replied ‘Eileen Dover’. She’s still got it ….just !

Why I write ..all he says and for Rosie too.

Well John and Bob are back , and so are Jacob and Florence , although it took them a little over two and a quarter hours.It’s lovely to have the house buzzing ( and messy ) again.

I have mentioned Michael Rosen before, I think he writes brilliantly.His son Ed ,died suddenly and tragically,aged 19 of meningitis.If you ever want to read a short book on grief ,read ‘The Sad Book’..it is so true.Well he has just written the foreword for a new book ‘Aspects of Loss- A companion in bereavement’ by Gill Hartley,whose son ,Will died , aged 22. When I read Michael’s words ,it sort of made sense as to why I write this blog……and I quote

“I don’t think we know for certain why or how writing about loss or bereavement seems to help us and I’m going to have a go at it here.When we write, we do something slowly and deliberately, choosing words and phrases that matter. Things seems to make us lay things out in an order.We give the mass of feelings whirling around in our heads some kind of shape. It’s a way of sorting, and sorting figures largely in the way we humans survive and progress. People who can’t and don’t sort are people who find it quite difficult to cope with everyday things.So that part of writing which seems to be about sorting, is a way of helping us cope with these deeply sad things.

Then there’s the matter of taking things out of yourself and putting them on a page in front of you look at what you’ve written is a way of appraising who you are and what you’re about.You find yourself asking questions; am I really like that? Do I really think those things? Am I really that unhappy?

After all, there are times when those of us who’ve had this particular part of bereavement feel that we aren’t really part of this world-and in the end we all lose someone; we are all left by someone at some time.we thought for a moment that it was only us who had this happen to them ;it was only me who felt this bad.true, but not true!

So I wish this book and all who sail in her ,the best of lives. Or, as people say in the Jewish tradition,’long life!’.

When I read about somebody elses tragedy ,my mask slips a bit

I read an article in the family section of the paper today.It was the horrific, tragic story of Usman Javed ,whose wife and daughter died in a botched delivery. He was quoted as saying ‘time is the worst healer’.I think about this statement a lot and it makes me quite upset when people say it ( but with the word ‘best’ ,instead of ‘worst’ ) .I think ,the person that says it ,feels fine now ,which is understandable. In the months after Rosie died , many people said ‘I think of her/you every day’ .They don’t say that now. I imagine, to them ,Rosie dying, was a shock ,a sadness , and for a while it may have effected their day to day living , but it probably doesn’t effect them now .Of course I might be wrong.

But for me ,time doesn’t heal. I am still in shock and have many lucid moments when I think that this cannot be true. She is so strong,happy,vibrant and well , I must have had a bad dream .But sadly not..It kills me that I cannot hold,touch,kiss,talk,laugh,argue,sit,walk,watch,bicker,dance with her. I will always think, crave ,yearn and love her and even though I have Jacob, Florence and John who I love desperately, I will always have a broken heart.

We’ll probably be the oldest ones in the cinema

Sort of a sad old day . After having a telephone interview with Waitrose – it wasn’t for a job on the checkouts ,but for an article they are going to run on Rosie , in their staff magazine ‘Chronicle’. It will come under the section ‘achievements’, John and I set to …….Autumn cleaning .It’s sad cos when you’re sad ,everything takes much longer , but its uber sad cos you keep finding Rosie ..in writing , in books, in photos , in bedsheets,in sketchbooks ,in games ,in greeting cards etc.My craving for her is overwhelming .I love and want her so very very very much .

So as a complete distraction ,we are going to see The Inbetweeners,tonight.

Anthems Contd.

Jacob has megabused off to Newcastle,Florence has greenbused to IOW and we are walking to The Soupy Social. If there aren’t enough chocolate biscuits, I predict a riot.

To be recommended.

Today I skipped into work , having had an amazing day yesterday .I can’t say too much about it ,in case you want to do it ,but ‘Accomplice’ is a hoot .Its all very cloak and dagger. The day before , we were phoned with the top-secret rendezvous point ( the square bench opp the cloakroom in Tate Mod – there you go that’s all I’m telling you ).From there the murder mystery treasure hunt thing which involved a heist, cryptic maps , a priest, a prostitute with Tourettes, an innkeeper with OCD, a dungeon, a tied up blindfolded man in a cellar ( who we sang songs from the musicals to- well if you’ve got a captive audience….. ), a secret cave in an Inn, code-breaking, problem solving , seeing in the dark ,beers ,a toilet stop, dry ice, being shot at , diving for cover,shooting at people through a 2 way mirror, jugs of pimms,began.The afternoon ended with a huge stifado at a Greek restaurant .

You watch it -Tankerton , the new Cleethorpes

Did the most fabulous walk yesterday .From Herne bay , which is a bit of a dump , but just turn your eyes to the sea and avoid looking at the monstrosity of a pier ( although its not quite as bad as the one at Walton on The Naze which is orange ), keep the sea on your right and walk round the headland and onwards to Whitstable.Apart from being knocked down by mobility scooters it was safe and flat.The seascape was beautiful was ,especially Tankerton , with its ‘picture postcard,half the price of Southwold’ beach huts. We had a snooze, had a paddle and then sundowners at the old Neptune pub right on the beach.

Then its a weekend of culture- South Pacific tonight . Then tomorrow a coded message tells Fiona, Mandy and I where to meet in a secret London location for our undercover investigation , that is known as ‘Accomplice’.I’ll be wearing a red carnation …and maybe something else ( depends how hot it is ).

There are 36 eggs in a tray – part III

This is the official item from Sally in NZ- should prove popular with all you naturists . I suggest you start saving for your airfare or get a job for BA – you know you’d look good in that uniform ( it’s more flattering than red Virgin one )…….

”I’d love to offer a week at our beach cottage on the Coromandel Penninsula, along with being driven to the door and a guided tour to our ‘secret’ beach where absolutely nobody goes. Maybe somebody is thinking about coming this way and I can promise a few days at this place is very restoring. Cottage sleeps 6 – 8 .”

There are 36 eggs in a tray -Part II

24 – A mystery Bag delivered to your door ( she promises it is NOT the brown squidgey thing deposited in the swimming pool she was life-guarding in yesterday ) – Nikki Burland .

25.The ultimate chocolate brownie – enough to feed a small army -Natalie Clarke.

26.A hearty meal for 4- a beef casserole or shepherds pie, delivered to your door – Michael Clarke.

27. Write your CV , one to one consultation and advice ,by an expert-Kate Morgan.

and finally……

28. A guided tour around London, the city that Rosie loved, ending with drinks and food in a hostelry with your tour guide- Sarah Clarke.

Last night was fantastic .Thank you to everyone for their huge generosity and to Richard for being such a maginificent auctioneer, to Andy for telling us about the work of Ace and The Southend Academy and to Claire and Bob for lifting,carrying,helping get things ready and for doing the BBQ.

We ate, drank, laughed ,cried ( that’s probably just me ) ,bidded ( not bedded ) and danced til 1am.

Rosie would have been proud

PS – John and I will sit down together at the weekend and type up who got what and then email the satisfied customers .

Happy Birthday to Johnnie- 55 today xxxxx

There are 36 eggs in a tray…..

To be auctioned…

1. A vegetable Planter – Roy Harvey

2. A delicious chocolate cake – The Maynards

3. A conga lesson (get a group together!?) – Winston Reece

4. Two handmade bowls – Lorna Kyle

5. A bread making lesson (up to 3 people) – Sally Pickles

6. 1 tray of fresh eggs from Adam Watsons family farm in Norfolk

7. Another tray of fresh eggs from Adam Watsons farm

8. A chauffeured picnic to Kew Gardens for two – free entry and a nice afternoon picnic – Izzy Pickles

9. A selection of homemade cupcakes – Kate J

10. 3x 1hour Italian lessons for beginners ( individual or small group) – Laura Schaleppi

11. A framed and mounted painting of a house or garden (yours, a friends?) – Rachel Dwyer

12. A planter of flowers for your garden – Ali and Andy

13. A dinner party for 8 – Gill and Anna

14. A one hour professional career coaching session (on your own or as a group) – Caroline Darkins

15. A sewing lesson – Kim Manino

16. Graphic design work for business cards/invites/bookmaking etc. Whatever you fancy! – Laura Gordon

17. An ‘Empty’ book – Florence Dwyer

18. A selection of Pauls Boutique wear (you choose – jumpers, purses, handbags) – Kim Manino

19. A full day of topless gardening! – Alex Jukes and Leo Gizzi

20. A meal for 6 with table service and entertainment, brought to your home – Nikki, Rachel Davenport and whoever else

21. Experimental portrait photoshoot – Jacob Dwyer

22. A luxury hamper – Holly, Ryan and Stu

23. An astrological chart drawn based on recipients place and exact time of birth. Together with a detailed description of their character. Secondly a cheesecake to come to terms with any distressing results from above – Ian Stewart

Blog bids accepted

Tomorrow we are having a little local fundraising BBQ and auction of promises , for Rosie’s charity. So please let it be dry ( the weather not the event ) and hopefully there won’t be a rush on for ‘the aerobic work-out while singing lesson’, I am putting up for grabs.

One day i will go to an observatory and see the actual one.

Why is it when I go on someone else’s computer ,I go all to pot ,miss out words and forget capitals altogether -sorry?

Well we are home from Walberswick and we had a fabulous week.The cottage was lovely ,we could see the sea from our bedroom and all the locals cycling past, from our sitting room.We did loads .I did my pre-breakfast, freeze your bits off , swim in the sea everyday ( looking rather like Victoria Wood in that sketch where she swims the channel ).We had sundowners at the beach hut , BBQ on the beach, caught crabs, had a monopoly night in the summerhouse with Caroline and Mathew, ate and drank too much, did 2 fabulous walks ,the Aldeburgh loop, which ended with fish and chips on the beach and the Dunwich loop , which became the Dunwich line ….an extended walk in the wrong direction, in the pouring rain ,ignoring Jacob who was the only one to realise which way we should have been going, which ended in a row, me in tears and us wet through to our knickers ( due to the rain , not the emotion ).

Sally , the stars were so bright , we looked up ,picked out the prettiest and most twinkly one and decided that had to be Rosie’s.

Walberswick & Rosie’s website

I know its sad when you feel the need to go on a PC on hols …but I wanted to check my emails …so I’m sitting at carolines table on her computer ,having just followed richard curtis up the road ,listening to him planning his next blockbuster ,while speaking very loudly ( and poshly)0 on his mobile phone.

Anyway just a couple of things .1. Bert has refreshed and spookily and beautifully put on the photo of Rosie,Florence and I on Southwold pier-where we have walked to twice this week.2.please look on ‘latest news from kenya’ as bert has added Augustines letter and some photos of an art exhibition at the Southend academy. 3. Flo has won the crabbing and the monopoly,me the boules, Jacob ,the contract and John has cycled miles and miles.4.Matthew,Caroline have swum every morning and ..this place is still as beautiful as ever and is filled with happy happy memories of jane and Rosie.

Off to The mystical East – Suffolk

Declan ,your comments were beautiful ,made me cry , but the tears didn’t stop me printing them ,then finding the scissors and gluestick( not easy ), and sticking them in the back of my diary to cheer me up when I’m in a low spell.

We are off to catch crabs in Walberswick for a week.The rotting meat,lines,bikes and beer are packed.Bert and his family are also on their hols and so Rosie’s photos will not change on the 21st.But don’t forget her , we never do .

Steph ,your email made me LOL ,I hope you don’t mind me printing it

Dear Rachel,

Your blog reminded me of my o level results , I was on holiday with Judy Moutrie and her family , Ju Ju answered the call from the phone box I used to find out my results .

The answer was nothing, I had failed the lot , Mrs Moutrie opened a tin of plums (my favourite ) and said never mind !! eat these they will make you feel better , and they did

Needless to say no A levels !! .

I am sure you are so proud of Rosie

Love as always

Steph xx

I hope you all got better grades than mine

I think I’m becoming boringly cyclic ( as opposed to psychic ). Today the A level results came out .I’ve probably already bored you with the story of the day I got mine .I was working as a nanny for a French family, who were holidaying in Scotland.The results came in the post ( remember that ? ).I opened my envelope, they were c**p. I cried ,phoned my Mum ,who sympathetically said ‘I can’t talk now, I’m running a varicose vein clinic ‘ and put the phone down! The rest is history. As it happened it all turned out OK , I didn’t go to Bristol , but to Sheffield Poly, which I loved. In my own head ,that story used to make me laugh , but now when the A level results come out ,I just think of that phone call from a joyous Rosie .Then I start thinking ,why was she robbed of her life , why did I take our lives for granted , will I ever be with her again ?etc etc.The stupid,questioning list goes on and on.

So I keep keeping busy .Yesterday I spent with my lovely friend Paul .Jacob and I are taking lunch to The G today ,then I’m meeting a friend and going to see ‘Road show’ at the Menier Chocolate Factory ( I love that theatre ) tonight.

Declan – your comments made me LOL

On entering the pound shop ,I managed to sidestep Joan’s heavies-phew. Gassin,Ramatuelle, Milton Keynes, they are all the same to an international globe trotter like me. And as for that ‘z’ word,I’m sure I overheard heard it once in the all night grocers in West Ealing – could it be a type of stuffed courgette ?

Dining out tonight with my friends who have all had a child who died. I doubt if any of the other diners would guess what connects us all. We eat ,drink, talk ,laugh ( a lot ) and raise our glasses ( a lot ) to Angela, Danny Emma, Jenny, Laura, Rosie and Sean…and attempt to sort out the things that are bugging us at the moment. Sadly, we all ‘get’ each others pain.

3 out of 4 aint bad

We’re all off to the seaside. Florence is heading west on a coach to Newquay. I am heading east on a train to Whitstable ,Jacob is going east ( but not as far as me ) on a tube to Wapping (Ok I know its not officially the seaside, but there is a beach there ) and he is actually working .John has cycled north ..to Greenford.

We had brownies cos they’d sold out of Woopee Pies

As Rosie would put it ,it was ‘crazy cocks’ round at our place last night. After a fam brunch at Bills in Covent Garden , a dash to ‘Outsider tart’ , Chiswick for peanut butter,cookie dough ,white chocolate and cranberry birthday brownies ( cba to make a cake ,too much hedgerow fizz with our birthday brunch ), Nat armed with a bottle fizz and a huge bunch of flowers ,came to supper and when it was safe to do so( i.e. friends had arrived and Mojitos and jugs of Pimms were flowing )John and I left the BB house .We spent the evening with our dear friends Sarah and Richard.It is with great sadness I tell you Sarah’s lovely ,kind,funny ,pretty,Mum, Jose, died last Sunday

No sign of Stanley,although John did get a few admiring glances when he jumped in the pool wearing his cycling shorts.

The digestion of the scrabble dictionary did not pay off. Didn’t win a game of scrabble …draughts or even doms.John and I have just got back from a fabulous week in La Croix Valmer where we stayed with our lovely ,kind ,funny and gastronomique friends, Declan and Neal and Dottie their dog. We did loads of stuff, swam everyday, John cycled up mountains ( I didn’t ), we had drinks with Joan Collins and Percy – well actually they were in the same little bar as us in Gassin .They were having a quickie while they waited for their takeaway, we were having a drink after Dec had taken us to see the best view over St Tropez. The woman at the next table asked why we were staring at them- not so cool.We had dinner overlooking the sea, high up in a mediaeval village and in the back streets of St Tropez .John read his cycling manual and I read a book for the first time in 8months.When we weren’t walking, talking,gawping at big boats and people that had had face jobs ,relaxing,eating,drinking ,snoozing ,reading in the sun, I familiarised myself with an Ipad ( not to be confused with a Tena lady ).

Just a quickie ,terminal 5 awaits

At last a jumping shot. Elena and Florence are now saving our screen. So Georgina’s beautiful face next to Rosie’s plaque at The Isis has gone ( into a file – I save them all ) and now I wake up and switch onto E & F & a lady in a white jacket ( except she’s not jumping ) on my PC.

XYLOMA- now thats a good one !

The final of the Holy trinity ………. .It was Kings College and Mayday yesterday ,St Mary’s Paddington this morning .

Declan that Dottie story won’t wash , I know it was you. Can’t wait to see you . All these Grandma hospital appts has meant plenty of waiting around/inappropriate comments /naff ( and expensive ) coffee and ….time to digest my Scrabble Dictionary ….so beware . XXXX

Lots of bits

The lovely Steph is staying , She has just got back from Malaysia, having got the train there ( hope it wasn’t ‘East Coast’, we’re still waiting for our refund as they more than an hour late ).

Gill Hilton has done amazingly , raising around £1,800 for Rosie’s charity , by running The London Marathon . A HUGE thanks to a kind kind friend.

Today Steph , Flo,Robbie,Jacob and I picnic’d on the barge Jacob is working on. It is moored by St. Katharines Dock , so we had a birds eye view of Tower Bridge ,The Gherkin …and a pork pie.

We then strolled about 300yds west ,through Wapping for dins and drinkies at ‘The Town of Ramsgate’- an olde Dickensianee pub ,right on the river .We went gourmet with fried fishfinger butties and chips, whilst gazing at the big ships sailing past.

Read about the shark alert in St.Tropez.Declan ,take that JAWS oufit off now and stop scaring the locals.

The delights of Kings College Hospital tomorrow

3rd loads on

Yesterday , after a lovely night chez Clarkes, John and I got up at 5.30am to drive a 570 mile round trip to Newcastle to pick up 4 years worth of washing. Jacob keen to help , got in at 5.35am after cycling all over London on his Boris Bike , showing friends his old roller-blading haunts.He was like a little angel snoozing all the way up there.

He redeemed himself by driving all the way back.

Please go up to The Cottesloe to see it .Or ask me to show you the photos

Yesterday was sort of weird , but in a good way .I really had strong feelings that Rosie was with me . I loved the Thames Clipper.It ambled up the river to Tower Bridge ,and then wooosh,the old captain tweaked his throttle, and we were off. Unfortunately ,it was just at the moment I stood up to hold onto the railing,wave, take a photo and shout ‘hello sailor’ to Jacob , who was sitting on Lisa’s barge.Oh well at least I provided some entertainment for the American Tourists .I love it all around Canary Wharf , it is like being abroad.So much so we ordered a large carafe of chilled rose` and only used the Museum of Docklands for its toilet.Then we wooshed back along the Thames to London Bridge and went and saw the Miro exhibition at The Tate Mod. I loved his stuff, but it spooked me that a lot of his early stuff was paintings of where he lived in Mont-roig, Spain . As you know our last holiday with Rosie was to Barcelona and then to a campsite …’Playa de Mont-roig. We had lunch on our first day in the village of Mont-roig ( we had to as we were lost and John and I were having a huge barney over my map-reading skills and my fear of him overtaking big trucks and being too close – so I needed a therapeutic San Miguel ).For me ,it felt good that I was looking a at beautiful paintings of a place the 5 of us had been to.

Then we went on to The Cottesloe to see the brilliant ‘London Road’. We bumped into Amy Gerlis ( Rosie’s friend from Drayton ) , who was there with her Mum and Dad. At the interval we were chatting with them on the balcony,I looked up and there was a piece of art on the wall,a painting made up of 12 individually painted squares to make a complete picture .It reminded me of our collaborative collage .It was of a garden scene. There was one word on it , painted over 2 adjoining squares .The word was ‘Rosie’

Yesterday at Uplands

Grandmama didn’t exactly endear herself to the lovely lady who came from The Lambeth Befriending Scheme, to interview her. The G asked her where she lived, Brixton was her reply, to which Grandma asked her ” have you ever been shot ?.”

Stephanie emailed me yesterday telling me about when their school did a production of ‘Alice’ .Jane got the part of The Cheshire Cat , and had to stand behind the curtains ( for hours ) with just her face sticking out, and loved it. Steph played A Tree….enough said !

We are off to The Docklands Museum today .Might spot Jacob who is working on renovating a barge on The Thames .Then we are going to see ‘London Road’ ….a happy little musical about The Ipswich prostitute murders.

DP’s greatest hits – a banker for the car

They did what they said on the box.

They were fab-u-lous. The poofs came out singing Dolly Parton’s ‘Nine to five’ , which Rosie, Flo and I used to belt out in the car , even though Islands in the Stream, was my favourite cos I couldn’t keep up with 9 to 5. They then went out to sing and dance for an hour .It was their ‘pre Edinburgh Fringe testing out their act session’ night in a small theatre ,above a pub in Chiswick.I spoke to Stephen afterwards ( the tall slim one with great legs ) and asked him who his favourite musical guests were on ‘Fri Night with JR ‘….Kylie ( who Flo and I saw) and Neil Diamond .Worst ever interview …Ian Wright. I can’t remember seeing that one , did anyone else ?

Schools out for summer

Yippee,we’ve just broken up But, I’m all sad as my bestess pal at work ,Steve ,left today …so to cheer ourselves up we’re going to see ‘Four poofs and a Piano’.

Watched 2 moving programmes last night back to back

The first was ‘Alex: A life fast forward’. A film about a vibrant,happy young man who was diagnosed with terminal bone cancer at the age of 17 . He lived life to the full,he was happy, energetic,funny and he had that wonderful attitude that manifested itself as if his glass was half full.He found love and at the age of 22 he married Ali. Five days later ,he died. He was truly inspirational. Of course it was very sad , yet also uplifting. Rosie died suddenly, no -one saw it coming, but she now is my inspiration.Life has to be positive, fullfilled and good.No-one likes a whinger ( is that how you spell it – it looks wrong ? ).

The second was ”Small Teen,Bigger World” a programme that follows the life of 16 year old Jasmine, who like her mother ,has restricted growth . She is 3’11” tall , an inch taller than her mother.My sister Jane was one inch taller than her. Like Alex, Jasmine too is inspirational. Her sister was interviewed and she told how although she was younger than Jasmine , she soon grew much taller than her and helped to protect her. My memories came flooding back…esp. the nightmare of being made to do ballet at Miss Kimber’s Saturday morning class ( I wanted to be in the woods with Jonathan Arno ) as Jane wanted to do it, so ma sent me with her .Jane was always in the front row, and Mum and dad were so embarrassed at the shows , when I would stand in the back,arms folded, sulking ( it didn’t help that Miss K made me wear a felt hat with plastic flowers sticking out the top ), while Jane curtseyed like crazy and grinned at the audience. But honestly i don’t resent a secong of it .I proud to say Jane was happy, outgoing and never bullied and her restricted height never stopped her doing anything ( except for getting the washing in ).

Last School Standing

Because I couldn’t bear to hear how the roads were so busy as all the schools have broken up (mine hasn’t , our last day is on wed ), and John didn’t want to hear what had happened in the Tour de France , we drove back from Brum listening to Cheesefest (although there’s only so much Celine Dion and The Carpenters you can listen to ) Radio and turned it off everytime the news came on. So to come back and electronically read about the deaths Amy Winehouse of all those young people in Oslo was quite a shock .My heart goes out to all their families.

I had been quite chipper and worked hard at not letting ‘my 3 years ago happy Barcelona memories of the 5 of us together’ overwhelm me…Jacob and Florence are home, and are both working today ,John and I did The Ealing Comedy festival last night, Grandma is safe and will be happy as she can sit out in the sun and Nanny is amazing .She has a good appetite is up and down those stairs like a Whippet and she even walked to and from the Co-op on her own yesterday ( from our house to The Foresters and back..ish ).Then all this sad sad news and because I don’t like sitting on my own ,I might have to watch ‘The Tour de France, even though I’m not allowed to speak, not even to say ‘whats a paleton?, he’s got a big baguette, the Alps look nice,do they take drugs – that’s inhuman etc etc’

Soupy tomorrow

Thank you Bert , a beautiful choice.

Thanks Amy for writing that .Yes it really was an amazing show.The space, the work , the people,the atmosphere.It was lovely for John and I to see Jacob,Rosie and Florence’s friends all there- it made it very special.

You have probably worked out ( become bored with ? ) that I think back a lot to what we were doing 3+ years ago .This week our trip to Barcelona has been going through my mind. I keep seeing Rosie in those denim shorts or that mustard skirt, or charity shop flowery top with her hair cut into a fringe and that half cocked lovely smile. So I was spooked yesterday ,the 21st, when I clicked onto Rosie’s website and saw that very image….. and Florence,Rosie and Jacob staring back at me. Bert had chosen the very photo ( taken at our first night in the tapas bar ) that was in my minds eye.

Florence has returned safe and sound from seeing Jarvis C. in Berlin .She loved it and him .

Silly really,it’s just a coincidence

Sometimes I think Rosie is telling me stuff. Last night, John and I went straight from work to a meeting for Ace.It is an amazing charity and like a lot of other charities is struggling for money, we listened to Mike,Sam and Jo talk and watched a video of the projects in Africa.It was very moving.They are trying to recruit ‘Friends of Ace’ ..Anyway, this morning I came downstairs ,switched the radio on ( like marmite, Richard Madely- you either love him or you hate him ) and Brucie’s ‘Girls in their Summer Clothes ‘ was playing.It knocked me across the room.So now I know that it is right to tell you about it.But not now, I’m too emotional.

Florence returns from Berlin this evening, so that’ll be a lovely post-Uplands treat.

Love

I think I’ve mentioned Wendy Perriam before. She is a primarily an author , but writes and talks beautifully about how she feels since the death of her daughter,Pauline. On Saturday I read an article she had written for The Guardian family Section .So much of it was how I felt and because I am so clumsy with words , I thought I’d let you read hers …

“no one could deny that the death of a child is profoundly traumatic. My sister,who lost a son of 33 told me, a few years ago told me that she re-experienced the grief every single day. It was no worse,she said,on his birthday or the anniversary of his death-it was a constant,daily,gnawing sense of loss………………

I keep a sort of scrapbook in my head of Pauline,as a baby, toddler, schoolgirl ,undergraduate.Even death cannot expunge the fact I enjoyed my daughter at all those different stages-and, yes, even now, I strive to keep her vibrantly alive.”

Thats exactly how I feel and why I keep on writing this stuff . x

The BC was to stop the wind .

On Sunday morning around 6.30am , Dunwich beach car park looked like Where’s Wally in the Tour de France. You’ve never seen so many exhausted, delirious, happy men and woman clad in flourescent lycra eating icecreams, burnt sausages and drinking beer. Some even stripped off and went in the sea ( that made it easier to spot Wally, Woof,Wilma,Wizard Whitebeard and Willy ).

John did BRILLIANTLY- no punctures , no falling off , (even though one girl in Epping tried to knock him off by openeing her car door in front of him but Superjohn managed to swerve to avoid her ) and he even added 10miles to his 120 by going the wrong way at one point…and he still got in, fresh as a daisy at 6.27am. he didn’t look quite so cool when he fell asleep with his head under an upturned beach chair .

Kings of The Mountain

Today the Tour de France hits England – sort of . They’ll be thousands of people on bikes,…. sweating,shouting, overtaking ,coffee stops, picnic stops, pub stops ,toilet stops, more toilet stops, singing , getting lost , turning map the right way up etc etc …and that’s just Mandy and I in the backup team .Yes tonight ,the nearest Saturday July night to full moon , John and Chris are cycling 120miles from London to Dunwich ( get your maps out ). A very special place for us ( not just cos of the fish and chips ) but because Jane and Rosie loved it so.

Did I see’paula woz ere’ etched on the stone ?

I hope Paula doesn’t mind me copying her email to you ,but it made me smile

‘Just read your blog about Jacobs graduation and Jesmond Dene –
believe it or not I painted that water fall in about 1970 and got a
prize for it! I think my art peaked at that point as I dont remember
any thing else about art at school. I went to school just up the hill
from there – its now closed down!!’

It was a humbug

Lots of stuff happened today which made me so so so so pine for Rosie-

1. Sorting through some mini-cab cards , I came across a tiny photo of Florence and Rosie .It was taken about 15 years ago , and they were stood outside a tent on a campsite in France .Florence was wearing a home made hat .I think Rosie had tried to make her enter a competition.

I held it together.

2. Driving my students in the mini-bus to Kew Gardens, the Kings of Leon , came on the radio.

I held it together.

3. Just as I was going into Waitrose ,I bumped into the lovely Leo. We chatted , all I could see was that image of Rosie with her hair draped over his and Helenka’s faces to make droopy moustaches.

I held it together.

4.At the chicken rotisserie counter I was served by Nicola. We talked about missing Rosie.

I lost it .

Postscript to No. 4- Nicola abandoned her counter came running after me , gave me a sweet, and we hugged in the aisle for a good 5 minutes.

Jacob’s big day

Jacob’ll probably be cringing when he reads this , but I am so proud. To do so well, through such sad times ,and yet retain his kindness, humour ( occasional bad temper- he’s no saint ) and love of life is amazing.

Yesterday was very special.We had a lovely walk to The waterfall in Jesmond Dene Park, panini’s and cake in a retro-cafe ( ie mismatched plates like my mum used to have ), the picking-up of the gown and having a good laugh at everyone else ( funny how you soon get used to it ), photos, the ceremony ( no-one fell off their heels, but one girl forgot to shake hands with The Dean and shot off the stage ), more photos, champagne tea in The Hatton Gallery, group photos, official photos,jumping photos, then the gown went back and we hit the doubles ( rum not tennis).

a lovely two days

We’re back,pooped and very proud.

Too much to write now , but before I wax lyrically about my son,his friends ,Newcastle,Sundowners overlooking The Tyne,the Heaton ( NOT Central ) Perk cheap drinks ( and taxis) ,The Cumberland Arms, Jesmond Dene ,tapas, dominoes, I would like to say thank-you to Adam for running the 10K for Rosie yesterday and to Gill H.for running .Adam did it in less than an hour, not sure about Gill.

Next year we’ll be back ……………….

Florence will be watching by video link in the next room

JC’s obviously got a thing about his height .Boy he can belt out a tune , play the piano while virtually standing on his head, sing over the fireworks, but does he have to mention he’s 5’4”, between every song ? ( By the way I am talking about Jamie Cullum NOT The Messiah ).

Jane and Roy ( no height issues )are coming for a BBQ tonight and then we’re away to Newcastle for Jacob’s graduation- can’t wait to see him in his gown and piece of A4 black card on his head ( times are hard – we all have to make compromises )

I felt her – Rosie was there too

If you have a window in your day , today or tomorrow, I urge you to go along to ‘The newcastle Fine Art degree Show’ ,in The basement,Shoreditch Town hall,Old Street , between 12-5.30.

It is amazing, beautiful, funny,clever,happy,sad,atmospheric- GO .

It was lovely to see so many of Jacob, Rosie and Florence’s friends there last night.

beautiful blue eyes

John and I now awake ( if we’ve forgotton to turn the computer off ) to the most beautiful photo of Georgina, with her head right up close to Rosie’s plaque at the Isis.

I am always lifted by the love and dedication shown by Rosie’s friends.

Apart from thr PV at Shoreditch tomo night, lunch withe the G. ( also)tomo and Jamie C. on Friday , the hi-light of my week has to be The Apprentice and then a quick switch over to ‘You’ve been fired’ .Tonight will Helen put a foot wrong ?

Susie was making natural dyes

It’s lovely to have a full house .

It all kicked off Sunday Eve. A big group of Rosie’s lovely friends ( and 1 of Jacobs’ and 1 of Izzy’s ), made fabulous food, and brought it round for a BBQ and a table tennis tournament .I only mention that ,cos Liam and I won it. All went pear shaped last night , when I played him and he thrashed me- I should have taken my coach’s ( Jacob ) advice when he said that a successful doubles team should never play each other.Then Florence thrashed me ,so that’s put an end to another sporting career and I went in and watched ‘I caught it abroad’.Which made me start to consider a career change. I want to be that nurse that suffocates the wiggly fat slug buried under the skin , by covering the the air hole in the skin with Vaseline, waiting 24 hours and then squeezing the skin so hard , the grub pops out.How satisfying is that ?.

Then last night Susie cooked up a treat – not to eat, but more an all round olfactory and visual experience. She prepared, salted and boiled about 20kgs of beetroots and 2 red cabbages. The house smelt lovely ( ? ) this morning .At first I wasn’t sure if it was just Jacob’s trainers he left in the hall.But when I saw the vats of dye all packed and sealed ready to take , I knew it was boiled and sieved veggies. Kate, Liam and Susie are staying as the Final Year Newcastle Fine Art Students are bringing their exhibition to London. So if you are free Friday and Saturday this week , please do pop along to shoreditch Town hall. As I’ve said before , their work is beautiful.

Then they jump in the sea.

This letter in today’s paper made me LOL

” perhaps the title should have been let’s Not Bother Moving to Norbury At All ( 25 June ) .Tom Dyckhoff struggled to find anything positive to say about the place.Even Streatham suddenly seems a better prospect”.

I’m not saying I told you so , but …………

Meanwhile on page 8 of The Travel Section is a lovely, short article on The Dunwich Dynamo, a free wheeling turn up and ride 110 miles overnight affair, which in 2 weeks today John will be setting out on.

1066 is the year not distance in km

I got the train from Charing Cross to Battle, met Bev, and we did Walk No. 2 in my ‘The most amazing places to walk in Britain ‘ book. Stopping for a 3 hour picnic and a bottle of fizz, halfway round the 1066 Walkers Way.

Is that what you wanted to hear jacob ?

* the place not the action

Last night we were treated to the most lovely picnic , in the most beautiful of settings,that is by the lake in Kew Gardens, with the kindest of people Sally and Mark and their friends ,Mike and Carol .Just what the doctor odered after a stressy morning and a not so stressy lunch with Sheila and high tea with Grandma..

I’m off to do Battle* today .

out for lunch and tea – so it’s all good really.

It’s 11am and my 3 bad things have happened.

Next doors cat pooed on the door mat. I recieved a parking ticket from the delightful London borough of Croydon .Dropped the beers.The house now smells like a cross between a brewery and Battersea Cats Home.

In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter ,it just pushes you down the rung of the ladder you’ve just climbed up.

Theres a big hole here

Our mealtime numbers doubled last night , when Jacob , Richard and Nicolai turned up in town . The Danich contingent had come straight from Centre Court,Wimbledon ( Beyonce didn’t want her seat after all ) and the Geordie one straight from Kings Cross en route to The BFI. Lovely to have a full house.

Norbury Park doesn’t even have a toilet, pond or boating lake.

Have you seen ‘lets move to’ in Saturday’s Guardian magazine? Norbury ( where I was brought up ) ,is apparently the new Streatham .I think thats doing it a great service…it’s more like the new Scunthorpe ( try typing that on your works PC ) but without the fish or sea or countryside ).

About six miles north of Norbury stands The Isis. Our latest photo of visitors to Rosie’s plaque is of Jane,Roy and their Australian friends,Anna and Jack. The 4 of them are now saving our screen . A couple of months ago on this website,Bert put on a photo of Rosie me .I have my arm around her , she is wearing shorts and a green top and pulling a funny face. Well that was taken at Strwberry Fields,Central Park NYC,in August 2007 and we were standing right next to a plaque for John Lennon. All seems a bit surreal really.Thank God you don’t know what the future holds.

last night I had an aural adventure

Kept busy doing lovely stuff.

Last night Emma and I went to The Union Chapel to see ‘The London Gay Men’s Chorus’. They were amazing.It was a fantastic concert , the atmosphere was electric and ( apart from Oaklands nativity) ,I’ve never seen so many proud parents/siblings/partners/friends.The chorus was about 100 strong and they sang and moved beautifully..They started with Labi Siffre’s anti apartheid protest song, ( Something Inside) So Strong. God that is a powerful song ,I think my tears came then , and never really stopped. For ‘Wade in The Water’ an 1901 African American song, the chorus dispersed around the church , with some men standing high above us in the gallery , and sung it in harmony – stunning.The bar was 6 deep in the interval , so we shot over the road to The 24hr shop, bought wine and drank it outside the church. Their final 2 songs were ‘Chiayy Chiayya’ and ‘Jai Ho ‘- which if you’ve seen ‘Slumdog Millionaire ‘ , you’ll recognise straightaway. The choreography for this was fantastic ( 100 men dancing in different directions ) and it was truly the sign of a good concert when you don’t want it to stop.

Today Florence and I went out for brunch to Bills in Covent Garden.We sat in the sunshine coiffed champagne cocktails and ate BLT’s and chips.Just another manic Sunday.

Fanny never had this problem

You’d be forgiven for thinking that Nat and Flo are doing ‘the season’. They were at parties Kenwood House on Tues, Royal Society of Architects on Wed and and the National Gallery last night- but sadly not as aspiring debutantes or friends of Kate and Pip’s , but as waitresses ( God help the guests ).I think the classic line was on Tuesday, when the party planner shouted across the room at one of them ”get that parrot away from the birthday cake”.

We have friends round for supper tonight, so I’m off to griddle ( burn with stripes on )my aubergines. I’ll give it 7 minutes til I’m waving a tea-towel under the smoke detector.

Bert,I ADORE , that photo of Rosie at our kitchen table

I keep Saturday Guardians Guide by the downstairs loo. All this week , Bon Iver’s sort of surreal landscape album cover has been staring at me .I think I’ll have to buy it . Sometimes I kid myself these things are a sign from Rosie telling me to do stuff.

After last night , Melody has to go…especially as she upset Tom . What has he invented ?

Mis-information

In case you were all rushing out to buy tickets, it was in fact called ‘Naked Boys Singing ‘, and as Sarah pointed out , it said on the programme ‘ warning , this show contains nudity’.Put it this way ,we’d have been disappointed if it didn’t.

* Sorry this’ll only make sense if you’ve seen the exhibition.

John and I have spent the day up to our eyes in paint .John literally ,as he was part of a team from St Paul’s Church , who went and decorated a whole house in a day . John was in charge of hall, stairs and landing . You’ll be pleased to know there was no repeat of ‘The Oaklands School Hall decorating disaster’ and the lady and her 4 children who live there are very happy with their revamped house and garden.

I, on the other hand , just looked at the stuff .Fiona and I went to The Watercolour Exhibition at Tate Britain. If I could have taken one home ,I’d have gone for the Howard Hodgkin, ‘Here we are in Croydon’…probably painted just before Primark took over the high street and the classiest eating place- Pizza Hut – closed down.And it wasn’t me responsible for sticking my painted teaspoon *on the wall with chewing gum ( might have been Fiona though ).

Today was a continuation of my weekend of culture which started last night when Sarah and I celebrated her birthday with cocktails, vino and dins in The National Portrait Gallery, where we had a fabulous window table overlooking all things beautiful in London- Nelson’s Column,Big Ben,The Eye,The Shard etc.We then had to make a dash to the theatre for her real birthday treat …’Naked Men Singing’ at The Charing Cross Theatre.It did exactly what it said on the box, they were and they did.

Somewhere Rosie is going Phaah

Hot off the press , well actually some brewery 5miles cycle ride from Hexham….Jacob got a first .

We are so absolutely bowled over, thrilled, elated,happy,proud, excited …for him.Our boy’s done well.

Heavy on the grease

If you’ve got nothing to do this weekend, get yourself a tub of popcorn and a carton of Kiora and bed down to watch Jacob’s 2 films- ‘River of Mud’ and ‘Salmon’. You can see them on jacobdwyer.com .

If you are too busy and want to see the real thing ,Newcastle Uni’s Fine Art degree Show is coming to Shoreditch Town Hall 6-9 July and I promise you no dripping testicles……… but you could ask to see the nude calendar ( not telling you which month Jacob is – you’ll have to look and guess ).

Just off for Grandmama’s special day – she’s asked for savaloy and chips.

The fatted pig is dans le oven

It was like Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore were in the room when Christine,Steve and I got behind the potters wheel ,grabbed the clay in two hands ,threw it into the centre ( of the wheel , not the room , that was just Steve showing off as we wouldn’t call him Patrick ) drenched it ( and us ) in water and made a complete pigs ear of out fist thrown pot .To add to the ambience we cranked up Unchained Melody, odd it was in French , but our teacher had flown in from Carcasonne so we went with it .Tomorrow , our visiting ceramicist is going to show us how do do it with the wheel turned on!

Quentin Tarantino comes home tonight ,via The NFI.

6 go mad in Amsterdam

I expect as I type, Florence is in The Rijksmuseum or planning a trip to Rembrandt’s House or reading her ‘what not to miss in The Stedelijk ‘…or perhaps not.

Beechams profits go up

I don’t know if was the trauma of the thought of spending a damp night in the Wiltshire bush with me , or a night of rich food ,drink and bonhomie at The Wincanton Clarkes or the sadness of being home alone last night while I went to see Spring Awakening (for the second time – I love it , even though we probably were the oldest members of the audience ), but poor old John is in bed with manflu .

The local pear and apple cider didn’t touch the sides

Now ,I could make this a very long story.But I won’t cos you’ll all nod off . So to summarise- we got lost. Thursday was glorious , we checked into The Spread Eagle on The Stourhead Estate and then armed with just one small bottle of water we set off for a stroll round the grounds. We saw grottos,temples,arches, waterwheels, a mock pantheon, pumps, bridges,wells all around the most beautiful lake.We then walked up the valley to St Peter’s Pump and then a further 2 miles up onto the hills to King Alfred’s Tower.So at about 5pm we made our descent and this is where it all went wrong .I opted for a different route through the woods and John commandeered The OS Map. Well we walked up hill, down dale ,all in thick woods,After two and a half hours we decided we were really lost,hadn’t a clue where we were and needed help. We finally stumbled on a solitary house,knocked on the door , by this time it was 7.45, our table in the restaurant was booked for 8.30, and they told us it was a 5 mile walk back to the pub. So being British and stoic ,I did what all sensible people do …cried and said I couldn’t go on , and just to leave me there and I’d dig deep into my survival knowledge of watching 1 episode of Ray Mears( North Pole I think )and eat small fish and drink glacier water. I knew my guardian angel , Rosie , would look after me , then I remembered her disastrous D of E hike , where they came out the pub(?) , turned the wrong way and got terribly lost, so I told her I was OK, but just to keep one eye on me. So occupied in my thoughts ( and the fear of missing dinner ), I nearly missed seeing John throw himself in front of the one passing car , and begging the lady to give us a lift. Before she had time to answer , he had whisked his boots off and was sitting in the back seat. I could have kissed her .John told her she had saved our lives .I added she had saved our marriage.

Go west

Sadly Sally, not yet , but once Jacob’s website is up and running , you’ll be able to see them ( 2017 ?? )

Flo and Holly meeted and greeted, while Joe waited on tables at the Ace fundraising quiz ,last night. About 200 people went and I’m sure F&H remembered all their names ( another ?) . A huge thank you to Holly and Joe for helping and giving your time , it means a hell of a lot.

Just got in as I shot straight from work to meet Melinda ,Grandma’s Aussie physio.Not many glad tidings there.Grandma has lost all weight bearing strength in her left leg and can no longer use her rotator (as she calls it ). Meanwhile Flo and John shot off to Brum to see Nanny and her visiting relatives from Ireland, meanwhile Jacob has arrived home ( for 24 hrs ) to an empty house aaaahhhh.

John is sweeping me off to Stourhead tomo. I’ve never been and it looks beautiful. Amazon dropped my new OS map off this morn , so we are heading west for yet another mini-break.

My Children

I am very proud of both Florence’s and Jacob’s work .So different , so beautiful and so full of them. It was all wrong that Rosie wasn’t at their exhibitions with us , but in fact she was – I took her with me .I kept her close , talked her through all the pieces and avoided us knocking over a tall totem pole-esque thingey at Florences and dropping the camera in Susie’s dyes at Jacobs.
Jacob is having a whistle stop meeting at The NFI tomo

Thanks to Susie for organising The Meal.

John,Florence and I have just returned , pooped and bowled over by Jacob and his contemporaries final exhibition. Some of the pieces were beautiful and moved me to tears .None more so than the ‘River of Mud’ and ‘Salmon’ , Jacob’s 2 films.The examiners are in tomo , so I wish Jacob and all his pals the best of luck.
Right here we go …this is what we did( it may sound like a self-indulgent diatribe, but it is infact brain gym, helping me to recall and sequence stuff )……..
6 hour drive ( 2 loo and coffee stops – I know , too much information ),checked in, popped into the Uni and saw Jacob ( closed eyes so as not to spoil tomos surprise ), John cycled into Northumberland, Florence and I went to the Baltic , exhibitions closed for day so had to force ourselves to drink Prosecco , overlooking The Tyne and watching water skiers and jet skiers- booked lessons for tomo. Met Jacob , Chinese dins in Hei Heis.
On Fri we took stuff into the Uni for Jacob and then drove/cycled to Tynemouth Beach, it was boiling .Picnic’ d , had Pimms in the Cricket Club and went into the first night of the exhibition- toooooooo much to begin writing about.Then 47 of us went out to dinner.Jacob and all his friends each made a speech- it was fabulous, happy and moving. Then we staggered to the Quayside were they’d hired a bar ,where everyone partied til 3 am . We came out feeling very overdressed ( i.e. we had some on ) by Newcastle standards.
On Sat we went to the coast , snoozed , and then went back and walked around the exhibition, which was lovely and peaceful and beautiful and still so very moving .Then we drove into Nothumberland ,walked by the Tyne ,saw the locations in ‘The Salmon’ ,drank real ale and ate pubgrub.Then back to The Cumberland Arms. Drove back today – boohoo.The exhibition is coming to Whitechapel in July , so loads of you will be able to see it then .hopefully jacob will broadcast the details.

Might even dip my toe in The North Sea

Managed 4 of the 7 sisters before the urge to get to the beach bar overtook the desire to get hotter, sweatier and more breathless, BUT the view of the white cliffs, soft green fields and turquoise sea was amazing -from both a walking and a drinking angle.

I read this quote today from the French philosopher ,Albert Camus

” Don’t walk in front of me,

I may not follow,

Don’t walk behind me,

I may not lead.

Walk beside me and be my friend”

Once again I say thank you to all our friends who have stuck with us , looked after us, thought of us, invited us to do stuff , texted us .All your words and actions do make us feel less isolated.

We are heading North tomo for Jacob’s final exhibition , I can’t wait to see it …and him.

June ( Rachel ) is busting out all over

Yesterday Emma and I had lunch with Grandma- we had all her favourites, asparagus ,salmon ,Jersey royals and brandy .After lunch ,outside in the garden ,Emma trimmed my hair .We looked round to see 2 old biddies who had wheeled themselves out , forming a queue to get theirs cut .Either they thought Emma was the new hairdresser or I was the new resident.

We’re off to the coast today to conquer The Seven Sisters in time for sundowners at the little beach bar in Eastbourne.

Turned the calender over to see Georgina with Rosie- last month it was a dancing Helenka

31.5.01.

Ten years ago my dear sister , Jane , died. I can only hope that she and Rosie are together somewhere and that someday ,I will see them both again.

Lived there for the first 18yrs of my life , bet they don’t mention kensington Avenue primary school or The Wimpey

Lots of jumpy stuff going around my head at the moment…

I keep humming ‘3 little maids from school are we ‘ as last night we went to see an all singing all dancing vibrant production of Ruddigore – sort of Gilbert & Sullivan meets Glee.

this morning I listened to a very moving interview with Wendy Perriam whose daughter died of cancer .Together with Peter Stanford , she wrote a book ‘Death of a Child’ .She said some wise incentive stuff and associates the Take That song ‘Rule the World’ with her daughter ,so 3 Little Maids , is history and now I’m singing ‘You light the skies up above me. A star so bright ,you blind me.Don’t close your eyes ,don’t fade away.’……………………….to Rosie

Ordered the book.

Jacob was missed at soup kitchen , lots of the punters asked after him .I tried to explain about the film , the bridge and the fish , but they all thought I was mad.

Saw in Saturdays Guardian magazine , the next weeks property section is ‘lets move to Norbury ‘. Surely that should read ‘lets not move to Norbury*, but save a bit more and go west ‘

LOVED the article about Christian The lion – still my No 1 Youtube clip.

With extra caponata

I never really told you what happened to Nanny and Grandma.Well,they both came out of their respective hospitals around 4 weeks ago.John’s Mum,Nanny went back to her house and Grandma back to Uplands. Nanny is doing great guns, going up and down the stairs unaided and has amazing support from her children. Grandma has had the long -suffering physio Keith seeing her most days and trying to get her to stand up and then weight bear. After 4 weeks he doesn’t think her mobility is going to improve so he suggests she transfers from bed to chair on rollerblades .

Just re-read his notes , he said ‘rollerstand’ ( It looks a bit like that thing they move the bricks on in B&Q )

Dining out a la Richmond Carluccios tonight , always have the same thing that mixed starter thing ( not even put off by my friend chucking up the whole lot on the stairs in the Ealing Broadway one ) and spinach ravioli.

You either love it or you hate it

When I started writing this Blog ,I vowed I’d never be political, but I’m afraid Denmark have put a stop to that. Why on earth are they banning Marmite ? lt tastes lovely ( I have been known to spoon it straight from the jar into my mouth ), it looks lovely ( all gooey yet smooth and sort of dollopy ) and as for the jar ,its a national treasure ( like Brendan off Coach Trip ).We’ve evn splashed out and had the Guinness and Champagne limited addition ones.

Come on now all my relatives out there, get protesting.

No Cad in sight

My class and I LOVE the new ‘glass and a half Cadburys’ Ad , set in the charity shop. Ilove the fact they are all real dancers in those costumes and they had to practice for days as they couldn’t see what they were doing .

Go on youtube it .You know you want to

Words matter

Did anyone watch the recent documentary ‘Dolphin Boy’ ? It moved me beyond tears. It might seem odd,but other peoples ( especially parents and children ) trauma ,effects me deeply. I feel so sad for them .A couple of things that were said resonated deeply within me ….When the Father said of his 17 yr old son ,Murad, who ,for sending an innocent text message to a girl in his class, was kidnapped by her brothers and their male friends , subjected to a prolonged ,violent attack and beaten within an inch of his life and subsequently suffered the most severe attack of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ,the Israeli psychiatrist had ever had to treat said ”he is the blood running through my veins”, it rocked me .It made me think , that maybe ,metaphorically that is why I am so weary , a third of my blood has been taken from me ..Later on, the interviewer asked Murad, who after a couple of years of Dolphin Therapy, had started to talk, give eye contact and form relationships ”are you healed ?”, to which Murad replied ”Do I sleep the same way as you do ? I will never be healed, I just learn to cope with life”.I apologise if I sound sad , I just think and listen and read about people a lot. As a complete antithesis , this made me laugh .When Louis Theroux was asked how he’d like the opening line of his obituary to read ,he said ”attempting a triathlon aged 120 was always going to be risky, but Louis was never one to refuse a challenge.”

29 months

Lovely photos Bert . Joella ( or anyone else who might know-Georgina ? ) where were you when that photo was taken. Today is Saturday and the second photo is how Rosie would have been dressed since 1pm ( shift started at 1.30pm ). The Blog photo was in Nyhavn Copenhagen- happy days .

Guess where? …Uplands

I have just returned form a Hawaiian Flower festival .

Everyone was decked out in grass skirts, wore flowery shirts , had garlands round their necks and a glass of punch ( well luke warm Leibraumilch with an umbrella in it ) in their hands . At the beginning , we were all asked to stand ( those that could- which weren’t many ) for the – what I thought was going to be ,The Hawaiian National Anthem’, but in fact turned out to be ‘I will always love you ‘by Whitney Houston, danced romantically by Ivan ( not a resident, but the new- second in command activities organiser ) and his special friend. We then went on to watch more dances, snapshots of the Philippines ( none Hawaii or even of of Streatham ) and eat lots of exotic fruit dipped in whipped cream.True to form ,the evening finished off with Karaoke, with mine and Priscilla The Housekeeper’s YMCA , getting the highest score and most audience participation.If they’d been able to do ,I’m sure we’d have had a standing ovation .

Then it was inside for a team photo.

So much talent

I absolutely LOVED Florence’s exhibition . Some of the work was a amazing ( esp hers ) .I was particularly drawn to the giant hanging dripping testicles and the film of the naked artist making them ( I jest not ).The whole place was buzzing ,the wine was flowing and its still on til Tues ,so if you fancy a bit of culture and a cheap drink in the riverside terrace SU bar – Kingston Uni, Knights Park Campus , is the place.

We looked too old/uncool t/awestruck/attractive (?) to sit comfortably, so we headed to Wagamama for Japanese noodles and beer.

Did you know Neil Sedaka wrote ‘Is this the way to Amarillo’?

I think ,without her knowing, Grandma’s been plagarised.She never wears hats( esp not Beatrices ) although she might fancy being in a film( esp Jacobs ). But… she might be about to appear in a reality programme ( NOT The Only Way is Essex or Strangeways or Supersize vs Superskinny ) ,but ’24 hrs in Kings College A&E’ on C4 on Wednesday 18th at 9pm. If they were filming on Wed 23rd March , we’re in for a treat !

As for the Sheffield Boss, he’s not ,Joe Cocker. Sean Bean or Alex Turner , but Tony Christie. I love him . It was a night of pure cheese. In 2008 ,I was driving Rosie to work at Waitrose ( I know it’s not far ,but she was running v late ) and I played her his version of ‘Louise’ ,written by Phil Oakey. She was blown away and like me, she loved it .We sat and listened to it again ,both us moved to tears. Then about 2 weeks before she died, John and I went to see Tony Christie perform the songs from that album …’Made in Sheffield’ with Richard Horley and his Band up at Cadogan Hall. It was a wonderful night. Sloane Square was lit with fairy lights, we had amazing seats overlooking the stage, the concert was beautiful and we were so happy.Then it all went wrong.

Sadly not Brucie

Not only did BB have tapas with 14 friends , but he heard he’d won a grant from The British film Institute to make a film that will be shown in The Tate Mod one night- how fab is that ? In the words of The Dad from The Commitments , I bet Franco Zieffirelli’s sh*****g himself !. I’m already planning my outfit ( joke ) for the next two big opening nights , Florence’s and Jacob’s final exhibitions .Stupidly I wish they didn’t have to end their courses .Selfishly I’m not good with finalising stuff

Spent the last couple of days doing my inbuilt therapy( seeing friends and being in beautiful places ).Picnicing in Isabella yesterday , kew gardens today and then dining( not so beautiful-our kitchen ) with Gill and Andy. They showed us the photos of Gill running in The London Marathon ( Anna your hair looks fab blonde ).It was so moving seeing Gill , wearing her T Shirt with Rosie’s beautiful smiling face on the front, surrounded by Rhino’s, 6 foot high nurses and Postman Pat’s red bus.

Tonight we are going to see The ( Sheffields own ) Boss. Any ideas as to who he is ???

bring on Batman

Being the heathens of the art world , John and I are loving ‘Show me the Monet’. They showed one piece of art and I recognised it and then up popped it’s creator , Jacob’s friend Teal .He was interviewed by the panel for ages, but sadly didn’t get his piece chosen for The RCA exhibition.

Birthday ( up at 5am .took some lovely pals with him to do some filming, then back to his for a full English and out for tapas tonight ) Boy tells me , another of his friends, Robin, is on it tomo.

I remember John asking if he could eat half my toast

Oh Georgina, I think I remember you and Rosie’s radio programme. Who was the celeb guest , what problems did you answer ,what was your prog called ? I managed to dig an old cassette player out at work . It worked and the ”testing testing 1 2 3 ” took me right back to Elaine West’s bedroom in 1972 .

Had a fab time at the Chiswick ‘High Road swanky Auction with a lovely cafe/bar’ last night .There was some gorgeous stuff and I found myself bidding for a couple of wall vases..it was quite addictive esp as no money changes hands at the time ,so its like playing being in an episode of ‘Lovejoy’…luckily for my Nat West overdraft facility, I was outbid !

Wetlands centre today – best time of year to go – all those cute baby ducks ( to scare ).

This time 23 years ago ,I was being force fed quiche and told my baby wasn’t ready to come .Two hours later , the quiche made a re-appearance and then three hours after that so did Jacob !

A request

Sorry about all The KKKKKKK’s my wrist was resting on the keyboard and I forgot to delete them.

A sad day at work ,this morning we were told a colleague was in ITU. At lunchtime we were told she had died.

Does anyone have a small cassette player – not a walkman or a combi ghetto blaster , just a tape player – like my fiend Elaine and I used to make our own radio programmes on about 40years ago ?

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjj Lines

Not only did I go and see something wonderful weird, funny and distracting at the theatre – The Vaudevilians, but I was taken on a lovely walk given a gift – a book of Wordsworth’s poems. He had the dreadful pain of two of his children, Catherine and Thomas, dying. Some of his works are so moving. His words are beautiful. My bumbling words cannot begin to do him justice. I will keep the book by my bed , next to my pocket atlas, and because I’ve lost the ability to read a whole book, will dip into them when my brain needs either maps or words.

Once again let me thank the family and friends who have stuck with us and see beyond the sometimes weary facade.

Time to go

It was the summing up of The July 7th bombing inquest yesterday. My friends Hazel and Julie were in court. Their daughters Laura and Jenny were killed on that day. The inquest has been a harrowing 5 months for them. To see Laura and Jenny’s photos in the paper again , opens up my gash , so God knows how they are feeling. When Rosie first died,The Meningitis Trust gave me a ‘buddy’ , Janet , in Sheffield. Her daughter,Rachael, also died suddenly and unexpectedly from this terrible thing. She was a fit ,healthy ( trampolined for Yorkshire ) 17 year old student who also had a part time job in a shop. She died on the 24th July I remember Janet telling me she can’t bear people referring to that date as 24/7.It just sounds so flippant and disrespectful, as if it is too much effort to say the whole date . I know exactly what she means. Sorry to rant, but my head is going a bit crazy …time to get out…and walk…and talk…and be silent….and cry …and see something distracting at the theatre.

A good name for a band ?

A day of gastronomy and indulgence.With my feet giving a good seeing to , morning coffee in Carluccios, early sundowners in The Fox, pre dinner fizz a la Bernard , followed by a local Italian dins .

We had to get out ,the house reeks of fish as Flo has been boiling it for her final project ( a pleasant change from Jacob, the rotting meat and the blowflies )

Now off you toddle…..

I won’t be as so rude as to ask what you are voting today, I just know I tried to understand the AV by listening to a radio prog using a mock set-up in which we were voting for England’s new capital city ,out of Brum ,Liverpool,Manchester,Newcastle and Bristol. By the end I was totally confused , thought that Liverpool had won and was left wondering if I could still use my oyster card.So to make an informed vote , I took advice from the most Tory of rags,and voted the opposite.

On a different note, had anyone seen The Magners Cider TV ad ? I find it so horrible and creepy – can’t bear to watch it.

Oh so quiet

6 little pairs of Danish feet tippytoed out of our house this morning , Jacobs little pair tippytoed ( or sort of crashed, rather the worse for wear ) out on Monday. So our house has all gone quiet and poor old Flo is left with John and me.

The only way is Ess..

Ninety years ago little Grace Joan Brown was born in Essex ( when there was not a bottle of fake tan or a white stilletto in sight ), just plenty of fields , her Dad Joe, and her battleaxe of a mother. I’m not going to write her life history ( mainly cos I don’t know half of it ), but she left Essex ,worked in Rene and Bill’s pub , met Geoffrey(who was also a Brown , so she never had to change her name) did her nurses training, married, moved to Norbury and had Richard , Jane and me. Life has not been easy for her, but she has a strong will ,a strong heart and a lot of friends and family to live for.

Her party on Sunday was lovely .Richard and ALL his family came from Denmark.The food was fusion , Ploughmans meets Indian.We had photos of her, from the age of 2 all around the room. Victoria and Florence made a fabulous cake, we sat in the sunshine.I made a short speech ( it was to be longer , but I broke down , before I’d even mentioned Jane and Rosie who should have been with us all ), we drank pink fizz and ended with a sing song…

Today Richard,Lise,Nic,Sarah ,Kristian,Thor,Frig and Gro are going to see her.

We ended with a singalong

In the words of Paul Nicholas, it was ‘Grandma’s (90th) party tonight’. More details to follow- too pooped now. Lets just say The Middletons are not a patch on The Browns in our Chinese themed outfits.

Who made it to the 6am bacon buttie stage ?

Lorna, you are so close to Wills & Kate you should have got an invite ( preferably NOT behind a tree or Princess Eugenie’s hat ) .You was definitely robbed.

Adam – artistic opinion of THE dress please – kates’s not Lornas.

I ran out at 6

We can’t ignore the big event today ,so here are my top ten tenuous links to Will & Kate :-

1. I’ve had dinner in Buck Palace . In around 1973, Jane’s dearest friend Steph, was going out with Sid, who was a chef at The Palace .One evening he cooked dinner for us, we ate in his room in the staff quarters ( they even have their own bar ) and then we sneaked down the back stairs and he showed us the royal kitchens.

2. Will and I were both delivered by Sir George Pinker at St.Mary’s Hosp – except I wasn’t in the private bit .

3.In around 1980 Declan and I went to stay with Dec’s lovely sister, Siobhan and her family in Anglesey .Her husband Chris was a fighter pilot at RAF Valley, where Will is based . He let Declan and I have a go in their multi million pound fighter jet simulator.Dec kept it in ‘the air’ for about 2 mins , but I crash landed it after 3 seconds, when the seat read my weight in order to adjust the ejector seat.

4. I work with someone with the surname Middleton.

5. I’ve run (??) for Rosie past Westminster Abbey.

6. When I worked in Chelmsley Hospital School in Brum and Princess Di was pregnant with their first child, we had a sweepstake as to the name. I opted for ‘William’ .Sadly,so did 3 others , so I only won £5.

I’ll be glued and wearing my hat …at Uplands.

The first of the ( Brown ) royalty has arrived….Victoria. Now we await one of Jacob’s best Newcastle Uni buddies- Princess Eugenie- It’s a bit hard on her seeing her Ma isn’t invited to the Abbey. Don’t think she’ll mind cooching up with Flo & Vic.

Not sure about the first dance…..

Its countdown to THE big day. We’ve received our invitations ( I thought the black and white photo of her swimming costume on the beach at Clacton, aged 2 , was a nice touch ).We’ve taken our responsibilities seriously ,chosen the balloons, overseen the outfit , ordered the samosas, chicken tikka and pink fizz ( good offer on pink prosecco in Tescos).Thought about a speech , but might just go with a sing-song ( more inclusive ).

Yes it’s just 4 days til Grandma’s 90th Birthday party.

So dam true

Back at work and it was a tough day as it was the celebration of Imran’s life. I managed to hold most of my tears in and even got up to say a poem with my year 13 class, but inside I crumbled.

This poem from Elizabeth Jennings,says it all

“Time does not heal

It makes a half-stitched scar

That can be broken and feel grief as total as in its first hour “

Stu ,what are you about to do with that courgette ?

I cannot thank The Sand Rose Project enough for letting us stay in ‘Spindrift West’. It was a beautiful Cottage, with a wonderful garden and the most amazing view of the sea and St Michael’s Mount. We had lovely neighbours, a family of 4 whose second child had died suddenly,aged 24. So we had a lot in common.

I won’t bore you with all the details, but in 6 days we went to 6 different beaches,mounted St Michael, got 2 lock-ins at our local pub, ate pasties/cream teas/fish & chips , drank Rattler, played loads of boules,doms & contract, swam in the sea ( albeit briefly ) at Gwithian.John and Jacob cycled loads ( Flo and I didn’t ) , went on a scenic trainride , read the paper, snoozed , went to the Tate &Babs Hepworths Garden then ate tapas and drank chilled white alfresco overlooking the beach ( while John cycled to St Ives via lands End, then crashed out on the beach ), had Easter lunch at a seafood beach restaurant at Sennen Cove., waited for The tide to go out and then went in the caves at Chapel Porth

I hope the Easter Bunny comes to you

Gill was amazing , in that heat and with 35,000 people getting in her way , she ran The London Marathon in 5hours 19mins.( That was about the same time it took Claire,Bob John and I to do a 5.5 mile river walk , have a pub lunch , lose a cardigan , find a cardigan , stop for a coffee and a hot X bun, lose a hat ,find a hat , study the map and make notes on ‘where to go in Cornwall’ ). We watched the marathon hi-lights last night ,scanning the screens for Rosie’s face on Gill’s white T Shirt.We were so moved that a) Gill did it raising well over a £1,000 for The Children of The Southend Academy and b) Rosie was out there amongst all those thousands of people.

We are off for to Cornwall tomorrow for 6 nights. I can’t wait .It hasn’t been an easy term with both our Mums in hospital and the Ofsted visit on top . I call it The POF- Pile on Factor. Feeling sad and yearning for Rosie makes life exhausting and tough. More stuff gets piled on and I feel myself sinking very fast …so this holiday ( selfishly) couldn’t come at a better time. Through The Child Bereavement Charity , we have been lucky enough to be given a cottage in Marazion, through The Sand Rose Project – a charity which supports bereaved families. They have 3 cottages ,with a shared garden ( we’re going to be a happy lot ). So bring on Babs Hepworths Garden, walks ,scrabble,Tate St Ives, Cornish Pasties and THE SEA – one of the best therapies known to man

There’s a Holkham hall too.We shot round there ,I think ,too.

Adam , we have been to Holkham beach . It was around 1996 and we were staying in a cottage on The Green in Wells Next the Sea. John ,Jane , Jacob ,Rosie, Florence and I took a picnic down to the beach .It was OK pushing Jane’s wheelchair over the boardwalk, and then it came to an abrupt end and while John and I dragged the chair ( plus Jane …and windbreak,picnic,beach bag etc) over the sand , Jacob ,Rosie and Florence shot off and we were nearly arrested for child neglect .

Beautiful beach though.

You can read whatever paper you want to.

Any other beach recommendations ,a train journey away ?

….and my net

Just got in from a journey to the east on The Bullet Train. The east being Broadstairs and the train being the fastest one in the UK that doesn’t go under The English channel , but leaves from St Pancras International.

I love a good old British beach, walk ,lunch and this one was the first I’ve seen with a huge manmade tidal rockpool. Shame I forgot my bucket….

Good luck Keith

I love a good old sensory experience – not quite as sensory as grandma telling Keith , her visiting physio, all about her medical history ,in graphic detail , although he really wanted to hear about was her knees- and last night was certainly that .

Emma and I went to see ‘Sunday morning at the Centre of The world’ – a play for voices. It was weird .The theatre was built into the arches under London bridge station , so it smelt of damp and you could feel and hear the 7.55 from Orpington ( or wherever ) trundling overhead . On arrival , you put on a thick blindfold ( and then have an instant moment of panic, when you think you might be in an S&M club ), and are physically led to your seat – it is not easy negotiating steps ,and after I heard Emma scream ( hit shins on high step- no sign of a whip ), I was really cautious.Then it’s a case of voices, noises, smells, sounds,stuff being sprayed on you ( not paint or bodily fluids ). Of course you are free to peep at anytime , but we actually didn’t , so it was a bit pissy offy when at times, the audience laughed ,cos you knew they’d seen stuff , you hadn’t .

Well afterwards we shot to the ( great ) bar, and a few people sat close to us on these squidgy sofas. I said to Emma , I could tell by his voice, the guy sitting next to me was the narrator. Then gradually all these people came over to him, fawning over him ,saying what a privilege it was to hear him on his only appearance and asking for his autograph .We hadn’t a clue who he was , until we looked in the programme, he was the writer- Louis de Berniere. I held off asking him what Greek island he would recommend for a summer break.

Sunday

On Sunday , Gill Hilton our dear friend ,and Mother of Rosie’s lovely friend ,Anna S, is running The London Marathon for Rosie and The Children of The Southend Academy.It is an amazing thing to do .She will be wearing her ‘Run for Rosie’ T shirt , so please look out for her , cheer for her , have Rosie in your hearts , and if you can , sponsor her .I know from John and Jacob cycling Kenya , your words mean as much as the money .

http://www.justgiving.com/Gill-Hilton

Our day at The Seaside was perfect .Train to Littlehampton. Cocktails, chilled white and a fabulous lunch at the iconic East Beach Cafe, a table right by the window, looking out over the sea, then a long walk along the sand .If you closed your eyes ,you could have been in Greece – or face down in a rockpool !

Got my armbands on already

Grandma is home ! She had her 2 children there to meet and greet her when she was stretchered in. Richard jetted in from Copenhagen as he is on a course in london , and I drove in from a counselling session at The CBC.

So to celebrate her ( and my ) release from KCH, I’m leaving her in the good care of The Uplands Staff, warning the visiting physio of her reluctance to stand and then hotfooting it to the seaside.

…jus saw my newt ( he must have been hiding )

I read a moving article last week about the blog Matt Logelin writes . His wife Liz , aged 30, died hours after the birth of their first baby ,Madeleine. Writing about his blog , he says ”In many ways it’s a love letter to Madeleine and to Liz , but Liz will never read it of course”.

I know exactly how he feels , because all these stupid words are my love letter to Rosie and of course to Jacob , Florence and John

*It doesn’t take much to get us all talking

2 Long Island Iced Teas and my balls were all over the place.No strikes , never even got all 10 skittles down , but managed to come a ( respectable ? ) third. Last night we celebrated Richard C’s 53rd Bday . We went one up from Park Royal and a Nandos to All Star Lanes and a burger – lovely place , lovely company but need to practice my spins – or just hitting the skittles.

Thanks to Bob and Richard ( not to be confused with Justin and Colin ) for this mornings little garden makeover. Bobby and I emptied ,scrubbed and refilled my little pond .We washed 14 frogs and one fish and returned them to their clean home. Richard meanwhile planted the rose the Clarkes gave us for Rosies’ 21st.

Soupy this afternoon and then we’ll hotfoot it straight to hosp to see The G .There was more excitement in the ward yesterday , cos although the police-operation was scaled down a bit ( to 4) the actress who is in Eastenders and Bad Girls, Mother ,was in the next room to Gma, and so there was a celeb in the house.*

Adam, were there Quality Street in his room ?

I can’t enthuse enough about last nights show- it was edgy ,fast ,dangerous and featured guns, gangs, violence, worthlessness…..a bit like Grandma’s ward on a Saturday afternoon .Today there were 5 police armed with machine guns.They stopped everyone and asked them what they were doing there- except me , must have been the stethoscope round my neck.

Diana,Liz and Carol are the G’s roomies

Now I know Grandma can be a bit stroppy , but 3 policemen armed with machine guns ,patrolling the ward does seem a bit excessive – and you think I’m joking .Well I’m not ,it’s Gods own truth .Diana ( in Grandma’s words ‘My Guardian Angel ‘ – Florence, Sarah Brown and Del have gone right down the ladder ), Liz , Carol and I sat transfixed ,watching half The Met’s firearm unit patrol Mathew Whiting Orthopaedic Ward ( even though by rights ,Carol , who has had a gastric sleeve fitted shouldn’t be on it , but there are no beds in surgical ) ….and not one of the nurses would tell us what was going on.

Straight from from my afternoon of Holby City meets The Bill , I went to The Roundhouse , to see Circolombia Urban. It was jaw droppingly amazing/spectacular/beautiful.It is raw circus , its stars all being young street adults and teenagers from Columbia. The music and poetry are all hip hop and the dancing and acrobatics and mime and stuff was mind blowing, but beautiful and moving at the same time. I absolutely loved it

* Non hosp mini break

Thanks to Sarah brown I’ve had a 2 day *NHMB.She has been a star fending off all Gma’s 40 decibel questions about the patients in the other beds and keeping Grandma in instant cappuccinos,boiled sweets,chicken satay and mini cheddars- her favourites. Still not much progress on the physio front , which is causing a huge delay in her being discharged .sadly sarah flies back to Denmark tomo.

Set your videos to record ‘The Crimson Petal and the White’ tonight. A few years ago ,I suggested it for my book club to read. We loved it ( don’t blame me if it’s a bit naff on the TV ) .It’s by Michael Faber. We then went on to read another of his books -‘Under the Skin’ – .I loved it ,most hated it , but beware ,it is seriously weird.

keep em coming

The reinforcements have arrived…well my lovely neice Sarah from Denmark. Today she went to work-Heathrow-Denmark Hill- KCH hosp( where Florence and I meeted and greeted her and introduced her to everyone on Mathew Whiting Ward )- 106 …which means tomorrow I get a day off ( KCH not work ).

Sally you made me LOL – and The G loved your card.

Stu- wise words

Ryan – we have your rucksack

Any advice ?

Florence has a tricky decision to make …Brighton ,Leeds ,Lougborough or Glasgow. I thought she could tippex out the names of the charities on the boxes at the exit to Waitrose ,and when she gave out those little green plastic discs, she could ask the customers to drop them in the one they think she should go to.

Florence ,on the other hand ,has decided to consult her band of gurus- Elena, the guy that took the orders in drive-thru McDonalds, Kat’s Mum, Jacob, Jacob’s housemates, Jacob’s nearly-housemates ,Stolly,Izzy P. Ryan, Adam and Liz, the lady in the bed opposite Grandma .

We have just got back from hospital to find our special Richard C. fairy had been round and pruned our bush(es) .Huge Thanks.

Did buy some seviettes though

I’m struggling a bit at the moment .Sounds mean , but trekking to KCH Hosp everyday , trying to sound chipper and positive while being frontline to all Grandma’s anxieties is taking its toll. Hospitals are not easy places for us. Mind you she did make the patients laugh in her old ward ,as the porter wheeled her out to her new ,somewhat cramped and dark orthopaedic ward, she sang ‘wish me luck as you wave me goodbye’ at the top of her voice !

118 weeks ago ( yes I still count ) friends offered help , well if anyone still wants to offer I need some .Not only visiting Grandma, but to clean my pond out .I love my little pond , but it is filthy.It is not a quick job ..it has to be emptied ( back breaking ) , given a power wash ( you’ll be soaked ) , frogspawn saved and my precious frogs, put in a Bucket and given a wash ( rewarding ) . So please do get in touch if you can help with either of those joyous activities !

One thing I haven’t done is turn to my guru ( Jacob ) for advice . I say this as The other day ,while with Grandma we had a text conversation with Jacob .Grandma asked me to ask him ”what’s he going to be when he leaves college, his reply ”A nomad , a wanderer of the earth – spreading wisdom. ”

Last night Florence put her driving skills to the test .We shot off to Ikea, her first time doing 50 mph ,on a 3 lane carriageway ( didn’t sound so healthy in 3rd gear ) . Then we shot off to that well known initiation spot of new drivers – drive thru McDonalds. Pity we got in the wrong lane and shot past the ordering and the pick-up counters.How we did laugh …no tension in our car !

guess where I’m going today ?

After a fab morning watching, dancing and learning some moves to The Punjab’s ( well Ealing Music Services ) finest …Bollywood Brass band , I three trained it across London to KCH. Grandma had felt too breathless and weak to do her exercises and we all know what that means – no exercises-no mobility- no going home …so I introduced Bhangra to her and together we practiced her hand moves. Well it’s a start.

I had to run with ‘Glee’

What does one need after hosting an 18th birthday party and 6 evenings at Kings College Hospital ? To sit down and watch Fridays ‘ Embarrassing Bodies’ of course. I clicked onto it and our new virginbox told me I need parental consent to view this programme and that they needed to enter their pin number ……..

a) do you think Grandma would know it ?

b) does Richard Branson realise I am 53 ?

* something us finely tuned athletes have to put up with

Lorna ,you are so wrong ,and Sally, you are so right .They have knocked flossetts off my ‘Top 3 things to poke yourself with ‘ list . I urge you all to buy some- your gums’ll bleed like crazy the first time you use them, and then it’s bliss.

I prearranged with The Christine Brown Ward Staff , that I would get to Grandma as soon after work as poss ,to meet with the physio and OT , to ensure there would be NO telling them to go away . So I shot off after work , we liased, I watched , encouraged ( and was tempted to ask advice on my achilles tendonitis* ) and Grandma bent her right ( good ) knee and sort of shuffled to the edge of the bed , so she could dangle her legs over- this is huge progress.

Anyone else got a packet ?

Four days and one night in Christine Brown ( I have a cousin with that name in NZ ) Critical Care Ward, Kings College Hospital ,have been punctuated with a few treats and sadly, a cancellation of dinner chez Mandy’ & Chris’s( back too late and not feeling too chipper ). The few treats have been coffee with Kay , supper with Fiona, Coffee, cake and shed inspection at Pattie and Jim’s …and the discovery of TePe size 2 brushes – the best £ 3.89 ever spent .When you pull them out and see all the gunk you’ve been storing up , it’s a great feeling. If you can afford it , rush out and buy some .

The Grandmothers continue to gain strength. Nanny, went to mass this afternoon, while Grandma REFUSED to co-operate with the physio.

NOTE: I didn’t suggest Rosie or Florence drive me over there

John and I both got in late last night after visiting our Mums in their respective hospitals .John went for the red wine and cheese and cracker ( comfort ) option whereas ,I opted for The Coach Trip( got in there first with the remote ), rum and coke and ham and mustard buttie ( quick fix ) option. Then once we’d got our heads back to a place they could sort of focus we talked …and talked. I hit the sack first leaving John the remote control and his TV indulgence ‘The Shed Channel ( honest ).

Nanny is making steady progress. She is able to talk , laugh a bit and is blessed with a flow of visitors.It is still a long haul for her .

Grandmama was in ( not at the ) theatre when I got to her ward . I was in there for three and a half hours before she came back .So I kept myself busy- found out what everyone else was in for/read their notes/adjusted their drug charts/did obs/ emptied a few bedpans/ re-tiled the shower room / divided up The Quality Street in The Nurses Station into soft and hard centres etc etc.etc etc. In other words ,I had a lot of time to think …..and something odd came to me. Three years ago on Wed 18th March around 11am I was at work and I had a text from Rosie ,saying she’d passed her driving test. I was overjoyed. Rosie wasn’t the most natural of drivers and I seriously thought she might match Grandma’s score of 7th time lucky. Two hours later , my bubble burst , when Brigstock Manor phoned to say Grandma was in a bad way .She was in agony with her shingles,and the morphine she had taken , had sent her barking mad . My earlier euphoria was put on the back boiler ,and from work I shot straight over there.to try and calm her down …Three years and five days later , virtually the same thing happened .It was a Wednesday , I was at work ,Flo texted me at 4pm to say she’d passed her driving test,and at 6.30 ,Uplands phoned to say Grandma had broken her knee , so I shot over to Kings College to calm her down .Now is that me, or is that weird?

You might think about parking in the next road

When you’re at work ,worried about Nanny , worried about John worrying about Nanny ,plus trying to jump through an Ofsted inspectors hoop, the printers not working and you can’t find your kettle , what’s the last thing you need – a phone call from Uplands telling you that Grandma has had a fall and has gone to casualty.So last night , Florence and I shot over to Kings College Hospital where Grandma was waiting for a bed ,having been x rayed and found to have broken her knee. Once up on the ward ,Grandma got a bit confused and kept asking us why she was on the childrens’ ward. I could have forgiven her for asking if we were in The Sahara ,seeing us the woman in the chair opposite , was sitting with a stripy tea towel over her head and face !

The good news was Florence passed her driving test , with no near misses with any cyclists on The White Hart Roundabout.

So I’m just off to KC ( without his sunshine band ) Hosp , and after work Johns off to The QE hosp.

Stu , get texting ,we’ll sort out a date

All work and no play , makes Rachey a dull girl , so I didn’t take much persuading when Flo suggested afternoon tea , somewhere nice. So at 3pm , I left work , and we shot off to Henry VIII’s fave tearoom ( just nudged in ,in front of Cafe Nero ) and had a cream tea with a Maid of Honour chaser. After a pen-pushing/keyboard tapping/work mounting weekend, I feel I need treats …so now it’s time for a drink ( not mead ) and brain numbing TV( I loathed last weeks Christmas Glee, but loved Smithy & George Michael on Comic Relief ).

Did anyone hear Bob Wilson , the ex Arsenal footballer ,on Aled Jones radio prog , this morning ? He spoke beautifully about his daughter ,Anna, who died, and his subsequent fund raising. He is just about to embark on a huge cycle ride around the UK, punctuated by visits to football clubs. His daughter had cancer , she knew she was dying , and before she died she wrote him a farewell note ” I will see you again , but you will be old and wrinkly and I shall be young and beautiful !”.Although he is a non- believer ,her note made him laugh and gave him comfort. I don’t know one bereaved parent who does not cling on to that hope.

Plans scuppered

I was firing on 2 cylinders , when yesterday ,around 3.30, I had 2 texts telling me the joyous news that Ofsted are coming into school next week. So I have cancelled today’s coffee with a friend, a river walk and a pop in to The Watercolours at Tate Britain , and am going into work instead- can’t wait ?

** NOT a patch on John and Bobs

Yesterday ,at Uplands I experienced a trichotomy of sounds. First it was Louis in the room opposite ,playing Mozart’s Serenade No 13 in G major ( I asked him , I wasn’t playing ‘name that tune’ with Grandma ). Then it was The St Patrick’s Day Party with -singing live…..’Chiros’ -who I don’t think had never been to Ireland ,and was in fact from Athens . But he belted out a good Wild Rover**, Fields of Athenry, Is this the way to Amarillo and got us all up dancing to ‘Zorba’- sliding neatly east from Ireland towards Greece.Then Alouiscious kindly gave me a lift to Brixton , and I was introduced to the sound of Yami Bolo, belted out of 6 speakers.

Nanny

John’s Mum, affectionately known as Nanny to all her Grandchildren, had a big operation today, to remove a tumour from her bowel . She is doing well and has just been transferred from recovery to a ward.We send her love and strength.

beware the Ides of March

Thank you to everyone who got in touch yesterday – sadly Grandma seemed to overlook in was her youngest child’s birthday and only phoned up to ask me whether she she should get ready for bed , as she was expecting cousin Robert and Louise en route to rent out some ski wear ( not for her ).As it was only 6pm , I suggested she stayed fully clothed.

The course was fab yesterday – it meant a mini lie in, a seat and a morning paper on the tube, lunch and then workshops on how to explore The Tate Mod , using all 5 senses. Months ago Jacob waxed lyrically about an exhibition tour thingy , at The Whitechapel Gallery by the artist Janet Cardiff…well yesterday we had to use a dictophone ( steady Georgina ) and make a similar (recording of our voices ) to Janet Cardiff’s thing ,a sensory noise tour of a small part of The Tate , being educationally inclined- my group chose the cafe !

In my lunch hour I managed to squeeze in a flying visit to The Gabriel Orozco exhibition. His last piece ‘Lintels’ reminded me of Geoffrey. He’d hung pieces made of lint formed of the skin, hair and fabric that accumulates in the filters of launderette tumble driers. Geoffrey made the cleaning out of those ,as one of my jobs to do on a Sat. morning.

Then once home ,Florence cooked us an amazing meal – Ottoleghi’s warm fried halloumi, chicory, pomegranate and walnut salad with seared tuna. Of course we missed Jacob and made a toast to Rosie- sad sad sad

I might have to avoid looking out the window

Priceless ‘One born every Minute tonight’. Nancy couldn’t find her chair and then one expectant father when asked by his partner , if he wanted to go with her for her caesarian , replied ” I don’t think I can bear seeing you being diced and sliced”…..what a charmer .

Took my year 7’s to The Wetlands Centre today and we held the biggest birds egg in the world . It was like an extra extra large rugby ball and the Elephant Bird from Mozambique laid it. I was well impressed , until I was told it was a replica ,and The Elephant Bird has been extinct for years ( and I was hoping to see it just behind the picnic area ).

On a course ‘Without Walls’ a la Tate Mod tomo..right next to The wibbly wobbly bridge, where not weeks before she died, Rosie told us was where she got her favourite view in London.

When I was about 16 , my friends bought me ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ , I loathed it and would much rather have had ‘The Partridge family Album’.

Claire and Bobby took us to see a lovely little show last night -‘Woody Sez’- all about the life and music of Woody Guthrie ( anyone under 50 , ask your parents or click that google button ). It was fab. The music was happy tho he had a dam sad life – all his relatives seemed to die in fires. Of course ,now, a theatre visit is not complete without a ‘star-spot’, and last night it was the turn of Dave Gilmour ( ….as above ..parents/google), to be given the Dwyer nudge/gawp/stare and general wonderment treatment . We even went one step further with this one and had him sitting next to John ( whose whistling of ‘We don’t need no education ‘throughout the performance , did nothing to enhance Woody’s vocals ).

We are off to see Nanny today , who sadly , is not very well.

I think they should ditch the red nose and get a new logo

Normally I hate those comic relief things with celebs getting down and dirty with the ‘poor people’ , while still courting the camera and trying to make themselves look cool and caring ( Billy Connolly springs to mind ).But on Thursday ,I was blown away by ‘ Comic Relief: Famous ,Rich and in The Slums’.Lenny Henry,Samantha Womack,Reggie Yates and Angela Rippon moved in with 4 families to experience their lives in Kibera , the slums on the edge of Nairobi,Kenya. I urge you to watch it .I’m not saying The Children of The Southend Academy live in such terrible conditions, but you can see how hard it is for these kids as orphans , to be left with virtually nothing , and then left to fend for themselves.They all have a right to be educated and given food, warmth, security and shelter and they must always feel they have a voice. Everyone deserves a voice.

Help …if you’re passing and you have one at home

You know that old saying ‘you can’t teach an old bag new tricks’ , well today that applies to me. We’ve finally relinquished all ties with Rupert Murdoch ( ie got rid of Sky ) and instead ,are lining poor Richard Branson’s pockets ( ie ,had Virgin installed ). I’ve worked out how to 1.turn it on 2.pause. 3. record Embarrassing Bodies , and now I’m stuck .If it means reading a manual – forget it , I’ll stick with the pressing buttons, turning it off and on , and getting the hump.

Took Grandmama to the Rookery for lunch today .I think I’ve told you of the notoriety of the top densely wooded part of Streatham Common we have to walk through to get to the cafe. Well , when we got back to Uplands and Arthur , The Manager , asked The G. where we had been , she told him ‘Porno Park’.( honest )

Anyone watching’Coach Trip’ ? It’s all kicking off

We went to the theatre last night to see the fab ‘The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling bee’. Hawkeye Sarah spotted Christopher Biggins in the audience ( Oh no she didn’t ) , and within 5 minutes he was hauled up on stage to be one of the 4 extra- jo-public-spelling bee contestants (thank God we were sitting up high in the cheap seats- so no chance of getting picked). He wasn’t as good looking as Dawn French, but less sweaty than when he was in the kitchen on ”Come Dine………”

Went walking in The Chess Valley today, got overtaken by the local over 80’s ramblers soc.

Last South Riding tonight

While John and Bobby F bonded over the Dorney Dualthon ( both doing amazingly well, and John managing NOT to follow a random cyclist , veer off the course and onto the street, thus adding 4.8 minutes to his time , like last year) , Florence and I bonded over breakfast in Papillion and High Tea in this trendy ( apart from me ) , vintagey ( me being the oldest and genuine article ) tea shop just off Brick Lane . Just another manic Sunday.

They are such clever little gadgets,John and I bought Rosie her beautiful little green one for Christmas 2007

Apart from doing the usual …….. exercise – of the Grandmama buttock clenching variety , walking – Bushy park with Jane H., Richmond Park with Mary M., coffee- with Christian at the newly named ‘Riverside Cafe’ – tricky one as it used to be called ‘Grounds Cafe ‘, and so Christian spent 25 minutes looking for it, supper – with Sarah C……I have learned to use Rosie’s ipod. I’m not as ubercool as to stick things in my ears wear it as I ride a bike ( I haven’t actually got a bike ), but I do listen to it when I’m in the kitchen. I have it on shuffle , so there’s always a bit of scary anticipation as to the next song , will I be able to cope with it ? Today I was dong OK , jigging along to Christie Moore, belting it out with Elvis, lamenting with Pete Doherty and then on came” All kinds of everything” by Dana…..so I gave Rosie a severe telling off for her bad taste and switched Dale Winton on Radio 2 instead.

Farewell Hannah and Jack

Thank you to Claire and Bob for going to , and then sending us your photo of you two at The Isis. They get extra points for being in the club of ‘having a photo without it looking that The Isis is pecking one of their heads’. The photo is beautiful ,I have printed it ( still beautiful) , added the printed one to my album and then , with the right-click of a button transformed it into our new screen saver….at which point ,it became not-quite-so-beautiful as DELL made them loose 18″ off their height, and cruelly added it onto their waistlines. C&B if you’re passing , do pop in and see it.

MTG

A friend of mine, another bereavement parent, who sees a therapist , told me her therapist calls those times when the rug is taken from under our feet , as a ‘mind the gap ‘ moment.You never know when it’s going to hit you – it can be anything , a smell, a word, a song , a sight, a place, a taste etc . Somedays they happen a lot ,other days, hardly at all .But they all take me straight into a place with Rosie in my head, heart and soul. A place where I sink into my own thoughts and so want to run away from the place I am actually in . Of course I cannot do this , so I contain my emotions , my head goes slightly crazy and I try and act as ‘normal’ as is possible. I believe this is one of the reasons why grief is so tiring – Not only do you yearn for your loved one, but you are often thrown into a very sad and disturbing place, without any warning. There is no formula as to what or when or how these MTG moments will hit me .This afternoon at work I experienced a massive one.

This week ,at the end of everyday,the whole school are meeting in the hall to celebrate ‘Music Week’. It is lovely – a really positive , happy atmosphere, anticipating and then enjoying some staff or students performing some live music.Today a teacher was playing 2 numbers on the piano. His first piece was ‘Circle of Life’.-needs no explanation. His second was ‘ Send in the Clowns’- which was one of Jane’s all time favourites- and between us , we used to murder.

We don’t feel good about it

Jacob, the penny has just dropped as to what the stand-up is . I think it was you arranging for us to meet Titiana in the pub later on on the Saturday night .Then us , apres our spareribs,noodles etc, plus me being sidetracked by all the entertainment that is Newcastle City centre on a Sat night ( I have never seen so many people wearing so few clothes, so much fake tan and unable to walk in their shoes – and that was just the Newcastle United supporters ), going back to your house ,cosying up and then until you got that text , forgetting we were meant to be somewhere else ie. in The Cumberland Arms, where Titiana had just finished her ( solitary) first ( and last ) pint while waiting for us.

I love that city

While John and Richard are cheering Ireland on at Murrayfield, I am writing a ( Marty Feldman ) whistle-stop snapshot of my weekend in Newcastle. BA flight- we love them , get your own seat ,Whisky and a ‘non-guilty cos its free’, Daily Mail. Met by J Junior and we shot off to his Art College and for a short while I pretended I was a Newcastle Uni Art Student – made a mess, posed nude for a calender , created something beautiful ( no reference to the calender ) , chatted , took photos , drew a couple of lines ,etc etc. Then Liam , Jacob and I took the train out to Prudoe , in the Northumberland countryside- delic pub lunch , choice of 16 real local ales ( so I opted for the Portuguese lager ) , then a river walk. All fine , til we realised we were on the wrong side of the path and so had to jump a small river – with the aid of Liam and Jacob’s outstretched hands , a couple of logs and a lot of trust ,I did it. Then more drinkies at next village , a train back , a fab welcome at Jacob’s house , a trip to Morrisons ( drinks and puddings aisle )and then Bryony cooked an amazing roast pork dinner for 11 of us.

On Sat, Jacob,Titiana ( daughter of lederhosen, beer writing , Dad ) and I got the train to Berwick on Tweed .It was stunning .The sun shone and we walked to the lighthouse, saw seals , saw the spot where Liam was carried over the sand dunes, walked along the beach, rockpooled, carried walking on along around the headland, up the cliff, and into the pub , where we played scrabble and ‘pass the pigs’ , until Jacob sabotaged it , by loosing on of the pigs ( he claims it was an accident BUT he was loosing ). The train back to Newcastle, a Chinese feast and back to cosy up chez his.

Said farewells this morn , then we went and saw The George Shaw and Jesper Just exhibitions at The Baltic, a scooby snack in The Sage .Said another farewell ( I loathe goodbyes ) and jetted home .As soon as Flo is home we are going out for supper, that will be a lovely hello – Phew

* makes a change

I don’t mind stuff – clearing up bodily fluids, talking about BF when we’re eating ( not a popular choice of topic ), gory stuff, watching in HD ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ etc etc ,but today my squeamishometer went off the scale. Because we couldn’t transfer Grandma from her wheelchair onto the bed ( by God we tried, but with no hoist and with only me allowed to lift , it was a no no ), so in the end I had to help her to sit propped in the chair while they did the procedure,which was an injection of Lucentis into her eyeball. .Once I’d got up from the floor ,and drank the coffee ( they had made for her ) , I was alright , thank-you .Grandma, was amazing – she didn’t moan once*.Only 2 more to go .

I’ve got my dark glasses at the ready

Have seen stuff this week – ‘Rabbit Hole’ – the film ,our friend Kate MccGuire’s AMAZING exhibition ‘Host’ at Pertwee Anderson and Gold, 15 Bateman Street,Soho,W1D 3AQ- Do go and see it , Florence helped trim the feathers for the beautiful ‘Slick’…….Have eaten stuff- ‘Grandma’s Special Day ‘Filipino chicken curry and noodles, Henley on Thames’s finest moules and frites…….. Have been to beautiful places – Temple Island, Hambledon Lock, Old Compton Street etc etc and today is the piece de resistance ( look away now Ann ) , I am taking Grandma to Moorfields at mayday Hosp for an injection into her eye.

But tomorrow I am jetting off to the sun ….Newcastle !

XXX

Sending love and strength to Nanny, who is not very well , and very worried , at the moment x

We have a beautiful painting of the first photo of Rosie ,sitting on the Kitchen table.Eden K. did it

Dear Georgina,I’m so glad your friend looks at Rosie’s website- It lifts my heart when I know people are still interested and haven’t forgotton her . You know how much I love those photos of you and her ( wearing Flo’s wonderful vintage prom dress- either before or after she ripped the hem down so it would fit her better ! ) in that hotel .You both look so happy and beautiful.

It’s funny you should mention your friend, last week I had an email from a local lady and mother of 2 Elthorne students. her name is Clare , and she too looks at Rosie’s website. We have never met , but she sent a lovely email .It is always good to know people care .

Whats it like in Padua ? Its pi****G down here! Remember all those trudges we did in the rain – there was always a good lunch at the end ?

Thanks Bert. I can’t remember the photo of Rosie on the swing.That was in Grandma’s garden , we played on it for hours when we were kids.

It is national chip week , and so to mark this occasion, Ali, Andy, Alfie, John and I did a huge romp around Rosie’s Woods and then went into ‘The Hit Or Miss’ and ate loads of them. John and I met up with the Jinmans after one of our last sessions at the Child bereavement Charity , and so we were like washed out dishcloths and by saying that ,I realise I am doing a huge dis -service to dishcloths.

26months tomorrow

Emotionally ,this has been a bit of a roller coaster of a weekend. Friday night was a high point , then on Saturday morning , I took myself to Rosie’s plaque at the Isis. It was raining , bleak , but I sat and talked to her and told her about my previous night. I laughed , cried , took a photo of myself ( like I’ve asked everyone else to do ) and was asked by a lovely Guyanan man , if I needed any help . Of course I didn’t give the obvious answer , but smiled ,told him about Rosie and then went and had a cappuccino. I then walked into St Mary Abbots Church and lit a candle for Rosie , and Lorna’s Sister,Marie. Then the text came, Imran had died- all too dam sad.

So to keep myself busy, I made soup for lunch with John and Flo, went out for coffee with Celia and then Fiona and I went up to The Menier Chocolate Factory to eat , drink and watch Ruby Wax and Judith Owen’s show/dialogue/ Q&A session , about depression. It was fabulous , and actually made me feel quite normal and not so alone.My distraction therapy went up a notch , when Fiona nudged me as we were following Dawn French into our row. Geraldine Grainger was sitting 2 seats away from me !

I’m just listening to Lawrence Dallaglio talk about the death of his 19year old sister,Francesca- what a tragedy.

Soupy this afternoon.

UGT- I have the badge and certificate to prove it

My words cannot do justice to UGT.The hall was packed, the stage was set ,the atmosphere was electric , (helped by the fact the bar had been open since 5pm) Grandma and her friend Del were in the front row and I was on the judges table. I was sandwiched between the other lovely judges , Paddy , a 92 year old Irish male resident, whose scoring was erratic and his post-act comments were to the point e.g. ”I wish I was younger” and ”you sound like me coming home from the pub after a few pints ” and Jonathan , a very beautiful,gentle, male ,Filipino model, who told me he was a special friend of someone who worked there.

There were 10 acts. One lady ,Alice, with quite severe dementia , showed the beautiful portraits she had painted ( very moving ), Grandma recited ‘There was a lady all skin and bones'( very scary ). In my judges comments I did point out that while other children were having Flopsy Bunny type bedtime stories , I was listening to this kind of stuff.One residents’ 2 children sang separately ‘heal the world ‘ and ‘The sun’ll come out tomorrow’ ( very sweet…and brave ), another resident , now in her nineties read a poem she had written when she was 7 , just after her father had died ( very poignant and beautiful ) and then the staff came on . They were brilliant, Uplands really has got talent .We had Burmese dancing , beautiful folk singing, belted out ballads, passionate gospel singing, but for me the hi-light was ‘Shula and her girls’.Now where do I start ? OK , there were 3 beautiful young Filipino girls wearing black leggings and T-shirts, and adorned in pink sarongs and covered in jewels, hiding their faces behind pink fans and dancing around an older , larger male Filipino guy in drag. It was hysterical. The audience went wild. If people could have got out of there wheelchairs , I’m sure they would have got a standing ovation. Due to Paddy’s erratic scoring , Josephine the Nurse won , for her amazing , belted out gospel song .

By 9.30. it was over, Grandma was pooped and retired to her bed, but we were all invited to stay on and party, to celebrate the fact that Uplands had ,that day, received it’s Beacon Award for ‘End of Life’ Care. There’s an irony there somewhere.

How can I catch Mon,Tues & Weds ?

And I thought you were my friends ……I answer texts , emails , read your comments ( the phones a bit dodgey – still hate it ) ,and yet with all these lines of communication open,no-one told me …………Four days in and I’ve just discovered that the new series of ‘Coach trip’ started on Monday. I can’t even catch it on ‘4 on demand’ as that will only play todays episode and I’ve made sure I’ve skyboxed/series linked it etc. Move over Phil , Brendans back.

RE: BFGW – loved the cake – so understated

A big yes to all 4 requests, but Adam I’ll only wear the dress if its like one of the brides ones in ‘ Big fat gypsy Weddings ‘ ( although I draw the line at the one with 400 lights sewn in , and the bridesmaid had to carry a fire extinguisher ). Would you come round first to apply the fake-tan..and lashes ..and tattoos ( and that’s just for Grandma ).She’s just phoned to say she’s given up on the routine with the fireman’s pole and resorted to plan B, her tin soldier poem , or the one she used to recite when I was little ”there was a lady all skin and bones”…….It used to scare me half witless and I could never get to sleep afterwards ( explains a lot ).

Hannah is over from Jersey

It’s sort of going round in my head ,when do I stop writing this thing ? I desperately want people to look at Rosie’s website and I love it when there’s a little comment in the box, BUT ,I fear I am danger of repeating myself. I was going to write about John and my beautiful ,rain soaked , Child Bereavement Charity ,snowdrop walk around The National Trust Gardens of West Wycombe House, but you heard all about that one year ago.So instead I’ll tell you the latest news- I won contract whist last night chez Kay & Winstons, we have roast lamb for dinner, Ann and Ian are saving our screen and as I type Hannah Quenault is lost in Hyde Park , looking for Rosie’s Plaque !

WOW

Had my second letter from Africa in a week. My Brother , Richard, has only done the world’s highest bungy jump at Bloukrans.

Then we went to Hornimans Museum , but it was lashing it down ,we couldn’t find the disabled parking and so went to Macdonalds Drive Thro

Grandma and I have our little Thursday ritual, I get there, she asks me where something is ( normally I have NO idea , but say it’s in the loft and I’ll bring it next week ), then she says hello , then she has an instant cappuccino ( very cosmopolitan ) and if I’ve remembered , a custard tart , then I hear about her aches and pains ( that takes us till around lunchtime ), then I read her mail , put away her shopping, water her plants , talk to the other residents, get her on the bed- bark her exercises to her, re-tune her radio to LBC ( which by now is on the Bhangra Station and she’s completely confused ), tell her how John and Florence are, hear who has died in the home, do beauty ( nails,lipstick,perfume… and don’t ask about the rest ), tell her about my week ( max- 2 minutes ) ….then we phone Jacob . Yesterday he was very busy as him and Liam were manning ‘The Fine Art Cafe’, to raise funds for their degree show .I asked him what they were selling ? Home made cakes .How many had he made ? None. How many had he tasted? Most of them. He then went onto tell me how the previous night he had had supper with friends who had an Austrian (Erasmus )student staying with them. Her parents had come to stay ,and had invited him and some others over for a home cooked Austrian meal . All fine and dandy ,until the dad appeared wearing lederhosen .Apparently he has worn them for the last 20years. Jacob said he couldn’t give any of his friends eye contact for fear of exploding. He made Grandma and I laugh.

Caren

When Rosie died , I decided to personally sponser a young Kenyan girl through secondary education .Although I did this through Ace, it is not part of Rosie’s charity. I did it for her from me and Rosie . John and jacob were lucky to meet her and her brother and sister when they were in kenya.she was gentle, shy and positive. Yesterday ,I received this letter from Caren, I thought you might like to read it.

I don’t care what grades Caren gets , as long as she is happy,safe and healthy and haschoices in her life

Dear Rachel, I hope you are fine.For me the year 2010 was a success and am glad it ended fairly well .I hope this years will be a blessing too.

This term I tried my level best and attained a B which has motivated me to work even harder because I know this is not my best .What I promise you is that next term am gonna get something far off better than a mere B. I also hope that my school is going to perform well in last years KCSE exams whose results will be out by the beginning of February.

All I can say to you is thank you so much .I promise to show my gratitude with a better grade which is A because words cannot really show how much thankful I am.May God add you more energy for you to continue with life so that you may live to see the fruits of your labour.

Lastly,pass my regards to Jacob and John.Tell them I long to seeing them.I also long to meet you too,greet your friends and other family members.

Have a happy and prosperous New Year 2011,

Bye Bye, Yours faifully.Caren Wanjala, St.Cecilia Girls School Webuye,KENYA

I don’t care what grades caren gets as long as she is safe , happy and has the choices we are lucky enough to have.

When Rosie died, I decided I wanted to help another young female to get choices and opportunities they wouldn’t normally have. So through Ace, but with nothing to do with Rosie’s charity, I sponsor a young woman to be boarding school educated in Kenya. Her name is Caren . John and Jacob were lucky enough to meet her and her brother and sister when they were in Bungoma. They both said she was incredibly shy, had had a tough life and at the same time conveyed gentleness and a positive ,hopeful outlook.

This time last year you were all in Istanbul

Oh Stu, Rosie is the only person I know that not only drank her cocktail, but ate all the bits in it – mint,ice,orange( incl peel ) and then would shove her hand in my glass and eat my bits ( normally before I’d even finished drinking it ).

Tonight we are hosting an evening of homage to Derek Batey AKA the compere of the Infamous ‘Mr and Mrs ‘ gameshow, the contestants being Mandy & Chris , Fiona & Trevor and us two. John and I have been practicing all day and I now know everything about him , which sock he puts on first in the morning , which is his most used tool, what’s his favourite jacket potato filling etc etc . We are bound to win ( not ) .

Nine times out of ten,mines a long Island Iced Tea

Ooh Stu where do you go ? I remember Rosie and I sitting in Balans, Old Compton Street, it was early evening August 2008 .We weren’t long back from Spain and Rosie had come up to town with me as my Swatch had broken on holiday and I was taking it back. She was glowing .It took her an age to chose a cocktail , then about 3 minutes to down it ! ( then try and finish off mine )

Rosie LOVED London

In 1777, Samuel Johnson wrote “when a man is tired of London , he is tired of life”, by God I agree with him – it is a wonderful city. Apart from nearly getting knocked down by about 200 Harley Davidsons who were whizzing round Trafalgar square , as part of a big rally ( I guess ) , last night was lovely .Sarah and I went to see ‘End of The rainbow’ a happy little number about the drink and drug fuelled decline of Judy Garland. Tracey Bennett can sure belt out a number. Then today Bev and I dined out in Skylon in the Royal Festival Hall.We had a fabulous window table , overlooking The Thames, Parliament, The Savoy ,PWC,Yo Sushi ( and with my periscope- The London Eye ) etc. Old padlock pockets here had her ES Offer ( 3 courses and a glass of fizz for £20 ). We put our bums to anchor at 12 and didn’t get up til 6pm , by which time the sun had set and all the twinkly lights had come on and we’d exhausted the cocktail list. It was like being on holiday.

Lets move to Southampton

Thank God for Nancy , as I was all of a dither today , and she made me laugh. This morning was like all the 21sts of the month when I click on Rosie’s website, and have to brace myself for whatever photos Bert has chosen .They never fail to move me, and I am still in shock that I’ll never see her again ( when someone says ”have you moved on ?”, I want to punch them .).Well it was like that with my new calendar that John made for me for Christmas . In every one of the 12 photos ,Rosie radiates happiness, beauty and health. John gave it to me on Christmas day ,I looked briefly at all the photos and then couldn’t bear to open it til last Sunday , so I faced January and February in 2 days .Just the turning of a page can turn my grief into an overwhelming pain that drags my body ,mind and soul into a place I hope you never have to go ..and as for the fatigue…feeling sad is truly exhausting. So last night Flo and I sat down to ‘one Born every minute ‘ and 2 things happened .I fell in love with the male midwife and I felt I got to know Nancy a bit better. She shops at TK max and M&S , has 2 children ( one turned at 38 weeks- physically not sexually ) , she’s worked there 9 years and she managed to make the most irritating pregnant woman( who wouldn’t keep her hands off her husband and kept referring to Dirty Dancing ), laugh

To all who donated , thank -you .This is where your money has gone

Thanks to Jacob and Bert , the video of The Southend Academy and Rosie Dwyer’s Artroom is now on her website .

Please go to

Cycle kenya 2010…..Scroll down to Southend Academy-link to video , you might have to refresh ( not personally , but it’s never a bad idea ), press F5 , then wait as it takes a couple of minutes to load up…..then watch and think of her.

Lorna, need anymore superglue ?

Lorna, how are we going to make the wheelchair spin / will pop socks do ( I hate a tight gusset )/how about a forward roly poly instead of a lift ?

Adam – thanks for that top lunchtime tip . That’s a definite new Thursday lunchtime eaterie for The G and me ….so if ever you are around ??

Now , back to Grandma- she really is sharp as a knife. Lorna , do you remember her telling us how she’d listened to a thing on the radio about Lional Logue , George VI’s speech therapist ,who was featured in the film ‘The King’s Speech’ and she thought he was the brother of Prof Logue , Jane’s Neurosurgeon ? Well last night as I was watching , I worked out he was too young to be Lionel’s brother , but he could possibly have been his son . So before the credits came up ( you know how fast they roll sometimes ) . I whispered (?) to john to look for out for the name Valentine Logue , and low and behold his name popped up ,so yes he was Jane’s surgeon to be .

So for me that film was weird on 2 counts….1) cos I’d met one of the characters albeit when I was 13 and he was 60 and b) That amazing exhibition ,Vanitas, that Florence and I were invited to the private view of as Flo had helped Kate MccGwire with some of her beautiful work, was held in 33 Portland Place, the rooms that were used in the film as Logue’s consulting rooms. All weird stuff.

Going to see ‘Salad Days’ this afternoon . Anything telling you here , I don’t risk letting my head get too empty esp at weekends ?

Sally, Grandma is 90 on the 3rd May

Lorna and I bowled up to Grandma’s place yesterday and we neally didn’t recognise it , as hanging over the door is a huge banner’ Uplands Got Talent Grand Final on 18 feb at 6.30.’ Don’t worry , just because we weren’t there for the heats doesn’t mean we can’t enter . So we’ve ordered the mini ice-rink and are perfecting our moves ( inspired by Blades of Glory ) to Ravel’s Bolero.

You’ve probably sussed by now the stuff that positively distracts my sad old scrambled brain- being with J,J & F / musicals / easy to understand, fast moving theatre or film / walking/ more walking esp if it involes a pub lunch or a good picnic /the sea/ water/ finding new places ( Lambeth Palace gardens and cafe are on the list )/being with fam and friends who talk about Rosie , share their vulnerabilities, cry and laugh with us / playing games /getting a virgin copy of the Evening Standard/ Old folk/my students …but there is one thing I’ve missed off – magic – I Love it . For my 40th Birthday celebration John cooked up a mean Greek lamb casserole, we had friends round , and they all had to bring a magic trick to perform after the meal , it was brill .( I even remember Christine bringing her own coffee table as she didn’t know if we had one ). Well last night I took a friend to ‘Conjuring at the Court’ .Its at a local pub and has the same format as a comedy night , but with magicians. I persuaded her it was fine to sit in the front row , and of course we were safe . The first act came on , and who did they pick , but her . She was their mind-reading prop and was centre stage for about 10 minutes . I hope her mouthing obscenities to me , didn’t spoil their act !

Seeing ‘The King’s Speech’ tonight.

It means a lot to us when you visit Rosie’s plaque, please keep going

We’ve had our most far flung visitors to The Isis and Rosie’s plaque- Mary and Rick from Brum . So sadly Jane, Roy , Carol,Roger,Jen and Trev, your screen saver has been gazumped. As was Stu, Anna, Holly,Jo,Rachel and Nikki, who were knocked off by Lynn ,Emma and Martin….and we still await the photo of Ann, Ian and Little Mart ( fixer of all things video related – when the SOC wanted to watch something and couldn’t make the techy stuff work ,he was even made wake from his slumbers to sort out their problems- I hope they thanked him ).

Today Lorna is joining me for her first visit to Uplands ( by 11.45, she’ll have put her name down ) and hopefully, by 1.45 we will have booked the venue for Grandmama’s 90th Birthday Bash.

I’m just going to drape myself over it

Oh Ian , thank you for your lovely invite and your top-lemon curd-tip. Yes we shall come and stay in Sheffield ( I love that city ,and your family and The Peaks and the people and the pubs and the hills and uncle Sams burgers and the Nursery Taverns roast pork and cracking butties etc etc ). My lemon curd came courtesy of a friend who was given it by a pupil in her class. it was either me or the school tombola ……and that wouldn’t have been fair on a year 2 kid !

I’ve always wanted one ,now at the age of 52 I’ve got one – a Chaise Longue . It is beautiful .Hand-made, bespoke, original, Scandinavian in style and in my favourite colours , those of the sea and sky, blue and white.It takes pride of place next to Rosie’s portrait .And best of all ,Florence made it.

Helen C. this ones for you

Nancy excelled herself last night.She watched about 10 midwives run past her , and just as they turned the corner , shouted that the emergency was the other way.So 5 seconds later they all shot past her again.It would have only been better ,if she’d been eating or putting her make up on

Foodie talk

I’ve re-discovered lemon curd.

For the first time tonight ( courtesy of Ealing Farmers Market ) we are trying red curly kale – smells like stale seaweed- can’t wait .

I’ve appeared on stage at the Barbican in 2000

Three lots of culture in as many days . On Thursday it was poetry reading at Uplands. The 7 of us had a drink from the bar , and then read various poems .Mine was ‘The Pobble who had no toes’. Grandmama can’t see to read , so recited an eight verse stanza about a tin soldier. We then discussed the poems . The discussion lasted around 3 seconds until we moved onto the merits of a portable oxygen cylinder . Then last night Richard and Sarah took us to see ‘Roald Dahl’s twisted tales’- all spooky stuff , but with no sign of a scantily clad woman gyrating behind a screen, to that iconic music ( Rosie’s friends , you’ll be too young to remember this ), although there was a close moment when Sarah too her coat off in the Thai restaurant afterwards.

Then tonight its Black Watch at The Barbican- I remember when the kids were little we used to feed the fish there.

All beautiful happy photos

25 long months.

Last night I was reading an article in The Sunday Times News Review section ( and I used to be a relatively fast reader ). It was the tragic story 38 yr old woman .Justine, whose husband had died and then she was diagnosed with terminal cervical cancer. She died not long after .They had 5 children.The article was about how her sister is now bringing up her five children , as well as her own two. Before she died , Justine prepared her children as well as she could , writing to them , making memory boxes etc. A snippet of what she wrote to her best friend touched me ”We will miss them everyday, like they miss us- we are only a thought away.To keep the memory of us alive, talk about us every day like we are still here and do the normal things we used to do………………”

I hope we are doing this for you Rosie

I wish I was

Tonight we went to a Mass said for Rosie, at Ealing Abbey. It was very moving and beautiful.Thank you to Ann H. for organising it and to our friends who came.

Sometimes I think I’m dreaming all this.

It’s great when it works

Today was going quite well. it was one of my lovely students 18th Birthday , so this afternoon I jigged around to Black Eyed Peas , Justin Bieber, Beyonce etc, helped her cut the cake , led the singing to Olde Stevie Wonder, and felt blessed with my job ( no paperwork involved in 18th Birthday parties ). Then I came home and my new shopping buddy, Amazon ,had dropped a little treat on my mat . It was the soundtrack to the fab fab fab film ‘Once’ .I would have ordered it years ago , but I couldn’t remember it’s title and I can’t bear to read my diaries from before Rosie died.( so thank you to Claire , who remembered it for me ). Then Andy J. popped in for a cuppa, then Michael popped in for a drink, then we had supper , then I sat down to watch last nights Glee, and everyone had gone green and had lost their voice….’Sky’ is playing up. I was so looking forward to a dose of Sue Sylvester, whatever her colour

Rosie loved to dance…and laugh

Sundays continue to be hard and sad. I try and keep as busy as possible and fill every waking moment . This morning was weird. I did my usual Sunday thing. Wake-up, get up , go downstairs , radio 2 on, kettle on ( sometimes alka seltzer dropped into water ), coffee made, jobs start .

This morning Aled stopped me in my tracks . He played Pachabel’s Canon. This was the piece of music we played for Jane at the beginning of her funeral. I chose it as she loved that piece.It wasn’t cos she was a classical music buff , but together we had watched a drama series about Australian men going to fight in Vietnam , and Pachabel’s Canon , was the theme tune and together we fell in love with the music. It was tough hearing it, unprepared, in fact it cracked me up. Then Aled interviewed Michael Meacher, about his beliefs , he is an Agnostic and has written a book ”Destination of the Species- The Riddle of human Existence”. Aled said good-bye to Michael and then immediately played ”Circle of Life”. By now I was on my knees. We chose that piece for the end of Rosie’s funeral , as a) she loved it b) we loved it , but mainly for c) she had recently danced to it , in an extremely happy state on Matt Hurst’s kitchen table,along with Stu ,Holly,Joe C. Joe T.( who took his shirt off , hence the reason they were all hysterical ) and a couple of others, and we had seen the video. She was lucky to have such wonderful friends.

I think he died of syphilis- The Tate didn’t mentioned that

I’ve come to the conclusion Gauguin was a dirty old man- loved some of his paintings though . My favourites were the landscapes he painted around Pont Aven in Brittany.His colours were vivid and beautiful .Once he moved to Tahiti , he painted more landscapes , which I thought looked identical to the French ones ! (I get the feeling he moved there for the mostly naked young women )

I guess I loved The Pont Aven ones as we went there – all of us …Jane ,Rosie, Grandma , 2 of Jane’s volunteers, John, Jacob,Florence and moi. It must have been around 1995 .We stayed in this most amazing farmhouse with a huge garden , everyone thought we were part of a ‘group home ‘- til I told them we were actually a family. We picnic’ d on the bank of the river in Pont Aven- it was lovely and happy and we were all so dam positive.

Dined a la Sarah and Richard’s pad last night and now I’m off to The Tricycle Theatre to see ‘Midsummer’ – a play with songs – all good for my scrambled brain.

It was a bit like that scene in Airplane

Helen C , I love Nancy and was a bit disappointed that there were no shots of her tucking into some tasty morsel.( and I’m not talking about an expectant father ). But ,in this episode the screaming and the swearing and men talking about crazy things and patronising midwifes ,surpassed itself .

Dined with Rose and Grandmama in room 29 , Uplands Care Home, today. We all tucked into prawn and cress butties and they both had a large brandy and coke. Poor Rose nearly met her maker when I tripped over her oxygen line, en route to the loo , and Grandma didn’t hear her wheezing .Thank God for Priscilla The Housekeeper who had only popped in to empty the bin.

Anyone got a knitting pattern for mittens?

I’m even boring myself

My hi-lights of the week so far…… are the return of Glee and One born every minute and also ,spending last night laticing cucumber,rubbery cheese,cheap ham and bread ( ask Florence ).

I’m puzzled

Who is this ‘mystery , famous-person, comment-making impersonator’ ? AF ??

Florence is home and Jacob is away.

Breaded Magic Mushrooms ?

Talking of Penn and Teller, last nights show was like a scaled down version of their act , combined with lots of jiggery-pokery, special effects and farce. Plus a dam good old English supper before. I love The Menier Chocolate Factory , they always do a pre-show supper themed to the performance .I wonder what they’ll serve up in Feb , when I see Ruby Wax and Judith Owen doing a show about depression ?

Did anyone see Penn and Teller last night ?

What do you do ,when you unexpectedly find yourself with a free Sat ( walking/talking buddy has the flu ) ?

Clear out the loft of course. God, we came across a load of old junk – most of which we dusted and put back ( except The Scaletrix , we left that out ). But the thing that effected me the most , was Rosie’s little dog on wheels that she used to push around when she was about 2 . I’m pretty sure Helen had one too.It is a lovely toy ( shame it’s back is now concave from where Jacob used to sit on it and Rosie would try to push them both ) and I can see her with it – breaks my dam heart.

We are celebrating Bobby’s Big Birthday this evening by going for supper and to see’ The Invisible Man ‘- lets hope it’s a bit better than that darn awful play I subjected Sarah too ( I think the post production double rum and cokes numbed the pain ). He is an amazing , caring, lovely friend who has done more than just stuck with us – he has carried us a lot of the way.

I watch plenty of other rubbish though

I don’t watch Eastenders , but I’ve sort-of been following all the stuff in the press about the complaints . Today’s paper said ”The mumsnet website also described it as cynical and ill-informed and likely to reinforce misconceptions about bereaved mothers being deranged and unhinged’ ”. My reply ”what misconceptions ?”

Thank-you Laura for your lovely words you texted when you went to The Isis. I hope you’ve thawed out now !

They didn’t really wear lycra

Last night was lovely. The ‘Ace Cycle Kenya Team’, Jeremy, Charlie,Henry John and Jacob were reunited at 106 – They all wore lycra and bought along their photos and videos- mainly of Kenya, although they were a few dubious ones ! Also joining us round the table for drinks and supper were Ali, Andy ( Ace trustee ) and Sam (Ace’s UK director ). If you have a minute please go onto Youtube and type in ‘Hank and Chuck do Kenya’. We watched all of their videos last night and they are brilliant. The bits of The Children of The Southend Academy in Rosie’s Artroom are from Jacob’s video ( which poor Bert is still trying to get on this website.). Every time I see her room and those children I am moved beyond words .Those kids, Rosie, us , you, what’s it all about ?

I don’t want to go ……

Adam , your words are so right . I thought I’d sort of sussed Rosie’s style, so as part of her 19th Birthday present , I gave Rosie a charity shop black and purple fake leopardskin plasticy naff bomber jacket- she opened her present ,laughed and said it was disgusting and she’d look like a hooker if she wore it ! It is still upstairs in her bedroom.

Thank you to Lynn, Emma and Martin for visiting The Isis and sending me the photos. I loved the one of Emma crouching down by Rosie’s plaque.

Thank you also to Eden , for your most beautiful portrait of Rosie . You have captured her ..her beauty,vitality,passion and love, but most importantly ,there is part of YOU in it. We are all bowled over by it . When we ( John ) re- decorate the house – it will definitely be going up .

The ‘ ACE Cycle Kenya Team ‘ are joining us for supper tonight, Jacobs’ knocking up a culinary delight.

Thank you for going to HP.

We now have a new screensaver – The gorgeous Jane ,Roy, Carol, Roger, Jenny and Trevor in front of The Isis .Sorry to the also lovely S,A,H,J,R & N you’ve been gazumped !

We feasted a la Claire and Bob last night and so I’m up early to meet Mary M. for a Richmond Park trudge on my last day of freedom . Sounds a bit dramatic, but it feels like that .When’s half term ??

6 words actually

Thank you to Ann, Ian , Little Mart ( as Rosie would call him – he’s prob around 6′ feet tall now ), Mandy and Chris for going to see Rosie’s plaque. It means a lot to me.

I’ve just got 3 words to say , Conservatory, Mrs White and the Dumb bells….well done Florence, and to Stu for managing to stay awake and for making us laugh.

The 3 amigo’s are off to Soupy this afternoon. As I type, John is doing a ruthless clear out of the Dwyer’s coats. Al last I’ve come to terms with the fact I won’t ever get into that size 12 brown leather jacket I bought in The Grand Bazaar in 1983. Please anyone local who has warm winter clothes ( esp men’s ) ,you want to get rid of , please drop them round and I’ll drop them at Soupy- it is dam cold out there. NONE of Rosie’s coats are going , I couldn’t bear to part with any of her stuff.

At least it wasn’t Lidls

I am in possession of a lovely photo of ( L to R , NO favourites ), Stu, Anna, Holly, Jo, Rachel and Nikki , standing in front of The Isis and next to Rosie’s plaque. Thank you all for going .I would love to know what you thought of the inscription .

I sort of understand why Florence ignored me when I popped in to see her on the checkout in Waitrose yesterday . The guy at the next checkout, my friend and I thought it was funny when I put my boxy orange Salisbury recycled shopping bag over my head and asked if I was in the right shop .I guess ignoring me was better than calling security.

After a bracing walk in Richmond Park , I went to The Nearly New Years Eve party at Uplands. Grandma and I were in the front row for the entertainer – minus The Sains carrier – pity , no-one would have raised an eyebrow there.

It wasn’t really Debbie, it was Sarah

Our house has gone quiet again – no more slipping on bits of potato, no more Jacob saying obscene words in Danish to wind 3 little people up, no more snowball fights and frisbee throwing . It was lovely to have the five Thomsen-Browns staying with us for Christmas . I don’t have to tell you that Rosie was with us too – she is part of us , our souls and our hearts. we miss and long for her so much.

It was the Clarke’s quiz yesterday and Richard and his glamorous assistant ,Debbie, did an amazing job. It was made extra special , as our team won ( I think we came last in 2009 ) . Our triumph was ”the name the country of origin of the food/drink tasting’ round” . We got right – the cheese from Wales, shortbread from Scotland, beer from Belgium, chocolate from France, but failed with wine from The Lebanon ( we said Israel – so close ) and some disgusting root beer type drink from Australia – made worse by the fact we has Sarah’s Australian cousin ,Liz, on our team. All this, plus sausage and onion butties and champagne, lovely.

The Royal Parks

Oh , I forgot to mention. All the money given for the plaques, not only secures you a place in history ( their words ) , but goes towards building ‘The Look-Out Education Centre’ in Hyde Park.

Having been a regular user of ‘The Holly Lodge Centre’ in another royal park – Richmond ,I can testify ,it is an amazing resource, especially for children you don’t get the opportunity to be in such beautiful places.

Thank you Jo

On the 3rd march this year ,Rosie’s lovely friend Jo Cummins emailed me this….”I was walking through Hyde Park the other day and there is a new memorial statue right by The Serpentine, it’s a huge metal swan type bird, and round the bottom peoples names and small notes are spiraling outwards from its base. I don’t know whether this is something you’d find fitting for a memorial type place for Rosie, just thought I’d let you know. Hope you are well ”. To be honest ( and pathetic), I couldn’t take it on board at the time .BUT a few weeks later I was walking in Hyde Park with my friend Mandy ,and she was planning her summer scheme of distraction therapy for me , the second one being , us swimming in The Serpentine ( what a shock it never happened ), when we came across the said sculpture ,’The Isis’ . Jo was right , it is beautiful , and the inscriptions around the bottom are all so different .They are NOT memorial plaques , but ,on the whole , messages of love. So John, Jacob ,Florence and I all went up there- and we all loved it . For us the sculpture,plaques and location are wonderful .Rosie loved London and when I took her up to Hyde park , she loved the Princess Diana circular water thingey – The Isis ( who is the Egyptian goddess of nature ) is located between that and The Serpentine. So now she has her own gift from us . I won’t tell you what we wrote , I’d like you to find out for yourselves . but please if you do go , do me a favour , take a photo of yourselves by it and send me a copy .Once again , for me , it keeps her alive in peoples hearts. Rosie loved London , and her plaque couldn’t be more central. So in the summer ,we will organise a gathering, picnic , game of rounders up there- everyone welcome.That is where we went on 21st December.

Now, back to the present. Santa came to our house on Christmas day and made Thor, Frig and Gro very happy .It has been wonderful having them plus Sarah and Kristian to stay. Grandma is happy , we all spent Christmas morning with her , and then today she took us all out to The Dulwich Woodhouse for lunch. I drove the mini-bus , and Sarah B, says we look like a bunch of evangelistic Christians ( but don’t sound like them ). I think the holiday hits have been the indoor fireworks and the potato gun ( don’t ask – the house is covered with small bits of potato ) and John’s bike tool kit which comes with a man ( kristian ) who shows him how to use it . Tomorrow we are all off for a romp and a winter picnic in Rosie’s woods .

I hope you all have a lovely day tomorrow

Things that have lifted my spirits /made me laugh/ made me think , over the past couple of days…..

loosing at rapidough ,even though our team used every sense and cheating mechanism known to man…….having my regular post swim/pre breakfast morning chat to the fruit & veg stacker in Sains- him telling me he’s not looking forward to Christmas, as he is not getting on with his partner ,me telling him about Rosie and us both ending up in tears ( right next to the parsnips )….invitations….people popping in……..Florence ,while working in Waitrose and wearing her ‘Turkey Team T shirt’ , being asked by a customer, was she from Istanbul ….but most of all having John,Jacob,Florence,Sarah,Kristian,Thor,Frig and Gro tucked up under our roof..

please NO flight delays

Thank you for your donations, flowers, paints,cards , texts, company,tapas, cheesecake ,wine,playdough on Tuesday – a truly heart wrenching day.

And an even bigger thank-you to all those who have stuck with us over the past 2 years .We have some lovely kind , family and friends who have looked after us and made the last two years bearable and on many occasions happy and fun. Speaking for myself, I guess at times I am not the one of the easiest people to be with , one friend even told me she doesn’t know what say to me ( ouch ), but I am still interested in people, am happy for people and want to support and share in the vulnerabilities and successes of their lives. I don’t cope well with people who don’t talk about Rosie, my grief or just offer open invitations. To calm my scrambled brain, I need order ,structure, laughter and definite’s. There is no point saying to me ”tell me when you want to come round/need help” – I won’t.

I would like to thank John’s Brother in law, Bert, for doing so much to keep Rosie’s website fresh . He has worked so hard, is so patient with us and is currently trying to do techy stuff with Jacob’s video of ‘Cycle Kenya’ to get it on the site .

I apologise for repeating myself but please stick with us , suggesting stuff and of course ,keep looking at Rosie’s website .I need her to be alive in the hearts and minds of others. I love her so much and struggle with the fact I will never see her again.

For Rosie

”They who speak to me do not know that my heart is full with your unspoken words.

They who crowd in my path do not know that I am walking alone with you.

They who love me do not know that their love brings you to my heart.

They who are near me do not know that you are nearer to me than they are.”

Rabindranath Tagore

I remember Jane buying it in Habitat

I know it looks beautiful .BUT when the snow scuppers your plans of a counselling session at The CBC and a walk in Rosie’s woods, and your head and heart are scrambled with grief and all you want is to be with her , talk about her and be away from everything, it’s not so wondrous.

But ,the good news is , Jacob got home safely and then this afternoon I even made myself laugh. I was putting up Jane’s little twig tree and decorating it with all her lovely ,tasteful baubles and beads when I found the lights neatly wrapped around a roll of newspaper .When we put them away on January 5th this year ,I had left myself a little note ”unroll here, if they’re if a muddle , blame Georgina** ,she put them away !”

** Of course they unravelled beautiful…plus they worked…plus I would never blame Georgina, she is a little star

Where were Michael, Tim and jacob when you needed them ?

With Jacob it’s like that famous song ”once, twice , three times a ”….plane missed ( but to be honest this time and the first time it wasn’t actually missed – just cancelled ). But hopefully ,at present ,he is wending his way down the biggest car park in the UK – The M1.

Thanks to John hanging out of Jacob’s loft window ,extending his broom and clearing the Sky satelite dish I have just watched the Strictly final ( if you read the blog this time last year , you’ll know that’s not easy for me ) – WOW, Kara and Artem were fab u lous, Then Declan is coming to lunch then we are off to the Candlelit Carol Service , where Johnnie is doing reading number 4. Then its the final of The Apprentice and if i can’t sleep , there is always ‘Sportsperson of the Year ‘

For me , the only way to get through this time of year is to keep Rosie in the corner of my eye and then keep very very busy. I have to feel she is with me .I want her so much.

Thick snow here…will jacob’s flight be cancelled tomo ? I hope not.

I like to think I’m not normally one to brag , but when you and your friend Rose ( aged 87 and on oxygen ), score highest in The Karaoke, I think its time it break with tradition . We scored a whopping 92 points for our rendition of ‘tie a yellow ribbon’ even when we repeatedly hummed ‘interlude'( cos it came up on screen ) in the musical bit in the middle. Grandmama flew solo and didn’t bother with the screen ( mainly cos she can’t see it and can barely hear the music ) and belted out ‘when your smiling ‘ And the hardcore left standing ( but mostly sitting )at 8pm got in a line ,alternating wheelchair bound and those able to stand ,and crucified YMCA, followed by ‘Your never walk alone’.

No I’m not talking about a Friday night at the Broadway Boulevard , but The Uplands Christmas party.The entertainer cried off cos of the snow ( wimp ) and so the wonderful Activities organiser,Patricia , wheeled out the tried and trusted Karaoke screen.The bar was open 4-8pm, the spread was amazing and there were only 3 huge hamper prizes for the raffle and no-one had a clue what was going on – my idea of heaven.

Oh for all you Ealingites, have you coffeed at Papillion , on Northfields Ave? I’ve avoided it on other days cos its full of yummy mummies , but today i had to pop into the craft shop opposite which was closing down and the lovely owner gave me loads of stuff for St Anns.-, and so met my friend Fiona in there for coffee. apart from being like a skating rink ( big mistake that shiny white tiled floor ) in there, the cakes are amazing and all cooked on the premises.

Richard and Sarah dining here tonight.

Got to keep busy …..

I liken Grandmama’s life at Uplands to living on a cruise ship ….except there is no sea, no captains table , no piling on a coach to see a defunct volcano.BUT there are meetings with Lambeth social services ( which I went over for yesterday and with the cuts will probably be streamed down to 2 admin assistants by 2012 ) and most importantly , there is entertainment .On Wednesday they had a crooner , who Grandma loved .He ticked her big box as she said ”I could hear every word he sang”. Then yesterday while I digested ‘rights and benefits of people in care in Lambeth ( by 2012 it will probably just be the grandparents of the previously mentioned 2 admin assistants ) while Grandma and the Uplands Gang listened to carols sung by Dunraven School Choir . Then today , I am going over again to go with Grandma to the residents and rellies Christmas party , with live entertainment and hopefully Kareoke. I love stuff like that (UDT- nothing to do with milk, but unchallenged distraction therapy ).

how I spend my 45mins

Spent my lunchbreak with some colleagues doing some important research….our ‘top 3 youtube clips’ . After a heated debate and eliminating some cheesy dross( plus some we’d lose our jobs for if we clicked the ‘play’ button ) , we came up with …in descending order

3.Gap Yah

2. Awareness test- basketball passes

1. Christian the Lion

Now we are both members of the club that no-one wants to be a member of, do you think we’ll get an invite to their wedding ?

Today ,I read this article in December’s ‘Child Bereavemnt Charity ‘ newsletter.The charity has been very good to us…..

HRH Prince William of Wales kindly hosted a dinner for the charity in November. It was a wonderful occasion held at Windsor Castle on the eve of the announcement of his engagement. We were honoured to have Prince William become Patron of the charity in March 2009 and he has taken an active interest ever since. He said on the night:

“I am so proud of what the Child Bereavement Charity achieves, and what it stands for. Bereavement is rightly seen as a time of intense private grief. But this is often misinterpreted as meaning a time of solitude, a time to let the bereaved sort themselves out on their own. I know that this is very far from the reality of what’s needed. The wonderful staff of the Child Bereavement Charity also understands this instinctively. A little non-intrusive help and understanding can make all the difference to people, young and old, going
through what is one of the most traumatic times in life.

I have had the privilege of meeting some of your families and talking to them about the comfort they take from their contact with the Child Bereavement Charity. The universal response is extraordinarily positive – to the extent that one family said that the Charity had quite literally proved their salvation. That is why I’m so proud of you all

love and life

Today is Taid’s funeral .Taid is Richard Morgan , Sarah’s Dad, Michael , Georgina and Nats Grandfather. He really is the one of the most genuine, kind , funny, communicative people ,I have ever met . All of us Dwyers are incredibly fond of him . Sending love .

It is wondwerful to have Florence home

When I said I fondly remembered Rosie’s birthday celebrations , I didn’t know about the one involving , mayo, chicken-spot and a bucket of water – I’ll leave Stolly ( bakers of the most amazing giant pink fondant fancy ) to tell you that one.

Thanks to everyone who came round last night , we will enjoy drinking water over Christmas !

Today Grandma carried out her ‘Personal Exercise Programme’ , under the watchful eye of her Personal Trainer ( Jacob ) and Physio Assistant ( me ). All was going well , she had done the knee raisers , toe pointers,and leg flexors , when PT lost the plot – even he couldn’t bring himself to ask her to ”squeeze your buttocks together and lift your bottom of the bed”. By the volume I had to use to get her to understand the brief , I think the whole corridor was doing it .

Love

Thank you for your donations, flowers, games, cards and texts . Yesterday was unbelievably hard for us. My sadness and longing for Rosie was magnified a hundred fold. In my minds eye I saw her laughing at all her birthday celebrations. It is all wrong – she shouldn’t have died. She had so much more to give,do and experience. I love her so much .Florence is out of hospital , so thankfully we were all together.

9.12.89

21 years ago today ,my beautiful,happy,kind,funny,scatty,inquistive,chatty,hysterical,active,healthy Rosie was born.

Today we will celebrate her birthday in Ealing Hospital 9South , where Florence awaits a minor op.

Florence

We are having a worrying week. After suffering with intense stomach pains, Florence saw her GP on Monday .She was sent to Ealing hospital and was admitted to 9 South. Tests have been done and hopefully she will be out today.

Nikki – you’re going to love this one.

A ‘nearly a 24hr time line’.

Sat 4 Dec 17.30- Florence and I get home form seeing a happy ( well almost ) and healthy Grandma, having found one of the many pictures she asked for ,which I could actually lay my hands on. Watch half of ‘Strictly’ , then go our separate ways , Flo to meet her friends, John and I to dine with ours.

21.30. Jacob turns up at our friends house , needing key. he has just got off the megabus ,having got on that morning, after partying and having no sleep the night before – luckily no unfortunate soul sat next to him.

00.15. We return home chat to Jacob ,John offers to take him to Gatwick very early .When asked which terminal he is flying from , he makes one up.We all hit the sack .

04.30. Awoken by mobile ringing , don’t get to it in time , finally locate specs and hear message, Flo has no key , could I put one under the mat. In sleepy stupor , stumble downstairs, just as I’m doing the deed, bump into John and Jacob , they’d both had same message.

06.00 Alarm goes off , make tea and toast for my boys , say au-revoir as they set off to the airport for Jacob to fly to Bordeaux.

08.00. Awoken by phone ( think its prob Grandma asking for another ornament ,I think I’ve dispatched to the skip 5 years ago ), but if only life were so simple…it’s Jacob , with the immortal words ”Mum, I’ve messed ( except it was a stronger verb beginning with an F ) up, I should be at Luton”.

I could go on , but I won’t – it’s too messy . Jacob is cosied up with us now and we’re having roast pork for dins and a snooze this afternoon.

All round to Sallys

Were there things that your parents did/do that really annoyed you , and now you find yourself doing them ?Geoffrey used to read The Telegraph everyday . He would then cut out bits and give them to the relevant people. I do that now , so instead of giving this direct to PS , who is coming home tonight en route to some river in The Bordeaux region of France , I will share it with you…..

From last nights Standard – The naughtiest children are those named Beth and Josh and the best behaved are called Abigail and Jacob , a survey claims . Scotts and Lydias also get into trouble while Nathan and Louise are little angels. Rachels tend to be gorgeous, vivacious , kind, hunk magnets ( I made that last sentence up ).

I’m becoming so obsessive ,my next walk is going to be around Turville.

I guess like you ( but NOT you Sally ) snow, ice , wind ( not you Jacob- wind has never stopped you doing anything ) ,have stopped play . Grandmama and I have had to cancel a lunch invitation to The Stead’s in East Dulwich (For fans of ”I’m a Celeb’ , very near Jenny Eclair’s house.) I have had to cancel a get together with pals from Snowed-in -Surrey and instead I’ve snugged up at home and baked a lemon and poppyseed cake , cooked melanzane parmigiana and watched back episodes of ‘The Vicar of Dibley’. If I wasn’t married to John , I’d like to be married to Geraldine Granger

?

Just got home to find all the doors and windows open and everything gone. What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar ?

1st of the month

It was the ‘dreaded turn the calender over time ‘, made even worse by it being December. This months’ photo is the one of Rosie , so happy and bubbly at ‘White Heat ( ?) with the red and white background .Jo did an amazing painting of it. I keep thinking back to this time last year , when we so involved with Rosie’s exhibition…and then the year before when we were so goddam happy. Life , love and happiness are all so precious.

A letter

John met up with Augustine yesterday .he is over in London as on Thursday ACE receives A ‘STARS FOUNDATION’ Impact Award in the category of health .They were picked from 700 applicants.This award is a great honour and a huge achievement for ACE.

Augustine gave John , a handwritten letter from Moses W. Mabonga, Director of The Southend Academy. I thought you might like to read it :-

Dear Sir, 20.11.10.

re: Gratitude

Its with great pleasure that I take this golden chance to write a letter of appreciation on behalf of The Southend Academy.

The parents/guardians,pupils and teachers are proud to be associated to The Rosie Dwyer Art project and to you as a family. Thank you that you found time to cycle all the way from Nairobi to raise funds for this project.

The art project has added beauty and value on our face ,both physically and academically.Our lives will never remain the same again.This project is a turning point in our institution.

Given that art education ( creative art ) is taught in all our eight classes,there is need for more teachers,for this project has attracted interest of more pupils to join the art club.

Please send our regards to other members of your family and friends,

Yours faithfully,

Godifres Michaer,Patrick Michaer, Dennis Michaer , Mabonga Brown, Joseph M.Muliro, Patrick P.Muchesha, Stacy Asutu, Daing Manyara, Feff Wekesa, Marcy Atieno and Moses W. Mabonga

Sunday

The plane took off , although the taxi driver didn’t want to come out in the snow so Flo is home safe and sound . I’ve spent the day in bed , not feeling too chipper .Meanwhile John has gone to meet Augustine, the director of ACE , up in town and I am looking forward to the replay of Anton and Ann- I defy anyone not to laugh at their Titanic routine.

It never flurries but it snows – up there

The 2 intrepid explorers have made it to Newcastle. BUT it is snowing heavily up there , so will Flo’s 7.45 plane be cancelled ? On a positive note they have i have had about 3 missed calls – not to forwarn me off the iminent delay , but to ask for the recipe for Chicken Provencale ! At least they won’t starve. We are dining Chez Clarkes tonight, so nor will we.

i don’t even know who went off ‘ I’m a …..

No news from the intrepid explorers…and its snowing up there.

Meanwhile …down here , i go out to supper with friends and bump into Patrick on ‘the nearly night bus ‘ – does that make me cool and hip ( or old and sad cos I won’t pay for a cab ? )

NB: Mega bus is NOT a bit like ‘Coach Trip’.

I was up with the lark ( 4.30am to be precise ) , and it wasn’t the anticipation of taking Grandma out to lunch , BUT to see Florence off on her trip to Edinburgh. She had originally planned to go on the Megabus for about 99p ,until she realised it left about 3 days before and went via Truro,Cardiff, Norwich, Liverpool , Stornaway and Newcastle ( or something like that ). As a surprise Jacob booked himself onto the last leg of the journey . It must have been a surprise for him as Florence wasn’t actually on the bus .I had dug deep into my Airmiles purse and while Jacob was snuggled up next to a snoring Yorkshire Man in close proximity to an overflowing toilet, Florence was sipping a Bloody Mary and tucking into a BA ubercold bagel !

Hopefully , by now they have met up and are tucking into a Scottish breakfast ,with an optional pint of heavy in each hand. People keep mentioning Arthur’s seat , I don’t know who he is , but I’ve told Florence to keep well clear of it.

Wow ,those ‘celebs’ must be bored

John, Claire,Bob and I went to Ealing’s Bereavement service on Sunday . We all lit a candle for Rosie- it was incredibly emotional. On the way there ,John asked me if I’d ever been into St John’s Church,Mattock Lane before. The brain is an amazing thing ( even mine ) …at first I said no, and then I dug deep and realised I had been inside twice , with Jacob, Rosie and Florence.We had been to the infamous Feb half-term kamikaze roller blading disco. At one point in Sunday’s service , we were asked to think of our loved ones .In my head all I could see was Rosie on roller blades , aged about 12 hurtling towards me , unable to stop.

Then we came home and celebrated Bobby’s big birthday

Beautiful photos Bert, thanks.

However you look at it…100 weeks or 23 months , it is all wrong , cruel and sad. Our longing for Rosie is not an iota less than it was yesterday , the day before or all those weeks ago.

Today we are going to Ealing’s Annual Bereavement Memorial Service at St John’s Church. I handed in the slip with her name, ‘Rosie Grace Dwyer . I deliberately put her middle name in ,so she would be hanging in the air for more than a second

Got to keep busy

Surpassed myself in keeping positively distracted today. By 10.45,Emma and I were sitting in the cafe on West Wittering Beach, eating an apricot cake that tasted of bubble bath ( didn’t stop us finishing it though ).Then we did a bracing walk round the headland , collecting shells for work .Then we noticed the bag moving , so we put the live animals back in the sea.I love the English Coast in the winter . Then we shot into Chichester and saw the most amazing piece of physical ( not us , esp after THAT cake and the picnic in the car ) theatre -‘ Beautiful Burnout’. It’s a Scottish production set in the boxing ring. All the boxers training, work-outs and fights are choreographed to this really loud electro music , by ‘Underworld’ . Bloody brilliant and very moving- I wasn’t prepared for the ending.

Its the last CCT tonight – we love The Cheeky Girls- pity lembit’s on the other side.

I think that’s the last time I’ll be used to cover Thursday afternoon music lessons. I thought it was going quite well , until one student decided to register his protest ( I didn’t think my singing …and dancing were that bad ) and I ended up having to wash my hair under the taps in the artroom, and change nearly all my clothes.

Do you read Saturday’s ‘Blind date’ ? No ,I haven’t put mine ( or any other Dwyer family members name , down ) – tempting though. Well tonight we are going for a curry and then seeing Shazia Mira’s one woman show. The connection – she writes the column to the right ( not politically ) of ‘Blind date’.

She never ceases to amaze me.

I swopped my working days around this week ,so I could go to The Uplands Residents and their Families meeting. Where else can you go where the 3rd thing on the agenda is ‘End of life’ and the 4th is ‘Bar opening times’ ? Grandma brought up that age old important question ” why don’t the staff go up up London more ? I speak to some of them and they haven’t been on The London Eye – let alone walked The South bank ”. I think everyone was dumbstruck.

Friday 3rd December at 6pm is on my calender, it’s only ”Uplands Got Talent Fimals” – I’m only sad I’ve missed the heats

Lust

I’ve just heard that Prince Willy proposed to Kate, in Kenya, last month. Is that cos he saw her eyeing up 2 hunky ,sweaty,fit, London guys ,wearing yellow fluorescent shirts and sweating profusely ?

You’ll have to do XF yourselves.

I tempted fate , I shouldn’t have planted the seed in my head …..so here goes- Natasha Kamplinsky,Jil Halfpenny,Darren Gough, Mark Ramprakash, Alesha ( I want Arlene back ) Dixon, Tom Chambers , Chris Hollins.

Eid Mubarak everyone. I’m celebrating with a trip to the dentist and a riverside walk with Lorna

Anyone watch ‘Survivor’ – we loved that.

Getting off to sleep can be very hard and getting off after waking in the night ,can be even harder. So I put my mind to good use and think of deep and meaningful things, such as – who won ”I’m a celeb get me out of here” in 2009. Then I’ve got no chance of sleeping as I’m dammed if I can remember . So the first thing I did this morning ( second actually ) was to google it . It was ….Gino D’Acampo , and the year before that was Joe Swash…Christopher Biggens ( oh no it wasn’t …oh yes it was ), Matt Willis,

Carol Thatcher,Joe Pasquale,Kerry katona,Phil Tufnell , Tony Blackburn .

There- now we can all sleep easy tonight ( until I start thinking of ‘ The Strictly’ winners ).Thank God I don’t watch X factor.

No- ones come near -do you think its those 20 cloves ?

I’ve put my name down – Auntie Grace’s place was fab , even had a pond with fish in it with a bridge that you can walk/wheel/zimmer over . When I left there were settling down for a quiz. All stuff I like , didn’t have a bar though – perhaps I’ll stick with Uplands.

There must be a higher being -‘ Celebrity Coach Trip’ and now ‘I’m a celeb get me out of here’. Thank God, I don’t have to take up crochet.

Cooks tips

Adam – don’t bother with a pestle and mortar – stick all the stuff in a jug and then stick your whizzer in .Nigel was only showing off on the TV.

Claire , Bob and Michael – turn away now if you don’t want to know what you’re dining on tonight . I’ve just stuffed my lamb with 20 cloves of garlic and I’ve used Jacob’s top-tip of how to get the smell off your hands ( don’t ask ) , by scrubbing them with toothpaste- my hands not the garlic . Now I’m going to make up a picnic and I’m off to lunch with Auntie Grace , Geoffrey’s 88 yr old younger ,Sister, in her new Old Folks home.

Ingrid and Carol’ll get the yellow card tonight- then what’ll happen next ??

I don’t know why , but today I’ve had to keep very busy .Of course I do know why , it’s because it’s slowly cranking up to December, the days are shorter,darker, colder and so all the sensory cues are there for that ‘ too shocking and sad day’ day back in December 2008.But of course it is not just the date ,it’s the absolute gut-wrenching pain of missing Rosie and the ‘why’ question that continue to drive me crazy.

So ,I leapt ( ? ) out of bed at 6.30 ( I must have been in a bad place didn’t even bother with coffee ), swam 50 lengths, internalised my pool-rage when a non- swimmer wearing 2 toggles and brandishing a float encroached in my lane.Went to Sainsburies, cooked , had a trim ,met my pals in Pembroke Lodge , got told the gates of Richmond park were being locked in 5 minutes, wolfed down 2nd cappuccino, got out to see the gates locked behind me, got home griddled aubergines and goats cheese to go with my home-made pesto ,a la smug old Nigel Slater ( and an even smugger RJD who has never made it before in her life – and now reeks of garlic ) and his 30mins suppers , 10mins til CC Trip and then will get ready to go out to Fiona and Trevor’s for super…clutching my starter .

With my lack of adjectives know you know why I’m not a film critic.

While Jacob and Florence absorb themselves in Amersterdam/The Mystery jets , John was the meat in Kay and my sandwich as we watched ‘Africa Utd’. a lovely film. Alas ,on Wednesday night there was no meat in my and Jane’s sandwich when we saw the play ‘Ladies’ day’- a lovely play.

I’m breaking the ‘I don’t talk about work’ rule. Yesterday my post 16 students did a fabulous piece of artwork, in which we used about half the years supply of PVA .As it was a glorious day ,I put it outside to dry. This morning when I awoke to the wind and the rain , remembered it ….I phoned school – it’s no-where to be seen . ( well at least it’s not stuck to the windscreen of the mini bus )

It’s all in the words

Now there’s something coming through the air that softly reminds me
Tonight I’ll park out on the hill and wait until they find me
You’re slipping through the ether, a voice is coming through
So keep me in your heart tonight and I’ll save my love for you

So turn up your radio and darling dial me in close
We’re riding on the airwaves and we’re travelling coast to coast
Over river and highway your voice comes clear and true
Though we’re far apart tonight, I’ll save my love for you

Hold me in your arms and our doubts won’t break us
If we open up our hearts, love won’t forsake us
Just let the music take us and carry us home

There’s a prayer coming through the air and it’s shot straight through my heart
Tearing open the evening sky and tearing me apart
Now I’ll ride that signal down the line till I’m home again with you
So turn up your radio and I’ll save my love for you
Turn up your radio and I’ll save my love for you

thats the new Bruce Springsteen single, beautiful isn’t it ? Rosie loved Bruce springsteen.

Roast potatoes at last

Got in from work tonight and I was OK , got through the Tuesday eve 5pm watershed ( that’s when Rosie used to start her shift at Waitrose and she’d always beg me for a lift at 4.55- now I just dread 10pm when I would pick her up , she’d do a quick change and I’d drop her off at the tube as she headed for White Heat ) . Then I switched on my newly repaired washing machine and shoved a stuffed chicken in my new oven …then shot off to Sains for the veg ,in time to get back for Simon Mayo’s confessions ,which I love. Well I zapped the car , got in it ,glanced to the left and wondered why John had put a child seat on the passenger one…so I looked behind and there was another one . So I thought ,either I’m in the wrong car , or john’s trying to send me mad like in one of those Hitchcock movies….It was the former.

Meanwhile Jacob is studying hard in Amsterdam.

dad’ll explain when you’re home ,Jacob.

Things on my mind this morning…

What do they put in the water in Newcastle ?

Why did they get rid of the dance-off in ‘Strictly’ ? Are the BBC trying to make it more X factory ?Jimmy should never have gone. Ann could win.It’s all going tits-up

Instead of lights,camera ,action

..we now have lights , cooker ( came today ) and no washing machine. Just got back from the soup kitchen ,was a bit worrying when up til 3.15 , there were only 4 of us making 19 loaves of bread into sandwiches – even my dual handed swift action buttering techniques didn’t speed things up. It didn’t help that someone opened the doors at 3.17 , and so the punters came flooding in and had to sit and watch us make their butties. John had an interesting chat with a young guy who had recently come out of Ealing Hospital.He showed John some pictures of his stay – they involved the curtains being closed ,some cans of Tenants Extra and a young lady in a nurses uniform who wasn’t quite state registered . Meanwhile my lovely Charlie ( you can’t help but have favourites ) showed me a picture he had taken of a Peregrine Falcon on top of the church roof where he sleeps rough .I think I got the long straw.

The only negative was the chairs were too hard and woodeny

As usual on a Saturday , I pick up my paper, and after throwing away all the fee adverts that fall out , I head straight for the most controversial and interesting page- ”Blind date”. Today’s couple ,Lynsey and Emily dined at Rosa’s in Soho. You’ll never guess where we dined last night….the very same restaurant. Bloody good Thai it was too . Up until last night I was a soft-shell-crab virgin.Now I’m not .

We’re off up to Soho tonight, so I saved myself.

We do have lights, plus Jacob and John are in the Ealing Gazette again . Shame the journalist forgot to leave the last word off the Headline , so it doesn’t actually make sense. Arrived at Grandma’s to find her having her nails done and sipping a sherry , it has to be a decent old folks home when the first question I am asked is ”would you like anything from the bar?”

I’m heading for the trees.

Time to leave the house and go walking in the country…the washing machine has gone from being able to do a short wash, leave 5mins , making sure no-one opens the door ( chance ‘ll be a fine thing ), put on a spin and cross your fingers . open door and hang up half washed and half spun clothes ..to ..NOTHING .The oven and grill cannot be turned on at all ( new cooker comes on Sunday after 4 weeks of boiled,stir fried and microwaved food ) and this morning the downstairs lights tripped and banged 3 times but it didn’t stop me from re-setting the fuse and crossing my fingers….so until little Johnnie puts on his electricians hat ,there are no downstairs lights for us ! In the grand scheme of things, it’s nothing -they’re just things- but it doesn’t half conspire to get you down.

Quality television

Lorna made my day by texting me with the joyous news’ Celebrity Coach Trip’ begins on C4 next Monday . Of course I just had to google it to see who the celebs are ….Benjamin Duncan ( who? ) , Imogen Thomas ( a double who , I didn’t even recognise her when I ‘d seen her on google images ) , plus the one and only world famous comic duo- The Chuckle Brothers ….they’ll all be rolling around in the aisle.

I love her laugh

This is the message I got from Bert. You’ve probably all sussed this already , cos when you do it the pictures fill the screen and look even more amazing ”saw your message in the blog….there is another way of viewing the pics….

1) Click on the Link…CYCLE KENYA…the usual way.
2) You will see the Gallery Screen…….a thumbnail of Brenda on the
left and a large picture of Brenda on the right. Move the cursor to
the top right hand corner of the large picture on the
right…..nothing happens (but bear with me). Now LEFT click once on
the thumbnail to reveal the other thumbnails.
3) Now move the cursor over the top right hand corner of the large
picture on the right again. This time there should be a small black
box with an arrow pointing to each corner.
4) Now LEFT click this black box.Your screen should go blank…but
wait 30 secs or so and DON’T press any keys or the mouse. This will
load and play a slideshow of the pics automatically in full screen in
a loop.
5) When you’re done, press “ESC” to return to the Gallery Screen.’

This is true for all the Galleries on Rosie’s site. I can’t think of a
reason why this wouldn’t work on your PC or laptop because te software
resides on the server. Give it a go and see what you think.”

This morning I did as I said and turned our calender page to November . Georgina made us a 2009 one , with a different photo of Rosie for every month. Then Florence and I put together our 2010 one.November’s photo is so powerful , which is weird because it’s the only photo where you can’t see Rosie’s face. She is with Ryan walking down the road towards us, so obviously laughing as her head is thrust forward with her hair covering her face.You can tell by her body language she is happily hysterical . anyone know who took it or what they are laughing at ?

Ada you are so right – and for you she’s a local gal.

Woke up feeling sick – don’t want to go to work .( I’m even typing this rather than getting dressed ). even 2 nights of ADT ( amazing distraction therapy ) haven’t kicked in . Sat night we saw ‘the Kids are alright’ – great film .Then last night Flo and I ventured up to The kings Head ,islington , to see ‘Showstoppers ! the Improvised Musical’- fantastic. Wish I’d done drama.

Now I’ve got to go downstairs and turn the calender over …………

XXX

There are 11 wonderful photos of J&J ‘s trip on Rosie’s website now. Click on ‘Cycling Kenya 2010’ ,scroll down and click on photos. Click on thumbnail photo and the 11 images appear.If the captions do not appear underneath , click on Ctrl and F5. I would love to know what you think – they blow me away .It is too emotional for me to express, but the knowledge that Rosie’s spirit lives on through that West Kenyan remote community gives me something and never fails to move me. I just love her and miss her more than any of these stupid words can say.

I’m not really going to have one

I thought I’d been lifted up and plonked in on a hillside in New England in The Fall ( not that I’ve ever been there , but like you, I’ve seen the pictures ) .Winkworth Arboretum was stunningly beautiful. Like true artistes ( ?) ,obsessed with capturing beauty , shape and form , we forgot to take our cameras – but we didn’t forget the picnic , flask ,wetwipes etc- now that would have been a tragedy ( I defy anyone not to read that word to raise both hands to their head and burst into song).

You know I’ve always said that out of bad stuff , good stuff has to happen ….otherwise whats the point ? Well in the paper today I read this quote which struck quite a chord .It’s from a band called Bluezeum -”If life is full of crumbs make an appetiser and if life is full of shit , make fertiliser.” Now thats what I’m going to have on my tattoo.

I’m just going to make the picnic

My friend Hazel trained as a nurse at St Mary’s, Padding ton , where Grandma trained.She ,too,is retired , but so loves the place goes up twice a week to work in their museum.So yesterday I took her to meet Grandma-they reminisced for 3 hours . Coming home Hazel said if someone had plonked me in the lounge at Uplands with all the old dears , she would have been able to spot which one was my mother….which I guess is a bonus , she could have said she thought I was one of the inmates.

Off to Winkworth Arboretum today.

** I need a sex change for this one.

I think I need a new hobby ……perhaps I could stick a metal spike through my tongue and twist it round ( after drinking 4 stolen random drinks and swallowing a pair of scissors – while wearing a sprayed on backless rubber dress, high heels and little else )…or lie in a bath with just my jeans on ** and then pull myself up do the splits and fly over peoples heads ..or dislocate my shoulder ,elbow etc and squeeze through a 10 inch tennis racket wearing only a loincloth ( same as **).Yes last night after a champagne afternoon high tea at a fancy hotel , Fiona and I bedded into our front row seats and watched ‘La Soiree’- it was amazing….meanwhile Florence has been staying at Hotel Stolly- I expect she saw much of the same.

we started off at Burnham on Crouch

I’ve been off exploring today , around The Dengie peninsula- shame on all you Londoners ( esp.Paula) if you don’t know where I’m talking about.It was fab. A sort of a ‘yet to be discovered , could be up and coming, loads of sky , not many people, Whitstable’. It has the bonus of only being an hour away on the train , starting off from my fave London Station , home of Thorntons,M&S and a Pasty Shop – Liverpool Street .I manage to do more shopping there in 23 minutes ( and squeeze in a 30p visit to the loo ) and buy a cappuccino , which Mandy won’t let me take a sip of til the train is moving, than I do in a whole month in Ealing.I loved the River Crouch ( no relation to Peter ) walk.Pity it p****d it down and I got so cold I ‘ve had to come home and have a hot bath and a hot toddy.

Get clicking

Check this out ….hank and chuck do kenya ( put a www. before it and remove the gaps )

If you haven’t read it before , its the blog of the lovely 2 guys who did the Cycle Kenya Challenge with J&J.They’ve just updated it so it includes their visit to the South End Academy.

PS Adam and Jacob- your 12.40 comments are seriously co-ordinated/creepy/weird.Try doing it again.

Just off to CBC

Jacob what does WTF stand for ?

Just as I was cooking our noodles , my friend Judy texted me from China.

I meant whose yr fave on ‘Strictly’ ?

2 weeks til the new oven arrives

As I type ,my lovely neighbour ,Matt, has my bun in his oven. Actually it’s a lemon and polenta cake a la Nigella . Couldn’t find a recipe that did it in the microwave ,so its had to travel.

This morning I really missed him ,Graham ( and he’s also got the Friday night slot ) just isn’t the same . I know he’s off in India at Russ & Kate’s wedding ,but what what about Andy , where is he ? I bet he didn’t get an invite. I’m harping back to when I used to spend a blissful Saturday morning cooking ,with Jonathan Ross making me laugh. Jacob would be at work behind the fish counter , telling people how to cook their expensive Bream fillets ( marinate in ketchup and fry ) or in Newcastle, Florence would have friends to stay and would be cooched up under duvets with a breakfast consisting mostly of chocolate or at drama , and Rosie would come downstairs ( often worse for wear ) , make-up down her face , devastate the kitchen ( and that was just with tea and toast ) and then plead for a lift to Waitrose, which i would huff and puff about , then dutifully give. Sorry to keep reminiscing , but those memories go round and round in my mind.

Sister greenwood is not a Nun , but an ex colleague og The G. They still call each other sister- aah .

In the scheme of things ( and after spending the afternoon with Grandma and her equally deaf 94 year old friend,Sister Greenwood), today’s little near miss of setting fire to 106 doesn’t really matter. But when you’ve got a heavy heart and a broken washing machine and no voice ( refer to situation in previous brackets ) and you’ve invited friends to supper on Sat. night – it does. For about 4 tears we’ve coped with our oven door not shutting properly ,and the Spanish coffee-pot placed at a jaunty angle and wedged between the oven-door and the mat,securing it shut , has become quite a feature of our kitchen .Then about 2 years ago ,the electric grill stayed on low permanently , even though it was switched off and there was no little bright red light on . But we got over that by turning the oven off at the fuse and tripping it when we needed to use it . These little health and safety measures worked perfectly ,until this morning …last night after cooking a haute cuisine post work gourmet dinner ( i.e. heating the garlic bread ) ,I forgot to trip the fuse to off .This morning I could smell burning -the ghostly grill was off but actually it was on red-hot-full. I hope my guests like soup

22 months

Thanks Bert those photos blew me away.

Richard C. your words were beautiful-thank-you .

Amy and Holly ,the film and photos are wending their way down from Newcastle on CD as I type. So as soon as we have made copies ,we will send them to Bert in Brum , and he can do techy stuff with them and put them on the website.

BUT, that doesn’t mean we won’t have a Bungoma Bonanza night round here ,once Jacob is home.So start thinking of an appropriate Kenyan cocktail!

From John

First of all I would like to say a massive thank you for your tremendous support. Thanks to your generosity we smashed our original target and revised targets and have now hit over £7, 000 in fact the cycle challenge fund has now reached £7,128 and with gift aid of £1,339 the total increases to £8,467. (This has increased the overall Rosie fund to just over £50,000!)

It was an incredibly tough 10 days (we wouldn’t have wanted it any other way) but we reached Bungoma on time and in one piece. When struggling to get up the never ending hills I thought of Rosie and your messages of encouragement and they gave me the boost to keep going. Yet no physical pain can ever get close to the sadness of Rosie not being here with us. But Rosie was with me. I saw her through the beauty of the Kenyan countryside and I saw her smile on the faces of the children in the villages we passed through.

I always expected making it to the South End Academy and meeting Brenda (the teacher we are all funding) and the children, would be the highlight of our trip and I was right, they were amazing. I was overwhelmed by their love, energy, creativity and passion. Their room is called “The Rosie Dwyer Art Room” and her photos and artwork adorn one big notice board. All this was the reason I was there, it was hard to contain such powerful and very mixed emotions.

I had no doubt that Rosie’s fund was making a big difference but I never thought that the funding had and will continue to have such a big positive impact on the lives of so many children.

As soon as we can get a chance, Jacob and I will put together photos and a short film of our visit to the school, which will tell the story and show you how your generosity has transformed the lives of so many children.

Thank you

John

No-one came off their bike- it’s more dangerous cycling to Greenford.

John and Jacob are home safe and sound. We had a big emotional reunion( i.e. me sobbing ) in terminal 3 , followed by that favourite British traditional Sunday dish – chicken tikka marsala , followed by the official Team Clarke and Team Fletcher welcome home ceremony, complete with a banner and champagne,beer,chocolate etc.

I don’t want to steal J&J’s thunder, they have so much to share, and I know when they have time ,they will put pen to paper/photos to disc/video to system ….etc etc.They had an AMAZING emotional, physical and at times heart-rendering ,adventure. I was moved by their description of their visit to The Southend Academy. I won’t say too much , but outside Brenda’s classroom is a sign ”Rosie Dwyer’s Art room” and inside ,one wall is filled with photos of Rosie and her artwork .The students have used these as a starting point for their work ,and there are sketches of Rosie in her Waitrose uniform , complete with hat !

I am utterly convinced EVERY penny you have donated is making a difference- those kids are happy,healthy and through Rosie and you ,are now receiving an education that will hopefully lead to an independent life. From the five of us, I thank you.

Not long now

In the next hour I’m off to terminal 3 to meet the boys. I’m all over the place with emotion .The requested curry is made ,the Leff/Cobra is in the fridge and the washing machine has broken down – well they can’t have everything – a curry and clean lycra.

Last night I went up to town .I met a friend who is newly single , so I took her for pre-tapas drinkies at ”Time Outs best place for 30 plus somethings to get chatted up.”- the Tate Members Bar . It was beautiful , we drank fizz , gazed over at the wibbly wobbly bridge leading to St. Paul’s Cathedral ( Rosie’s favourite view in London ), cried, laughed , hugged, held hands .The only male who came within a ten mile radius of us was the 20 yr old gay ,drama student waiter.He was very sweet , but not who I had in mind for my 52 yr old straight friend. We managed to avoid the Gauguin and weren’t allowed to walk on/touch/sniff/rustle/pour/throw/ Ai Weiwei’s millions of porcelain pods.( though God only knows why he didn’t just use Sunflower seeds ), so that too was a sensory let-down. Food, drink and company were excellent though.

The last bit is jacob saying what he wants for Sunday dins

1. I’ve got all in a lather with this blog.The one I put on it 20mins ago , was meant for yesterday ( Thursday ) , I thought it had gone on , but the system wouldn’t let it ,as I included a website link for the blog of the 2 guys that are cycling with J& J .

So type in

hank and chuck do Kenya. wordpress. com BUT with WWW. in front and NO GAPS between the words.

It is funny so read it .

2. sterile version of today’s itinerary-On our final day of cycling we head towards Bungoma, home to The Ace projects.here we visit the projects and learn about the charity’s vital work in the region.later we transfer to our hotel in the lush Kakamega forest region where we celebrate our achievements.

3.This is the ( brief) email I’ve just had from Jacob-

Hi just went to the school. It was amazzing. Can’t text a long one cos its hard witth the pot holes. Curry beer and ice cream. Please. See you soon love the jigga man. X

You should have had this yesterday

Anyway , here’s the sterile version of today….

and so to our penultimate cycling day all the way down to Kisumu at about 1.m on the Winam gulf on lake victoria.This is a quick road and a huge downhill through the beautiful forested slopes that descend to this busy port city which is full of life on the shores of lake victoria.we arrive at our accommodation and have a relaxing meal.

Meanwhile back at Uplands …..and it was Grandma’s special day.Once a month every residence gets ‘their’ day , and they can choose a treat .Grandma opted for a Chinese takeaway and a foot spa and massage ( funny that , in 52 years ,she’s never liked anyone touching her feet ). So , a table was laid for us, we were waited on by the lovely Francis and he brought any drink we wanted from The Bar ( read last Thursday ). Then Grandma had her feet seen to by the lovely Patricia , and a new inmate,Rose ,came into her room,sat and chatted to us .When Rose asked The G. why she was having the massage , she told her its cos ”she was woman of the week”!

Do tea hotels only serve tea ?

We had radio contact …well an email from the boys sent on Henry’s blackberry.They are trying to keep in touch ,but it isn’t easy They are both well and say that the guys there are with are great.I’m going to type you up their itinerary , even though John says, and I quote ”some of the descriptions so far have been far from accurate ”. so you’ll have to wait a week for the real details.

Anyway…….13.10.10 Kericho is our destination tonight and we transfer a little way out of town as the roads are busier with traffic making its way to Uganda.The road generally climbs most of the way to Molo and has a magnificent view of carpets of tea plantations ,where we stay in a local tea hotel”.

day distance 97km total distance 346.3km total gain 1400m.

Just watched the C4 news-I’m holding my breath for the Chilean miners- i feel everyone is united in their emotional outpourings of hope for them . Following this news footage was the update from the 7th July London bombings enquiry-that hit a chord too.Last night I was out with 2 of the mother’s whose daughters were murdered on that day. It was Laura’s birthday. So for all our children who have died we ate,drank,wrote on fire lanterns and sent them off into the sky …then we all went hysterical when one got caught on Hazel’s shed and we couldn’t dis-lodge it !

No texts- do you think tey’d get a signal ?

12.10.10.- today we can take it a little easier as we have less cycling to do. A morning visit to the viewpoint of Thompson falls is a must before our hearty breakfast ( Now it’s beginning to sound like my kind of trip ) and we set off on our ride .After a short climb ( perhaps not ) from the hotel we have a relatively easy first few kilometres before a splendid 10 Km downhill.we have a short climb before descending again to lunch and then an easy ride to the town of Nakuru where we stay at The Milele Resort.The town takes its name from the famous lake and with only 66k to cycle we might have enough time for an optional visit.

Day distance:66.5km Total distance:249.3km Total gain:677m

……………..obviously this is J&J. Flo and I are both dining out tonight chez different friends ,and i missed seeing Tanni Grey Thompson , who came into work today- probably cos i was busy going up and down stairs trying to increase my ‘total height gain’.

Day 2

J&J’s todays itinerary…..

11.10.10.-”From Navaho our route starts along the main road and then form a town of Gigil we head off North and up the rift valley. we soon start to climb and for the first time get a real feel for rural Kenya as our smaller road makes it’s way to The Abedare Mountains .Lunch will be 60kms into the ride and then we reach the highest point of the day 2425m, before the last relatively easy last 30 km to our lodge at Thompson falls. The Narok river comes from the rains of the Abedares and feeds the spectacular Thompson falls by our hotel before heading east past Mount Kenya and eventually out into the Indian Ocean.

day distance:99.2km total distance:182.8km total gain 999m.

R&F’s todays intinerary…..

After going to our respective educational establishments,we rushed home , shot up to town and went hobnobbing with The Chapman brothers at a PV of an amazing exhibition ‘Vanitas-the Transience of earthly pleasures’ ( whatever that means). Our friend kate ,had a couple of beautiful pieces in it and Flo had helped her with some technical stuff.It was at the most wonderful house -33 Portland Place.( allegedly as the artists were putting their stuff up ,a porn movie was being shot in the basement ). The red wine didn’t fill us up ( no nibbles ) so we shot across the road for something to eat.

day distance: approx 16miles( cheap and few calories burnt off , due to usage of oyster card ) Total gain – about 3lb. Oh it means how far up – well there were quite a few steps at the tube station , 2 floors of the exhibition and 2 trips to the downstairs loos in Pizza Express – so I guess about 3.7m

Hot off the press

I was tucking into a wonderful roast chez Clarkes ,when my phone went beep beep and it was a txt from Jacob …..So here it is

”Ez now.Its J Junior.Heres a lowdown – yesterday we went to watch Kenya vs Uganda football.The only 4 white guys in the stadium.it was mad,could only sit on the steps it was so busy.Today after cycle at Naivasha,we got a small boat onto the lake and sailed round,like couple of metres away from massive hippos.”Then he goes on to share with us thsir current physical digestive state – which even I wouldn’t subject you to.

They’re off!

After having the delights of hearing Grandma singing ‘There’ll always be an England” at full volume down the microphone on Thursday .Then spending half a months salary in Superdrug and saying fond farewells to John,Jacob and their fellow cyclists, plus all their bags and bikes, in terminal 3 ,on Friday, I sort of zoned out with some friends and Florence on Saturday.

I doubt if anyone can imagine how important and emotional this trip is for our family. As they can’t read this ,I will say I am worried ,yet so full of love and pride for John and Jacob. It really is a tough challenge

As a family we paid for the trip ourselves , so EVERYTHING you kindly donated goes to help educate the Students of The Southend Academy and hopefully give them a future in which they can sustain themselves. I know I’m in danger of becoming boring, but some good had to come out of Rosie’s wonderful,happy,loving,chaotic,creative,messy,funny,caring 19years and 12 days.

So for the next week , I will give you their daily itinerary .

10.10.10 ”After breakfast we transfer to the residence of The British High Commissioner on the outskirts of Nairobi and set off north-east on a full day’s cycle to Naivasha in The Great rift Valley.This tough start to the challenge begins with a 28 Km climb out of Nairobi before getting to the side of the Great Rift Valley from where we can oversee the magnificent expanse of this incredible natural wonder.For the next 20 Km we are freewheeling into the base of the valley and then continue up to our lunch spot at 67 km in the shade of The Acacia Trees.this afternoon we have 16 Km left and there is a great chance that on the way to our hotel we will be cycling past zebra,impala and Eland, with marabou storks and birds of prey fling above us.The hotel overlooks lake Naivasha surrounded by breathtaking views of The Great Rift Valley.”

day distance-83.km Total gain 1000m

They started taking their Malerone today – so weird dreams tonight

Ooh Nat , we do miss you. The octopus was a Florence playdough creation. He resided in our sink for the whole of Sunday after he morphed out of the tap and lots of photos were taken of him – I think its called film-making. Egypt is just outside Burnham Beeches ,and the brook that flows through BB ,is The Nile. PS,YD and I went for a trudge there on Sunday afternoon …it was beautiful ,but as always tinged with sadness .It is so hard when we re-visit places where we had such happy times with Rosie. The good news is that since we last went they have a new caff ( important ), toilets ( vital ) and a sensory sculpture trail – and as you know how much Grandma loves the arts (not ) we’ll be dragging her there next summer .

News from Uplands .This afternoon there is the grand opening of their new bar ( i.e. B&Q shed with shelves , a counter and a few stools ), set in the garden just outside Grandma’s window. She has been asked to make a speech , so I am shooting over to vet it . She told Jacob yesterday , that she’s going to include her views on how bad the food is.Not quite the motivational speech they were hoping for. Actually Jacob found out ,they had asked her to say a prayer , but she misheard ,and thought they said speech . So…they asked her to say a prayer too – but she was having none of that religious stuff , just her speech , which should probably be titled ”everything that pisses me off about Uplands”.

Apart from us 4 is anyone watching ‘Coach trip’ ? Is it me , or is Amanda driving you mad ????

Big thanks

Thank you to everyone who has donated to John and Jacob’s amazing ‘Cycle Kenya challenge’. We are lucky to have such amazing ,kind,generous,caring and witty friends and family. I apologise if I have nudged too often, I guess I’m just so passionate ( and worried )about my family and also the children of The Southend Academy .I want it to work for everybody – but especially for Rosie.

This evening ,a photographer called in to take a few shots of the cyclists .Coincidentally ,Michael S. happened to be round having a cuppa. We had to stop him shooting off to get his scooter, so he could be in the photo -it would have looked like a cross between ‘Brokeback Mountain’ and ‘Easy Rider’. Even we have standards.

It was looking at me

Jacob , you were the only one that answered – but NOT to the quiz qustion – and you were there. And as for PS , don’t you know your bible ?

The usual sort of Monday- work ,a rushed supper, a visit to my pyschotherapist, a moving blue octopus in the bathroom sink ( and that’s nothing to do with the happy pills ).

NO googling (for local people)

A big thank-you to Claire and Bob for taking us out for an adieu supper for John( sod Jacob , he had leftovers ).It was lovely . We dined with Sarah and Richard at The New Mama’s in Northfields Ave – the food ,company ,Nepalese beer , were wonderful – it felt almost as transcendental as chanting in The Foothills of The Himalayas.( I think that’s cos John was wearing his orange sarong ).

A cryptic quiz question- where was I ( or we , I went with PS and YD ) this afternoon ? ……………After driving through Egypt, we waded in the Nile , but never left the country ????

*well….40minutes

Lorna – you should know ,Grandma’s a gin or brandy gal, I’m the rum one. is there a pud she could make out of KFC ?

This morning on route to the seaside, I was in tube, in an incident resembling a scene from ‘The Taking of Pelham 123 ‘meets ‘In the Heat of the Night”. In the tunnel just outside Hammersmith station , the signals failed and in a PACKED train ,we were stuck for hours *. we all started to strip off , some-one got their baby oil out ( i made that bit up ) and people were getting very fainty. Eventually, the driver nudged the train forward ,so his cab was just on the platform , and we had to file out the whole length of the train to get out of his cab, one at a time. So, I got my digi cam out for a photo of me and him- after all I’ve never been at the helm of a train before.

Blame Clive Bull.

This afternoon ,in The Rookery,Grandma educated ( whether they wanted to be or not ) the Streatham Ramblers Association , as to why all the red telephone boxes in Soho should be removed. She’d heard a radio programme the night before ,telling the London public what exactly goes on in these booths – and it had nothing to do with putting their 10p in the slot and waiting for a signal…..or perhaps it did. Anyway ,I think from now on at 2pm the SRA will meet somewhere else.

Put your Christmas present buying on hold for the time being – Jacob might be appearing in a nude 2011calender……………………..

I’m going to the seaside tomorrow- gales are imminent

Am I making sense ?

Thank you to everyone who has donated to ‘Jacob and John cycle Kenya for Rosie’ .It is amazing , they have just raised over £5,000. I know Rosie would be so proud of them . I think one of the hardest bits of the trip ( apart from the 60km continuous climb on the first day ) will be giving the school a photo of Rosie. Cos although we know it is all wrong , that will be so right.

God, I’m going to miss them.

It’s countdown to the big day..This time in 10 days, Jacob and John will be on a plane flying to Nairobi ( that’s if they’ve found their way out of terminal 5 car park ).They have both been training really hard.John’s been spinning,cycling,falling off, getting back on,running , more cycling ( 4 times round Richmond Park on Saturday ) and reading about the passion of Fausto Coppi.Jacob has been cycling The North East, Berwick , Corbridge,Hadrian’s Wall ( until the hangover kicked in ).He’s been improving his stamina by carrying a friend over the sand dunes and building up his stomach lining , by eating lots of dodgy pies. He’s focused his brain by reading lots of arty-farty books that have nothing to do with running.They have both done all of this for one reason – because they love Rosie.

So to keep Rosie’s spirit alive by giving the children of The Southend Academy the chance of an independent and healthy future, please please sponsor them. Your words of encouragement are just as important as your donations

http://www.justgiving.com/Jacob-John-Cycle-for-Rosie

Watch out for those ponies

Ooh Jacob , will they do for me what ‘singalongasoundofmusic’ did ? I’m looking them up now, but all that seems to be on offer in W.London ( ie Watermans ) are ‘Certified Copy’, ‘Tamara Drew’ and ‘Winters Bones’ – anyone seen any ot them ?

Tomorrow,our lovely friend, Gill Hilton is running The New Forest MARATHON for Rosie. So last night as part of her training programme we went out To Thai Foresters for a couple of pints, tempura ,veg pad thai and all the trimmings. It was just like being in The Queen Vic, we knew everybody. Well Kim, who was waiting for her takeaway , so she joined us for a glass of chilled white ( her hungry family thought she’d been hi-jacked on the way home ), then at least 2 other diners- it seemed like a lot at the time .

Grandma loved her tempura prawns and chips,washed down with a glass of medium white.

I think J&G’s volume was so loud, all details could also be heard on the 13.22 Easyjet flight to Malaga ,sitting on the runway at Gatwick South. ( Look up where Horley is and you’ll know what I mean ). You’ll be pleased to know,all hearing aids and teeth stayed where they were meant to be and we avoided the rain…and any eye contact with the other diners.

Anyone recommend a good,cheery,fastmoving film……………………….

Please don’t let it rain today at 1pm

Today, i’m picking up Grandma ( aged 89, nursing a cut head and VERY wobbly getting into her wheelchair ), then we are picking up her friend Joan ( aged 95, nusing a black eye and a cut head from a fall, and is very wobbly with her 2 sticks ) and going out for a relaxing pub lunch. All their medical information will be generously shared with all the other diners in ‘The Six bells’ in Horley.

Those photos are California, our kitchen and Barcelona


Now to answer your points Calamity J Junior- yes it was a last Rolo..BUT not his – he’d already eaten his whole packet ,in the bar before hand.Then at the interval ,I cracked open my packet , he took hold of them and dished them out , there was an odd number , so I politely(?) insisted I should have the last one .Wish I hadn’t now I’m faced with a 90 minute dental appt and a gap that feels like the Mersey tunnel with an invisible lamb chop stuck in it.

yes James did ask me where Joshua (that was you )was . he brought his guitar and another punter bought along his guitar. towards the end they both started playing , it was lovely . I thought of asking them to strum ”Streets of London” so I could singalong – but then I didn’t think it a sensitive choice !

Changing the subject completely ,this is part of a letter ,Wilberforce, who deals with the bursaries at the Southend Academy, wrote to our friend Andy.i thought you might be interested to read it as a little bit more about the school………………
”Now, children at south end academy range from the age of 4 years to 16 years.Age 4 comprises of those at ECDE ( pre unit) level that runs for 1 year then a child proceeds to Class1( 1st class) in primary level.It takes a child eight years to clear primary education hence for a faster learner by the time he/she sits the final primary examination should be at the Age of 13 years.Then joins secondary at the Age of 14 years .However, due to the poor background surrounding 90 percent of pupils at south end some joined school late and some were dropouts who rejoined after a span of 2- 3 years. AS a result there are some who are at age 14,15 and 16 years.
Finally we are eagerly waiting for John and Jacob.We wish them all the best as they cycle to Bungoma.
Please pass our well wishes and regards to the entire family and other friends of ACE.

All the best.
Wilberforce Simiyu.”

Enjoy

Jacob you were missed this afternoon, John and I were at soup kitchen – and it was all pretty manic. NO dogs , but they put Dad in charge of the drinks ………………..One of the regulars,James ,asked after you ,and he bought his guitar along to play for you.

Last night ,we went to see an amazing musical at the Young Vic – called ‘Human Comedy’, funny title really as it was in fact a tragedy ( cue STEPS dance routine ), about a telegram boy in California in 1942 who has to deliver the telegrams to the families of the men/boys killed in action. It was done in ‘deep-South Gospel style singing ‘ and the 50 strong chorus were made up of local people , so the audience were going crazy .It was an amazing atmosphere ( cue Russ Abbot dance routine for the over 40’s ). Anyway , it was amongst all these people that John chose to demonstrate his love for me – he gave me his last rolo- and it pulled my dam tooth out ! Just call me ‘Gappy’.

Today has been tricky, I’m not good with ‘Good-byes’ and the fact that peeps are off to college /Uni/italy, I find very hard- I know I will miss seeing Nats smiling face around the house. I wish them all well . I will hand over to Mark Twain for my favourite quote -this is my advice to all of you…………………

”Dance like there’s nobody watching,

Love like you’ve never been hurt,

Sing like there’s nobody listening

And live like it’s heaven on earth”.

90 weeks ago we said good-bye to Rosie- she was a person who followed this mantra- why did she have to leave us ? I just don’t get it.

Jacob’s friend recovers

Phew Jacob ,good news . I hope you’ve sent him back up to Berwick to collect the tents and bikes – tell him to google for local launderettes before he goes ?!

I’m back on The Benny Trail this afternoon . I wouldn’t mind , but he’s scuppered my planned route , by shutting half the tubelines in London, is he really saying mass on the central line ?

postscript

What I forgot to say is that I am constantly thinking of Jacob’s friend and really really really hope he gets better.I send him love and strength…

I feel sorry for the people who want to catch a bus from Putney to Merton

While I have been stalking The Pope ( more about that later), Jacob has been involved in an air/sea rescue mission ( but without the air , and the sea is pretty dubious ). Him and his friend cycled up to Berwick for a film festival. To keep expenditure to a minimum, they camped on the beach ,away from the road and over the sand dunes. On the last night , Jacob’s friend got really ill and was doubled, tripled , quadrupled up in pain, so they called an ambulance .To get to the road , Jacob had to carry his friend in his arms. Once in the ambulance and the paramedics had come round after inhaling 3 days worth of unwashed and slept- in clothes,and Jacob had managed to persuade them they hadn’t eaten any magic mushrooms,his friend was admitted to hospital and given morphine – while the ambulance man rushed out to buy a can of Glade..I’ll keep you informed.

Meanwhile back in West London, I have been so near yet so far from Benedict. Yesterday as Lorna and I drove past Wimbledon Common, we couldn’t fail to notice thousands of police,CCTV cameras, bus stops covered over and taken out of action ,TV cameras up lamp-posts, wombles wearing nuns habits etc etc. My first thought was that Jules and Jamie had had their 4th child in Parkside Hospital, and were about to emerge for George Michael to chauffeur them home .But I was wrong , it’s because Pope Benedict is residing in the Apostolic Nunicature ,while he stays in London. Then today I met 2 friends for coffee in Bushy Park , which is right next to , yes you’ve guessed it -St.Mary’s College, Strawberry Hill. How many helicopters does it take to track a little white van?

If you are having doubts………

For all those at or about to embark on indepth (?) studies at university , I would like to give you some wise words from Grandmama.

To put you in the picture- Lorna and I went to visit Grandma at Uplands today . She was feeling a bit under the weather, as was Lorna by the end of the visit .She cheered up when we started talking about the past and all her old friends. Grandma was telling us about how ,in 1980 her and Geoffrey were invited down to Devon , for a week to stay with their friends, Bobs and Peter. She told us she felt guilty about accepting as it was the week of my graduation in Sheffield. So she asked her wise friend Shirley-Ann what she should do. To which Shirley-Ann replied ,and I quote ”university- it’s only a load of crap anyway”. So with that buzzing in her ears , she set off for Devon !

Geoffrey is my Dad

If Geoffrey was alive now ,he’d be a right little trend setter. Have you read about all these late night live gigs in launderettes? Geoffrey loved his launderette. For all of those who didn’t know him, he didn’t just hang out there – well actually he did , usually with a fag in one hand and an odd sock in the other- chatting to his customers , he owned it . I worked there on a Saturday doing the service washes and cleaning out the clogged up soap trays. If you think that was glamorous, my first job was in a florist.I was paid 50p for 4hours and I wired up the wreaths- never even got to touch a flower !

Not on the megabus either

Yes Ed, you hit the jackpot. Dancing with Drew is a claim to faim ( unless of course they made you wear those flesh-coloured pants and corsets, in which case I’d shut up about it ) and seeing Paul O’Grady is a starspot ( unless he had his manky little dog with him- then i’d pretend not to know who he was )
PS has returned to Newcastle , which according to the Guardian ,has one of the best public turkish baths in the country- don’t know why he bothered going to Istanbul.

Matthew Cutler’s my favourite and now he’s on the bench.

Edward , my favourite was ‘Health and safety’. Your Mum says that you’d danced with one of them , Which one? Does this count as ‘a claim to fame’ or a ‘starspot’ ? Cos my hearing is so dam hit and miss, I thought I was the only one who couldn’t hear the words .You’re in the business, could you suggest sub-titles? If they quibble , throw the equal opps book at them .Yesterday it was Saddler’s Wells , today it was Battersea car-boot .Not quite the same clientele !

Did you see ‘Strictly ‘last night ? Once coming down off the ceiling after hearing the music ( it was the last ever programme I watched with Rosie . I thought that pairing of Anton and Ann Widdicombe ,a complete set up . He’s the token ‘com’ guy in it and she’s there to be laughed at .Plus they always match couples for their heights – he’s one of the tallest and she’s the shortest…plus- they’ve got rid of all the oldies ( except Brendan ) and left Brucie’s body double, Anton, in.

A day of Dance

Just been to see ‘Shoes’ at Sadler’s Wells – it was amazing . It’s written by Richard Thomas, who wrote ‘Jerry Springer-The Opera’ which I saw twice, it was so good and so rude.

Now its time for a large R&C and ‘Strictly’.

The BDT ( Brain distraction therapy ) continues……………….

PLEASE look at the phto.

Please click on ‘The Charity Page’ and you will see a recent photo of Brenda and another teacher, taken about a week ago at The Southend Academy. Thanks to all of you , Brenda is employed for at least 3 ( hopefully 5 ) years .Our lovely friend and ex- ealing neighbour from Hessel Road, Andy ,who is a trustee and hard worker for ACE ,has just returned from visiting the school. I’m happy that they are happy and you can see by the other photos, the students are happy….that has to be good.

The unhappy thing ,is that Grandma has had a fall and hit her head on the bathroom sink . She has a nasty cut over her right eye- and to give her credit and hasn’t moaned once and insisted when it happened last night, that Uplands should not ring me til this morning as she knew I’d be visiting today .

She can’t be too bad as she’s asked Jacob to bring KFC over tomo !

It was likean episode from ‘Changing Rooms’

John and I went straight from our session at The Child Bereavement Charity, up the M40 to Brum. It was all calm , Nanny cooked us lunch, John did some form filling for her and I opened a half closed curtain….then there was an almighty crash, the 3 of us all thought we’d had a heart attack as the whole curtain rail and 4 heavy curtains hit the deck .

Well Andrew might have told Nanny , but he hadn’t told me,NOT to touch them. The rest of the day was spent in B&Q, up ladders and substituting a blunt bread knife for a hacksaw.That was not for Andrew to try to murder me, but to cut the end of the new swish flexible flimsydoesn’twantounravelrail.

I defy you not to be humming this for the rest of the day

When you’re down and troubled

and you need a helping hand

and nothing , oh nothing is going right

close your eyes and think of Grandma

and soon she will be there

to brighten up even your darkest night

you just call her new number

and you know wherever you are

she’ll make you feel ten times worse

The BT engineer survived the visit,you can phone her now on 0208 677 1359

Read Jacobs comment from ‘The Stig’ entry, before you read this………

But the burning question ( literally ) Jacob is how’s your bot ? Travelling into the Sahara on that camel , was one of the most painful experiences of my life.At first we were all so jolly and chatty sitting on our lovely camels , we all laughed hysterically when the beast stood up and we nearly toppled over it’s head…..but 60mins into the ride ,with your coccyx digging into the saddle and the fear of loosing the use of both legs , it wasn’t quite so fun. Mind you camping under the stars and falling asleep to what should have been pure silence ,if it wasn’t for Rosie, Flo, Helen and their 4 friends laughing hysterically and you and Tim sharing your post-tagine sensory digestive noises, was amazing.

No sign of Flo – she must still be on the 65 bus !

Rosmary-I loved the photo

A big thank you today to Thomas Shickle , Rosie’s friend from Elthorne and Chelsea , who has just finished the 10 K Richmond River Run. All the money he raised is going to Rosie’s project at The Southend Academy.

It helps us to know people care and especially that they remember Rosie.

PS .has anyone read about ‘Accomplice’ run by The Menier Chocolate Factory and fancy doing it with me ? You need 10 people and ( big drawback) costs about £30 each ??

I chose the 2 of clubs.

Yesterday was a day of three halves. The first , a friend came for breakfast ,and I cooked up a delicious ( though I say it myself ) interpretation of Nigella’s lemon and polenta cake – for breakfasts’ sake we’ll call it a loaf -as it was that shape and it sounds too piggy to have cake, even though we surrounded it with blueberries, for breakfast.

The second ,nearly killed me, both in my heart and head .It was cognitively and emotionally draining ,and I questioned myself as to if I should have gone.( sometimes I kid myself I’m stronger than I am ). Luckily an elderly couple took me under their wing and the lady,Sonia held my hand throughout. Their son ,Stephen had survived meningitis, 20 years ago , and that morning he had reached the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro. He raised money for MRF.As a supporter of The Meningitis Research Foundation , I put my name down to go up to a site visit at the Medical school, Imperial College at St. Mary’s Hospital . The research was funded by the MRF and presented by 4 medics, the main one being Professor Mike Levin. I won’t go into detail, probably cos I didn’t understand most of it . but if anyone is interested I have 3 handouts I can photocopy for you.The discussion went on til beyond 5 , and so the visit to the Paediatric ITU Unit and to CL3 labs was cancelled .I don’t think I could have coped with them anyway.

The third took me from the sublime to the ridiculous. John and I went to see Chris Dugdale at The Riverside Studios. I guess you’d describe him as ‘a poor mans Derren Brown”. He did tricks, illusions , hypnosis and all that stuff. I was his Debbie McGee for 1 trick- to simplify, I had to think of a card ,and after a few ‘izzy whizzy lets get busy ‘ sort of stunts , he wrote the name of the card I had chosen on 3 separate dollar bills. He got it right. Him,John and a few glasses of Aspinalls Suffolk Cider , got me through the day.

News from Uplands

Grandmama is still there, 87% of the staff have left or handed their notice in ( joke ). Grandma told me that the lovely Patricia’s ( The activities organiser ) husband was building a barn in the courtyardy garden outside Grandma’s window. I imagined something like the one in ‘Witness’ , until I spoke to Patricia and found out it’s a BAR – and not the type ballet dancers hold onto to do their ‘pas de ders’ ( not much use for one of those in Uplands )- sounds good to me. Grandma is now sitting on her wonderful new fleecy ,sent from Sally in NZ, she’ll have to make sure she doesn’t spill one of her 6 daily mugs of cappuccino ( instant – and half price in Sains this week ) on it . Grandmama and I picnic’ d in the Rookery, and I had a bit of a star spot – the girl who plays Karen, in Outnumbered, was with her mum , and walking their dog .I recognised her voice.I tried to explain the whole prog to grandma, but gave up and bought a her a 99 ( Grandma ,not Ramona whatsername ). Returned to Uplands through the wooded area – not quite a beauty spot , but Streathams well known dogging area – never seen so much activity in the trees.
Jacob is sweltering in 40 degrees heat in Marrakech

Birthdays

Thank you for all your birthday wishes to CJ. Birthdays are hard. They are no longer the big celebrations they used to be 87 weeks ago. I know in my head , they are to be recognised and celebrated, but my heart is so damaged and my brain so overloaded with love and yearning for Rosie, that it is hard to remember that. All I do know is that ,I have to be with John, Jacob and Florence to feel, safe, secure and truly happy.

I will always remember how happy Rosie was on her 19th Birthday.

This day in 1956, a lovely , kind ,funny,gentle boy was born.

Calamity J is 54 years old today . We have just been getting all emotional over a coat- hanger. John has a lovely solid wooden coat hanger which he keeps in the right hand side of his wardrobe. It has the number 65 burnt onto the top of if. His dad,Patsy, did this for him when he went off to boarding school in 1965, as that was his school role number. I think that’s lovely.

When Jacob and Flo wake up we’ll do something nice.

i might have been last in The Crabbing and Contract league tables, but I was master of the Boules.

Bert , I love the lime green…and the photos . the first one is taken with Mary in our back garden, the second overlooking the beach at Tenby ,and the third ( which I cannot bear to look at ) with Katie -not sure where.

The 4 intrepid explorers are back fro Walberswick- it was fab, beaut ,wet,sunny,windy,gastronomic. John cycled most of Suffolk, while Jacob, Florence and I walked, cream tea’ d , crabbed , swam etc etc. In seven days we……Called for Shirley- Ann at 8 am, swam in the sea ( don’t forget it’s the North sea , so dam cold and not a wetsuit in sight ), had hot choc in the beach-hut , recovered, played boules,ate fishcakes, drank Adnams/ walked to Southwold,got ripped off by a Greek olive Seller , picnic’ d on the beach , went hysterical courtesy of Tim Hunkin , on the pier ,night time BBQ on the beach, under a full moon , made a fire ( beach hut still intact )/ long walk Aldeburgh to Thorpeness ,through the RSPB area ( didn’t spot any birds ,but Jacob found a big stick and terrorised us with it – he got so attached to it – a Sonic replacement ? – he’s bought it home ). Bought fish & chips from, Diane Abbots favourite place to eat in the UK ,and ate them on the beach under the stars /huge walk in the pouring rain to Dunwich though the woods , cream tea and then back along the beach- absolutely stunning, dins at The Anchor/ got the ferry just to buy a crab sandwiches/beach,boules,cream tea,more boules, comedy fest. back to The Anchor at 11pm for a nightcap and a specially made white choc bread and butter pudding , that Sophie had taken off the menu , but made specially for us – it was nearly as good as Jacobs./A huge farewll breakfast today with Shirley Ann, Caroline and Matthew Plus of course too many games of ‘contract’ to mention.Plus plus got over the fact the cams had copied us with their choice of names ..Florence,Rose ,Pasty or Unemployment Blackspot ( or something else Cornish ).

happy Hols

I’ve packed all the essentials, bucket/crabbing lines/rotten meat/net/scrabble- we are off to Walberswick tomorrow for a week.

Didn’t Chekov name a play after this walk ?

I think today’s one has to be in my top 3 ” where you can get the train easily,walk miles, see the sea ,cliffs ,2 lighthouses , rolling hills and end it with a glass of chilled white in a little bar right on the beach” walks ( without leaving the country.)

If you fancy doing it , its a train to Seaford ( deserted), a walk up a huge cliff ( absolutely NO talking at this point – got to check I can still breath ), fantastic, beautiful ,stunning stroll along eroding cliff top ( top-tip…don’t go near edge ) with ‘The Seven Sisters’ in your sight at all times ( unless you’ve ignored my top-tip and in that case you’ll be in The English Channel ,awaiting the emergency services ).Clamber down rocks onto the beach at Cuckmere Haven. IMPERATIVE – have huge picnic – you know you need those carbs. Walk up the river to Seven Sisters Visitor centre,( avoiding the welcome sign to The Golden Galleon Pub ) ,quicken your pace, not just cos you’re busting for the loo, but because The 13X bus only runs once an hour and there’s 3 minutes til it arrives. Bus arrives on time, no time to find the toilet , so get on bus in a clammy hot sweat ,trying not to do big strides, laugh or sneeze. Ask helpful, friendly bus driver to tell you where to get off for Beachy Head . This he dutifully does. Get off where he tells you, cross road, find bush. After emerging from bush ( no longer sweating and able to take proper strides ), curse the day the happy, helpful bus driver was born , as he’s told you to get off 2 bus-stops early and so we are faced with a hill the size of Kilimanjaro ,and have at least Three very steep Sisters, left to walk. Oxygen is getting thin , so save energy by not talking and plan in head what to have at the Beachcomber bar ( also avoid taking down numbers of The Samaritans – I think they are there for people who are suicidal – not just cross with The Bus driver ). Eventually hit the downhill run – compare it to something you’ve seen on ‘Ski Sunday’.

Get to BC bar , order, sit , sip ….and my final top tip – don’t take your walking shoes off( unless there are no seats left and you want to clear a space ), cos you’ll never get them back on again .

Doing stuff

Yesterday, John was at work, Jacob was in Newcastle and Florence was out and about …so I went for a swim /had breakfast with Mandy/lunch with Judy /evening drinkies with Moira. Anything there ring alarm bells that tell you I don’t like being on my own ?

Beautiful words

I write on this website for one reason , I love Rosie and I can’t bear the thought you’d ever forget her. I apologise if I repeat myself, but stuff gets stuck in my head and I have to say it or it sends me half crazy. As I’ve mentioned before , I find it very hard to get stuck into a book , my mind goes AWOL, and I end up reading the same page over and over again – til I just give up. However,I am drawn like a moth to a flame , to words written by a parent whose child has died. I instantly feel a bond with them and want to put an invisible protective arm around their child – it makes no sense , I’ve never met them, yet I feel so close to them.

I don’t know if you read the article in Saturday’s Guardian entitled ”I found a message in a bottle”.It was written by Karen Liebreich, an English woman , who came into possession of a washed up plastic bottle, which contained a letter by an anonymous French woman, whose son ,Maurice , had died in a cycling accident , aged 13. I read it ,and found it profoundly moving. I guess its because I struggle with trying to express how I feel, and am bowled over when someone writes such beautiful and moving language. She wrote. ”Forgive me for being so angry at your disappearance ,I still think there’s been some mistake and I keep waiting for God to fix it………Forgive me for not having known how to protect you from death .forgive me for not having been able to find the words at that terrible moment when you slipped through my fingers” and like every other bereaved parent ( with a faith or not ), she concludes ”While God gives me life, I promise you to live it to the full, to savour each instant in richness and serenity know that we will find one another, when the time comes”.

We cling to this .

The fam est arrivee

My Big Brother Richard ,and his family,Lise,Nicolai and Victoria are in town…so Grandmama has dined out twice in 4 days ,while we have Bday brunched with them and are BBQing tonight.

Meanwhile over to the East of town , I hear that Nat and Adam made a beaut prom Queen and King.

Not even a win on the raffle

106 was jumping last night…and that was just John and I grooving to ‘DJ Nat’s ipod megamix’, from the isolation of the front room. I knew they’d have a good night cos the last song played was Hot Chip’s – ‘Girl from School'( or something like that ) , and I was with Rosie, in Richmond, when she bought that CD ,and played that track over and over again – I can see her now dancing to it now.So I like to think she was with them at Madame Coco( or similar ).

This afternoon was The Uplands Summer Fair …all in a good cause I milked a mock cow for a minute. Whoever got the most ml , won a box of Dairy Milk- I came 2nd to last. Grandmama endeared herself to everybody , by saying ”at The Brigstock Fair, they used to do……..”

Thank You to the British Rail Transport Police ,who let me travel free.

Lots of stuff happened yesterday , some of it a bit weird. At the start of the hols, Mandy and I penciled in the 11th for a long cliff top walk. It might sound crazy , but I feel closest to Rosie and Jane when I am near the sea. I love the Seaford to Cuckmere Haven , The Seven Sisters, Broadstairs to Margate ones and so I left it to Mand to chose a different ‘foolproof , never to get lost on’ (as it happened we got lost in St.Pancras Station ) walk. The other thing you need to know, is that ,sadly on 30th July ,Martin O’Neil youngest son of Rita and Jack ,died. He was 6 weeks younger than me. Our families lived opp. each other in St.Oswald’s Road and we holidayed in Devon together. The last fateful holiday was when Martin and I were around 7 .We fought like cat and dog , til I pinned him down and bit him all up his arm . he retaliated by shutting my head in some sliding doors – that was the end of that beautiful relationship ! Anyway ,last week , his brother David sent me details of Martin’s funeral – but I just could not face going….Now , back to the walk – we’d climbed the cliff, picnic’ d by the lighthouse, sat on the beach at St Margaret’s Bay, climbed another cliff , sat on a bench looking out at the most beautiful aqua sea, sang our songs , printed off by me -‘White Cliffs of Dover ‘( obvious choice ) , ‘American Pie’ ( so many verses )- then walked on and on and on until we saw a buzz of activity and ,still on the coastal path , we found ourselves 2 metres away from ‘Walmer and Kingsdown Golf Club’ , where the party to celebrate Martin’s life, continued. Do you think that’s spooky ? So in all our glory – sweat,walking boots, rucksacks etc, we briefly joined the celebration, chatted to David ( Martins Brother and loyal visitor to Grandmama ), Janet ,Martin’s wife and his beautiful twin daughters . Then we exited ,back onto the cliff and stopped for a drink, walked into Deal, got lost, then realised I’d lost my purse , complete with train ticket,credit cards, Oystercard, Kew card , £50 credit note from ‘Office shoeshop’ etc etc, but worst of all photos of my 3 beautiful children.

What sort of sad people watch GMTV anyway ?

I went to visit a poorly friend in hospital today. En route I stopped off at Smiths in Richmond to buy her some trashy magazines. I was in the queue and some woman shouted over ”I’ve seen you on the telly’,( very uncouth for Richmond- she was obviously just visiting ) I did a half turn , then saw she was directing her comments at Ben Shepherd ,who was behind me in the queue !

A record , 3 times in a day= 5.30,1.30 & 6.30 ( news)

I got so swamped with all those film offers, I missed the theatre .If you know me , one of my things is being early – I HATE being late , I get all hot and stressy ( could be my age ? ). So we got up to The Vesbar, Shepherds Bush at 7.10, sat down with a glass of chilled white , chatted, chatted more , left at at 7.50 to go over the road to The Bush Theatre , to see ( or not ) ‘A very British Country Fete ‘ starting at 8pm – except in didn’t ….it started at 7.30.We were then told that it was one act , no interval, and if we were to go in , we would be on the stage – I couldn’t see a problem with that .So……..we retraced our steps back to The Vesbar, adding crisps to our order of choice.

It has to be good news about the meningitis breakthrough , doesn’t it ?

It’s just like being in ‘The Osbornes’.

If you didn’t see the piece on the 5.30am ITV news – 19mins in ( not that I’m a sad old witch ,who has watched herself this morning and would like to apologise for closing my eyes- but it stops the tears from coming ), it might be repeated on the 1.30news. So 120 of you budding artists have now had their work displayed on national television – something else for the CV !

Jacob , good to know your are back up north safely . now, cycle with care , we don’t want 2 calamity J’s in the family .

Just another manic Sunday

A usual sort of sunday . Woke up ,thinking 84 long sad weeks without Rosie. Did the soup kitchen with Jacob , which was really happy and enterprising as one of the men brought his electric hair clippers , we found an extension lead and all manner of artistic haircuts were performed , just outside the back door .Tomorrow they are having their annual summer outing to Clacton – my name’s down on the list for next year ! After prepaing dins for 11 as The SOC are coming round , an ITN film crew dropped in to film me in the kitchen ( with Rosie’s collaborative portrait in the background ) talking about a very emotional and passionate subject – research into meningitis. So go tune your skybox’s to 5.30 am ITN news ( the least watched of all the programmes.)- cos i know none of you ‘ll be up to watch it . if you are – what’s wrong – do you need sleeping tablets ??

Got any unwanted Christmas gifts ?

Don’t be fooled by all that Nancy and Dorothy stuff. Lord Andrew L.W. knows how to write a smutty story when he wants to . Last night we went to see ‘Aspects of Love’ at The Meunier Chocolate Factory- couldn’t keep up with who was doing what with whom – and that was just in the audience.

A date for your diary – the Uplands Summer Fare, next Saturday – Grandmama has been delivering leaflets- ably pushed by the lovely activities organiser,Patricia.

** We did see a killing though

Three picnics in two days – a personal record. Yesterday lunchtimes’ walk was taken from my book ‘The most amazing places to walk in Britain ( page 72 -if you’ve got too much time on your hands and you want to look it up ). All was going swimmingly , we had walked by the Thames In Cookham , gawping at where the rich and famous live i.e. Rolf Harris.Then we went over the fields , climbed Winter Hill, got lost, retraced our steps,got more lost and then the dreaded mobile phone call came ” come to casualty , do not pass go”. I won’t embarrass the victim by naming names , but suffice it to say ,it involved a stud ( steady Georgina) , hard ground, a tackle and an ankle.We emerged two hours later with a pair of crutches , a pair of rugby boots and some ibuprofen- from Ealing casualty, NOT ,Winter Hill Woods.

Then last night we had our picnic in Kew Gardens .On every Thursday it’s open to members til 9pm . It looked so beautiful ,with the Palm House , fountain,Orangery etc lit up . All was going well there too , until we tried to get out . Mr Burly officious security guard ( I know , in Kew Gardens ? ), wouldn’t let us out the main gate , where we’d parked the car, said we had to walk miles ( actually about 300 metres) to Victoria Gate- where we hadn’t parked the car. So we hatched up a plan , created a decoy and snook past him in the bushes. The SAS don’t know what they’re missing.

Then today we did No 12 in our book ”Tea shop walk in the Chilterns.”. pretty uneventful- only got lost twice and never saw a tea shop .

** A bird of prey swooping in and carrying off a pigeon.

La cuenta por favour

Yesterday , you could have been forgiven for thinking we were in Spain . It wasn’t the fact that Jacob, Florence and I were wearing sombreros and factor 50, but for the stuff we did. We had planned to go to the beach at Climping,but,rain stopped play and so instead we hit The Southbank. First stop- The Imax. I was an Imax virgin, but having been there, its fab. We saw Toy Story 17- having never seen the other 16 , I was worried I wouldn’t understand the plot , but rest assured , it was like an old editions of Crossroad – very little plot and people who spoke quite clearly(?) – except minus The Brummie accent and Amy Turtle..Buzz Lightyear’s hips when he flamenco danced were amazing – how do they do that with a puppet thing ?

From there we hit The Hayward Gallery and saw , Ernesto Neto’s exhibition ‘The edges of The World’.Don’t be confused ,he is not the founder of the chain of cheap supermarkets , but a Brazilian artist who I think,family owns a net curtain company – I’ve never seen so much of the stuff. We took our shoes off and got stuck in . While on the roof , dipping my fingers into his swimming pool, I had a memory lapse , thought I was back in the South of France, and the rest nearly coming off. Luckily I was stopped in my tracks by the security guard approaching Jacob , as he entered a brightly coloured tent , which he thought was an exhibit – it was the women’s changing room !

Then the day was completed with a jug of sangria and plates and plates of tapas at one of our favourite little London restaurant Mar e Terra in Gambia street .

I guess people’ll ask me ‘did you cry in Toystory’ ? ( all the press write about how the film makes grown men cry .). Its odd , I don’t cry so much now over stuff that doesn’t matter and isn’t real.My tears are from my soul and so deep-rooted for Rosie, what she should be doing and what we should be doing with and alongside her.

gastronomique

What a good idea Jacob.They could be an ‘Amous Bouche’ ( I defy you not to google that one ), after our deep fried pizza( which I believe has taken over in sales, from The DF Mars Bar in a Glaswegian chippy.) and our actic roll with a rocky road coulis.

Ready steady,can’t cook – cos your electrical appliance blows up

If you’d have popped in to 106 last night , you’d been forgiven for thinking you were in Algeria. No ,Jacob wasn’t wearing his lush, yellow ochre harem pants, but Flo and I had been following the recipes in Saturdays Guardian ( No ‘Sun’ fried jam sandwiches for us ). It took us about 2 hours to make falafel – 26hrs if you count soaking the chick peas ( 69p for a HUGE bag – so this is now my main ingredient of choice ), and about 3 hours to clean up the kitchen and go and buy a new blender thing , as Jane’s mini one , that I bought her about 15 years ago, finally gave up the ghost. We also made hummus and a sweetcorn/coriander/tomato relish thing…and then the belly dancing commenced ………….

I think it was OK that our falafel were green inside.

The phone saga continues……..

Sally – aah Grandmama’s phone- another saga. As you know she had one had Brigstock Manor ( which she now likens to The Four Seasons resort in The Maldives). When she moved to her first room in Addington Heights ( which she now likens to The Staff Quarters at the Dorchester ), I’d booked for The BT engineer to connect a new line . I cancelled this when she moved to her second room at Addington Heights ( which she now likens to the Royal Suite at Gleneagles ). When she decided to move to Uplands ( which fluctuates between Wormwood Scrubs and your local YMCA – where everyone pops in ) I cancelled BT again and re-jigged the connection to Uplands . After 2 weeks there, she’s instructed me to cancel the Uplands connection , as she doesn’t know what to do. Can you be expelled from BT for wasting their time and impersonating and 89 yr old woman ? If yes, I’ll switch to ‘Sky’- or put myself up for adoption.

So I’ll let you know when a final decision has been made and a phone line connected- I’m tempted by the 2 empty baked bean cans on a connecting piece of string.

Today I turned over the calender , just like clicking on Rosie’s website on the 21st of each month, the new pictures pierce my heart….again. August’s photo , is of The SOC , out of Elthorne uniform, In the Bunny park , I think . From L to R is Manpreet,Stu, Izzy, Holly, Laura, Nikki and Rosie . Why Izzy are you the only one doing a Charlie’s Angels impression?

Also today is The national crabbing competition in Walberswick – next year I’m doing it ( I know I said that last year ).

Also also today , 2 years ago , the 5 of us were in Barcelona. we had been to Picasso Museum in the morning and about this time were on The open Top bus , burning our heads. I think about that holiday a lot – we were so happy . here I go , that dam ‘why’ question again. I love her and miss her every waking second – and a lot of the sleeping ones too.

Don’t tell em you didn’y go to Cornwall’s famous naturist beach

Lorna , I certainly did not – I was lead to believe it was a ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang themed beach , so I adopted an Edwardian look and wore an all in stripey costume ,complete with legs , look. The reason it took so long to walk over the cliffs to the beach , was cos John was pulling the authentic bathing hut – not that he was as drunk as Dick Van Dyke. Don’t bother joining offyourfacebook – just come round and see the snaps I’ve got on my digi camera.

John and I went to visit The Big G. today . Three weeks and one day in her new home , and still not happy ………….help ?!

Where are you all on hols ?

We’re home from La Croix Valmer, safe well , glowing , and in John’s ,case toned and fit. he hired a bike for a couple of days , and in preparation for ‘Cycle Kenya for Rosie’ , went steaming up the mountains for 8 hours at a time. I did the dutiful wife bit – out for coffee, lounged by the pool and gawped at everyone through my extra dark Primani shades.Then when Neal and him did super long hilly runs, Dec and I made Mojitos and cracked open the chilled ,local ,vin blanc- all so tiring in 28 degree sunshine .

Last Friday , the 4 of us did an amazing cliff top walk to a secluded beach , only reached by foot . It is the beach that Chitty Chitty bang band lands off after flying off a cliff in Sussex. There weren’t many people on the beach , but funnily enough – they had ALL forgotten to pack their swimming costumes. I think the French have a problem with memory loss , as when , a couple of days later ,we walked to a different secluded beach , over the cliffs from Gigaro, those people had forgotten theirs too ( but they obviously didn’t have a problem finding their razors ).

As for the meals out – fandabbydozy. We went to a beautiful restaurant ‘The Farm’ – set prix ( no reference to the beach ) and no choice. Four amazing courses, as much vino as you want , in the most beautiful rustic,French chic ( Think A year in Provence meets The Petersham Nurseries ), surroundings. Then another night we went to a fabulous fish restaurant right on the beach, with waves breaking about 4 yards from our feet.

We felt very safe and looked after .

spot the deliberate mistake

Yes, Georginina , those photos are lovely. I’ve a feeling that first one of the family was taken on my 37th Birthday , about 4 years ago. The next one is taken in 2004 on a BA flight back from Dar Es Salaam, the kids were all going crazy and the adults made the most of the free bar . Don’t you love Tim’s hat , he wore it all holiday ? Jacob and Tim also bought Hyena bashers, but we made them pack them in their cases.- for obvious reasons. ( even though there were no hyenas on the plane ).

What do lovers of art do when they go to a gallery ?..Go in, well not us we shot straight past and headed for the cafe. Grandmama and Jacob indulged in Pimms as it was the last drink The Big G. bought Rosie when we went there in summer 08 .The only difference being , there were bits of fruit left in the bottom of their glasses – Rosie always demolished the lot – peel as well.

We are off to St.Tropez tomorrow , to stay with our lovely ,kind and generous friends ,Declan and Neal and Dottie ,so Au revoir. xxxx

Yum yum

Today ,Jacob and I returned to the scene of the crime ..’.Jamie’s Italian’, this time clutching tokens worth £30 ,received after I politely wrote that 3 pretty girls at the desk ,did nothing to help the waiter with a restaurant full of hungry diners -and over an hour is too long to wait for an inferior bowl of ravioli. Lorna you’ll be glad to know that today we received 5* service and the food was fab ( esp the chicken salad – tasted more Thai than Italian , but who am I to know ? ), so it is back to Plan A and I will be taking you there for your birthday after all.

I’ve had a few complaints lately to say there aren’t enough medical matters discussed here. Well, one year on , and the same toenail I lost last year after walking the Kent cliffs , has suffered again post 10 K ,i.It has gone black and is about to drop off – for all of those about to have dinner – enjoy ,and watch out for any crunchy bits in your coleslaw !

Next nday we’re getting the paddling pool out to complete our swimming training

Us finely tuned athletes , once again rose to the challenge ( despite 2 of us not feeling so chipper after too much cider at The Ealing Comedy Festival the night before). Florence was excused as she’s in Spain , but with borrowed bikes from Bob, Trevor and Winston , the 3 amigos set off on The Ealing Skyride. I soon set the pace and left the others standing . Jacob did one lap , before going off piste and heading to Richmond park for a greater challenge and less kids on bikes with stabilisers cutting you up . John did 3 laps and I managed about 5 – or , it might have been 2 ?

At one point I was riding side by side with my dentist. After polite hellos , I said ”I have a lot of pressure on my large cavity ” , to which she replied ” get a bigger saddle then ”…..

On Coldershaw road , while stopping ( again) for a piece of homemade lemon drizzle cake , at a little stall raising money for charity ,outside the house where we had our ‘Running for Rosie’ BBQ last week, I met my new bessie mate ,Kulveer Singh, Boris’s Director for Transport. Of course I questioned him about Boris’s whereabouts …at a lunch meeting . Do we believe that ?

There was a touching moment in Lammas Park- Bob was having trouble putting on his luminous tabard as the wind was blowing up. John movingly stuck his Velcro sides together and they cycled off into the sunset together?

Stu – where were you ?

Brian Ferry’s aged well

OMG ,I’ve just had a double dose,and I’m not talking about the Thai green curry I had last night. No, I’ve just watched last night’s Jonathan Ross,was it me or was it sad at the end ? And isn’t David Beckham one of the most beautiful, gentlest men ,you have ever seen ? Can’t stop , I’m off to get my box of Lego out

Its a drive in Saturday

Two things effect the way I’m feeling today ( three if you count the Thai meal I shared with Fiona last night ).

1- I hate good-byes

2. he makes me laugh.

JR said a fond farewell on his radio show this morning. I got all teary and sad. I HATE that time on a Saturday anyway ,as Rosie would be saying goodbye and going off to Waitrose . I think the BBC are mad to end his contract.

Came home last night to a lovely gift – Anna S. had dropped off a banoffee pie- BIG thanks, just the ticket after Tempura Veg, pork dumplings and prawn phad thai – well you’ve got to keep your energy levels up for the Ealing skyride ( otherwise known as the ninth stage of the Tour de France )

Izzy , you MUST do it -it would make Rosie laugh .x

Izzy , I don’t think it matters if you sign up – how on earth can they police it .Do you have the luxury of owning a bike – or are you going to improvise like us ( like when I was a student and we couldn’t afford a Christmas Tree , so we decorated the clothes airer ) ?

I bet you’ll all be fighting to come with me now

Went to see Grandmama at ‘Uplands’ today – she was slightly happier as Dr.Mansfield, who she worked with years ago had visited her . He told her his wife had died , so I’m hoping he might be looking for a replacement and take Grandma off my hands.

I dragged her off to exercise class this morning , led by the lovely Marco. I plonked myself between Grandma and a wonderful 101 yr old Chinese lady called Auntiedu ( well I think that’s the rough translation )- she was amazing . I asked her if she spoke Mandarin . She thought that I could speak Mandarin ( obviously heard about my reputation as head of MFL ) and so jabbered away to me for about 10 minutes , until I explained , I was only asking. The whole session ended in a sit-down action version of’ The Birdie Song’.

Talking of class-acts…..How were The Mystery jets last night ?

Actually it’s not that strange, but it is true.

Have you clicked onto the new section ”London 10K Run for Rosie 10K” ? Can you guess who selected the 7 photos ( clue – it wasn’t ,Bert,John , Florence or me ) ? I especially love the one of Helenka’s toe , just before Richard C. conducted a surgical procedure on it . But am a bit miffed that there’s one photo of Stu and Flo running , while the photographer’s favourite , is stood talking and having a drink.

Talking of finely tuned athletes , The Dwyers have all signed up for this Sundays’ Ealing Skyride ( for all you country bumpkins , Boris closes loads of streets , including Coldershaw , and so all us frustrated cyclists can pedal away to our hearts content.) ..but there are just 4 minor problems:-

1) Florence is in Spain – I know, a feeble excuse.

2) I don’t have a bike

3) Jacob’s bike in Newcastle

4) Today ,John’s bike was stolen………and if you were about to suggest he cheated and went round on his scooter, that too would be a no no , as someone broke into that and stole his battery.

So, sadly, we are not the best equipped family in the borough.

Today was odd, I was on the train to Crowhurst , to meet up with Bev and go for a walk on the beach. At Tonbridge , we were all instructed to get off the train , as there was a tree on the line , and there would be no further trains. I phoned Bev , and she kindly drove up to Tonbridge to meet me. Meanwhile I made base camp in Cafe Nero. En route to the loo, I heard a voice say ”hello Rachel” – it was a friend I used to work with in Brum , who I haven’t seen for ages . Strange but true.

J&J had about 7 photos each

I think I have an admirer or possibly , a stalker. I have just spent the last half an hour , in hysterics, looking at all the official ( and dam expensive, if you order them ) photos of Sunday’s 10 K. Of course , after looking at all The Dwyer ones ,I looked at everyone else’s whose surname I could remember. Interestingly, some of the slower runners- Izzy, Anna, Gill ,Nikki, only have 3 photos, but me, with my metaphorical running hat on ,has a record 48 photos . Even my fellow finely tuned co-runners ,Mandy and Kay , only have 29 and 13 photos respectively. I reckon I was being scouted for the 2012 Olympics.

