Yesterday I was 56 . this isn’t a cue for you to shout happy birthday or anything like that ,it is just a statement .
Don’t get me wrong ,I am truly grateful for the cards and texts and gifts and flowers and food and drink and a fabulous trip to the Theatre Royal Stratford East ,to see a wonderful production of ‘Oh what a Lovely War’ and I am especially grateful for the kind ,caring and thoughtful words .But yesterday was one of the hardest birthdays and I know why .It is because this year the dates are on the same days of the week as they were in 2008 .it may sound stupid to you ,but it means so much to me . I can remember exactly what I did and who I did it with on my 50th six years ago. I also fear December the ninth and the twenty-first ,as they are on a Tuesday and a Sunday .This hasn’t just popped up ,it has been swirling around in my head for ages . Grief does funny things to your brain . You have to work harder , you have to move things around , you have to be kind and gentle to yourself …I could go on and on .I was shocked at one friend’s response when I told her about my anxieties , fears and sudden overwhelming feelings of deep deep sadness and she suggested I get a different therapist ,as this one is obviously not doing me any good .I realised then she hadn’t a clue as to what grief for your child felt like . It is not solvable ,there is no strategy, it does not go away .It is a bit organic- it changes all the time .
I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone