The time I really talk to Rosie is when I am in her bedroom .I start by apologising to her .Telling her I’m sorry I let her down – I should have protected her more , sorry that I can’t look at the photos and her writing on the walls, and sorry that I’m storing stuff in her room . Then while I potter , and between the tears ,I tell her what we are all doing .
That is what I have been doing this afternoon .I went up there to get my winter clothes out of her loft ( ie swap the M&S black short sleeved t shirts for the M&S black long sleeved t shirts – I like to dress anonymously, I’m not in mourning clothes ,I just prefer not be noticed – I even got married in black ). To get to the bag of M&SBLSTS I had to move all the artwork from ‘We Cluster and we Stick’. The pieces are beautiful .It is nearly three years since Rosie’s exhibition and I remember Christmas 2009 ,the four of us talking about taking all the existing pictures down ( Jacob ) in our house ,re-decorating ( John ) and then re-hanging all the new ones( all of us ) .But it hasn’t happened .Just too dam weary . It sounds pathetic ,and it probably is , but jobs like that overwhelm me – I want to run away and hide.
We had some lovely friends round for supper last night .Two had been to Rosie’s exhibition ,seen the huge collaborative pieces, read the beautiful words on the reverse and supported our charity .Two had not . The two big pieces were new to them .With them ,I started to read-but I couldn’t . I think back to three years ago and how we worked together to put that exhibition together .I couldn’t do it now , and people tell me I’ve ‘moved on ‘. Don’t be deceived.
My dear Rachel, I wish I was there to give you a hug and maybe take some of the darkness away.