Bob , there are NO photos of you – did you strip off again this year ?

Also ,from Sunday , I have some lovely bowls lurking by my bread bin – so let me know if one of them is yours and I’ll stop soaking my feet in it

I don’t normally encourage gambling , but…………………

Who needs a half-baked octopus in Germany ,when you’ve got the Dwyer children .Four years ago Rosie was in Italy ,when they won the world cup , tomorrow Florence heads for Spain , who are celebrating their world cup victory .Jacob has just started saving for his trip to his 2014 trip of a lifetime to Cleethorpes , so….you heard it here first- that cup’ll be coming home. I advise you to get down to Paddy Power tomorrow.

RFR- part2

Thank you to everyone yesterday who helped , be it shopping, cooking , making, washing-up, meeting, greeting, talking, laughing,eating, drinking,world-cup watching, drinking-games participating, swinging ( not in the way you’re thinking – but on the garden swing ), Rosie T Shirt wearing, walking ,running , toilet finding, medal wearing , non-medal wearing ( if like me you CBA’ d to find the place they gave them out ), clearing awaying ,travelling, hitting their head on the bird-feeder, secret garden providing….the list goes on .

Also thanks to Sarah Brown and Thor , who supported us from Greece and went on a 20k walk wearing their ‘Running for Rosie’ T-shirt

and to Laura , who was back in Italy , where she was with Rosie , 4 years ago, who too wore her T-shirt, and once again thought of Rosie and impressed the locals !

I send you all my love.

Running for Rosie

Running for Rosie British 10k 11th July 2010

A massive thank you to everyone that ran, walked, supported and helped out in yesterday’s Run for Rosie. It was very special day and I’m sure it made Rosie smile.

Another massive thank you that you for all of you that have raised and donated money for Rosie’s fund with ACE Africa. Since the fund started 70 individial Just Giving Pages have been set up and yesterday the total smashed £40,000!!!!!!!

That means a lot to the Dwyers but even more to the children of the Southend Academy in Northern Kenya.

To maintain the support for ACE, in October Jacob and I are taking part in the Cyle Kenya Challenge. So despite the fact you have already been very generous, please help to keep Rosie’s memory alive and support the children of the The Southend Academy by donating on www.justgiving.com/Jacob-John-Cycle-for-Rosie

Thank you

John

XXXXX

A HUGE thank you to everyone who is supporting us today and Running /walking/hobbling for Rosie. …it helps to know you care.

Didn’t sleep last night – worried about Grandma , today, thinking about Rosie – yet dreading deaming of her , cos the reality is too harsh when I wake up . I’ll be holding her hand every step of the 10 K.

I’m talking about JR …again

You’ll be pleased to know Paula resisted the temptation and kept her pants on. Mind you , it would have been cruel to see Tom Jones sweat anymore ! Two questions-a) why did he wear that stupid wool jacket and b) where was Delilah when we needed her ? , I felt shortchanged he didn’t belt it out .

A big discussion point in The Dwyer household this week , is who will JR have on as his final musical guest ? I thought I’d clinched it with my suggestion of David Bowie, as he’s the only artist JR plays on his Sat morn prog. every week. So Roxy Music are a huge disappointment- unless of course you’re carol Hart and went to Sheffield Poly 1976-79 . My top 4 would have been Brucie Springsteen ( no chance ) , kings of Leon ( even less chance ) or The Killers or Neil diamond who were both previously on , sang about 3 songs , went into the audience and were utterly , jawdroppingly amazing. This morning JR played ‘Absolute beginners’ by David Bowie- what a beautiful song .I’m about to print off the lyrics and that will be my song of choice to Rosie during the 10K tomo – that’s if Mandy lets me get it in between her rendition of ‘Windmills of my Mind’.

I couldn’t have done it without Jacob and Florence.

I stirred it in , it wasn’t too thick – but very dark brown ( you can imagine what it looked like without even having experienced the sunday morning hopfarm toilets ).but it still tasted like sewagery seawater- any tips ?

Moving Grandma for the 2nd time in 3 weeks has near dam physically and mentally finnished me off. When your heart is broken ( suddenly ) it affects your whole being – you feel exhausted ,so so so sad, lonely, its difficuilt to think /make decisions and as for putting ‘your mask’ everyday…..I need an escape in the form of the penulimate JR and a strong R&C.

Thank you to Steph,Lorna, Claire and Bob for sending Grandma ‘ ‘moving home’cards -Now you can do it again , this time to :-

Room 29,

Uplands Care Home,

254 Leigham Court road,

Streatham

S.W.16 2QH

quantities please

Georgina, I’m sorry ,but it did not float my boat. This morning I went off piste , and instead of the usual honey on my porridge ( half skimmed, half water , with added bran – I should be a size 10 ), I opted for your Heston Bluementhalesque recommendation ,of Marmite- were 2 heaped teaspoons too much ?

Who was this woman ?

Grandmamama was assessed today for yet another new home. I think she morphed into Barbara Streisand. she was all singing all dancing ( without leaving her chair or letting go of her rotator ), said she’d love a foot massage, but I know she LOATHES her feet being touched , and when asked if she’d taken any illegal drugs , she said yes , she’d had heroin once ! She suddenly sounded like a female version of The Grandad in ‘Little Miss Sunshine’.

The big move takes place on Friday – she’s on 6weeks probation , so watch this space ………………..

Some people are so kind ,thoughtful and lovely

Two really touching things happened today .

1.Mr shillito , Rosies head of year at Elthorne sent us a lovely letter and a CD of photos of Rosie. I cannot bear to look at them ( or let the CD out of my sight ) , so if any of the Elthorne crowd want to come for a viewing , just shout , you can look and I’ll peep through the crack in the door , until the day I can cope with looking.

2. The new Mystery Jets ‘Serotonin’ LP/CD was released , and under the title ”thanks to” on the sleeve are the names Jacob,Rosie and Florence Dwyer.

Its not unusual…….

Would you like the opportunity to throw your pants at Tom Jones?

I have 3 tickets for ‘Friday night with Jonathan Ross’. It will be filmed this Thursday at BBC Studios, but I advise you get there early to get a seat . I think cos its his penultimate show, it’ll be a corker and the music is always FANTASTIC. So please .please let me know, I don’t want them to go to waste.

I think Izzy P, your experience of a the sawdust at the Bestival toilets, would have made the experience , a more pleasant one.

I go to the coolest festival in town , and come back looking like I’ve been to Thorpe Park . No , not the windswept/dirty/matted hair/sweaty/overdosed on junk food/about to be sick look ( although those do apply ) , but my arm is adorned with 2 fluorescent plastic green and yellow wristbands. I was hoping for the trendy fabric ones , so it looked I’d been to glastonbeniroskildefest.

We got down and dirty with the over 50’s , and quite a few under. Saw Blondie( hasn’t Debbie heard of runproof mascara ? ), Van Morrison, Magic Numbers , Laura Marling ( Rosie loved her – and that’s who she is singing to with the SOC in our kitchen , on her video – so that was way to sad to handle ), ,Seasick Steve, Mumford and Sons, Ray Davies, Bobby Dylan ( I don’t have to state the obvious here – i was dreading he’d sing ‘Blowing in the Wind’ , luckily he didn’t. On the other hand he might have done , but I didn’t recognise it ), and other stuff like the Brass Celt Cuban Band System.

One of the hi lights was a relaxed, sitting in the sunshine ,champagne, BBQ of burgers and haloumi ,breakfast on Saturday morning , outside our ( borrowed )VW camper van with Sarah, Richard, Jacob, Emily , Helen and Becca . I hope Rosie would have been proud of us ( apart from the crying and staring at girls that looked , from the back, like her – therefore crying more , but trying to cover it up).

I still , and will always count the days , 80weeks ago today.

Wish us luck

Oh Stu – it all sounds like you were hobnobbing with the rich and famous . Did you tell Fatboy about his neighbours being your Gran and Grandad ? Did you tell Stevie it was one of your Birthdays and he sang a little song for you .? Did Stevie’s car get a click ? What were the toilets like ? How did’ the early morning run round the site 10k training go’ ? So many questions which festival next ?

Jacob and I are taking The Big G to see another old folks Home in Streatham , this afternoon. Then tonight we pick up our (BASIC) campervan. Perhaps we could kill 2 birds with one sone , and Grandma could live in that .

How many people did you click – did you have to swop hands ?

Sally ,scroll down and you’ll see Joan’s address under ‘What football ?’. The BT engineer ,is calling there on the 10th July ( good luck to the poor guy ) so then ,hopefully Grandmama can receive calls and resume her telephone dating ( in my dreams ).

Stu , was he with Zoe and Woody and fatgirlbabyslim? How was the world of work – favourite band , Glasto moment etc etc? I bet it was Mumford and Sons or Seasick Steve- cos they were warming up there in anticipation of that HUGE crowd surge at HoppityfarmtheplacetobeseenonJohnsshoulderswhilelookingforAdamWatsonsMumfest.

have you sent your card yet ?

We’ve back from glorious Devon,( glowing , relaxed and happy ). Jacob is back from Glastonbury( ruddy cheeked,knackered and after 6 days – showered ) and Grandma is in her new home (grumpy , frustrated and negative).

Onwards and upwards – but heyho it’s only a 4hour round journey…………………

did you ever hear JR’s radio prog when Danii stormed out ?

I don’t know who I love more Jonathan R. or Kylie. Flo and I have just spent the evening in their company, along with Sean lock ( Ok ) and Seasick steve ( great ) – who I’ll have the pleasure of spending more time with next weekend at the HopFarm Fest- which you probably know is bigger and better than Glastonbury , but without the obvious benefit of Stolly ,crowd- controlling with their clickers. Kylie did happen to mention to us that shes prob going todo a surprise couple of numbers with The Scissor sisters at Glastonbury – so now I just have to persuade her to do the same with Van or Bob Dylan , the following weekend – I’m not hopeful.

I am hoarse from belting out ‘all my lovers’ and ‘love at first sight’ – hope you can hear us when you tune in on Fri night – only 3 left – boo hoo, sob sob.

We’re off to Devon avec les Clarkes tomo. Beach Bums one weekend , hippies the next , finely tuned athletes the next. Rosie will be laughing at us from somewhere. It all distracts , but it’s NEVER the same without her.

THE festival to go to

I forgot to mention , when you turn your TV’s onto Glastonbury , you will see a slicker, more finely tuned/organised set up . This is nothing to do with the weather or Jacob and Susie started the community singing BUT Stu and Holly and friends with their clickers . yes , they are working there – so mark my words , it will make all the difference…….

What football ?

I’m guessing all of you who read this have something missing in your lives. Well now I can fill that gap for you – what you don’t realise , but I’m about to enlighten you , is that you need a PENPAL. …and I have just the person for you . They don’t tweet ,twitter facebook, google their own name , access dodgy Internet stuff, or come to that ,will even reply. Yes its Grandma. She’s moving on Monday ,and would love to hear from anyone – esp YOU.. If you don’t know what to write about, here are a few her points of interest- St Mary’s Hospital,scallops, Pop-In, Sex in the City ( that’s what she calls the phone in problem prog on LBC on Fri night ),David Jacobs, St Stephens Tavern – the pub on Parliament Square where she was working when she met Grandpa, Essex, her recipe for chicken curry- the list goes on .

So make her day and drop her a line in her new ponderosa

Joan Brown

Room 46,

Addington Heights,

1,Milne park west ,

New Addington,

CRO 0DN

Plus Juju you are so right . I guess living in France , all that ‘tour de France ‘ stuff has rubbed off on you.

I think I deserve ,yet another, yellow jersey

Am I right in thinking the losing team shared their squidgey cherry things with Patrick H ? How kind .

Those photos – so beautiful and yet so dam hard to look at .Rosie was so young , vibrant, happy and healthy – why was her body so cruel to her ? I know I keep asking , and I know there are no answers , but as I’ve said ( a thousand times ) before , the questions send me slightly crazy.The first photo, I guess was taken by Flo, as Rosie is lying on her bed in her Waitrose uniform . The blog one ,taken with Helen, Katie and Izzy P. is the The Days Hall , what is the occasion ?

It’s not fair , I should weigh about 6 stone. Today , in soaring temperatures ,I have been ‘Companion Cycling’.( which bears NO resemblance to Swinging or naked cycling – so many people have seen that group – I feel quite left out ). CC is a charity which enables people with special needs, regardless of their ability to cycle on specially adapted cycles around Bushy Park.True to form ,I forgot my padded pants , and so am typing this standing up.We took a group of students , 3 in wheelchairs, and everyone went for a cycle , up hill down dale, putting the fear of God into other cyclists. The bikes were amazing , with either a secure platform or bucket seat on the front , or as in the case of my one , a ‘normal ‘ bike , attached side by side ,with an adapted bike, so my partner and I sat next to each other , but, I did all the work .All was going swimmingly , until a lady walking a dog on a very long lead , crossed my path , and I had visions of being catapulted into the lake.She won’t do that again . Oh , and we sang …and did lots of drafting.( look that up it’s a cyclists term ), overtaking and burning off- We all loved it.

have you refreshed ?

Last night Laura G. Laura S. Izzy P , PS and I thrashed our opponents at ‘the game with no name’ , resulting in a prize of a box of choc brazils , while YD, Stu, Holly, Amy W and Maddie had to make do with some squidgey cherry things.

Eighteen months ago today………I miss her so very much, my pain is with me always.

A day by the sea

PS, YD and I were rubbing shoulders with Fat Boy Slim , Heather Mills McCartney and Stu’s Grandparents today. In reality , we didn’t see any of them , but we nearly could’ve done cos we were in Hove. Five years ago , at the Royal college of Art , I saw a fabulous exhibition ‘Sense and Sensitivity’, organised by a charity called ‘Blind Art’. Well they have a smaller, and not quite so impressive , exhibition ‘Touching Art , Touching You ‘at Hove Art Gallery . So the intrepid explorers -Prodigal Son, Youngest Daughter and moi went in search of art you can rub your hand over, listen to, wind up, turn on , smell , stick your hands in and get down on all fours and climb into ( well that was a black tent in the kiddies section , which Jacob managed to squeeze half his body into ). Old padlock pockets here had packed a picnic , but the allure of the lovely gallery cafe was too great and so we indulged in a further sensory experience of stuffing our faces.

We then headed for the beach and contacted our own personal Hove tour guide- Stu , who directed us to Fatboy Slims house and Heather Mills’s vegan cafe . We gawped at the menu ( did you know you could have cappuccino made with hazelnut milk ? ) and then plonked ourselves down on the beach next to FBS’s abode ( did you know they have their own private bit of beach – Graham Norton doesn’t at Bexhill on Sea ) and threw stones at targets Jacob made and then played ‘chicken’ to see who could sit still longest, without moving their feet, while the tide came in .

Worth a visit

I take back everything I said- they’ve done up the gallery , which is in an old chapel in his home of Cookham – it was loads of his stuff I hadn’t seen before .We’re such groupies we even went and saw Stanley’s grave. I LOVE his paintings – so full of humour and warmth and people . He was a git to his first wife Hilda, divorced her and married Patricia who turned out to be a friend of Dorothys- literally. She left Stan and moved back in with her special friend, Dot not long after her and Stanley’s wedding – rumour has it she was after Stan’s money.

Go google’ The Resurrection Cookham’ – it is probably his most famous painting. Personally I love ‘the last supper’ their legs look like oars – don’t you think ?

None of tracey E’s unmentionables in sight

After a pants week , tomo I’m off to see …Not The RA , but the Stanley Spencer Summer Collection. It differs from the Stanley Spencer Winter Collection, by one painting o- a snowy churchyard – which they take down and replace with a sunny churchyard.

Books

As I have said before ,I don’t read ‘normal’ stuff anymore . I ask questions, search for answers , seek help etc.

A couple of weeks ago ,I finished Philip Pullman’s ‘The Good Man Jesus and The Scoundrel Christ ‘. I read it cos A) it’s written for kids , so it’s easy to read B) Philip is an outspoken Atheist and believes in – human beings/this beautiful world/ smell of coffee /the breeze on his face etc etc ( so we have a lot in common ) C) I first spotted the book in Jacob’s flat – so if it’s good enough for a trendy ,Newcastle Uni ( unless the previous occupant left it there ) student, it’s good enough for me .I’d say read it , no answers , just stories ( lots with holes in ) , and the fact that Jesus was a man and Christ is a title…and in this story they are twins.

Next I read ”When Bad things happen to good people”, by American Rabbi, Harold S.Kushner. He was inspired to write it after the death of his son Aaron ,at the age of 14 years and 2 days ,from a condition called Progeria . Id recommend this book – to me , he talks a lot of sense.

He includes a lot of profound statements , but for me , this paragraph is one of the most poignant

”Is there an answer to the question of why bad things happen to good people? That depends on what we mean by ‘answer’.If we mean ‘is there an explanation which will make sense of it all?’- why is there cancer in the world ? Why did the plane crash? Why did my child die?- then there is probably no satisfying answer.We can offer learned explanations, but in the end, when we have covered all the squares on the game board and we are feeling very proud of our cleverness, the pain and anguish and the sense of unfairness will still be there”.

He then goes onto talk about the word ‘answer’ , meaning ‘response’…..and so it goes on…and on …

Many years after his sons death ,Harold wrote ”I think of Aaron and all that his life taught me, and I realize how much I have lost and how much I have gained. Yesterday seems less painful ,and I am not afraid of tomorrow.”

I guess this is what I strive towards.

Am I the only one not watching TV ?

My head is all over the place today- so I’ve kept busy – swimming ,tidying up the garden ( and Sainsburies – twice , forgot half the stuff the first time ), sorting Grandma’s stuff – that’s when the day went tits up. On Thursday , Jacob and I started the big sort out of all The G’s stuff , as in the next 2 weeks she will be moving. Well today, after going to St Thomas’s Church to see 5 of Rosie’s beautiful paintings in their open exhibition, then saying farewell to Jacob as he shot off to ‘Glastembury’ party in York. The theme is The Mad Hatter , and Jacob’s remodelled one of his ‘human’ sculptures ,and so it sits on his shoulders ! The host of the party is Susie’s sister ,Emily , hence the pun title of the bash it all sounds fab. Well I came back from dropping him and ‘his friend’ off at Brentford ( I LOATHE goodbyes- can’t cope with them very easily ) and started going through Grandma’s papers . I came across the photos I took the last time I took her to Copenhagen in 2006. Amongst them were some photos of Rosie and Florence ,standing on the breakfast room table and laughing- they looked so happy , it took my breath away ,and I had to shove all Grandma’s stuff back in the bag. Why , why , why , why ,why ?

Now it’s the World Cup . Everytime I hear those 2 words I think of this time 4 years ago when Rosie, Laura ,Izzy P. and Danielle were in Italy ..They were there for the night of The Final , Italy won. Rosie said it was amazing – one big street party- she loved that holiday . I have the diary the 4 of them kept , it is so funny ( and rude – not for your delicate ears ). I read it a lot last Jan – Feb , but now I can’t bear to open it.

I was reading what Joely Richardson wrote after her sister ,Natasha , died.

”I felt my DNA had split. I felt as if someone had put a bomb inside me and exploded it.This idea that grief is gentle…it’s not like that it’s really violent.It’s this brutal, aggressive,terrifying emotion. You’re lucky if you can walk through it”.

Sadly , she’s pretty dam right.

get your maps ( and vaseline ) out

You all failed me on the PP request , but I managed the return cycle ride to Walton on Thames , all the same ( even though it felt like I was sitting on a razor blade ). for those of you unfamiliar with West London geography , Walton is about 3miles north of Truro.

I stuill don’t know what the task was .

Dam AOL. Last night , returning from London Bridge on the tube , after taking Sarah to a pants musical at The Meunier , I avoided eye contact with anyone , forbade our taxi driver ( Jacob , who got out of bed to pick us up ) talk about it and then relished the thought of a Friday evening BBQ, followed by a skyboxed Junior Apprentice final, followed by Johnnie R. This morning , I wake up , turn on my PC and Arjun’s little face is smiling back at me .

Anyone got any padded pants – I need them by 10.30 ?

Alternative viewing

Did you see Arjon do his little skip tonight ? Dam it , Uncle sir Alan ( as he called himself ) have put my 2 favourites Tim and Arjon , on the same team for the final .Now I’m all of a dither. Jacob is home , we received minimal radio contact , as his phone battery is warped and it will only work if held at a 45 degree angle to the phone , and pressed downwards ( Georgina-i’m refering to his Nokia ).

Tomo night ,nobody let the cat out the bag and tell me who won as I’m going to the theatre . I booked the musical ‘Paradise Found’ ,for Sarah’s bday , before the reviews came out . The guy in The Sunday Times wrote ”I hated every minute of it”. Perhaps we should stay in with Karen and Nick and a bag of chips .

Too wet for a BBQ

Last night I had a rendezvous with the lovely Right Rev.Peter Andrews at St Thomas’ Church, Boston Manor Road ( next to Elthorne Park). Over the weekend , they are holding an art exhibition in the church , and he asked if they can exhibit some of Rosie’s pieces .So I took 5 down ( would have loved to take the 2 collaborative collages , but too big and I would have destroyed John’s hinge/wheeled display system in our middle room ). So……….please do pop into the church between 10-6 , this Fri,Sat and Sun.

AF comes home today , en route back from Brighton – I have no idea what delights that held- it’ll be lovely to see him.

who is he ?

Lorna , you probably haven’t seen Bon Iver then ? He is nothing do to with The Lord/ Les Mis/ BGT etc. Its weird his name keeps popping up. Until Rosie and Izzy (?) went to see him I’d never heard of him , now i can’t stop hearing him. Not only did Rosie like him , but Marion chose 2 of his songs – ‘Flume’ and ‘Skinny Love’ for 2 of the last songs played for her . Then today I was driving the bus ( no I’m not moonlighting , but taking my Yr 7’s to Richmond Park ) , when ‘Roslin (?)’ came on the radio. A colleague 9 young and knows about this kind of stuff ) suggested I youtubed the acoustic version of ‘For Emma’. I did and I’m moved – it’s beautiful.

There’s no business like….

Sadly Nat , I’ve seen it 3 times. Once with Grandma,Grandpa, Jane and John ,.Then with Mairi,Emma and Christine Clarke ( that woman is fantastic to go to the theatre with – without even noticing she ordered champagne and reserved seats in the bar for the interval – we’d already had several pre-show cocktails and a bottle of fizz at home – so I don’t actually remember seeing the show on that occasion ) , Then with John, Rosie and Flo.( ES half price tickets ) Not satisfied with that , one rainy winter afternoon , I dragged Rosie into the cinema to see it with me – she loved it ,BUT The Phantom was far too sexy ( he’s meant to be creepy with half his face missing )- where’s Michael Crawford when you need him ?

Combining 2 of my greatest loves , I have an idea- Sir Alan should get the 2 teams to stage manage a musical – that should sort the wheat from the chaff.

did you know Nick lives in France ?

The Lord let me down ( aided by Ben Elton ) LND was a pile of pants.

Stu – Tim has to be at least 26. how on earth did he slip through Sir Alan’s net ? I do so miss Margaret.

Dec 26th

Oh Holly, i’m glad you said that – it was the Sturgess/Maynard/Dwyer annual Boxing day OUTDOOR swim. Everyone sort of dreaded it – it was the stripping off, putting your feet on icy concrete floor and getting into the pool . Once in ,it was fab .Helen and Rosie used to get very brave and get in and out , dive off the board and go down the kiddies slide until some baywatch babe blew their whistle. Then it was a case of dry off , heaps of biscuits , flasks of coffee and irish whiskey from the hip flasks. Emma gave me a particularly glam retro red rouched swimming hat , but cos i have more hair than john , used to get stolen and worn by him so he could stay in for longer than 10mins. Then there was the time the men saw James Cracknell nude in the shower………….

Only £3 to park all day . Am i mad or has the price gone DOWN ?

Maybe its a male/female thing -women don’t like Zoe ( but with that info – she does sound dreadful )? But Stolly , you don’t say who you are rooting for….

Spent yesterday on the beach. It was a long but beautiful slog to get there on the bike . All that putting it in the car , stopping 25miles out , unloading, having my map and mints taken away from me. Yes John has started his training for Kenya ( although the leafy lanes off Sussex are not much of a comparison- hilly though ) and the good news is he stayed on , the bad news is he forgot to put his factor 50 on and now has very red knees. The great British public with very little clothes on , never fail to give me maximum distraction therapy ( I’ve switched to beach talk now – not cyclists ), and behind my Primark £1.99 huge sunglasses you have a licence to gawp at anything . However it was bittersweet , as for most of the other times we have been to West Wittering the 3 Dwyerettes were here with us .One of my most vivid memories was when Rosie and Helen , aged about 7 ( ? ) capsized their little blow up boat , in about 9 ins. of water. They both panicked , started screaming , rolling around , thinking they were drowning until Ian rescued them – much to the relief of the eardrums of everyone else on the beach. That might have been the same occasion we lost Tim . Now move on about 5 years ,and while everyone else is in the field, apres swim, drinking beer, playing football, burning sausages , Rosie and Helen are in The Maynards car , playing ‘Be- witched’ at full volume. All was fine and dandy , until we all said our fond farewells, and everyone drove off …except the Maynards , who had a flat battery. Then there was a time , the Clarkes, Dwyers and Maynards got locked in the car park , had a huge argument with the stroppy owner and had to pay to get out .All good fun.

This afternoon , The Lord beckons. Emma and I are going to see ‘Love never dies’.

When’s the final ?

Arjun gets my vote. The main reason I like him is cos at the beginning of the programme , they show his back view skipping down the street and he does a little side jump, clicking his heels in the air.Ever since I saw Jack Wild do that ,when playing The Artful Dodger, in ‘Oliver’ I have been jealous as I can’t do it , so am full of admiration for anyone who can . Plus he repairs PC’s , so he ( Arjun , not Jack Wild ) could come and live with me if he wins and we can frequent ‘The Bridge Cafe’ – which is near us in North Acton ( I know – too much information – I’m waffling ). Adam , I can’t stand Zoe – all those little sideways glances – I want to pull that beret right down over her face.

Grandmama had an audience with the Doc in front of the summerhouse today.Sounds like a scene from the film ‘remains of the day ‘ – I assure you it wasn’t . He prescribed more pain relief and a huge dose of TLC – I shall miss him when she moves

didn’t get lost once

The walk today ,I give 11 out of 10. It was stunningly beautiful…train to Eastbourne, No. 12 bus to Exeat and then 12 miles up hill ( bloody steep ones ), down dale ( not enough of them ), picnic lunch on Birling Gap Beach – sulked cos I forgot cossie, short snooze, was tempted to ring the Samaritans ( their no. is everywhere ) at Beachy Head , not cos I felt remotely suicidal , but cos my ankle hurt and thought they might give me some sympathy ,or paracetamol.

The end to a perfect day – Junior Apprentice, why on earth didn’t Jinette Krankie go ?

Stick to your school dinners

Today I’m sinking a bit – 9 years ago at 6.30 this morning ,Jane died…so I’ve been for a swim to get my head in gear and now I’ll get outside and walk.

Yesterday Flo and I set ourselves up for a treat , or so we thought. Lunch at the new Jamie Oliver’s Italian restaurant – it came highly recommended – well by a person who was having an interview at St Ann’s on Wed and came to the art room to mix some cold water paste ( don’t ask ) in preparation. Well it was pants- so slow looked a right old mish mash ,and the starter platter thing ( Jamie calls it a plank – maybe that’s Jules’ pet name for him ) wasn’t a patch on Carluccio’s, plus i think the kitchen had lost the garlic, salt . pepper and decent olive oil. Where was Norah ( remember her ? )when you need her ? Had a better meal chez Mandy’s on Sat night- with not a turkey twizzler in sight

So Lorna , I feel plan B coming on ……………….

Thank you to Julia for sending me this.

Litany -Belief

I have to believe

That you still exist

Somewhere,

That you still watch me

Sometimes,

That you still love me

Somehow.

I have to believe

That life has meaning

Somehow,

That I am useful here

Sometimes,

That I make small differences

Somewhere.

I have to believe

That I need to stay here

For some time,

That all this teaches me

Something,

So that I can meet you again

Somewhere.

( Ann Thorp)

he was like a poor mans’ Derren Brown

Calamity J.strikes again – poor old John has once more come off his bike and skinned his left hand side. Jacob has given him a team – talk .i.e. slow down and be careful ( and put the stabilisers back on ). We need him fit for Kenya.

I feel I’m halfway to getting my equity card , as last night I was on stage . Admittedly ,it was only downstairs in the Drayton , at a night of mystery , magic and mayhem . I was the mind readers stooge. I had to draw something tiny on a piece of paper ,then put it in an envelope , seal it , then go on stage ,and standing back to back with the ‘great Mygestico’ draw my picture again , while he did the same. I tried to fool him , by drawing a Christmas pudding . The tension mounted , until he turned his white board round to reveal his picture — a big circle with spots on and 2 bunny ears coming out the top – mine was a very sophisticated currant laden pud with 3 holly leaves on the top and sitting on a plate. But in his sealed envelope , he’d written ‘pudding’. The audience gasped until I told them he was meant to be writing what I had drawn – not what I looked like .

Adam – that recipe sound fab- but , Rosies Camembert wouldn’t have got as far as the oven !

Run for Rosie

On Saturday , I’m off to visit my friend Sahel at the printers , to get more T-shirts , for those doing the 10K Run for for Rosie on Sunday 11th July. I know a lot of you have them from 2009.

On my list for orders are Stu ( too many hot washes- her T-shirt , not her ), Adam ,Helenka ,Ryan, Auntie Ann , Lyn, Simon FM, Mathew Parkin, Nico CB , Kirsten and Behfar.

Any more want T-shirts ?? Please emaim me racheljdwyer@aol.com

For all those running walking, hobbling, there’s a bit of a bash, BBQ and beers etc, back here afterwards, so please can everyone let me know ,so John can start marinating his kebabs !

I love the Headmaster too ( do you remember him in ‘friends’ as Joeys doctor ?

Edward – they sure did get naked- John was rushing to join them onstage ,til he realised that happens after the finale, when they are all clothed again. At the very end of the show about half the people in the stalls go up and danced on stage with the cast – its like a cross between Britains Got Talent ( not ) and hippy night at Butlins.

As for Glee – any scene with Sue Sylvester is pure genius – and when she did ‘Madonna’s Vogue’ , it was the best ever. I thought this weeks ‘Les Mis’ /Billy joel / was a bit weak.

It was just off The Ramblas

Joe, God how I love that photo. It is so hard to look at as Rosie is staring right at you. It was taken in ‘Toller de Tapas’ restaurant in Barcelona at about 10pm on Saturday July 26 2008. I remember we were so so happy to be there- with our first San Miguel / Sangria in hand. That day Jacob had finnished work at Waitrose at 1.30pm . The cab came to our place at 2.30 ,we flew at 5 , got to Barcelona at 8, shot off to the Hotel Penninsula, which was an atmospheric ( ie. cheap) old monastry and then navigated our way to the tapas bar we had booked. After dins we rambled down The Ramblas, and then Jacob and Rosie went and found The Mojito Bar.Until we picked up the hire car , oh and the incident when john and i went to the wrong meeting place and so gave up and went for lunch , while the 3 amigos stood for an hour in the blistering heat- the entire 3 days were hot and bliss.

Its funny this weather thing , I love the sunshine and being outside , but somehow it seems to make my grief worse. The missing Rosie is worse , the laughter doesn’t come easy , everyone else seems happier and the expectation is that we should be ,and its all wrong , she should be here with us.

This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius

Today I feel all liberated and naked . I’m not actually naked – although it would add another dimension to the Day family BBQ later. We went to see’ Hair ‘last night .It was perfect PDT and a huge trip down memory lane. Jane used to play her LP over and over again , and unlike ‘The sound of Music’ , there was no dominant female lead – so I got to play all the parts ( Ditto for Fiddler on the Roof – yet she always seemed to get the solo in ‘if I was a rich man ‘)

Bert has added a new section on Rosie’s website – ‘Latest news from Kenya’. Click on this and you can see what YOUR money has been spent on. The photos are beautiful , and as I said at Rosie’s funeral – what good can come out of Rosie dying ? For me , the answer is still none. BUT , with your support, love and kindness these lovely kids are getting a chance..

As you all probably know ,Jacob and John are taking part in another fundraiser for Ace. Please please look at their ‘Justgiving’ page and sponsor them anything you can – the words of support are as important as the money. I would like to thank everyone who has sponsored them. I was moved by the donation by Nick Groll , who has never met Rosie or any of us , but saw you lot wearing your T-shirts at the 10 K last year – it moved him very much.

So please do have a look at

http://www.justgiving.com/Jacob-John-Cycle-for-Rosie

and please get clicking for Rosie and the Kids of The Southend Academy

Did they have their shirts on in Tynemouth ?

It’s funny Jacob , you should say that about the school kids , there were thousands of yr11s out on Thursday – even the policemen were standing outside some schools. I remember when I left school – we went down the road to the Wimpey Bar and treated ourselves to a ‘bender burger’. One of the waiters helped himself to my friend Rosemary Boutal , who was pregnant , married and whisked off to Kabul , before we had time to say ‘more fries please’.

From ‘The Thomas Crown Affair

I think I need to explain myself ,I have been speaking gibberish lately , but, interestingly to me ,it all makes sense…

Firstly , Jacob , you must have missed them , but for 24 hours I put some photos Augustine sent me , from The Southend Academy , of Brenda , the students and their artwork . But ,I made a booboo and they take up too much memory , so I’ve sent them to Bert and he’s going to include them in a new section ”news from Kenya”

Secondly , the bit about the Bronnikov method was referring to a programme I watched . Derren Brown ( I love him ) took a blind woman ( not Grandma ) and her carer ( alas not me), to experience Bronnikov’s barking mad, money making psychic load of claptrap, method , which claims ‘it ‘enables you to see without using your eyes”.

Thirdly , I was in a bit of a state this morning and made a Freudian slip – I meant 17 dam sad ,horrible months ,NOT mothers.

Today was fab. Mandy and I got the train to Manningtree and walked along The River Stour to Flatford Mill- it is beautiful . We saw Willy Lott’s House , the bit on the river where Constable painted The Hay Wain , nearly had a frontal lobotomy when I walked into a low beam in the 17century gallery. We then strolled along the river to Debden , were looking around the church , when it started filling up for a Scottish wedding ( ? )- dam cheek.. Mandy introduced a new dimension into the whole proceedings – a song. She’d printed off the words to Noel Harrisons’ ( anyone my age remember him – he was gorgeous ?)- Windmills of your mind . Sadly , she’d printed it in very small font – we were so close squinting at it , a couple of times we were nearly face down in The River Stour

I want to turn the clocks back

Jacob , I’ll explain later.

I’ve woken up in a lather having just dreamt about Rosie . She looked so alive, happy and beautiful and was serving , Grandma, auntie Emmie and me noodles, in Waitrose’s deli. So 17 dam mothers later ……………..have you Ctrl and F5’d ?Lovely photos again bert – thank you . Taken in Barcelona and San Clemente

So as brain therapy , today i am off in search of Willie Lotts cottage ( all you artists should know who I m talking about ) – I’ve packed my easel, oil paints and white stilettos( well it is in Essex ).

It’s not only Derren whose a cynic

Now you see them – now you don’t. Anyone would think Bert advised me that uploading photos onto the blog ,would take up too much memory space , but no, I’m doing my own little medical research into the ‘Bronnikov method’….and you have just taken part in it . So if this psychic method ( i.e. : barking mad ) has worked and you’ve held your imaginary balls (of air) in your hands and passed them onto someone else’s shoulders , you are now able to see without using your eyes. And to think this conman is coming to England- I think I’d rather watch The World Cup.

news from Kenya

if you hear a load of expletives coming from W.ealing, don’t worry its only me trying to upload some photos Augustine sent us …please bear with me.

This is the email ( and maybe the photos ) he sent me today .

Once again thank-you to everyone who has helped to give these lovely children a chance.

Dear Rachel, John and the rest of the family,I am sorry to have been quiet, in part because I had handed over updates to another staff who have been sending things in the wrong address, and travels have also eaten into my time. I have decided that I will continue with the communication so that you can see the progress in shorter intervals as this will also keep friends knowing what their donations are achieving with the children at Southend Academy.

Brenda continues to work hard with the children. They had a break in April and opened again on 3 May. I was able to visit last week to view the progress but I did not have my camera with me, and Brenda had also been taken ill. Fortunately, it was Malaria that was detected early, and she was back at work on Thursday. I sent one of the staffs yesterday to take pictures of some of the work I saw, and also take some of the children while on session. I enclose these for you.

I am glad Andy will be here the 2nd part of the year and he will be able to see the tremendous work going on.

Thank you so much and Best Wishes top you all

Augustine.

** two

Oh yes Lorna such happy memories. One of my favourite Hurley moments was about 6 years ago. It was late on in the day and we got the skipping rope out ( nothing fancy , but it does double up as a washing line or piece of rather large bondage equipment ). Christine and I were flying , we were so co-coordinated – no , not skipping , but turning the rope and barking orders at everyone- run in, turn around , run out etc etc.We then got everyone standing in a row and jumping all together- there must have been 12 people jumping together. it was fantastic – loads of **boats were stopping , on the river to watch. All the jumpers got so good , we had to make it an elimination game…I have a feeling the final 3 were Alex,Tim and Jacob – NO competitiveness there then ?????

The beef wellington was fab

7 hours and 40 minutes – was how long it took before Sarah C.got em out for the boys. It wasn’t just random, she wanted to show off her newly acquired suntan ( which we have seen before ), plus she was winning at ‘Contract’ ( which we hadn’t ), plus we were celebrating Richard’s 52nd Birthday, so he needed a treat. All in all it was a dam good day . We drove out to Hurley , home of many a cheesy riverside .Ealing families, end of summer ,picnic,football, skipping, swimming,John’s birthday celebration gathering . The hi light being a huge game of rounders – where Rosie and Helen could usually be found chatting at 3rd base -oblivious of the ball hurtling towards them ,and Matthew Kyle ( or a similar ,super hitter/sprinter ) from the opposing team running past. them .Back to yesterday …….. we then went for a long country plus riverside pre dinner walk . all was going to plan , until we made base camp on a liitle beachy bit of the river , got the flask and the almond slices out , put our faces ( and in some cases – chest ) in the sun , and snoozed for 45minutes.Then we hot footed it to ‘the Olde bell’ , which claims to be the ‘oldest coaching Inn in Britain ‘ -( haven’t you heard that said about most olde coaching inns you go to ?) for a lovely dins and back here for the entertainment.

level 4

Jacob had great difficulty with a particular question . Sarah B.asked him what sort of birthday cake can I make you ?After much thought and a few bouteilles of Peroni , he told her ‘A summer fruit pudding with double cream’. Interesting choice, I thought ( but for once said nothing ) …Jacob never eats fruit. So Sarah B set off for Sainsburies , bought all the ingredients .She had just paid , when Jacob saw the light and phoned her to say he’d changed his mind – he actually wanted a ‘white chocolate ,bread and butter pudding’-His cousin, Sarah B. was very understanding and told him to make it himself .

The reason I am waffling on about this is that last night was two firsts- our first BBQ of 2010 and the first time in 22 years and 1 day that Jacob made a pudding for 10 people, and very nice it was too.

We have all had a lovely week. It is hard to celebrate stuff , without Rosie. It is wrong and sad and cruel , that she is not with us and in my head ,I see her in all those Birthday photos , laughing and sticking her hand in the cake. The longing for her envelopes me ,I want her so much. So having our family over from Copenhagen was a wonderful way to feel a different sort of love and warmth. Little children are a great distraction.

Got up this morning to find John doing his year 6 SATS paper _ as I’ve always said – ‘anything that helps….’

Jamie Oliver advocates ketchup with it

Dwyer Towers is happy and vibrant this week. Jacob, Sarah,Kristian,Thor ,Frig and Gro are all here . The beers are being opened as Sarah creates a fishpie ,while les enfants torture my tadpoles in the garden – how many times do you think they can survive being fished out , poked and then put in John’s cement mixing bucket ? ( the tadpoles not the children ). I’m guessing Grandmama is also very happy having seen her Great grandchildren and family and dining on M&S butties a la jardin du brigstock..

This time 22 years ago I know exactly what I had for dinner – yeuchy quiche and salad. I went to Queen Charlottes hosp as my baby was 12days overdue…so they said i had to stay in overnight to be induced the next day ( I thought they said introduced , and told them firmly , this was neither the time nor the place to sign me up for a dating agency ). I dutifully ate the quiche , John left the hosp , so alone and fed up ( in those days I was adicted to Coronation street – now it’s on too often )I went to the bathroom and promptly threw up at which point my waters broke-not a pretty sight ( or smell ).

Its lovely to have kids in the house

Lorna, it worked – thanks for the tip. Plus my hair looks rather bouffant too.

Thought I’d introduce our Danish relatives to some cultural delights, so we had a turkish meal, Spanish beer and then bedded down to Channel Four and Britains finest – ”Four weddings”.

The nest will be filled tomo

Beauty revisited- went back to Isabella today armed with my digi camera. …did the same ritualistic walk and gazed at the stepping sones ( again ) where Rosie fell in.

Q :What has Newcastle, Copenhagen and Heathrow got in common

A: Nothing really , I just don’t want the volcanic ash hovering over their airports

Although I never wear it,blue is my favourite colour.

Rachel does beauty , which is not in the same league as ‘Debbie does Dallas’. I resorted to beauty as there were no gay musicals around to see this weekend. And when I say beauty , I don’t mean anything like extreme makeover , I mean being in beautiful places. So in the last 24hours I’ve surrounded myself in big pink flowers ( can’t spell rhodendrons) in Isabella plantation and the millions of bluebells in one of the most ancient woodlands in England , which is behind a locked gate in a secret location in Perivale and then even more bluebells in Kew gardens. Doesn’t the colour of bluebells remind you of the walls of Rosie’s bedroom ? In my head , heart and soul ,she came too.

where does Nick get his orange ties?

Oh my God, a victory for The Conservatives- Edwina Currie with her crown of lamb and Eton mess , won by 1 point. Mind you the labour’s main course , looked like something the dog had thrown up .They must try harder next time.

Will you stay up all night to watch the results ?

The hi-light of this polical tension happens tonight . No , not the result , but election special ‘come dine with me’ – You’d think Godon, Dave and Nick wouldn’t have time to cook. Thank God for Channel 4.

One of my happiest election days was May 1st 1997 ( and not just because of the result ). Oaklands primary school was closed , just like it was on the previous training day , when we all turned up , uniformed and with packed lunches ( but thats a different story ).so Sarah and I took Michael, Georgie ,Nat, Jacob ,Rosie and Florence down to West Wittering for the day . It was glorious, sunny , happy – we swam in the sea,had virtually the whole beach to ourselves, picnic’d and then back home for a cold beer or 2. I’m so glad we all did wonderful stuff like that .

For Rosie

Sad old bag that I am , I’m just been sorting through my CD collection ( only used an ipod once and that was at the dentist ). While doing it , I played random stuff . This song ,catch the wind’ by Donovan ,was Janes. I guess anyone under 45 won’t have heard it , but I urge you to find it and listen to it – it is really beautiful.

Lyrics
In the chilly hours and minutes
Of uncertainty
I want to be
In the warm hold of your loving mind

To feel you all around me
And to take your hand
Along the sand
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind

When sundown pales the sky
I want to hide a while
Behind your smile
And everywhere I’d look, your eyes I’d find

For me to love you now
Would be the sweetest thing
T’would make me sing
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind

Dee dee da da la da da da da da
Ya da da, da da, da da

When rain has hung the leaves with tears
I want you near
To kill my fears
To help me to leave all my blues behind

Standing in your heart
Is where I want to be
And long to be
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind

celebrations

89years ago today, in a flat in Chadwell Heath, Essex , Grace Joan Brown was born. So to celebrate Grandmama’s birthday ,Florence and I took her out to lunch at an Italian restaurant in Crystal Palace. We had a lovely Italian waiter ( not to eat ) , who thrust his peppermill at us and did the usual stuff with his parmesan grater and then engaged us in conversation . He asked who was whose mother ( ? ) , so we explained we were Grandmother, Daughter and Granddaughter , to which he replied ”same father?”- do we look that odd ?

I know Anna , that clip is amazing , I was waiting for the lion to sink its teeth into the mans neck- so I couldn’t quite relax the first time I saw it.

I do hope its real

70 weeks ago today I could have told Rosie all about last nights cultural delights and she would have shrieked/phahed/dragged herself away from facebook for 30 seconds/spilt her tea / eaten someone elses toast /arranged a night out / planned a charity shop visit – all at the same time. She should be here to do that now.

So on the darkest of days ,I urge to click onto this clip Jacob sent us to watch . It makes me cry ,yet happy and even the cheesiest of American sentiments at the end are close to my heart. For a maximum cheesefest tearjerker experience , turn the volume right up.

None of this is made up ( except us being intellectuals )

John and I are doing culture tonight, we are going to the theatre . As you’ve guessed we are highbrow intellectuals , so in order to fit in with this stereotyping ,we are going to see ”Porn – the musical” in the upstairs of a pub in Battersea. .You’ll be glad to know the tickets come with a warning ”this show contains NO porn ”.

Puff pant wheeze

So much for me not being political- if you have 3 minutes, watch ‘David Cameron – Common People” on youtube .It is brilliant.

Just got in from a fabulous walk…taken from The Ramblers ’50 best views in Britain’ .we got the train to Lewes and then walked up a very very steep hill onto the South Downs. 360 degree views- hard to take in when you can hardly breathe !

bet you’re impressed

Lorna and I were happily chatting away as I drove to Brigstock via tooting. All of a sudden my eyes were drawn to an amazing celeb-spot-couple.No not Brad and Ange, Tom and Katie or Brucie and his ex miss world missus…..but Ivy and Graham. I cleverly managed to avoid going into a skid . I nearly didn’t recognise them as last time I saw them they were going up the aisle with no clothes on ( don’t forget ,this is South London ). It was only for the fact Ivy’s wig was at a 45 degree angle with her face and Graham was holding his big power tool .

For those of you still in the dark , either a) you don’t follow this blog or b) you don’t watch mind-numbing trash on C4- they are the couple that featured on Coach trip AND Four weddings ( and won the honeymoon in Jamaica ).If Lorna hadn’t taken the wheel , I would have stopped and got their autographs

Stu- any relation ?

I know I said I wouldn’t do politics, but don’t you feel sorry for Gordon? Haven’t we all been guilty of doing something like that ?

I remember when I was a kid and listened to radio’s Saturday mornings ‘Junior Choice’ . The presenter ( pre Ed Stewpot Stewart ) said ”and now I’m going to play the most requested song of the week – ‘Puff The magic Dragon’ .” He then forgot to turn his mike off and said out loud ” that should keep the little bastards quiet for the next 3 minutes”. End of his radio career.

About 23 years ago , I had do the commentary for The School where I was workings’ swimming gala. I did the same dam thing , except I said to my colleague sitting next to me ” what are you having for dinner tonight?”. One of the parents ,in the balcony , shouted back ”sausage and chips”. Thank god I only said that – it could have been a lot worse .

I love a Gay Gordon

I think Marmite stole their advertising slogan ‘you either love it or you hate it ‘ from 1970’s summary of what students thought of PE in their secondary schools. The other burning ( literally) differential , was ‘could you climb a rope ?’. If I was a gambling woman , I’d put money on Lorna being able to and Ann not ( like me ).

But in primary school , I loved PE – rounders ,netball, but best of all – country dancing. any political party that puts that back in the national curriculum, gets my vote.

….and I can still strip the willow

They were wrining with sweat at the end of it

You know those really naff artificial individual roses , wrapped in cellophane , with a matching ribbon round the stem ? I was given one this afternoon .One of the gentlemen at the soup kitchen gave it to me .Apart from being sticky,purple and smelling of gin ( No be proud of me , I restrained myself from putting a double entendre in there ), it is very pretty and I am very proud .No-ones ever given me one before.

OMG , we went to see the most fabulous piece of theatre last night ‘CompagnieXY-Le Grand C’. It is circusfest season at the Roundhouse and we saw this amazing French circus company. What they didn’t do with each others bodies wasn’t worth doing .Imagine 4 people on each others shoulders back flipping onto another stack of people.It was beautiful, funny, death defying and just dam breathtaking.

At school I avoided gym like the plague . I remember a time the PE teacher Miss Johnston ( yes you’ve guessed it butch, single and rejected from the army ) asked Sarah K. and I to carry out ‘The Box’ in sections, and then put it together. We did exactly as she said , except before we put that top layer which is covered in brown suede,on , we got in it , and watched the whole PE lesson from the inside of the box, peering out of the holes where you put your hands ,at the end of each layer !

Pretty Flamingo

Yesterday I returned to one of my old haunts of my youth- the world famous ex Biba Store. Previous to that it was ‘Derry and Toms’, quite an up market dept store on Kensington high Street. Grandma used to take us up there when we were children, for afternoon tea , in the roof garden restaurant. Well it has been done up , restored to its original art-deco glory , complete with streams, gardens , ducks,ducklings and the most beautiful flamingoes and a separate Spanish Garden. It really is a little oasis in the centre of London. I think Richard Branson owns it now – he has stuck a swanky restaurant on the top – so I sat sipping my ‘Long Island Iced Tea while gazing at Chelsea football Ground !

Everything brings Rosie to the forefront of my mind. The flamingos – as we saw the biggest concentration of them in the world , when we went to Lake Nakuru, Kenya. Richard Branson – as we tried to blag our way into his Riad- and failed. LIIC’s – as that’s what I drank as Rosie worked her way through the cocktail menu ,as we played game after game of contract whist ,while sitting in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

I’d do anything to have her back with us .

Didn’t even get to say good-bye

Rosie loved those purple flowery trousures. They were cheapies from Adams. That photo was taken one summer picnic on the hill behind Pembroke lodge ,Richmond Park.

Adam, of course I model myself on Sue, only difference being , in my 52 years, I’ve NEVER worn a red track suit – or a blue or black one , come to that .You comment made me do a mini- PHAH !

One of my hi-lights of going to Brigstock Manor , was seeing the lovely Nathaniel. He lived with his Auntie in Shepherds Bush and travelled to Thornton Heath to work as a cleaner there , to pay his uni fees. He was in his 5th term of an engineering degree. Sadly, he could no longer earn enough to pay his fees and so has gone back to Kenya. He was the gentlest, kindest, chattiest young man you could ever hope to meet – and he loved Grandma. We used to talk and talk about Kenya, it’s politics, people geography, Rosie, The Southend Academy etc etc . Grandmama misses him. he used to break up her day.

Lots of bits that don’t tie in

16months ago ,we said goodbye to Rosie. Don’t be fooled , the pain and longing is just as intense, if not more so ,as the shock wears off. I still ask ‘why’ ? No-one has given me an answer. Thanks to all the people who have stuck with us. The photos Bert chose are as usual fab – the first one is taken in Knottsberry Farm Theme Park,California – summer 2007 .The second one was with Georgie, after a makeover.birthday treat- they both look wonderful. I think Rosie went to meet Georginina ( her blind-date name ) straight from Elthorne after doing those photoshoots ( with Laura, Danielle, Izzy,Holly and ?? ) ads for ‘the teachers development Agency’. It was weird to see all their faces plastered all over the tube.

Sally, what a shame, Room 14 ,Brigstock Manor is a much quiter ,lonelier place without you ( as is the rest of London ) – were you meant to be doing the marathon again ?

Without looking at your dictionaries/using spellcheck, would you allow the words ’emo’ and ‘trog’ , in a game of scrabble ? This is a case of me versus Jacob.

Adam, Edward ,Izzy and all other Glee fans – Sue is back on TOP form

Who is missing ?

This Masters in ‘Fine Art ‘ is sounding more appealing . No preparation for a final piece…just do as one candidate did- stand up on a platform ,do a poo in a bottle , then spray it gold ( the bottle not the other ).

Q :So who is stranded in far off shores ? A :About 5 staff at my place, Hazel, my dentist’s husband. Another dentist in my practice ( I only know this as I overhead the receptionist cancelling all his appts ).

Louis’s going to be on Johnathan Ross on friday

All you budding artists out there- have you ever done the whole ‘shoplifting, swallowing the booty, excreting it and then calling it a conceptual art ‘thing ? Me neither . But this Goldsmiths prog is inspiring me to go back to college and do a masters….or go downstairs and watch Pineapple, ASD and stagestruck or Glee- decisions decisions.

So much water , not enough time

OMG, we’ve returned from lovely ,quiet, peaceful, beautiful Northumbria- to sort of quiet, nearly lovely, under the Heathrow take-off flight path, 106. We know Hazel is stuck in Washington ( not the one, 10 miles south of Newcastle )- is there anyone else stuck somewhere ( the queue in West ealing Sainsburies , doesn’t count ). Izzy P. – where are you – still in Nairobi airport , if so spread the word of Rosie/Ace/ The Southend Academy ??

Northumbria was stunning , We did a fabulous walk drom Homesteads , up hill, down dale and ,shock horror, didn’t get lost.This was due to the fact we had a bloody great wall that Hadrian built, to follow. We also went to the beautiful gardens of Alnwick Castle.The hilight of that day , apart from getting a drenching from Jacob ,in all the amazing cascades and water features , was our tour round the locked ‘Poison Garden’. Dave ,our guide, gave us strict instructions not to smell, touch, stroke ( no not him ) but any of the poisonous plants. He was giving us lots of tales of murder and witchcraft, when suddenly ,one of our party collapsed. We suspected foul play and were all instantly under suspicion, until Doris the first-aider was summoned and the collapsed girls’ Mother told us she’s always doing this. Dave, by this time , had aged 5 years and was looking for another job.

Marion

At 3pm today, as we are driving up to Newcastle ,I shall be thinking of my friend Marion as sadly ( a stupid word – I mean something much stronger than that ) it is the time of her funeral . She is a lovely , kind , funny , articulate caring person . We were in our Monday night book club , and she’d always read the book ( unlike the rest of us – some of whom hadn’t even bought it ! ). We bonded the first time we met , as we made each other laugh , and we both loved the book ‘Music and Silence’ by Rose Tremaine.

Today I send lots of love and strength to her family.

** I think thats the title

We were in room 14, Brigstock Manor ,just tucking into jerk chicken , peas and rice, a happy meal and a chicken sandwich from Boots – I think they call it fusion food in trendy circles….when Grandmama asked Jacob if he liked Pole dancing ? He replied doing it or watching it ? i don’t think you need to know how the rest of the conversation went.

Did you see ‘Young, Autistic and Stagestruck’**. I loved it . Spookily ( literally ) I am off to the Lyric hammersmith ,where it was filmed ,tonight , to see ‘Ghost stories’. Then tomo we are up with the lark and off to see the Duke of Northumberlands huge Treehouse and a wall that Hadrian built ( with NO help from ‘The Shed Channel’ or ‘Bricky mate’ )

London is beautiful, but so are The Chilterns

I think I have OCD. Once I find something I love , I go back to it again and again – maybe for OCD, I should replace ‘lack of imagination’. Today I picnic’d and walked on the banks of the River Chess – this time further upstream and then played ‘The Cave’ by Mumford and sons repeatedly on the CD player. You think now I’ve spent 3 hours with Rosie’s ipod jammed in my ears ( while having my mouth clamped open – but still able to communicate with sign language and very flexible toes), I’d know how to load music onto it , but no-one in this house has the patience to show me.

A heap big happy 18th birthday to one of our favourite people , Natchat – it’s all legal now so enjoy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

* Izzy thanks for The Glee update. Yes Adam the School for the deaf were a bit too squeaky clean , but their teacher was a hoot.

Pineapple clashes with 4 weddings clashes with ASD clashes with salvage your shed

Just got in from the most beautiful walk in The Chess valley – only got lost about 7 times ,even though the path was parrallel to the river.,

Anyway ,this is a paragraph from an email I had from my friend Sally , in New Zealand….

”Btw, I have registered for the London 10k on 11 July, although at the moment it’s looking unlikely that I’ll make it due to work pressures. I’m doing my utmost to make it happen however, if I can’t make it eventuate, a) there is a spare, paid registration if some poor student wants to transfer it to their name (or run under my alias!) and b) I’ll be organising a Run for Rosie here on the same day – I’ve already talked my personal trainer into helping make it a reality here if I can’t be over there.”

………………..so if theres anyone who hasn’t entered and wants to be on the reserve list for sallys place , let me know.

Whats happened to Glee- i just get into it , remember all their names and now I can’t find it anywhere on Sky ? Mind you these days, John has ours tuned permanently into ‘The Shed Channel’- NOT a joke.

I’m guess you’re all finally tuned athletes this year – no sightings of any runners round W13

Real answer -it’s a sort of Spanish omelette

Last night we dined out last night courtesy of The Ealing Gazette, I won a competition with the correct answer to what is a frittata ( an Italian patata ? ) ? I posted my answer to them on the back of a weird ,violenty eroticy ,Frida Kahlo postcard- Bertollinis phoned to say I’d won and told us they picked my answer as they liked the colourful card. They treated us like 4year olds – putting celebratory balloons on out table, but we ate and drank like 54year olds- even trying to rip the balloons off the table leg to take home with us ,when we left !

Then today , the 4 of us dined out al fresco on the banks of the Thames – it was beautiful, with the first peroni ,it felt like we were abroad.. Then we all saw ‘Soap’ and went for a walk in Hyde Park – God ,London is a great place to live.

Did anyone leave 1 red leather glove at ours ?

This is a small part of a lovely email I’ve just received from a an American student, Debbie , who came to stay with us. It made my day …and made me cry- the worst part my grief , is missing Rosie and millions of fragments in my life ,don’t seem to come together. The email goes on longer ,this is just a snippet , but Debbie did mention the constant hints at getting hair straighteners for Christmas !

Rachel & Family,

It’s been ages and Im not even sure if you will remember me, lol. What is it, six years now since I stayed a few months with your family? I was doing some research to catch up and say hello to you all and read the devastating news about Rosie. The world truly lost a bright, incredibly talented & fun loving girl. I will never forget her inviting me in the living to watch “The Exorcist” on the television because it was the week of Halloween. Instead of letting it scare her she laughed and did her own impressions of Linda Blair’s character. I could tell she was trying to hold back her laughter at the parts that were attempting to be extremely horrific.

Holly, what happened to the tablecloth ?????

If I can ever give you one bit of advice , it is this – beware of homemade Georgian wine and vodka in plastic coke bottles ,made by a man you met on a planes’ ,father. Got that ?

I have just been round The Serpentine, a Richard Hamilton exhibition, paddled in Princess Diana’s stream, had coffee…all in a blur- I. Last eve was our Turkish delight night. Izzys P’s team stormed to victory over Stu’s team. We ate like Ottoman Emperors, we drank like Turkish nomads and once I’d gone to bed, the cardoman shisha appeared – nuff said.

Go see LB

After an absolutely brilliant night ( and not a magnet in sight,Lorna, ) with lovely friends, blown away by the happy cheesefest that is Legally Blonde and then finnishing off with deux Long Island Iced Teas, tapas, plans of camping with Laura Marling and Bobby Dylan, I woke up with Moira Stuart telling me that Christopher Cazanove had died after being overwhelmed by septicaemia. As I mentioned before , I have read a lot of stuff he and his ex-wife wrote about the sudden death of their son ,Linford , about 10years ago.They are ardent supprters of charities that have supported us. Then i read some of the stuff the press wrote…”he never got over the death of his son,”…..are the press stupid ? You never do.

I was so taken with rosie’s ipod I wore it on the bus home

Answers….a) yes did it did shuffle songs I knew , and a couple I didn’t. There was one really tough section (when the drilling was at its loudest and the volume up full – which proved difficuilt when the dentist said ‘bite together ‘ and i didn’t hear her . But ,together we developed some sensory signs, ie-she tapped my chin and I closed my mouth ) when Dance Dance Dance by Lykke Lye followed by Make me a channel of your peace sung by Sinead O’Connor, followed by a Kings of leon songcame on . However the spell was broken by David and Patrick ,in The Broadways belting out Gracie Fields ! b) I couldn’t hold back the tears in that section, but no one noticed as The dental nurse kept missing my mouth with the spray – so my face was pretty wet anyway. c) we all had a loo break half way through.

I sandwiched my morning of medical intervention between 2 musical treats ( no not The Broadways or Belgrade ) . Last night we saw the fabulous Amy Macdonald at the Shepherds Bush Empire, then tonight we’re going highbrow – Legally blonde !

she’s going to be drillling on metal

I’ve just learnt how to use Rosie’s ipod in preparation for my 3 hours in the dentist’s chair tomo a) I hope it shuffles me songs I know b) I hope I don’t cry and c) I hope I don’t wet myself .

Peshwari Naan too

Stu- its called Raki. I’m popping into Hanwell’s answer to Calais’s Intermarche -‘The Nest’ tomo.So hopefully I should be able to get some there. We also have the delights of the homemade wine Jacob carried all the way back from Georgia. if the smell is anything to go by , we’ll be using it to strip the paint of a couple of old canvases !

Jacob is standing over me as I type , he’s obviously been away from civilisation ( ie a signal ) for too long, cos he says hes going to get faced tonight ( his words – the truth is he’s snugged up watching Extras with a mug of tea and his Bob The Builder Easter Egg )and send lots of prank txts. So , if you’ve any sense turn your phones off before you go to bed.

I had something ,I haven’t had for about 8 years , but used to have loads of when I first met John – a lamb and spinach Balti , in Brum – deliciminioio

Jacob goes twitching

Managed to get radio contact with Jacob today, which was a miracle as only one of the whole party can get a signal on her phone in Gigha. They were out walking and mid way through the phonecall he spotted a seal. At first I thought he meant he’d seen the the singer , Seal, and I commented that it was common for the rich and famous to escape to these remote places. He then said he wanted to spot a whale and the only famous one I know ( apart from Free Willy ) is James Whale on LBC , who is a right wing old git, so I said it would be better if he didn’t see one. Meanwhile , down south , we went out for a round walk in The Chilterns-down dale ,along the River Chess and up a bloody great hill- beautiful

In fact , by the end of the phonecall Jacob established it wasn’t a seal , but a Big Bird , and NOT the one in Sesame Street.

Not a tent in sight

Amy GB – that made me laugh out loud , he might be Jordans stylist – but did he have style ?

I’m all cultured out .Thanks to some lovely friends I’ve had some very positive distraction therapy.Last night Sarah and Richard took us to see ‘The 39 steps’ . It was fantastic , a real hoot and so cleverly done- 3men and 1 woman improvise all the parts. Then we dined out at Veeraswamys, having been there for 74years ,it is said to be the oldest surviving Indian restaurant in the UK – the food was amazing , esp my garlicy,coriandery,gingery king prawns, wahed down with a couple of cold cobras , can’t think of a better way to start a BH weekend.

Then today Flo and I went did the Van Gogh exhibition at the RA – beautiful stuff , Flo liked his portraits , I liked his bright swirly landscapes.But sadly not a happy chappy.

Had a txt from Jboy today- he’s swimming hard and should reach america by Wednesday – joke. he’s having a fab time ,eating really well and last night he had the halibut at the opub , which was amazing. This afternoon ,he said the sun was out and they might go swimming ….AGAIN- are they crazy ?

Izzy – heard you were drinking Efes- where , who with, are you back in Istanbul , has Nikki gone with you ??

Not a tent in sight

Amy GB – that made me laugh out loud , he might be Jordans stylist – but did he have style ?

I’m all cultured out .Thanks to some lovely friends I’ve had some very positive distraction therapy.Last night Sarah and Richard took us to see ‘The 39 steps’ . It was fantastic , a real hoot and so cleverly done- 3men and 1 woman improvise all the parts. Then we dined out at Veeraswamys, having been there for 74years ,it is said to be the oldest surviving Indian restaurant in the UK – the food was amazing , esp my garlicy,coriandery,gingery king prawns, wahed down with a couple of cold cobras , can’t think of a better way to start a BH weekend.

Then today Flo and I went did the Van Gogh exhibition at the RA – beautiful stuff , Flo liked his portraits , I liked his bright swirly landscapes.But sadly not a happy chappy.

Had a txt from Jboy today- he’s swimming hard and should reach america by Wednesday – joke. he’s having a fab time ,eating really well and last night he had the halibut at the opub , which was amazing. This afternoon ,he said the sun was out and they might go swimming ….AGAIN- are they crazy ?

Izzy – heard you were drinking Efes- where , who with, are you back in Istanbul , has Nikki gone with you ??

Not a tent in sight

Amy GB – that made me laugh out loud , he might be Jordans stylist – but did he have style ?

I’m all cultured out .Thanks to some lovely friends I’ve had some very positive distraction therapy.Last night Sarah and Richard took us to see ‘The 39 steps’ . It was fantastic , a real hoot and so cleverly done- 3men and 1 woman improvise all the parts. Then we dined out at Veeraswamys, having been there for 74years ,it is said to be the oldest surviving Indian restaurant in the UK – the food was amazing , esp my garlicy,coriandery,gingery king prawns, wahed down with a couple of cold cobras , can’t think of a better way to start a BH weekend.

Then today Flo and I went did the Van Gogh exhibition at the RA – beautiful stuff , Flo liked his portraits , I liked his bright swirly landscapes.But sadly not a happy chappy.

Had a txt from Jboy today- he’s swimming hard and should reach america by Wednesday – joke. he’s having a fab time ,eating really well and last night he had the halibut at the opub , which was amazing. This afternoon ,he said the sun was out and they might go swimming ….AGAIN- are they crazy ?

Izzy – heard you were drinking Efes- where , who with, are you back in Istanbul , has Nikki gone with you ??

last tent standing

Today was tough at work. We had a leaving assembly for our lovely Speech Therapist, Sue. I am not good at good-byes and I haven’t stood up and addressed a big gathering since Rosie’s funeral. But I did it – I made sure my ‘mask’ was on tight and even managed to sing and lead the whole school in a French farewell medly ( don’t ask ).Then we all watched a series of photos of Sue working with the students while playing lodly in the background was ‘You’ve got a friend’ and the ‘Reach for the stars’. By this time , the mask was slipping and my pain crippling me , so I busied myself with the students and then escaped to my room at lunchtime , with Rosie’s photos.

Since Rosie died ,trashy TV is a source of easy distraction. I know it sounds trite and I apologise if i get carried away with my viewing habits. But I’d just like to add ….did anyone recognise Ivy and Graham , who had a full-blown naturist wedding on Monday nights ‘Four Weddings’? They were on Coach trip a couple of series ago !!Also Tracey who was Embarrassing Illnesses ( I bet Helen C. and all other Sheffield students watch this ) a couple of weeks ago ,with her rotten teeth., was also on Coach trip – they must be compulsive applicants for geeting a freebee out of a C4 trashy prog.

NO news from Jacob , do you think his tent is stii standing ?

change of career

Lorna , I was in Old Compton Street once when I got followed around by a scruffy woman and a camera crew. Thinking she was ‘The secret millionaire’, I was really nice to her, told her ALL my good deeds………then the next night i found myself on ‘Big Brother’s Little brother’ .

Izzy S- that youtube video of Starman was hysterical – I noticed he’s dumped Rosalee and wrapped himself up in tinfoil. It looked so dated – like a reject from the Eurovision Song Contest. Yes you’ve guessed right- Florence got her own way and we watched ‘Pinapple Dance studios’ followed by Coach Trip ( I’m NOT being budged on that one ).Before you’re thinking I’m getting down there ( problem is I couldn’t get back up ) with the 20something dance brigade , Pineapple was recommended by our neighbours, Matt and Kim, who are my age – although you all think I look a lot younger ?!

As for Glee, Adam it was you who suggested I watch that, even Flo won’t watch that one with me. I think they must be sponsed by the Equal Opps thingey. Last week there was a school for the deaf’s choir and the week before we were introduced to Sue’s sister who has Down’s Syndrome. But 9pm tonight is sound effect overload – ‘One Born every minute.’ I love the woman on reception- all she does is gossip and eat , while everyone around her is either, running, pushing , panting or screaming- I want her job.

Intellectual viewing

At 9pm , Flo and I have a dilemma. Do we watch Glee ( my choice ), Pineapple Dance Studios ( her choice )or 4 weddings ( also my choice ). I think we all know which one will win…………..

The stuff I read

Oh Sarah ,I’d forgotton about that. Jacob brought 2 huge,whole, smelly ,old salmon , back from work , wrapped them in newspaper,placed them in Topshop bags and wrapped them in Christmas paper and gave them to Rosie and Flo on Christmas morning. I’m glad Thor remembers that , personally I remember you giving Kristian ( aged 32 ? )a pair of jeans and him immediately dropping his trousures to try them on !

I read the paper very differently to the way I read it 65 weeks ago. I am not a political animal, but am drawn to what people say about life/death / the universe. I feel a bond when anyone writes about their child dying. In my head and heart I reach out to them and feel an unexplainable connection with them and want to put a protective arm around their dead child.

Yesterday the stuff that affected me were these…Ian Clayton’s story about the tragic death of his 10yr old daughter ,Billie,who died in a terrible canoeing accident in 2006. I’ve just picked a little bit that resonates with me He writes ”You think,how do I begin to deal with this?How do we survive now ?Ypu don’t know where to put the grief, you don’t know what to do with it.Writing it down, putting it onto pages,is doing something with it some-where.It’s saying:there it is.That’s my grief.That’s her story”.

Then I read the letters in response to last weeks Lionel Shriver’s article ( she wrote ‘We need to talk about Kevin’ – I read it about 5yrs ago and it is an amazing book ) about her abondoning her dying friend. As one woman ( who has cancer ) wrote ”to the friends who have been able to stay the course and acknowledge my cancer ( in my case – grief ), I want to show the greatness of the gift they are giving me.

Finally, Felicity Kendall’s final Q&A answer to ‘What is the most important lesson life has taught you?”……….”Life is fragile and short. Don’t waste it by being mean or greedy”

**

I think Jacobs been eating the same mushrooms that The SOC had on their D of E adventure. Either that or he’s become a fan of Wolfie AKA Citizen Smith- do you have views on spending money on flagstones for the front garden.( ask the Fletchers about this one )

I also think my frogs are celibate. I cleaned out my pond today. In the 5” of silt at the bottom , I discovered 15 frogs ,1 newt , 1 fish ( remarkably still alive ) and yet only a golf-ball sized lump of frog spawn ( Mike next door has tons of the stuff ). I’m guessing my obese fish ( named Alan ) has eaten them all.

**yesterdays heading was a reference to the time one of Waitrose’s loyal customers asked Jacob for advice on how to cook her expensive organic lamb culets . ‘Boil them ?’ was his reply !

Don’t boil it Jacob

Izzy, I LOVE the story of the bus – did it knock the bollards over ( or was that Rosie on a driving lesson )? I am so glad you had such happy happy funny funny times, she should be with us now to have more happy , funny times.

It’sThanks to Lorna giving me all her old copies and loving them , i now subscribe to the magazine ‘Coast’ .What a shock ,on page114, there is an article about …..Gigha. Its 6miles long,has 1 main road, a hotel , 2 shops, a few holiday cottages, a marauding bunch of Newcastle Uni students and loads of whopping great halibut – apparently it is famous for them ( halibut NOT students). with all AF’s experience on Waitrose fish counter, they should eat like kings.

He hasn’t really got boney fingers , it just makes for a better story.

Now you see him , now you don’t. Unless of course you are Florence and you hear him tapping on your window at 2oclock in the morning , pull your curtain back and just see his boney fingers and the top of his red hat that hasn’t been off his head since he came back from Georgia ( maybe he’s joined a cult ? ). AF was up at 4.30am, on the first leg of his journey( Bermonsey underground station ) to Gigha. God knows where he is now ( probably still on the jubilee line – asleep ).

It was pouring with rain when I took Grandmama out for lunch today . She wanted to go to a pub, so I racked my brains and came up with ‘The Alleyns Head’ in W.Dulwich…it ticked all the boxes, big, bright , rough ( didn’t used to be ), disabled parking and with the added bonus of a 2 meals for £8 deal and a lovely barmaid who insisted that she waited on table for us. Grandma asked how i knew the place, I replied I knew it from my schooldays… she seemed to think I knew a lot of pubs in that area from my schooldays ( well i had to have some leisure time after all that hard work and fake I.D. was not invented or asked for circa 1974, between 12 and 2.30 in term times- if you were wearing a uniform )

I

He hoped no-one spotted him climbing over the fence

The tell tale signs that Jacobs home have appeared. Number 1 being the stepladders are up in the back garden . After a night out and forgetting his keys and having no battery on his phone .he climbed over the fence, into the back garden , put up the ladders, climbed them and tapped on Florence’s window. Poor thing , you think she’d be petrified – if she wasn’t so used to Rosie doing it !

Billy no mates me.

