looking up a bit

I’ve gone all clumsy.

Clumsy in my words, my speech , my actions , my head , so apologies if this is a bit jumpy , odd, grammatically incorrect etc .It is what it is .

Even the skin on my face has come out in sympathy with my heart – it is bleeding and raw .

Anyway …..

I was in two minds whether or not to go .

I’d booked, paid, chosen my 3 courses , googled the map and then…I just didn’t feel up to it .

But in the end, I gave myself a talking to , and on Thursday around 11am got in the car drove to a riverside pub in Sunbury .

I had a huge wobble ( as did the car ) when I drove past the ice-skating rink in the front of Hampton Court Palace as the memory of Rosie’s ( 12th or 13th ) birthday celebration that she had there ,rose up through my stomach , into my head and slapped me in the face , and nearly came out of my mouth over the dashboard . ( I still find it weird that trauma effects your whole body )

But then I met my Compassionate Friends in the pub and I was glad I went .

Seven years ago ,I knew none of these people and yet when I am with them I can talk about stuff I would never ever say to anyone else – and they get it

It was lovely . We really laughed ,really cried and really empathised .No stupid platitudes or comparisons or skirting round the subject .

For a time , I was sitting next to Hazel and told her that when Florence was in hospital ,a few weeks ago , every morning on the way to visit her I walked past Edgware Road Underground Station . Daily I would pop in and just look at the flowers and the plaque and speak to her daughter ,Laura . And this may sound very silly , but Laura gave me strength.

Then yesterday ,my friend,Jane, sent me the link to The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby’s, website and this is just a snippet of the article I read

”Justin Welby’s daughter Johanna was killed in car crash 30 years ago when she was less than a year old. He spoke at a carol service held by Child Bereavement UK on December 10, a charity which supports families coming to terms with a loss.

“We never ‘get over it’ –  that’s such an atrocious expression  – but we do begin to rebuild,” said Welby in the service held at HTB, the charismatic church in central London attended by the Welbys before he was ordained.

“If we’re wise, and if we have wise friends who love us… eventually we begin to look up a bit.”