When I write this I don’t want you to think I am feeling sorry for myself .Deep down I am happy and not stuck in a time-warp.Like everyone else the way I feel changes day by day and I loathe it when people tell me how I’m feeling or what I like /don’t like …they really don’t have a clue . Anyway…when I suddenly hear another bereaved parent talking , they often put into words how I feel ( but often can’t articulate cos it’s just too dam painful ),I know I am not mad or bad, but like them , have a deep down sadness ( which I realise sounds a contradiction, but is in fact an internal battle to no not let the sadness overpower the happiness ).
So last night I sat down to ‘One Born Every Minute ‘. Usually it’s a happy programme with screaming,pushing,men being shouted at for doing everything wrong , and two or three bouncing babies at the end . But not last night as sadly , baby Kaiden died .
At the end of the programme ,his father spoke
“you do feel a bit of a failure because you can’t do anything. You want to do so much ,but all you can do is hold him- which is the worst feeling ever- not knowing you can do anything for your son. He had his hand on my heart and that will stay with me forever.
He changed me . He taught me how to cope with difficult situations.He taught me to stand up for things and be strong. He made me the person I am today .I love him for that and I always will’.