You know that theory , you wait ages for a bus , then 3 come along at once. Well it happened today to Jacob .He shot over to Brigstock to visit Grandma, then Audrey , Janes friend from Social Services , and then Avril , Grandma’s friend from The Golden Circle ( don’t ask – you just need to know its not golden or inner ) also dropped in to visit. Grandma held court on her bed . She CBA’d to get up and sit on the chair , and then proceeded to crack funnies(?) all afternoon .When an agency carer introduced herself as Elizabeth, Grandma quipped 1st or 2nd ?.Then the next agency carer , when asked, said her name was Juliet – to which Grandma asked ‘where’s Romeo ? Lizzie and Jules hadn’t got a clue as to what she was talking about.

I had a great morning at work , a group of African musicians came in to run workshops.By midday we were all up whooping and a dancing – infectious wonderful distractive, happy stuff.

Just had a email leafletty thing about the open air concerts at Hampton Court. Michael Ball ( I love a showtune) is on on Sat 19th June and none of the Dwyers want to come with me . Anyone interested ???

Lovely choices Bert

I’m blown away ( again ) by the photos Bert has chosen for this month.They really are happy ones . Laura, Joe and Rosie in Benicassim , Holly and Rosie by a bus ( what is that story ?) and us 5 on The Top of The Rock NYC ( the photo is somewhat spoiled by a big old structure – me. Everyone else looks great ).I know I am biased but Rosie is so Goddam naturally beautiful . I miss her so so so so so so much and I want her even more.

We saw ehe 2012 Olympic rowing site.

I’ve had an exhausting day doing the Dorney Duathalon. When I say doing , I really mean driving , supporting, and watching Andrew, Bob, George, John and Richard, run , cycle, run, and then have a full massage ( i tried pretending I’d done it , for that perk , but i didn’t have a number – or a bicycle, so couldn’t get away with it ). John did his usual trick of taking a wrong turning as he was following a cyclist who wasn’t even doing the event , just innocently cycling home – so he never got to beat Andrew. All back here for dins and now we await Jacob and Teal.

No one wanted to sing ‘The hills are alive ‘

The Stewart family are my new best friends – they have cast 2 votes at the exhibition- just get Ian , Ruth and Little Mart along and I can arrange for us to be related.

I think I’ve asked this question before , but did you see the documentary ‘Sing for the brain ‘ , all about how good singing is for people with dementia ?. Well. Claire , Bob , John and I can officially confirm it is true.Last night , with Coldershaw Road’s answer to Bobby Crush ( without the pageboy hairdo ) tinkling on the ivories, we belted out a few classics- including – Even Now-Barry Manilow, Lionel Ritchie’s- the dementia has returned as i can’t remember the name of the song ( a classic ), Billy Joel- Piano man and finnishing off( literally ) Burt Bacharach’s – this guys in love with you. We were only interupted by Ealing’s environmental health’s noise abatement team , a couple of times.

Is only having 9 photos a bit sad ?

At last the big day has arrived – Coach Trip is in Istanbul. 5pm tonight C4. Last night they arrived in Turkey and did The Hamman/ Chai/Apple Shisha – it so inspired me for our Turkish Delight Night,. John is building a marble heated ( massage) slab ,for the centre of our kitchen , as we speak .

Did you read Jacob’s ( weird comment – I’m his Mother and still don’t know what he’s talking about ). Well……………from offyourfacebook, Jacob has made a friend called Jacob Dwyer in NYC. The American Jacob has 9 photos on his profilethingey and photo number 9, is off one of my lovely Ealing friends. Is that spooky or just a coincidence ?

Update on Grandma – yesterday she saw the Physio , Doctor , Judy the keep fit lady and lovely Gill from Social Services . So we squeezed in lunch in the garden.

Not quite Keycamps

Mary did a sneaky on me last week and turned up on the Wednesday. So after numerous phecalls to Mayday Hosp Physio dept, I persuaded her to face up to her fears and to returnto room 14 Brigstock ( only 2 months til its knocked down ) Manor today when I would be there. I don’t hold out much hope, Grandma, a high rotator and a bad dose of the shingles , doesn’t make for positive mobility outcome.

Thank goodness a friend is cooking supper for me tonight.

A record – 9 comments for ‘The Ramblers got it wrong’. Laura, the zip incident made me laugh and cry, ,I can so imagine Rosie in a situation like that – 0-50 in 3 seconds .Was the inside of your tent as neat and tidy as it was in Benicassim ???????

We had cabbage for tea ( but not with bacon , with fricadella

In keeping St.Patricks Day, I had an urgent appt. with Phil McCavity , as half my tooth had fallen out while eating a grape … or could it have been a toffee ? My lovely dentist , did a huge temporary filling , and told me to book a 90min appt , for a complicated proceedure which involves drilling into metal .She told me to bring an ipod . I’m not sure if it’s to stuff in my mouth/ put in my ears/ put in her ears . Now all I need is for someone to show me how to use an ipod( and stop eating toffees ).

It’s like Eurovision, but for artists

Who needs Isabard kingdom Brunel when you live with Johnnie Dwyer ( or ‘Calamity J’ as AF calls him ) ? He has rigged up the most amazing piece of engineering to display Rosie’s 2 collaborative portraits. The heavy heavy collage is fixed against the wall , in our middle room ( so sadly we can’t see all those wonderful mugshots of our friends and family – but when times are hard ,we can turn it round and start our own dating agency ) ,and the painting one is attached to the wall in front of it, hung on 2 huge hinges and is on wheels and so it opens like a book. Impressed/confused, you are all very welcome to pop in and see it.

Ps. Hope you are all remembering to vote for your favourite piece at The PM Gallery ?????

2 questions and a statement

Don’t be fooled into this heading being the title of a new, yet somewhat jaded ,Richard Curtis Film.

Q1. has anyone local any old remote controls or portable TVs they want to get rid off. They don’t have to work and they might be mashed up.

Q2. did anyone hear kate McCann interviewed by Aled jones ,on the radio this morn ? It was so moving, and apart from the spiritual stuff , I could associate with so much that she said. She chose to play Snow Patrol’s ‘Chasing Cars’- those words do my head in .

Statement – A record, 7 comments to 1 blog entry ( OK , I know 3 of them were mine )

The Ramblers must have got it wrong

Today we did a walk from my foolproof book ”Walk Britain. The Ramblers top 50 walking routes to Britain’s finest views”. What a load of old tosh – yes the walk was beautiful , but no way was it foolproof – we got hopelessly lost. We walked up ( and down) Beacon Hill, Pulpit Hill , Cymbeline Castle Hill , plus every other hill within a 9 mile radius. Cos I’m always loosing my glasses , I’d printed off 4 copies of the route and dished them out and as back-up Ali had her orange OS map. We saw Red Kites , Chequers , were caught on CCTV , answering the call of nature – which should give Gordon’s security guards , something to put on youtube. We stopped for coffee and scooby snacks, a picnic lunch , and when we finally made it back to Little kimble Station, we went back to The Jinmans for tea , so you’ll be glad to know we didn’t starve ( although there was a 55minute window I was worried about ).

I was telling them about the time Rosie ( and some mates , Laura, Izzy and who else ? ) came back from her D of E ramble. They started the walk, turned right instead of left and added about 6miles to its length. She was most indignant as they had been thrown out of a pub. I tried pointing out The Landlord was trying to make a living , and you lot using his toilets , eating your own packed lunches and not buying a drink , wasn’t helping his cause. That didn’t go down too well. I ( and he ) were clearly in the wrong !

We had a lovely lunch too .

When you see those queues snaking round the block, don’t be fooled into thinking it’s for The Van Gogh Exhibition- its actually for the ‘Ealing Open ( exhibition , not golf), where an infamous Van Dwyer ( i.e. mine ) painting of Rosie’s bedroom , is on display .

I’m artied out today. Lorna treated me to The Affordable Art Fair – neither of us could afford anything , but we had fun choosing our favourites and critiscising all the other stuff. Then tonight was the Champagne Private view of The Ealing one- in reality ,there was no champagne but you could buy a glass of warm Pinot Grigio for £1.

Good clean fun

Last night I was sandwiched between a journalist from The Putney and Hammersmith Times*, my friend Fiona, Simon Callow , Rula Lenska and half the gay population of West London. We were all watching 8 amazing men and women do beautiful , funny, clever,acrobatic, dancey stuff in baths.We were even given a bar of ‘lush ‘ soap.

* As usual , I got all emotional and told her all about Rosie and this website…It is so important to me that Rosie is recognised for the lovely person she is.

If you’ve got the oven on and want to make good use of the energy…

Wish me luck, I’m off for a meeting with Grandmama and Mary , the physio. Mary is bravely attempting to try Grandma with a new upright Rotator ( yes , you can be forgiven for thinking thats a farming term- but its what The G calls her rollator). She is so stooped now , has no confidence , and will only attempt to use it when I am there- I was talking about Grandma , but after the meeting ,that willl probably apply to Mary too.

So as the antithesis to this , I am going to see ‘Bath Boy’ in ‘Soap’ …at The Riverside studios tonight. He was amazing in ‘la Clique’ and this time he’s bought along 4 others – all with their own baths.What they can’t do with a rubber duck and a trapeze, wearing very liitle clothes, isn’t worth doing.

….I’ve had a few emails about the Whoopee Pies, but sadly no-one has dropped any off yet . Flo and I particularly liked the oatmeal and cream cheese one ……………….

A beautiful building

Had a lovely day at work , took my year 11’s on a sensory guided tour of St.Paul’s Cathedral. We got to put on ceremonial Priest’s robes ( very heavy ), hold solid gold and inlaid with precious gems goblets ( quite heavy ), sandwich ourselves between Wellington and Nelson ( too heavy to shift even with all our body weights up against them ) and were incouraged to touch the sculptures. This is one of my isms- art you can touch ,I love it . How long before they notice one of the goblets is missing ?

A difficuit day

The first voice I heard this morning was Sarah Kennedy’s telling me that the actor Christopher Cazanove was critically ill in hospital with Septicaemia. It rocked me to my boots. When I hear news like that it feels someone has stabbed me in my raw gaping wound. It was particularly poignant as i’ve been reading some of the wise,loving stuff he and his then wife , Angahard Rees , wrote after the sudden death of their son, Linford.

It has been at the forefront of my mind all day. Even though I’m consumed by pain it doesn’t stop me feeling other peoples, in fact it hilights it . I wouldn’t wish the devastation that Septicaemia can bring , on anybody else.

Even the ties went

I’ve had 2 hot offers in one afternoon – a coffee at the cafe of my choice and a haircut. Yes ,just another few hours ‘front of house’ ( no-ones getting me behind the sink) at the soup kitchen.it was busy today about 95covers. Ealing is now home to the best dressed homeless people. I took a load of John and Richard C’s suits ,shirts and tshirts and hung them on the takeaway rail. They were snapped up . So if any of you have any decent warm clothes ( preferably mens ) you want to pass on , just drop them off at 106 and I’ll take them to SK- when we’ve been through them ourselves- of course !

2 edible firsts in 1 day

A day of Gastronomoque feasts Rosie would have loved…..Flo and I located, sourced, bought and ate our first ‘Whoopee pie’ – we are SO trendy ,they are THE thing to eat ( Tenby’s battered mars bars are so 1999). Tonight John and I have just got in from supper with friends, we all cooked up a Raclette- I feel like i’ve just come off the piste ( read into that whatever you want).

Star spotting

Edward- thank-you. I just thought it was me being as deaf as a post, but it was cos Precious mumbled ,I couldn’t hear her. To me the film was thought provoking – stereotyping/the ease of pulling the wool over a social workers eyes/the importance of self worth. Her daughter ( esp. her name) broke my heart. I didn’t realise it was Lenny Kravitz- and theres you thinking its a young Witney Houston.

I’m coffee’d out . this pm went walking and coffeeing in Petersham Nurseries – supposedly Madonna’s favourite place to eat in london. A load of tosh ( probably put about by The Manager of PN ). No sign of Madge , but we did see a distressed chest for £1,250 . Then this am , after coffee in the newly refurbed Carluccios, I spotted Linda Robson- I love her country and western music .

The hoops aren’t full size ones

I went later to Brigstock,yesterday. Well a nurse has to do her duties, plus I went to the dentist. I arrived midway through Judy’s keep-fit class. Grandma was there, in all her glory , sandwiched between Ernie and Rocky, so of course I had to join in . I plonked myself between Ernie and Gladys. What Ernie didn’t do with his hoop wasn’t worth doing . he swung left, when he should have gone right ( nearly knocking my new temporary crown out ). When he was supposed to be doing ‘picture frame’ -elbows back, hold hoop in front of face,stretch arms,move upper body forward and stick face through hoop, he had his round his ( and anyone else close by ) neck and was gurning. I can’t begin to tell you what he did when given his yellow strip of stretchy rubber.

Went to see ‘Precious’ last night- very moving.

I’m on the mend

I’m on the mend

At the moment though, I have a left thigh that matches Roberto Carlos (Brazilian footballer)

I must be a bit more careful! It all happened while attempting to turn right off the Uxbridge Road .I approached the maneuver a little too fast, with my right arm signaling I tried to brake with the left, turning at the same time, all far too ambitious for someone with my cycling skills.

With Rach as my nurse I’m sure I’ll be back on the bike in no time. She’s just headed off to see her mum, giving me supplies of Ibuprofen and Paracetamol. Her parting words were “you can overdose on Paracetamol.” Was that a caution or instruction??

Take Care ( I will in future)

John

Medical Update

Progress report-

A restless night, little sleep, lots of pain, freezer empty, contents of it in bed ( Nat, any cheap ‘value’ peas at Iceland going begging? )……

Now onto John – the yellow jersey ( well one of those florescent waistcoat things – like Village people wear ) has been temporarily put away and he is pretty sore, shaken, fed up and in pain, but he’ll live to cycle another day.

does this happen to Lance Armstrong ?

Up until 6pm the 2 major events in my day were 1) finnishing my book ‘The Other Boleyn Girl’ ( very good brain-numbing stuff, all about all the the stuff that dirty dog, Henry VIII, got up to). 2) getting covered in modroc- occupational hazard. Then John came home injured. For those of you who live in Ealing, he was turning right ,by KwikFit, when he came off his bike. Thank God the driver who was right up his jacksey, stopped suddenly and got out to help- as did half the population of Ealing and our friends from the soup-kitchen ,who were sitting on Kwikfits’ wall. He is now downstairs nursing his leg, arm and pride with a packet of the best findus mint infused petit pois on all 3 extremities.

A red card after 24hours

OMG- Flo and I have just witnessed the first fight on Coach Trip – the production crew had to step in to break up an argey bargey on the coach- unheard of … Brendan was all of a dither. Plus, Georgina , they are in up in your neck of the woods, no not Brum ( although 4 of the coach party are from the W.Mids , so you could be forgiven for thinking they’re in Selly oak ) ,but N.E. Italy, just outside Venice and famous for its’ Grappa- is that why you chose to go there? Then Jacob , they are coming to Istanbul ( Nikki if we keep it on video , we could incorporate it into our Turkish Delight Night ).

I do apolojise if all this sounds like ‘a description of anything in the media I come into contact with’. I guess its cos the inside of my head is going crazy with images, sounds ,smells of Rosie mixed in with sadness/loss/love/grief/fear/guilt/longing/pain/questions, add that to that a broken heart , and you’ll see why brain numbing TV suddenly becomes attractive.

Top Shelf

Lorna , I’ve just googled Tim Wonnacott and I knew I’d seen him somewhere before- I think it was in Adam’s version of Friday 13th ?

X Rated horror

Adam , Shrek 2 was raunchy enough for me.( Why do you think my favourite programme is ‘Coach Trip’) ?

No cooking for me – yippee

Florence and I have just have come back from a wasted search for a ‘Whoopie Pie’ .Have you heard of them ? We went to this fabulous little,independent bakery in Chiswick called ‘ Outsider Tart’. You sit up at the counter to have your coffee, surrounded by these amazing home made cakes. We both agreed , althought Rosie would have loved it , it would have been a nightmare to stop her sticking her finger in all the creamy bits !

We are Sunday dinnering a la family Days tonight.

PS

Just a thought , isn’t Brad Pitt in Babel and Thelma and Louise ?

Chichester marina is lovely

Thank you Adam, thats put me out of my misery. Ann, I wouldn’t bother , its probably dated. When we last went to San Clemente , Rosie wanted to see a scarey movie. I suggested ‘Friday 13th’ , we hired it , watched it, it was dreadful , not at all scarey( but it had been about 10 years previosly ) . I redeemed myself by choosing ‘Babel’ to rent – we all loved that film.

John is emotionally exhausted after his full day of corporate hospitality at Twickenham , aah poor thing. He won the £50 sweep at the table- so the children at The Southend Academy, kenya , will benefit from Ireland beating England. So I’ve left him to sleep it off ,and watched 2 episodes of Glee( I love Sue ) and read yesterdays papers.

Yesterday was a lovely day and I’m not talking of David Essex being on the Jonathan Ross radio show. ( Anyone who knows me , will remember he was my first love and I saw Godspell 24x ), but Sarah whisked me off for the day . It was like like Thelma and Louise hit The Witterings. we got lost , picnic’d ,had coffee walked, had morecoffee, talked, got lost , ate in a village pub, got lost, got home , had R&C’s, were entertained by Richard and John….and Rosie was with us the whole time.

Name that film

I love water, seeing water, walking near it ( not bothered about drinking it , unless its with a meal ),frolicking (?) in it, my pond, but best of all I love THE SEA. Yesterday I got the train to Crowhusrt , met up with my friend Bev, and we went walking on Bexhill Beach . The wind was crazy, We went west towards Beachy Head, and could barely walk, the wind was so strong .Then east, towards Hastings, and were nearly flattened. We did however, go for a nosey , to Graham Norton’s new house, which is right on the beach. Help me here………it reminded me of a glassy,swanky beachfront Californian (?) house in an American film anbout a beautiful couple. He’s a controlling bully and she fakes her own death. He realises and comes looking for her., then it all gets stupid. I spent the whole train journey home trying to remember the name of that film.Help.

Then the bar ar The Cooden Beach Hotel beckoned.

Math Hurst and the 3 Pickles are on Board . ( Thats not the name of the band representing the UK in 2010 Eurovision )

MDT( my distraction therapy )

Today had it all- rain,cancellations, menopausal hot-flushes, too many schnapz’s, drunken advances , gay pathos, fear of heights, child bereavement, cheese fondue, exclusion – NO ,not mine and Rita’s trip to Brigstock Manor and lunch with Grandma at the Dulwich Woodhouse but ‘Coach Trip’ – it just gets better.

Adam- we’ve demolished your cheese, pickle , juice and eggs , all ab fab. Now I know why last nights couple on ‘Kirsty and Phil do serial flirting’ wanted to move to Norfolk.

At least now i can fast forward the adverts.

Jacobs home for 2 nights , for one of those we go out for a Thai and the second ,I thought ( stupidly ) we’d cuch up for Coach trip and A taste of Phil and Kirsty – I’m not so keen on Location Location Location on Friday nights with Phil and Fiona – no sexual chemistry and overt flirting there ( mind you no surprises , he’s married to her ). But alas no, theres some football match on and i’m not allowed to mess with the skybox til 10pm.

Two days ago , I did my favourite and only ( if you don’t include Sainsburies) kind of shopping – ”buy now with one click”. Ever since my little CD plopped on the mat , I’ve been playing my Tracey Chapman. I sing ‘The Promise’ to Rosie .You are right Joe, she is a wonderful song writer.

you can’t beat tempura Veg. and Phad Thai.

The fatted calf AKA ‘Thai Foresters ‘ was killed, J’Boys home. We’re all together for 2 days , and he’s lunching out today ……….with Grandmama.

Oh , and the London Youth Ballet performed for us at work yesterday- no sign of Louis ( Nat thinks she has a link ).

The Prodigal Son

Have you F5’d? Isn’t that such a beautiful photo of Rosie running over Brooklyn Bridge , laughing with Oliver ?

‘This years Love ‘, by David Gray really is a beautiful song . You really have to ask Helen the whole story , but I think the 2 of them used to light the candles, make tea and toast and play it after a night out .It’s also on Rosie’s video ,just before The Mystery Jets.

Laura , I’m going to nominate you for next years ‘so you think you can dance’ – no excuses – Rosie would be so proud.

I’m just off to kill the fatted calf – AF returns home tomo – yippee.

An answer please

Edward, that has to be the same Louis I watched last night. Where he can’t put his legs isn’t worth going . He’s no skinny pinny though- in fact I think he looks like a camp, double -jointed , Bob Hoskins. Rosie went to Pineapple a few times – street dancing ?? with Laura??

Everyday without Rosie is tough. Things, sounds , words, smells, sights can knock me off my feet. But this morning was a humdinger. John and I got back from having coffee with Christine C. I put the radio on – it was the (dreadful) Terry Wogan on radio 2, I was about to turn over for ‘Just a minute’ , when I heard it was David Gray he was interviewing. David then sang ‘ This years Love’ live. That was the last ever song we played for Rosie. I go on asking why was life so dam cruel to her ?

The FP incident

Today I’ve done Glee, Billy Elliot, Pineapple ( definitely worth a look – especially Louis ) and booked J,J,F & I in for the 10K. Then tonight for supper I had leftover fishpie ( Jamie Oliver’s Luxury recipe – definitely the best ), peas and ketchup. IzzyP. does that meal ring any bells with you ?

One sat. night a couple of years ago , Rosie got in late from Waitrose . she was in a huffy puffy stressy mood as Izzy was calling for her in about an hour and she had to shower, dress, trash her room, blowdry her hair , pull everything out of the wardrobe etc. She said she didn’t have time to eat and so I took her up a tray , on it – a glass of water and a bowl of fishpie with peas and ketchup, and a fork. After much stomping and banging, I went up about half an hour later to collect the tray …..what a sight. Rosie had knocked the tray, plus contents all over her bedroom floor ,made no attempt to pick it up and proceeded to walk through it , drop false eyelashes and make up and bits of her Waitrose uniform in it and then get cross with me for giving it to her ! God I wish she was here to do that again now.

‘I like to Boogie’

Get googling – Jacob is now in Batumi, Georgia. We had some friends round for supper last night and they were a mine of information 1 ) Georgia is the mafia capital of Russia 2) ‘Pineapple’ on Sky is well worth watching- rivalling Glee in its campness. So , as usual ,today, I was up with the lark , brain going crazy with longing for Rosie, so I made porridge washed it down with a couple of coffees and bedded down to 2 previous episodes of Glee ( my favourites are Terri and Emma and Sue ) and set the skybox for Pineapple ( where Rosie went a few times ) …and then today is TUIPD ( the ultimate in postive distractions) – out for lunch and seeing the show ‘Billy Elliot’- which is amazing. One happy evening about 4 years ago, the 5 of us went to see it. As I recall, Billy got sick in the first half , so we had a different Billy in the second half. As usual , Rosie comes with me.

No, he’s not Barbie’s boyfriend

I have a new bessy mate – Ken at St.Paul’s Cathedral. I went up there today , to do a reccy for a Sensory Art trip I am taking some of my students on. Ken is chief steward and he loves his job . He showed me all the nooks and crannies, gave me a history lesson , the lowdown on the famous guests and a guided tour of the disabled toilets – that Sir Christopher Wren was very forward thinking.

I like them with lemon and sugar

All our body parts are intact . Georgina supervised the tossing brilliantly and only 2 of Flo’s hit the floor- but me being a tight old cow, ate the first one ( coconut matting adds to the texture ) and Florence ate her next disaster ( By this point she CBA to make another one ) . Of course John took centre stage, with his triple twist , 2mm from the ceiling, reverse thrust toss.

Coach Trip Bullies

Spoke to Jacob a la Skypey tonight. Well we could see and hear him , but he could only hear us – which was probably a good thing , having been out for Breakfast (avec Paul ), lunch ( a la Room 14 at brigstock avec Grandmama and Flo ) and supper at Carluccios (avec Judy). and I was about to explode. He had a 40hour epic road/train trip to get the ‘the greenstairs Hostel ‘ T’Bilisi , and was just off to explore………………

Did you have pancakes today ? We are saving ours for tonight , as Georgina ‘s coming to supper , and she’s probably far better at making them than us. I was thinking back to the time Rosie got really burnt on Shrove Tuesday , and it was all my fault. There was too much fat in the pan , she tossed it , and the fat soaked her hand and arm.She had to have her arm dressed and the dressings changed everyday for the next couple of weeks by the district nurse. The healing was amazing , she had no scar left on her.I’m guessing, she was about 13 ?? She was a strong cookie. I think maybe thats another reason why we didn’t make them – we want her with us doing it .

Nikki, what do you think of Glenys and Roy ? I felt so so sorry for them . I hate it when people pick on a couple to get rid of.

Don’t worry Nikki, grandma is only your understudy while you are in Leeds…I’d never get her on the coach !

Such a busy 24hours , I nearly didn’t have time to mould, model,glaze and fire my blue plaque. Tonight I was visiting a friend at St.Mary’s Hospital, Paddington , where I was born …so i thought it was about time Alexander Fleming’s plaque came down and mine went up ”Little Rachey Brown ‘ was born here. I bet I could have discovered penicillan anyway- i think it was on my weeks worth of school packed lunch sandwiches , when I’d left them in my bag – a ‘Bender Burger ‘at the Wimpey was far more exciting.

Amy , my fellow team mate ( remind me never to be on the same team as Stu and Flo – and NEVER give them the power of the stopwatch ), has just solved a mystery for me- where had my dark rum gone? Into the choctails made after my midnight departure – consequences were about to start and at 51 ,I draw the line at that ( plus I was tired).

I bought a book of walks from Amazon for 1p .Pity it was about 10 years out of date. Claire and Bob , joined John and I in West Wycombe at the oldest garden centre in the UK ,after our session at CBC. for a 5mile round walk in The Chilterns- turned out to be about 10 miles with all our back doubles, getting lost in the woods , and climbing over barbed wire ( ouch ) detours- beautiful views though and a fab winter picnic.

Coach Trip started in Croydon – Grandma and I should have been there.

Not forgetting her Pips

As we speak, Jacob is getting off ‘The Midnight Train to Georgia ‘ ( for those of you under 50 ,thats the title of a Gladys Knight song ). He’s gone East- first choice was Tehran , but then he met a friend from T’bilisi , and so he’s headed off there .I bet it’s cold- Izzy P. he should have borrowed your hat – the one you wore when you picked up Rosie, about this time 2 years ago , as you headed off for NYC. He would have looked the part over there.

Today is all about Rosie. We have just come back from a walk around the grounds of West Wycombe House with members of The Child Bereavement Charity. It was beautiful, there were loads there , all with one terrible thing in common. We bought a snowdrop to plant and I thought of the time Julia and I took Rosie, Florence , Edward, Bella, Katie and Fiona there…and it was closed !

Then tonight it is like a meeting of The Bauhaus movement chez 106 . Well actually Rosies friends and Florence aka les Artistes ( minus globetrotting Jacob ) are clustering and sticking ( and drinking and eating ) around our kitchen table. I guess this is how those intellectual (?), socially aware (??), arty movements start. As long as no-ones put it on offyourfacebook and we get 3,000 people- that would spoil my chance of organising a game.

Nikki- big news , the new ‘Coachtrip’ begins tomo night on Channel 4. Set that record button now !

The year of the ……

Oh,Georgie and Izzy …thanks, I love hearing tales of Rosie , fummy to think of her with her cynical critics hat on. Whats freaking me out at the moment are the ads for ‘The lovely Bones’. I remember back in 2003 ,our fab holiday to San Clemente, California.Rosie couldn’t put that book down , she loved it , then , on her recomendation I read it . The irony is , its about a teenage girl that dies ( she’s murdered) and she then observes her family- now I can’t even bear to look at the billboards.

We have just ( accidentally) celebrated Chinese New Year- . We managed to avoid midnight on the 31st Dec and then tonight , for the first time in years go up to Chinatown for dinner.Anyone know what year it is ?

The Promise

Do they do evening classes in high-wire, contortanist, acrobatics while singing ,bouncing off someones head,then landing on another persons feet, juggling ping pong balls from your mouth, landing , falling down a hole, getting up , jumping off a spring, throwing yourself off a fabric wall, making a human pyramid then jumping onto another moving human pyramid ,doing the splits ( no probs with that one ), twinkling in the dark , while looking amazingly beautiful ? Why ? Because I think I need a couple before I apply to join The Cirque Du Soleil troupe…OK , maybe just the one. John , Florence and I went to see ‘Varakei’ last night , it was jaw droppingly amazing. It is about the 5th different CDS I’ve seen and every time I’m blown away. In my book it rates as highly as a Gay Musical for PDT ( positive distraction therapy – nothing to do with my hormones ).If you can – go and see it.

Then this morning I woke from a beautiful dream of Rosie, friends and me in a swimming pool. It was so real , it broke my heart , over again , to know she wasn’t here. It put me in a deep dark place . I then listened to Gok Wan’s Desert island Discs. Out of the 8 , he chose 2 Tracey Chapman songs. Jane loved Tracy Chapman. His final song, TC’s ‘The Promise’ threw me completely , it is so so so beautiful and all I could do was cry and yearn for Rosie.

Tonight, Florence’s culinary skills brought me back to earth with a bang- the aroma of Tempura Veg frying in the kitchen, instilling a fear ( or thrill ) of another visit from our friends at ealing fire Station !

The 3 amigo’s are off to see ‘The Woman in Black ‘ tonight. Have you read the book- it’s brilliant…and short ?

Who are you ?

Thank you to the anonymous person , who drops off an Evening Standard through our front door , about once or twice a week. Please reveal your self, so I can plant a thank -you kiss upon your cheek.

One more

Bumped into Anna at Perivale Track* and she mentioned ( as I flew past ) that she’s doing the run. She also gave more info about that trip to Brighton. when Madeleine invited** Les Girls , who would have thought it would become such an iconic day , immortalised in Amy’s film ?

Hurrah, broke up today ***

*- I made that up , Anna wrote about it under entry ‘Girls on Film’

**- I bet Madeleine didn’t actually invite them , they invited themselves.

***- I love my job, but it’s nice not having to get up early .

And prince William is the Patron

Did any of you read the interview with Gordon Brown last week ? I am not interested in politics ,but I was drawn to the bit he wrote about the death of his daughter,Jennifer. I agreed with everything he said .’

‘I know about death.there is a finality about death and if someone loses someone who is close to them ,you are never the same again.You cannot be the same person you were before,particularly if that someone is young, or in our case ,a child.

You are always thinking of what could have been.Every year you are thinking of that daughter who was about to ……

It changes your life forever.It makes you feel the value of time.

There has to be some purpose in tragedy.I remember how difficuilt it was to come to terms with what I never wanted to come to terms with……..” And so the interview goes on.

Interestingly the day before I read this I read an article about a fundraising auction David and Samantha Cameron held .It raised £100,000 for The Child Bereavement Charity ( CBC), where John and I have 6weekly counselling.

Then today we received an intivtation , as did all members of CBC, from Lord and Lady Dashwood ,to their home and garden ,West Wycombe House, for a walk and to plant a snowdrop for our child that died. I’ll let you know who I bump into.

My first saturday job was in a florist.Salary-50p

Oh Nikki, what an absolute pain, I feel for you, I’d have been well hacked off. Still when Jacob returns I promise you a Turkish night here, and if it’s warm ,we’ll even get the paddling pool out and have our own little dolphin show. Not sure how we’ll reinact the ferry rides/feeding the seagulls as they follow the boat/ the shisha / cocktals/ nightclub,/climb up the Gelata Tower/ fishmarket/Jacobs friends/Mosque/spice market /6 in a cab for 50p at 5am etc…but we’ll dam well try .

John and I went to see the much publicised Orchid display at Kew Gardens. ( not a shisha pipe in sight ). Personally ,i think it’s abit naff.Too many colours crammed into 1 place. When you look at them individually ,they are stunningly beautiful, but when put together they look like those plastic ones you get from the 99p shop. ( For what my opinion’s worth )

Hot off the PC

This is the email i just got from jacob- just thought I’d share what the girls and boy are up to………

”here come the girls- girls- girls – girls!
was a really good day- we got the ferry across- fed the birds- I managed to feed one from my hand- CRAZY. flozza was loving it- she papped it good.
so we went to a mosque in eminonu- then the spice bazaar- all bought some flavours of tea. then to the grand bazaar- stroleld through- then went for an amazing lunch.
THEN
we decided go to a DOLPHINARIUM!!!!!! we watched a dolphin show- trekked right to the end of the golden horn and it WAS worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3m-Mr-EsVA

2 and a half weeks till the jigga man is BACK IN TOWN!”

J.C.

Adam, I watched the one where Rachel left GLEE to be sally bowles somewhere else.So the drama teacher got an alcoholic,sassy ex student in to take the lead.Am I making any sense ? What is 4od?

Jst discovered mildew on my ciabatta ,so had to shoot up to sains, crucial cos I’m doing the starter a la Kay and Winstons while John relaxes in front of the rugby a la Richard’s settee. Mind you i did come away with a £5 sainsburies voucher- I bet john won’t.

Had one of those heartstopping, ,paralysing moments of overoverwhelming pain this morning. I was being happily distracted By Jonathan Ross, when he mentioned his wife had been ill and she was worried her infection might spread to septicaemia. he then played a Johnney cash track . How Rosie loved Johnney cash- esp ”When the man comes around” and ”Hurt”. God, I want her so bad.

Yes Izzy did but sadly, Nikki didn’t

Oh Nikki, what went wrong ? I’m so sorry you missed your plane – Easyjet waits for no man ( or student). To cheer you up , we will have a Turkish evening round here- kebabs, raki , Efes ( thats a beer not Jacob’s flatmate ), baclava, borek ,a tabla tournament and hopefully , Jacob will have completed his course in belly dancing ( all that art stuffs a decoy )and so we’ll have entertainment too.

I have just watched a whole GLEE – and loved it. Could do with a few more songs and if they could speak a touch slower…..but thats my problem not theirs. All we need now is the new series of Coachtrip and thats springterm sorted.

Did Izzy make it ?

The Turkish contingent , may well be climbing The Galata Tower, sinking ice cold beers sitting outside on The Galata Bridge, haggling over something they’ll never use again , in The Grand Bazaar, eating freshly fried calamari in the fish market ,but we’ve been having a good day too. Lorna, Andy,John and I went to Rosie’s woods, it was beautiful, we had a lovely walk round and found a pond we never knew existed . Then a huge pub lunch – without a kebab in sight.

Me again

A record – 3 entries in a day……

Edward ,I’m giving you an instant reply to your comment after ‘The Papers’. You are the 2nd person to recommend ‘GLEE’. Adam said I should watch it …the skybox is set up for tomorrow……..

Not Eminounou either

Helenka, Thats fab, that means there’s 7 of us doing it , you , me ,Izzy ,Joe, Sally( if she’s in the country) ,Mary M and Sam. Perhaps we could do it in relay formation ( I bet if we promised Georgina she could get her hand round the baton , she’d sign up in double quick time ). No ,everyone please keep those names coming ,and in half term I’ll get an encouraging email out to all. Oh yes, John says ‘whats wrong with a shaved head?’.

Ian france, i haven’t seen your name on the 10K list ???

I was on the ball with my earlier heading . the 3 amigo’s arrived safely in Kadikoy ( Izzy -NOT Karikoy ! ) and were whisked off for a …kebab. Jacob’s favourite is this funny one, folded over and covered in sauce- the Turkish equivalent of a calzone pizza ? I wonder what they are doing now.

Fiona gets a kebeb for her birthday

Sally , that would be wonderful if you could do it, it’s on Sunday11th July and you can register on www.thebritish10klondon.co.ok. You can wear Grandma’s TShirt, sadly she couldn’t run it last year ( a hot date with Arthur ) and this year she’s washing her hair.

Just a couple of thoughts on the run …… is it when the girls are in Benicassim?….should we set up an off yourfacebook page ?

As you can probably tell a) I’m hyper b) I’m not at Grandma’s today .Thats cos I was up at 4 am , on the M1 at 5am and back here in the bath at 8am . No, I wasn’t going to my other job as an Easyjet Trolley Dolley ( orange is so not my colour ) , but taking Florence, Fiona and Nat to Luton Airport , where they are jetting of to Istanbul to celebrate Fifi’s 18th. I expect jacob has the champagne chilling on ice.

zzzzzzzzzzz’s

I never thought it would come to this – too tired for ‘Embarrassing Illnesses’- only just managed to keep awake for Phil and Kirstie. Sometimes I think I’d do Moving house Maunchausens, just in an attempt to get them round here. Mind you I’m not as keen to meet Dr.Christian.

Well done Joe for being the most promt and enthusiastic race responder

More photos

Augustine, from ACE , has set us 4 photos of Brenda, Southend Academy’s newly appointed Art Teacher , and some of her students. Bert ,has kindly put them on the website.To look at them go to Rosie’s Charity Page,then Charity Photos and then click on more photos. I find it amazing that part of Brenda’s job spec is to familiarise the students with the Rosie Dwyer website…I hope they don’t think this writing is proper grammer like what we use all the time.

Quite a few people have asked me if we are doing ‘The British 10K’ this year….what do you think ? Being a realist, I don’t think it would be on such a large scale, but I think it could be quite fun , with a beer and bbq back here afterwards for the runners.As well as the run(?) and post run party , I feel it is a way of showing our love for Rosie, being together with people who feel the same way. I don’t think we could ask ACE to pay peoples entry , so I’m afraid you’d have to find the entry fee and then get as much sponsorship as you can.

John and Jacob are considering doing a HUGE charity event in Kenya , for ACE, later this year…all will be revealed very soon .

His stuff is amazing

I’m all fired up ( artistically ), I’ve just got in from a workshop, led by Carl Gabriel , the world famous carnival artist, specialising in wire formed sculptures. He does loads of work for The Notting Hill Carnival…we made our own lttle mask ….so if you see me around W.Ealing wearing a huge head-dress ( and very little else ) you know I’ve been well and truly inspired !

More adventures from The East

Just Skyped jacob, he’s studying very hard , but managed to sqeeze in a skiing trip and 2 football matches , with Patrick ,last week. Next week he is entertaining 6 girls from Blighty and then he’s off on a 30hour train ride to Georgia- hopefully NOT the one in America.

The Papers

Do you have a ritual when you read the weekend papers ? In that aspect of our lives , John and I are 100% compatable. He goes for news, sport,business, money. I go for family,travel,weekend mag and entertainment guide- so everyone’s happy. Last night we got in from supper at Terracotta, a local little Italian deli/restaurant. Fab food, fab company- Clare and Bob. The classic Lemoncellos on the house , Jacob’s liqueur of choice, Amaretto,back at the Fletchers house and then home for the papers.Sadly , I even have a ritual when I read the Guardian Weekend magazine – Blind date followed by , restaurant review followed by Yotam Ottolenghi’s recipe followed by your pictures…your letters …..Q&A.**…Experience. It was at Q&A it all went wrong. It was Kirsty Young’s this week. dam good photo, she looks beautiful . Q: What is your greatfest fear ? A:My daughters becoming serously ill. Q: What is the closest you’ve come to death A: I had bacterial meningitis in my mid 20’s. that was pretty close.

After that , I couldn’t read on . I felt that pysychological punch in my gaping open broken heart .

** I know Edward Steven’s of Hanwell reads Q&A , as I have read his complaint on ‘Your Letters ‘ as to how trite it is becoming !

Should have taken my swimming hat off

I bet you were thinking I wouldn’t make it to Hampton Open Air Pool. well we did, parked up and then walked straight past it , up The Dukes Passage ( stop it ) and into Bushy Park where we discovered the newly renovated Water Gardens, cascade and brewhouse . They were all fabulous, Like Rosie , I love London , even though this is 10miles out, and finding bits I’ve never been to before. Then the piece de resistance was to be found tucked inside the Woodland gardens , right next to the crocodile tree- a new cafe and toilets….bliss

Now Ivana’s gone , I want Alex to win

A trip to ‘The Orange Tree’

I’ve looked outside, it’s cold , dark, dank and raining, suddenly the planned swim in Hampton Open Air pool, doesn’t seem quite so appealing .

Lorna joined me on my little jaunt to Brigstock and we took Grandmama out to lunch to somewhere we’ve never dined before – The Pavillion cafe in Dulwich Park – wall to ceiling with Yummy mummies.buggies ,kids emptying all the salt, pepper on the floor, everything wholsome and good for you , so we went for the fusion-food option, 3 bowls of pasta …and chips.

Then last night I went to see a barking mad musical – ‘The lady and The Tiger’. pants reviews, good fun with the added bonus of an audience participation sing along in the second half – reading words ..and singing..and laughing…and scared you’re going to be picked on , now how distracting is that ?

Did anyone see the brilliant documentary ‘ Sing for the Brain ‘?

I had 8missed calls on my mobile .

For years I’ve dreamed about getting 3 young ,strong firemen in my kitchen and Flo managed it in one lunchbreak. Yes today as I was modrocing( there’s a silent K after the c ) with my Y9’s, Florence was cooking up a gourmet lunch of cheese on toast when whoosh , the kitchen’s on fire , one 999 call later and half of blue watch are trapsing through our kitchen. No harm’s down ( except to my fantasy ) and Flo even managed to eat her lunch and catch the end of ‘loose Women”.

Twinkle Twinkle

Now, when you look up at the sky , you can think of Rosie. Today ,we received our Certificate, telling us that The Rosie Dwyer Star is in The Constellation of Lynx.

For those of you with access to a huge telescope ( Georgina ,be proud of me , I resisted the opportunity ), the co ordinates are…..

Right Ascension 6h 58m 09s

Declination 50 degrees 24′ 32″

Distance 170.8 light years

This star , has been adopted , for us by Sally in new Zealand. It is a wonderful gift for us all to share- a huge thank you to her.

First day at school

I received the following email today from Augustine, the Executive director of Ace in Kenya. It reduced me to tears knowing that Rosie’s project was off the ground. I thank everyone who has fundraised and donated. Please share this email with your friends and family who have supported this charity . I am thrilled to know the money is going directly to teach these wonderful children , hopefully giving them a path to a sustainable future………….

Dear Rachel and John,

I hope you are both well. I have been down with malaria but I am mow back in the office.

I wrote to you a brief report in January as to the steps we were taking to ensure the art and scholastic support project at Southend Academy takes off. I am working on a reporting format which I will come back to you with, but for now, the update is as follows:

· Interviews for the position was done on 18 January 2010. 5 people were interviewed

· Brenda Owano who has been teaching at a school in Nairobi, was recruited to take up the post of an art and craft teacher.

· Brenda starts work today Monday 25 January 2010. As with staff recruited by Ace Africa, Brenda will undergo a one-week intensive orientation during which she will learn about

– ACE Africa

– South end Academy and the sponsored Children

– The origin of the project and its objectives and expectations

– Rosie Dwyer blogsite

– Classes and timetabling

– Reporting etc.

The orientation is being conducted by Kevin, Our senior accountant, Anthony Okoti, project manager and Mr. Mabonga, the school’s Director. I will send your more information and photos before the end of the week.

Thank you and have a nice day,

Augustine

A Draw

Your 2 film critics have a divided view about ”Up in the Air”. Sarah thought it was good , but then she was slightly swayed by her love of George Clooney , I thought it was OK and would have worked better had it been a musical with Alan Carr as the lead.

However we both agreed the burgers , chips and garlic mayo at GBK are amazing. Joe , we thought of you and left our waitress ( who asked twice ,how we were today and looked thoroughly bored ) a whopping tip. meanwhile the boys were just down the road watching London Irish v. Lemster…I bet ther burger wasn’t as good ( but the beers were more plentiful )

Could he have been ?

What a treat, 2 of my favourite men together last night- did you see Alan Carr on Jonathan Ross ? Alan started talking about how he finit hard to write for stand-up and gets gets some of his material from his trips on ‘The Night Bus’. Stu, he wasn’t ‘yellow Shirt’ was he ?

Grandma’s on the move

Adam, good idea , where do you propose we sit Grandma – entrance hall to Central St Martins sound OK ?

Lorna and Helenka, I agree the photos Bert chooses are fabulous. The big one was taken , one April , on the statue , on the top of the hill , between the 2 beaches in Tenby . The very same place Rosie ate her ’99’ , asked Jacob for a lick of his and then ate his flake he’d been saving til last ! No tears there ?? I’m not sure who took the 2nd photo . was is Florence ( it’s not that I CBA to ask her , but she’s out ) ? Then the photo of Rosie in the Richmond Tunnel , was taken by Jacob at about 6am – hence the head down , hands in pockets. I ADORE that photo, but sadly , find it very hard to look at . It sounds silly , but it is so Rosie and I want her so much, it is just too painful and sad.

You’ll be pleased to know the meeting went well last night. Brigstock will close in May and all the inmates ( as Billy one of the residents calls them – mind you he did the crack the same joke about 5x – he pointed at me and said ”mind you ,you’re the lucky one ,you’re going to Holloway ”) are moving to ‘Addington Heights’. It is bittersweet- I have no doubt the new place will be fab . Big rooms , en suite shower rooms, nursing care – so people won’t have to move out when they need that sort of care, Grandma won’t be able to keep out of the multigym and they are employing an activites organiser. But it is so far away. One resident is 97 , her daughter is her 70’s ( I’ll be honest , I got confused when she started asking about getting there on Tramlink, as I thought she was on the 2nd floor , and it was a bit mean of Croydon Council to make the residents move themselves ) and it is doubtful she’ll be able to visit her Mum. The mood lightened somewhat ,when the floor was thrown open to questions, Billy asked if he could buy an electric wheelchair…of course , then he explained he hasn’t had one since he was arrested by the police for being drunk and disorderly on it ! Thats the new paintwork sorted then.

All Brigstock names have been changed to avoid litigation.

start making your placards

Been blown out by my counsellor plus the 2 friends I was meeting for lunch at Pembroke Lodge are poorly , so desperate measures , I’ll go for a swim . Then off to Brigstock for a 7pm meeting re: its closure . I’m a bit ( understatement ) hacked off that Croydon Council are re-siting it the other side of Croydon , which means less of Grandmama’s friends will visit, which was the main reason she stayed in Brigstock , as opposed to come over this way .

Natalie has noticed Ivana’s earlobes – shouldn’t they all be booted out soon ?

Did you know there are no Nat Wests or RBS in Istanbul ?

It was like the ‘Cuban missile crisis’ electronically between Jacob and me yesterday. I won’t bore you with the details , but it involved a lost cashpoint card, a film and some dolphins. The bad news is the lost cpc , the good news is that Jacob has at long last spotted the much talked about , but much less spotted ‘Bosphorous dolphins ‘.( not a baseball team – but the real thing ).The inbetween news , he might get a label as the local peeping tom , but I’ll let him tell that story.

also he sent me a link to a film he’d been watching

http://www.ubu.com/film/relational.html you might like to click on it , it’s the title that counts.

Nothing much happened today

Are we the only household that watches Celeb BB ? By household ,I mean Flo and me. John’s always busy and it hasn’t yet reached Istanbul National TV. I’ve only just begun to remember their names ( except Stephanie and Vinnie ) and they are being voted off. Whats going on with Ivana’s earlobes ?

All quiet on the SK front – not.

This afternoon , I felt like , and no doubt looked like, Alex kingston in a later edition of ER. But where was my little George Clooney when I needed him ? …..Wearing his marigolds ( and some clothes ) and up to his elbows in washing up. At soup kitchen this afternoon , it was all gong swimmingly. The menu included jacket pots, cheese and beans, soup ( an obvious one ) , sandwiches, choccie biscuits, apples , oranges and bananas. Most visitors had been served ,I was stting and chatting to the lovely G***********K, who was telling me about his debilitating mood swings and how he has his violent temper under control when someone walked in with his gatecrashing dog. Another diner thought it might be fun to stick his face right by the dogs mouth . the dog wasn’t quite so impressed and so snapped his jaw shut just over the mans eye. This resulted in lots of blood, me phoning 999 and 2 ambulances and a police car arriving in about 8minutes.

So we got through another Sunday without a major incident ?!

Hope Izzy’s heatings back on

Sorry , forgot to mention , Izzy P came round for afternoon tea *,yesterday, and told us poor Ann had had an arguement with an icy pavement – and the pavement won. I have absolutely no doubt that Stu hasn’t taken her nurses uniform off since the day of the disagreement.

* I feel it constituted being called afternoon tea, even though we had coffee, as i made a banana cake , recipe from Rosie’s ‘ cakes and cookies recipes for under 8’s ( years not dress size ), plus the bananas had gone black – I still buy them even though Rosie was the only one who ate them – well half of them , I’usually find the other half stuffed down the side of the settee .

Anyone for……………..

Just off to point my toes. John has just triumphed against Sarah, Richard and I in a game of contract whist – yippee.I’m thrilled for him.

Hampton Court yesterday , looked less like a royal palace and more like 1 of ‘Boris’s new eco friendly affordable homes building sites. So we shot past the entrance into ye olde Tudor coffee shop ( built 2004 ), round the back,past the Tudor tennis court onto the river path and into John Lewis’s .

Helen C. what other books do you recommend ? Have you read Music and Silence by Rose Tremain – one of my all time international faves?

Go see it

When someone you love so so so so much dies, the fallout is exhausting. As I have said before , I take Rosie everywhere I go and whoever I am with or wherever I am , she is there too. I have found that my best coping mechanisms are – being with people I love dearly, being with people I feel emotionally secure with ( that talk about Rosie and our grief ), being with Rosies friends ( this is like a venn diagram – they can fall in the first 2 catagories ), being with people who have don’t see my baggage ( my students, old dears at Brigstock, people at the soup kitchen etc etc.) gay musicals, straight musicals, laughing, walking, being in beautiful places, games, more games, painting, cooking,and even sometimes, reading.

So , these couple of days should tick alot of those boxes. After Brigstock yesterday, Sarah and I went to eat , drink and see ‘Sweet charity’ – it was amazing .Tamsin Outhwaite was sensational, forget her in Eastenders , she can sing , dance act, make you laugh , cry , etc. After a couple or R&C’s post production, with the cast…OK so not actually with them , but sitting on a settee and gawping at them , we were the last to leave the theatre and had missed the last tube home !

Then today ,Mandy and I are off to Hampton Court, which is spookily thematic as I have just finnished reading ‘Dissolution’ by CJ Sanson ( 463 pages – progress eh ? )and have just started’The other Boleyn girl’ by Phillippa Gregory.

Sad news , Grandmas table companion , Arthur, died earlier this week . As he would say ”Bu**er” !

Is it snowing where you are ?

A funny sort of day . I walked to work in thick snow , looking like a cross between someone going to the North Pole and Eddie the Eagle Edwards. Yes to the hilarity of everyone at work , Iconquered Hanwell with the aid of my walking pole . When Iwalked past some girls at the bus stop , they were wearing their little Jimmy Choos (AKA Primark ) and they all looked more stable than me !

Anyone seen the film ‘Nine’. I don’t think it’s the Turkish one Jacob went to see on Sunday night , 2 hours and NO subtitles – he deserved the huge chocolate cake his friend bought him afterwards by way of an apology

Reach for the sky

Adam is it called a dictionary ? I’m going to have to get a little one ( that i can slip in my pocket, and use to cheat when i go to the ladiesroom ).

John and I have just got in from drinkies with Juliet ( ACE) and Andy (THAME – thats not a charity or what Ali’s trying to do to him , but where he lives ) in a lovely wine bar in Victoria. Juliet and 15 others climbed Mount Kilimanjaro for ACE, raising about £25,000- amazing. Her photographs looked fantastic , being above the clouds and seeing the sunsets …I was almost tempted to put my name down for the next trip , til I realised I couldn’t get the time off work.

I’m not bitter or anything

John and Jacob , just for the record Jus and Vail are both proper words , but, the one i’m most annoyed about is xero , which ,if you 2 had allowed it , would have got me 39 points. And Jacob, we weren’t playing in germany , so we right to disallow Farter.

We’ve returned from Asia ( no joke )

Nearly didn’t make it to Istanbul , I didn’t realise Emerson Fittipaldi was driving for our local mini-cab company. When we left our house in the early hours of Thursday morning, we could barely stand up on the snow and ice – obviously our cab driver thought differently and got us to Boston Manor tube in less than 2 mins ! Hearthrow T5 was crazy, wall to wall people with a 5hour queueing time to check bags in , as our flight left in 90mins ,i blagged my way to the front and was sitting in Gordon Ramsays having a continental ( breakfast not waiter ) in less time than it took our mini cab driver to Lidls in Hanwell. The plane had trouble taking off as the steps were iced to the side. I reckon we should have just gone for it and ditched them somewhere over Croydon Council offices ( don’t ask ). Anyway back to Istanbul………………….I am now going to practice my brain gym on you. For 55weeks i haven’t been able to think straight and forget what i have done , so , this is a little test on myself:-

Landed, cab to our hotel ,after an hour and a fab view from a suspension bridge over The Bosphorous , we saw a sign ”You are now in Asia” we checked in to our hotel and wended our way to Jacob’s pad . After about 20 back doubles ,His instructions said climb the stairs to the 2nd foor and there will be a blue hat outside the door …nearly missed it cos it was in fact a red hat with ‘this is a blue hat ‘ sign stuck to it – surreal. Well sadly our little soldier was under the weather , but after a trip to the Docs ( spookily called Jacob ) at Istanbul General ( I made that name up ), with his translator, flatmate and friend, Deniz, he is sorted , with an array of medication ( which invoves NO shisha or alcohol ). Apolojies ,I realise the brain gyms gone AWOL, so here we go…………

Friday dins, kebabs, tabla ,tabla, draughts , draughts, John sulking cos he lost all 4 games. Friday , hospital, cleaning ( thats John and I de dusting the flat , an Austrian girl came to the view the flat and commented on what good staff we were ! ), Deniz and Panache’s ( Deniz’s girlfriend ) cooked brekkie, long walk by the sea, found amazing hidden beach bar on the sand, dominoes, dominoes,John still sulking , AMAZING mezze, walk to tabla bar , tabla, introduce Jacob to scrabble , John wins ( thank god- smile returns to his face ). Saturday, boat to Europe, cruise up The Bosphorous, last stop on Asian side , 6km before we meet the Black Sea, Anadolu Kavagi ( get your google images out ), steep climb to fortress at the top – decide I won’t bother climbing Mount kilimanjaro this year, climb down, bbq mussels, miss ferry, coffee and scrabble. get next ferry to Sanyer in Europe, walk, quayside drinkies, dominoes, bus to istanbul, kebabs, scrabble – Jacob wins, hurrah. Then today , we all go for a run ( except me ) , scrabble, goodbyes, airport , home, celebrity BB.

Just 1 question – is ‘jus’ a word allowed in scrabble ?

Rosie’s choices

Just heard – Chris Farlow, Out of time. I love that song . Rosie had good taste ( but I haven’t heard anything from Shrek 1 yet )

Please NO more snow

You have all failed me , the snows a coming and a coming, so to make up for it , go and offer your services to clear the runway at T5 Heathrow …and no tampering with our luggage, it’ll probably be wending its way to Venice without anyones help. Haven’t heard from AF today , so fingers crossed he’s feeling a little better and his temps come down.

John and I have been excluded from school, as has half the population of Ealing – the other half ,including Flo , struggled in, had 2 lessons ( and a cappa in ‘The Cuckoo’ ? ) and struggled out again. Realising I couldn’t be on my own for longer than 7minutes , I had coffee with Lorna- it’s good to talk…and talk…and talk.

Now it’s domestic bliss chez Dwyers , Florence paints at her easel, while I tippy type away, both listening to Bon Iver , Bob Dylan, Lykke Li, D Ream etc- all from Rosie’s ipod ( Flo made me take my soundtrack of Shrek 1 ,off ). John has gone crazy and cycled to the gym – thats not normal is it ?

Techno goes crazy

I’m asking you all do do a little anti-snow dance tonight. Your little ritual can take any form it likes- dancing naked around your Christmas tree ( particularly seasonal as its soon for the chop ) / rubbing raw garlic on your gums / burning a £1 vanilla scented Ikea ( pretending to be Jo Malone one , even though they cost £31 ) candle you had in your stocking. The reason being we are flying off to Istanbul on Thursday to see our poorly little tin soldier and we don’t want our plane to be delayed or grounded. Jacob is resting, rehydrating and dosing himself up for the big Tabla Challenge . All send him lots of cyber love.

Did some training on the sound beam today , it is fab . It looks like a microphone , but directs a sound beam onto someone and so when they make the tiniest of movements ( even a blink ) they create music. So the most disabled of people can make their own music.For once in their life they have something they can control , equally they can choose not to make sounds . So , put 8 members of staff in a sensory room , give them a piece of technical , musical, loud , fun equipment , 100 choices of tempo and you have a banker….hilarious results !

Who Dun It ?

Like a lot of you, I’m back at the ranch , and on my lunch break – God it was hard to get up this morning good job John made the porridge.

Stu thrashed us at Cluedo last night , winning both games . In the 2nd game I’d only just sussed the weapon , when she made her accusation. Mind you , it has all changed. Out have gone those iconic beautiful shaped suspect pieces, Miss Scarlett, Prof Plum etc, and in have come stupid rectangles of plastic on the relevant coloured bases – so you can no longer pick the suspect up , round their neck with the spanner ,the rope or the lead piping.There are now 9 implements incl the dumbells and the poison and as for the rooms ,its gone crazy – the patio/observatory ( I think thats a mistake and someone left the CN off )/the theatre/ the spa etc etc . It all sounds like something out of ‘Hello’. And I haven’t even started on the new ‘Clock cards’, ‘Intrigue cards’ ‘Personality cards’. You know longer make accusations, but start a rumour .It took us half the night to read the new rules and even longer to get it right after Flo had hidden 4 of the cards under Susie’s Turkish Delight !

Girls on Film

I have just lost it in Ealing Broadway Snappy Snaps. I took 3 disposable cameras in, which I’d found lying around in Jacob and Rosie’s rooms. On picking up the photos an hour later , the girl asked if they were mine and pulled one photo out to show me. Unfortunately it wasn’t one from Jacob’s pack of arty farty shots down by the canal…OR one of Jacob’s shots of Henry , his brother ( I’m guessing – looks the spit of him ) and Alex, taken in Berlin ….BUT a happy happy shot of Stu and Rosie beaming back at me. It took my breath away. I dissolved in pieces , and the poor ‘Snappy Snaps’ girl , said can I give you a hug and shot round the counter to hold me up ? Not easy when the other Snappy Snaps guy was attempting to photograph 3 week old Ava for her passport . If you know EB Snappy Snaps – it’s no bigger than a garden shed. By the end of my mini- breakdown , we were all best friends and they knew all about Rosie !

So , Amy, Anna, Madeleine and Stu , I have the famous photos of ”the day we went to visit Brighton Uni but never quite made it” as captured on film ,by Amy, and seen by hundreds at Rosie’s exhibition. Sadly , I was too tight to pay for 3 unknown films to be stored on CD , but now I know what this one is I’ll do the honours.

Stizzy are coming for the big Cluedo challenge tonight …so i’m off to tippex my name on Miss Scarlett.

Positive thoughts for Arthur please

Today I went to see Grandmama( who wasn’t up to going out for lunch , so I did a drive throu’ Maccie D’s, even going exotic and buying onion rings – don’t bother , they reminded me of the tube I put round my vacuum cleaner bag ) and there is some sad news from Brigstock Manor. Arthur the lovely 92yr old gentleman , who shares Ma’s dining room table and always holds her hand when she lets go of her rollator ( a very dodgy moment ), has had a stroke and is in hospital. For 2 weeks he lost all his speech , but the good news is he has regained some – well 1 word….”bugger”. That sums it all up really.

”Its not about the bike”

Thank you for comments (4 ) – all your words were lovely.

John and I exceeded our self governed curfew of 00.10 last night and got in at 02.10 after a lovely a ‘not the new years eve dinner party’. No-one looked at the clock, no one kissed , sang auld lang syne( sp. ? ) or showed off what they had under their kilt ( although John tried a couple of times ). we just ate , drank, talked about Rosie, laughed, played ‘Absolute balderdash- with spinner’ and felt very loved and protected with Mandy and Chris.

Florence , on the other hand , got in at 5.30 and Jacob when we skyped him at 11am ( 1pm in istanbul ) hadn’t been to bed at all , and had partied with his pals including kate and liam who had cycled there fom Vienna ( actually that last bits a lie, BUT they did cycle from The UK to Vienna – honest ).

31.12.09

Thank you to everyone who has read this blog over the past year, and an even bigger thank you for those of you have submitted an entry. It lifts my heavy heart a little when I see ‘comments ( 1 )’. I write this drivel for one reason only – I love Rosie.

This year has gone by in a haze. I have trouble remembering stuff , listening to people, being by myself , being with people, sleeping, waking , writing , shopping , thinking, laughing, talking, reading, the list goes on . So I apolojise if I appear rude, distant , ungrateful- I don’t mean to be , but my head and heart are elsewhere. It is a year and 10days since I held , touched , smelled , kissed , listened to ,talked to ,cuddled, walked with, laughed with one of the most beautiful people in the whole wide world and to think that I will never do these again is unbearable. My heart is broken.

So please continue to look at her website. I cannot bear the thought of Rosie being forgotton. So from me and the 3 people that I love so so so much , John, Jacob and Florence , we wish you a happy and healthy 2010.

This panto came with a warning *

I had 2 email responses ,both saying how beautiful they thought Carol Ann Duffy ( isn’t she the first female poet laureate? )’s poem’December ‘ is …and both from friends called Stephanie- is that a literary coincidence ?

Have just returned from our Christmas treat from and with Sarah and Richard ‘Sinderfella’- not Sarah’s pet name for Richard , but an adult gay pantomime, the best distraction therapy a grieving parent could ever ask for ( especially when Sarah was pulled on stage to dance with the whole cast ).

* On the programme — this is an adult pantomime and is NOT suitable for children, the faint hearted or persons of a prudish nature ( I think thats next years Christmas trip for Brigstock Manor sorted then )

I hope you like this

Please bear with me , this blog isn’t turning into one of those’ a poem a day ‘type desk calenders . In fact I am a hethan with anything to do with poetry or English Lit. – at the age of 14 having been forced to read Northanger Abbey and Julius Caesar for 2 years rote fashion with no pleasure factor thrown in , I had all love of the subject , bored out of me. ( can’t even keep up with Middlemarch on the TV ). However Jacob and Rosie both got A’s in English Lit and Florence loves poetry …and John knows all the words to ‘The fields of Athenry’. On the morning of the 21st Dec.08 Florence read Thomas Hardy poems to Rosie. who kept the book by her bed. Anyway , today I went out for a lovely walk in the pouring rain , with Emma, to Kew Gardens- there were more people in the shop and the cafe than the whole of the gardens. Emma gave me a beautiful book ‘The Twelve Poems of Christmas’ and this poem made me think of Rosie

December Carol Ann Duffy

The year dwindles and glows to December’s red jewel,my birth month.

The sky blushes’and lays its cheek on the sparkling fields.

The dusk swaddles the cattle, their silhouettes simple as faith.

These nights are gifts, our hands unwrapping the darkness to see what we have.

the train rushes, ecstatic,to where you are, my bright star.

AF hits the Gelata Tower

Jacob cooched up with Hannah and Susie last night , so no need for the ‘hungry and homeless’ sign I’d made him. No doubt he’s had his first kebab/baclava ( a pastry ,not the hat I knitted for him )/game of tabla/Efes etc etc. Meanwhile, back at the ranch , Georgina left home, Florence , then Izzy, then Stu , then Moi were declared bankrupt while Natalie bcame rich and threw us out of our homes- yes you’ve guessed correctly we were playing Monopoly. We were so engrossed we didn’t notice we’d demolished ( no not Natalies hotels on the yellow ones – Coventry Street, leicester Square etc ) but a whole tin of choccies and a bottle of tequila ( a la sunrise ) .

Today we reinacted the dualthon cycling and running. John , Bob and Richard cycled to , and around Richmond park , while Sarah and I drove round in the ‘support vehicle’ stopping off for a bracing walk around Isabella Plantation ( where Rosie fell off the stepping stones into the pond ), Pens Ponds and through the woods and the coffee and Victoria sandwich Cake in pembroke Lodge. Okay so there was no running , but we walked pretty quickly when a huge Alsation got too close

DIY this afternoon – yawn.

Missing him already

As I type , Jacob is boarding the 16.20 at T5 Heathrow ,to Istanbul. No he’s not returning more books , but going back to Uni(?) there. When he lands , he is homeless, its raining ( he would NOT borrow my waterproof ) and he’s wearing converse….and some clothes . So ,a big Aah and fingers crossed he’s safe and sound.

Dec 25th

I hope you all had a lovely christmas day .

We had a surreal morning at Brigstock Manor. the 5 of us were crammed into Grandmama’s room when we heard the sound of Santa’s sleighbells – sounding remarkably like the cowbell that Grandma keeps by her bed , that she used when we were children and playing outside, she would ring to summon us in for tea – and which had mysteriously gone missing ! Well Santa ariived looking rather familiar ( like the lovely Louis, the 2nd floor , 40yr old Nigerian cleaner wearing a santa costume at least 4 sizes too small , with a repetoire of Yo ho ho yo ho ho yo ho ho ), ,he tripped over Ma’s rollator and nearly landed on john’s lap. santa was surrounded by his elves – brigstock staff alll wearing red . The residents lunch is another story……..

Sarah cooked a ( in the words of Craig revell hall ) FAB- U -Lous lunch and we were looked after by the Clarkes. we all played the stick your name on your head and guess who you are ( 3X ) . the sarah, flo and i slaughtered the others at cranium . we felt very loved and cared for and safe .rosie was in our heads ALL the time.

Its hard thinking back ….. on Boxing day up until last year we went outdoor swimming at hampton open air pool . The mens hi light was seeing james Cracknell in the shower , the womens was watching me squeeze my head into my red rouched, 60’s swimming hat . How happy ( and cold ) we all were.

Today i want you all to think of my friend Nim Foy. On the 26th Dec 2004 , she was holidaying on the beach in Thailand with her husband John and her 3 children Robert,David and Kate . The tsunami struck and only Nim survived.On the 26th Dec a year before , her daughter Kate, aged 6 wrote this poem…..

If tomorrow will never rise Will the light of the moon shine upon the world

If tomorrow will never rise In the moon light up there, it lays the face above the sky

If tomorrow will never rise Up there you see the moon is shining right at you

If tomorrow will never rise

Enjoy your day

I hope all of you under the age of 22 , are back safe and sound from The Drayton/your local equivalent/Chicken Spot/fantastic chicken and pizza for less than 20p etc etc ( ALL haunts of Rosie’s ). Anyone over the age of 22 and have done any of the above , should be ashamed of themselves, and I’ll be sending them a ‘Saga’ mini-breaks brochure in the post. NOW , get up and be nice to your parents , and at one point in the day ,stop , and have a little chat with Rosie.

Games and Rosie’s friends are a great distraction

If you click onto ‘We Cluster and We Stick ‘ you can now see the pictures from Rosie’s exhibition, they are amazing and beautiful and SO Rosie- I love them .

We had a very special Christmas Present this morning , a portrait of Rosie, painted by Hazel Kyle- it is beautiful , we were all very moved by the warmth of it.

AF has returned to the fold , safe and sound via The Baltic ( an art gallery , not the sea )Newcastle Airport, Newcastle Kebab Hut, Newcastle Station, kings Cross, The plough , The Fletchers, a ladder from our back garden up to Flo’s bedroom ( a tried and trusted method of Rosie’s when she’d forgotton her keys ). He was tucked up in bed at 3.40am , clutching his new library books!

Today ,John was working , so i promised to take Jacob and Florence to a gallery and out to lunch . but ….The Whitechapel/Mueum of Everything?both Tates/Hayward/V&A ?Nat history/ Kew Gardens were all closed . So we settled for a Torville and Dean style walk down the canal to Brentford , late lunch in Prezzo, same treacherous walk back and a game of Cluedo with Izzy,Nikki and Stu. Sadly we couldn’t find Cluedo and so made do with ‘Humbug’ , a jar of banderillos, a a few beers and a box of Terri’s chocolate orange segments,, with what the Admen would say,”hilarious results’.

the missing boy

Izzy, was he carrying a large bags full of books/was he wearing his ‘happy Junior Airmiles flier badge’/did he have a Geordie accent ?

I’m suspicious now , did he really go ?

A lateral thinking test

Can anyone tell me why…..Jacob got up at 5pm , left the house at 5.40am and has just txted to say he might not be back this side of Christmas ??

Answer: to take his library books back( of course ).

On Monday he announced he had to get his books back to Newcastle Uni library. He has renewed them 19x this year ( might help if he read them ) and there would be hefty fines if they weren’t back by 16.45 today, when the library closes for 3 weeks . So I wopped my airmiles no. into the PC and got him a return flight for nought. This afternoon all was going swimmingly, I was sharing a carluccios starter thingey platter( can’t get enough of their caponata – I tried to make it once but it was more like ratatouille without the rat ) and a bottle of chilled Prosecco , when BA called me to say Jacob’s return flight had been cancelled. Because it was too cold to go outside ,the whole of Carluccios was then subjected to me telling Jacob to hotfoot it to the airport to see if he could get on an earlier flight.What a surprise, Jacob’s battery was low , so i thought if i shouted he’d hear me better. The last txt i got from him was from the airport where they’d given him train vouchers……………………..

Phew

Georgie thank God for that , I would have looked such a fool – Lilly Allen and I made a pact to give up all forms of social networking . ( this only makes sense if you read your tabloids ).

Please delete me , let me go

Terri , lovely thoughts /words/actions.

I think I’ve made a cyberspace booboo. I was googling someone I wanted to get in touch with and her facebook page came up, I clicked a few buttons and now people are asking if I want to be their friend. I haven’t a clue as to whats going on , and to be honest one of my junior school friends contacted Florence to get to me and that freaked me out ( I never did give her back her ‘Ice skating Barbie’ – will that appear on my CRB check ? ). I guess all the friends I want , i can text and I cannot bear the thought of any photo of me ( pre or post a custodial sentence ) plastered on a ‘friends’ computer screen with a tag running ccross my prominent attributes !

21.12.09

Thank you to everyone who has visited or sent cards, flowers, bushes , poems , txts, emails etc. It helps to know that people are thinking of Rosie .We’ve done nothing but think of Rosie and i’m reliving ( in my head ) everything that happened on this day 1 year ago. I look for answers, I question everything , and I come to the same conclusion – she was so so so unlucky and there are no answers as to ‘why ? ‘ – the same conclusion I came to when Jane died ,except with Jane , I questioned why she had to suffer so much .That doesn’t mean to say I’ll stop asking , I’ll question…… life/A belief system/the universe /luck/fate etc etc , til the day I die – so be prepared to put up with a very distracted/scared /unhappy/happy/heartbroken Rachel. Sally Tye, a friend in NZ has just emailed to say she has adopted a star in Rosie’s name , that can be seen from London . So when she sends me the co-ordinates , I’ll let you all know and you can get your hands round a big telescope ( any excuse ) ..and have a look.

Today ,we have done what Rosie liked best ( No , not go to White Heat – that would be 1 step too far ), but gone out for a lovely sharey Italian lunch and then this evening some of Rosie’s friends are coming for supper and games and maybe a drink or 2. They are invited for 6.30 , so what time do you put your money on Stolly arriving ? I’ll start the bidding on 7.22pm !

XXX

Thanks Bert for changing the photos. the one with Rosie and the fruit was taken at a roadside stall in Sri Lanka, August 2006 – God how she loved that fruit. The painting on the home page is by Holly , and the painting of Rosie wrapped in clingfilm ,filled with paint is by Joe. I remember the day she did that , not a drop of paint touched any of the kitchen surfaces ( joke – we were eating the dam stuff for weeks ! )

We have spent the day with the people who were with Rosie when she died . I’m glad there were 10 of us around her , talking to her,holding her and kissing her . She was and is SO loved and I’m glad we could all show it. It was not a private moment , but a time of goodbyes , love and warmth – not many people have that. This morning we saw Bob and Claire , then this afternoon we had a fabulous walk in Rosie’s Woods with Sarah,Richard, Michael , Georgie and Natalie. The woods were beautiful , covered in snow, so different from 6months ago , when we played 40/40/rounders/skipping etc. We then had a slap up meal in the pub and back here for ‘Balderdash’ and post dins drinkies. Rosie was with us every step of the way .

It is now the 21st December.

Why ?

I’m finding it hard to settle to anything at the moment , as this weekend, a year ago, was the last we had with Rosie. The Christmas Tree was up, John was paving the front garden , Jacob went up to Manchester ( ? ) for a gig and Flo and I were pottering …in and out of the front room , to be with Rosie, who was lying on the settee as she had the flu. Izzy,Stu and Holly had been to see her the night before and Georgie on Thurs night – when Rosie even considered going to Alex Jukes Curry night. It all seems a whisker away, where has this year gone ? I yearn for ‘normal’ days, such as those,with Rosie in the house .Tonight is the final of ‘Strictly’ – the last programme i watched with Rosie. She is right behind me willing Ricky on.

Me and Chaz!!

It has been 3 days of some very mixed emotions.

We are so pleased to have held the exhibition for Rosie as we are so incredibly proud of her and it was good way for us to express our love. For everyone that was able to attend ( and there were hundreds) Thank You for making it such a special occasion. I felt really sad locking up the Triangle for the last time. In a way it was like saying good bye to Rosie again.

We were very pleased that Charles Saatchi attended the exhibition yesterday, particularly as he rarely attends functions. Even more remarkably he was suffering from the flu and had got out of his sick bed and was heading back there after seeing the exhibition. He was genuinely very impressed with the quality of all works and very moved by the way so many people had expressed and shared their feelings for Rosie. He particularly liked the Charity Shop piece by Florence (praise indeed) and he said the two large portraits were a great idea and looked superb. Of course I told him that Rachel would be disappointed not to have met him , so he has invited us to his office at his gallery.

Take care

John

I’m scared about driving in the snow.

These have been 3 days to remember . a real celebration of Rosie, her friends/family/creativity/love of Chelsea/warmth/humour/snakebites/cheese/sitting in a circle on the floor /laughter/tears/photos /jumping shots/etc etc. a huge thank you to EVERYONE who came to share and celebrate my wonderful daughter ( and yes i do know, she was no saint , but pretty dam close to being a perfect lovely, genuine, happy ,caring, funny, scatty,warm person ). I spent the last 3 days in The Triangle Space at Chelsea , all bar 10-12 this morning and 4-6 this afternoon , when I took Grandmama to and from Brigstock/Chelsea…..Chelsea/Brigstock. It was in my afternoons absence that Charles Saatchi turned up to see Rosie’s exhibition. I invited him ages ago , and he said he’d come and he did , we are thrilled , the more people who can celebrate Rosie the better.

We met the Dean today .

I’m pooped..just off to point my toes. Today was lovely and busy and positive and sad. Thanks to EVERYONE who came to Rosie’s exhibition. John shot of there early on his scooter , meanwhile Jacob, Flo and I drove down to Northfields station. On the way , Jacob spotted a man lying in the road , so……we pulled in , and did our First Aid ( ie ignored everything i’d done on my course , stood him up and got him to walk , supported by us ). we managed to get 95yr old Terry home, open his frontdoor, settle him down , make him drink hot sweet tea ( seen that on casualty )and call his daughter, who came over… then we shot off to Chelsea.Rosie would have LOVED today , she should be here – it’s all wrong.

Thanks for the Radio London link , i don’t think my cringeometer will let me listen to it at the moment.

last chance to come to the exhibition tomo xx

A day to remember

Thank you to all the artistes , their families, and our friends who came to Rosie’s exhibition today , it has been an amzing 13hours. Some people came from afar afield as Spain , France, Jersey,Work, Manchester, Birmingham and a couple even made it from Acton . The atmoshere was positive and full of love for Rosie and awe at the artwork – esp that little painting of Rosie’s bedroom ( orders taken for offers over £7.32 ). Thanks too for all the fab retro food ( except for that tight sod who bought the Sainsburies ‘value’ mega sausage roll pack. ). there is loads of Brie left so get yourself a baguette , a jar of your finest pickes and come on down for a French feast – we can even provide the red vino.

PS. has Stu recovered from her firemans lift?

Hi Ho

Team Dwyer ( Andrew’s on board) have set off for Chelsea to meet and greet the scaffolders. , clean the floor and put up the rest of the stuff . I’m off to work – My head is going slightly crazy , so seeing my lovely students will be a good thing .

An action packed day

We’ve just got in from Chelsea and its looking good. The 2 big pieces don’t go up til monday ,when the scaffolders arrive – then it will look AMAZING. For Rosie , we want as many people as possible to attend , so please tell ALL you friends and family and encourage them to come. Sadly , my Brother Richard and his wife Lise can’t come cos of medical reasons ….which is very sad for me , plus poses the problem of who is going to bring Grandmama….any offers ? A huge thank you to Bob , who helped us all day and to Steve at work for helping me with the horrible job of taking the seats out the mini bus.

Next week is a HUGE celebration of Rosie – her creativity, family and friends, but it is also the last week with had with her , a year ago . So ,I just want to apolojise now , if there atre times I am not with it or just very very sad. Stick with me

I have just sorted out all the ‘stockings’ for Jacob, Rosie and Florence 2008. Another hard thing to do. I think most of it ‘ll go back on The Brigstock manor Christmas Tombola – so at least some people are better off . God knows what they’ll do with a lurex thong ) a joke present from Primark ! )

3 days to go

No. 106 resembles something along the lines of Steptoes Yayd/Tate modern/Wickes/Pickfords and the 99p store. Yes we are getting ready for Rosie’s exhibition. There is so much stoff to take to Chelsea ….and thats just the packed lunch !

All those coming on Tuesday Eve ( not those coming on the train, boat or plane from far flung corners of the globe ) , don’t forget you plate of retro food to share and if anyone fancies baking some cup cakes , bring them along too.( very trendy )

Thank you

Twenty years ago today , I was lying in Queen Charlottes Hospital , so dam happy. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was having had a heallthy baby boy 19months previously and then ..a healthy baby girl ( although she never stopped screaming ) and she gave us 19years , 12days of sheer unerdulterated happiness, I thank her to the end of the world for that.

Yesterday was hard, just so sad and so wrong. I thank friends, family and colleagues for their flowers ,cards , pimms,words, bread, chocs, Rosie’s recipe box, food,tapas, emails, fizz, vino and I was very touched that Helenka lit a candle for Rosie in Manchester Cathedral and it was lovely to talk to Izzy and Nikki in Leicester. It warms my heart that Rosie meant so much to so many. It was wonderful to have Jacob home even though he beat me in ‘The game with no name ‘ and to be surrounded by the love of John, Jacob and Florence and some of Rosie’s closest friends.

I think she lost the first knob ,5mins into getting it !

Holly, we do have Rosie’a digi …with half the knobs fallen off. I think Flo has it , ask her tomo. I’ll show you ALL the disposable cameras I can find – we could line them up and have an identity parade !

Now start singing , to the tune of ”3 lions on your shirt” ……………….”He’s coming home,he’s coming home,Jacobs coming home” Yes we’re nearly ready to kill the fatted calf

Bon Jovi’s poor relation ?

OH Amy GB, I love reading stuff like that ( read after Snap happy ), keep those stories coming . Who the hell is Bon Iver ? I guess I’ll be googling him/them/it in a minute- at first I thought it was the name of the new Blue peter dog !

A year ago I was dispatched to buy Pimms ( NOT the naff cinnamon infused winter version ), blinis ,cream cheese and smoked salmon for Rosie’s pre clubbing ,19th Birthday ‘at home’ drinkie party. I thought they’d be about 5 of you , Flo and I were hoping to muscle in on the action, but LOADS , turned up . You all sounded so happy – where did you go onto ? I don’t know why but the one person i remember was Anna S. – i think its cos she was sitting right by the door – am I right ?

For those of you who a) live out of Ealing b) are too tight to fork out 65p , you can see Rosie in The Gazette through the link on ‘We Cluster and we stick’ on this website . xx

Our family

I’m sorry but i’m going to moan ( NO changes there then ). We have had a few Christmas cards already and ……a) how could anybody in their right mind , wish us Happy / Merry Christmas ? The sender might be having one ,and I’m thrilled for them, and I’m sure in our own little way we will have a sad ,yet special time, surrounding ourselves with people who we feel emotionally secure with……b) Rosie still very much exists in our family. It breaks my heart when cards arrive to John,Rachel,Jacob and Florence. with no mention of Rosie. How could anyone wipe Rosie out of our lives just like that ? I will repeat what i said about 11 months ago – she is permanently in our minds, brain, vision.soul. When I am looking at you , I am seeing her too. If I have to do other stuff, like at work, she is behind me , nudging me on and giving me strength. If I glaze over , I am talking to her . my concentration span is very short, I tire easily, if I’m out I want to get home, shops freak me out , I am scared .So, now you are all told -sorry, so get your tippex out…….and re write !

Snap happy

Now we have solved the problem of the purses, we have the problem of the camera. This house is riddled with disposable cameras , all with about 3 photos taken on each one…so, after Christmas , I’ll blow the monthly food budget , and get them all developed. Izzy , whats on ‘that’ camera of Rosie’s. Anything incriminating ? NOT the famous night at Ofsted ? *

Do you hate that saying ‘take a chill-pill’ ? I loathe it . but Flo and I did just that this afternoon , even though we both had stacks to do , we cosied up , sat soft and watched the final of ‘I’m a celeb’ and Saturday’s 2nd ‘strictly’. how on earth did Gino eat that congeeled ,fermented, rubbery, gone-off ducks egg ?

This is a tough time for all of us, we miss ( what a pathetic word-it should read , pine , yearn, long for etc ) Rosie with ALL out hearts and souls. Don’t be fooled by the flippancy, brave faces, attempts to look happy and masks , we are truly broken hearted and although we love each other dearly , life will never be the same again. All we ask for is Rosie.

* I used to wind Rosie up , by calling ‘Offset’ , ‘Ofsted’. How I wish I could still do that , but 50weeks ago today ………………..

A very special find

We have a mini miracle in The Dwyer House this afternoon, no not Florence found the laundry basket, but John found Rosie’s 2 purses. We have gone half crazy looking for them They are sssssssoooooooo Rosie, stuffed to the hilt with rubbish, valuables etc. They are ‘her’. I can’t bring myself to look in them yet . but in time …….Oh yes, they had been put safely ( lets not ask ‘by whom?’ ) in a little compartment in the blanket box tucked away in her bedroom.

John and I are entertaining tonight , this is such a rare occurrence I’ve got to go and have a bath ( can only snooze in the bath , not on dry land ) to recuperate after griddling 4 courgettes !

PS.I am thrilled Gino won – what a lovely man

Hold The front page

But Lorna, we did pass a Greggs a mile back up the road , you know it would have only taken you a couple of minutes to hotfoot back up there……………….

Have you seen the front page of that well known international, best selling ,award-winning, ground breaking , Watergate exposing ( in 1994 there was a man called Mr.Watergate who did expose himself in Lammas park ) , tabloid ”The Ealing and Acton Gazette”. Our gorgeous Rosie, is on the front cover, looking so Goddam happy. Go buy it and tell me what you think ( If there’s a voucher in it for Costa Coffee- remember , cut it out and put it straight in the bin )

2 puzzles

Claire – the answer to that one is – because you’ve been sleeping with him for the past 25years, unless of course he’s swopped places with that new female shot putter in your P.E. department.

And as for ‘Coach trip’ , I knew I’d convert you.”Come Dine with Me” is so 2008 .

A riddle : What do you say to an Oxford Graduate……….or what does Lorna answer when Grandmama and I ask her what she’d like for lunch ??…………………Big mac and large fries please.

Yes Lorna and schlepped over to Brigstock today – it only took 120 mins to do a 17mile journey ( bet you’re feeling smug ,all you ‘out of Londoners’ ) cos the whole of Roehampton Lane and Kingston Vale was closed ( not so smug now , you don’t know what we’re talking about ). You’d be proud of us though , cos although we had to stop and Lorna had to make an emergency dash for 2 Costa ** Coffees, we never had to stop for a Loo stop. Well once at Brigstock, Ma broke the news she was waiting for the Doctor to arrive ( yet again- DON’T ask ). 2 hours later and with Lorna and I suffering from malnutrition , I asked her the question”what would you like for lunch”.and she replied the answer to the above riddle. Grandma opted for The Happy Meal , plus a small bottle of brandy from Tesco’s next door to mix with her MacDonalds Cola. We left Grandma trying to work out what to do with her ‘Star Wars light sabre’ that came in 3 pieces .

** Don’t tell Florence

The casting coach approaches

Does anyone else get a new format to the blog when they log on ? Ours has gone all funny – i’m worried its because people are getting it muddled up with the famous raunchy blogger ”Belle du Jour”. If ever the media approached us to make a TV drama out of this , I doubt if they’d cast Billie Piper – more likely to be Pam Ferris – BUT she was brilliant in Gavin and Stacey .

a new quiz

I guess you’re all feeling sad and lonely on these long winter nights – well not any more . you can cheer yourselves up by looking at the 279 photos on the new ”10k Run photos”. theres a prize going to the first person who can identify the Rosie supporter without a T Shirt who was cheered on by someone in the crowd shouting ” come on you hairy bare chested runner”. ( Clue -it wasn’t me ! ).

Anyone up for doing it next year ? T shirts optional .

Sad news

Adam yours is dry ( and has been removed from the toilet ). That was nothing personal , he left it there to drip ! Anna’s, Holly’s and Stu’s are still a bit tacky ( in the sensory way ). We showed them all to Jacob last night a la Skypey – he love ALL of them and has had the privaledge of seeing Amys via tinternet , he thinks it is amazing.

We have some sad news. our much loved Welsh little cat ,Daisy, died on friday. We all miss her, esp making stupid cooing noises to see whose lap she would chose to sit on .

Tonight BBC3 ( ?) 9pm

It was like ‘The School of Saatchi ‘ at 106 last night. Eight budding YBA’s, round the table , while I adopted the Nigella role ( actually , it was more a Clarissa Dickson Wright ), knocking up a feast , with spinach , feta and a box of Lindors. Adam, Amy, Anna ,Holly, Joe ,Stu and Tom brought round their pieces for Rosie’s exhibition ( 4 of them still wet – the paintings not the artists ) and they are AMAZING – you are in for a treat, so make sure tomo , when you turn your calenders over / change your socks/ eat your first cheap chocolate from your Smurf advent calender from the 99p shop – make sure you have the 15th,16th and 17th December pencilled in .

A turkish feast (?)awaits Rosies pals

I don’t have it for months , and then twice in a weekend – filo pastry. Roy cooked us up a feast last night ,including pork tederloin with apricots, parsely etc in filo pastry , and today I have made Borek ( nothing to do with John serving it wearing his mankini) for all the artistes who are dining with us this evening and bringing their art work for Rosie’s exhibition – can’t wait to see their stuff . John and I are just off to help at The Ealing Soup Kitchen. John’s got his marigolds , just in case he’s on the washing up – I’ll perfect my art of hiding in the toilet when they divvy the jobs out , so i can be waiting on tables and chatting ( i can do as much washing up as i like at home ). AF’s making his way back to Istanbul .

A gastonomic weekend

Celebrated Bobs Birthday in style last night – a banquet at Maxims…we had the works…and then some Chinese food !! – not a slice of Welsh rarebit in sight ( this links with the garlic prawns joke -ask John, Jacob,Flo, Alex, James or George to tell you one day ). Have just stopped feeling full and am now looking forward to seeing who went out of ”I’m a celeb” and then dining out again , chez Jane ( who has also been on Havafondle bay ) and Roy. I feel a large G&T coming on …………………

Geog question

Adam , oh yes we’ve walked down those steep steps to Shrinkle Haven. But you can only get down there at low tide. My favourite walk in the world is from Stackpole Quay, over the cliff to Barafundle bay , over the next cliff to Broadhaven , up the right arm of the Lily Ponds, around the lake on The Stackpole Estate , over the 8arch bridge and across the fields to ‘The Boathouse Tearooms’ . But whatever you do , get Bob the garlic prawns ( injoke ) .Years and years ago we were doing that walk in the pouring rain and who should we bump into but…..Izzy Pickles et famille.

Does anyone out there know where on earth I am talking about ?

Right left right left

News from my little Turkish Delight . he went on the best walk of his life . I can’t believe it beat all those trudges ( their words ) we took him, Rosie and Florence on. Dartmoor ,when we got lost in the fog and 2 people fell in Quicksand. North Devon when on a 5mile walk in the mist , we got horribly lost, ran out of scooby snacks and found ourselves on M.O.D. land , passing a sign that said” beware- unexploded landmines , do not tread on them or you could die”. No one did, we ended up walking about 12miles but, we made it back to the campsite for the evenings classy entertainment. Sitting on the edge of a cliff at Manorbier, having a mid-trudge flask and donut, when the army let off a rocket launch 50yards away from us and we all thought we’d been snipered. Walking into Tenby , from our campsite , for fish and chips , returning in the pitch black . Nik had to give the 15 of us a number that we shouted out in sequence , to check we were all still there. In Norfolk, walking along the beach at night and Rosie and Helen tripping over all the fishermans lines – they weren’t too popular . Thousands of walks from Walberwick to Southwold and back again. Then today hes quad biking , going into and underground city ( prob like The Northern Line ) and off to see the sunset at Love Creek .

Just like an all-inclusive hoilday

I’m not putting my name down . If you weren’t confused when you went in , you certainly were by the time you came out . At around 3pm , I went to find the loo , I returned at around 4.20. Mind you I did enjoy being hoisted into the bath and the jacuzzi bubbles being put on.

Pastures new

Yesterday, I got invited to a wedding . We’re going to eat sandwiches, pickled onions and casserole, drink vodka/redbull, be entertained by Shakira and ALL go on honeymoon to Cyprus. I can’t wait, once my student has found his bride, its a date for the diary.

Today I’m off to take Grandmama to visit 3 ex Brigstock inmates, who are now in a state of the art home for the E.M.I. NOT a record lable, but ‘elderly mentally infrirm.’ Lovely Judy , our travelling keep-fit lady , says they were asking after Joan , and so I’ve made us all butties and off we go…..if I like it , I’ll be putting my name down .

Up with the lark

Back to my Little Turkish Delight – Jacob wanted me to point out he didn’t play the spoons for The Whirling Dervishes . After all they are Sufi Muslims in a deep meditative state as they whirl , and Jacob and Susie singing ‘Islands in the Stream’ accompanied by 2 nicked hostel spoons being banged together, wouldn’t have helped.

Well they’ve been up ,up and away today in a basket. At 5.45am they took a hot air balloon over Cappadocia ( I think there was a pilot with them ). Jacob emailed to say they were up 1km up in the air to see the sunset, amazing. Once back down on the ground , the crew were folding up the balloon , they threw Jacob on top and did a ‘pile-on’ – could this be an ancient Ottoman ritual ?

Just heard Jordans gone

Yesrterday Flo and I were driving to Grandmama’s listenining to Stuart Rose on ‘Desert Island discs’. It made me so happy when I heard one of his choices -‘The Test pilot’ featuring Tony Hancock and Kenneth Williams. When I was a little girl ( I know hard to believe ) my Dad or Brother had a few Tony Hancock episodes on vinyl , 45rpm. I LOVED them , but ‘The Test pilot’ was my absolute favourite . I played it over and over and over again – it made me howl – my friend and I used to act it out , we knew it word for word.

There is an irony in hearing it now , probably after 30years. Since Dec 21st I often have difficuilty sleeping…I apolojise to Rosie as I move her to a quiet corner of my brain and try and think of other stuff. Stuff that distracts me , yet doesn’t make me sad or anxious. One of the conversations I have with myself is what would be my Desert Island discs, and ‘The Test pilot’ is always on it. How spooky – and I wear M&S clothes – do you think Stuart and I were seperated at birth – don’t get Grandma started on that one .Yesterday she wanted to know why Simon Caldron was often mentioned on the radio and what exactly is The X Factor. If the whole of ‘The Happiness Garden” Chines Restaurant didn’t know before , they do now !

Jacob and Susie are in Central Turkey , they’ve seen the Whirling Dervishes and played the spoons and danced with some local musicians – talking of The X Factor………………

Have you seen a man flying thro the air wrapped in chains ?

Claire and I went out and celebrated her 50th last night. After moules and frites at Belgo’s , we crossed the road ( in a blizzard – hair not looking quite so good now ) and went to the Roundhouse to see ‘la Clique’. A real treat of wild escapism ( The Flemish beer, Margaritas and rose vino helped )- where the naked Martina kept her red hanky ,stunned us all !!

It was lovely to see Amy, Nicky and Stu for lunch – we got their Elthorne Year book out . Stu won ‘best bum’ , the same award had been given 2 years earlier to Ruth ( Stu’s sister ) and Jacob – I always said he took after me in the buttocks department. Spookily , Jourdan Dunn won the award ” most likely to become a model”.

Rosie

11 months ago today , our world fell apart.

Click CTRL and F5 and you’ll see my beautiful, funny, kind, creative, happy, healthy, caring, gentle ( yet bombastic at times), slapdash, messy , wonderful , daughter. on her 18th Birthday. Til the day I die , I will shout from the rooftops how much I love her and will never understand why life was so cruel to her.

Thank God for Jacob, Florence and John ,my love for them keeps me sane.and able to put one foot in front of the other.

Google Images- a Godsend

How sad am I, staying in on a friday night, 10mins to go until ”I’m a celeb” and can’t bear to catch a glimpse of ”children in need” in case they show anything to do with a child that has had Meningitis….so I google Cappadocia. It looks amazing – get clicking .

they want top soil

Jacob has returned to Burma for arts week ( no don’t panic its not part of his course – although he did get near the uni when we trundled past in on the bus last Fri ) and then him and Susie are travelling to Cappadocia, which is a coincidence as we were talking about Grandmas cappacinos ( maybe thats where they originated from ) in the heart of Turkey. ( they come fom Sainsburies – but NOT their own make- too lumpy , only Nescafe sweetened will do )

No work today and so we did ‘The Richmond Loop’ – 65 bus, coffee in Hollyhocks cafe just in front of Mick jaggers House, big walk around Richmond park, down to Petersham Nurseries for coffee and polenta and almond cake ( we’re very cosmopolitan in the south ), spotted richard E. Grant .Then back on the 65 bus with about 200 screaming school kids – tried to outdo their noise levels – suceeded.. Sat on the top deck and so could see into the eco commune by kew bridge – anyone been there ( and please don’t suggest it as a good place to take grandma to lunch ) ?

Help the aged

I’ve just got in and nobody is home – very odd. I’m not good on not knowing where people are . Another thing I’m not good at is going to Sainsburies. A year ago I would have happily bumped into people i know , now I can’t stand it. I run the gauntlet up each aisle , avoiding anyone likely to say hello. I obviously look very suspicious ( the balaclava doesn’t help ) and I’m prob on the Sains No.1 most likely shoplifters. Saying that i did bump into the lovely Viv , who childminded Jacob and Rosie for about 4 years. She remended me of how Rosie used to HATE having and afternoon nap ,and mastered the art of climbing out the travel cot and causing mayhem …don’t ask- lets just say it involved a dirty nappy and Viv’s bed .

Lorna, Its not just Jordan’s lip that looks odd, but why are her teeth so white ? I think Sam is trying too hard and is out to win ( prob cos shes jealous of Jordan and she wants to be on the front of every mag you see at the checkout in Sains ).

Grandmama had to do without me today as i went to work . Who will be getting her cappacinos and peanut butter ….and gin ?

Ant and dec still make me laugh , despite Dec’s terrible hairdye

Are you or aren’t you….watching ‘i’m a celebrity……..” ? Flo and I are . We used to watch it with Rosie , but she could never sit still long enough , and have to go and check her ‘off your facebook’ every 10mins . She would usually come back in to sit soft with us , having made a cup of milky coffee and proceed to drink it by slurping it off a teaspoon ! Well at work today we were discussing the good old days of ”I’m a celeb” and how soft and cushy its become.Do you remember when they used to have to make sure the fire never went out- someone had to watch it all night , collect their own water, no indoor shelter, scrub their smalls in the lake ( not have Kim and Sam do a laundry service for them ). Mind you i think some of the bushtucker trials have got harder , i’m with Katie Jordan on last nights one – scared i was going to drown

With love

On Sunday at St Mary’s Church, South Ealing Road, there was a special service to remember all those who died ( recently) in the parishes of St Johns, Marys ,James and Pauls – Rosie’s name was read out . As we were not there , Claire and Bob went for us ,and for Rosie, they lit a candle , it breaks your heart.

We’re home

Just typing this in my lunchbreak, while stuffing a smoked ham and mustard buttie – absolutely NO food in the house !

Well , we returned last night from Istanbul, having had a ball . as usual on my travels , Rosie was with me all the time , her passport in my bag and her photo next to my heart . She would have loved it , the people, the food, the games , the buzz….

Do any of you remeber Marty Feldman – he was a commedian who used to do a sketch show and one of the items was a speeded up film of an adventure ?Well this is a Rachel Feldman take on what we did in Istanbul …….

Thursday morn and early cab to hearthrow T5- john and my blood pressure shot right up when the driver took us via the M25 and wewere stuck in stationary traffic. Nerves were calmed by breakfast in Gordon Ramsays and a couple pf large brandies on the plane ! We were met by Jacob wearing his imitation nylon Addidas Tracksuit – i thought for a minute we were in benidorm. The whole outfit cost £4 – none of us liked to say anyting – it was his idea of a joke. taxi to talabashi and walked 4 flights up ( with cases) to jacobs pad – we would have gone to the hotel , but I forgot the address…then 4 flights down and off to the hotel .We walked down to the Bosphorous , sat outside in a bar , with a cold Effes ( nothing that some Hemaeroid cream can’t put right ) and a plate of mussels and calamari and watched the boats going crazy on The Golden Horn bliss to be with the 3 people I love most in the world. back up the hill and dins in a fab restaurant and coffee and ckes somewhere else. Pooped , bed at 2.

All met up and had Borek for breakfast ( spinach and fetta pastry – not Borats cousin ), walked to the port and got the ferry over to The Asian Side . Strolled round the antique shops, fish market , market and went to Jacobs friends Hassans pad , met Mathias. onto uskadar – fab bar and learnt toplay ‘tabla’ ( backgammon) from then on we were pretty much addicted. ( gotta speed up – nearly bell time at work ) – so kebab, ferry, walk , dins at swanky ‘360’ and bar , shisha, terrible coffee, tabla, contract whist , beddy byes.

Then on Sat , we met jacobs lovely roomies , Susie , who we know and who ran for Rosie, David ( pronounced Davide- more Ginola than Beckham ) and Hanna, Emre who lives upstairs Shot off and did the Spice Bazzaar – all going well until one stall holder called John ‘Baldy man’. Got lost in the grand bazzaar, took photos in the Cistern ( underground NOT toilet ), went and watched rugby in the sports bar , ate fresh fresh fis at a cafe in the fish market, played tabla in a bar and dined in a very Turkish restaurant . back to our local cafe , got thrashed at Contract played on on Jacobs roof terrace. . ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ’s

Sunday and it was areal buzzy local market right outside Jacobs flat . there was a dodgy moment when we had to squeeze past the egg stall with our cases. John paid at least £2 for some trakkie bottoms- so now him and Jacob look like something out the 118 118 advert. Plane home, boo hoo. Missing AF already

Up the Bosphorous

Well don’t tell Burglar Bill, but we’re off to Istanbul for 3 days to see ( and in Flo’s case stay with ) Jacob for 3 nights. John and I have pushed the boat out – 3 nights in a small hotel, 90euros, all in ( that means a left over kebab for breakfast , not all- inclusive ). I can’t wait to get my hands on my little Macho Turkish Delight, and then i guess I’ll see Jacob – boom boom. No really i haven’t seen him in the flesh for nearly 2 months, so i’m looking forward to one huge big cringetearhugfest at the airport.

He’s got stuff planned for us , so wait til next week to find out our itinery…………..

Talking of ‘Burglar Bill’ , that was Jacob’s joint favourite book , (toddler NOT A’level ), his other was Hairy McClary. Rosie’s was ‘Each peach Pear Plum , and Florence’s ‘I want my potty’. Sadly , mine was ‘The Original Grimms Tales’ – which if you’ve ever read them says a lot about me.

Au revoir – French/Turkish for adieu

WYP revisited

My little Evening Standard Fairy , Julia , plopped one through my door today ( and an Evening standard ) – thank -you. Since the 21st Dec 08 my brain is well and truly coddled, I find it to hard to think straight and little things like reading the paper ( starting with the reviews/TV/travel/recipes working my way down to the news and ignoring the sport, business or anything remotely ‘high brow’.) and watching the only 3 series of Coach Trip ever made are purely mind numbing distraction.

At work today , I had a young student nurse on placement , in with me .I asked her age, she replied 19 , I burst into tears …I think she spent the rest of the lesson thinking ‘is this woman in the right job’ as i went into overdrive , a female all singing ,all dancing Jackson Pollock .

Jacob, I’m worried – have you ever weighed your poo ?

This is all true.

Well last night was a first…in my 51years of going to friends for supper ,we were given a questionaire. These are the questions and my answers are in brackets .- this is NOT made up ….1) State of the house ? ( would have preffered glass in the toilet door window – too much of a sensory experiece for everyone else in the house ). 2) Hostess’s hairstyle ? ( Didn’t know the beehive was back in fashion ). 3) Hostess’s outfit ? ( not sure the skirt and pop sox is such a good look ). 4. Starter ( absolutely bloody brilliant , top score , loved the griddled courgettes, peppers , mint and feta salad- we’ll be back ). 5) main course ? (- not as good as the starter). 6) pudding ? ( loved the hot choc sauce – real comfort food – pity hostess ate 2/3 of it.) 7) card game ( was Ok til round 3 when John didn’t put a foot wrong and swept the board .BUT did like playing with MY brand new’English Heritage Stately Homes ‘card pack that I bought in Woodbridge tourist information Office – which indicates what a sad life I have as I get so excited about such a purchase ). 8) Husband’s conversation ( better than Hostess’s )

Then today…………… we had a scarey moment .We were walking ‘The Thame river Walk’ with Ali and Andy , who now live in Thame .Delilah was behaving herself, when all of a sudden a huge herd of steer came bounding across the field and we all had to leap back over the stile and make a massive detour. across 3 of Farmer Giles’s newly planted fields. We were so traumatised we had to come back and have a huge cream tea.

Points to note – I made the starter. Delilah is a dog.

As predicted

John got all excited when he looked at the calender this morning ” who are we going to Montys with ”? I’ve just broken the news, he mis read it – we are going to Mandys !

* Montys is a fab Nepalese restaurant

** We’d much rather go to Mandys , better (?) food, much better company and John can exorcise his competitive streak when we have a ‘post dins game of contract’…plus he can give Chris his bike back – I think he borrowed it for a couple of days…..5 weeks later ??????

Double trouble

I took Grandma ( name of Joan – actually it’s Grace , but she hates that and so chooses to be called by her middle name , I prefer Grace – hence Rosie Grace ….I digress ) and her friend Joan, out to lunch today . Joan 1 is 88, wheelchair bound with 2 NHS hearing aids , Joan 2 is 95, wheelchair bound with 2 ‘private ‘ hearing aids that buzz. They hadn’t seen each other for a year ( the Joans , not the hearing aids). Well , we parked up and 20mins and 3 entrances later we were sitting in the brightest spot in the pub. 30minutes later and i think the whole of ‘The Olde bell Inn ‘ in Horley had heard the 2 Joans life histories , including their most intimate medical details , plus what every member of ‘The Golden Circle’ ( don’t ask – but I assure it is not a South london Sect )was up to . Cos of Joan 1’s ‘Volkmans Contracture’ she find it hard to hold a knife and fork and so prefers finger food, so ordered tempura prawns and chips….but once she’d spotted my fish cakes, suddenly the idea of struggling with the fork seemed more attractive and so we did a swop.The 3 of us shared a low cal (?) toffee and pecan pud with custard. After 2 large glasses of dry white and 90mins of yet more medical details, we had emptied the pub and had to make 2 grand exits to the car. We then drove back to Joan 2’s first floor flat , made 2 entrances, settled down to tea and biscuits – and yet more graphic details , and was dispatched to Horley Waitrose to get Joan 2’s shopping . On route to brigstock,I’d done Joan1’s shopping at Merton Sainsburies, fool that I am , forgetting I could kill 2 old birds with 1 stone ! But it was worth it ( nothing that 3 days in retreat won’t put right ), they are 2 lovely old gals whose eyes lit up when they saw each other…..and when the dry white was put on the table.

Jacob is doing a ‘Ray Mears’ tomo. The intrepid explorer is sailing south to Bursia. Flo and i just googled it, we were a bit worried at first as the foreign Office advised against going there , until we realised that was Burma. Bursia looks fab – lots of beautiful Mosques and water and bbq’d mussels – wish we were there. Perhaps if i put Joans 1&2 on a flight to Istanbul jacob could sort them out .with a little adventure………………………….

I’m never good when i turn the calender over.

I am just eating a huge plate of humble pie ….I must apolojise to a gorgeous 18 year old girl ( when they say ‘coming of age ‘ – it really means throw away your fake ID )for forgetting her birthday . Hazel ( no , not the one I work with , you know you are over 60 ), I have known you since the day you were born , in fact ,I even remember the day your Mum told me she was pregnant with you …it was in our kitchen when she’d come to babysit for Jacob and Rosie , as John and I were going to yet another night of Transvestite Bingo ( actually I don’t remember where we were going, but Sarah and I were talking about going to such an event, earlier this evening ). I digress – Hazel , I hope you HAD a wonderful 18th Birthday and this evening all The Dwyers have raised their glasses to your health and happiness . And hopefully , by the weekend ,the Birthday Stork will have dropped something on your mat . ( but Lorna , hopefully not on your mat )xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

censored

I think Brendan should take his coach on a little detour to Istanbul . We ‘ve just spent 45mins on skypey ,with Jacob , and he has a nasty cold ( Jacob not Brendan ). It was all going so well until John revealed his 6 pack……………….

When’s your first meeting ?

Lorna , I’m worried about you. I’m even more worried cos I don’t think you’re watching ‘Coach trip’ and as I keep bleating on , it has to be the best wildlifedocutravelfoodiesoap on skyplus at the moment.

Got to rush……..

OMG did you see the article on page 49 of the Sunday Times Supp ( the copy with Russell Brand on the front looking spookily like Jesus ) ? No don’t get too excited , its not about Rosie’s exhibition or my hang up with work surfaces BUT it’s about females who blog – some spending up to 3 hours a day doing it ( very dangerous , when would they have time to use their new spray surface cleaner ? ). Some people are even addicted ?? So , if you too have that problem – come clean , reveal yourself and perhaps we could start a self- help group .

Well I was back at work today and off to a TCF meeting tonight, throwing a 3 course gourmet dinner at J&F somewhere between the 2 .

Beautiful girls

We are into Nov and so I had to turn my calender over …and its Rosie with Georgie and Katie , in the Clarkes kitchen ( work surfaces are looking tip top , you’ll be pleased to know ), I think it was taken just before they went out for the evenings celebration bash . Not so sure they looked this good at the end of the night. Where did you all go ? Madame White Heat Afterskool Drayton JoJo’s club – you can see I’m up there with the beat ??

BOO !

I think I’ve just upset my first lot of ‘trick or treaters’ – 2 boys and 2 girls from our street. I asked who they were meant to be – Girls Aloud ? Then to add insult to injury ,I had to scrabble around for something to give them .Can’t understand why they weren’t happy with 3 lemsips and a weightwatchers friut bar.

I loathe Halloween , but I think our neighbours loathed it more when ,about 6 years, ago Jacob and Toby went trick or treating …they put a lot of thought into their costume, Jacob wearing his rollerblade helmet and Toby putting his hood up ! I think they terrorised the whole area ,and came back with £15 in cash !

( they did wear other clothes too )

Huge Oops

Thanks to all of you who have replied to the card invitation to Rosie’s exhibition, but only one of you has noticed the deliberate ( we wish ) mistake . The email address – it should read

racheljdwyer@aol.com

The old hawkeye was Bert himself , there’s a prize in the post.( thats Ok , he’s got no chance of getting it ! )

GSA

It was a year ago – the Thursday of Oct half term, that Rosie and I had the most fabulous day out. I persuaded her we should go and see Glasgow School of Art , even though I knew she would almost definitely stay in London to study (?). Well I got free flights on my airmiles , so this time a year ago we were wending our way to Heathrow terminal 5, to have breakfast in Gordon Ramsays ( before he filled his face with chemicals !).We were so excited we even phoned Jacob to tell him where we were and that we were about to fly over his head – as I recall we woke him up. ( well at that time it is darker in Newcastle ) . Once on board , Rosie was desperate to have a ‘Bloody Mary’ as she’d never had one , but then she bottled out and we both had a brandy and ginger.We chatted with the stewardesses and they told us where to go for cocktails – you can see we were taking this college visit very seriously ! Once in glasgow ,we got lost , had a mini-row ( Rosie expected me to know where to go – having never been there before……..), got lost and eventually got to GSA- with around 10,000 other people. But we bumped into Holly and Stu and went to an introductory lecture with them ,wandered a bit and then went to a portfolio lecture in this wonderful art deco theatre. After that my caffeine levels had dipped to dangerously low levels , so instead of going with Stolly for the next lecture ,I said I’m off to seek refreshment and Rosie came too. We walked down to Sauchiehall ( Spelling – wrong ) Street and Rosie phoned Izzy as she knew somewhere fab to eat- The willowtree Tearooms. Rosie let out a huge PHAH, as we were standing right outside them. After haggis ,neaps and Tatties we went in search of The Air stewardesses recommended cocktail bar , but we got hopelessly lost and hysterical, so we ended up in ‘All Bar One’ with a bottle of chilled white. It didn’t take long to make radio contact with Stolly .They got more lost than us and collared some poor local to bring them there ! So after another bottle and a debrief ( nice college – too far – not a hope in hell of getting in ) , they left ( crap timing with easyjet ) and Rosie insisted she buy me a whisky in a’ proper ‘ pub. So our adventure continued. It was a BRILLIANT day and I’m so so so glad we did it. I would do ANYTHING to be able to do it again.

Only 4 were singing

Where in the world can you see a Rubens hanging near a Gainsborough hanging near a Rembrandt hanging near a …Dwyer? Yes this afternoon I was the proud mother of one of those 4 ,as I gazed upon Florence’s work displayed in Dulwich picture gallery. I was going to take Grandmama to the exhibition until I remembered the last time she gazed upon one of my childrens beautiful pieces of work, she said – ”it’s OK, but when are you going to get a proper job.”

So instead Florence and I left her at The Brigstock singalongaparty and joined them later. I think now florence knows all the words to ‘Underneath the Arches’ and ‘pack up your troubles’. I think Gareth should tackle Croydon Social Services Old Peoples Homes next.

a walk in the sunshine

Just got in from sunny Suffolk, Woodbridge to be precise . I have been there once in my life, with Jane , but once there she CBA to get out of the car so we sat by the tidal mill, proudly displaying her disabled badges and eating our butties – until i was dispatched for coffee.. This was typical of a day out with her – we did the same in Chichester ,Bath and Oxford – except no tidal mill.

Today was fab and only £18 on the train – God how I love the train – you can eat,drink ,talk, listen to other peoples conversations and go sidesplittingly hysterical when , en route to the loo, I got trapped on the wibbly wobbly concertina bit between the 2 carriages , as the 2 sets of doors got jammed.

Good to hear the invitations are plopping on your mats- Helenka , yours will be posted tomo.

Edward I’m free the whole of next year , so get that group booking going !

Pigeon Post

Timing was never one of my strengths . With mountain of mail at most sorting offices and a another postal strike imminent, I thought today was a good time ( not ) to send out the first batch if invitations to Rosie’s exhibition.They look fab , the front is one of Rosie’s sketches and the back is all Florence’s work. In a couple of weeks I will put plan B into action -the reliable email invitation . Not nearly as nice as having a lovely piece of art plop on your mat ( probably when the exhibition is over ), but it ensures everyone knows about it. So if you are not in my address book and i haven’t txted you for your address , please email me with it racheljdwyer@aol.com and I’ll make sure one wends its merry way to you.

Anyone know a good choreographer?

Does me in ‘The Apple Store ‘ ,Regent Street, friday night , 6pm, when handed an identical green ipod replacement , refusing to hand Rosie’s old one over and bursting into tears ( they let me keep it ) , count ? When home Jacob , we could reinact it . Perhaps bring in a few extras ( i.e. blogfollowers ) and make a sort of ‘T Mobile in Liverpool Street Station’ meets ‘Killer’ dance routine in the clinical Apple Store ?

You’ll all be gald to know Friday night had a happy ending. With Rosie’s ipod clutched to my breast ( no comments about plenty of room there , please ) we shot off to meet Paula and Nik for a theraputic dosai , palak lamb etc. and a couple of bottles of Tikka Gold.

The smell of the greasepaint…………

Just got in from an OWE SAM days – really good distraction therapy.Throw in a fab lunch at Livebait and a bouteille de chilled house blanc and it has the makings of a happy time .This time we saw ‘Annie Get Your Gun’ – all proper stuff at The Young Vic – not a St. Oswald’s players production. You would all be tapping your feet and doing your jazz hands to ”There’s no business like show business” and singing falsetto for’ ‘Anything you can do ,I can do better”. Now I’m home for more cheese – ‘Strictly’, homemade ratatouille and a bottle of anything thats left in our drinks cuboard – after Flo entertained last night !

OWE SAM …..out with Emma, see a musical. We think we are going for Extreme Cheese fest next – the sequal to ‘Phantom’.

5 pairs of bedsocks in the top drawer

Just got back from sorting out Grandmama’s winter/ summer wardrobe. Its just a question of swopping all the Breton short sleeved stripey T shirts and cut off trousures for the Breton long sleeved stripey T shirts plus thermal vests and cordrouy trousures. She’s quite trendy for an 88year old – not a touch of crimplene in sight. I then persuaded her to go to Keep fit , with the lovely Judy( now she does deserve a medal ), what she gets those old dears to do with a squidgey ball and a length of elastic, wouldn’t be allowed on most legal websites.

I don’t know if John , Jacob and Florence are the same , but my grief surrounds my head like a foggy haze- sometimes it is clearer than others , sometimes it is so overwhelming I cannot function at all and othertimes it comes over you like a tidal wave – and you never know when its going to hit – it could be a word,a smell, music, people , clothes . Just seeing kids in an Oaklands or Elthorne uniform , drives me half crazy with grief. Last night , I was winded when I read that ‘Jump’ is coming back to london . Rosie and I went to see it one Sat matinee and we were hysterical , it was brilliant -The Simpsons meet Brian Rix meet Crouching Tiger, hidden dragon . The audience was 90% male, average age 8 ! We stood out like a sore thumb , which made us more hysterical , plus there was no queue in the bar – joyous days.

Don’t forget to press Ctrl and F%

I’ve survived,no not my first half term back at work , but my first drive with Florence Button behind the wheel…….It must have gone OK – we are still talking…….and walking.

Thanks for my 2 evening Standards this week, it does make a difference to my sad little life esp tonight as C4 have taken phil & Kirsty away from me , plus i’m missing recipe night in thr ES , NOT that I’m a creature of habit !

Its 10 months today , since we said Good bye to Rosie and so now you need to refresh .Wasn’t she just the most beaut little girl ? The photo in ‘the dress’ that Flo made was taken by Flo for part of her GCSE textiles exam and the one with Tim , Helen, Oliver,Jacob and Flo was taken at the Top of The Rock . God how Rosie loved NYC.

The rich , used ones made of beeswax.

I know I said I wouldn’t write about work , but I had 2 lovely visitors from the Museum Of London come in today to run 2 workshops ‘Dinner by Candlelight’ all about lighting in the Tudor times .Have you ever smelled candles made of sheep fat – disgusting ?They( the visitors , not the sheep ) had to get a cab from the Museum of London to Hanwell ,as the artefacts all around 500years old , are too valuable to risk taking on public transport . I thought it was more of a risk bringing them into my artroom.

Jacob swam off Princes Island today – wonder if he spotted the Uni through his goggles.

We need YOUR photos ( if you did a square and we don’t have them ).

Stolly arrived armed with fab photos, later to be joined by Adam and Laura. Out came the spirit levels and T frames ( not a new type of cocktail ) and they got gridding . In the midst of all this , Richard C. came round to trim my bush. I think you’ll agree , our front garden rivals Kew in it’s density and variety. The last thing Rosie said when she left 106 on the 21st Dec was ”Dad the front garden looks great”. She’s right – it does , thanks to Richard and John’s hard work – not forgetting Paul A. who planted the seed of change by telling me how, in its former state , resembling steptoes Yard , it let the rest of the road down and we could be featured in one of those lousy neighbours docutrash- not any more !

Where are Stu and Holly when you need them ?

Jacob is now safely home in his little ghetto pad having run form Asia to Europe in ?????mins. His microchipped time hasn’t been sent to him yet – so maybe later we can all celebrate his time ( or not , if its over 5 hours ).So when i spoke to him on Skypey about an hour ago he was just off for a shower ( i still don’t understand why he feels the need to strip off on camera ), and out with Suze to a cafe for chai, backgammon and shisha- still don’t think he’s found the Uni , maybe he ran passed it today.

Yesterday Flo and I saw the ipod doc , not good news i’m afraid , but , we have ordered an indentical one and will Flo will load all Rosies tunes onto that – then maybe even teach me how to use it. We needed cheering up and so went out for afternoon tea to ‘Yauatcha’ in Berwick street. Rosie had an amazing night out there with all her pals from Waitrose , to celebrate someones Bday. The photos of them are fab , they ALL look so beautiful and happy – out of uniform ! She raved about that place and so when Flo and I stumbled on it , we had to go there. We didn’t have lunch there , cos old ‘padlock pockets’ ( me ) had made us butties we ate before we went, so instead we took tea. The cakes are a work of art and the whole place is buzzing- we could just see Rosie sprawled across one of the back benches, laughing. God how i wish………….

Claire, Sept 11th is now famous for something else. Mandy took me on a 5mile walk.Eleven miles later and still walking ( in stupid slippy sloppy shoes ), my toe went black and i couln’t walk properly for a week.

John and I have just pivoted ( its just like Strictly in this house ) the 2 huge Rosie portraits round. gridding commences this afternoon.

Good morning .

Just had to share this with you . Woke at 6 and shot off for a swim ( then sainsburies ). In the middle of my 9th length ,I fell something odd with ‘my Left Foot'( good name for a film ? ), I felt down – my black toenail was hanging off. It reminded me of the time we went to see Victoria Wood and she told the story of when she lost her contact lens in the changing rooms of the swimming pool …she then found it , put it in to discover it was someones verruca !

Think of Jacob tomo he’s running from one continent to another , all in 15K (no not America to Africa).

16.10.52

But Lorna, does it have a commode and would it be possible to have LBC blaring out at 50,000 decibels ?

For the first time in my 51 London years I travelled to Essex from Liverpool Street. Mandy and I started dancing ( well actually i sang ‘shout’ in my best Lulu style voice ), while Mandy tried to start the conga, but we failed miserably to reinact The T Mobile Advert – how come The Sealed Knot can do it ? We walked along the beach from Frinton on Sea, briefly stopping to spend a £1’s worth of 2p’s on the ‘pushy over the edge gambling machine’ on the grottiest pier in the UK, through Walton on the Naze , all the way to The Naze tower , which is now an art gallery on 7 floors , with a wondferful blowy outside viewing gallery on the top. Dotted on 2 floors inside are tables and chairs , where some poor old guy has to lug coffees up to you. there we drooled over Mandy’s new OS map , which i managed to sabotage by folding it down the wrong lines before spilling my cappacino on it . We picnic’d in the sunshine on a beaut beach and skinny dipped in The North Sea ( I made that last bit up ).The icing on the cake was getting an Evening Standard at LS Station.

My Sister, Jane, would have been 57 today.

Where will Grandma live next ?

I introduced my friend Jane to the delights of Brigstock Manor today. Only a year til it gets knocked down – hopefully Croydon Council will remember to take the residents out first. Grandma’s lunch venue of choice was Dulwich Picture Gallery Cafe, which masquerades as a rather arty upmarket restaurant. Bless her, she always asks for a Pimms as that was the last drink her and Rosie shared there ( don’t be silly ,not just 1 drink , a jug ), and this being England won’t serve it a day after Oct 1st , so she had a Becks instead – actually she wanted a shandy , but they didn’t serve that either. Then we sat in Dulwich Park , she sat there with the sun on her face and had a little snooze – Grandma, not Jane- she had the misfortune of listening to me drone on …zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I don’t even know how to switch it on

I’ve just secured myself a hot date at the Ipod Bar, Sat 17th Oct at 13.55. No doubt he’ll ( or she’ll – when you’re this desperate it doesn’t really matter ) be young, clever , speak in a language i don’t understand and cost me a fortune……….Yes you’ve guessed it , I’m trying to get Rosie’s ipod fixed. With all that sweat flying around ( not mine ) during the 10k , its given up the ghost . We want it back, it’s part of Rosie .

I miss the reviews……

Sadly as part om ASD/distraction /relaxation therapy ( therapist – me ) , I sit soft around 9pm, witha cup of coffee, mindless TV and The Evening Standard ( and Florence if I’m lucky ). But NO more , you can no longer get the now free paper round here. I’ve been on line and they give it away in Sains W.Ealing ( the shop where LB of Ealing should pay my salary directly into ), but , after talking to my lovely friend on customer services , they deliver one batch late morning , so i haven’t got a hope in hell of getting one. So if ever you grab a copy in london and sre passing 106 , please get an extra copy for me and shove it through the letterbox – thanks. I guess its back to The Beano.

How long til i retire ?

Bruce is only allowed to go if he takes Tess with him ( and her dresser ). What did Dannii say …I missed all of that cos I was too busy worrying about Terry getting better and making it down to london for ‘Grease’ is the word , is the word……………….

Had a pants day at work – too long and unproffessional ( unlike Danii , by the sound of things ).

Are you watching ‘Grease’ the musical tonight ?

John and I have just got in from doing ‘front of house ‘ at the soup kitchen . Just before we start , having made 20 loaves worth of sandwiches , and a vat of soup , the question is asked ‘who wants to be in the kitchen ‘ and ‘who wants to wait on tables’. John made the mistake once of volunteering to go in the kitchen , until i pointed out we can wash up at home ( plus there are NO Marigolds ) and lets go out there and talk to people ( prob my greatest hobby )…it was heaving today, full of great characters , one of whom was full of too much ‘diamond white ‘and had to be put in the recovery position (( not me – although I’ve just poured my first R&C). Our friend Surrinder came too. My little fairy hadn’t seen my note and so the oven ( with beef in it ) wasn’t turned on and so we’ll be eating about midnight. Heyho

What do you think about Anton, and his inappropriate remarks ? i think he should have gone…………….?

Dates for your diary

It was like London Fashion week in Brigstock this afternoon. Flo is going to a party tonight and she brought along a selection of dresses she might wear..then modelled them for Grandma ( registered blind ) and me ( only wears sacks from M&S- and hasnt even bought one of them for 10months ) – so not quite Anna Wintour and Posh in the front row. Anyway Flo tried on the flowery dress Rosie is wearing in the collaborative piece photo, only to find the bottom button was missing and so Rosie had tied the 2 sides together with a ripped off piece of plastic carrier bag and tied it in a bow at the front – not quite the invisible sewing that she picked up a Brownie badge for in 1997 !

Had an email from Jacob last night, he sounds like he’s turning into a bronzed Adonis, having hired bikes, had his hair cut, cycled around Princes Island, sunbathed on a secluded beach and swum in the sea and eaten Fried Bonita ( isn’t that mentioned in an Abba song ? ). Does he go to any lectures , has he found out where Istanbul Uni is ?

Next week , we are starting gridding up the back of the colaborative Rosie Collage. To all 129 of you that have submitted a square and a photo ,thank -you. BUT, if you do have a photo of you and Rosie together , please can you get it onto photographic paper and get it to me . I know Holly has done a marvelous job of collecting loads. Hopefully we will be getting the invitations printed next week and so we can post them , and they can sit in a pile somewhere ( along with Flo’s Oyster card ) until the post strike is over……. We will also be sending ‘e’ ( electronic ,not the stimulant) invitations out, so hopefully somehow EVERYONE will know about it. We want as many people to come as possible , so please tell your friends and family about it and encourage them to come. Roughly it will be Tues 15, Wed 16 and Thurs 17th December 10am – 8.15pm. Except for the Tuesday evening when from 4.30pm – 8.15pm , it will be the Private view for the 130 Artistes who all did 2 squares. It is in The triangle Space , at The Chelsea School of Art, on Millbank, bang next door to The Tate Britain ( so try not to get it muddled with The Turner Prize , ours is much better – no tents , beds or pickled sheep ). So start booking your flights, megabus, polish your rollerblades and come on down .

Awaydays

Back to the swimming club …….Had an email from Steph , She’d remembered the time that Jane and her went out for a drive in Trev’s new open top sports car ( Jane in the front of course ). Steph tossed her lit cigarette behind her, it landed in the folds of the roof – and the rest they say is history !

Which then led me on to think of the wonderful day Rosie and I had 2 years ago when we went to visit York Uni( I am not going mad , there is a link with Steph , but not the swimming club )…we had a ball. I’m not really sure why we went really ( never saw any with Jacob ). I guess Rosie mentioned once she might be interested in doing History of Art, I jumped on the bandwagon , fancied a day out and got cheap train fares. Well it took us all of 10 minutes to look round the Uni , Halls of residence and Lecture Theatre. As soon as Rosie heard there was only 1 club in York ,and it was usual to travel to Leeds and get the milktrain back, plus she realised she didnt really want to do HOA anyway, we phoned Hannah( Steph’s daughter – see theres the link ) , who was studying there, and she came and met us. The 3 of us shot back into York, which is a beautiful City, and did the touristy stuff – Ramble, shambles , Minster etc and Bettys Tea Rooms – which was – in the words of Craig Revell Hall – FAB U LOUS. We had the full monty – sandwiches, scones and cream , cakestand – oh how Rosie loved that cakestand. We then had 2 hours ,before our train left , and so it had to be ….cocktails. Hannah took us to this fab, quirky bar, I put my CC behind it …and off we went. I had to have my absolute favourite’ Long Island iced Teas’ , but the girls went off piste and tried lots of Cosmopolitan Singapore slow screws in Manhattan. We rolled onto that train , and both fell asleep- which is unheard of for Rosie and me- ironically we both had the stamina of an ox ( and in my case the same shape ).

In 2 weeks it will be the anniversary of the day Rosie and I flew up to see Glasgow School of Art. Ask Stu and Holly about that one . Another wonderful day – if only i could turn that dam clock back – I miss her so much.

ITV at it’s best ?

We switched on about half way through to ‘The Pride of Britain’ (I don’t think that includes Sarah Browns shoes – she looked Dorothy on a bad day – no suggestions as to who Gordon looked like ),and it was about a little girl who had contracted Meningoccal Septicaemia as a baby – it near dam killed us . They told her story in detail. Thankfully she survived , but had her legs amputated .She was a gorgeous feisty little thing and was now training in martial arts. God it is a cruel awful thing. When i have spoken to proffessionals from the Meningitis Septacaemia Trust ( and I have ..in detail and they provide counselling ), they stress that most of the moey they raise is for research , to find out ‘why’. So please, if you see someone shaking a MST tin , do give …cos it is just too awful for anyone.

Then, on ‘POB’ awards, they played Kings of Leon – since comic relief , everyone has jumped on that bandwagon. Then in the adverts , up popped the co-op and ‘Blowing in the Wind’ .

And yes , if you did watch it , I have put gramndma’s name down for ‘The over 85’s abseiling course’.

Fat Boy Silm & Zoe & Woody live in Hove now.

I got a couple of emails and txts re: Enterprise swimming club. One was from Steph in Jersey, Jane’s best friend at school, who as I recall went out with Trevor from the club ( so not only did it provide exercise , but a micro-dating agency ).Steph pointed out that Jane NEVER went in the sea , just held court on the beach . Which reminded me of the year , we had our summer outing ( 1969 ? ) to Hove, not only did we have a pre-lunch sea dip, but gungho Norah, the chief instructor had booked ‘King Alfreds Baths ‘ for an afternoon session ( swim – not a reference to the dating agency ). At the end of the session , all the strong swimmers stayed in the pool , we divided into 2 teams ,identifiable by a rather fetching red or white swimming hat which tied under the chin …then a game of hi-lo commenced ( a sort of water basketball ) Well the final scene in ‘Gladiator ‘ had nothing on this. Disability or not , it was survival of the fittest ( prob the originator of equal opps ), there were limbs flying everywhere ( literally ) and the shouting , as about 3 players were blind, and the grabbing as about 4 players who were deaf. I think the St johns ambulance bunch were only called upon twice. I was in the losing team.

Georgina , I know about the co-op ad. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry , all i know I’m boycotting the shop on principle of stealing one of Rosie’s top 5 ipod tunes …..anyway theres not one round here ( but there is in Stirchley – so go start a protest ).

Strategic voting

The hi-light of my Sunday was finding a series of ‘Coach trip’ , I haven’t already seen ,on ‘Skyrealpeople2’ – it was cracker, so many goings on behind peoples backs , and Brendan trying to console everyone- Flo and I were glued. Then I’m such a sad individual , i even looked up its own website and saw how to apply, so Nikki………..??

Front crawl

I’ve spoken more to Jacob since hes been in Istanbul , than I did when i was at home. I got in from ‘The Enterprise swimming club for disabled people’ ( its official name ) 50th anniversary luncheon , to hear Jacob’s voice booming down the stairs. You’ll all be pleased to know he’s having a hair cut today and went on an Erasmus boat party last night. While talking , he was handed a chilled Efes and so we did a virtual clinking across cyberspace.

Yes Grandma and I went out for a swimming club reunion bash – it was lovely – a bit of a busman’s holiday , but lovely. When we were kids we used to go every Friday and the whole ethos of the club was inclusion and fun. So anyone with a disability was taught to swim 1 to 1 ( Halliwick method ) and so was any member of their family – all that was asked was that ‘ you gave something back’ .So Mum was poolside recorder, Dad did transport ( and loads of lifting ) and i trained as a swimming instructor. We had the most amazing outings – usually, Hove, Eastbourne or Worthing. Back in the 60’s there were no ramps,hoists or tail lifts and so friends were recruited to help with the lifting. It would take about an hour to load up the coach , we’d hit the A23 , the Mavis down the front always wanted the toilet! We always swam in the sea, had tea on the pier ( booked ) and then stopped at the pub and for fish and chips. Saw some amazing photos – one of Grandma in a halterneck top ( the right way round ) at a dinner and dance , and one of Jane and Graham ( who had the same condition ) standing in front of the coach, they were so little , but by God she was pretty – blew me away .SoGood to hear the club is still growing strong.

Not quite a Pitman student

How spooky , I just logged on to write this pile of pants , when the computer started ringing – and all of a sudden i was seeing and hearing Jacob . He has impressed his international flatmates with his culinary skills . he and Susie made them all his chickpea, haloumi , tomato and parsley salad – except he bought the wrong herb so it had a mint twist – I guess a sort of Mojito salad.THEY LOVE iSTANBUL AND HAD SO FAR STAYED WITH NEW FRIENDS , BUT HOPE TO START FLATHUNTING TOMO -Sos never did get to grips with the caps lock…..

Don’t forget your armbands

I only have to mention the trials of a full bladder…and up starts a heated debate. I notice all Rosie’s friends aren’t all joining in.

Emailed Jacob first thing this morn to say the weather In istanbul is going to be fab this weekend and so to get his speedos out and also to tell him all our news ( that took all of 30 seconds ), including I’m not seeing Grandma today as I’m taking her to The Swimming Club reunion lunch party on Sat. He must have speed read it , as he emailed back in 45secs , asking if it was a good idea to take Grandma swimming …now I’m normally game for most things but….He is also hoping to sigh up for the only 2 continent ( not incontinent Lorna and Claire – don’t go rushing to get an application form ) 15K. You start of in Asia and end up in Europe, unless of course you take a wrong turn and you’re in The Bosphorous ( didn’t you have to put goggles on to look at that when your science teacher set it alight ? ).

Don’t try doing it at work.

I can safely say ,it’s not a good idea to attempt to write this log in my lunchbreak.I end up all of a dither,clicking ‘submit’ twice, not finnishing my lunch, not mixing the paints, not going to the loo ( a dangerous one ) and leaving the whole thing showing on the interactive whiteboard , for all the SMSA’s to read

Female blogosheres are in the news tonight – just behind Gordon ( no relation ) Brown , storming out of a TV interview still attached to his microphone – how embarrassing is that , puts my personal revelations to the dinner ladies in perspective ! No, my role model ‘Petite Anglaise’ is quitting and she’d won a £450.000 Penguin Book Deal on the back of her blog . i don’t think mine even warrants a Penguin Biscuit !

Virtual reality tour

Later the same day . Yes we got to see and hear Jacob and Susie through Skypey. He gave us a guided tour around the flat they are staying in , which included going into one guys bedroom and waking him up !It all looked very cosy.

The Leadmill ?Does it still exist ?

Helen C. – I loved Sheffield. Now switch off everyone else ….i lived one year in halls in Totley ( known at the time as ‘the pill on the hill’ as it was a predominately female teacher training college ). 2 years in a shared house in Woodseats and then for my 4th year , when i was at Psalter lane Art College ( now defunct ) i lived in nether Edge. In fact tonight i’m going to see a play ‘Talent’ written by Victoria Wood, which I last saw at The crucible, Sheffield circa 1979 . Where do you live ?

Last night we saw where Jacobs living in Istanbul

More later….bells gone ……………………………

The Leadmill ?Does it still exist ?

Helen C. – I loved Sheffield. Now switch off everyone else ….i lived one year in halls in Totley ( known at the time as ‘the pill on the hill’ as it was a predominately female teacher training college ). 2 years in a shared house in Woodseats and then for my 4th year , when i was at Psalter lane Art College ( now defunct ) i lived in nether Edge. In fact tonight i’m going to see a play ‘Talent’ written by Victoria Wood, which I last saw at The crucible, Sheffield circa 1979 . Where do you live ?

Last night we saw where Jacobs living in Istanbul

More later….bells gone ……………………………

999

Grandmama phoned tonight to say she had been visited by ‘2 very nice burly policemen’. It was an unexpected visit , seeing as she’h only phoned downstairs ( she never believes her buzzer works and she’s had her cow bell confiscated ) to ask Sharon for her Ibruprofen. She’d obviously hit the 9 button 3 times , instead of the programmed in Brigstock Office No. once !

Stu , you are right there is nothing wrong with TVU – it rates higher than Sheffield Poly , where i went ….now who have i offended ? And Izzy get out of the SU bar and put Stu out of her misery – what was the name you gave that poor girl ?

Just about to watch ‘Grease’ the musical , wheres gareth when you need him ?

We went to a fabulous party last night to celebrate Sarah’s 30th .Sarah looked amazing, in a deep purple dress, even though John swore it was blue . The champagne flowed ( for some more than others ??) , the food was delicious, people danced and all I could see was Rosie dancing on the decking about 5 years ago- if you watch her video , you will see her. So i apolojise for being a MOB. But Richard,Sarah’s Dad gave me a brilliant ”carry-on” line which made me laugh more than i have done in 40 weeks.

I passed the ‘can i get Grandma in the new car test today ‘. We picnic’d in The Rookery at the top of Streatham Common. I even remembered to bring her home again !

Good luck and love to all you going back back to Uni . B’ham, Istanbul, Leicester, Berlin,london,Bratislava, newcastle, Manchester,Brighton, Thames Valley ( joke ) leeds,Loughborough, Norwich are lucky to have you. I don’t doubt Rosie would have stayed in london – god how she loved this city . So a special cheers to Stu and Holly who would probably have been her roomies.

*MOB , was a term used by Grandma when she was being complimenary – miserable old bitch !

I just can’t help believin’

Jacob do you want me to post the wig and so you can wear it on Thursday night ?Perhaps then is the time to put SKype on and Dad , Flo and I could harmonise in the background………………?

You are always on my mind

Even my therapist blew me out. She cancelled and so I thought i’d go to M&S. I never liked shopping at the best of times , and since Rosie died I have avoided them like the plague. Well i think i spent more time in the carpark, than i did in the shop. Went on to meet a friend , having bought nothing , not even a sandwich ! It was lovely to speak to Jayne, her beautiful 21yr old daughter Emma, died 4 yrs ago of the same bloody infection that killed Rosie.To talk to someone who understands how I feel , is reassuring/comforting and helps me not to feel so lonely.

Then last night I had dinner with 4 hunky males and then , siitting soft , was serenaded by Barry Manilow, Sting, Paul McCartney, someone from the 1930’s ( twice) and of course, Billy Joel – and no, I wasn’t the Christy Brinkley substitute…he played ‘piano man’ a far superior song. Oh and by request….Elvis ( Jacob where did you put that wig ???)

I am what I am …..again

I was kissed on the forehead by A Cagelle , had a bit of banter with John Barrowman and met a new friend ( we bonded over seeing ‘La cage’ 3 times, Priscilla, once and seeing ‘Talent ‘ next week- I am going on Tues and , sadly, he is going on Wed and so our friendship is scuppered by one night ) last night. I think Flo and Nat also had a bit of facial fondling by a crossdressing beautiful man, while Sarah,Georgie and Fifi had an thonged tight butt ( not mine ) thrust in there faces . Yes just another night in at 106 .No really we went to see ‘la cage aux Folles’ …again. Yes i know , i’ve seen it before with Douglas Hodge and Graham Norton- no, I didn’t go with them ( although, that would be something interesting to read on the blog ), they were starring in it . We pushed the boat out and sat at the cabaret tables – where you see EVERYTHING.It was amazing – if you need some cheering up therapy , do go and see it. Sadly though, Flo ( who has had her stiches out , and has thrown away her blue boofty Jimmy choo,but is still in pain )and I missed talking to Jacob and Susie on Skypey ( nothing to do with Bush Kangaroos- I loved that programme ). Alls well in Istanbul – they are now at Uni there and staying with Hassan til they get their own pad. I think the water came on in the hostel on day 2 and so you’ll be pleased to know they’ve had a shower ( but not half as pleasesd as Hassan ).

Carry on screen printing

I’ve had my nurses hat on today ( plus other clothes)- looked more Hattie Jacques than Babs Windsor – mores the pity. Flo is recovering well and sporting a rather dapper blue Jimmy Choo ( not ) .

We’ve done art therapy in sick bay – it wore us out !

Thanks again Bert x

I hope you’ve all pressed your Ctrl & F5 buttons to refresh the page…another heartstopping moment. I find I have to do lots of sharp intakes of breath when i see an unfamiliar photo of my beautiful older daughter.Mind you i think Rosie would prefer the one with the menu to the one in the bikini!

Flo’s op went well today – it is very hard for us to go back to West Mid, but all the staff were lovely and the proceedure was done under ‘local’ so Flo could eat, drink and come back and catch up on Strictly/Derren/A liverpool comp does Grease/CoachTrip /Come dine/Some bloke walking in his pants in sud zero temps/ project catwalk / open university ( that ones a red herring ) and now Nat has arrived with extra supplies of choccie and harribos!

We had the chevvy for 3 years and I never made a mark on it . We have the new car,Merv , for 2 days and I rip the tyre open on the kerb……….I remember when Rosie passed her test and 3 days later she asked if she could borrow the chevvy to take Helen out for coffee, I said yes , thinking they’d go to Cafe Gold or Roccoco or somewhere local . They came back 4 hours later , having gone to Notting Hill ! I am so glad she did all that stuff , now. God i miss her.

Landed yet ?

Ann , a feeble excuse not to make the tea – I think you owe Ian a cuppa , after all those lemon cheesecakes and firework extravaganzas , he’s provided you with , all your happy married life .

I was up at 3.45 this morn to take my little tin soldier and his lovely friend Susie to HRow T5 to start on their big adventure to Istanbul ( Ok , we all know their rucksacks will end up in Mombassa ). Last night we tried to install hypeyskypey, Susie was all sorted , but cos none of us Dwyers have been in the Boy Scouts ( although John sometimes dons the uniform ), we weren’t prepared so our webcam failed and it ended up with me hearing Jacob from his PC and Jacob hearing me through the wall ( I know I do have a loud voice )- some how i dont think this system will work across europe !

So , hopefully soon , it will be installed upstairs. So , if any of you have it , let me know and we can talk and look at each other – by the way Florence is looking for a model for life drawing – perhaps this is the answer…..

Anyway my little AF lovebubble , I am missing you already and hope you’ve found your luggage/hostel/Susie/shisha bar/kebeb house /blue Mosque ( its Eid – so huge celebrations ? ). And now get commenting – you could be the next Michael palin.

We had a lovely email and photos of Rosie on her Berlin School Trip from Amy Kerbel ,Rosie’s history teacher at Elthorne- I was very moved by what she wrote. I LOVE to hear things about Rosie i didn’t know – it is upsetting as she should be here , but it is a reassurance that people remember her . If anyone wants a copy of the photos let me know and I’ll email them to you.

Tonight lets raise our glasses to Jacob , Susie, Rosie and fingers crossed for our trip to West Mid hosp tomo . xxx

He strikes again

No prizes for guessing who wrote that last comment- he’s off to Istanbul tomo , so we’re having a cosy night in tonight watching ‘Midnight Express’.

I doubt if there’ll be anyone reading this today as you’ll all be stuck to your seats by Derren Brown .( no relation )

Last night and with a heavy heart , I watched ‘Strictly Come Dancing’. It was hard to watch , not because Aleisha was c**p, Brucie fluffed his lines, the audience don’t stop clapping and masking the music, Tess still can’t dance, Tess looks like’ that’ and shes just had a baby, Karen’s gone,there are too many people from Hollyoaks/Eastenders/The Bill who I don’t know ( why didn’t they ask Dave Lamb or Brendan from Coach trip ? )…BUT because The Final was the last ever TV programme I watched with Rosie.

Wheels on fire

Met up with my buddies in the ‘BOMP’ Soc. today – Bereaved Old Miserable Parents. It is very easy/emotional/sad/refreshing/theraputic/funny/empathatic to be with them. We laugh, cry , eat, drink etc etc – so it looks very ‘normal’ to the outside world- if only people knew how we feel inside.

Our Chevvy has gone , to be replaced by a bigger version.Jacob took it to Wickes about 2hours ago , and it hasn’t been seen since…………………….

Your fave M&S sandwich ? Grandma has asked for cheese.

Any of you with your detective hat on , will be thinking , why is she writing this now , while she should be entertaining Grandma at Brigstock . Well today has gone tits up, and i have an emergency appt at hosp at 4pm. So Grandma has had to put her visit to the dinosaurs on hold and enjoy having her youngest Grandson to herself a la Jardin du Brigstock with an M&S lunch. The dinosaurs are at Crystal palace park and we used to go there loads when we were kids, so it was to be a trip down memory lane.( it was to be there or Pevensey Bay , but not warm enough for the seaside ). Yo u’ll be pleased to know this afternoons appt is nothing to do with my near heart faliure this morning , when I came down to the kitchen at 6.30, bleary eyed, to find a strange man sitting on a chair and eating spaggetti, in the middle of the room. No not AF’s new bessy mate , but one of his sculptures.

It has to be good for you

I’m writing this in my lunchbreak and thinking about going onto the bbc singthingy website. I just love ‘The choir’ and want Gareth in my life – why didn’t he come to West Ealing ?

PS I am under no illusion – I cannot sing.

Washed out rag

Got back from work, all wet, weary, weedy and washed-out, only to be greeted on the doorstep by Izzy and a very bronzed Stu. What a lovely surprise ….the evening got better when Joe popped in with some beautiful photos of Rosie taken a year ago at ‘The curry night’ – I even remember dropping her off at the restaurant. As I have said before ,nothing good has come out of Rosie dying, but the love and support from some of her friends has been amazing. I love to see them and hear all their news, even if i keep thinking ,”Rosie should be doing that”. I will never understand why life was so cruel to her .

Ooh ooh ooh , come on and do the conga

If you can only ever have one CD, it has to be ‘Black Lace sings the party hits’. I’d forgotton quite how brilliant it is. This afternoon , i lost myself ( but ,thankfully, none of my students ) in Agadoo,Startrekkin, Ooops up side your head,I am the music man -disco style.Sadly I even knew all the moves.

Aah Bob thanks for your lovely entry , but just thought I’d better point out , the lamb was butterflied, stuffed with garlic and rosemary and cooked on the BBQ, NOT sacrificial !

Later that day……

We are so proud , all the boys did it . John’s time was 2hrs 3mins 40secs- it would have been less if he hadnt gone down the finnish sliproad after the first 10K – easily done, ,Bob did it too ! You’ll be pleased to know no-one was disqualified for nudity ( seriously , its in the rules), but there was one scary moment when doing the 20K cycle ride we all cheered John on , he took one hand off the handlebars to wave at us , lost control and the bike ( and John) did a dangerous wobble all over the road- time stood so still for all of us. but, like Lance , he took control and went on to wear his canary yellow jersy – not a colour that suits most people – no comment.

Lance Armstrong eat your heart out

THE BIG DAY- I hope all this training pays off. Today is the Richmond park Duathlon- 10k run, 20k cycle, 5k run. I shall be exhausted……all that cheering and drinking coffee. Yes you’ve twigged ,i’m not doing it . So good luck to Andrew, Bob, John and Richard – who we are so looking forward to see in all their lycra .

2 go mad in Thanet

Never trust a friend who says ”its just a 5 mile walk”………….10 miles on , and still walking, I began to have my doubts. Mandy planned this day out , we are still on our ‘explore kent’ kick. Well after getting off the train in Faversham at 11 , and immediately walking in the wrong direction and finding ourselves on an industrial estate, we turned around and ended up by the creek – from there on it was beautiful, if not long ! We walked along the River Swale to join the sea and ended up at The Neptune Pub at 5pm which is actually on the beach in Whitstable. Whitstable is fab and fishy , reminded me a bit of The river Blythe and Southwold. Then arriving back in victoria, the district line was down. Some copper who looked about 12 told us it was just Victoria tube that was closed , so we bussed it to Sloane Square , only to find it was the whole line – so we walked to knightsbridge. My toes look like 10 unpricked sausages this morning ( nothing new there then ! ) .

I’m a big fan of Y.O.

From the sublime to the ridiculous . MaccyD’s for lunch – AF and I waited 3hours with Grandmama in Brigstock for the GP to visit…by 2.30 we all decided we had malnutition and so AF was dispatched for supplies . The GP never came…………..

but tonight we have dined on Yotam Ottolenghi’s,broadbeany/lemony/shalloty/winey/sagnarelli/pecorino dish created by Florence= ab fab.

Joe- my treat. xxxxxxx

who needs Jamie Oliver when you’ve got JPD ?

Joe I’ll give you the money to get the photos printed ( to understand this , you have to read ‘a night at the movies’ ) – it means I get to keep those photos of Rosie for ever.Just pop in when you have a min- you can always bring us a GBK special !

Woke up this morning in the middle of a really weird dream . We lived in Elers Road, Geoffrey was having a bath and he flooded the house . J.R & F were little and so I took them to Walpole Park, but it was closed as there was a Labour Party rally on there – what does all that mean ?? Maybe Its cos I went to bed pining ** for P&K ?

I was all of a dither last night. Didn’t get in til 7.45 and after a gourmet meal of warm halloumi, roasted tom and chick pea salad , created by AF himself, I looked forward to bedding down for my weekly fix of Phil and Kirsty. Until John announced the footy was on . I just couldn’t settle to anything , so lay on the bed and sulked. Flo saw this as a golden opportunity to do a life drawing .The result was similar to that one Lucien Freud did on the Librarian (?), which sold for millions , yet she got peanuts for it, except i had my workclothes on. Good news for Flo , not so good for me . The night was redeemed by Derren Brown – we love him.

** Everynight I go to bed pining for Rosie and so I have to employ distraction therapy….Dave lamb, Jonathan. Ross from friends, Shaggy from Scooby Do,Brendan from Coach Trip , Amy Turtle etc etc

Who needs Jamie Oliver when you’ve got JPD ?

Joe, I will treat you to the photo’s . pop round and I’ll give you some dosh , cos then I’ll have those photos for life…thanks ( you have to read Joe’s response to ‘a night at the movies’ to get all this.)

Woke up at 6.30 in the middle of a really weird dream….we ALL lived in Elers Road , J,R & F were small. Geoffrey had a bath and flooded the whole house , so i took the kids to Walpole Park and we couldn’t get in as there was a Labour Party rally.What does that mean ? I think I went to bed pining ** having missed my fix of Phil and Kirsty. Didn’t get in til 7.45, sat down to a gourmet feast a la Jacob- a warm halloumi, roasted tom and chickpea salad, and was all ready to cosy up in front of my skybox , when John announced there was some football on . …so instead I lay on the bed and sulked until Flo did a life drawing of me. Sadly for me, it closely resembled that one by Lucien Freud of the librarian ( ? ). which sold for millions, yet she only got £s for. Obviously , thats not sad for Flo and I must add I had my work clothes on . The evening was redeemed by Derren Brown – we love him.

** I go to bed pining for Rosie EVERY night. Phil , Kirsty , Derren , Jonathan , Dave Lamb, Brendan from Coach trip , Ross from friends , shaggy from scooby doo, etc etc are just all part of my distraction therapy

What date is it ?

Why isn’t anybody telling me I’m loosing it all together….today is 09.09.09 and I thought it was yesterday ( this is NOT a joke ). God knows what day i txted Georgie to wish her a happy 20th .I got a txt today from Flo’s phone , from Jacob , to ask if he’d left his phone in the car , which I had taken to work .as he has just pointed out I replied ‘yes’ to his phone .( i know this is boring , but I’m worried about a) why i didnt realise he wouldnt get the txt B) why Flo’s not at school C) why am I at school , yet answering txts ? )….How much more til i’m sectioned ?

Number patterns

Jacob and Stu , talk about creepy ( no , not you two ) but I’m writing this at 9.09 on 09.09.09. I’m a size 9 ( well if you double it and add the number you first thought of and mutiply it by the square root of Jacob’s size nine shoe size ), I have nine students in my class and Rosie’s birthday is on the 9th…plus 9 is my reading age. Is this an omen ??

Daisy is in disgrace. I was carving the left-over cold roast beef, i turned my back for a second and she jumped up on the work surface and shot off with a nice rare slice in her mouth. Watching her chew it , lying next to my pond , with my toads croaking ( there has to a joke there somewhere ), it was like a scene from ‘Planet Earth ‘ – where’s David Attenbrough and his film crew when you need them ?

PS – I didn’t write this at 9.09 ( I was doing registration ) but it made for a better story

I’m pooped

Today I was back at the chalkface. I have a lovely class of 9 year 13 students. Obviously I can’t say much about my job ( as I need to keep it ), but i am lucky to be working with one of the nicest, funnest, warmest bunch of 17-18 year olds you could ever hope to meet ( except for Flo that is ).

I’ve been so busy I haven’t even sat down for ‘Coach trip’ yet and its 9pm !

A night at the movies

I have 2 big photos of Rosie on my fridge , that i love ( the photos ,NOT the fridge ). I put them there, so i get used to them as I love to see them , but it crucifies me at the same time , so looking at them everytime I am in the kitchen, eases the pain of looking at them for me. Reading that back , it sounds stupid , so I hope you are getting what I mean…I HAVE to see every photo there is of Rosie, but at the same time , the pain when I see them ,kills me. When people show me photos or her dialogue on ‘Facebook’, she seems so alive , and I feel so excluded from a private world you all have .I am not saying I want to be a member – thinking back to when I was 19 I would have loathed my Mum to listen or join in with any of my private conversations. I guess what I am asking you ( again) if you have any photos or dialogue you have of/with Rosie , please do print it off and give it to me. Anyway back to the point , these 2 photos. They are paricularly poignant as one was taken today a year ago . opposite lornas craft stall at Boston manor Fare, Rosie spotted the sigh ‘Hard Core’ and thought it was hysterical ( I don’t think it was referring to Lorna ), so i took her photo next to it. The second photo was taken in the Clarkes kitchen on Georgina’s 19th Bday on Dec 8th , by katie, at ‘Ladies who lunch’ – she looks so Goddam happy…

Last night was a sureal, hysterical experience. We went to Ham House to see ‘a night at the movies’ .In otherwords a load of middle-class , National trust members sit out side in the cold ( and rain at one point ), watching a movie they could have rented from blockbusters for £2 ! John was very confused ( after the 3rd beer – we didn’t take Pimms like everybody else – how common ) when the film started and there wasn’t a nun or mountain in sight – he thought he’d gone to see ‘A Sound of music’ and it was in fact ‘Mamma Mia’. You have to imagine the rest , at every song , people ( dressed up in character and not as Meryl in her dungerees ) ran up yo the front and started dancing – it was like a cross between Fame/ High School Musical and the X Factor. Then in the slow songs , middle aged women held their solar-powered- eco lamps up and swayed ( NOT a lighter in sight ), not a pretty sight when they are wearing a Kaftan, platform boots and a long blonde wig ( I had trouble getting Mandy to take hers off ). A visual feast and a huge pile of distraction therapy -the picnic was good too !

Not quite Bafta award winners

How I love those stories of Rosie and her friends when they were young …and we haven’t even got onto’ Girl Talk’- that famous exclusive club , yet !. Do you remember that life size doll Rosie had that you put your feet into its feet , velcroed its hands around your wrists and did cartwheels with ? Rosie LOVED it , for all of 10minutes , until she realised she couldn’t do a cartwheel. sadly none of the rest of us Dwyers could either, so couldn’t teach her, and so Rosie had to make to with walzing with her.

Just popped upstairs after my 3rd kir Royale. Hoping i can persuade Stu and Nikki to watch the first of a new series of ‘Coach Trip’ with me . Last night I had a night of carcrash TV , as i was babysitting next door- ‘4 Weddings’, followed by ‘A&E in Magalluff’- who needs BBC period dramas when you’ve got this classy stuff !?

A red mark

OK , I know I spelt ‘wearing ‘ wrong…but it’s early . Have a wonderful day everybody and during it , do one little thing for Rosie.

It’s hard to type wearimg armbands

Florence and I took Grandmama out to eat yesterday to a Chinese restaurant in Shirley Hills- a well known beauty spot, south of Croydon, that doubles up as a dogging site after dark – good job we went for lunch !

My treat last night ( everyday there has to be a treat – otherwise we really would go under with grief, and believe you me – swimming the 50lengths isn’t it , that is a practical way to attempt to raise my flagging energy levels – I’m toddling off there in a min. ) was ‘location, location, locaton’. I think my crush has moved from Phil to Kirsty.

Making the most of my last days of freedom

It felt like we were back in Morrocco yesterday, no not the heat, snake-charmers or having your teeth pulled out in the public square, but in a little oasis in Belgravia ( For all you non-Londoners , this is the very posh part , sort of Knightsbridge area ). AF, Flo and I went to ‘Ottolenghi’s’ ( sadly , I cut out his recipes from Saturdays Guardian ) deli and bought the most fab lunch – marinated monkfish in coriandery salady stuff, auberginey limey creamy pinenutty salad and a crisp broccoli salad and Forracia. ( Has anyone read the book ‘Toast’ – i think I am beginning to sound like a thick Nigel Slater ? ). We then toddled across the road and ate it in a little Morroccan garden in the basement of Rococco choc shop- and then finnished off with sea salt choc and cappa frappas.From there we did ‘culture’ at the Saatchi Gallery, and from there afternoon cream tea , sitting outside in a cafe somewhere just off Sloane Square……..we then split up. Rosie was with us every step of the way – she would have LOVED it. . The 2 amigo’s came home and I shot off to Butlers Wharf to meet a friend . Another fabulous part of London. ( only slightly spoiled by Jeremy Clarkson being in the same restaurant as us ). Geoffrey ( my Dad )used to work up there and they have done itthe whole area up. So we sat , dining al fresco , looking at the beaut view of Tower Bridge, The Tower of London and The Gherkin ( thats a building NOT dinner – although I am partial to a large sour pickled one ), having a 2 course dins for £10 clutching our Evening Standard offer !

Lost property

Georgina , I can only conclude you have altitude sickness . You know exactly what Grandma went to hospital for , but i’ll give you all a clue – it wasn’t for more hearing aid batteries.

Sadly Grandma is not a happy bunny at the mo- her shingles is really playing her up and she is having trouble sleeping . She phoned at 6am today to tell me she couldn’t sleep ( nor could we after that ) and so if any of you are in the vicinity of Thornton Heath and have an hour on your hands ( plus a complete medical kit ) , please do pop in and see her. After my early morning call ,my day when from bad to worse. I shot up to Sainsburies at 7.55, having been told it opened at 8 today, drove in , only to find it opened at 9. So went to drive out , only to find they had put the barrier down so i was locked in . Pressed the dam button and no soul came . So…….I had to reverse all the way up the ramp , go and bang on the door of the closed store and try and find someone who can help ( if that sounds easy – you haven’t been to W.Ealing Sainsburies ). I then shot off to Embankment to meet and greet the 3 Amigos off their coach from Reading – got stopped by a police check on the way, immediately outside Chelsea College of Art , they couldn’t understand why I was crying , so i gave them the potted version , and took the opportunity to check there was no congestion charge fee today.( there wasn’t ). Got to Embankment , bedded in by the river , then had a txt to say they were arriving at Victoria – so off I shot. again. The good news La Girlies are home safe and sound , and just as Jacob and Rosie on previous years – smelling of bonfires .

I have a black zip up fleecy , left at Matt & Kim’s after the 10K – does it belong to anyone ?

30.8.56

53 years ago little Johnnie Patrick Dwyer entered this world, clutching his wee spanner – he hasn’t let go of it yet . He was delivered by his Auntie Eileen , on the kitchen table ( well thats what he says – it was prob a private suite at Selly Oak hosp ) in His family home in Pershore Road , Birmingham. So although we are celebrating his wonderful , action-packed life ( get him to tell you about his exploits at The Reading festival ), it is another sad sad day without Rosie , she should be here….or at Reading or Brick lane or sleeping it off at Helens or toddling off to Waitrose or at a car boot fair or playing rounders at Hurley or ………………….

back to Marmite

I love the sea . After a stressy 4hour ( when it should take 2 – but double that when the M25 is closed) journey to bexhill-on-Sea. John and I cosied up in with The Dyers in their beach hut and had a fab Meditterean feast, a glass pf Prosecco and batoned down the hatches as it blew aforce 10 gale outside- we spared a thought for Flo holding her tent down in Reading , and psyching herself up to see Rosie’s all time international fave band ( Not the Broadways ) – Kings of leon.

Just got back from seeing a lovely, feel-good, gentle, funny,non gun welding, no swear words film…and true to form , i’ve completely forgotton its title . I think its’ mid-afternoon August Lunch’…and it is NOT the sequel to ‘dog day afternoon.

Has anyone tried the Marstones Pedigree ( it’s a beer not a dog ) limited edition Marmite ? We’ve had the Champagne and The Guiness ones , but at £3+ a jar , I’m too mean to buy it til it gets the thumbs up.

2 meals out

Lorna , I’m flattered you think Declan and I are that clever to think up a code . But I will tell you this – his ostriches are huge and he keeps them very clean !

Had some A.D.T. last night – no its not like WKD( a drink for teenagers ) or ADHT ( what I used to have ) or RAC ( what my car has ), but Amazing Distraction Therapy. (Are you noticing I’m keeping up the code theme ? ). Sarah and I went to see ‘Forbidden Broadway’ – ( keeping up the Musicals Theme ) – it was fauloso. If you like musicals, smut, clever lyrics, good acting , great singing , an audience full of old queens (incl us ), laughter, striptease, champagne. a2 course meal for £10, pinot grigio in a plastic glass – go and see it . Don’t go if you are a fan or relative of Cameron Mackintosh,Kevin Spacey,Elton John or Lord Andrew himself.

Of course there was more drama earlier , Jacob, Grandma and I at The Hosp ( still DON’T ask what for ). We then shot off up the counrty lanes of Surrey for lunch in the White Bear at Chelsham . Grandmama tucked into her deep fried canembert and brandy and coke.( not all on the same plate )

Notes from across the pond

Georgina, how wonderful to hear from you . I love the sub-blogs ( far more interesting than mine ), keep us updated with your adventures.Your day tomo , sounds nearly as exciting as mine – taking Grandma to a 10am hospital appt in croydon .Don’t ask what for ??!! Didn’t you pack any marmite to go with your cream crackers ?

Not quite Rodin

Yesterday we went to the most barking-mad sculpture park ”The pride of the Valley’. I think the owner thought he was in Wales ,not Surrey, as he’d adorned the outside with dragons and daffodils ! It was the most beautiful setting , hills, valleys , trees, wildflowers , lakes, streams, waterpalls, tiny paths ….shame about the sculpture! There was some fabulous stuff, mainly from Zimbabwe alongside some absolute dross. The added bonus was there was a lovely pub opposite and you were free, once you’d paid your entrance fee and got your 9 page guide to the sculptures, to come and go as you pleased ….so we did pub/sculpture/pub/sculpture/pub. Needless to say we didn’t buy ‘le piece de resistance’ the 4 men of the apocolypse, made entirely out of dirty junk , for £19,000 !

Got home to find AF multi-tasking . Sticking down the collage squares while making cookie-dough ( yes- the actual cake mix ) icecream, he still had time to watch ‘Coach-Trip’ with me !

”Tits and Arse” **

NO, X Factor and Limelight do not count as show stopping , never to be forgotton musicals . Nor , does RENT. Did anyone have the misfortune to see that shouty, tuneless load of dross – it is the only musical I ( plus Sarah and Theresa ) walked out of.

But ‘A Chorus line ‘ was amazing. Do you have any moments in your life when you’ve laughed so much , you’ve gone hysterical and can’t breathe ? I have about 4 , and one of these was when Mum,Dad ,Phil,Eileen, Jane and i went to see ‘A Chorus line’ at The Theatre Royal Drury Lane @1975 ( ???). You probably all know that my sister Jane was tiny – 3’11” tall , as she had a condition called ‘Achondraplasia . Well , we all sat down, Jane on 2 of those raised square theatre cushions. The overture started , there was an air of tension and excitement , when the woman in front turned round and said ”would you mind getting your feet off my shoulders” – Jane’s legs had gone into spasm , shot up and sat nicely on the woman in front. We went mind blowingly hysterical – Eileen had to go and stand at the back for the whole first half as she couldn’t calm down…

Yesterday , the 4 of us were taken out to lunch in a lovely pub ‘The Shaven Crown’ in the Cotswolds. We met up with Nanny and 2 of John’s sisters ,Ann and Mary and brother in law , Rick. Food was fab , i opted for the healthy option ( not ) , lemon sole in anchovy butter( plus chips ) , followed by bread and butter pudding and custard , not quite WW.

Wickes have just delivered the wood for the collage , would you believe company policy does not let them carry it into the house – so guess which carthorse has just carried 11 huge pieces in …I think i should have moved John’s bike first ! In preparation for Jacob’s great mounting ( ?). last night i scanned all the backs of the collages , cos now these won’t be on show BUT your wonderful faces will be. I know i have mentioned it before , but the collages are to be mounted on wood not perspex and so if you have written on the back it will not be seen . So instead , on the back of the whitewashed, gridded up wood, will go a photo of you ( preferably with Rosie – no probs if you don’t have one ), on glossy photographic paper – so please dig one out , get a ‘snappy snaps’ type copy and get it to us , thanks. Thank you for writing the most beautiful, funny, poetic, things about my lovely daughter- it was hard to read them, and it feels truly surreal, I often think this is all one big dream

** Before you think I’m gettin smutty – this is the title of a song from ‘A Chorus Line’ so back you go onto ‘U Tube’ – I dread to think what comes up – just DON’T do it at work !

My beautiful girl

I just sat down at the PC , after having an ‘Allize sunrise ‘ cocktail ( not to be recommended, unless you want a severe sugar overload ) created by Stu, Laura ,Jacob and Flo under the direction of the lady at Dallas Winestore ( and no , she is NOT the star of ‘Debbie does Dallas’ )at the top of our road, to tell you that I forgot to mention ‘Goodbye Mr Chips’ last night – Jane and I loved that one ,esp The School Song and London is London ( you can prob listen to them on Ubendtubething )when……………………I saw the new photos of Rosie . Wow wow wow. Thank you again Bert for choosing such wonderful, happy,alive photos , but it is like someone has punched me in the stomach. The love I have for her is mindblowing and I will say til the day i die – my heart is broken.

John and I did our 3rd stint this afternoon at Ealing Soup Kitchen (After Jacob and John had done a 23mile bike ride while Lance Armstrong and I read the papers and went for a swim ). The people are so lovely there , polite , grateful, kind, funny, drunk, sad lonely etc etc- we get as much out of it as they do. For me ,it is the same feeling i get at work – totally unjudged with a raw honesty.It is a positive distraction for both of us.

Theres no business like….

Went to see ‘Sister Act’ today . Bloody good, but not in my top 4 musicals- and you know how I love a good showtune . I think it goes back to my childhood, sharing a room with Jane , and singing songs from the musicals every night when we went to bed . Our favourites were- Camalot , Fiddler on the roof and Oliver . BUT the ultimate was The Sound of Music. I’m not saying I’m bitter , but Jane was always ‘Maria’ and i was always the dam nun or a Von Trapp kid.

Late entries !

Edward and Laura you do need to keep up!!

Edward , my brainy neice had already put Ottowa on next days bloggy .

Laura , of course you can come and catch crabs with us , but , whoeverwins – we split the £50 prize ( unless I win , then i get to keep it )

John’s got a new bike

Eight months ago today , we said goodbye to Rosie . I miss and long for her more every single day .

Cos my heads in a bad place , I’ll do an inhead brainstorming session.

Felt absolutely cream crackered yesterday after my mountainous ( well hilly) walk. Poor Grandma had to put up with me in a zombie like state – don’t think she noticed , too busy getting her gnashers round her wonderful ,homemade steak and mustard sandwich . We dined al fresco in Le Jardin de Brigstock , until the force 10 gales blew us inside.

AF has been busy putting the 130, 21cm painted acylic square , collage of Rosie together – it looks AMAZING…Holly , Amy W. and laura came round to see it. They made us Margaritas with the added secret ingredient- lemon sorbet ( not a joke ) – all those little mexican bars will be serving them now.

Thanks to everyone who created a square . NOW….we would like a glossy photo of you , preferably with Rosie . So if you have one ,please get down to ‘snappy snaps’ , get a copy and send it to us ( less than 21cm x 21cm )- all will be revealed 14- 18 December.

We said Au revoir to ours and Rosie’s amazing friend Georgie – that means one less blog commentor – she is off to climb MachuEverestwindowsHorsedenhillpichu. We will miss her. Just one word of advice- DON’T put in a bogus insurance claim – we need you here !

Had lunch today with 2 lovely bereaved mothers . To anyone looking in , we were just like the women on sex in the city ( except there was 1 missing and 1 that looked like she’d just stepped out The Jeremy kyle show – me ). So tonight when you have that lovely first glass of chilled white, raise your glasses to Angela, Anthony and Rosie , who were cheated of their precious lives.

We love the south coast

Well done Sarah . I always knew my family were geniuss – geniii- never was any good at Latin. in fact i was so bad i got chucked out and put into the Classical backround ( i.e. remedial )group , but i loved it , drawing all those doric, colonic and corinthian columns. Georgina, a good effort , even though you used you IT skills – in other words , cheated., shows initiative though.

Did an AMAZING walk today. …..train to Seaford ( a sleepier Eastbourne . ) Walk along the beach and up the cliff ( Went quiet at this bit – too busy concentrating on my breathing ) and over the cliffs with ‘The Seven Sisters’ and turquoise seas in view the whole time. Picnic in a secluded cove. Come down the cliff at Cuckmere Haven and walk up the river to ‘The Golden Galleon’ , a couple of glasses of Sussex’s finest Pinot Grigio and a bag of cashews. No 12 bus to Eastbourne , train , crossword and general hysteria when the woman opp put her limegreen sarong over her head to try to get to sleep, followed by another passenger coming to my aid when I lost one of my shoes – somehow it ended up 3 rows of seats behind !

Now go and put all those paces into Googlyimages and see what you think .

Oh we do love to be beside the ………

Georgina , you are so close ..But,sadly wrong . It begins with an O , and the population is 1,148.800 ( similar to W.Ealing )…….keep trying .

My therapy today is water-based . No, NOT , colonic irrigation – thats next week when John digs the hose out of the shed , but the sea . This week I’ve remembered to pack my cossie , armbands, jetski etc ….

Welcome home

Rosie’s lovely friend Katie is back from her gap year . She has done all the usual stuff , had an affair with a mountie , wrestled with a grizzly bear, learnt the language – can you guess where she’d been . No not somewhere north of Watford Gap – although it was a good guess, yes you’ve got it ….Canada. She ( and we ,including Natchat ) knew so much about the country , that none of us could answer ‘what is the capital?’ So John got on tinternet and now we know. A prize to the first person who can answer without the use of any I.T./marital/mobility aids.

Grandma- living art

Next year Dec, we’ll be over. We will celebrate Neal’s 41st and swim with Dottie – which I imagine is very similar to swimming with dolphins ?!

I am sensory overloaded. The day started with a fabulous shiatsu massage and general therapy session with my friend Fashadeh. I whizzed home via Waitrose. Its the only dam place i can get Grandma’s suckies and Daisy’s catfood. I take a sharp intake of breath before I go in and avoid going past the cheese section it crucifies me every time. Then I had my Birthday present from my wonderful team at work – a reflexology massage. A lovely lady, Pui, came to the house and she had the delights of doing my feet for an hour . Her job wasn’t helped that I’d sliced my big toe open on Sat night ( look away Ann ) and so she had to work round the bandage ! After coffee at Roccoco’s chocolate shop ( sadly the choc kitchen was closed for the hols- but the lovely Turkish terrace was open ), we went to see the ‘Abstract America’ exhibition at the Saatchi Gallery. If you have been , don’t you think Grandma would fit in well in in Gallery 13 ”Old persons Home 2007” .? If you haven’t get clicking – it must be on googletubeimages somewhere.

So I did all the things Rosie loves , and as usual I held her hand and whispered to her. Tonight she will love – I am going out for a drink with a friend !

Are you watching ‘the race’ tonight?

Georgie , i think to see patrick’s photos you have to go to ‘off myspaceface,I’m a twitter/login/ com’ – or something similar. When Flo told Grandma she’d been to a life drawing class , Grandma replied with ” can’t anyone in your family study a proper subject?” – nice to know we have her full backing !

Just returned from a lovely lunch chez Maynards- it was like being abroad, dined al fresco , drank pink fizz, had my feet licked ( by Tally – their dog ) and had the best brushcetta I’ve ever had.

Dining Al Fresco

Lorna, I hate to tell you this – but you don’t have a cuboard under the stairs .So where have you been hiding this time ??

Sadly ,I have to tell you we have an impersonator in the camp. 2 nights ago my heart missed a beat when I saw i had 6 responses – a record. Until all was revealed later on when AF said he had written 3 of them – so apolojies to Flo and Thomas – although I still think the wrapper question was a good one ( you can’t really beat the iconic purple dairy-milk ) . Holly was yours the real mcCoy – or does AF have to be sent to his room ….again !?

Today ,Florence, Jacob and I took Grandmama out for a picnic – it was all going swimmingly until Jacob threw the frisbee and it landed cms from a 10day old baby’s head ! We told Grandma about Rosie’s exhibition and asked if she’d like to go . Her response was ”No thanks- I’m not interested in that sort of thing ” , followed up by ”have you sent those paintbrushes to kenya yet?” Something tells me she’s not right behind this charity !

Patrick – your photos of NYC are amazing – love all the atmospheric shadowy shots , and the one on Brooklyn Bridge is so different to the one of Rosie on the Bridge – yet taken from nearly the same spot.

difficuilt one

sorry thomas , i forgot to answer your question ….My favourite wrapper is dime bar , closely followed by curly whirly – yours ?

I’m lost

Bloody hell , whats going on? i get back from a day out from leigh – on Sea ( didnt k T Tunstall write a song called that ?) and its all kicked off and most of it I haven’t a clue whats its about….I still listen to Elvis on my Sony walkman when I’m driving – who needs Ipod/tunes/discthingies when you’ve got your old faithful ‘Miss Marple Investigates’ story tapes ?

dates for your diary

Thanks to all who sent Florence , cards and gifts – they mean a lot. As I’m sure you can appreciate , memorable days are hard to celebrate – our hearts are broken and we yearn for Rosie. But thanks to Florence’s lovely friends, Fifi,Nat,Georgie and Izzy calling round /takeaway pizza/pink fizz/sunshine/txts/beautifully worded handmade cards/homemade banana and choc cake( I made it – so watch out Nigella – anyone can do it with or without the suggestive finger licking !) /laughter/holiday stories/photos/tempura veg/pad thai/big brother, Florence’s 17th Bday was celebrated, with Rosie in our minds’ eye every minute of the day.

Jacob and I went up to Chelsea and met a lovely man, Alan, who has agreed to let us use the fabulous triangle space for Rosie’s exhibition. I won’t tell you too much yet , cos there is lots to be decided , but the dates are 14- 18 Dec – so start booking your flights ( don’t bother if you live in London ), days off etc etc

Off to Leigh on Sea today – well I’ve got to get out of london -Flo has her first driving lesson !

A born naturalist

This time 17years ago Jacob , Rosie and I were setting off to meet Maria,Anne,Christine, Lorna and all their kids at ‘The 1 OClock Club’ in lammas Park. I looked pretty much as I do now , like a beached whale, but at least then I had the excuse , I was 41 and a half weeks pregnant. We all met up , flask and biccies were out , kids playing in the cat wee infested sandpit and then the heavens opened..so what did Rosie do ? ….took ALL her clothes off and ran around the playground ! She would not come back to me and thought it such a huge game , Lorna ran after and manage to persuade her ,it was a good idea to put some clothes on. That afternoon I went into labour and that night My beautiful Florence was born.

It sounds silly , but I knew Florence would be a girl as my Mum had boy ,girl,girl. My brother had boy,girl,girl, and I already had boy,girl….My neice, Sarah, went on to have boy,girl,girl. So it must be in the ‘ Brown’ genes. My Mum’s maiden name was Brown and she married Geoffrey brown and so all my Grandparents were Browns – OK ,i know its a really common name !

We’ve won already

Well the good news is Jacob’s up for entering next year .The bad news is , Lorna sounds interested , but wants to cheat . But, thinking about it, with Jacob’s fish counter connections and lorna’s cunning , I reckon we could stuff a couple of huge ones ( NOT dressed of course – the mayo would give the game away ) down John’s speedo’s and let them loose halfway through the comp – brilliant. Then it’ll be Adnams all round in ‘The Anchor ‘. !

Just got in from a day out on the Isle of Thanet – actually its not theoretically an Island , but used to be. Mandy and i got the train to Broadstairs( beaut ) and walked to Margate ( dump- remember it on The Apprentice ?), but the walk was stunning- white chalky cliffs, golden powdery sand, 7 bays and turquoise sea. if you’d stuck a little taverna in there, i could have had a ‘Shirley Valentine’ moment.

Issy , when are you coming do see ‘The SOC plus others, does sport photos’ ? It is so hard to see photo’s of Rosie I haven’t seen before , but as john pointed out – she looks so happy .

Aplojies , i forgot to give my thanks to Alison for dropping the photos round and to Mr McDougall for taking them , printing them and being such a brill form tutor to Rosie. She told me , that when the Head made her stand up in assembly and walk out ( for talking – now theres a surprise ), she felt such a fool , But once back in her tutor room , Mr McDougall gave her his full support – thanks , it meant so much to her.

My 2 precious lovebundles return to me tomo.

Crabbing Results

4 5/8 ounces was the winner of the Walberswick Crabbing Championships

1.metric hasn’t hit Suffolk yet

2. David Morrissey presented the prize- now he could have wieghed my crabs any day of the week – I thought he was fantastic in ‘Blackpool’- anyone else see it ?

3. Isnt David married to married to Esther freud , who was my pub buddy ( well she sat 2 tables away from me ) on Thurs night ?

4.The prize was £50

5. Who is up for it next year ?

6. The winner used fish bait as food – my crabs prefer an old pork sausage.

400metres

I’m like a washed out rag ( no changes there then ) . I’ve just got back from doing my 50 lengths. Today was one of those days where we had no energy , so after an exhaustive shop ( 8minutes max in John Lewis and that included me going for a wee and then spending £64 ), we decided to do ‘fitness’. I went for a swim,whereas while as I type John is at a ‘spinning class.’ He chose that one as he thinks its probably similar to swinging ,but involes a bike and Kylie songs- hope he comes back energised !

On a fitness theme Alison dropped us off some photos, that Mr McDougall (Rosie’s form tutor – who she loved ) took at sports day. I spotted many budding athletes – Lana, Stu, Izzy, laura,Holly,Danielle,Manpreet etc , but the one who was running neck and neck with my Rosie ,was………….Nicky B. So I’ve submitted your name and details to the 2012 Olympic Selection committee – if we are away on ‘Coach trip’, I’m afraid you’ll have to pull out.

Its judged on weight NOT size

To save you all reaching for your atlas’s. Walberswick is in Suffolk , just south of Southwold. It is alternatively known as ‘Hampstead on Sea’ – due to the luvvies moving up there and buying all the properties, so the locals have to move to somewhere outside Norwich ( not Hampstead – although that would seem a fair swap ! ).We have been going there fo about 25years ( i.e. before the luvvies )

Today is their biggest day of the year – The national crabbing championship – pity john and I had to come home , John had left his pork chop ** in the sun for 3 days !

** that wasn’t a dooble entendre , crabs love rotting meat !

our mini break

Just woken up and realised i didnt tell you any of the stuff we did in Walberswick as I was just too sad. Well………..this time yesterday I was swimming in the sea with Shirley-Ann, Caroline,Matthew,Sarah,Kate,Carlo and Tilly the dog – it was beautiful .The light in Norfolk is amazing .We then all had coffee sitting outside S.A.’s beach hut – bliss. John and I did a wonderful walk – amazing since I’ve been going there for 22years and never done this one before – we walked across the heath To Dunwich , and then back to Walberswick across the beach – only about 6miles , but hard on the knees , walking on shingle. Yesterday we walked into Southwold, and did the usual – ferry/gallery/pier/icecream/people watched/dreamed of buying a camper van etc etc.

Over the 3 days , of course there were the usual crab sandwiches, cream teas,wasps,birdspotting and best of all people spotting. Esther Freud ( wrote Hideous Kinky and daughter of Lucien )was in the pub on Thurs night and then on Fri night ,Emma Freud and Richard Curtis , sat at the next table to us dor dinner. So I expect you’ll see John and I popping up in the next ‘Vicar of love actually who is rocking the boat in notting hill’ !

Holidays

Everytime I go away , come back and log on to Rosie’s website, I see her photos’ and it is like someone has punched me in the stomach. My love for her is so big , there are NO words to describe it and my grief is so overwhelming, it crucifies my heart, body and soul- I love her so much and feel so sorry for her , that her life was taken away from her. Also for John, Jacob and Florence, that she has been taken away from them and they feel as crap as I do. Going away is a huge effort, please do not assume we have moved on / are better/ things have changed. I sometimes feel people feel happier about themselves being happy , if they feel we are happy. Well sadly , we are not happy , but do not resent the fact you are – you still have your complete families , the most precious things in the world. Don’t be fooled , we can all put on a good mask ( not for long though , it is too exhausting ) A holiday is a big distraction , but also a huge reminder that Rosie should be with us.

We are off again

Its all muggy in Ealing . I went back and saw my babies – I haven’t seen them for 4 weeks. Since rosie died I have walked in Kew Gardens about once a week and watched my cygnets grow from tiny little fluffy things to big grey fluffy things, they are nearly as big as their mothers now . Was it danny kaye who sang their song ?

Florence has jetted off to sunny Spanish shores with 23 of her closest friends. So John and i are jetting off to Walberswick for a couple of nights. No doubt we’ll catch crabs – Rosie loved it there , esp the white choc bread and butter cheesecake !

1 day out

I’m really loosing it – just sat down for a cosy hour with Phil , and he’s not on til tomo night – I thought today was Wednesday – sadly it is now.

An exhibition

Declan , are you excited , Phil returns to our screens tonight ? We don’t care that his firm has gone bankrupt, his shirts are too tight and Kirsty puts him down all the time – he’s still our channel 4 pin-up.

Exciting news, it is highly likely ( I have a meeting Thursday week ) that we can hold Rosie’s exhibition in The triangle Space, Chelsea school of Art 14-18 December 2009- so you will be able to see YOUR work ( remember the 2 squares you did), plus Rosie’s ,some of her friends and family( prob not Grandma )’s displayed proffessionally in a wonderful setting. As you will realise , December will be a very hard month for us, Rosie’s 20th Birthday on the 9th and then the saddest day of the year ( I’m guessing marginally sadder than the other 364 ) the 21st December – I won’t even bother mentioning Christmas etc. So this will be a huge , positive project …once again I ask for your support .

Ms Li performs

Old Lykke gets around , doesn’t she ? Adam saw her in Southwold , now she’s popped up in NYC – both places Rosie loved. Jacob , how spooky about ‘The Manhattan Diner’ so glad you went there , shame about the beer . Do you remember that first one / We’d been in USA 2 hours and 10 of us sat down to burgers , fries and beers – heaven. In 2 more hours we were up the top of The Empire State and an hour after that , we’d lost Helen and Rosie !

Flo has used a crate of charcoal today – been to her first life-drawing class, while poor John went to work, Richard and Lise went up to town and I went walking with my friend , Angela.

Sorry , a domestic entry , Jacob I have sent you an email from Chelsea – not your host, the college. keep having a ball !

Who needs culture ? Us obviously ….

Oh Jacob, what atime we all had- remember the next day when Dad and i rendezvous’d at the wrong place/ the heat in Parc Gruell/falling asleep on the open top bus and saying sod-it to the Miro Museum etc etc. I have such happy happy memories of all our holidays ( including the rows and the map reading, driving , too cold air con , killer ants etc etc ). If we could just turn the clocks back , even for just one day a year- our lives would be complete again. I know you are in NYC with people who care deeply about you, so go out and really do all the stuff you ( and Rosie ) love and try and fit in a little visit to our famous holiday haunt ‘The Manhattan Diner ‘ and have beer ( legitimately this time ) and cheesecake and raise your glass to your beautiful sisters.

Nikki- Marlon has my vote – I hate all this tactical voting . Maybe you and me should apply to go on – we would hear the biggest PHAH from Rosie.Does anyone else out there watch ‘Coach Trip’ – it is my daily therapy

Richard and Lise took us out for a fab lunch today to celebrate Richard’s 60th .( I know , you’re thinking surely my brother must be 30, but alas no -BUT I am the baby by 9years ) . They picked up Grandmama and we all met up at the restaurant in Dulwich Picture gallery . We sat 50metres away from Rembrants, Gainsboroughs etc, but just like The Miro’s , we thought sod it , who needs to see masterpieces , when you’ve got plenty at home – lets have another bottle of wine.

Rambling up thr Ramblas

Before you read this , read the comment under the ‘New York , New York ‘ entry.

Wow , Chelsea , lovely to hear from you. That is spooky that you wrote as last night we were talking about you ! Sarah and Richard , joined Richard and Lise , John and me for a BBQ ( butterfly lamb – very nice though I say so myself ) and we were talking about your stay in London , was it 4 years ago ? I remember that first day , it was a Friday , i picked you up , we had coffee, i applied to adopt you, you had a rest and then some of your crowd went out with some of Jacob’s crowd for a drink.The next morning I asked if you’d had a nice time and you said yes, you’d been to a local pub ….and there had been a fight . Welcome to London – who needs culture ? From then on , it was one big social whirl……then there was the time in Deans Gardens …!?

Don’t worry , we hadn’t neglected Flo, while we were bbqing , she was round at Stu’s for cocktails, Bombay Mix, Baclava and other delicacies too numerous to mention.

Was woken this morning at 6.30 , by a txt from Claire in Cyprus – I still love getting txts, it sounds silly , but it shows me people care and don’t think ‘I am better’ – as someone asked me this week .

Keep thinking about this Saturday a year ago, we all went on holiday to Barcelona. I picked Jacob up from his shift at Waitrose at 1.15 and our taxi arrived at 2. By 9pm we were sitting in ‘Toller a Tapas’ ( recommended by Paula and Nik ) having a huge jug of sangria.Then at around midnight we walked down to the sea , fed the fish and then Jacob and Rosie went and found the Mojito bar. One week later, John , Flo and I waved Rosie and Jacob off at Reus airport and greeted Nat and Fiona, who flew in on the same plane R&J were getting on ( do you know Ryanair have a 20min turnaround ? ). I know I’m rambling , but I was thinking about how the whole family laughed at me when i cried on saying goodbye to J&R – and they were only gone for a week……………..

life in numbers

swam 50 lengths ( hair is now turquoise )

cleaned out pond and found 9 frogs

ate 3 chocolates – Florence made me open the box ( ate loads of other stuff as well , too many numbers)

had 4 replies to last bloggy thing- 2 were the same , so I guess its really 3.

love 3 children

have 1 broken heart

Visitors

7pm – This might be a quickie , just waiting for Richard and Lise to arrive – they have flown in today at 8am from Copenhagen, having a long stopover at that well known interchange – Brigstock Manor. Now they can experience that wonderful 17mile bumper to bumper drive to Ealing.

10.30. they’ve arrived safely. We’ve eaten , drunk and talked , and I’ve even managed to squeeze in todays ”coach trip .” Nikki what do you think of the blonde haired guy with ‘the bob’ – he looks like somrthing out of Blackadder !

Honesty- is it the best policy / Debate…

Helen C – we LOVE Stu’s bad influence -so bad shes taken to sickbay today – we all wish her well, and hope you are all round there now , mopping her brow and not sloping off the The Jazz Fest ( I know where Rosie would have been ). You are all welcome here anytime.

Flo and I took Grandma to the pub for lunch , her words on leaving Brigstock were ”sod it waiting for the painkillers , I’ll have a stiff drink instead ”.I think we should introduce her to Stu.

Forget to mention, I had coffee with a friend yesterday who said ( seriously ) ”you are like me, when you have spent time in the sun and pool – your hair goes green”.

Thanks everyone for telling me.

New York New York

My phone has had ‘ a second coming’. So all your witty txts and invites can resume.

As I type ,Jacob is riding on the clouds, coffing champagne and watching ‘Marley and me’ – he’s probably sobbing on Patricks shoulder by now. Yes , the dynamic duo have conquered Glastonbury and are now off to ‘The Big Apple, to stay with a friend of ours, Chelsea , and her parents Bill and Hilary. They have tickets for an all day festival in New Jersey, with Coldplay headlining , and for a seperate Arctic Monkeys gig. I’m still trying to get them tickets for ‘The brotherhood of Man’. Jacob tried to sign up for a 5K run ‘running for Rose’ ( a lady who died tragically at an early age, and a run has been dedicated to her), but the registration had closed.- what a shame , that would have been really special. I hope they have a ball……

…………..Chelsea’s parents aren’t really called Hilary and Bill, I made that bit up .

techy troubles

My brain has stormed again, so more memories….

‘gotta be starting something”, sung at every opportunity ( thanks Sarah for the senior moment nudge ). The game with no name , leading to the mime of ”get up, stand up” followed by a rendition by the 10 strong Bob Marley appreciation society. We all, except Michael ,Sarah and John , having a Brazilian one day…….she was called Roberta and gave us all a massage. No kinky group thing ( although Jacob did ask ), just an hour each on her special bed.We then washed off our oil in the swimming pool , and no , that wasn’t the day I fell in the pool.

Had a near disaster with my phone last night. It was like The Walton’s parlour round here. John and I were painting our squares at the table, Jacob was on his PC ( yes, i know Walton’s Mountain didn’t have WiFi ), while Florence, Stu and Helen C, dogged back a bottle of Pinot Grigio, when all of a sudden i knocked my water over . Jacob lept into action , lifting his Mac, while I lifted my artwork . leaving my phone in the puddle. It then wouldnt work . But I then I remembered , Rosie had washed 3 phones on a full washing load with a 1500 spin cycle ( bet you’ll all be rushing around here with your smalls now ) and 2 had survived. So I took it apart – the phone not the washing machine , and have left it to dry in the hot cuboard , so watch this space.

A week away

I’m up with the lark doing stacks of washing.Once awake I have to get up and ‘get doing’.Laying in is no longer a pleasure – especially on Sundays.

Well, we all had a lovely time. The villa was stunning ,set in a valley , so the views were amazing. I think I spent 99% of my time with my arse wedged in a huge rubber ring , bobbing about in the pool. I think its an age thing , but I can’t sit /read/ snooze in the sun anymore – I have to have my extremities in water !.By the end of the week i had perfected the art of lauching myself, from a standing position , holding the ring on my backside, backwards into the pool. By day 4 , the pool had lost one third of its water !

There is too much to write about, so these are my brainstorming memories…….sardines (the game and the starter ). Sarah winning ‘living cluedo’ twice- i think the best murder was Fiona in the shower with Michael’s pants ( don’t ask ). The pool relay. Georgina organising the Mexican wave( lick , swallow , suck ) with tequila shots , in beautiful Pollensa. Florence being called ‘sweetie sweetie’ by the waiter. The tapas – esp the edible shark ( always better than an inedible shark ).Watching les enfants dive through a pile of inflatable rings . Jacob swimming 2 lengths underwater.quoting ”first to…..” Richard and John playing tennis in 100degree heat and Sarah supporting her husband ( I was wedged in my ring at time ,and someone had to keep an eye on everyone in the pool ). the beautiful house , garden , terraces. Travel scrabble.John boasting he’d never been beaten at draughts – I did , twice ! Being called over the tannoy at Majorca airport – we were the last ones on the plane. Swimming in the sea in beautiful Cala Clara and being bitten by something ( not John ). The ‘Can Martorell challenge- tennis/table tennis/ draughts/dominoes /contract whist- funny that John organised it, all things he’s good at. Midnight swims. Jumpy and Kacky.Vitiligo. DJ Nat by the pool. Singing. A fly invasion. BBQing in the dark. Paella.The Michael Jackson song we all sang , which has gone completely out of my mind ( so please someone quickly put me out of my misery ). San Miguels.Me being the only one to fall in the pool , complete with shoes, sunglasses and sarong.

Once again , a huge thanks to Sarah, Richard, Michael, Georganina and Natalini for taking us away with them , and also to Fifi for being a lovely kind fellow holiday friend. Throughout the whole week Rosie was in my head , she should have been there, but as we all know , life can be very cruel . Thank God for friends, and whenever I raise my glass . it is always to ‘Good Health’- because everything else can ‘be sorted’.

We’re home

Just a quickie , we are home safe and sound , glowing and about 2 stone heavier. A huge thanks to ALL the Clarkes for taking us on a lovely holiday…we couldn’t have done it with just the 4 of us .We just won’t mention who came 10th out of 10 in ‘The Can Martorell Challenge’ Rosie would have phah’d at me – God how i miss her.

Thanks also to Bert for refreshing the photos( remember F5 ). That photo of Rosie was taken around this time 2 years ago, on Brooklyn Bridge. We were in NYC with The Maynards and we had an amazing time. I’m so glad we had all those wonderful holidays .

Happy Hols

Nat, and I thought the top corner was a Tracey Emin -( or a Tracey Beaker )- I never knew you had so much talent.

We are off on our hols tomo. The Clarkes are kindly taking us away to a villa . Flo has packed her tennis whites, Jacob his rubber ring and John his bicycle clips. I have the new Sarah Waters book – but nothing can be as good as Fingersmith. It is the first family holiday,in 19years I have been on without Rosie. I am taking her with me. Her passport is tucked inside my handbag and I will write and talk to her everyday. How she loved Spain, especially sticking her fingers into everyones food ! I know we we shall be looked after and it is comforting being with people who love us.

Did anyone see the lady on the 10K crouch down and have a wee ? Apparently Ian did. It wasnt someone with Rosies face on her back I hope !

Adam txted me today , he is at Latitude.Lykke Li is playing – she is SO rosie.

Enjoy your week xxx

Memories

I am writing this squished up against the computer as Af has had the perspex delivered and has laid out half of Rosie’s face , in squares , on the floor – it looks amazing , especially her mouth. Now which bit did I do ??.

Don’t know if you ever look at Rosie’s justgiving page , but 2 separate strangers have made donations – I am very moved by this. When we all piled on the train at Northfields on Sunday , one lady gave £10 to Suzie, as she was so taken with us in our teeshirts. Then a couple of days ago , someone called Nick gave £10 as he too had seen the teeshirts and had looked up the website. So if you 2 ever read this – a huge thank you – it was so kind of you.

Jacob, Florence and I took Grandmama out to lunch today , up to The Rookery, we kept her out long enough ,so she missed Judy’s exercise class. Grandma was very disappointed that everyone took the run seriously ( all except 2 ) and didn’t pop into St.Stephen’s Tavern , opp The Houses of Pariament and next to Westminster Tube, to have a G&T. This was the pub she was living and working in , when she met Grandpapa.

so long, farewell………

Feeling mighty guilty at the moment as it was my last day with my 10 students and i just couldnt face saying goodbye to them. Goodbyes are very hard for me. I care deeply for them and will miss them so much , their interaction with me is uncomplicated and the pride I have in them enormous. I send them all the love in the world , and hope they stay in good health.

I did manage to say goodbye to Sarah , Kristian , Thor, Frig & Gro- the house is a quieter place without them. The neighbours are probably relieved – after last nights water fight!

An illicit entry

Just a quickie , writing this between putting the students on the bus and going to a meeting…….Tonight is our last bbq before The Thomsen Browns leave tomo, will will miss them . Its a great distraction to hear the babble of little Danish voices around.

Must dash – knowing me I’ll get caught doing this !

The British 10K

A huge thank-you to everyone who travelled to London, walked , ran , hobbled, took photos , came to support, drove, provided B&B, gave up their home and garden, sent emails, made food , bought drink , wore ‘the’ T shirt, bought and sold ‘the’ T shirts, organised showers ( communal ? ), decorated the garden , cleared up , made cocktails, did the’dance off’ , did the bbq, sat in the 1940’s car, raised money, laughed, talked, mixed, cried, played drinking games, ate, drank , made speeches ,bought a bottle of wine for 50p, washed the floor , recycled, lugged garden furniture ( Izzy did you carry the chair the right way up ?!). etc

The one person that would have taken part in all of that (except for clearing up and washing the kitchen floor )was Rosie and I hope she was in your thoughts all day.

Wonderful wonderful Copenhagen

Sarah B ( my neice ), her partner Kristian and their 3 little childen , Thor, Frig and Gro , arrived yesterday ,from Denmark . It is wonderful to have them here , so happy and they babble away in Danish , so we sing alot of songs and try a bit of sign language. My 1 goldfish and 10 frogs are in therapy – they have been fished out the pond numerous times- most times they get thrown back in !

We look forward to seeing everyone who is running, jogging , walking, stolling. hobbling , crawling the British 10 k tomo. We , especially look forward to the post w/s/h/c/ celebrations , when we can raise our glasses to Rosie and all the children at The southend Academy, who we are helping to give an independent and healthy future.

Love love me do

Derren exceeded expectations…meanwhile John and I got taken to see ‘The Counterfeit Stones’ and ‘The Bootleg Beatles’ at kew gardens. They were fab, very singalongy, happy and with a wonderful picnic to accompany them and fireworks at the end.It is very odd being amongst a large group of happy enthusiastic people – I sort of feel lost and very very lonely and of course when you listen to the Beatles lyrics, they are mainly about love ( OK – now some smartarse is going to mention ‘yellow submarine ‘ or otopus’s garden ‘ ). So once again Rosie , you got me serenading you in my head.

look into my eyes

Sadly , due to legal reasons Lorna cannot relay her story.

Just got in from Ma’s – didn’t get to go out as we waited in to see the doc . So I left just in time for her to join ‘Judy’s exercise class’. ( very simsilar to Madonna’s daily workout with her personal trainer ).

Florence and Fifi are taking Nat out for her Bday , to see Derren Brown ( no relation ) and Sarah B your entry number has arrived .

An answer

Sos , Dec – in reply , Ma has a little more peripheral vision in her left eye. Still no vision in her right and no central in her left . xxxxxxxxx

I’m pooped

I have returned to work , I don’t think my students even noticed I’d been missing , probably just thought I’d been locked in the artroon cuboard – again . yes it did happen once . I went in the cuboard after work, shut the door ( never done that before ) to apply lippy , brush hair and take off my overall , in preparation for my ‘post lesson observation feedback’ by the Ofsted inspector. I didn’t know that some little toad had removed the inside handle and so when I shut the door , I couldnt open it again ! I had to bang on the door until , at last , the Ofsted inspector arrived, heard me and let me out – that all went in the report !

It was lovely to see my students, they leave in 2 weeks time and are all year 14 ( students in special schools get an extra year of education ) , Rosie’s year . In fact one boy was born on Rosie’s Bday , 9.12.89. Next year I have Year 13 , Florence’s year- so loads of 18th birthday parties- how many conga’s can I do around St Anns ?

Jacob (jamie Oliver eat your hear out ) Dwyer just cooked dinner – a fried halloumi, bacon caeser salad – delicious.

Enough of my old tat, I think lorna has a story for us involving an aged aunt , the police , a toyboy and her good self ………………….

Sad

The New Zealand twang is a red herring ( keeping in the fishy theme) , so Sarah , why did you really call him Grunt ?

A friend Hazel’s(I met at TCF) daughter ,Laura , died in the July 7th bombings ,so thought about her alot today. It is unbelievable how the death of a young person really affects me – my heart bleeds for them and their families. Our empathy is enormous.

Swallows and Amazons

I forgot to mention – go up to The Southbank to see the red and white spotty trees.

John and I have just returned from our session at the CBC and then a picnic at Cliveden. Since I was 14 , I have kept a diary, writing in it everyday ,up until Dec 21 08, when my world fell apart. Sometimes I look back over old ones . It is a double edged sword , brings back lots of memories BUT sends me crazy with longing for Rosie. Anyway ,last friday , I looked up what I did 10years ago. ….Emma , Harry ( in a buggy ) , Rosie ( off school sick with a headache ) and I went to Cliveden for a picnic. It was a beautiful happy day and as we loved it so much , Rosie, Jacob , Florence and I went back there in the summer with Mandy and Joe for another picnic. We made base camp by the boathouse and the 4 amigos caught minnows in the river ( actually being a souflondon girl , I hadnt a clue as to what they were – could have been a Yellowfin Tuna for all I know – but minnows sounds romantic ) and kept them in our picnic cups.

And did you know Profumo had his affair there ?

Sarah, we all called Googs husband Grant , why do you call him Grunt ???

Waiter waiter , theres a ……..

Twenty eight weeks since we said goodbye to Rosie and she would Phaaaaaaah at what we did today . I helped out at St Paul’s SEN group, but we had no punters and so after helping out with the mainstream under 11’s group for about 20mins , Ruth ( my leader ) and i thought ‘sod this for a game of soldiers’ and shot off to Rococco on Northfields Ave for a cappacino and breakfast – her treat . So I’m owing , lets see what hapens on the first Sunday of next month . Meanwhile Jacob and Flo were off , at the Chiswick car boot sale , buying yet more family heirlooms ( trash ) to fill Dwyer Towers.

Then John and I put our pinnys on and helped out at The Ealing soup kitchen. We were both front of house. Basil and Sybil eat your hearts out.

We had a surprise visit from a healthy gorgeous Helbel , who landed from Guatamalapanamabelizemexicohonduras airport at 5am. It was lovely to see her and she gave me a beautiful pendant with 9th december birth sign on it. Just as she left in came Izzy to divvy up more Tshirts – so you will be getting yours soon . And Helenka, I’ve given one to Georgie for you.

EVERYONE else shout if you want one .

Worcs or soy ?

So sorry Georgie….it was full on all day yesterday . After the usual trip to Sains ( that has even changed , I used to wander up and down , now i run the gaunnlet, avoiding bumping into anyone that knows me and I haven’t spoken to since Rosie died- it is ‘too big’ just to skim in a couple of mins . I wanted Worcs. sauce and Sharon , from playgroup and her husband were standing , talking and choosing , in that aisle for ages and so I didnt get any ! ). Then flo and i shot off to the art shop in Brentford . We have 4 bottles of fixable fabric paint, so if anyone wants to paint their name on their Rosie Running Tshirt , give me a shout.

Then we went to The Social event of the year – The Brigstock BBQ ! We sat in the garden , listening to reggae music and had fab international food – our faves were Singaphore Noodles , jerk Chicken and homemade apple pie and cream – all low cal – not ! The creepy local Tory MP candidate came and sat with us , and introduced himself and said to Florence ”now you’ve got someone good-looking to talk to” ! He then introduced himself to Grandma ”Hi I’m Jason Haddon” , to which she replied ”haddock , that’s a funny name”. Mind you he did go up in her estimation when he told her he is the Mon night lawyer on the Petrie Smiley Show on LBC – Grandma loves listening to LBC ( except for the sexual problems phone in on Fri night when she switches to radio 2 ). Del came too , she has resumed her sainthood , having taken Ma back to see Anthony after her eye op. he told her he was so exhausted after the whole proceedure , he had to go and have a lie down …..little did he know of how tired he would have been , if i hadn’t got out in time and he’d had to pick me up of off of the floor !

We whizzed home , past Venus and Serena , to see 2 beautiful pieces of artwork from the 21st Bday boy himself, Michael.Then we whizzed off again to dine at The Days alfresco….phew.

( after reading this ,the question on everyones lips must be – why would a couple want to shop in Sainsburies together and spend hours in the sauce aisle decididing on which one to buy – very odd )

Best view

The 4 of us went upto town last night to an old haunt of ours ‘The Young Vic’ to a funk, reggae musical thingy ( drew comparisons to Limelight ) called ‘been so long’.Ab fab. But the hilight to me was walking along the southbank ( and AF- its nothing to do with me being a south London Gal ) and having dinner alfresco at The gourmet pizza Co. You can’t get a better view of london than that – St Pauls. The Gherkin, The Eye, Jacob’s Head etc etc. Rosie said her favourite part of london was the view from The Millenium Bridge.

Ever since J,R,and F were little we used to go up to The Southbank , in those days we could park directly outside The Festival Hall, slap on the disabled badges and with Jane in tow the 6 of us would go and explore. We saw 2 of my all time favourite exhibitions – Dwayne Hanson and a multi- sensory one – ‘Tap. Ruffle and Shave’ ( I love art you can touch – has anyone experienced art for the blind – its brill ), we would then go onto Gabriel’s Wharf and eat . Such happy happy days.

The other time I remember, is when we went up there with The Fletchers ( and Grandma ? ) and the kids put on their roller blades and whizzed off. We were walking from The festival Hall to Tower Bridge and we agreed to picnic outside The Tate Mod. We all rendezvoused there except one – Rosie , she shot straight past the Tate and ended up by ‘The Clink ‘ ( a visit there with The Fletchers warrants another story ). I think Bob, John and the boys went and found her ..in tears , but of course it was all MY fault !

Adam , thanks for the number , i’ve left a message with Graham .

Steamed heat

I’m sorry , I’ve blown my recruitment drive. Flo and I bedded down for ‘Coach Trip’ last night , only to be told by Brendan that tomorrows is the last one . Never fear I will tell you when they’ve refueled .

Yesterday Helenka, Joella, Leo , Georgina and Katie left our kitchen and were replaced by Izzy P- another beaut.Lovely to see , but so heartbreaking seeing Rosie so so so happy.

The hi light of today is a trip to the dentist, won’t bore you with the details, but it did involve a row, a storming off,( thankfully NOT the dentist ) a conversation with the most boring camera enthusiast in the world and a coconut icecream . Not quite Walton’s mountain here .

Its so dammed hot

Just returned from a visit to St Ann’s, the school where I work. To be honest I was dreading it, there is a huge staff and I cannot bear ‘bumping into’ people. But i met the lovely Maureen outside , she held my hand and took me in .My team had laid on afternoon tea in the artroom. So I had a lovely couple of hours with Mo,Maureen, Rita, Janice , Steve , and Catherine. They had loads of stories to tell and made me feel more relaxed and confident about going back. I really do take my hat off to John , Jacob and Florence for going back to a new job / uni/ school. Hopefully none of you reading this will ever know the pain, loss , sadness we feel, so to face people, challenges, work etc , when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and hide , is a big call.

Nikki- do you think we can recruit anymore ‘Coach Trip’ fans ? I have no favourites at the mo – all rather dreary , except of course Brendan ( esp. when wearing his trunks). And as for that Ann who looked as puritanical as they come , and then ended up having a good root round under that naked young guys towel , I was shocked. i hope you wouldn’t have stooped so low, should you have got on the prog !?

More apolojies

Just read my last entry and it makes no sense , not even to me. I was so thrilled that Nikki B had commented on something i wrote a week ago , and she told us that she too watches ( and loves )’ Coach Trip ‘. I was 30mins late in going to Katrina’s for a drink and so just typed something quickly – apolojies, except to Nikki , who is now officially ‘ my new bessie mate’. Plus , I adore that photo of you and Rosie kissing, it is on your justgiving page and it always makes me smile – you both look so happy.

Come dine with me is history

Nikki B , someone else who loves it

”sisterhood in Coach trip”- what about the 2 that left yesterday , after 16hours- crazy( why did it take you 6days to reply ?)

I hope you are all keeping up with the message board – a comp the most injured running on the 12th !

Prodigal Sons

Everyones coming back to us, Jacobs home from a Glastonbury, Tims home from Manchester and he’s straight onto the message board, I always said he should have been a journalist.

John and I have had a 12hour theraputic, scorcheroonie mini-break. We got the train to Crowhurst and were whisked away , down a country lane , by Bev and Neil to a day of Mediterean cuisine , feeding Koi Carp, swimming in an outdoor pool, drinking pink fizz , .Then Josh and Saskia joined us for a cream tea – all in their back garden. We talked and cried and talked and laughed and fell asleep on the train home.

responses

Claire- you didn’t wake up next to Simon le Bon did you ?

Alison- John’s personal trainer was Bob ! He had injured his leg doing yoga ( thats what he says ) and so kept John company by cycling with him. Now back to the Great ticket debarkle – like you ,I’ll think I’ll risk the fine ………..and yes I’ll get you 2 T shirts.

On the Tshirt front , GOOD- NEWS , Julia managed to get them for £5 each. We’ll be collecting them in the next couple of days and then between Julia, Flo , Izzy, Georgie and moi , divvying them up, giving them to you lot and collecting the money.

Advice please

Calling all you legal beagles

Lisa D in Barnes

Ian S. ( Rosie’s cousin so NO excuses )

John F in Ealing , usually the cricket club ( bar )

Kay R – also in Ealing and in my book club or sometimes found in Eden Place Jacuzzi

( that doesn’t include you Adam – even though your last suggestion did make Sarah LOL )

What do I do about my impending fine – my time to cough up £50 is Thursday – and then it increases to £100. In case of your memory loss , I got a typed parking ticket, left on my windscreen BUT 1 letter of the registation was wrong- they’d printed a Y instead of a T.

Should i pay or not ??????

a healthy or hungry heart

We all had a night of culture. John and I at Questors and Jacob at Glastonbury. ‘Element Soup’ raised its game and was much more ‘full-on’ than the night before- Florence was a star, esp in her Esther Williams routine. The talent spotters were in , they saw John and I , so expect to see us on The Jeremy Kyle Show sometime next week ! Florence went out luvvieing , while John and I came home and watched Brucie- he was amazing. Was hoping to spot Jacob on Patrick’s shoulders , but alas no , the cameraman only seemed to pick out scantily clad young women. He didn’t play Rosie’s favourite though- ‘Girls in their summer clothes’.

Florence’s ticker has had the thumbs up , she went and had it screened through CRY , the money raised for Tom Clabburn’s charity. Wish Jacob could have gone.

Billy no mates

You would be so proud of me, I managed to stay at home for a whole afternoon on my own.

John went round to his pals Richard’s to watch the rugby , Jacob is at Glastonbury , helping Brucie learn his lines – well he is on for 3 hours , and Flo is treading the boards at Questors ( the hottest place on the planet ) Theatre.

So I had to keep busy , swimming – Id been there this morning, reading – no concentration , painting – no motivation . So with Rosie by my side I delved into ‘Good Housekeeping( joke ) ‘ magazine that I’d bought to dull The Mayday Hospital experience , but never got to open – for obvious reasons ! We went straight to the ‘cheap , easy Italian dinners’ and created Caponata and Polenta ( I was a polenta making virgin before today ), salami , mushroom and tomato bake. They don’t look like the stuff you get in Caluccio’s – more Lidls !

Last night Izzy and I went to see ‘Element Soup’ – absolutely brilliant. I know Georgie does not want me to reveal too much , but I was shocked to see Flo and Nat juggling fire on the high wire unicycle without a safety net.-Thats showbuiss.

No one had warned me that Bob Dylan’s ‘Blowing in the Wind’ comes on for a short burst. It was one Of Rosie’s most played on her ipod . It was like someone had punched me, I felt so lost without her and she should hve been there cheering Flo on. We are going again tonight- this time with less clothes on ( cos it is so hot , not to hide the tear stains ).

For all you NOT keeping up with the Glastonbury line-up, I meant Springsteen , not Forsythe.

Images

Have you seen the new photos on Rosie’s charity page – don’t you just love those uniforms ? It makes the charity seem so real.

E.R.

Oh my God, what a day. Lorna deserves a medal for sticking by me. It was the day of Grandmama’s eye ( lets admit her to a ward as we don’t have a standing hoist in theatre and no nurse , porter or any member of staff in the entire Mayday hospital will help you lift her onto the highish chair to do the proceedure ) surgery. The only person on my side about this was the admissions officer , who agreed with me ,it was a total waste of a bed. So….Carry on Nurses, Rachel and Lorna did all the lifting , toileting , manouvering etc ( Just for Joan – NOT all the other patients ). As we were waiting in our squished day surgery cubicle, we were doing our usual , chatting , guessing what everyone else is in for , talking about how hungry we were etc..when the nurse came over and sent the 3 of us to ‘the naughty room’ ( a small private room at the end of the ward ) , and shut the door . Obviously we were pissing everyone off we our general merriment and frivolity. But , the good news was , we got to crack open the picnic !

All was going swimmingly, We escorted Ma to theatre and as she didnt want me to leave her side , I was gowned and hatted up and asked to sit next to her in theatre , holding her hand while Anthony, her sweet surgeon ,removed the cataract while listening to his native Maltese folk music. Unfortunately, in the medical terminology of Anthony ”its a rock , not a cataract” meant the op went on..and on..and on…. I got hotter and hotter and then my grief and sadness completely engulfed me and I uttered the words that every surgeon wants to hear ”I think I’m going to faint ”. The staff were wonderful , Graham, the theatre technicion and Miss Richardson , the consultant took me out , gave me a cup water ( i think they would have preffered the bucket over the head technique ) and I poured out all my thoughts and love for Rosie. We were all in tears. Meanwhile , the staff in theatre were brill, didn’t tell Ma what had happened to me and a male nurse slipped his hand into Ma’s. When she came out the first words Ma said were ”where did you go , i know it wasn’t you holding my hand , it was a man with a ring on and i know you never wear rings . You didn’t faint did you ? ” So please mums the word .

Appendix 1: I have only fainted once in my lif in April 1975 , when I stood on the terraces at aBristol City v Fulham football match. Yhe sun was beating down on me and i was wearing a black polo neck and black jeans- i was carted off to St Johns Ambulance station

Appendix 2: My mobile phone is still out of action , so please email or write on my bloggy thing – ta.

woops

5ins ago, I got out the car , dropped my phone ( for phone , read lifeline ) , the back came off and the battery went down the drain . I have tried getting it out SAS style i.e. lying flat on my stomach and using Grandma’s pick-up-stick to try and reach it down the drain ( which doesn’t lift up ), to no avail ….so if anyone has a spare battery for the most basic Nokia- please let me know.

Jacob has gone off to Glastonbury, Florence off to drama and me off to Sainsburies.

I have seen this weeks ‘come dine with me’ , so I’ve converted to ‘Coach Trip’ – anyone else watch it , who is going tonight or will it be another vote rigging scenario ?

Break a leg

Thanks, I got to see the photo’s last night. It looks like everyone else is active and Sarah, John and I just sit and watch……not even one of us turning the skipping rope !

Phew what a scorcher and poor old Flo and Nat at rehearsals til 10.30pm , but hey thats showbizz.

Did lots of talking today , with Jane and then Bev and then my counsellor Bernice from the Meningitis/Septicaemia Trust It really is a terrible disease- so unfair , cruel, devastating. Nothing, even Jane dying and suffering so much , has prepared me for the impact of this destructive disease on my wonderful Rosie. She really didn’t deserve this. We miss her more and more everyday and for me it is harder when the sun is out, the French windows are open and she should be in the garden.

help

Who is going to show me the photos on facebook ?I’m barred.

right again

I said at the time I thought it was grapefruit mint – perfect for a Pimms .

who has ever heard of that – what other flavours can you get – my favourites licorice ?

no ball – it has to be between knee and shoulder

A huge thank-you to Bert for changing all the photos . I find it a huge shock when I see different photos of Rosie, and then I get used to them and then ………… So if you haven’t got the new photos press your refresh button . Bert really has worked very hard on Rosie’s website and he must be the most patient , gentle, communicative man on this planet …we should all have a Brother-in-law like him.

Thank-you for all your lovely emails and texts yesterday . I know no-one can do the one thing we want in life – bring Rosie back . but sending your love and thoughts makes us feel not quite as isolated and lonely . Plus , it means you are thinking about Rosie – which we do for every second of the day. Don’t be fooled we may look absorbed, joyous, but our heads are just above water , and under the surface we are paddling like crazy. But sometimes we submerge completely , and it is very hard to bring ourselves back up.

We spent a lovely day with a fabulous group of Rosie’s friends. We picnic’d in Rosie’s woods. The Pimms was a hit , although the added flapjack, didnt do much for the texture. The ‘mint’ debarcle goes on – Was is or wasn’t it -? some people reverted back to their childhood and played ‘whats the time Mr wolf’ and 40 40 swine flu – don’t ask !

There was a huge game of rounders – Ryan hitting the shot of the match . The aerobi flier got lost , the skipping rope came out and we were surrounded with the love of Rosie .

Advice

When you are at your absolute lowest , I recomend 2 things…..

Go walking along the banks of The Thames and

Go see ‘Priscilla Queen of The Desert’ both with people you love.

Please think very hard about us today. It was 6months ago ,we said Goodbye to Rosie, and our lives are an absolute hell without her.

The Ross Bros

No Adam, the ticket was in a bright yellow plastic wallet stuck in the middle of my windscreen. Its not a good thought , that I didn’t even notice it til the following morning.

So apart from torching our only little excuse for a car , what should I do ?

Bumped into Paul Ross today , he’s passing on all my love to his brother Johnnie. It was a year ago last night ( except its filmed on a Thursday ) , that Rosie went to see him . His guests were CCS and Sienna Miller. She was pissed of as she missed Jamie T by one week.

Rumpole

The ‘Great parking Ticket’ debate goes on ….. After studying it , I realised the WRONG number plate is on it . There is a T when it should be a Y . But , the tax disc number is correct – dam. So what do you think , all you legal beagles- am I let off by default or does it mean a custodial ? Should I come clean and say the’ve cocked up , or leave it and risk a £100 fine ? Should they stage a reinactment on crime watch – of course Angelina Jolie would play me ( failing that , Beth Ditto )…answers on a ( virtual bloggy ) postcard please.

lovely Rita meter maid- not

The ‘Mayday Experience’ is not to be recommended.

Got there at 1.30, left at 5pm , threw Grandmama into Brigstock, drove like the clappers to Ealing to see Florences DT exhibition . All good stuff . Flo’s table was fab , better than a Corbusier , but not quite an MFI. As for her lamp , it was beautiful.

Then , Flo , Georgie, Izzy P and I went round to Julia’s to talk ‘T shirts ‘ for the 10K. Although there are hundreds of photos of Rosie, it was hard ( emotionally and tshirtally) to pick one. We hope you like it. Although Georgie has a list of all those who have entered the 10K directly through the charity, we do not have a list of those who have entered independently. So please if you have , plus, if you’re still awake after ready this waffle, email me to let me know…or write a comment on our bloggy thing. feel free to add your bust measurement and any other vital info ?! The T shirts will cost about £7 each. If you are not running and you want a T shirt …a) you should feel ashamed of yourself or B) just let me know.They should be ready in about a week.

Left Julia’s , wined, coffee’d and chocolated up to find a nice little gift on my windsceren – a parking ticket for £50. As Rosie would say ‘sweet’.

Anytime, anyplace , anywhere

I feel like I’m in the S.A.S. and psyching myself for manouvers ( spelt wrong , but CBA to look it up – someone hopefully will ), in fact its just a trip to Mayday Hospital – eye dept this time. Poor old Grandmama is registered blind as she has AMD in one eye and had a retinal bleed , causing irrepairable damage in the other ( by this point , I will have lost Ann Downs , if you’re passing her house , go in and check she’s OK ), is having her pre-op examination. This normally means waiting around for 3hours , while everyone elses name is called except hers , so by the time we get in there , her BP is normal , while mine is so high they are fast tracking me to the coronary care unit !

Jacob drove over to see her yesterday , i sent him with her requested fresh steamed asparagus, thin brown bread and butter sandwiches with the crusts cut off, while he opted for the chunky cheese , onion and pickle crusty roll ( how butch ). She announces she can no longer cope with the side effects of the asparagus ( use your imagination ) and so Jacob had to swop the fillings – masterchef eat your heart out.

Meanwhile……lorna and i did one of our hidden london on public transport walks. It was beautiful , all over Wimbledon common , we found the Windmill, the tearooms, Cinzano Park, the tearooms, bumped into Jo , who i haven’t seen for ages, the tearooms and the No 72 home.

Babies

Claire has emailed me the photos of the Masai ambulance , now I have to get my own little Bill Gates ( John ) to stick them somewhere where you can all see them- I mean on the website , not in our front window.

Jacob, Briony and I picnic’d in Kew gardens today. Briony had never been before and so we did the touristy stuff ,the walkway /gallery and the aquariums in the basement of The Palm House. The treetop , wobbly walk etc. The peacock performed for us and we saw loads of cygnets and baby moorhens – beaut. But still not as beautiful as my Rosie.

News from outside

After 5 days Del has had her sainthood removed. I drove over to Brigstock ( shock horror , there’s a new resident , Bill, who has a mobile phone and can use it ) and after spending 30mins looking for everything Grandma has lost , wheeled her round to Mayday Hospital. It was deadly quiet in outpatients, me ( stupidly ) thinking , this is a turn up for the books, bedded in with my 3year old, well thumbed copy of ‘Womens weekly’ , only to be told there are no clinics that day as ALL the staff are on a trust traning day.- great.

So we return next Monday ( hoping all the staff aren’t on a team building day at Stringfellows ) and this Thurs – eyes …..and then thurs week – actual eye op ……and then thurs week week , post eye op. I think we’ll get a bench.

A few notes in response to my bloggy readers

Thanks Bob for taking the photos. since Rosie died ,sadly I have no deisre to take photos .Things just don’t seem celebratory at the moment.

Julia Lilley in Brum ( John and I met at her ex’s 30th birthday party ), Emailed to say her stepdaughter , Lucy Lilley in Cardiff, is going to be on the next series of ‘ come dine with me ‘.

Ann ( you have been validated) Downs txted to say she was in the same class at school with Dilly keane in Grumpy Old Women , her real name is Louise ( Dilly’s not Anns ) and she was quirky and funny (both ).

Just off to admire Richard’s buds.

Bloody hell we’ve cracked it in the literary circles. To be honest I was pretty impressed when Jacob told me ,Patrick ( i’m going to see Chelsea** in NYC ) reads this stuff , and then ……….I look at the comments under ‘ up with the lark’ and see ALAN BENNETT has made a comment . Admittedly , he’s sugesting I read one of his… but never the less.

We had a poke around the ambulance that is going out to kenya for the Masai , this morning . This was funded through ‘The starfish project’ to which we gave £1,000 from Rosie’s charity . Again , thank-you.

Just off to supper a la Clarkies, enjoy the sunshine.

** Chelsea is a young lady NOT the football team !

Pitter Patter

Lorna , would you be interested in buying one of Jacob’s latest creations – a film of one of his flat mates eating a fried egg sandwich in under a minute – ketchup is extra ?

Just got in from a lovely BBQ , chez Jinmans. We were sitting by their pond, glass of Prosecco in hand , asparagus spear in mouth, Delilah exposing her parts to John – shes the dog not the au-pair , when the heavens opened. We decamped inside and had a cosy evening.

Thanks to Pattie and Kay and Cheryl for coffee and 3 firm shoulders to cry on.

up with the lark

Been up for ages**, my head is going crazy, done all the domestics and the pool doesn’t open til 7. ……now there’s a new project for John. How many metres do you reckon we’d get in our garden – 4max ?

Anyone know a really really good short book ?

** I can’t even blame the chickens – ask Flo.

Proud Parents

The intrepid explorers have returned. We took ‘The Beast’ – The Clarkes 82litre Merc ( not Florence ) up to the frozen North , you’ll be pleased to know, the icecap hasn’t melted and so Newcastle is NOT under water, but you can tell we’re near The Tundra as it stays light til about 11.55pm. The other thing you’ll be pleased to know about is Jacob got his results – a first for his studio work , and 4marks off a first for his theory work , which I guess makes it a 2:1.Absolutely bloody brilliant – I always said he took after me – especially in his fitness and co-ordination ?!

Last night, just so we fitted in , we took most of our clothes off and went into the city centre, shame it was raining. AF took us to an arthouse cinema , and with his friend Liam , we saw ‘American Movie’ – a mockudocumentary about a guy making a film in the Deep South USA – the fact that his brother thought he’d grow up to be a serial killer , gives you an idea as to what the film-maker was like. So if its a case of watching that or phoning the Samaritans – I’d go Samaritans very time.

We then went for fab Tapas , our favourite was ‘lomitos al cabrales’ and loads of sangria. Jacob was due to meet us at 9am. Bless him…..he didn’t wake up !

Carren

I am worried about Grandmama. She has a problem with her throat and keeps choking, which makes her panic . She’s phoning me everyday in a sorry state , which is hard to deal with when you are rock bottom yourself. Saint Del ( yes , I have officially canonised her – I couldn’t survive without her ) has brought forward Ma’a appt with the swallowing doctor ( OK ladies, don’t all rush for his number ) to Monday. So meanwhile if you are anywhere near Thornton Heath , do pop in and see her. I took her out to see Betty yesterday at another Old Folks Home – funnily enough I feel quite relaxed with all the old dears, I love their conversation and their honesty.

John, Andy J and I went up to Victoria last night to meet some of the ‘Ace’ Team . Augustine, Jo and Anton who are over from Kenya for a week and Juliet , who is their co-ordinator over here. We were bowled over by the work the do , they have placed 38 children at South End Academy, Rosie’s teacher starts in Jan 10 and we are all welcome to visit. It means a flight to Nairobi and then an internal flight to Kisumu, so not easy or cheap ! We are hoping to get more photos to show you and they are going to print off photos of Rosie and her work and make a display over there. It moves me so much.

Coincidentally , yesterday I received my first school report of a student, Carren Kanjala aged 14 who I am sponsoring through secondary education . Although the bursary is through ACE , I pay for it myself , in memory of Rosie. She is lovely, appreciative and sent me a beautiful letter – not easy when your first language is Kiswahili. You will be thrilled that her overall grade is B+ ( I don’t think Jane and I ever managed that ) and she is an active member of the drama club.This is amazing when you know her family background.

TCF

Adam , I’m impressed. I went to school with Karen O’Connor – Des’s daughter, but none of us believed her til she showed us some holiday photos.

Sarah B. – could do better. You have the same name as our honourable Prime Minister’s , beautiful stylish wife ( Sod the expenses scandal – I’m still cross they went to Walberswick last year and he wore a suit on the beach – unforgiveable )…so we are in fact related to Gordon.

Spent the evening with a lovely bunch of ladies at ‘The Compassionate friends’ meeting. Men are welcome , but none came. We are united in grief as we all have a child that has died – it is all so wrong. We ache, hurt and feel crushed, angry ,obliterated , miserable and overwhelmed . We also laugh . It is good for me to be with lovely people ( apart from John, Jacob and and Florence ) who understand how lonely and wretched I can feel.

Top 10

Lorna- tell Becky , we want photos of these 8 babies.

Plus I think the famous people links have filtered into my brain from ‘The Chris Evans Drivetime’ Radio 2 show . Everynight he does the ‘top 10 tenuous’ of someone mildly famous. Ithink the best one I heard was” my Grans nextdoor neighbour works in the office above the vet where ********gets his dog groomed. ”

There you go bloggers , you must have some tenuous links. to a b lister………

Another apology

Claire No 3 – Lovely words thank you …

Adam _ I am so so sorry. Just before I went to bed last night , I thought I’d txt Jacob , but stopped myself in case he hadnt seen it …didnt think of my bloggers.

Also just remembered , Hats off to Emma , I went out with her a couple of weeks ago and she knew who was in the final and didn’t tell me . Her sister in law, Chantal , owns ‘Rococco Chocolates’ – the shop they visited……..

Those eyebrows

Yippee- Yasmina won

Boo Hoo – Margarets leaving _ but heres another tenuous link – – tomorrow I am meeting Lisa, a friend i’ve known since I was 17 (one day I’ll tell you about the camping holiday we went on to France- 5girls aged 18 in a tiny car with 2 catering packs of corned beef ,3 car crashes in a week and a dubious hypnotism and a near expulsion from a Parisian campsite ) and she worked in the same law firm as Margaret.

Master Demetriou

Yes we have sUch happy memories of that part of the world…picnics, rounders , Gerald’s over exuberance on the footy pitch etc etc.

George harrison lived in Friars Court , just outside Henley. Its an amazing Gothic Mansion ,set in huge grounds complete with follies, grottos etc. The only tenuous link I have with him is….in our hall we have a portrait of Uncle Arnold, painted by his close friend, Caroline Bleakley. Well, she taught George Harrison’s son art at the local 6th form college and she met George and Olivia when they went to his final exhibition – impressed eh ? Also, my brother, Richard had’ Beatle wallpaper’ !

Kept busy today…swimming at 6.30, which is turning me into a peroxide blonde and a drama run , closely followed by a” welcome to Ealing party ”for a new friend and neighbour- Claire. It was a poor turnout …me and her in her kitchen, but we had met about 12 yrs ago in France and we have a mutual friend – the lovely Juju ( my sister,Jane’s best friend, Steph’s sister ) and Claire is new to the area – keeping up ?? .Closely followed by a smattering of ( pre recorded ) Jonathan Ross and another drama run …and the another drama run – dont ask. Did my little theraputic walk along the canal to ‘Grounds’ and had coffee with Julia. Now Flo and I are joining John and the Clarkies ( yet another good name for a band ) for an early supper at Charlottes Place .

Just read in the paper that Lagi didnt make it into school on Monday . I reckon he’s resting before appearing at Freddie Flintoff’s party.

George Harrison’s territory

Mandy took me on a trip down memory lane today. We got the train to Henley ( on Thames NOT in Arden , where I had my first job , teaching locked up 16yr old boys in a residential school. It was a successful year , 4 of my class graduated to Prison and 1 to Rampton ).

We stopped at Shiplake and I saw ‘Orchard’ , Uncle Arnold ( my Dad’s brother ) and Auntie Pams old house. As children we had many a happy day there. I remember the time Pam dished up our Sunday lunch , only to shout ,oh my God- the Harboards have arrived. We all had to scrape the food off our plates back into the serving dishes , wash the plates and then told FHB ( anyone know what that means ?) and start again – she’d forgotton she’d invited them. Then there was the time she suggested we went swimming . me being a mug , took my cossie ,thinking we were going to one of her posh neighbours ( Vince Hill, Mary Hopkins )pools . But no , while everyone else sat on the terrace drinking G&T’s . Pam and i jumped into The River Thames, landing up to our waists ( when I had one ) in silt , and then took our lives in our hands swimming to the otherside avoiding the currents/ pleasureboats/rowers /motorboats etc etc. I was 10 !

Mandy and I walked to Hambledon, along the river- it was beautiful . The last time I had done that was about 7yrs ago with The Maynards, Clarkes , John, Jacob , Rosie and Florence- how happy we all were. Oh yes Arnold and Pam married in Hambledon Church- I wasn’t there !

Jawache

I’ve hada day of talking – which was similar to yesterday except I didnt have to repeat myself 5x.

Met Cynthia and Judy , 2 other bereaved parents , in Pembroke Lodge , for coffee. We talked and cried and talked and laughed and my chair nearly tipped over and i thought I was going over the edge, so we went hysterical.

Then john and I talked and cried and talked and didn’t really laugh , with Sue , our counsellor at the Child Bereavement Charity….still haven’t spotted Prince William there yet …one day.

Then , while the rest of the world watched BB , I talked …………etc etc with my lovely boss, Gillian.

A commom problem

Sarah…and what is wrong with incontinence ? You have just pissed off (literally) most of my over50 yr old blog readers – thats the reason we loved James , as he brought it out in the open .Plus last night he admitted breaking wind in the boardroom. Sir Alan prob thought it was margaret !

Haircut 100 ( literally )

Sarah , lets just say , Janice’s fishing trip didnt invovle any fish , just a net, rubber gloves , a bucket and a hot shower !

Bob, were you and everyone else happy with the result ? Kate was a sure bet and I think my James really couldnt cope – he never answered a question just sweated and looked uncomftable. What are we going to do on future Wednesdayss – please do not all chorus ‘ Big Brother ‘- Ok I know they’ll be at least 2 bloggers watching , Flo and Lorna – perhaps they could set up their own message board ?

Wednesday is ‘Hairdresser day’ at Brigstock manor . For £5 you can get a wash , shampoo and set. Of course Grandmama doesn’t bother with any of this , she has a straightforward haircut – still £5 , something wrong there. I can still remember the day , about 20 years ago when Mother liberated herself, she cancelled her appt for a perm , let her hair go grey and had it cut in a straight wedge. Jane told her she looked like a lesbian ( nothing wrong with that ). Mother was so proud and has kept ‘her’ look. Well , I asked Hungry ( from Hungary ) what his name is ….Lazlo. Try teaching Grandma how to say that , she hates learning new words . So at pop-in ( sausage, chips , toms and peas – 70p ) , I had everyone saying it , spelling it and rejoicing in his skills.

Love

Had a visit from a lovely lady from ‘The Menigitis trust’. She helped to explain the pain and trauma we are experiencing following the sudden sudden death of our wonderful , lively , scatty ( but she could always pull it out of the bag ), funny , happy , healthy , beautiful, kind, creative Rosie. I know everyday I write all this mindless dross, but its only because I love her so much. ( Rosie – not the lady from TMT ! ) The 4 of us are in a place I hope none of you ever have to go to. Please keep supporting us, ask us how we are ( you might not like the answer ) and suggesting stuff. We love to hear your news ( even though it can be quite painful for us )and we always love to laugh . Some fool once said ‘time is a healer’ – what a glib, crass statement, please don’t assume we have ‘moved on’, the longing for Rosie is unbearable.

Later on I had a visit from a lovely friend and colleague of mine , Steve ( yes the one who sends all the jokes – unprintable ). He showed me the photos my class’s residential holiday to Devon. The staff and students all looked wonderful , so relaxed and happy. The tide was out in Bigbury Bay and to see them all paddling…….plus of course the picnics, icecreams, Dartmoor, Janice fishing , dins out , the sunny patio breakfasts, Buckfast Abbey etc etc – I bet there wasn’t as much singing ……….

James and Kate for the final ????

I am what I am

Well , I’m thrilled that out of the 19million that watched BGT , 2 of them read this blog and have made some worthy comments….still waiting to hear from Gordon Brown, with an update on Susan Boyle. He is a relative of mine – ALL my Grandparents are ‘Browns’- my Mum never had to change her name

And a big welcome to Blogvirgin ( most people aspire to being one of those ) Helenka **….keep on writing , it should be a good week , apprentice CV’s on Wed.

Just got in from seeing John Barrowman at The Royal Albert Hall. I think I’m in love …with his hips- such amazing pivotal movement ( I’ll be expecting more of that on July !2th ), plus he can belt out a showtune , plus it was the last night of his tour and so his 75yr old mum and 77yr old dad joined him on stage to do ‘The Slosh’ .For Gods sake don’t tell Grandmama, she’ll be volunteering her version of ‘knees up Mother brown ‘ at Questors.

Who needs Simon Schama , when you’ve got me. After testing Flo I know everything you need to know about the Roosevelts Hoover being dammed resulting in America being in the depths of depression and booze being sold illegally- sounds a bit like West ealing !

** Helenka , spooky you have written on the 1st June. Georgina made us a beautiful calender made up of photos of Rosie with friends and family. YOU adorn June along with Kaite, Joella, Leo and Georgina.

factor 50

Phew what a scorcher, while AF basked on a Northumbrian beach we bbq’d in a west London garden. John won the table tennis tournament and our team won ‘the game with no name ‘ with an added category- a favourite dish. ( does anyone have a clue as to what I’m talking about ? ) . of course the main topic of conversation was BGT. I think Diversity deserved to win and kids shoul not be on it…..in the words of Mrs Merton ”lets have a heated debate”……………..

Jane

8 years ago today , my lovely sister, Jane , died. Foolishly, I thought life couldn’t be any sadder.

Another celebration !

60years ago today, my brother, Richard James was born. I have lots of happy memories of when we were kids, him pushing me ,fully clothed,in the paddling pool…him kicking my NEW beachball over the cliff, me going crazy , him climbing down over the cliff to retrieve it and the he didnt come back . We had to call out the Cornish coastal rescue team , we were all sobbing , until he casually sauntered over the cliff and we all went mad at him. I wont mention the chinese burns or the Pink history book with a picture of Archbishop Cranmer being burnt at the stake , which absolutely freaked me out. Richard used to leave it open in my bed or on the loo , or in my school bag . Why I never chucked that dam book out , baffles me.

10years ago we all went over to Denmark for Richards 50th, it was a fabulous lunch party , in a log cabin in a beautiful nature reserve with lakes , streams, hills etc. He had a hog roast and there were speeches and songs .. the Danes love to sing . After a few traditional Danish songs, Grandmama got up and sang ‘knees up mother brown’ and Jacob bravely did a call and response ‘ aroochacha’. Nic, Sarah , Victoria, Jacob, Rosie and Florence all looked beautiful and were so happy. If only…….. Jane came with us to Denmark , but sadly was too poorly to come to Richard’s party , so Sarah and I kept driving back to be with her and her volunteer .

Emma and I are going to see ‘Spring Awakening ‘ today. Going to see a film or a show , is a good distraction for my troubled mind. I become absorbed and hold Rosie’s hand .

Get clicking

In the words of Olivia Newton -John ….lets get physical, or in this case technical.

When you go onto Rosie’s website , do you see the home page with the NEW photos on it ? i.e. Rosie sitting on a balcony , shes wearing a floral shorty,jumpsuity thing and shades . I know most of you are probably thinking ‘ why have they put a photo of Rachel on the website .

If you DON’T see the new photos you need to click on your refresh or F5 button.Let me know how you get on.

A big thanks to my lovely brother in law ,Bert , who has worked on this . he hopes to change the photos around , about once a month, around the 21st to mark the anniversary of Rosie’s death.

Good luck to all the Chelsea Foundation Students , who are holding their final exhibition this weekend . I bet it will look fab and hopefully not as pornagraphic as Tracey Emmins latest stuff !

2 Celebrations !

Wow whata day , this time 50 and 52 years ago 2 of the loveliest people in the world were born . Lorna will be celebrating by cooing over a tiny baby girl , Eryn. No this isn’t Andy’s special little present to her , but her niece, who has just flown in from L.A. ( pity the poor person who had to sit next to a baby on the 10hour flight ). While Sarah awaits her special delivery – a new washing machine. OK , its not her pressie either.Hopefully they will reveal all tomo – lets hope one of them doesn’t get a webcam and take this request literally.

I know Rosie loved them both dearly, who hasn’t received a Lorna card or seen Rosie’s DVD- the Clarkes house was her second home. I too , love them both and couldn’t have got through the last 5 months and 7days without them.

The hairdresser

One thing about seeing Grandma she also creates a distraction.Flo and I went over to Brigstock Manor today, she was having her hair cut by a lovely, warm , camp ,chatty European gentleman. Once she’d paid and we went up to her room for a crappacino ( instant /out the packet and theres you thinking BM had a cappacino machine – its NOT quite Carluccios ) and she started talking about him ”Hungry said this , Hungry said that – Hungry was a refugee etc” .When we commented Hungry was an unusual name , she said thats not his name , I can’t pronounce it , so I call him ‘Hungry’ cos he’s from Hungary – thank God he’s not from Kyrgyzstan !

Talented People

I took a couple of Rosie’s sketchbooks upto Chelsea for the Foundation ,end of year exhibition – it was a killer. Just travelling the same route that Rosie did, broke me and then seeing all the students busy displaying their work, finnished me off – I was in pieces. It is so wrong / unfair / cruel…she should have been there with them . Thank you to Holly and Adam for coming into The Tate Britain , and having coffee with me. I know your work will look fab and like Rosie would be, I am so proud of you.

The Sting revisited

I know Georgina, I played terribly , BUT , I still didn’t come last ( any ideas as to who did ? ).

I was up with the wet larks and into the pool , and had done 50 lengths by 7am. I’m starving now , but holding on for a ‘full English’ with my friend Paul.

What a pile of dross on BGT ( not big gin and tonic ). Flawless were the best.

Oh my God, I nearly signed off without mentioning ‘Come dine with me ‘ …it was from Seward Road ( runs parrallel with Coldershaw ) last night . Thank you our 2 local ace detectives , Lorna and Fifi Day for alerting us. I thought the meal looked yummy and the guy was laid back- he was even spotted purchasing from Mr Charismatic ( not ) himself . in Richardsons the Butchers.Apart from my encounter with Helen Lederer , its the nearest I’ve got to Dave Lamb.

Splash !

Actually i came in at a respectable third in the tournament. Shame I was 5th in the contract whist. still you know what they say ”lucky at cards , unlucky at love ”’……..Never mind Sarah ( our champ ).

Talking of which, have Sarah, Sarah B and Stu dried up ( I think theres a little cream you can buy over the counter for that now ). At one point they were ardent 10k message boarders – come back , we miss you.If its any consolation AF has an ankle injury – so theres a stating point for you.

As usual , John and I were up with the lark , in fact I’m thinking of getting a paper round , and we were in Richmond Park by 8. We walked all round the ponds and Isabella Plantation , it is stunning at the moment. I showed john the stepping stones , where rosie got over zealous in feeding the ducks ….and fell in. I think we were with Emma, Goog and all the kids . Everyone had to give Rosie 1 item of their clothing to put on . Seeing as there were 9 kids , she was rather overdressed !

Is it an Olympic Sport ?

Our garden is so trimmed , theres room to have a bbq, so the 3 amigo’s are coming round for one . No , not the SOC ( although I’m sure they’d be round if they knew i was making mojitos ) but Sarah, Scissorhands Richard and Nat(Jensen Button)chat. John has even resurrected the table tennis table , and cos we’ve got no Jacob or fanatical Japanese students here, i guess we’ll have to play. No prizes to who is first out of the tournament …………me.

Phew , its hot here today- wht’s Copenhagen like ?

A tidy up

Richard C has been round and done a ruthless trim on our bush….Bob round came later and filled 9 pink sacks of the stuff .

Sydenham revisited

Lorna, joined me for the delights of a ‘Brigstock Manor Day’.I think she liked it so much , she’s put her name down. Haven’t got the heart to tell her, its being knocked down next year , under Croydon’s innovative scheme ‘New for Old’ – i did ask the stupid little man from Social Services , whether that meant the inmates – was I about to get a replacement 88yr old Ma – he didn’t get the joke. ( No surprises there ).

Well,we hit one of my schooldays, bunkoff school , meet the Dulwich College and Alleyns ( obviously not now , with them closed cos of the swine flu ) boys venues , The Dulwich Woodhouse. Boy , has it changed . Whoever has done the refurb , obviously didn’t consult Kirsty – back imitation plastic grass in the conservatory ???? It was a lovely lunch risottos, scallops , chicken ceasar salad and chips. Lorna wrote Ma’s cards and and as the pub was virtually empty , not too many South Londoners had to hear the Joan’s latest medical updates.

Plus , we received txts from Jacob . He has had two seperate lovely treats . One from Sarah and the other from William – but I’ll leave it to Him to tell you .

PS . My scars are healing up nicely , but you should see the bruises.

ER

Apart from seeing my lovely , kind , gentle, book-club ( she’s the only one who ever reads the book ) friend , Marion, yesterday was a nightmare – Daisy let me down badly . It was if she had been spawned by Eli , the vampire in last nights film.

As you know , she gave us all a scare when she went missing for 2days, then when she returned she refused all food and shunned us. We thought she’d been kidnapped , until Flo noticed a big gauge on her tail- Daisy’s not Flo’s. So ….we think she’d been attacked. In our over anxious states of mind , we decided she should be microchipped – if its good enough for Steve Austin , its good enough for our Daisy !I borrowed next doors cat box thing , managed to get her in it and drove to the vets – she was going crazy,. When we got there she had poo’d and wee’d ( a bit like Victoria when she goes and sees The Antichrist- but you’d know that , if you’d read her comment ) and while the other pussies sat serenely in their baskets , she was snarling, spitting , clawing and looking pretty mad – it didnt help that when the receptionist asked me for her details , I knew none of them – DOB , breed , innoculations etc . All the other owners ( they are a whole bloggy entry in their own right ) looked at me as if I was the she-devil.

Well it just gets worse – once in the consulting room , the gentle vet asked me to get her out. I coaxed her out , couldnt tip the dam box on end or the poo and wee would have followed Daisy onto the table. Once out ,she went for me- lacerating my arms( Ann Downs , if you are reading this , you might want to look away ), catching a small blood vessel so my blood poured over the table, Daisy and the vet. He told me cats claws carry loads of germs and so i had to see my doc and get anti biotics .CBA to write any more , I think I’ve got post vet traumatic cay syndrome- and it cost me over 40smackers !

Film 09 answers

Yes Adam, I don’t know if I ‘enjoyed’ it. But I think thats cos of where my head is at the moment . But I was gripped and loved the characters esp Eli and the friends with the cats. Its worth seeing , and it made it easier watching it with subtitles even though they left half the dialogue out.

Has anyone seen ‘Is anybody there’ ? I feel I need to see films about Old FolKs Homes…..still think the Broadways would be playing at Glastonbury , if they’d called themselves ‘The Brigstock Manors’.

Film 09

Just got in from seeing “let the right one in “.Dont go and see it if you dont like-

vampires

anything to do with vampires

snow

swimming pools

cats

bullys

changing rooms

bridges ( not jeff or Mrs )

Shortbread biscuits ( I made the last one up, just thought it might stir Stu into getting up of the settee and writing on her JB)

Blagdon Manor

Fifteen of the loveliest people i know are holidaying in Devon this week, so we all have to do a sunshine dance everynight to ensure they have good weather. I was meant to be with them and i am in my head . We had a ball last year- picnicing on Goodrington Sands, a walk on Dartmoor, Paignton Zoo,Steam train ride, Pub grub everynight and as for the sing- songs. One man heard us singing in the minibus in the carpark of Summerfield Supermarket , next to Paignton zoo , and then again at Buckfast Abbey-he asked us if we were proffessionals- Von Trapp family , eat your heart out!

Juju is over from France for her Dad, Jack,s 95th Birthday.Happy memories at their house on Nightingale Lane, Clapham ommon , on a Sunday mornings- loads of prelunch G&T,s and games of , shut the box-bliss.

For all you grammer police , the dam inverted comma key is missing and so i have to use comma.s !

Which Claire made a comment ?

Ooh nothing passes you Alison. the usual happened to me en route to grandma,s- I needed to visit ‘the Ladies’ and so i stopped off at the cafe at Roehampton Gate , Richmond Park , and had all 3 coffee, walnut cake and the usual . An added bonus was listening to Jonathan Ross whilst ogling at all the cyclists in lycra – I think I’ll wear mine next week so I can blend in . ( plus , don’t they wee in theirs and nobody knows ? ).

John and I have just returned from our first stint at Ealing Soup Kitchen . I was front of house ( like Anthea) and John was in the back ( like Grant ) – no sign of Jean Christophe Ramsay Lawson Oliver Slater.The only tip I got was for the 2.30 at Doncaster

a new mobility aid

I’ve bitten the bullet and just ordered Grandmama , a brand new super duper , red , 3 wheeled rotator , with a basket and an added tray and saddle bag . I can hear the woops of delight and quotes of ”about time / doesn’t she mean a rollator ? ”…and you’d be right , except Grandmama calls it a rotator and has been happy with the basket secured with 2 bits of twisted wire, round the wrong way , so the basket is at the back of the thing – nearest her , instead of at the front . So we all know whats going to happen when the new one arrives ….the words wrong/ stupid / oh s**t etc etc spring to mind.

When ‘The Chair” or ‘Broadways’ changed their name , I suggested ‘The Brigstock Manors’ . Don’t you think that would’ve looked good on the Glastonbury line-up ?

Had some fabulous coffee and walnut cake this morning ,all funds to CRY – Cardiac risk in the Young- another good charity that needs our support.

Where did the week go ?

Claire – well done you .

Jacob , this isn’t a continuity test . yes i did see Dom on monday ( when I went to buy your clothes ) ,from the top of the 65 bus.Today , when once again I found myself on the top of the 65 bus ( when I was returning your clothes ) I remembered my starspot on Monday . So you are right , I did whats known in the trade as a ‘literary combo’…..and i thiught you’d be more worried about Daisy !

On the game

Oh , I forgot to mention , Jacob and I disagreed with what was going on ,under the water, in the Tardis in ‘Tunnel 228 ‘ ( anyone else been yet ? ). He thought she was giving him the kiss of life – sweet .

Scarey news from 106 – Daisy went missing for 24hours and didnt come down for breakfast. She has returned , in a funny old mood . I think she’s in lurve.

Travelled into Richmond on the top of the 65 bus today – nearly gave myself a frontal lobotomy when it stopped suddenly.Well , guess who I spotted out of the top window , strolling along with a friend – Dominic Gray*. I would love to have spoken to him – he made us all laugh so much. he looked fab , tall and statuesque ” now I bet you’re wondering – where have I put it ” He was the queen of the double entendres.

I went to Richmond to take the few clothes I bought Jacob for his birthday, back . I should really have learnt a lesson and not to buy my kids clothes. The last thing i bought Rosie , was from a charity shop and for her 19th Birthday – a purple and black plastic mock-leather bomber jacket – cost at least £4. When she opened it she let out a huge PHAH, and said it was something a prostitute would wear – so if anyone wants it ……….

* Hands up who knows who Dominic Gray is

Jesmond , here I come.

Jacob and flo picked up an acrylic, signed, square ( he’s not happy with his collage , so is redoing it ) from William of ‘The mystery Jets ‘ last night. Lots more happened , and although he hasn’t ( yet ) asked me to step in for Laura Marlin, I’ll leave it for J&F to tell you the rest.

Then sadly at this very mo AF is alighting from the train at Newcastle , thats if he actually got on it – he was heading for victoria, until i told him it was Kings Cross , to get it. I expect by now he’s taken most of his warm clothes off ……and hit the club scene.

Thanks Georgie for the poem.

Tunnel 228

Jacob and i have just spent 70minutes wearing a face mask in the centre of london, and its nothing to do with swine flu . We weren’t even at a Michael jackson convention.Bet you can’t guess…..

We were this amazing exhibition/installation/ performance arty thing in the tunnels under Waterloo Station , and no there weren’t any funny mushrooms I had in my crepe for lunch. It’s called ‘Tunnel-228’ . Its really hard to explain , but its dark and musty and atmospheric with different installations and actors in ‘Black Panther’ masks in every cell/room/tunnel/staircase. We saw a man walking upside down on the ceiling , a woman emerging from a stagnant pool. a man on a giant treadmill, a couple making love underwater – thats the nearest to porn , and you had to view it through spyholes in a sort of tardis ( I bet you’re all rushing to get tickets now ). Do you remember the lifesize figures Jacob made , and Rosie got up with him at 5am , to set them up and take photos of them in that little tunnel in Kew ? well there are loads of those lifesize models aroun . except some are real and take you by surprise .The lighting and sounds were incredible. It was weird but fab. I love stuff like that.

help

Georgina, as a non facebook yet ardent blogger , I do not know the first line of Emily’s poem . Please could you let me know – I’m sure we read it that Wed ( The Apprentice ) night , you were round.

…is she any relation to David ?

Jacob Patrick

This time 21 years ago , I was sitting up in bed in Queen charlottes Hospital , gazing down at the most adorable little baby boy in the world. OK, he wasn’t quite so perfect , he was wearing his little ‘scratch mittens’ as he’d had a right old go at his face . It should have been my first clue as to how his hands always want to create something ‘different’.

John , Rosie , Florence and I love him so much.

Censored

Ok I’ll put you out of your misery, but i’ll have to be careful as there are people I work with and respect ( obviously not you 4 ) reading this literary masterpiece. It has been compared to the writings of Samuel Pepys and Anne Frank , and I wouldn’t be surprised if its included in the GCSE syllabus next year – and please , no reference to ‘ dumbing down’ .

So, lets just say the photos of men who had forgotton to put their clothes on , yet were not too cold and enjoying each others company . Now go and do somthing useful.

Yet more junk

A record …4 comments . Its good to know people read this drivel. Still waiting for a Brummie comment ( Georgina you don’t count , even though you are doing well picking up the accent ).

Our Copenhagen friends continue to soak up London , I did try to make them feel at home this morning by giving the Danish bacon and all the other bits in our traditional . low fat ( ? ) full English breakfast. After all their cultural adventures- nat History Museum /Covent Garden /N207 etc Flo and Jacob took them to their first car boot sale …in Battersea . They came back with 2 Labradors, a poodle and 3 Heinz 57. Joke , it was next to the dogs home. Our house is now a rich tapestry of hunting jackets, French , prints, bedspreads , books , LPs . shoes etc etc , I don’t know how we managed without them !

Not the ‘climbing in the chest freezer’ exhibition

Ooh no Claire, you are thinking of the exhibition ‘HOTEL’ Flo, Nat, Rosie and I went to see , just off Brick Lane.

This was a recent one ,in a fabulous gallery with huge 150cm sq photographs. The first room was portraits- we all chose our favourite , the second room was flies on excrement , we were about to chose , but Stu said she felt sick . Then we went upstairs…you’d have to ask , Stu , AF and Amy G. about these photos , I’m far too shy.

12ft away from Tom

Victoria and Corena crept in at 4am …it was like the good old days , except Rosie never crept , she would usually have forgotton her keys, try and phone Flo – realise she had lost her phone and then on occasions , use the step ladders to climb up to Flo’s room and tap on the window.They’d partied in Hoxton Square, hopefully avoiding that pornographic exhibition AF, Stu , Amy G and I stumbled across – we all needed a drink to get over the shock. Of course they have nothing like that in Copenhagen ( joke ) and it is my job to protect the moral welfare of my neice and her friend.

Two programmes were the hilight of my evening . John and I were watching ‘ Born to be different ‘ when we spotted our lovely neighbour, Emily , sporting a QPR shirt and doing her football training….why is it so exciting when you see someone you know on TV ? Then Tom Hanks on JR. The last time I went to see ‘Friday Night with JR’ recorded , Tom was the third guest , and he was fantastic. So I feel I sortof know him . Still not going to see ‘Angels and Demons ‘ though .

shaken not stirred

You’ll all be glad to know that Victoria and Corena arrived at Brigstock , safe and sound and the lift is mended and so Grandma is back in her room…although not yet in her denim (beach bum look ? ) gear. They feasted on a lovely lunch of mortadella, bread , salad , cream cheese and white wine .

Meanwhile , back at he ranch , The Prodigal Son arrived home , and so 6 of us sat round the table for dins and then…..Mojitos. Tom Cruise eat your heart out . …….

We’re lost

Lets hear it for Uncle Andrew , he’s 50 today 1 we have done what all close families do , sent him ….nothing, not even a Lorna card, I’m so so sorry , I promise you Andrew , the next time you come down to redecorate the rest of our house , a cool can of ‘Double Diamond ‘ – it works wonders ( anyone under the age of 30 , will think what the hell is she on about now ).

Yes , your detective work is paying off – I am NOT at Grandmama’s today . her lovely 3rd eldest Grandchild, Victoria, has gone to see her today , along with her friend , Corena. they should have a ball , Victoria does beauty, Corena does sign language ( Danish , but I’m sure there are some words the same – tuborg / schnapz/ havarti cheese etc.) and they have taken an M&S picnic lunch – pity its freezing. Plus they sewed the name tags in Grandmamas new trendy denim ensemble , we gave her for her 88th . How many of your Mums/Grandmas are sporting pale blue jeans and a Breton T Shirt? Ooh la la.

Thank God Sir Alan’s booted Philip off. i love the big guy that always has ‘quote of the week’. whats his name ?

Just been interupted by a phone call from Victoria – they’d got off at the wrong station – hope grandmamas not too hungry !

Film 09

Went to see a cutsey love story last night with a bit of football thrown in . I bet you’re all thinking ‘bend it like beckham ‘ came out ages ago , and yes you are right , in fact , us 5 Dwyers took Grandma to see it , the night before we went to Walberswick. So she could walk and see then – so probs 6years ago ?? No it was ‘dammed united ‘ sitting in my Barry Norman /Jonathan Ross chair ( in my dreams ) , I give it 5 out of ten….so in other words don’t waste your time . It didn’t help the lady behind Nat and Flo kept clicking her fingers / knees / pelvis ….and no it wasn’t Sarah.

Breast stroke

Went for a swim *** to try and get my energy levels up ….I have never had much time for people who say they are tired .I think it goes back to the days when Jane had the ILS ( independent living scheme )…..and the volunteers used to moan about their weariness.**

Sadly now I’ve joined their club , weary , moany , but sadder than hopefully they will ever be in their lives.

** NOT all of them , some were FANTASTIC

*** so if you hear the Blue Whale has been spotted in Ealing , please put the papers straight

Jordan’s hubby

Georgie you should have been a detective , it was our own well known Peter Andre ( isnt he still running the London Marathon ? ) lookie likey- Chazza ”I’ll sell any old tat at a car boot sale” Day.

??

Adam, I think I deceived everyone .I omly had my chaffeurs hat on that day – but you must have missed Flo. And Georgie , I’ll keep you guessing to who the 5th amigo was but I’ll give you a clue – he’s got very tanned legs ??

All for one……..

Well, we managed to leap out of bed at 4.30and the 5 amigos ( can’t say Musketeers anymore , otherwise some anal blog groupy will pull me up on my incorrect GCSE English Lit. ) We drove to Chiswick and squidged up in the stationary chevvy for a good couple of hours , and apart from a couple of eggynuffnuffs ( we all know every family has an affectionate name for bottom burps ), and a severe dip in our blood sugar levels , we all had quite a wheeze….then the queue began to move. There were thousands of cars there , lots of punters , but sadly no Izzy ( still on rugby tour ? ). Fifi is still counting the money , so i’ll let you know if I can retire.

Then I shot down to help out with the St Paul’s SEN group – it was fab , and I remembered how much I love squidging my hands in cornflour and smearing it round the room. Of course we shouldn’t waste food , so I’ll be making a nice cheese sauce with it later.

Then we shot over to Grandmama’s, 88 TODAY. she looked lovely in a turquoise ensemble. We had all the favourites , tempura , asparagus, roast beef , prosecco…and then there was the main course.

I’m pooped now.

3.5.21./a date to remember

A few liitle thoughts before I go and point my toes. I need my beauty sleep as I am getting up at 4.30am, and no , I haven’t got the time of the Ricky Hatton ( didn’t he sing ”she bangs ” ? ) fight wrong BUT I am taking the 3 Musketeers off to set up shop at The Chiswick Car boot Sale – so all you locals , get your butts down there and buy all our old tat.

Adam , I found out who the puncuation policeperson was and she lied , she was born well before 1962 and is partial to a bit of jogging …and rum…and egg and chips.

Jacob , sod the art degree , hire Heroaki, and set up a similar restaurant to that one in West London.

and its countdown to Grandma’s 88th Birthday . I did get an irate phone call from her today demanding to know where I was as I was meant to be there and taking her out for a meal. I pointed out , her Birthday is actually tomorrow, the 3rd May and I was let off the hook !

Night night and for those of you who have paid £15 to watch Ricky , I hope he wins and he ends with ”livin la vida loca”.

Mary and Duncan

How exciting , I have an mystery cyber stalker born after 1962 – reveal yourself ( not literally , this isn’t ‘off your facebook’ ). I reckon its AF.

Dined with ‘The Dorset Rescue Team ‘ last night . We had deilicious ‘Jamie’s fish pie ‘. We had that on Millenium eve, just before we lit the first firework, 2 yards away from 135’s conservatory ( it did say to light this bomb at least 50yds from the house )- don’t they realise people in West Ealing , don’t have gardens that big. It was such a wonderful , happy night- I would do ANYTHING to have Jane and Rosie back with us.

Michael told his ‘ Miss Jean Brodie ‘ joke . It has to be the best joke in the world closly followed by the chance meeting in the ‘Tower of London’ one . But , they are all in the telling.

Grammer or grammar

Read that back , just to clarify ….we DON’T have a shelf in our bathroom. Some people are getting very picky about my punctuation , and I notice its all those born before 1962 !

eggs and hats

I feel a bit guilty , haven’t checked to see if the lift is working Grandma might still be scowling at the Groundfloor residents . She wasn’t best pleased before we went out as Luigi ( the hairdresser ) had borrowed her wheelchair ( without asking ) to wheel Margorie downstairs , to have her hair cut. So it was a mad panic to find the dam chair , clean it , tell Luigi off ( who is an absolute saint except for his kleptomania ) and get to see Mr Quershi by 12.30 . Don’t worry I’d phoned Pam at pop-in to say we’d be late as last orders are at 1pm.

Bought a super duper new electric toothbrush , got it home only to find it doesn’t go on the wall. So unless you have a bathroom with a shelf ( like us ) , you’re stuffed – back to Boots today .

I think Jacob needs to enlighten us with his egg wielding restaurant story – sounds much more interesting than my drivel .

Schindlers Lifts

Who needs Michellin starred poncey restaurants when you’ve got Norbury Pop-In. Where else can you get fish in parsley sauce, peas and mash ( Grandma’s choice ) , sausage, grilled toms, peas and chips. ..plus 2 slices of homemade carrot cake for £1.90 ? All homecooked , , waited on and with the best company in S. London – average age 81. Sadly 2 of my favourites weren’t in – Flora , who has a collection of over 800 teddy bears and her buddy , Joy – who certainly doesn’t live up to her name ! Only one gentleman was in , Norman, he had the pick of all the lovely ladies – shame he didn’t choose Grandma – still theres always next time !

Then disaster struck , we got back to Brigstock and the lift had broken . Someone suggested we try and walk Grandma up the stairs to her room- obvious they hadnt worked there long . Once I’d pointed out we didnt have Geoff Capes or that odd strong man that pulled a truck with his ear as seen on ‘ Britains not got talent ‘, it was decided Grandma would have to have her cappacino in the downstairs lounge. Then Grandma and I went hysterical when we remembered Jane getting stuck in the lift at No 53…..

A lovely guest

Adam , of course you shouldnt have cleared up ( Florence should have ! ) . It was lovely to have you here. ALL Rosie’s friends are very welcome . xxx

very welcome guests

Woke up this morning , the lights were still on downstairs , there was empty cheese , and choc wrappers, apple cores ( Rosie would have polished those off ) and ….shock horror empty bottles of vino and baileys – now who do you think had been round …..?

The Young Prince

In response to Izzy ( I forgive her being 4 days behind – she’s been on rugby tour ), yes , of course we had cake . Mand had the gluten free chocolatey thing and she surprised me with the lemon drizzle – all very good , and in such beautiful surroundings . How come if I put a few rusty old chairs and a couple of chipped pots of herbs in my garden , it resembles something out of Steptoes yard ?

Just returned from ‘The Child Bereavement Charity ‘ session in West Wycombe. I thought I noticed something different in the lounge area this time – a big framed photo of Prince William. He has just become patron of their charity . It is the first time he has spoken out about the death of his Mother…he is another sad person.

A song

John loved Bobby Dylan… he remembered the words and at times he got them in the right order ( John not Bob ) , plus all the wonderful hospitality at the intimate little O2. Bob ended on ‘Blowing in the Wind ‘ – one of Rosie’s favourite songs , and played on 6th Jan. It was heartbreaking for John , yet good he played it – i know as a family we have murdered it, while singing along to the best of Bob Dylan whist driving back from Spain.

Emma pulled out all the stops, treating me to lunch and the best seats in the house for ‘La Cage aux folles ‘ I was touched by a man in a thong ( no Bob Dylan hadnt gone to the wrong venue ) and was so close to Graham Norton , I could’ve plucked his nose hair ( in preparation for tonights awards ceremony ). I want you all to go and download the lyrics to the song ”the best of times is now ” and make them your mantra. I know Rosie lived by those words.

Enjoy the sunshine.

Apolojies

Just read Rosie’s quote back and realised i got it completely wrong – sorry.

Also, I forgot to mention AF – I guess he’s making a video / still asleep / planning another huge project / writing an essay ( the last ones a red herring ) .

I am what I am

We are ‘doing culture ‘ today. Flo is luvvied up with ATS doing drama . Remember Rosie’s part ”I know all there is to know in drama”.I think its on the video on this website ?

John is off to the O2 to see Bob Dylan, with his 3 amigos ( John’s not Bob’s ) and I’m off to see ‘La Cage aux Folles’ with my 1 amigo.

If you had a choice – what would you see ?

Fame

Who needs Hells kitchen , when you’ve got Nat & Georgie ( not to be confused with Gilbert and Georgie the famous artists – how Rosie loved their exhibition ) bringing round a curry – up to my usual ‘Vesta’ ** standard i hope .

Mixed with the stars , when I was treated to afternoon tea at The Petersham Nurseries. Well , we didnt exactly see any , but Mandy said she saw Helena Bonham Carter last time she was there , and I read it was Madonna’s fave place to have lunch. I felt people were staring at us , maybe they thought we were the 2 from ‘How clean is your House ? ‘. They obviously thought i was the one without the bun. !

**You will only get this reference if

a) you are over 49

b) you are a student who buys out of date food from a dodgy shop

negligence

I have a confession to make , I nearly killed Grandma today ….not deliberately I hasten to add……..

Well we went to a small retail park , just outsie Croydon, to buy her a new seamless, 100% cotton, ‘over the shoulder boulder holder’ ( I know- too much information ). Only to find M&S had closed down – so we couldnt even buy a sandwich. This made Grandma’s day as she had a Mac(crap)Donalds cheeseburger and chips , and a little kid happy as she gave him the crappymactoy which was in the (un)happy meal.

Anyway from there we trundled off to Sainsburys, I parked up , put LBC on at 87,000 decibels and left Grandma in the car to hear yet more discussion about the budget. When i returned , her passenger door was wide open and I thought she’d been kidnapped. Luckily that was not the case – she’d just nearly expired…I’d forgotton to leave a window open ….or the burger was dodgy

A walk

I hope you’ve all put your pants over your clothes , eaten your cereal and then got dressed again ? If you didnt watch ‘The Apprentice last night , you won’t have a clue as to what I’m talking about . I thought the best idea of a brand name for a breakfast cereal for kids was ‘cereal killer ‘ – where do they get them from ?

I know you are all pounding the streets of Ealing, but I was proud of myself yesterday – I WALKED 6 miles. Proud , as 4months & 1 week ago , I was blessed with boundless energy , needed little sleep and could walk double that distance with ease. Like Georgina, thinking of Rosie keeps me going , and sometimes just to liven things up a bit , I wave my arms around and lengthen my stide , just like she used to do . God, how I love her.

fame for an hour

I should set you homework more often , I loved the ones you chose . Offhand I think the other one I liked was called ‘Cigarette ‘ ?

We’ve had an anal ( not literally) ) evening ….Sarah, flo and I catalogued all our CDs alphabetically. All was going swimmingly until Sarah found a random pile that hadnt been catalogued – i knew i shouldnt have given her that second rum and coke !

Get clicking and put your name down to spend an hour , doing whatever you want , wearing as much or as little as you want, on the 4th plinth in Trafalgar Square. The computer chooses the names randomly. Just think if one of us got chosen , how Rosie would laugh.So the more of us that put our names down , the better chance we have ….

To apply

www.oneandother.co.uk Good luck

help

before I go up the wooden hill to bed , who left ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ ?

HH

We had a lovely gift today , the catalogue of The Howard Hodgkin exhibition , signed by the great man himself- thanks to Carole and the PM gallery.

Was at Heathrow , terminal 5 at 6am this morning ( we would have got there earlier but I shot past the turning – well it didnt say drop-off , just short stay parking – all very confusing ). Yes the Jmaster has jetted off to a sunnier climate , Newcastle…. I’m keeping Sonic warm for him and dragging in the straggling squares ( For the art project – i didnt mean his old-fashioned friends ).

John and I shot into Ikea later and saw an incident of ‘meatball rage’ – all very unpleasent. At least this time we didnt have a blazing row ,resulting with john storming off ( with the car keys ) and me having to get them to tannoy his name over the store , instructing him to meet me by the ballpool !

Now go and google Howard Hodgkin and tell me your favourite – mine is ‘For Jack’.

favourite colour

Walked through Osterley Park yesterday and saw the bluebells, how i love their colour . Rosie chose that colour for her room , it was beautiful even when she covered it with tickets, notes, vouchers and illicit photos….talking of which I was introduced to some more of that kinda stuff on ‘off your facebook’ last night . Yes Stu, Holly and Madeleine navigated me around a whole new world. It was amazing yet heartbreaking to see Rosie SO happy and laughing.The longing for her just gets worse.

Then today i heard my close friends are national ( well Dorset ) heroes . Bob and his posse stretchered off an injured walker off a mountain **. After being told to keep clear of the air ambulance.

And it was a weekend for Brothers , had coffee with John , Michael’s brother – up from Dorset ( no relation to the injured walker ) and Andrew , John’s ( not Michael’s brother- but Rosie’s dad ) came to stay. We all now have strong brummy accents , except me who is favouring the Dorset one.

**It wasn’t really a mountain , but makes for a better story.

JTR

I notice a common theme running through these bloggy things, no, not ‘ Come Dine With me’ – although that is a hi-light of my day , but …..Jack the Ripper. The 3 amigos went on a JTR walk through the East End last night. The guide reckons he was a butcher NOt an atist or a royal or a lumberjack ( I made that theory up )…so start googling and see what you come up with .

twice in a day

I’m so sad , I’ve answered my own question . The other contestants were Ben de Lisi , Mica Paris ( I think she won ) , and David Quantick.

Tonight is hard, Can’t settle to anything and keep looking at photos of my beautiful Rosie. Now I’m pretending she’s sitting on my lap while i write this drivel. God , how I wish …………….

star spot

I ventured out into the bright lights of the West End last night , to see a really camp funny musical ‘Jet, Set , Go’ at the tiny Jermyn Street Theatre ( so small it started out as the staff changing room for the restaurant next door ). Well, it was fab , all set around the antics of the cabin crew during a 36 hr round trip to NYC. At the end , I spotted in the audience ( of about 20 )….the comedienne, Helen Lederer. Well my blood pressure soared as the last thing i’d seen her on on TV was ‘ celeb come dine with me ‘ . seeing her meant i was one step closer to hearing Dave Lamb’s voice ! Of course i had to talk to her .I now have a new friend who hopefully will send me her cheesecake recipe. Does anyone remember that episode – who were the other celebs on with her ? All I can remember was her kitchen was a mess and her daughter had to come in , last minute, to help her out, oh and she lived in East Dulwich .

Geog question

Jacobs gone a long way for a kebab – Berlin, which after the quiz on sunday night, I’ve found out is the capital of Germany- i thought it was Bonne. We had to make do with entertaining ourselves with the Sun night omnibus edition of ‘come dine with me ‘ – who needs a shish or a Donner when you’ve got the dulcet tones of Dave Lamb, we love him !

Nichola’s Dad

Nichola , you really are avoiding writing your essay if you can comment on my B.E. ( bloggy entry ) from 23rd March. Please reveal yourself , are you Waitrose , Oaklands or Richmond Nichola ? But more important , who is your Dad ?

Tony

Sorry , I forgot to mention , Tony did high kicks , wore a boater and sat on my lap for one of his songs. Obviously now there will bw high demand for Tony , so book him quick for your 21st / 60th/ divorce settlement party.

Today was 16 weeks since we said goodbye to Rosie – we miss her more than any words can express. We marked it in true cheesy family style fashion , a picnic , a game of frisbee, a lovely walk ( or trudge as Rosie would have called it ), a game of rounders, left over scooby-snacks, a drinkie or 2 , supper and a quiz. All this ( not the last 3 ) in her woods , with some of her bestest friends. She was with us , in all of our hearts and souls. However much drivel I write, its because of my undying love for her and my desire to keep her in all of our minds.

Thornton Heaths got talent

All of you out there reading this drivel are thinking we’ve given up on our social life – nothing is the same without Rosie. Well you are right , except for this afternoon , Jacob , Flo and I hit The Brigstock Manor Easter party . We were the youngest there ( yes , even me ) and it had all the ingredients of a ‘proper ‘ party ….Easter bonnets, a buffet, liebfraumilch, a raffle ( we won a choc bunny and a set of glass sundae dishes – why anyone in a residential home would want to win those , is another question ) and best of all ENTERTAINMENT. Yes we were honoured to be entertained by ‘Tony Arnold’. All was going swimmingly, with us swaying ( too much liebfraumilch ? ) and singing along to ‘underneath the arches’ , ‘lambeth walk’ , etc when Tony , launched into ‘knees up mother Brown ‘ …..Grandmamas favourite. You can’t keep an old girl down…….

I know I keep repeating myself , but , Rosie would have loved it . xxx

An explosion

Did anyone listen to the radio 2 , Chris Evans show on Wed ? We did , and so took up his challenge of creating ‘The 5 minute choc mug cake ‘. Not cos it’s made by mugs ( except in our case ) but, in a mug. Our kitchen now looks like an extreme version of a dirty protest ( for all you bloggy readers under the age of 30 look it up under ‘Irish history’ ). Jacob , Flo and I all made one and John was made to taste test them . He didnt know whose was whose – otherwise i would have won ! Well….Flo won with her secret added ingredients of , Belgium choc and coffee, I came 2nd with my mashed banana ( always thinking of my 5 aday ! ) and Jacobs was truly disgusting with added Baileys and cinnamon. He was looking for the Amaretto, until I pointed it out ,HE finnished it last Thursday .

Just borrowed the trusty blue bus and hit Wickes for some huge board . AF is at it again ( hope its better than his choc cake ).

Did kate deserve the ‘Big O ‘ ?

Just got in from seeing ‘The Reader’ . I loved it , but did a double take when the camera panned down on the blonde girl with the long hair and fringe ( like Rosie’s ) and she was wearing boots like Rosie’s. Now in my head I’m telling Rosie all about it .

Night night.

No Pimms

Grandmama, Jacob, Florence and I hit the cafe at Dulwich Picture gallery today ( yes , they let us back in ). Old Walter Sickhert is still showing , but Jacob and I had been arted up with Melinder Messenger and Harvey Wallbanger ( or 2 names similar to these ) , at the Hayward , yesterday. But after lunch we did venture into the gallery seeing a couple of Rembrants and Gainsboroughs, en route to the shop, of course.

The good news was the cafe had its new summer menu , the bad news there was NO Pimms. Grandma so wanted to toast Rosie as she loved it there and always had the Pimms – and ate all the olives.

We ate like kings – mezze, warm salads , chips , puds , vino , coffee etc. Grandmama announced it was her treat , an Easter gift ( sod the eggs ). The bill came , we all played ‘ the lets guess how much the bill is game’. Grandmama guessed £30. I bet she wished she’d bought us eggs !

Punctuation

The dropped apostrophe was deliberate, it’s called ‘creative keyboard writing’

P.s get a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who needs ‘glade’ ?

Just got in from my first meeting of ‘The Compassionate friends’ – heartbreaking…to bewelcomed by the sweetest aroma of male ‘ slammers ‘sweat. Yes Jacob and Tim were back from football . Tim’s team won so no prizes as to who won’t be the first one picked next Monday.

Added to that sweet smell , was the sound or wretching as the 3 amigo’s ( F,F & N ) played the how much popcorn you can get in your mouth and the make a potion of interesting food stuffs ( as in Letitia Cropley in The Vicar of Dibley ) and feed it to the other peron . i think the salad cream , marmalade and cardoman did it for N.

It was never like this on Waltons Mountain

Are we going mad ?

John sat down at supper last night and said ”who said Hmmm…….LUIGI” ?

We were convinced he was really loosing his marbles , until i read my BC ( bloggy comments ) and realised Sarah B had set a quiz. Not saying it wasn’t up to my standard , but there was NO mention of a prize.

PS. Anyone know the answer ?

an old favourite

Wow , the squares that have come in look amazing – a couple ‘ll look better once we’ve wipied the Patatas Bravas off them , but i do feel the calamares gives a bit of added texture to a couple of collages. Rosie would be impressed.

We played an old favourite last night ( no , not Postmans knock- I was the only one that knew the rules , probably because I was the only one over 20 ) But ‘the name game ”…..Won’t boast about who won , but needless to say the best team did ( Nicky’ Bs team with the added value of age on her team ). that was a result as i didn’t know half the people on the cards – whats wrong with writing Winston Churchill / Tessa Sanderson etc etc. ?

Just bumped into some lovely colleagues and students from St. Ann’s – how I miss them ALL. Specsavers are also missing me working – haven’t been back in there for ages, to get my glasses repaired !

deju vu

AF and I were out with Grandmama today , it was nearly the same experience as last week when we mentioned ‘ a shiatsu massage ‘…..when will we learn ?

Must go and put my flamenco outfit on in preparation for our tapas evening , our team leaders are bringing back their squares. It must be nearly time for our guests to arrive as i can hear john playing with his castanettes.

??

I think we have an imposter , if Joel is who I think he is , I’m going to call myself Christie ( Brinkley not Moore ) .

Another winner

You don’t have to be called Sarah to enter my competitions ( but it helps ). I’ll dig that CD out from behind the microwave ) don’t ask ) and its wending its way to you as we type.

….you don’t have to called Adam or AF either, but again , it helps.

Too cryptic

I think I lost the plot yesterday . No Lorna, i didn’t mean ‘The Hell Fire Club’s caves’ are next door ….I meant John and i went to visit a charity next door to THCC in West Wickham Bucks. It was even too cryptic for me to understand.

We received a mystery visitor last night. He’s a mystery cos he pops in at least once a week , last night looking like a bronzed Adonis and bearing gifts – a bottle of the pinkest , strawberry infused cava , as recommended by Mavis on checkout ,in Sainsburies ( not to be recommended by jacob and Rach in Coldershaw road ) …..and he has NEVER read this blog.

So, this is a test for him and you . Who is he ? The prize this time is a scratched Billy Joel CD ( subtle clue in the prize )

As predicted

I was nearly right… We are now the proud owners of a camera tripod and some summer clothes – which will smell and look good after 3, 60degree washes with a bottle of super strength scented fabric conditioner ( not the tripod )

John and I ventured out to ‘The Hellfire Club’s caves ‘ today – well not exactly , but next door. It reminded me of when we went there with Rosie, Florence, Julia, Bella , Katie and Fiona and all the kids ran down the hill. Julia and I kept the bench warm and cracked open another flask. …Happy days .

eatin well

I’m with Adam on this one , except I’m suchy a techy ( as opposed to tetchy ) dinasaur , I don’t know how to do it .

John and I are dining out twice today and so Nigellas got a day off . AF and Florence have gone carbooting – probably come back with their whole summer wardrobe, a broken camera and some shoes that don’t fit – who needs primark ?

I’ll kill him

A male toad in the Dwyer household is impersonating me. No , i don’t mean john’s wearing my underwear ( again ). But someone , whose name begins with a J and ends in a B, has logged on as me . If he is capable of this, I had better check my amazon / threshers /internet dating accounts.

Whenever a crime is committed , they say its always someone in the family- they were right.

flos new nickname

FLOBSTER THERMALDRAWS

we have come to the conclusion that florence needs another nickname. This is it!

any guesses as to the reasoning behind this nickname?

Yours truly

Mother of the moo

Lunch

It’s Thursday , which means ‘the dynamic duo’ , Jacob and moi took Grandmama out to lunch. We returned to one of Rosie’s favourite haunts ( they do a great Pimms in the summer ), the cafe at Dulwich pictury Gallery- only to find they were queueing out the door ( never been known before ). We reckon its cos The Walter Sickert exhibition is on and all the people in S.E. london still believe he’s ‘Jack The Ripper’ and they were visiting a posh version of the london Dungeon. So….we hot footed it over to my teenage watering hole ‘ The Crown and Greyhound ‘ ( known affectionately to Sydenham high girls as ‘The Dog’ ) , made a huge kerfuff in finding a light , spacious , quiet spot to sit and ordered lunch . Grandmama had the risotto. All was going swimingly until she asked what was in it . Jacob told her Shitake Mushrooms , she didn’t hear , volume levels went up ….the rest is history.

Another winner

Sarah B wins ‘the bins ‘ for the first correct answer BINOCULARS.( I’m surprised that with Lorna’s opthalmic aids she can even see the page ).Before Sarah’s SAS flight lands in July , I’ll be hotfooting it to the £ shop.to buy her a pair – she’ll need them to see me cross the finishing post with Haile Selassie. Yes hopefully the Danish contingent of the Brown family will be represented in the BRITISH 10k.. So, once I’ve parted company with Haile ( he’ll be looking for his trainers ) I”ll be doing my Great Aunt duties and looking after Thor , Frigg , Gro and Kristian ( hes about 34 ) – in fact it would be more charitable of me to forget the 10K and devote more time to my family !

Abbreviations

Anyone else not know what i meant by Bins.

The first correct answer gets a pair ( clue ). Jacob is not allowed to enter as he did ask me, both electronically and verbally .

The Birds

John and I twitched today , but felt decidedly underdressed ( the opposite of being in Newcastle ). John didn’t have his long lens out and I’d left my bins at home. Yes we had a theraputic walk aound The Wetlands centre. I don’t think we spotted any rare breeds , but i did spot Fulham football Club – thus causing an arguement – John said the floodlights weren’t big enough to be FFC . Once we ‘d eaten our packed lunch ( times are hard and No we didnt throw our sausage rolls to the rare breeds ) , john shot back to the car to get out his latest edition of ‘ Birdspotters weekly’ otherwise known as ‘ The London A-Z .Only to find out we had spotted Fulham FC.

Rosie, Flo and i went to the wetlands years ago , i think we spotted 2 pigeons and a sparrow- who says we’re townies ??

CDWM

Its like come dine with me here , except i never cook any of the meals . Julia did a delicious fish pie on Wed and Sarah is surprising us tonight – . No doubt we’ll crack open a couple of bottles to celebrate richards 51 st ( Birthday , not come dine with me entry )

Did anyone watch it last week , i thought ben de Lisi’s was the best .

Today we picnic’d in Penn Woods- its beautiful . Our dear friends the Kylies ( no relation of the Minogues ) dedicated 10 trees to rosie. We have found the one we are going to call Rosie’s tree , it is in a grassy glen . So if anyone fancies dancing naked around it on summer soltice , let me know and I’ll bring my video camera ! Rosie would love it – but not these cheesy jokes !!

Spelling check

Sorry Adam, I meant Southend – my Essex quip had little impact with Southend being spelt rong ( an ironic spelling ).

Back to ‘Red Riding ‘…who was the murderer / who was the young guy who the priest groomed ( I missed episode 2 ) / why was there no ‘hood’ at the end of Red Riding ? – the wolf kept being mentioned , but I don’t recall any swans in the story.

Answers please

Plus, I watched it with subtitles , cos i couldn’t hear a dam word they said !

Help

Adam , the school is called Sothend Academy ( NOT to be confused with the one in Essex ) and it is in the Bungoma region of W. Kenya. How fantastic if you could visit there . Rosie’s project doesn’t start til Jan 2010 , as this is the beginning of their academic year.

If you need anymore info get in touch with us or ACE Africa.

Please can anyone explain the end of ‘Red Riding ‘ last night ?

A picnic

Grandmama and I picnic’d in the garden of Brigstock Manor today . Sounds grand eh – like grandma lives in a stately home – you couldn’t be more wrong ( think South london Social services………………! )

I left her in the capable hands of Judy ,who was just about to start a armchair keep fit class for the over 85’s. I have put my name down for next week as is seems I’m the only one not doing any training for the 1K – you might all think its 10K , but i know a shortcut !

All for one ……

and one for all !

Who needs Judy dench at The Domnar , when you’ve got ‘The 3 Musketeers ‘at Drayton Manor . It was brill , funnyand I could hear every word.

Break a leg tonight – NOT !

going south

I can safely say I was the most overdressed person ( ie – wearing a coat ) in Newcastle on Sat night . But , what a fabulous city , esp down by the Quayside – anyone seen the winking -eye bridge , it is beautiful.

We were nearly blown away by the wind , walking along South Shields beach. Saw 3 lighthouses and so felt it necessary to do my ‘Grace Darling ‘ impression . ( i guess now you will all Google Grace Darling – unless you paid full attention in your history lessons )

Going North

I’ve packed , just enough to get my bag in the overhead locker, but still managing to get in my thermal underwear , waterproofs, wellingtons , lurex boob tube ( you never know where we might end up on Sat night and I don’t want to look like a southern misfit with no style ), and copy of ‘ fog on the Tyne ‘. For anyone under the age of 45 , google it ,download it, and the load the tracks on your Ipod , and sing it very loud in a fake Geordie accent , guaranteed to get you a seat on the tube !

The forecast is heavy rain , but if I say we’re going to have a picnic on the beach in South Shields …………………………………………………………….

Celebrations

One year ago today , a miracle happened – Rosie passed her driving test ! Thank you Chris.

I think the best Rosie driving experience story belongs to Florence. Driving back , from Grandma’a along the A4 , Rosie missed the turning off for Ealing . She found herself in the fast lane , not knowing where they were going with the petrol warning light on . In her usual calm and thoughtful way , Rosie screamed at Florence to sort it out ! Flo phoned John who talked them through what to do . 2 hours later they got home, John was worried stiff _ once Rosie had scrabbled their money together , she had put £2 worth petrol in and then decided the need to celebrate and stopped for a McFlurry !

Happy days……………………xx

Still no reply from Izzy ??

No reply !

Sadly , Izzy hasn’t replied to my quiz question. I’ll keep you posted.

Jacob , Grandmama and I hit a new Italian restaurant in Crystal Palace yesterday lunchtime ( don’t think we’ll be welcome back ). All was going great guns with our huge £4.95 main courses – one benefit of this recession . And then we decided to plug Grandma into her discman , track 12 of ‘ bless the bride’. The whole restaurant was entertained by Grandma singing ‘This is our lovely day ‘ in the flattest , loudest voice ever . Jacob and I were hysterical .

We’re just waiting for that phonecall from Simon Cowell.

Thinking of Izzy S and Amy G. tonight- i’ll send a donation to your Pitcher ( not a spelling mistake ) fund tonight.

testin izzy P.

Sadly , Izzy has come clean on Rosie’s message board and asked the question about the egg. She is obviously not reading this magnum opus everyday . i will txt her later with a cryptic question ( eg how many babies do i have ) and let yo know if she knows the correct answer.

Unfortunately my bamboo pole wasnt long enough to reach Mike’s pond, so i’ll have to go round with a bucket.

Jacob and I are off to the depths of Thornton heath to take Grandmama out . I managed to get her ‘Bless the Bride’ on CD- i’ll leave the job of teaching her to use the CD walkman to Jacob ….anyone got one with big knobs ?

saving themselves

Sadly, Lorna , my frogs do NOT indulge – I have NO frogspawn. But , looking out of Flo’s window ,I can see Mike next-door has loads….so i’m just adding an extension to my fishing net – watch this space.

6 babies

Mas and Chas helped me clean out my little pond yesterday. I have 5 frogs and a fish . Sadly , they made me feel quite happy.

wow

Adam’s egg has tipped us over the £6,000 target for our art teacher . We will aim high and go for another £3,000 and make it happen for 3 years . Maybe , in the future some of us might make a trip out to kenya to meet the students and teacher and even spot a leopard . When Rosie went to East Africa, the leopard was elusive !

Ripped off

Adam – I got £2.07 for your egg. I told someone it was part of a self fertilisation kit.

The money will be donated to Rosie’s charity as soon as justgiving have done their maintenance work .

Night night x

The Sistine Chapel

The carboot sale was pants , but we managed to buy a staple-gun / a womans shirt – thinking it was a mans / some cooking scales / a lamp amd a picture – all for under £10 !

John, Andrew and Jacob have been painting the middle room – The Sistine Chapel has nothing on this.

Its squashed

But Adam , I’ve already stamped on it, crushed it and wrapped it .

Jacob, Flo and I are carbooting tomo , perhaps I could sell it off then ? All proceeds to Rosies charity – so link in to that page tomo to see how i got on .

Once again , hearty congratulations.

Tempura

The course was tricky – just going into the Tate Mod and thinking about the last time Rosie went there with Holly and they were hysterical wading through talculm powder in the dark . All you AF’s out there will know the name of the artist I am talking about . A creme egg to the first correct answer.

Back to the course – then we had to get into pairs , describe our journey , what we were thinking about and all that b******s, then pretend you were your partner and describe how you felt. Of course i asked my partner zillions of questions to avoid her asking any about me . So when we fed back , everyone knew Claire( who I‘d never met before ) ‘s life history and Claire struggled to find anything to say about me – except i’d sucked a mint on the Piccadilly Line. Then we had to go into the turbine hall and on a massive piece of paper ( AF would have approved ) get down on our knees , sketch our partner’s journey ( poor Claire ) and then video it . At this point Claire , who works in a really rough comp in Leytonstone , and I really did laugh . She said her students would’ve run off by now and sold the cameras and I said mine would have found it hard to lie on the floor , draw and hold a video camera – I don’t think our lecturer really knew his target ‘ client group ‘.

Today , Grandma , Jacob and I had Tempura veg ( all the Dwyers favourite ) . Sadly the decorative radish , cut in the shape of a flower was left – as Rosie was the only one who ate those.Then we had prawn Pad Thai. I thought of Nim.

A course

I am trolling up to The Tate Modern today as I’m on a course . Eleven weeks ago I would have loved talking to a load of moany teachers , but now I’m dreading it . But I have an escape plan – Lorna is up in london , she will txt me at lunchtime and if necc I ‘ll make my excuses – hope she brings her cake .

Jacob refuses my risotto

I went crazy and followed the recipe from Sainburies ‘ feed your family for under £5 range’ ( i think thy’re assuming you havent got more than 6 kids in your family ) and did the butternut squash risotto- well once Jacob picked out the butternut squash , red onion and complained about the stilton and lemon juice init – there was only the rice left .

Should have just made a rice pudding !

Looking forward to receiving Lornas cake ……………….

Big Bertha’s gone

We have been stripped of John’s big black X-Max ( thats a car for all you non Jeremy Clarkson thinkalikies out there ), so from now on we’ll be squeezing into our little Chevvy ( another car Not a girdle ).Can I persuade AF to create a risotto for dins ?

Anyone got a good recipe ? Lets see if i get more than 3 responses than for my quiz and 2 for my catfood. Sadly knowing people read this drivel does put a tiny smile on my face and help me – knowing that you are looking at Rosie’s website.

Good morning

We got through another Sunday , with the help from some very good friends.

The cuboard is bare ( well it was last time I could actually look in it – AF’s creations are everywhere ).Sainsburies beckons.

If anyone is passing Waitrose en route to 106 , Daisy needs some more tins of classic fishy cat food. Shes very picky ( and hungry ) and won’t touch anything else.

Apolojies

It was not Sarah Clarke who won , but Sarah Thomsen Brown – so a pickled herring open sanwich is making its way to you in Copenhagen as we speak. Congratulations !

We have been invited out to lunch today , which is good as the kitchen looks like a cross between a bad Wickes advert / Freddie Kruger’s Grand Designs /a Homebase sale – last day . AF is at it again.

A winner

Sarah won !!

But before John pops round with her prize ( pot noodles ?) .I’ll have to call an independent adjudicator cos ihave a feeling she txted Nat who asked Flo.I call that isider cheating.

It was ‘Art freak ‘

Lorna and Adam are valiant runneruppers and Georgina was disqualified for swearing

Cauliflowers

We loved Maggie – esp the cauliflowers -did you know they are becoming extinct , so we should all go out and buy them ( and then eat them ).

Upstairs from Maggie is this detailed , delicate , raunchy,porcelain , circular sculpture – i got told off for nearly touching it …God knows what have happened if Rosie was there ( dropped her phone in the middle of it ? ) – She would have loved our trip – that was her side of town.

Go to Hoxton Square and Maggie. Winson C is there too.

A failed attempt

Jacob was the only entry to my competition ( look in the comments box ).

Sadly he didn’t realise he is AF – a nickname coined for him by Rosie last year.

So my new comp. is what does AF stand for . The prize this time is a 3 course meal cooked by Johnnie Dwyer – masterchef runner up.

Margaret Thatcher

AF (ask Florence what that means ) are I going to pay a visit to Maggie in Hoxton Square.

A prize ( possibly Manpreets coconut ice ) to anyone who knows what I’m talking about .

Heathrow Airport

After going to the doctors ( don’t ask ) I am off to Heathrow airport , terminal 3 ( not terminal 5 where Rosie and I had a decadent breakfast in Gordon Ramseys before flying off to Glasgow to see Their school of Art – that is a whole day of stories – ask Holly and Stu ). No , I’m not flying off somewhere exotic , can’t really bear to be beyond the comfort zone off my settee / fridge /Rosie’s bedroom. The Danish relations are leaving – we will really miss them. Kristian , a carpenter ( not of the Karen and Richard variety ) has built us 2 sets of shelves, and says when he returns he will fix all of our dining room chairs – which at present are unsafe . So if you visit …beware or bring your woodglue !

Pancake Day

We have hit the £3,000 mark with Rosie’s charity – thank-you. We have now upped the figure to £6,000 and so we will pay for a teacher for 2 years. So keep on clicking / running / selling all your family heirlooms on ebay etc etc !

Thinking about Rosie extra extra today as she had a nasty accident about 7 yers ago on Shrove Tuesday – ALL my fault I hasten to add. We were in the kitchen and about to toss our pancakes. There was too much fat in Rosie’s pan and when she tossed her pancake the fat splashed all up her arm – she spent the whole night with her arm in a bucket of water . the district nurse had to re-dress Rosie’s arm fr 9days and it healed up completely – there was never a mark. She had lovely arms and hands.

Sarah , Kristian, Thor, Frigg and Gro are still here – they are lovely. they’ve gone to see Olamor today – Great grandmama in Danish ( with made up spelling ). Good luck !

Grandmama

10 of us sat down to roast beef yesterday. We pulled the crackers that we couldnt face at Christmas . Thor got a water pistol, Flo filled it for him , he shot at Jacob …..so you know how that panned out !

Sarah ( Rosie’s cousin ) , Kristian, Thor , Frig and Gro have gone up to The Nat History Museum ,today. Ifeel like an exhibit from there.

Happy half term

For those of you in education – happy half term.

For those of you in employment, have a lovely week, at least the roads are quieter !

For anyone thats interested – the 4 amigos ( might be 5 if Fifi answers her phone ) are going to Pizza Express in Marlow while John and Jacob go to Reigate in search of one of the men Rosie publicly kissed – Iggy Pop. You will find out why quite soon ( not why Rosie kissed him , but why J&J have gone to get him )

So if anyone has a pizza express voucher stuffed in their bag , please do let me know- not that I’m mean or anything !